septembers.

changed my blog song. i kind of think this is a sorta-like 'angry' song. anyway, i feel like it, so let's talk about all the Septembers in my life that i can remember.

2011.

first ever sleepover involving friends from sch, breathing difficulties with the then boyfriend, all-out bonding with the classmates.

2010.

still the very happy person i was. loved everyone in the clique so much. had the douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag as my brother. found a new hobby in walking. tried to tell The Boy my feelings for him on my 15th birthday. failed. miserably.

2009.

14th birthday with the then ultimate best friend. admitted crush on The Boy. wrote many songs about it but didnt say a word.

AH, GODDAMMIT, YOU SEE. everything involves the douchebag. dammit. this sucks. life sucks indeed. sadness won't dissolve. eyes won't dry out of tears. brain won't forget. memories won't erase. ghosts won't go away. The Boy doesn't die.

had a sudden flashback earlier. i saw, in my head, 'Irfan noorhalim, the D-cube and i standing in this little circle, and 'Irfan was screaming, "i'm so ashamed to be your twin brother!"

it was a flashback. maybe it was a dream, i dont know. just a sudden recollection, but i have no idea where it had originally came from.

a book! about The Boy. so the world can know my story without knowing my name.

ah, dammit. i think i shall change my blog song each day, depending on my mood.

i think i am going to sleep now. eyelids are heavy, but only God knows if i end up staying up wide awake til 1 am despite literally going to bed 3 hours before. so damn unpredictable.

anyway, about the september in 2010 thing. yeah, i had tried telling him i like him. we were lying down at the top of 500A as always, on the 20th, one day after my birthday.

when he had to go, i had decided to stay, so we parted ways after giving one last hug. when he was gone, i looked at my phone. had one of the notes on my main screen, saying: "i shall tell him on my 15th birthday."

at that moment, i suddenly had had all the courage in the world.

i looked down, and there he was, going down the carpark stairs. i had called out to him, i had called out his name. unfortunately he had his headphones on, and for all i remember he had been blasting his metal the whole time.

yeah. unfortunately. for me.

imagine how things would have turned out instead, if i had told him then.

until now, i really regret having not ran down after him that day. one of my biggest mistakes in life.

i just received a letter from the NLB, and guess what? i have got fines for overdue books. which shocked me, since i'd always returned my books way on time.

all this while i had been denied the borrowing of one more book which i'm actually supposed to be allowed, and now i know why. but the thing that frustrates me right now is, the book which had caused me all this problems with the library is the book that asleah had borrowed under my name some eons ago.

i'm damn frustrated right now, pissed even. had reminded her so many times, and on the due day itself she told me she had returned it already. and yesterday, i asked her again, she said yeah she returned. so why the hell is the book in the list of overdue items under my name?

okay yeah i'm damn pissed now. better go pay the fines soon so i can borrow more books.

i had told you guys that i was going to sleep, 20 minutes ago.