i cant, im sorry.

i cant handle this anymore. i dont have the physical ability. i aint as strong as i think i am. im the weakest person i know. im sorry. i aint strong aft all. i cant be on my own aft all. im sorry, but i really need tht boy. i really need him. please do smth abt it, would you, God ? please ?

there's been a song playing in my head since ytd, but i cant tell whether it's trapt or trivium. ive listened thru all the trapt i have, none of them was the one tht was in my mind. then it must be trivium, but whats the problem now?

tht's right. trivium is tht boy's fave band. i cant bring myself to listen to any of tht. not yet, at least, cause im the strongest person ive ever met. we take it slow. im not saying trapt has no memories of him, tho. cause yeah... there is.

anyway, this was the very last picture i took of E'indah E'esa. 5th of feb 2012.



i think she's a really beautiful person, in her own way. she just never believed it, and only did when tht boy was the one who told her. tht's why when he left, she just decided to abandon her whole self, just believing tht her soul is ugly.

tht was stupid of her.
but it was also stupid of him.

To wake up
Knowing you've got a day
Is a blessing.
Make yourself unwilling
To sleep away
The Pain.
And run
Run
Without mercy
Because you've got
The choice,
And time of day.

hold on tight to the things you're given. because you never know when someone might just come over and snatch it all away from you. tht someone looks like you sometimes. you see yourself coming up to you, and you're thinking you look so beautiful, when you suddenly snatch your things away from you.

it's scary, isnt it ?

i've finally got the guts to be on the comp.

somehow, it's always the most dangerous place. it's where people hurt you, and where you hurt yourselves. it's where you get hurt, basically. you see things tht hurt your feelings, be it enemies tht talk abt you, or exes tht are doing fine without you.

and you see things tht spoil your mind, be it the violence or the pornography. it makes you want to do things tht you shouldnt. on the other hand, it's where you can get inspired. you see things tht others do, the good things, like video diarying or blogging, letting out all your feelings.

but maybe it's not good. you see so many things tht so many people do, tht you just lose the interest in your main talent. you get undecided. spoilt for choice. sometimes, they are the wrong choices.

i'm still getting over the Being Left Behind. he was really the love of my life. why has my emotions towards his leaving not numb? aft all, he's alr left me behind three times. why do i not get used to it ?

currently planning my second MV which is to re:the world calling. the beginning would be easy, i can go on my own filming shit. but towards like near the ending of the 1st minute, i'd need someone to help alr.

well.
i shall get over this, and i will. i will move on. not to other guys, just to the future. if he and i meet again someday, then we are meant to be. he cannot avoid tht. no more excuses.

none for me too . because i am the strongest person i have ever met.
the weakest, but still the strongest.

a new identity.

this is a rebellion against myself. remember Eindah Wrister? she was created when tht boy left me for the 2nd time, in 2010. this girl was meant to be a withdrawn person, a douche who doesnt care what ppl think of her.

he left me again. he left me for the 3rd time, and yes, i decided to be somebody i aint, all over again. who's the She tht i am creating this time, for 2012? she's a bitch. now tht ive got contacts, somehow i feel somewhat more confident abt my looks.

remember the girl who hides her face because she'd rather look at the world than have the world look at her? tht was E'indah E'esa, the girl who had cared what she thought of the world and not vice versa.

im neglecting her again, and this time i shall be Re'ine Nadhie, the bitch who doesnt care what she thinks of the world, but who cares what the world thinks of her.



take it as a show of cowardness if you like, but i think i'm the strongest person i have ever met.

yes, i've changed my blog url again. dont ask me why please, i have my own reasons. but i dont wanna explain, so dont ask me at all, like seriously. favour ok ?

anyhoos, shall make a blogskin tht suits bloggie's new url tmrw. for now, *yawns* i shall go to bed. goodnight my firetrucks. i mean, my axes. o, and i shall also share the story on how the name came up. aahhhh -_____________________- goodnight. love you all.

sushi with z classmates!

heidiho.

it is the second day of the month and i alr feel quite pessimistic.

so today, i happened to have left home a little earlier than usual. ended up taking the bus tht came at 6.25 and when it passed by cc again, i saw two other 358s coming, and i was like wondering why was there an abundance of 358s this morning.

walked with timothy as always, talked abt his stalker . then blah3 arrived in sch. hmm i dont rmb much abt sch today. just tht, i went to art cause everyone was telling me not to run. and guess what? ms chua was absent.

wrote abt the MBWOE during the whole 2 periods. i've got one firetrucking long entry abt her in there now.

english was 2 relief periods where i did the compre tht mr syafie gave us. during recess, i completed the work which i owed cikgu fatimah. had a period of physics aft tht, followed by a development test in humans, which i think i did pretty well.

halfway thru the second page tho, my hand started to get really crampy. there was this little pain between the knuckles of my middle and fore fingers. it hurt so much each time i tried writing, but in the end, i made it.

and then it was mother tongue, and guess what? i had work to hand in! yeah, tht's smth to be proud of. teacha looked real proud you know. and then i did my work, but you know what teacha said? "no, no, this aint what you're supposed to write. this is one level above what we are still doing today."

i can, you know. i'm just a lazy douche who wants to do things her own ways sometimes.

had lunch, where we all slacked in the classroom as always. it was raining and most of us were sleeping. didnt want to sleep, so i got up and went for a walk around the 4th floor, went to toilette and back and then toilette again and back again.

last 2 periods was maths, where i tried to pay attention but i kinda couldnt. i was daydreaming most of the time , or talking to either girls on my sides, which were asleah and siying. when the last period was ending, we all made plans to eat hei sushi tgt.

once the final bell for the day went, we all dashed home, and met back again at dte's hei sushi. guess what? i was the first to arrive! saw jing hui on the way there, he was gg to work.

eons later asleah and pearl came along, and then many many eons later timothy and then some more eons later rayner. so we all went into hei sushi aft looking at the prices thingy outside.

so, yeah. we all ate like we aint gonna be there for tomorrow. took whatever tht looked nice, except the black and red plates, cause we'd have to pay if we took those. whenever we saw smth tht looked nice but it was on one of those coloured plates, we would look so disappointed, haha.

alotta funny shit happened as well. at one point we all suddenly wanted takoyaki , so we stared and stared at the belt for some to come along. many eons later saw a few at the other side of the shop.

guess what tim did, he stood up and dashed all the way there, grabbing two plates of takoyaki and running back to our table. we were all damn happy and started eating those straightway, heh.

we all ate so much! i kept taking the ebi . didnt eat the tails tho, idk why, hmm . and this is how much we all ate, along with some of the pics we randomly took .






so then, paid the bill which was a whopping 114. paid my share of 22 and left the rest to settle among themselves. blah3 many eons later i was walking to ws with asleah, talking abt boys.

o yeah! saw ris nurul and fadzlee. the latter was like, "seindah~" . hehehe. memories.

went to popular cause we both needed to get some stuff. somehow i felt damn incomplete at this point . for some reason ah. i wanted to go to lib but asleah told me NO ): so didnt go. anyhoos, i still have 6 books in my possession, half of which ive not started reading.

laughed a lot with her. she's one of the few who can naturally make me laugh altho without the intention. but the most irritating thing abt these ppl in my life is tht, when i look at them, i would want to laugh alr. for no good reason.

stopped by cotton on, wondering which hoodie to get for shady, before gg to withdraw money (asleah) while i went to topped up her ez link card. then many eons later, i am home.

i am home.

nobody's home. i think if i threw a party for a whole day in this house, nobody in the family would have known.

so. i wonder where's irshad.

sometimes i miss the 2009 times. or the 2010 days before he kissed me on the forehead. the best friend times. sometimes. not all the time. i'm pleased with whatever i have.

currently listening to some Nine Days. the little area between the knuckles of my middle and forefingers still hurt, even when im typing. shall ask asleah to massage during class tmrw.

O SHIT ! i just realized tht ive not paid irshad his $45. holy firetruck! is tht why he seems angry with me!?!?

if you meant me to stand here just to watch you suffer, then be assured i shall let you down.

first day of the month!

why is my bf's ex still talking abt my bf ? stop it lah sia.

heidiho my firetrucks, i am home. shall we talk abt today now? i've alr promised my diary tht i would blog the details of all the shit tht's happened today. but let's not get to tht, take it slow alright?

it's february! guess what, if you look at the archives at the side, there's a February 2012 right at the bottom now :3 i texted some awesome ppl, gg all happy happy. and guess what?! was putting on my shoes when my father popped outta nowhere and placed 4 bucks on the dining table. my sch allowance!

dumped the notes into my box, since i've alr taken out a few coins from my savings for the day, and stepped out of the house feeling a little light (?) .

alighted at central to meet with timothy who was at shop and save. walked to sch as always, talked abt his stalker. and then he talked abt the book he got ytd, the one abt the abused girl. hell yeah, an abused girl.

when we got to class, started reading "going"2 . to tell you the truth, it's not to my liking so far. o well. and then we had writing, which is one of my most fave periods to be honest.

some eons later when the 8 o clock bell rang, we all went to toilette to change, and guess what? i had my fringe clipped up thru out p.e. today ^_^ watched the guys play sepak takraw, damn funny shit.

at one point it came flying straight at us, i managed to duck and it bounced off the wall and hit siying's shoulder i think.

aft p.e it was humans, where we were supposed to have a development test. when mrs sherri was like, "does anyone want to postpone this test?" i saw daniel tersengih-sengih to himself, and i was like, "daniel." and then he was like "....!!!"

mrs sherri was like, "daniel? you want to postpone the test?" and then turned out zharfan wanted to as well, and then teacha was like, "can you guys gimme a valid reason?" and then daniel was like, "cause we just finished playing p.e. and we are very tired."

so yeah, now the test is tmrw. did pair work instead. which was pretty boring, i dislike pair work. and group work. well actually depends on who the ppl are la .

aft tht was recess. lingered in the classroom for a little while, and then syazana was like, "eh y u no wish me happy birthday!?" i thought i did, but then it was just a dream.

had my fringe clipped up thru recess too! had elective aft tht, but i didnt want to go to the art room cause i thought ms chua didnt want to see my face for being a horrible student. followed asleah to f&n instead, aft saying bye to farizah, pearl and siying (which felt downright weird) .

nobody was at the home econs room, so we were lingering around like lost souls. walked up and down the random blocks, me wanting to avoid walking anywhere tht could be seen by ms chua. (i know the views from the art room ok)

in the end, found the rest of the f&n peeps in the comp lab 4. waited outside while asleah asked ms siti if i could linger around with them for the 2 periods. then ms siti came out and was like, "yes you may, but you better not disturb my students." ^_^

i didnt ok? i was a very good girl, doing my self studying. revised some ss. when the period was ending, received a text from syazana and she said tht mr singh was looking for me.

when i got back to 5/1 classroom, everyone was kecoh abt how mr singh was looking for me. along came the art students, and farizah said smth abt mr syafie calling my parents. and then someone said tht someone said tht i played truancy. i forgot both the someones.

sat at my desk, and then timothy asked me to close the back door for him, so i did. mrs woo happened to pass by, and when she saw me she retraced her steps and told me to come out for awhile, so i was like, o shit. luckily my fringe was up.

she asked me where i went, so i told her i was with the fnn peeps. she was like, "why did you go there when you are from art? you made all of us so worried, i thought you had blacked out somewhere or smth. please don't do tht again."

i told her abt how i was afraid ms chua didnt want to see my face.
she gave me this =.= look and was like, "i'll talk to you again. go back to class now."

went back to my seat where timothy and syazana asked what mrs woo said and then along came pearl who was like telling me all the shit tht ms chua said and then siying came and kept saying i die then asleah was like saying she gave ms siti the wrong info, saying i had 'no elective' and THE CLASSROOM WAS DAMN BLOODY KECOH ABT THE WHOLE ORDEAL SIA!

had chemistry aft tht.

and then maths.

then we were all dismissed.

took bus with asleah and timothy, where they both disturbed me when i was standing in the middle of them. as always. love them both tho. awesome ppl. around 3 smth, went back to ws to meet with asleah and pearl cause we were gonna have lunchey with siying.

took the train to changi city point , cause they were planning on eating manhattan fish market. their good olde workplace. felt so damn lost when they were all hugging and there i was tryna smile at their colleagues but none of them even bothered to look at me.

was abt to go off, when i saw tht my girls were alr ushered to a table, like finally. looked at the menus, ordered, and then our food arrived, then decided to get desert. the whole time, they all kept talking to their colleagues/bosses who just had to linger around the table. the fuck people, i'm tryna eat here.

aft desert, they were still talking so thought i'd go to toilette for awhile. when i got back, i saw tht they were all sitting with their colleagues. i didnt want to join them, cause i'd look like such a thick skinned douche. so thought i'd let them bond awhile.

went outside to soak in some heat while waiting for them. texted asleah to tell me when they were gonna pay the bill. eons later , no text. siying came along and told me no, the bill still hasnt been paid, so i passed her 10 bucks.

when she went off, i decided to go off as well. so i did, texted siying first. and then made my way back to pasir ris on my own. went to get a hair cut. you guys wouldnt see a difference but my fringe is kinda away from eyes now.

aft i get contacts, i wanna cut some hairstyle which-idk-the-name-but-i-know-how-it-looks-like. mmhmm.

when i got home, nobody was home. everyone was at their priorities, cept my mom who was out at USS with her colleagues.

i tried to braid my hair earlier. to the side. hmm, it wasnt tht bad. the way it looked, i mean.

currently making some weird piccie thingy to put at the top of my bloggie, just a messy collage. yeah, imma changing my skin soon too, i think. or maybe i shall just edit the colours. yeahh . thank you for reading this, my firetrucks. love you all. ^_^

holy shit, i miss him.