Lukewarm milk tea

There was an announcement as I was walking through the engineering blocks of my school: the results for our final exams were to be released in 3 days.

I stopped in my tracks like everyone else did, to listen, and while they continued to walk after the announcement was over, I stayed in my place. To pray. I placed my hands together and prayed for the results of the exams I didn't put my everything into.

Afterwards, I went searching for milk tea. The ones at the sandwich shop and Co-op weren't cold and somehow I was just insanely desperate for an iced cold drink. My throat was parched and lukewarm wasn't gonna do it.

There was a Cheers between the poolside canteen and the pool, and no, they weren't cold there either. I just took one anyway, left the shop and walked around it, where there was this narrow pathway surrounded by tall walls.

My view changed from first to third person. I was looking at my own face, drinking my lukewarm drink, even though I could still feel the liquid going down my throat. It was starting to feel like fire, and I watched my own face, noting my facial expressions.

My face started to distort, going to and fro a horrible crying face and my normal face, within milliseconds of each other, like a glitch. It went on and on, and I vaguely heard a baby crying in the background.

Slowly the view panned out to show me on a screen, with freaking Pewdiepie at his little window in the corner. Another window appeared beside my face, right where my throat is, showing a long bone of some sort. It broke into vertical half, forming jagged edges that rubbed against each other.

Apparently Pewdiepie was controlling the movement of the bone in my throat. I'm not sure what it's called, the gullet?, if that's even a bone? [the trachea, just checked Google.] He was yelling in amusement like he always did, that mock evil tone whenever he tortures a character.

Well he was torturing me. I was staring at my own face, but I continued to feel the pain that this seemingly virtual character was going through. My faces kept changing, and it reminded me of a demon possession. He wouldn't stop controlling the pieces of my trachea grinding against each other, sharp edges stabbing the inside of my throat.

I watched myself on screen clawing at my throat, gasping for air, slowly falling to my knees. I watched all that while feeling the movement on my own body, it's indescribable but I see it all in my head right now. I don't think anyone is getting my descriptions right now but it was terrifying... And yeah, Pewds just kept laughing.

Of course, I woke up taking in a deep breath of air myself, and saw that it was nearly 6. I couldn't sleep back after that, and I just stayed awake, waiting for the sun to come up.

Why I'm crying after watching The Giver

I once said that the first rule of life was to read the books before the movies. Huh. I broke that rule a few times over the past few years, with Catching Fire [didn't even watch the first movie before it] and If I Stay and City of Bones.

Despite that I think it's a good idea to watch films before reading the books, so that instead of hating the movie adaptation after you loved the book, you'll enjoy the movie on its own, and then love it even more when you read the book. Makes sense? My logic anyway, and I came to realise it's true.

So anyway I just finished watching The Giver, and yep I never read the book. Was supposed to, back in sec 2 for literature but I never did. No regrets, because I already think the film is great.

I've always believed dystopian societies are scary, a society where everything is in control. Hunger Games, the thought of children being thrown in an arena to kill one another. Divergent, where you are allowed to only be selfless, or honest, or intelligent, and never more than one.

And also The Program, where you are not allowed to even mourn the death of a friend, because they'll think you're depressed and suicidal and put you through this thing called the 'program' to avoid having you commit suicide. Quite an underrated dystopian book.

The idea of a world without feelings, or pop culture, art, music, a world where the animals you see now are considered mythical creatures. When Jonas first saw colour I was already crying a few tears, because I don't ever want to live somewhere without the blues of the sky or the greens of the trees, or even just the reds of apples.

All the time, I see people who have been hurt say they don't want to feel anymore, They don't want their emotions because they don't want to be hurt, but really... Seeing the actors faking their lack of emotion is enough to make me tear up, imagine being without the ability to love or to cry.

Imagine not knowing what a kiss is, never receiving or giving one. Imagine not being able to cry when you've lost a loved one. Honestly, to me, the ability to cry is a blessing. Sadness is a blessing, and if you can feel it, you're really lucky.

Imagine not knowing what books and music are, imagine a world where nobody dances. I think it's really sad and you can't deny it. A world where everybody is the same, dresses the same, obeys the same rules and have their entire lives laid out in front of them.

I love that in reality, people dress differently and are able to express themselves. And not just their clothing, but they're able to write, or make music, or create art as their way of expression. I love that not everyone is smart, not everyone knows what they want to do in their future.

Believe me when I say I am one who does not stand for perfection, heh. I cannot stand neatly arranged stuff, and I guess that applies to a perfect society too.

I love the differences in the world, I love the different seasons and climates every country has, and I love the existence of art and music and literature, and I love the animals roaming on this planet, from the largest of elephants to the most domestic of cats.

I love the different skin colours, religious beliefs and practices everyone has, I love how not everybody is the same level of intelligent and how everyone excels in different areas in school or talent. I love how people are different and do different things.

Yes I can imagine a world without all these. And that's what makes me appreciate all of it, even the pain and disorder and death that it brings. It makes me appreciate being where I am and who I am, here in a small country where tsunamis can't reach, as this girl who is invisible to everyone but who sees every inch of the world like it's her back garden.

Watching The Giver has made me love the world even more than I already do, made me appreciate being alive more than ever, and I wish everyone could see things the way I do, even though they never will.

Thinking ahead

Wow I haven't been blogging much. Wow I haven't been doing anything else other than staring at my school books and thinking about my studies.

I don't see a point in studying for my final exams, because I already sort of know my fate. I already know I am going to fail all of them, and definitely am gonna be dismissed while I'm at it.

I have no problems with that, though after 3 of my very good friends withdrew from school, I'd told myself I will keep going until I graduate in their honour. Seeing how I've been doing, that seems quite the joke now.

I studied like hell for my programming final exam though, but deep inside I knew the actual paper would be a million times harder. That's what this shit school does, make you do all these revision papers, make you confident you can do it when you're able to get your answers correct, and then make the exam paper worlds apart from all that practice.

I got so angry when I saw the paper, and though I did try my best, it was as good as giving up. And with my next final paper being Engineering Maths, I know I can't do it. (this part was written on Monday. It's Wednesday now and yep, I screwed up yesterday's paper, though I never left any blanks...)

You can't sugarcoat life for me, and the truth sucks but I have to deal with it. I can't keep telling myself or accepting other people's words of "You can do it lah, you won't be dismissed lah, just try" because only I know what I've done.

I have thoughts of taking private O's, to retake my Humanities and Maths and then try to get into another course that I'd do better in. I can't take all this calculations anymore. Throw me into a course with reports due every week or something, I don't care. I'd do it more willingly than face all these numbers!

I know what I'd do if I get dismissed again, but I'm not sure how to let my mom know. She doesn't seem to want to believe it'll ever happen, and I also can't stand to think of what my aunt and grandmother would say. I hate adults and their logic, they'll think I want to STOP studying if I say that I just want to CHANGE direction. Ugh the pressure.

Well I guess I'd just try. What else can I do? Sometimes I wish I could go back to Year 1 anytime I want just so I could do all the same shit again and again until I pass, and then go on to the next semester and do the same.

Then again, as much as I wish I could go back, I'd rather just speed up everything right now and just get it all over and done with, fast forward the school stuff and let time go back to normal when I'm 23 or something.

I sound stupid ridiculous but whatever, I'm done with engineering, I'm done with school. Definitely not done with life though, still very much in love with taking buses and riding MRTs and bathing in the sun and laughing and crying, you name it.

Oh and also, you shouldn't stereotype or whatever it's called... Just because I'm in poly doesn't mean I'm smart, and just because I'm in poly doesn't mean I'm doing really well in school, blah blah blah. Now I know how it feels like to be pressured, but for all the different ways than other students. I HATE IT.

Just because

Just because you're skinny doesn't mean you eat too little.
Just because you're fat doesn't mean you eat too much.

Just because you're tall doesn't mean you should be a model.
Just because you're short doesn't mean you can't do a lot of things.

Just because you're a girl doesn't mean you wear make-up.
Just because you're a boy doesn't mean you can't be heartbroken.

Just because you're in ITE doesn't mean you're stupid.
Just because you're in poly doesn't mean you're smart.

Just because you're the only daughter doesn't mean you have to do all the chores in the house.
Just because you're the only son doesn't mean you have to be toughest in the family.

Just because you don't believe in God doesn't mean you don't respect other people.
Just because you grew up in a religious household doesn't mean you won't make mistakes.

Just because you're quiet doesn't mean you're sad.
Just because you're laughing at everything doesn't mean there's nothing bothering you.

____

I just made this video, because I've always thought this song was worth sharing, from the very first time I heard it about 5 years ago.

If you listen to its lyrics you'll deduct that it's all about sharing your stories. About how you shouldn't hold it in because you know it'll kill you. Just let it out if you feel something, be it happy or sad.

I used footage of things from my room, because your bedroom is where you usually keep your feelings in. It's where you have the most thoughts and tears, where the punching and cutting happen. Where all your stories are contained, really.

And also, to emphasise my point, there's a story behind every object in my room, and there are meanings as to why I placed a certain shot to a certain lyric line ^_^