Still developing, still learning.

once upon a time, she who had a good husband went looking for another man outside the household.

she brought her daughter on their dates, and her daughter watched them caress each other as he held she in his arms. the little girl couldn't focus on the movie; she was getting fascinated with the way she and the man enjoyed the other's embrace.

once upon another time, he who had a sweet girlfriend went looking for another girl from the very same classroom.

he wasnt having any problems with his girlfriend but he went to look for solace from the girl. he held her hand and he held her in his arms and he made her fall in love with him.

i dont even know what 'karma' is anymore. it means so many things. not only in the sense that you get treated the way you treat others; but what about in the sense that you are now treating others how you were treated in the past? what about in the sense that you've watched your role models do "bad" things that you are doing right now?

i lost my last baby tooth yesterday; my symbol of immaturity, if you remember from this post.

now that it's gone, i feel like i can finally move on in life. i've been admiring the space between my other adult teeth and staring at the top of my last growing adult tooth sprouting from my gum.

and then i thought; just because the milk tooth is out, it doesnt mean the adult tooth will just as instantly grow in its place. it takes time for the latter as well.

give me time, would you? i'm still growing up. i still dont know what goes on in my head. you're right, i have escaped it, physically, but i sure as hell havent escaped it mentally.

give me more time, would you, baby?

'Aamir and I. [for fifteen minutes]

the boy popped by for a visit yesterday. we had the best sandwiches i've ever tasted, and coke which his stomach was not able to digest.

A metaphor not worth reading.

it just breaks my heart to walk past the places where i'd wanted to go. but have no authorised access to. it just pains me, to imagine myself being able to go there. but in reality, i'm not.

it feels like i'm lost. i know where i'm going, but i'm not even sure what i'm doing here. i know i'm heading north. but what am i gonna do once i'm there? why am i even here in the south?

o well. at least here where i am, i get to gain experience, acquaintances; what i never once expected to obtain. at least i know i am gonna continue walking; because i havent got what i wanted.

i will keep on walking. til i get to where i really want. for now wherever my destination is, i'll get there, complete what i must, and then i'll head towards where i really want to.

i just hope, that by the time i get to the north, i still have the same desire to go where i want to right now.

____

am in class now. just a quick update. smell ya later!

A new semester.

opens new post

remember back in our childhoods when we were kids getting all worked up over Mew's clone because he was so powerful and so cool?

well, there is a rumoured new form of Mewtwo in Pokemon X and Pokemon Y.
and it looks like this.

a tail on the head! so c o o l!! :-)

SURF through seas, FLY through skies, ROCK SMASH and CUT through all obstacles, back to Kanto and hide in Pallet Town

____

Saturday, 6th of April, 2013

had one last date with 'Aamir. he's starting school on the 8th and he was gonna be real busy soon. as would i. so i just thought i'd better spend my off day with the boy.

he had a long journey through the North South and Circle lines before meeting me at Paya Lebar, and we made our way to Lavender to look for a street we've both never been to.

and the shop we were looking for was closed.

Bugis was our next stop, where we went to Cotton On; and he picked out a pair of jeans and a shirt for me {: where the hell can you get a boyfriend who picks out clothes for you?

tried them on and damn girl. for once i liked what i saw in the mirror. 'Aamir did a good job.

so i had a conversation with the salesgirl which i initiated, and i was telling 'Aamir about it when he gave a surprised smile and said; "you started a conversation?" and he gave me applause.

he kept staring at me and exclaiming, "you look so pretty today!" because i wore my hat like how i always did on our first few dates {: to ignite that memory, and spark the passion, you know?

sat at the staircase  snacking on fishballs, chicken wings and cheap apple juice before heading to Tampines to meet an Instashop owner.

'Aamir and i were really pissed at each other at this point of time. it was something i did, but i only got pissed at him because he was rejecting my advances to cheer him up.

in the end i got him a meal from Burger King and specially presented his chocolate sundae to him, before he decided he wanted to talk to me.

made our way to Woodlands, all the way in the green and red lines, to do a little bit more shopping before heading to the gym to meet Luke.

and that was the last time i hung out with 'Aamir before he started school.

____

Sunday,7th of April, 2013.

upon alighting from bus 3, i straightway ran down the street, across the road, and up the escalators, only slowing down to turn corners. and damn girl! i was still late for work! 

still, i did what i always do when i am late on Sunday mornings: slack. Shushan repeatedly came to me and exclaimed, "SLACKER!" i just laughed and practically dragged myself to do my work. 

even when we both had our things to do, i kept going to her and telling her about my date with 'Aamir the day before, and making her admit how adorable the boy really is :3 

the thing about the tuna puffs made me laugh til i was literally kneeling on the floor clutching my stomach!! holy shit that was priceless! 

when we were both done with our tasks, and there were no more customers coming in, i went down to get us bubble tea. the usual; i didnt have to say anything and the bubble tea lady already knew what i wanted, for myself and for Shushan. 

we were slacking back at the bakery, when Shushan received a text from Lady Boss. she read out loud; "lao ban shuo, yo kong, *some tasks that we were supposed to do on our own initiative*" 

and Shushan was like, "scary right? how she know we are free now? she got spy sia." 

so we decided to take a cloth and clean the shit out of every surface we could find. 

and yes! once again i got addicted to cleaning for a while there. Shushan kept stealing my best friend Cif from me, and kept meddling with the space that i was cleaning. we had so much fun that it didnt feel like work at all! 

during the night shift, though, there were so many customers coming and going, and although it was time for me to go, i decided to stay and help Shushan because she looked so stressed. 

we endured the endless waves of annoying customers, til it was 8, and i left when things were getting quiet again. 

and that was the last time i worked a whole day with Shushan. 

____

Monday, 8th of April, 2013.

came the day both 'Aamir and Shushan started at their respective new schools. i dragged myself to work, knowing Shushan wouldnt be there, knowing i would not be able to text 'Aamir. i felt so alone, i felt left behind. 

it felt like they were walking roads which i would never be able to reach. 

thats how alone i felt. 

____

Monday, 15th of April, 2013 - Friday, 19th of April, 2013

had brand new Converse on my feet, and on the Paya Lebar MRT platform, i took the train heading to Joo Koon instead of Pasir Ris; i was on my way to school instead of work, finally!

both 'Aamir and Shushan were texting me too; i was not alone after all. silly me to think i was getting abandoned. they gave me support i needed to feel confident about myself, and damn girl! i was early in reaching school :D 

my classmates were, initially, really quiet. annoyingly quiet in my humble opinion. you couldnt blame me for comparing them to my previous classmates, the chaotic 4/2 2011 and 5/1 2012. 

there is this one particular guy who caught my attention for looking really unamused. and when i say unamused, he really looks unamused. 

so unamused that it began to amuse me. 

the lunch with advisor on Thursday the 18th was awesome. by then most of us were in the class Whatsapp group, and when things got a little awkward, we do what we do when we are awkward... look at our phones. 

we were snickering here and there and occasionally burst into laughter throughout the presentation, til the advisor had to ask, "what are you all laughing about?"

and the unamused guy? his name is Shafie. and during that hour or so, he looked so darn amused. 

i couldnt stop giggling myself! this class is awesome. 1A1, just so you know :3

we chatted til 2 in the morning, the wee hours of Friday the 19th; and we got pizza together before school started. Shafie was looking smokin hot but damn, it started raining and we were all freezing. 

at least the rain stopped when it was time to make our way to school. arrived at the lecture hall early, and we all sat down to Whatsapp for a while, still giggling here and there XD 

when the briefings were over, Susan and i went to the poolside canteen, with Shafie and Qi Hong joining us a while later. the more i talked to Shafie, the more amused i was because he was so darn good at keeping that unamused face! 

the four of us hung out at the Grandstand to charge phone [Shafie] and look at people in their sports ccas [Susan]. talked a bit, getting to know each other, all the way til 8.30.

i'm starting to really love my current classmates. 

in the past, whenever i started in a new class, i would spend the first few days with the new classmates thinking and missing my previous ones. but 1A1 is different. i'm looking forward to school days with this great bunch of people. 

Poem for his first day of school.

Hey there, charming little prince.
Little girl calling you here from the East.
For granted i had taken your embrace.
And then three months passed without my notice.

Someone tomorrow is starting school.
Friends and environment, everything is new.
People and surroundings, probably scaring you.
But dont you worry babyboo.

With the lines above your mouth when you smile,
Underneath the eyes that are indescribable bright,
Head to the sky chin held high.
Yes boy you today are going to shine.

Eyes will look and some will judge.
Some will glance and wont think much.
Girls will turn and start to gush.
Some might even develop a crush ]:

Just look ahead and remember why you're here.
Dont dwell on the past, because those failures are over.
Ahead of you believe me is a bright future.
Advert your eyes to it, pretty as a picture {:

Wallowing in self pity i may be.
Not the perfect example for you to see.
But i'm not stopping here, and neither are you.
Im not giving up my dreams, so you'd better not too.

This is specially for 'Aamir Kamsari and anyone else who's starting in a new school tomorrow/soon.

Don't stop, no matter what you do. Cry and regret and get pissed at the education system all you want. But don't ever, ever stop moving forward.

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The right hand.

as a child, i was taught to always accept things with my right hand. especially money. every time an adult gave me money and i stuck out my left hand, Mommy would snap, "ambik dengan tangan apa tu?"

Granny also tells me all the time; "apa-apa tangan kanan. tangan kiri tangan syaitan."

now as a salesgirl, people pass me money every single hour of the day. those who don't follow this courtesy would still accept their change with the left hand, but i still make the effort to free my right hand to accept the money.

there is this particular customer who left an impression on me long ago in regards to this. he works at the barber's three shops away and he passes by the bakery to and fro regularly. once in a while he comes in and buys mineral water; occasionally a red bean bun.

he was talking on the phone when he paid, that one day, and i was giving him his change when he switched hands just so he could retrieve it with his right hand.

you may think it's nothing much but it left a deep impression on me. i told myself that i would make sure i will always accept money with my right hand, especially to this guy.

so two days ago, i was doing my work as always. it wasnt that crowded, it being a weekday. but i dont know what possessed me to be so hasty; i cut myself by accident, by hitting my hand on the corner of a sharp edge. with full force.

at first i felt the pain of  bruise, til i saw there was a cut, and a few drops of blood were sliding down. i stared, fascinated, until i realised that the blood was not stopping its flow.

plop, plop, plop. like the start of a drizzle, the blood dripped onto the floor. i crouched on the floor watching, not knowing what to do. and then someone called me over the counter.

i stood up. it was the barber guy. "oh, sorry, my bad." i laughed nervously. i hid my right hand behind me as it was bleeding profusely, and proceeded to take his money with my good hand, when i remembered how he had always accepted his change with his right hand.

i switched hands, and nervously stuck out my bleeding hand to him. as he was laying his coins into my hand, i withdrew it behind the ledge and more blood dripped onto the lower end of the counter.

he looked at me suspiciously and asked, "is something wrong?"

another nervous chuckle. "nothing, i'm just bleeding."

i walked over to the cash register afterwards, making more and more blood drip all over the floor. he walked behind the counter and took a look, and he paused for a second, taking in the sight.

"you need a plaster." he declared. he disappeared for a while and came back with tissues and Hansaplasts; cleared and covered the wound for me.

he asked me what happened and i tried to remember too but i couldnt seem to.

he went back to work after seeing that my wound was all wrapped up, and came back later to give me a few more plasters in case i needed them.


if it hadnt been for him, i would be at a loss of what to do. never had an accidental cut for so long, and not in public, so i wasn't very prepared for the massive blood loss.

i have many points for telling this story. not only the kindness of a stranger, but also the emphasise on safety at work, and the fact that if you keep a promise, it would help you more than you can imagine in future. 

i've been relying on my left hand for now, because parts of my right hand still feel numb, especially around the cut. i cant even hold a pen properly, so im forced to suspend my writing til it's fine again. o well.

it's a struggle to push up the shutters, you know! 

Bringing up the past a while.

Where was he when i needed him? Wasnt it his mistakes, wasnt it his trail of gasoline? Wasnt it his mess; wasnt it his responsibility to clean up?

I called. I texted. I waited underneath his void deck. Hoping, just hoping, that he would just look at me and help me. That he would know what is going on with me and understand that i needed him the most.

But no. He never looked at me. He had left, and i pushed everyone away, and he wouldnt even look at me.

Now, 2013. I have you. You always have your eyes on me. But... You still talk to your ex-girlfriend so regularly. Someone from your past. Is she alone? Is she an island isolated from the people she thought she could count on?

I was ignored when i really needed the one who left me. Why should i give someone from YOUR past the privilege of having your eyes on her, when you are mine now? Why should i let you talk to her, why? Tell me why.

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Beyond saving.

I will never forget how you both kept hitting me without listening to me first.

I recall how she always hit me with a hanger, and he with his belt. ...Oh, i was the one who got him that belt for his 45th birthday.

It was unfair. Not only were they never there for me, but they never tried to listen to me when i had problems. Oh he said i could go to him if i had problems. So i told him. All he could do was hit me.

"Patut ah, tak belajar, selama ni kau keluar dengan jantan!" i remember his words, shouted from my bedroom door. As i laid on the bed clutching my stomach.. "Kalau dapat itu jantan aku rembat habis ah."

I didnt want to go to school because it was getting pointless.. He didnt listen to what i had to say. He only presumed that i was losing interest in my studies. What did he know.. He never looked behind the bedroom door.

All he cared was the competition between him and his many siblings. It was obvious from the very start. He kept pressuring me to go Jc. Mommy told me it was because.. If i did, i'd be the first among his brothers and sisters' children to have made it.

I dropped art on purpose so i'd only have 5 subjects. So i wouldnt have enough subjects to go to Jc. It was a rash decision but at that time i really didnt know what else to do..

Do you still remember..? When he thought i was being cocky just because i was taking O levels. "Dia ingat dia O levels je dia dah boleh pijak kepala kita." what did he know.. He didnt know i was way behind my classmates and i was aware of that.. THATS why i wanted to study so bad.. Is that "cocky"..?

And she.. When she carried me in her stomach did we not create any bond? Why does she understand my brothers but never me? I thought she would dote on me the most because i was a girl. She used to call me her "sweetheart darling honey".. And her nickname for me: "Nure'in". When was the last time she called me that in her affectionate tone? Is it just a childhood thing?

Why did she like to hit me? Why did she enjoy insulting me? Why did she give her attention only to her sons and not me? Why did she not notice that i was cutting? Was the blood all over the sleeve of my uniform not enough?

17 years, they raised me.. Was that not enough to notice if there was anything wrong with me?

Why did my elder brother received help and their attention when he already announced wanting to drop out of school? Why was my younger brother immediately sent to the hospital whenever he had a high fever?

Why was i shunned when i made it to Sec 5, an O levels year? Why was i not bothered with when i was sick, presumed to be pretending so i could skip school?

I never understood why they always came searching for me when i ran away in rebellion to their negligence. Like i used to say; "dont bring home an injured cat if you've no idea how to treat it."

They should be happier now. They have one less mouth to feed. A useless girl out of the family. A ghost out of that God-damned house.

I still dont understand why they hated me so much.

But it's okay. They dont own me anymore. I'm just an injured cat. They're sending me away, my aunt's place is like a vet, take care of me and heal me, or put me to sleep for all they care, so they can say "It really was beyond saving already."

I am beyond saving.

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