initials of a past crush.

initials of a past crush. 

this was all the way back in early 2009. before i'd even met douchebag. in fact, my interaction with this RT dude had been what led to my meeting with him.

those were the days. but yes, all the memories are gone, along with the friendship and the innocence.

i was always getting disturbed by them 2/1 [2009] guys! the chinese guys especially. they made fun of my running, that i remember so very clearly.

and the name "emokia". gosh! i was so annoyed by that then. but i sorta miss it now. o well. like i said, the memories and friendship are all gone already.

anyway, i hadn't gone out today. though i should really make my way to the library because there's a book due. i got lazy. have got a new notebook as my diary btw!

gosh, i apologise if my post is kind of boring today. like i said, i was lazy today. i can't remember any of my dreams, too.

on school days, my remembering my dream hardly last til the end of morning assembly. if i dadadoo for even a second, all traces of it would be gone and sometimes it'd take a few days for it to come back if not hours.

over the hols though, each time i wake up and lie in bed, trying to remember, the first thing this voice in my head would ask me is this; "was he there?"

o well.

had drawn this last night, along with another memory of the boy, but i won't show that one to you guys.

the memory of 10th November, 2010. 

the back view because the original photo was already front view. i've no idea what made me want to draw this suddenly, when obviously no one would really appreciate it. well not that the boy would appreciate my drawings of him too of course.

want to hear something i'd heard once?

"be like water; able to go through hands, able to hold up a ship." [i kind of forgot the person who quoted this. started with a P, i think?]

don't you think that's beautiful?

damn i feel like some asam laksa flavoured maggi right now.

before i go, i'd like to share my current book. it's in american english but it's okay. and it'd had a pretty good start.

i'll share with ya more when i progress with reading the story.

and there's a song called Bad Apple too. hm.

no, not to my liking, but i'll share with you guys. the shadow art is amazing.there's another version with the colour and everything but yeah, that was horrible.

Suspension.

had this song stuck in my head the past few days. esp the "i hate you; go go away" part!

phew! guessed what!? i just survived one week in school. *takes a deep breath* although yeah, i hadn't been in the classroom most of the week due to class suspension. the last time i had been in my 5/1 was thursday morning before the 8 AM bell rang.

what are some of the funny stuff that happened, you ask? hmm. this is tough. i'd laughed a lot over many things during suspension and i was always excited to share with you guys. but as always, now that i'm here i can't remember most of them.

let's start with yesterday, since i'd alr blogged about wednesday.

so, yesterday. t'is what i remember; the broken chair bit. some sec 2 had fallen off his chair and its back legs had flown all the way to the whiteboard!

us who had been at suspension were all looking at the boy and the girl who went to our principal about the broken chair, craning our necks to see what was going on. i like how we all went into panic mode when she turned and looked at us.

ok, and then today. funnies and bizarros.

1. my left contact had dropped off cos i rubbed my eye too hard. on the bus! i looked so idiotic trying to put it back in.

2. principal had came over and told me to remove my extra earstud. i told her i couldn't, because i'd been trying to get it out for days already but it wouldn't budge. well it was the truth anw. and then she told me it's ok, she'll let it go this time. aww.

3. idk what exactly happened but this whole group of sec 3s were like gathered by the hod office and drew some stuff onto bryan kok (one of the suspended ppl)'s paper or smth. when he came back he repeatedly shouted, "who draw one? who draw one!?!?" he got so pissed! when he went again the whole group there started laughing and mimicking his "who draw one"; damn irritating! but funny, of course. i did laugh.

and many others la, actually! 'you had to be there'.

here are a few drawings that i'd done during suspension. yeeeaaa i did study too.

i like this one, it's adorable (; but there's still something flawed about it...(at a horror movie btw)

most of all, i slept.

was waiting for the bus when i heard the much missed "indahnya Al-Quran~" you're right! t'was farhan! along with faiz tarmizi!

the latter came and sat next to me and we talked a bit. he told me not to be crap because it is my Os this year aft all. grab the opportunity since you have it!

but well. what can i say? to be honest i don't really feel any pressure. ytd, mrs sherri had came to talk to me and when i told her just a few of my thoughts, she looked shocked and was like, "e'indah don't make me smack your head ah!"

that aside. had gone cycling with syazana last night. or more like she cycled since i was just standing on the back of the bike. t'was fun though! i couldn't stop laughing! and then i tried to cycle with her at the back; it proved a bad idea when i kept sidetracking into kerbs and vehicles.

well then, that'd be it. for now. will be back. heh.

"who draw one!?"

interaction with z fellow schmates.

o heidiho. i hadn't been updating as much now, haven't i? thank you for noticing my absence!

had gotten suspended from class today. believe it or not i only got pissed at the fact that the teacha had to come look for me when i was busy doing my critical writing.

suspension was fun though! the whole lot of us were there seated by the general office, and each time a teacher passes by we would be like, "cause we never go june structured and no mc, no letter. all of us!" it was so rehearsed!

a silverfish, was that it? well one had came over towards where i was sitting (we were all on the floor). it crawled to zahara 4/1 who was like next to me.

guess what she'd done; she used a ruler and just piak-ed the lil critter away. it was sent flying! i couldn't help it i practically LOL-ed. i had never thought of doing what she did with a ruler!

syaiful fahmy (i think that's how his name is spelt); he sat next to syazana who was next to me. and bloody hell! these two were a lethal combo man. i really couldn't stop laughing because of them!

we all laughed a lot together but i don't remember most of them. even if i did, it would still be those 'you had to be there' moments. the best was their reactions when i snapped my diary shut and all my library receipts were sent flying into their faces.

holy shit, that was bloody awesome! i couldn't help laughing.

and then we were all dismissed right after the ringing of the recess bell.

spent my last two periods in the canteen with Syazana, since they were free. we were laughing away when mrs sherri shouted across the canteen at us, "OY! buat kerja!"

i hopped onto the benches when i came back from the toilet and yelled into syazie's face a HEIDIHO! when she snapped at me "eeew you just spit on my face!"

ok so in the end we stayed in the canteen slacking til about 5? with fazerah occasionally popping by and talking about random stuffs.

got forced to pull back my fringe and smile. "smile". 

ladi dadi,i went to pierce my ear again after splitzing with syaz and faz.

 1. because i want to put 109 on my ear. 2. because the gun is cool!

i really appreciate the fact that the old man who does the piercing says, "very nice!" after he finishes shooting my ear.

maths tuition was funny today. i like the way mr chan was scolding us, telling us how we are so damn slacky compared to his other classes.

i think i kind of interacted with many people of my school today. for some reason, i feel somewhat proud of that. i smiled at someone from 4/1 when i saw her outside sch, i accepted candy from an express girl, i complimented a girl from 3/1, and the list goes on.

it may seem nothing much but having done those little gestures makes me so happy.

those who dare come near will be abducted!

okay, goodbye my dear Axes. i wanna draw some more stuff. i do have a reason for starting to draw again so suddenly, you know. *grins*

first day of the second semester of my fifth year in sec school.

the perks
1. had been walking around the general office area with mr syafie by the tower and a loose fringe dangling over my eyes; hadn't got caught.
2. not many people had talked to me today.  
3. bought a new notebook to add to my collection of them quote notebooks.
4. hadn't seen douchebaggots.

the urrghs
1. had slept in class more than half the day.
2. had been called out for skipping out on june structured with neither mc nor letter.
3. had been told by childhood friend to "fuck off" when brought her requested peach tea.
4. when not sleeping; kept looking out the window at direction of douchebaggot's house.
5. stomach gotten full of air; stomach couldn't stop churning.
6. school just sucks full time.
7. today's date has a significance to it. 
8. huh. hadn't seen douchebaggots.

do the math, and thus; my day was awful. goodbye.

p.s. have i told you i hate school? well i hate school. and its contents. i shall screw the building upside down on my birthday.

p.p.s you suck.

p.p.p.s i love you my Axes.

bye. byebyebyebyebye. yeah, bye. hohum. hohummmmmiiiee. hohum. goodbye. nah really, you suck. 

alas, how stupid of her!

God ain't gonna make the people whom you love love you back if you ain't gonna love the people who love you. 

a portal is in front of me now. it's been opened since i stepped into this weird place. it's always been open, even when i had power all along to close it. i chose not to close it, because i thought i'd come back and go through it again, to return where i came from.

this place where i had came from; it was where i had been before i met anyone of them. all i was, was a girl in secondary school, who dislikes studying like a regular 13-year-old student but still going on strong for the sake of her future.

the portal was opened when the little boy next door with the bandage made his appearance. this girl jumped in, and before she knew it, three years had been gone just like that. all had been stripped of her; happiness, innocence, her soul.

now she has the chance to jump back into this portal, to go back to normal.

but nope.

she chooses to remain in the world she had jumped in; she had chosen to continue searching for the boy who had came into the portal with her. she doesn't want to leave him behind. she wants to leave the strange place together with the one who had gone in with her.

alas, how stupid she was! this boy had already jumped back through the open portal a long, long time ago. he had his own power to open his own portal, to return to his former life, to before he had even met her. how stupid this girl is!

she doesn't know all that, of course. nobody is around to tell her. she believes with all her heart that the boy is still somewhere, lost in this strange dimension, and she's determined to find him. she firmly believes that he is waiting for her to save him.

how stupid of her...

my stomach churns and i exhale.

i look at the portal one last time, before turning my back against it.  i know it will take a long time to find it again, but...


but.

pretty please?

there he goes...... there he goes, away...~

my older brother Naqib has gone to zee wonderful Bali. along with my cammie, bloody hell! he had to ask for it last minute, so i hadn't had anything to take pictures with, apart from my phone.

this is zee viewing plaza. my favourite place after the library, carpark rooftops, and arms. *grins*

that aeroplane had been testing its wings and all that. 

here are some other pictures from the time spent at the viewing plaza. 

hohum.

have i told you that i bought a new notebook?! mom had a bill that said 10 Changi Dollars on it. used it to buy this f a t and beautiful notebook! gonna use that as my diary after the one after the one after my current one. (no, really)

had gone to Guilley after that to send my granny home, where i managed to take many shots of them kitties there! they seemed so obedient today, hadn't moved around as much. and to think i'd used merely my phone camera too!

this white kitty got upset because i wouldn't bring him out for a walk.

i couldn't stand it man, the three musketeers (Halia Tilda Tanda) were being irritating today! they would gather somewhere near me, staring at me, but when i get up and move towards them they'd all scatter in a sort of panic mode.

holy firetruck... it's the last day of the june holidays tomorrow. my holidays hadn't been the least bit enjoyable at all, so i really hope i could spend tomorrow in a way that's, uhm, far from wise.

 PLEEEEAAASE, o gosh...

pretty pretty please, with an axe to your throat?

solitude = sanity/insanity ?

solitude. happiness. put them together and you have a beautiful couple.

i mean, isn't it rare to have someone truly happy to be alone these days? sure, people are always saying how they'd like to be alone when they're upset, but it doesn't make them happy, doesn't it? they just want to be left on their own just so they could cry. right?

who would be truly happy being left in solitude these days? maybe for a while you'd think it's the best for you, but eventually you'd still seek interaction with other humans.

i hear that too much solitude can make one go insane, literally. solitude in terms of shutting one out from the rest of the world, and vice versa. it's like how one would go insane in a prison; a small, dark room.

perhaps it is the hallucinations that keep an insane person sane. imagining other humans in there with them keep their sanity under control when in fact they are already going mentally unstable. isn't that ironic?

maybe happiness is just a cover-up for the loneliness that's eating up your heart.

why the hell was i discussing that, you ask? *laughs*

then again being in a crowd could also prove fatal to your sanity, as evidenced by the way my head was throbbing when i was walking through the rivers of people at Ws earlier.

are some people afraid of crowds because they are afraid of the attention? are we paranoid that the whole world is watching us, mocking us silently?

or are we afraid that the crowds wouldn't notice a thing if we were to vanish on the spot? hmm. a million questions running through my head regarding the issue of solitude.

anyway, i had gone to the library, where i read my current book, which is this;

it's about the so-called "after-effects" of a party that had gotten out of hand. it's great thus far, drowned me real deeply. each time i guess who the rapist might be, i turn the page and there would be something that makes me doubt my guess. it's amazing!

well anyway, guess what? once this weekend is over, the new semester would be starting for us in secondary and primary schools. for once you don't feel so TGIF now, don't you?

feels strange to think of school, you know. right now the faces of some people from my school are flashing in my mind, and somehow, it feels strange. like, who on earth are those people? i mean, i know who they are but they seem like strangers. get it?

one thing for sure, though; i am definitely not looking forward to school. first thing that's gonna happen to me is i'd be called out in the morning for missing out on structured programme. wanna bet?

and i get the feeling that i won't be in the mood to clip up my fringe, so i'm probably gonna be called out for that too. *sigh* o well. oh, well, thou art so deep.

i'm living, but i am not alive.

the Morton's Fork.

it sucks to be waking up only to have the sun setting back down again. haven't been basking in the sun when it's at its highest for awhile now.

two things from my dream that stands out the most;

1. Asleah had came up to me and said, "join kita balik ah. semua orang nak kau datang balik sey."

2. i was with a boy, happily chatting with him til he suddenly changed to the douchebag. i repeated to myself, "no you're not him, you're not him," but he still didnt change back to whoever he originally had been.

a million meanings running through my head regarding these two segments, but... nah. won't be bogged down by those thoughts.

that aside i'd just gotten out of the showers and the sun is in my face. setting, but in my face. i don't have anything smart to say, well not yet anyway.

spent the wee hours of the morning texting Nicholas Jude, and he was really stumped by my latest act of utter stupidity. *sigh*

have you heard of the Morton's Fork? it's a pretty interesting thing, whereby its concept is just simply being in a situation with your only choices being equally suck-ish.

it's like being in a room, with only two doors. the one on the left leads you to flames that would hungrily devour you whole without a second thought, while the one on the right leads you to ice cold water that will just drown you if not freeze you to death.

it's like deciding between moving on or continuing to hold on. fall all the way down to the depths below the waterfall, or stay and continue holding on to that branch, til your arms feel like they're gonna fall off?

image courtesy of factfixx.com

i shall blog again later, hohum.*yawns* maybe i should just sleep the whole weekend away. renew some books that are due tomorrow, and then imma spend the next two days in the parallel world of 109.

maybe.

Angry

haven't we all been in this predicament?

heidiho mo Axis, miese bak. [109 language for hello my Axes, i am back. (spontaneous)] well anyway,  here are some pictures of the sky i took earlier.

i've not told you; i'd completed Annexed this afternoon. it made me cry, especially the part at the Death Camps. and hell yeah, i must admit to you, books set in the 1940's are really the best.

after renewing some books, i'd gone to the basketball court near my house just to tell me bro to call mom cos he hadn't been answering his calls. his friends looked scared when they saw me approaching.

know why i can't move on? because he saved my bloody life.

dude, why saved my life when you're gonna kill me again? it's happened so many times with you, you stupid douchebag. is it funny? is it a game that you enjoy? well you sure are good at this game. maybe because you're the only one who plays it.

i'm so pissed off right now! it's like it's like... it's like, bumping into some hooligans who were about to set fire to a kitty, and then you realise it was the kitty you abandoned some time ago because you couldnt take care of it or something, and so you bring home the kitty, love and care for it til it grows so attached and dependent on you and so one day when you decide to run away for some reason you set fire to the house with the kitty in it.

then you might as well let those hooligans kill the kitty! she wouldn't have died feeling betrayed. she would have just died ... hating those hooligans....

*silence* i am so... angry right now.

romance of two cameras...

once upon a time, in a corner of a camera shop of a small town in a little country... there lived a camera named Carmine.

Carmine was beautiful. she's just a simple compact camera, and not as big or valuable as the DSLRs she had seen in the shops, but the colour on her body; it glows brighter than any of the dull colours of those other cameras.

too bad for her though, because she never knew how beautiful she really was. she'd always been taking shots of the bigger and better cameras; she'd never seen herself look beautiful before.

the big cameras sometimes take photos of her too, but when they show the shots to her, the pictures are either too blurry or too dark. she hated all those other cameras for making her look ugly when she's always making them look beautiful and handsome.

"and they are the DSLRs," she mumbled to herself. "they're the ones who should be able to capture better photos!"

Carmine got devastated and sank further into the belief of her ugliness. there she sat, in the corner of the camera shop, believing with all her heart that she was an ugly camera.

one day, the owner of the shop plopped a camera next to her; one she had never seen before. he was a very ugly bright red, she had thought. one glance at him and she never bothered with him anymore.

he always took photos of her, though. this she ignored all the time because she believed that a boring camera like him wouldn't be able to make her look beautiful if the DSLRs weren't able to.

his name was Crimson, she soon learnt; and even if she did wanted to see the photos he took, he never allowed her to even glance at the shots. until one day when Carmine decided to snap a picture of him.

reluctantly, Crimson allowed a single shot to be taken by her. he didn't laugh; he showed a sad, meek smile as Carmine flashed her lens.

Carmine got a shock of her life. in the picture, the camera she had captured was the most beautiful she had ever seen. "he didn't even have to try! he just looked, and i'd gotten his beauty," she exclaimed. "not like those other big cameras. they all tried too hard to look good!"

one day, Crimson finally got the courage to show Carmine the photos he took of her. once again Carmine got a surprise to see the pictures; everything else was blurred apart from the little camera; her body glowed its carmine, making her stand out in all the pictures.

"these are beautiful!" she announces.

"you are beautiful," Crimson replied softly. he looked around the shop and added, "and nobody else knows so because they are busy thinking of their own beauty. i focused on you greatly; that is why i am able to easily portray your beauty in my lens."

"you're good-looking yourself," Carmine giggled. "all you had to do was look into my lens and i already saw how handsome you are."

and so they lived happily ever after, because along came a boy and a girl who bought them both because of their common liking for the colour red. *ahem*
______________________________________________
man that sure was impromptu.

moral of the story? there will come someone who will think you are so, so, so beautiful just by looking into your eyes, and can easily tell and show you the beauty you don't believe you have.

t'is my beautiful Carmine (;

come back soon! i'll blog again. hohum.

response to sofea AM3.

hello sofea (; ok i saw your mention to me, and the snapshot of my tweet in your profile, and boy do i have many things to say in response to that. (sorry but i don't know your real name, thus the simple address of your character's name)

 the snapshot of me tweet.

1. t'was just an innocent opinion, girl. i mean, you should know how twitter is full of remarks regarding the characters in AM3, right? yeah, that had just been one of mine. 

2. 'the characters that i dislike most'. i don't hate you, and i don't hate you. it's just the character. i hadn't mentioned your real name, aite? i don't know you. why should i hate you?

3. this just my opinion. you haven't read other comments that i'd seen about your character man. don't hit on me.

4. fact about me: i don't easily give my hate out to others that easily. love is the opposite of hate and i like to say "contradictions always have something in common". what do hate and love have in common? they're both strong feelings. i wouldn't give them out just like that. the only way to really make me hate you is if we know each other for years and i used to love you. which neither of them i've been through.

5. the most important response: i don't really care about attention. the only interest i have in being in the media is by being a journalist. i don't even like to act, so tell your fans please that i am not 'jealous' cause i don't get to act in shows. you can have all your attention, i don't really need or want any of that. i am fine the way i am.

now that all that is done, yeah. thank you for reading. i don't hate you man. i just dislike your character. honest opinion; innocent comment.

a story about pudding! ...TOO much pudding.

remember Teen Titans? t'is i borrowed from the library today, last minute. *grins* wonderful, innit?

my current book is this, though.

you know Anne Frank? well neither do i. but mom used to mention her all the time, that's why the name rung a bell when i read that on the cover. for all i understood, through mom, was that this girl kept a diary when she was hiding during the 'cleansing' of Jews or back in the 1940s or something.

i got to admit to you guys. books, in british english, are always best when they're set in the 1930's or 40's. i kind of enjoy books set in those times, namely The Double Shadow and this Annexed.

some books had also been set in the future before, but those in my opinion are not so good. they can be too far-fetched sometimes, what with the strange 'rules' made by the author, if you get what i mean? yes, in my opinion reading about the past is better than about an imagined future.

of course, in real life, personally i think it's better to imagine the future than reminisce the past.

that aside, i have a story which i suddenly remembered while reading in the library just now. about this rich Japanese dude who loves women.

he's rich, so his parents are quite traditional, that's why they tried to matchmake him with this really sweet girl. sweet... and also not his type because he likes "playful" girls, if you know what i mean.

thus, his dad tries to make him lose interest in all other girls, to make him be with this sweet young lady. know what he did? he smothered the dude with women, all kinds of women! a lot, like seriously a lot til even the dude got real sick and suffocated.

you see, when the dude was young, his father always brought him to eat pudding. he loved pudding so much that one day he announced to his father; "one day i want to eat a pudding THIS huge!" with his arms spread out wide apart.

his father being rich actually had a pudding specially made, bigger than what his son had wanted. not even halfway through the pudding, the dude started crying. "i can't eat anymore... i don't want to..." he bawled. and since then, dude had never eaten pudding anymore, not one bit.

no matter how much you love something, if you get too much of it you will get sick and tired.

don't you think your holidays had been like that? too much time on your hands right? if you had had real boring holidays it probably means you haven't done enough studying. because you love doing your own things, right?

yeah, continue la. in the future when you really have a lot of time on your hands; only then would you be totally sick of all the things you like to do. get it?

been taking pictures in black and white since last night, as you can see. the emotionless look. heh!

i've been thinking of piercing a third on my left ear. know what's my stupid reason? so that i can place 109 on my ear. i think that'd be beautiful !

the best thing that's happened to me.

remember this post?

sorry my Axes, but apparently i am still not over him. 

he really was the best thing that's ever happened to me. meeting with him, knowing his name, getting to be his one and only God sister, liking him for three years and being with him. really. best ride of my life.

if i continue talking about him i'd probably go into a far-away daze and start smiling, lost in the past.

it's difficult. it's really difficult; to move on, to forget. they say "forgive and forget", but why is the latter so hard to get done in contrast to the simplicity of the former? they don't go together now, don't they? especially if you love the person in question so much.

i can forgive him. i can, but i cant forget. only if he were to be here again, only then could i forgive him and forget; forget the way he had hurt me.

wow, guess what? i actually have 4,441 tweets as i am typing this. i still remember him being so obsessed with achieving 4,444 tweets back then. it was the day which we met after i ended my mid shift at EK, and we went to get pizza...

ugh, my Axes... it hurts! T.T

remember these?

oh aye, i forgot to tell you guys. that ring. back in april, i had ripped the chain off from around my neck and kicked the ring, well, somewhere. i've no idea where it is exactly, but it's around the area where he and i had shared our first kiss, nearly two years ago.

well now that my still-existent feelings for him have been publicised, i don't really have to be sneaky about it anymore, right? precious diary holds much uglier secrets though, but that's another story.

it really does hurt.

#20FactsAboutMe

since i am still far from slumber, i shall bring forth a trend from Twitter; #20FactsAboutMe. simple ones.

let's go aztecs let's go let's go!

01. i hate it when people call me photographer. because i am not. 

02. i like the colour pink, but because i'm almost always seen in black, people think that's my favourite colour.

03. my all-time favourite band is still Story of the Year.

04. i can't stand neatness to an extreme. i can be organised but put me into a room full of neatly arranged books, i'd probably start messing them up deliberately, especially if they all look similar. 

05. i'm always being told to smile more.

06. i used to watch a lot of anime, my favourite being Jigoku Shoujo.

07. i can be sexually vulgar whenever i want to. i entertain guys when they're being sick because i am sick in the mind too. 

08. i hadn't been working at EK for a while now (been about 4 months) because the last time i worked, i screwed up really bad and daren't show my face there since.

09. i collect notebooks as a hobby; writing in them is my passion.

10. i have a habit of not washing lent hoodies unless i was told by the lender to do so. 

11. i love to irritate the hell out of people but i get irritated easily. 

12. my w o r s t game addiction -- worse than my obsession with Alice:Madness Returns, Brave Story:New Traveler and Pokemon Ruby -- has got to be Final Fantasy Tactics on GBA. 

13. i really love the sun. 

14. i've been with the moniker 109 for more than three years already; way longer than any other nickies i'd had eg Aisara (2008-early 2009).

15. i like to think that i am inspiration for people who try to imitate me ie copycats. (and i get that a lot)

16. i used to write songs a lot, along with the choruses and bridge. only a few of them had had a proper tune and all. 

17. i've never done much to my hair other than a simple cut. i don't style it, i've never permed or rebonded, and i don't plan on dyeing or doing that chalking shit. 

18. i like my teeth despite their lack of straightness.

19. my birthday is in september. but dont wish me this year because i'm planning to spend my 17th alone.

20. i still think he's the best boy ever, in terms of best friend, brother, and boyfriend.

there we go. what are twenty facts about you?