Death by roots

A boy and a girl. About my age. Each on either side of me, frowns on their faces and arms wrapped around themselves.

The country was in ruins. The world as we knew it, gone. People couldn't be trusted. I'm not sure they were even people anymore; everyone was empty, vacant, haunted by something that couldn't be exorcised.

The ghosts came after us as much as the 'people' did. We were running every minute, trying our damndest to escape the monstrosities all around us.

We ran and we ran, but we couldn't escape.

I was holding her hand, running as fast as we could, when a voice above us hollered; "You can't get too far away from each other, or the one left behind gets turned to dust!"

We looked back to see our other companion fade to dust as promised; his clothes fell to the ground, and as we looked back in horror, a tree grew in his place. Roots crawled all around, branches and twigs grabbed at his clothes and kept them bound to the stone where he fell.

____

We were being taught how to bury the dead. A man stood in front of us, filling in a hole with dirt, telling us to be careful with our movements. 

He came over to me and with a piercing glare, asked if I had someone I needed to bury. I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about, but he didn't keep his eyes off me. 

I went over to one of the tombstones in the cemetery we were at, looked at the poem written on it. The man came over again, said; "You have to bury him despite his state as dust, because his roots need to grow underneath where they belong."

He stabbed the point of his sword onto a metal that lies on top of the grave; a piece of metal that beeped red as soon as he did that. A bomb that was going off, threatening to blow the bodies beneath the soil to bits; and me too, if I stayed.

____

I hadn't had time to run. 

I was flying once again, only in a broken state. My neck was still twisted, my legs were still broken. My hair still flowed gently with the breeze.

No sound could be heard except the whispering of the wind in my ears. Maybe I'd gone deaf from the explosion at the graveyard. 

One thing's for sure, I was at peace as the wind carried me. I didn't trust that it'd bring me somewhere safe but I savoured the moment of being in its arms. 

A tree had grown to the height where the wind took me. It would have been beautiful if it wasn't for its fast growing rate; it was shooting into the sky faster than a bullet. Faster than me.

Among the evergrowing bark of the tree, I caught a glimpse of a face inside it. A torso lied in the middle of it, branches growing where its limbs would have been, where its head would have been. 

A voice said to me, like a narrator from a movie or a book: "And finally, she managed to catch the most beautiful sight in all of history; her soulmate growing in his element, becoming one with the trees and keeping in touch with his roots."

I realised that if we died intertwined with our Types, an explosion would be one way. I just had to wait for the fire to take me from the inside like how the trees had done with my soulmate; wait for the flame to eat me, lick my entirety and continue burning from my charred skin. 

____

I woke up with a fever. 

These 3 dreams convinced me that my soulmate is Grass-Type or dead or both. 

Been a while since I updated about my dreams. I wish I could understand them better instead of declaring war back on them. 

Dropped

Raising my arms and letting my feet go light;
Closing my eyes shut despite my fear of the night.
Having faith in the breeze running through my hair;
Allowing it to lift me and take me anywhere.

Hanging in the eagle's arms, hands around its neck;
Not an inch afraid, believing it's got my back.
Hair over its shoulders as I'm brought across the skyline;
The pair of wings on its back is as good as mine.

Taking me away to places new and old;
Faith to protect me from the fall or cold.
Caught up in the euphoria and in your laughter;
Forgetting the possibility of what would come after.

The wind turns into ice sliding down my spine;
Shards of cruelty stabbing into the heart that's mine.
The arms around me quickly releasing their hold;
I didn't know the flames of Hell could be so cold.

Broken legs and a twisted neck as I hit the ground;
Continuously admiring you in flight, withholding all sound.
Puddle of blood the only reminder I was once alive;
A raging fire, once in control over this knife.
Watching your wings being your strength to be gone;
Your happiness and freedom being the last I set eyes on.

____

I believed in the wind.
I was scared it'd let me go again like it did, but I dismissed the thought.
I wanted to believe in it more than fear it.

I was brave enough to let it take me, yet I'm too weak to handle being dropped.
I'm that stupid.

But it's okay. As long as the little birdie goes on being free, letting its wings take it wherever it wants.
Seeing a bird fly free is always a beautiful sight, and same goes for you.
Letting you go for the third time.

I thought you'd stay this time.
I finally realised I needed you like how a fire needs the wind to keep it under control.
But.
A fire can't embrace a bird.
And I'd want you to fly free and choose who to love instead of having your wings charred by my flames.

It's really okay.

The world through my eyes

I wonder how life was like before life.

How I was formed in my mother. How tiny I was. How fragile I was; how my parents took special care of me before I was born, how my big brother might have loved me before he even saw me.

I wonder how my family was like, while I was forming inside of her. How my grandmother and father and big brother might have put their ears to her stomach, trying to listen to my voice. Have they ever promised themselves to continue listening to me, even after I was born?

What was it like to learn how to walk? How to talk? My whole life I was on my feet, I've forgotten how it must have been like to struggle on limbs of my own. How it must have been like to use my vocal chords for the first time.

Everything I did back then must have cost a lot of pain. Whatever I was doing or feeling for the first time; it must have been unusual to a fragile being like I was. Maybe that's why I kept crying.

How did my mother ever teach me the things I know today? What was it like to have no idea what a colour is? Who taught me that the sky would always be blue?

It's strange to imagine life in a different way. To imagine myself not knowing the things I know now; not doing the things I do now; not loving the things I love now.

Bliss without pain is a book without stories; a world where you don't cry or feel hurt sounds appealing, but can you imagine not knowing what pain is?

Maybe nobody taught me anything that I know now. Maybe all they did was show me the world, and from there I took my own steps. From there, I took liking in my own favourite things and decided what was beautiful and what was not.

Imagine a place where people told you what to love.
Maybe you are living in there right now.

Maybe I am considered lucky to love things that others don't.
Because it's a reminder that I grew up seeing the world through my own eyes, and not through others'.

A person can truly be called an inspiration if she makes others want to see the world through her eyes.
I want to be one, to make people want to imagine the world I see it. But I also want everyone to learn to see things their own way.

I wish I could be a warm flame to the people I love, and also a spreading wildfire to everyone else, to ignite the spark to discover things their own way.

A new beginning

No more drowning, but a spirit is still latched on my back. 

Petals still linger, but a new seed has been planted. 

No more gentle breeze. I am gone with the wind. 

I am high in the sky along with the eagle, arms wrapped around his neck as he brings me to places old and new. I've held onto this pair of wings before, yet it all seems like a new world. 

Half a year was enough to change someone. But right now, I am the only one who is changed. I wish I had brought him along during that period, but it was he who had left. Now, he is the one lingering behind.

I have to adapt to the change of having many people at once; when I was with him before, I didn't have friends of my own, and I didn't have my parents. Right now, just as I was adapting to having both of those, I have to live with him too. 

Don't get me wrong; I'm more than happy to have this wind in my hair again. It's just difficult to adjust to this lifestyle, of being wanted by many loved ones at the same time. 

I'm proud of myself for not being clingy anymore, for having friends of my own and not forcing you to meet me everyday, but I am sorry if I am negligent. 

I'm taking your hand and allowing you to bring me where you want to, but remember that you are not only bringing me, but my friends and parents too. 

I hope you can adjust to the changes I've made within myself the period you were gone. 

I didn't mean to change; if I'd known you wanted to come back, I would have stayed where I was. 

Now, you have catching up to do. And I'm sorry for that. 

I am willing to fly with your wind even though I'd drop dead to the floor if you decide to let go of me again.

I am willing to plant a new seed, right next to the flower where you used to live with.

I am brave enough to try again. 

I hope it goes well this time. I hope I do not burn you or tire you out, and just keep you warm instead. I'm a little scared, but I'd do anything to keep this fire burning. 

An old flame, a new beginning. 

Two valuable hearts

I was once again unexpectedly the right person. I was somebody's light at the end of the tunnel, the source of happiness without even knowing it.

Once again, it was all wrong, because there is already a girl whom he belongs to.
I am always coming at the wrong time. Or maybe it's just fate placing me where it wants so I can be swept by the wind no matter what.

Then it makes fate cruel. To let two people cross paths, lock eyes and fall in love, only to tear them apart, like tangent lines who meet once and then parted forever.

I did not want the block of Ice to catch a cold from the thoughts in his own head; melted him into water so he could be needed by everyone and flow anywhere he wants without difficulty. Had the potential to destroy me with one wave, but he didn't. Helped me realise that the ocean and its secrets are not so scary after all.

I did not realise the Ghost was watching over me the whole time. He stayed at the very spot he died, right next to the person who killed him, and silently protected me the whole time. I know how it must feel, to be ignored and seen through and gone unnoticed. Wanted to exorcise him from his haunting but did not expect his spirit to grow so attached to me.

I am sorry for breaking your hearts.
You have drowned me, you have haunted me, and now I am burning you but it still does not appease me.

I did not mean to make you fall for me.

I have chosen to go with the wind. What started as a breeze had turned itself into a tornado, sweeping me off my feet.
I admit, I like having the wind in my hair, but whenever the wind goes, it always leaves my hair in a tangled mess.
I admit, I am scared it will happen again.
But I am brave enough to try.

Again, I am sorry for melting the Ice and for taking away the Ghost from the place it has to be in. I know it is silly to cry in the place of the people I've hurt. To me, it's like how I imagine myself in the place of the characters in the books I read, and still end up getting emotional about their predicament, even though it is not my place.

The only difference now is that I am the cause of the pain these people are feeling. It hurts more to know I am the cause of heartbreak than to be heartbroken myself.

For tonight, let me mourn the pain of the Ice and the Ghost. I can't be so selfish as to be happy while they are shattered; for now, let me cry for them, feel the sadness they are trying hard not to show.

Your hearts are so precious and I am so sorry for breaking them; rest assured your feelings don't mean nothing, they're worth enough for me to mourn for. I will never forget both of you.

I will never forget Ghost, the few moments of intimacy between us, while it lasted.

Nine, a helix in the left ear and hair over his eyes; 
Neglected by whom he belongs to, a part of me dies. 
Face cupped in his hands, taking in all his scent;
For us to be together, to be it was never meant. 

They are

He is blades of Grass, swaying in the breeze. A single flower left in the field, continuing to stay in his place even when the others were getting picked by little girls passing by. 

He is a venus flytrap, embracing you for a moment, only to shut on you and devour you whole. 

He is Ice, with a cold heart that took a while to freeze. A longing to melt into Water, constantly going near the flame for warmth only to drown her. 

He is the ocean and its darkest secrets, pulling you down and robbing you of all your breath. 

He is the wind, Flying high in the clouds, not caring about anyone who tries to bring him down. He is free to be who he is, free from all anger and grudge and negativity. 

He comes and goes, sweeping you off your feet one minute and gone the next. 

He is a bottle of Poison, feeding her all his goodness as well as his chemicals. He kills her slowly and silently, feeds on her love and drains her of her strength. 

He doesn't realise he is soaking her wings with his Poison, and without those wings, he may as well be dead. 

She is a Fairy with fragile wings that took years to build. All she wants is to give him all her love, so willing to carry all his weight even when her wings weren't strong enough for the both of them. 

She doesn't realise she is drinking in all his goodness as well as his Poison. 

He is a Ghost, lingering around where he died, continuing to protect the people he loved. He is mistaken for an evil spirit, forced to be exorcised, when all he was is lonely. 

He doesn't realise he could just let the words go through him without hurting him. 

He is Rock-hard stubborn, never allowing anything to get into his head. He takes pride being who he is, unaware he is leaving bruises on the heads he's knocked. 

Returning to someone you left

You don't know how she was found, but she'd always been there.

You first met her in December of 2012, when she was drowning in her pain. She was always putting up a brave front, you couldn't see what was wrong.

She struggled whenever you tried to embrace her, even though all you wanted was to rid of the pain for her. She always ran whenever she heard you coming, afraid you'd pick her up, because she knew you'd leave like everyone else.

Eventually you got her familiarised with you; you started knowing what she liked to eat or do, how she felt without her saying anything. She stopped struggling whenever you kissed her on her head. She grew attached to you and could not go very long without you.

Everyday she waited for you to come home, wanting you to embrace her like you always did at the start. You loved her so, always feeling warm with her around. Sometimes she'd run around crazy, or hyper, destroying whatever came her way, until she'd collapse of lethargy. All she wanted was your attention, even if she couldn't show it properly.

You stayed by her side for a year, until that day in January when you decided to leave, to go back where you came from. To go back to the person you were before you met her, before you reached out to her, before you loved her.

Today, you continue missing her. You find yourself still thinking of her, missing her, six months after you abandoned her. A part of you regret the decision of going back to the life before her, and yet you know you need to have this new start.

You meet her again after half a year; there she is, as usual, waiting patiently for you to come home.

She stares at you in awe as you approach her, that longing in you to sweep her off her feet like you used to everyday. You embrace her, and she allows it, and she looks up at you with those hopeful eyes. She doesn't look one bit mad at you for abandoning her; she looks like all she cares about is the fact that she's right there in your arms.

You talk to her like you always did, and she listens like she always did. She watches you eat as you both sit underneath the little things she finds fascinating; occasionally smiling in a purr when you wrap an arm around her.

You stare at her while she laughs with her eyes, and you tell her how much you missed her. You stroke her fur and rub her belly, laughing at how she loves it and you tell her how she's always been the most beautiful cat you've ever met.

Anis, my babygirl from Paya Lebar; remembering how I first loved her when she was going through her operation in December 2012, how she'd come into my room whenever I came home, how I'd left her in January this year, two days after my break-up, going back to Pasir Ris and missing her every single day.

Even today I can't go back to her forever; Pasir Ris is my home too, and I can't be with her everyday. In a way, I've to let go of her. I hope she understands that I can't be hers alone; though, rest assured I may meet other cats out on the street but she will always be the one I love most.

-This post has a metaphor which only the wind might understand. Haha. 

My constant falling in love

One, an extra middle tooth with an arm bandaged;
I believed with my heart first love couldn't be damaged.
2010, 2011, awaiting by the door;
2012, unsaid words, changed reasons, poof no more.

Two, video cameras and loving classmates;
Trying to forget for each other's sakes.
But a girl he used to love, he wanted to kiss;
With a wave of his hand, I was dismissed.

Three, a different soul under a same face;
A constant presence during the difficult phase.
Lust mistaken for care and concern;
Not getting the loss back, lesson learnt.

Four, crooked teeth, lines above the smile;
Held hands and fought for love far longer than a while.
Convinced and believed, worked hard for forevermore;
Until the day "I just don't love you anymore."

Five, a ruler taller and a love for writing;
Fears and dreams over the phone at 3 in the morning.
A hand to hold whilst sober, I couldn't be his;
For there was a girl who long already is.

Six, who is passionate with his heart for flight;
Never letting priorities and dreams out of sight.
Always so grateful for his being awakened;
Always doing his best, for his days are numbered.

Seven, a single flower left in the field;
The longing to hide behind his innocence, use as a shield.
But a raging fire can't embrace such a fragile being;
Beautiful as his own, couldn't have a ruin clinging.

A second chance, Four times two makes Eight;
His love never forgotten, he thinks we're joined by fate.
Two steps into a new beginning, he decides he isn't ready;
I hide my upset, understand and accept whatever his need.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve;
Before others, love yourself.
Four, three, two, one;
After seven, I think I'm done.

Nineteen years and counting, fading is my limelight;
I should stop falling unless I know he's the right.
If unsure what you're drawing, first trace with a pencil;
So no ink and blood is wasted on the wrong people.

Pyrophilia

Disclaimer: the following blog post is full of metaphors. If you know who are the people I'm referring to as flowers etc, then maybe you can get a grasp of what I'm trying to say here. If not, then fine. Like I said, speaking in metaphors is a good way to make people stay away from me. 

I've realised how my existence has caused harm to many people's lives. If you remember how the introduction in Avatar: Legend of Aang goes; "Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked." 

I am that fire; and if I hadn't come into presence, peace would have been reserved. Meeting with me intertwined the lives of people who otherwise wouldn't have had anything to do with each other anymore.

If it weren't for me, the flower's roots would not have been threatened by the angry breeze. If it weren't for me, the wind would not have stirred a ripple in the pond. If it weren't for me, the water would not be overflowing with dried leaves. If it weren't for me, these lifeforms would have continued living in peace.

And if you look around, you'll realise that every one of these elements are constant. Trees, water, wind; they make up your everyday life. They're not a threat. Most of the time if you see a fire, it means there's danger. Even the sun, which presence is the most vibrant, is disliked by everyone because of its heat.

The heart of a fire is like the eye of the storm; a calm in the middle of the chaos, helplessly watching the destruction its arms are causing.

The fire has uprooted one of two flowers who were left on the field.
The fire has pulled out a few of the remaining flower's petals.
The fire has melted the ice that took years to freeze.

The fire has caused nothing but trouble within the lives of these 3. 

A raging fire needs to be destroyed. But a fire does not purposely burn down the forest when all it wants is to embrace a flower. 

A fire destroys everything in its path because it is too scared to open its eyes and see where it is going.
A fire is lonely because when it burns, people run.
A fire does not show its sadness because flames are meant to be blazing red and not blue.

Perhaps a beat of wings is what a flame needs. A beat of wings that would not completely destroy the fire like how water would, but one that would keep it under control, making sure it doesn't get too big.

A beat of wings that is not a whirlwind, but not a breeze either; just enough to help the fire cool down a little, to just exist as a warm flame.

That's what I need. I need the wind; a small gust of air that would blow at me and remind me to keep it down if I get too angry.

I have nothing in return for you other than to give you a purpose, which I hope you have been looking for; but I need you. I'm so tired. Please give me your strength.

Notions

Commend me for having the balls to write this. It would kill me to write this, yet it's a lot more painful to keep it inside. There was a feud over a blog post, and then there were raised voices over a few tweets. I don't know... I can't describe this feeling. It isn't loss, because I never had him to begin with.

The more books I read, the more I realise that big brothers betraying their little sisters are a common plot twist. I hate it. It reminds me of my own predicament. He was never even my friend, yet I feel so damn betrayed by the way he's treated me all these years.

I don't know when he changed, or why, but he's hated me all along, no matter what I do. Sure, I've been annoying as heck but I thought that's what siblings are made to be.

I tried to hate him. I guess the hatred was dripping all over the surface but it never really took my whole heart. I convinced myself I hated him with all my soul, and it was easy especially during the period when I was living in Paya Lebar.

It was only when I realised how much he hated my presence here at Pasir Ris did I want to try again. My main drive was my parents, but I also wanted to be the same person to both my brothers, not just a loving sister to my younger one and a hateful person to the other. And, well, I've always wondered what it was like if I was close with my elder brother. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he ever looks at me and questions what I like.

I kinda still genuinely hate him, but it's undeniable that I'm sad to see him going. I failed to bring him back. I don't know if he will ever know something simple about me like my favourite colour.

But it's okay because he's obviously happy. I've never seen him radiate with happiness like he seems to be these days, and I shouldn't care about how I'm not the source of it. I shouldn't care about how his happiness is pain to all of us, because it's his life. I should be glad he doesn't seem to have a care in the world.

Been listening to Notions / The Ready Set on repeat, because I can't help but be reminded of him and his girlfriend when I listen to it. How he loves her so, and how we can't do anything about it but bask in the shine of their togetherness.

Diary of the coldest heart

The few months with her have been the best for me.
Nothing lasts forever.
And so doesn't our complicated yet unique relationship.

I love everything about her. From her smile to the way she sleeps... Simply everything.

I love her hair. How it flows in the wind as if she's a female movie star or something. I love her lips. God, I feel as if I could kiss them 24/7 even if it meant my lips would be swollen and bleeding. I really don't care; I just want her lips on mine all the time.

I love the bracelets on her left hand. Full of memories and gratitude. It's nice to know I belong somewhere. I love the way she giggles; everytime she does, all my problems would go away just like that. I love her lame jokes because they make me forget everything.

If we'd known each other longer I would have fallen for her. Maybe I already did, but unfortunately it's too late.

I want to say I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've done to her. I won't be surprised if she doesn't text me anymore because I feel like I've been a burden to her. She says she appreciates it but I don't know if she meant it.

I've not been the best person to her but I'll always be there for her. That's all I can do.

Deep down I don't want her to go but I'm sure she has her reasons. I just hope she remembers to be happy. I love her.

____

I never thought I'd have power to break people's hearts; apparently I do. I'm well aware when I hurt someone even if I look like I don't care about their feelings.

Whenever I break someone's heart, I give up a part of mine as well, never to be gained back. I've symbolised a few people I've hurt through my piercings, even if they were the ones who left me, just to show that their feelings meant something to me.

And in the last week, I learnt that people who left are sometimes more affected by it than we are.

I have a lot more to say to this block of ice but I feel like there's no use because I can't get through his barrier anymore. He claims he loves the cold, so obviously he doesn't need my presence. Even if he wants warmth, I'm not his for him to rely on forever; I'm not the only flame in the world.

We can't click because he can't accept the truth, my honest opinion about his relationship with the outside world. He doesn't accept that there are people who think differently from him, and that's why he's better off alone, even if he hides the fact that he doesn't like the solitude.

Maybe he doesn't even need a flame. Maybe all he needs is another block of ice, one that's willing to stay cold with him forever. As much as I hate him, I'm not gonna remain cold just to pass on the negativity. I'd rather go away and give my warmth to someone else.

Over-excited post about yesterday

After we'd spent last June doing our 6th annual reunion, the girls and I met up again yesterday. The other 3 girls couldn't make it because of school, so it was just the 4 of us, and we only realised it was Reunion again when we met up xD

I met Shushan at Dover station, where her school is, and we took the train to Bedok; our initial meet-up was Changi City Point, which is at Expo, but we were still early so we took a walk around first.

So Bedok Mall is awesome *.* The first time I went there, most of the shops weren't open yet so I was still in for a surprise. We visited the 50-cent sushi shop, where every sushi was going for 50 cents and you just picked what you want. My mom always bought me those but I never saw the shop myself!

And... there was a store full of Pokemon plushies. A piece of heaven as I called it. Gosh, I would have bought them all if I could, especially all the Eeveelutions and the pillow that is Meowth's face! Of course, I only left with an Espeon plushie ^^

Once Siying and Sabrina were on their way, Shushan and I got on the train back to Tanah Merah and then on to Expo. I've always liked looking at the railway tracks surrounding Tanah Merah, Jurong East, and Ang Mo Kio. A fascination only I would understand.

So the 4 of us found a place at the food court in Changi City Point, and I had so much difficulty deciding what to eat. I wanted chicken chop but there weren't any so I got myself curry rice from the Japanese food stall :p

There was a Metro sale at Expo so we decided to just check it out for a while. Everyone was split up the moment we entered, just gallivanting around and looking at different shit xD We got together finally at the confectionery section.

Samples were everywhere and we were pretty much having a feast with all the free food! We were even given ice-cold jelly from the sample lady, and I ended up buying the lemon-flavoured one. Because jelly is good.

Although I tasted so many good stuff, I only bought that lemon jelly and some butterfly biscuits (my fave). We all shared our purchases, because most of them were "2 for $3", things like that.

We got out to see that it was 8.30 pm, when I'm pretty sure we entered around 6 or so. We were in there for two hours!!!

Still, we sat at Texas Chicken to lepak for a while, rest before our bus journey. On the way to the bus stop, we had a lot of stupid moments, talking shit and laughing our ass off haha. Then we took 12, all of us alighting at different bus stops; me right to the end.

So there we have it, how my day was yesterday! I believe it's been a while since I actually blogged about something simple like a day I had and enjoyed :3