Crappy quotes.

You know writing is all i have.

It's what i've ALWAYS had.

It was my friend in primary school. It was my solace in solitude. It was my pride and joy.

I dont mind getting criticised for everything else in this world; my lack of looks, my lack of intelligence, my lack of musical ability, my lack of athletic ability.

I dont mind being looked down upon for not being good in certain things.

So dont ever hinder me for the ONLY thing in this god-damned universe that i AM good at.

Writing is all that i have.

It's all i fucking have. Get that into your head.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Not too much cheese or he'll puke.

now that i've a boyfriend, i havent been blogging about intelligent stuff much. all i can talk about here is how wonderful our dates are and how incredible our time spent together is. 

that's so cheesy. 

i still remember what was 'Aamir's Twitter bio when we first met, up to this day. i like cheesy jokes but not too much cheese cause it makes me puke. 

so this boy was supposed to work but he fell sick his first day on the job and the lady boss told me to send him home, one hour after he started. so i did. and he puked a lot!

you know how in Pokemon contests the trainers make their Pokemon combine their attacks to create something new, something for presentation. well 'Aamir combined Waterfall and Mud Sport and let it flow through to the toilet bowl, letting me be the judge of that show. 

ok that was a silly metaphor. 

took 969 from Tampines to the other end, Woodlands, and he was already wrapped up in my hoodie but he was still shivering, the poor boy. 

i felt bad for being unable to send him all the way home; he lives in Johore after all. 

i'd spent another whole day with him again the other day. we met in the North, Marsiling to be exact, at 8 in the morning because he wanted to go for a run. 

got some soya milk thing which we drank while walking to Woodlands Sports complex, and halfway i already wanted to surrender. 

"can i not run?" i kept asking. and each time he answered with a frustrated look which said don't you dare back out on me. 

upon arriving at the sports complex he made me change into his tshirt and shorts and his first reaction was "so cute!!" stuffed our phones and wallets into the locker and walked out to the field, and yes, my Axes. i ran, ok? i really did! without stopping! 

i ran 1/6 of the number of rounds 'Aamir ran. 

and 'Aamir ran 6 rounds. 

he could really run, and i'm surprised at that! really. 

so we separated to our respective changing rooms and i was done with cleaning myself up so i went over to the guys'. the whole lane was deserted so i just stood there by the door, and there he was, checking himself out in the mirror and adjusting his hair. 

i was just staring at him, thinking how cute he was when he turned, saw me, and jerked hard, exclaiming "HO! MAK KAU TERKEJUT!"

i swear i did not mean to scare him at all, but his reaction was priceless!!! you should have seen how he jerked in shock! i should have recorded that shit, damn it! i couldnt help giggling each time i remembered, and up til now it makes me giggle in memory. 

we explored the purple line mostly, first we headed to Hougang where i collected something i bought online; these keychains of Red's and Pikachu's sprites; gave the latter to 'Aamir. 

our last stop was Serangoon where we took a walk through Nex and sat at the library a while. by then it was 6 in the evening and we decided to go one last stop; Cotton On. 

i made him try on some of the "2 for $30" printed tees at the guys section, and when he showed me he had this proud grin on his face as he declared "i like it!" 

and then he exclaimed, "i like this shop! why havent i came in here before!?" with that smile of his and the lines at the corners of his mouth. too adorable.

headed to the Mrt station and took the Circle Line to Bishan, where we took the red line to Choa Chu Kang. and that was when we parted. 

days with 'Aamir are the best. 

when i'm with him i don't need to be anywhere else.

the time spent with him i'll always remember. 

even years down the road; this i assure. 

ok, too cheesy. wouldn't want the boy to combine his Waterfall and Mud Sport again. 

If they could read this now.

Now playing: The Script - If You Could See Me Now

The man called Father. And the woman called Mother. The two most important people who contributed significantly to our existence.

Did that give them a right to take my life as their own? Is it right for them to have expectations of me, to be proud of me or disappointed with me. Did they have the right?

My parents practically tossed me aside during my critical period back in 2012. Why? Because i disappointed them. Because i wasnt making them happy. So they decide; "i dont regard her as mine anymore."

If they could just abandon me during my failures, why should i regard them during my success?

Mommy locked me out of the house when i came back late from a study session. She vented her anger on me in the middle of my exam period.

Yet she had the guts to come over to my aunt's place, where i was living, and demand my O levels results slip.

Daddy was always working and didnt understand modern things. He did not understand that i needed friends and that i could not be alone anymore. He kicked me out when i stayed up overnight with my classmates.

Right. You're gonna say they're still my parents no matter what, and that they gave birth and raised me all my past 17 years. And that yes, i was young and stupid and wrong.

You know how tongues wag; "her parents didnt raise her properly", if eyes see an attitudinal teenager. Yes, it is true. My parents never raised me right. They did went wrong somewhere.

I just dont know where.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

The ginger cat's lullaby.

Buai laju-laju
Sampai hari petang.
Orang banyak lalu
Ginger tinggal seorang.

A song which my grandma sings to lullaby our ginger cat to sleep. It obviously has another meaning to it. One which describes me and my entire life thus far.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

I made a promise i will not fulfill.

"sit down. I need to talk to you."

I let go of the swing that Halia is lying in and turn to face my aunt. She turns off the radio as i take a seat by the dining table, legs up as usual.

When all is silent apart from the creak from Halia's swing, my aunt says; "do we give you any problems E'indah?" in that gentle-and-threatening-at-the-same-time tone. You know, the tone which makes you unsure of what it is you have to answer.

I shake my head.

"let me ask you then: what time did you work yesterday?"

"8 to 8 something."

It is a lie. But she can't know that. I've promised not to tell.

"why did you lie to us E'indah?" she asks again, expression unchanged. "you were 'sick' yesterday were you? You had yesterday off right?"

"I was supposed to work. But she gave me a day off."

"So why didn't you come home then?", to which i kept quiet.

She tells me how she had gone to talk to my lady boss at my workplace, how she had been told that i had the day off because i was apparently sick.

"Why did you lie to us E'indah? Do you know," her tone increases menacingly, "that the people i hate most are liars?"

She tells me how she used to beat her son up for lying.

I recall the times my own mother beat me for other little reasons. For anything but lying.

Whatever my aunt says after that recollection becomes a blur.

"i didnt want to tell your grandma but i had to. I dont want to keep things from her."

"do you really want to drive us to our graves quicker?"

"i went through all the time and trouble to take care of her health and you want to destroy my effort?"

"why do you like to be alone?"

"this house is not the same as your previous house where nobody cares. This is your home now and everyone here loves you so much."

"do you really want to prove your parents right when they told us about the insolent devil that they think you are?"

She tells me to apologise but my refusal comes in the form of ignorance and silence.

My grandmother comes in and my aunt says; "take her hand and kiss it, and say sorry. Promise you wont do it again. Please."

I still refuse to the point of her increasing her voice. I cant help getting scared... And i do as i was told.

Tears are sliding down my cheeks as much as i am trying not to cry. Strange how tears are a sign of your weakness yet they are always winning over whatever strength you have in you.

"do you ever want to go back to your house E'indah?"

I gather the strength to say: "Never."

Help; not punishment.

What happens when you find the body of a dead child in the playground? What would you do if the one guilty is none other than another child, not much older than the deceased?

What if he had no valid reason for the murder? What if it WAS intentional, and that he really is a violent child? Would you declare him guilty in court?

You do. You declare him guilty of murder. You lock him in juvenile detention, where he wastes his time away as punishment for his crime. Where he is exposed to other dangers, other kinds of pain; for what he had done to another boy.

But halt. This child, this murderer, has gone through more than you think. He has gone through more violence than you can imagine. His mother's boyfriends abused her, after she killed his father ruthlessly in front of his very eyes.

Does this boy deserve to be charged guilty of murder?

When a child commits murder, what he needs is not punishment; but help.

Think about it. And not only in the literal sense.

You dont leave someone because she's not religious. You stay with her and show her what's right and wrong. You know how stubborn she is; like every little boy who's seen more violence than he should.

But if you really want to help her,... If you really love her; would you not stay and hold her hand throughout her repent? 

When a child commits murder, what he needs is help, not punishment.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Two months together.

i'm really sleepy right now actually, but i shall blog because 'Aamir was just complaining to me about my lack of updates here. i haven't been writing in my diary too, believe it or not, because i've been either too busy working or too tired from working.

i got drunk at work yesterday and i got terrible scoldings from the lady boss about every single thing i did or didn't do. she decided to give me a half day today, seeing how tired i looked.

took a train to Bugis and i sat on its platform, watching the many trains pass to and fro. when the millionth train heading to JooKoon was nearly leaving, a hand grabbed my arm and i was pulled towards the doors, just in time, as they closed behind me.

"hey," he said; a boy named 'Aamir.

he gave me my hat, which i had entrusted upon him a few weeks back because he said he wanted to personally handwash it. in return i gave him the earpiece i had bought for him, a beautiful red and black Sony which he initially refused to accept.

he did eventually, and i watched our reflection as he leaned in to kiss my cheek.

we had lunch at a Wendy's at Orchard, where it was freezing! even his hoodie [mine actually, since i was the one who gave it to him] wasn't enough. what's more he ordered ice-cream for whatever reason, the damn barrel. [although i can't deny that it was delicious]

our initial plan of seeing each other was to head to Bishan, so we did. the first thing we looked for was The Wallet Shop, because 'Aamir had lost his. stood in there for quite some time before picking out one which really described him!

we walked around some more but there were really no bags that caught my eye. he pulled me to Royal Sporting House where there were a few pink ones, which he kept persuading me to get.

i kept wandering off to Artbox and Popular to look at the notebooks and books, but he dragged me to the arcade; the more i resisted, the harder he pulled.

we played Silent Hill first, familiar because i'd watched our Pewds play it. that one was awesome til we got to the point where we both died.

i've never really liked arcades but it was really fun, i have to admit.

and so... he pulled me to RSH once more and tried to coax me into buying the backpack he'd pointed out earlier. knowing i liked pink, he picked it out for me and told me to try it. i told him i do like pink, but it doesn't suit me. and so didn't the other colours.

"what about blue?" he asked, already looking tired. then his face lit up; "it's the colour of your Squirtle!"

and that was enough reason for me to get the blue one.

sat aside to change backpacks, removed all the rubbish and transferred the shit that i still use. 'Aamir hung my Squirtle and Pikachu together, and it pissed me off because 1. now Squirtle doesn't stand out because my bag is blue as well 2. Water-type and Electric-type?? are you kidding me? Pikachu is gonna kill my Squirtle.

he sang for me some One Direction songs, knowing how much it annoys me.

walked to the mosque, where he did his Maghrib prayers with a bunch of others. i sat at the bus stop watching, and i couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes in memory of the fact that i've never done that all my life.

walked to Bishan Mrt station talking about the least important things in our lives, and that was when we realised the date.

"it's our monthsary!!!" he exclaimed.

it's been two months since we got together. and i never realised how that time has passed so quickly.

we parted with our earpieces dangling down our fronts, his new wallet in his pocket and my new backpack hanging from my shoulders. along with a slight grin at the corner of my mouth.

and that, my Axes, was how i had spent my second monthsary with none other than 'Aamir.

[just so you know i rarely give a shit about monthsaries.]

but he's such an adorable boy and i can't help it.

Tertiary education worries.

how long have i not blogged? it's been nearly a month or so; that's long compared to the past where i'd find time to blog every single day.

it's March now; that was quick. i could have sworn it was just December yesterday. 

i've said this many times: this is 2013. i'm happy with the way things are, namely my residence in Guillemard and my relationship with 'Aamir Kamsari. 

i didn't have them in 2011 because i had other people to call my "family" and "boyfriend". i didn't have them in 2012 because i was hell bent on my solitude, believing in my misanthropy. \

i don't want things to ever change, but i know that's not possible. this happiness will only last for a while, and i can't deny that. i have to accept it. 

anyway, it's a month or so away from the start to my tertiary education. i still can't believe it; having gone through my O levels: that still feels like a dream. 

the new school year in a new school stirs worry for three things: the school fees, the mutual trust between 'Aamir and i, and my social awkwardness. 

just a few days ago, my aunt and uncle were talking about heading to this organisation to legalise my aunt as my guardian. my parents are not gonna be responsible for my school fees anymore; and it's impossible to have me pay for them on my own.

my lady boss has talked to me and she told me how many China girls have been waiting to get a job at the bakery. she said she was keeping a spot for me on Sunday mornings and holidays once school starts because she knows how i need the money. 

we all know how my previous boyfriend had left me a little after his first year in ITE started. maybe it was because he didn't have time for me anymore, maybe because it was another girl, maybe because he just wanted to focus on his studies. 

'Aamir and i are going separate ways, two different schools; i know 'Aamir will definitely look at other girls. but i don't want any particular one to get too close to him. 

i know it sounds silly, but i really don't want that to happen, no matter how little time we both have for each other in the future. yes, i'm being a silly girl right now. but you can't blame me. not when you have a really cute and funny guy as your boyfriend. 

ah... my social awkwardness. my good old social awkwardness. who would forget my first job where i didn't talk to anyone unless they talked to me; or my cousin's wedding dinner where i sat alone in the corner watching everyone socialise with each other, ignoring my presence?

first day of tertiary school is not the same as back in secondary 1 where everyone was all friendly faces. now i'm facing a judgmental society where one wrong move leads to a thousand wrong first impressions. 

i don't want to care about it, but i have to. because i don't want my tertiary years to end up like my sec 5 year, where i didn't get to focus on my studies just because i didn't have any friends to confidently interact with during lessons. 

yes, i can't deny that i didn't like being alone in school. i have to do my best to make friends in the poly life; to be myself; but not to the extent that would make people dislike me. 

we all know that my "true" self is a very unpopular person. 

it's a long road ahead of me, and i have to change the way i see things. if not, this ride is gonna be uncomfortably bumpy.

am i aware? yes. am i prepared? yes. but am i ready? no.