Hands which shaped my 2012.

i'd ended 2011 happy, thinking that 2012 would be just as good. that was a year ago, and looking back now; whatever i had thought 2012 to be was all wrong.

the people who were there at the end of 2011 are not here at the end of 2012. i never would have thought this, i assure you.

still, there have been times that certain people were there for me, when i least expect it. this year was the most solitary i had ever been; but it was also the year that made me realise i'm surrounded by many wonderful people after all.

this post is for all those people, and here i give warnings prior to that:
1. it might be lengthy because i'm summarising the entire year after all.
2. i don't want anyone to read this and think i am "step famous rabak" or whatever they call it.
3. this is a thank you, for being there, more like a letter and not a speech. again, i am not acting "famous".

i'm not very well-liked, or even well-known for that matter. i know that. but still, i appreciate the handful who do read my blog, whether or not they do it secretly.

not only my blog, but people who read my tweets and consider them too, if there are those who do. and my Tumblr too; the people there are really amazing.

the posts from butterflies-for-beauties, butterfly-project and venting-is-good-for-you tell me i am not alone, and that others are having a hard time too, or even worse.

the stories they post, the encouragement and support they gave out helped me unknowingly. although they are on other continents and shit, at least i knew there were people who were having a rough time too and that i was not suffering alone.

there is Connor Son, aka draconis-firago who went to the extent of adding me on Facebook so he could talk to me when he saw my Tumblr and my blog.

there is Pewdiepie, the best Youtuber i'd ever watched, who was there all along just being himself and making it a job to make me laugh. even though he doesn't know of my existence or how much i respect him; he was there to make me smile, whenever and wherever.

as small as Singapore is, there are also many people here that i interact with nearly everyday but never got the chance to hang out with.

there is Endy Othman whose daily tweets never fail to make me smile and snicker to myself. i don't remember why i followed him, but over time, i find myself comfortably tweeting with him shit, as if we've been friends for years.

there is Esha who has been there all along, but i always refused to make friends with her. when i gave in, she was still more than happy to accept me as a friend, and shared her stories, listened to my bullshit, and wanted to give me a makeover, a change, to help me in moving on.

there is Khairul Azhar, whom i've just known, that appreciates my passion for Pokemon. after he read my previous entry, he's been getting me to open up, to know me better; he's making the effort while i'm not but i can see him just trying harder.

there is Aamir Kamsari, someone i don't even remember how i met, who flattered me with his compliments, wanting to get to know me better even though i was always so cold or ignoring him.

there are many people in my school too, whom i'd seen a lot throughout my years in school, whether i was alone or among my clique. some of them graduated long before me, some with me, and some i would be leaving behind.

there is Wai Kit whom i've known since sec one, but didn't want to go near him because he was a loner. only when i myself became one did we started talking a little more. i bumped into him at school once when he was taking his O Level cert and he gave me encouragement by sharing his own sec 5 stories.

there is Tiffany whom i've known since sec two but yes, i regret having not hung out with her much when she was still in the school, because now she's always there on Twitter, encouraging me to move on, wishing me all the best; little things that tell me she thinks about me.

there is Hazirah who hasn't been on my timeline lately, but whenever i'm on hers, she is sure to reply to a tweet of mine, and ask whether i'm ok; she always manages to squeeze in some sweet words that never fail to make me feel better.

there is Ernie who has been my schoolmate for years yet we only just started to talk. he seems to treasure this friendship of ours, and i really appreciate that, as well as the fact that he reads my blog regularly and is not ashamed to let me know.

there is Alisya whom i've always been looking at since last year, but never had the guts to talk to her because of the guilt; til just recently, when she told me she read my blog, and told me to stay strong. i appreciate her reading my stories, calling me a beautiful blogger, assuring me that one day my hoping will all be worth it.

there is Shukree whose tweets i can relate to, that not many people think so as well these days. the rare conversations, things he told himself which i never would have thought, his perspectives that i never would have imagined. many things he told me were so meaningful.

there are the people whom i don't get to see everyday, but at that one point of time they took effort to be there for me, whether i got kicked out of the house, or laying down on the floor of a void deck, or just needed someone to watch me cry.

there is Natalee whom i always go to when i have something to share without having her judge me. who trusted me and was always coming to share with me her own problems, although i am not very good at giving advice. who was there to make me be happy just by being herself.

there is Azreenie who is going through her own problems, yet told me that she will always be there for me. always sharing with me her own opinions of the things in my posts when we do meet. someone who knows how to make me smile and snicker, even by being annoying, even though she's tired too.

there is Syafiq Anwar who listened to me babble on about Pokemon, sharing the excitement as we imagined if they were real. who listened to me talk on an early Monday morning in the wee hours, about things which he needn't be bothered with at all. yet he listened.

there is Syazana whose house i ran to when i had a terrible gastric pain, who repeatedly told me things to knock some sense into my head, no matter how much i never listened to her words. who was there during suspension, who made me laugh with whatever she said.

there is Syamirul who believes in me so much, giving me all the support to go back onto the right path, even if he doesn't gain anything from it. knowing him better, knowing our differences just pulled me to him. sitting on the breakwaters, listening to him sing, him listening to me talk. him praying for me to change.

there is Ms Adimah who read all my emotional shit, from my spontaneous/critical books and compos, got tossed all sorts of attitude from me, yet still did her best to pull me through my last year of sec school, by giving me pieces of inspiration and motivation time and time again.

there is Haikal whom i shared many of my thoughts with, who brought me to his favourite places and treated me to drinks, who listened to my horrible singing. who brought me to places he knew i'd've liked, who held me in his arms when i was freezing cold in the rain.

there is Nick who has seen me trying and failed throughout this year, whom i hurt time and again but was still there for me. who always listened to my bullshit no matter how i treated him like crap. who taught me how to ride a bike,who entertained my sudden longings to cycle.

there is 'Irfan whom i forced to bring me up the pavillion at seashell park like he used to. listened to the way i had been after i got dumped, watched me cry as he listened to his own twin brother's trail of gasoline. who brought my hair back for me and told me to pin it up, which i managed to, for the rest of the school year.

and then of course, there are my classmates. although i isolated myself from them all this year, they were still there. despite my attitude towards most of them here and there, they continued being the noisy bunch they were, and in the end, they won with the positive energy that they attacked me with.

there is Nabilah who shared with me her stories, and listened to mine as well no matter how draggy and crappy they were. who, at one point of time, was going through a heartbreak as well but stood up straight, with pride enough to encourage me to be as strong as her.

there is Wanxuan who took the time and effort to send me long encouraging texts, who chased me all across the void decks when she saw me smoking, who listened to what i had to say for wanting to smoke, for giving me a much-needed hug.

there is Fazerah whom i bumped into on the train back in April, who told me her own opinions about guys, who cheered me up time and again in the classroom, by being herself. who is a strong example of someone who doesn't give a shit what others think of her.

there is Zharfan whom i didn't talk to much because i was afraid of how he would respond, but whose smile always managed to enlighten me.

there is Faiz who doesn't talk to me much but when he has the chance to, he would, be it in the classroom or in the exam hall, and always managed to make me smile.

there is Daniel who came over and talked to me for a bit when he saw me studying alone at Mccafe, who was there on my worst night ever, who came over and talked to me in the madness, who made the night a few times more bearable.

there is Jiayao who noticed me alone and invited me to sit with them during recess, who always has something to say which can make me snicker to myself, for talking with me about guys and girls, for asking me how i am at random times in school.

there is Rayner whom i always called whenever i wanted to smoke but always didn't allow me to. who brought me around on the back of the bike instead, who got disappointed with me because i wasn't trying hard enough, who always had random stories to share with me.

there is Jingyu who reached out to me, who pulled me up onto the surface where everyone else was. whom i shared stories with, who made me focus when we were studying and yet still able to make me laugh, who made me smile a few times here and there in class.

last but not least, there are those who were there for me, for as long as i can remember.
but are no longer in my life anymore, now.

there is Mayang who made me forget all that i was going through just by being there for me, who was always annoying me just to get my mind off things. who thought of me, despite being busy, despite being there for me lesser and lesser because of her poly life.

there is Farizah who gave me encouragement to continue studying hard, to never give up on my studies, to focus and be committed when i said i'd wanted to quit. who told me not to cry on the day of our Mother Tongue O Level results.

there is Sabrina who gave me a surprise visit on my birthday, who still gave me presents although i already told her i was not part of her life anymore. whose birthday card made me cry, who was there for me, although i never appreciated her presence.

there is Priscilla whose response gave me the thought to continue trying when i told her i'd wanted to give up.  who gave me a heart-shaped paper clip when she saw me look at it, who pasted post-it notes on my notebooks telling me to do my best.

there is Shushan whom i told the reasons why i'd left the clique, who made me seem stupid with the response she gave to that, who went out with me and treated me like a normal friend and not someone who had left her hanging in the past.

there is Asleah who was always there to make me laugh, whom i reminisced past memories with, memories that could have made me cry but i laughed instead because of the way she talked about it.

there is Pearl who asked what happened when i got dumped, whose sleeves i had cried and wiped my tears on when i cried about the boy.

there is Timothy who was there when i was learning how to cycle, whom i had a terrible crash with and still smiled, whom i talked nonsense with, using stupid metaphors, who was always there, with that smile, til i told him to fuck off.

there is Siying who had to watch me fall, who did try to pick me up but i pushed her away, hard, to the extent that she wasn't gonna try anymore. who had been my best friend, at the beginning of 2012, but not, at the end.

there is Irshad who was there to comfort me about the New Year when 2012 first came, whom i scared and disappointed again and again, who still made time for me no matter how busy he was, who was there when i was horribly sick, who cried for me that one night. and whom i'd been crying for, the whole year, when he left.

____

my apologies if i had missed out some people, though i did try my best to remember everyone who had ever made me smile this year. this was a bit lengthy i know, but there you go: the hands which had shaped my 2012.

thank you too whoever you are, for reading my blog, if you always have. i know i haven't been blogging much, or anything intelligent lately. but still i do appreciate your visit.

so what about you, who made your year? was i one of them? if so, you know my number (9855); if i had made you smile with a paragraph dedicated to you, text me, to return the favour.

honestly though, if i could go back to January, i would; i'd do my best to make sure whatever's happening now wouldn't have had the chance to see the light.

First day at Fish & Co.

yes, i know i haven't been blogging much this month. yes, i know nobody noticed and yes, i know nobody gives a shit. but anyway, here i am, and i shall now share with you what i've been up to.

i had my first day of work two days ago, and Shushan was sweet enough to have donuts with me before sending me off. she passed me on to Rayner who fetched me from the foot of the restaurant and brought me along for his smoke break.

upon walking in through that back door of Fish & Co, the first thing that greeted me was the shrieking of my name, from none other than Amirah! i wouldn't have guessed her to be working there too, not at all.

anyway, i changed into the uniform and wore my glasses, the latter because why the fuck not. the supervisor brought me around the kitchen to show me where things went and who everyone was. my first task, this i still remember so clearly, was to cut peppers.

okay, so the people there were very welcoming and friendly enough, and having Rayner and Edmund there made it ten times better too, because somehow i felt more open in their presence. probably because of their familiarity, idk, but yeah.

they all made me feel welcome, and were very patient with me, though i kept screwing up. Rayner was teaching me with the batter stuff, but he seemed taken aback when i said i wanted to try.

so he told me, "grip the fish with both your fingers, very tightly," and i actually asked, "why?" when i took it from him, the answer to my question came in the form of the raw fish fillet slipping through my grasp.

it was all fun though, as busy as it was. i changed my shoes halfway and was pretty much sliding here and there across the kitchen!

wait, i didn't quite catch the name of this guy but i shall address him as Shifu here because Rayner was calling him that. well this Shifu kept reminding me that he doesn't owe me any money, and Rayner was laughing at that the whole time. "what he meant is, you should smile more!" he said.

yes, i get that a lot. back at Explorer Kids, i was always being called to the office to be reprimanded about my smile, or, my lack of it. and during my interview at Times, too; the interviewer said the first thing she noticed about me was that i don't smile.

anyway, closing soon came and we were all cleaning and stuff, when Rayner told me to follow them "throw rubbish", to disguise a self-declared smoke break. and that was the epilogue for the day; us sitting aligned at the basement and smoking away.

o and Nick really liked the Christmas present i got him; an engraved lighter. as silly as it sounds, i had Niccy J embossed onto it because that is what i call him.

i know it's like encouragement for him to smoke, but i really couldn't think of anything else that he would use. and he seemed to really like it.

so i missed the last bus on the way home, and was stuck at Paya Lebar MRT station. i was across the road and didn't know my way through underground to get to the right bus stop, and i made a rash decision to walk all the way back home from there.

halfway through my aunt called and told me to get a cab though, so there.

spent yesterday at Pasir Ris with Shushan, from Loyang Point to Giant/Ikea to Central. we talked here and there, and surprisingly she said she prefer the current me than the 2011 me. according to her i seem happier now.

i don't have anything intelligent or interesting to share with you now. even if something comes to mind, i don't want to drag this post too long.

so anyway, this is for Khairul Azhar. you know, i'm glad to have met someone who likes Pokemon and Trivium too, like i do, and who appreciates my liking for the former too. because who likes Pokemon these days?

and for you to like me because of this passion for Pokemon; idk, it seems so unbelievable.

but we've only known each other for a while, and i don't know you much, as well as vice versa. the latter disturbs me more; when you do know about me, you'll run away. i like how we have some things in common but i don't want to become too attached to you before you know how i'm really like.

that's all i can say, but still, thanks for wanting to be my friend. though we shall see how long more that will last.

My worst night ever.

so my last few days have been insane, as every other weekend has always been. i've got to share with you my Saturday though, because that night was totally the worst night i've ever had.

Saturday night (L), Sunday (R).

i was already dreading it as you could see in the previous post, which i had written before making my way to Kak Siti's house prior to the dinner.

my uncles drove me there, and i told them about how i knew this was gonna be one horrible night because of my social awkwardness and blablabla.

when we got to Kak Siti's house, everything seemed strange and i thought i had walked in on the wrong house! i immediately dashed out back to my uncle's car, but that was when i heard Kak Siti calling out to me.

we went to her room where Nadia was, and that was when i knew i was so not looking forward to this dinner.

we took a cab to the country club where the dinner was, had lunch there first, which everyone left halfway to do more preparation for the dinner, leaving me literally dangling my legs while they were rushing here and there.

i didn't want to sit there any longer, cause it'd be like what the hell why isn't she doing anything, but when i asked around if anyone needed help they all said they were good.

and then came the time where we had to get ready, which was fine at first because we were all talking and laughing [me and the other bridesmaids] but then i started to feel so low because they were all busy preparing but also had to help me with my makeup and shit.

i don't know, i really felt so useless already. and i kept laughing when they were helping me with my makeup, which i was afraid would piss them off a lot more, o gosh.

the walk in was okay, i wasn't stumbling upon my heels thank goodness, and i was smiling all the way. but when we got to our tables afterwards, everything just went downhill.

i was really there only because i was so-called "representing" my uncle, who is Kak Siti's father, while the rest of the guests at that dinner were friends and relatives of her mother and stepfather. there was nobody i knew, nobody i could talk to.

Daniel and Zharfan happened to be working there, and the former came over and talked to me for a bit, which made the thing a little bit more bearable. by then everyone else was up and dancing away, and i really mean dancing, you know how angmohs really knew how to party and shit.

and being the socially awkward piplup i was, i couldn't join them in that, no i can't. so i just sat in the corner, playing with my phone, tweeting for someone, anyone, to come rescue me; my classmates especially, how i wanted them so much at that moment.

i kept thinking everyone was judging me, for my every little move. i kept thinking everyone was looking at me, asking each other why the hell is she here.

i really felt like there was absolutely no need for me to be there. and you all already know how bad my self conscious shit is; i really wanted to cry right there.

you won't really know how i feel, but really. i didn't see a need in my being there. at first i was blaming myself for being so unsociable. but later on i started blaming Kak Siti, for inviting me to this dinner, for letting me get outnumbered by the members of her current family, while here i was the only one from the family of the biological father.

called my aunt to fetch me from there, telling her i was super upset, and when i was finally in the car, around nearly 11, my uncle said: "we managed to rescue the damsel in distress." and that was when i let go of my tears. and cry i did, like a little girl.

i told them fragments of my feelings that evening, and i really couldn't stop crying; my voice is really so horrible when i'm crying.

when i got to Pasir Ris, i immediately went to my cupboard and hid inside, crying my eyes out. i kept thinking about how i had practically suffered for the dinner, and i cried and cried. i was bawling like a baby.

my grandma found me and asked what was wrong but i wouldn't tell her, til she had to call my aunt to ask what was wrong. when she hung up, she told me to not to cry or else she would start to, too.

still, i was so upset, almost traumatised, and i couldn't stop stuffing myself with Hello Pandas. one after another, with tears and snot all over my chin.

texted my best friend Niccy J, and, well, that was a good end to that night.

started off Sunday with really puffy eyes, which made me feel and look so exhausted. my right eye seemed to have gotten another infection, but i went through the last lap of Kak Siti's wedding and ended the day back here at my home where my six crazy cats are.

spent yesterday going to Tamp to buy christmas presents, after fetching Shushan from her workplace. i thought i was gonna meet Nic afterwards but turned out, he couldn't go out. truth be told i dressed myself up a little, with my lacey collared top, cause i thought we were gonna meet.

anyway, i really love what i got for him! i could have gotten one for myself too if it wasn't so expensive.

split with Shushan, and went to meet Jiayao for a while. he helped me to buy cigarettes and i had a good smoke with him, and sharing a few of our feelings, shit like that.

so yes, i suppose that was how my weekend was. it's Christmas, and fuck me for being so excited about this when i don't even remember when is Nabi Muhammad's birthday.

and Tumblr is full of Ice-Type Pokemon!

okay, i shall make my way now. i'm gonna start at work on Thursday! i'll have to get myself safety shoes prior to that, and spectacle hooks so my glasses wouldn't drop off. will be surrounded by fire... best!

Castles, coffins, and Christmas.

would you rather be buried in a coffin , or a castle, made of your sins? i don't know why i suddenly thought of this, but it's a question i think is worth thinking about. [if you love cheem metaphors as much as i do]

i've thought about it of course, but i don't have an answer. both has its own perks and urghs. the coffin means you're already laid to rest; but to be buried with your sins doesn't guarantee the peace that comes with that.

as you lay there, remembering all the wrong you'd done, wishing again and again that you could get out again and undo all those. or the enemies you had made, their hatred and resent surrounding you all around.

as for the castle, it means wealth and luxury and an easy life; your sins all around you as a reminder to repent, but does that mean you really would? your luxury could lead to your complacency, telling you that you don't need to undo your wrongs because you won't gain anything more from it.

i guess that's my answer to this question of mine. if you be like what the fuck , well i told you already, whatever i say has many different meanings so you can always just extract your own from it. as long as they make close enough sense, that's fine.

anyway... i have a dinner going on later, and i have to wear this gorgeous lace dress from H&M, stockings from New Look, and heels from Payless, yes, heels my precious Axes. or wedges. whatever the firetruck they are called.

Maizurah and family is here too, sleeping over at Pasir Ris. they're going shopping at Bugis now, without ME! because of this dinner, o wells.

problems of a formal dinner; 1. i am a socially awkward piplup. 2. i don't have excellent dining etiquette. or, to suit my level instead: table manners. 3. that paranoid feeling that someone's looking at you and judging your every move.

i lack a whole lot of confidence, don't i? i know that is the big problem, but i never do anything about it. o wells. o barrels.

anyway, Christmas is coming and i'm gonna go shopping for presents soon, i hope. for the few good friends i have. and for myself maybe. cause t'is the season to be jolly! says the grumpy cat.

okay whatever, i shall blog more soon. so how, coffin or castle for you?

If you noticed my absence.

my apologies for not blogging the past few days, if anyone even noticed or gave a shit. my blog is so unpopular within my country, i know. but you can't imagine the support i have from outside Singapore, beginning with those people on Tumblr.

that's not gonna be the main point of this post, though, so let's dismiss that. it's my second morning back here in Pasir Ris; the place they told me to call "home".

my cousin's wedding is going on for the next few days, that's why i'm here. at least my granny is here too, which makes it a little more bearable.

yesterday i'd gone for a job interview at the airport, and the supervisor was really nice, although there were a few signs of potential communication problems. and it's F&B; something which i'd sworn never to take. but it's worth a try.

next week i'll have to go Bugis for another job-related meeting, that i discovered while instashopping. this one is also something i've never done before, which is a sort of promoting thingy? hooboy.

Times never called me; or maybe they did, but will always remain lain in the coffin of missed calls.

i've also been considering working back at Explorer Kids after all. although the people there have changed, and i'd forgotten how to do some things, or the ghosts of the memories still linger here and there; i really need the money.

and it's great to be damn busy, so i can get my mind off things.

jobs aside. it feels strange to wake up and walk to the bathroom without petting any cats on the way. i miss my three musketeers the most, Halia, Tilda and Tanda! they're biological siblings too, same birth mother.

a little fact i'd read once, female cats can still get pregnant when they already are, by different male cats, that's why a litter may sometimes consist of different coloured kittens. so the three musketeers might have different fathers although they share the same mother.

alright, everyone's getting kind of busy, maybe i should make myself seem so as well. we're expecting guests, i heard. and then we're going over to Buona Vista again later on.

i just want to go back home soon.

Crazy cats and an idiot dog.

it's my twelfth night here at Guilley, and i've probably gotten used to everything here, the lifestyle, the routines, everyone here.

i do dream about the house back in Pasir Ris, but i don't miss it. i do wish i can see my younger brother, though, because i miss irritating him.

that said, i have six crazy cats here that i can irritate too, as well as vice versa. you have no idea how i love being in their presence no matter what they do.

especially when they're playing catching, they'll always crash into me i tell you. and even when they're sleeping, they'll always entertain me back when i wake them up.

they're all unique, all strange behaviours, and just weird. they can make you laugh so easily without even trying, just by being themselves!

i'm done babbling happily about them, for now, because i'm actually here to tell you a story which pretty much saddened me. and angered too, actually.

my aunt's workplace has lots of stray cats and she's always been feeding them. there's this one particular cat who is really swift, and she's always managed to escape the hands of the spca. but just recently she got pregnant, and her speed has declined because of that and she could hardly run.

my aunt says this cat, no matter how hungry she was for food, would always beg my aunt for love and attention first. only after my aunt pets or strokes her would she finally eat her food.

so earlier on she saw how a huge dog had escaped from its owner, and had entered the territory of my aunt's workplace. all the cats managed to run from it of course, but that pregnant cat wasn't so lucky.

the dog got to it, and my aunt was yelling from afar, its owner just watching, uselessly calling to its pet. by the time the dog went off, the cat was bleeding at her neck.

she died in my aunt's arms.

the dog's owner saw everything but the only thing he could say was he did train his dog well, he didn't know why it went berserk like that. that's a lousy excuse; if the dog is trained that well why didn't it answer to its owner's calls?

hearing my aunt tell this just made me hate dogs all the more. i had my own traumatic experiences with canines before too, but this story is just... sigh.

that's all i have to say for this, but just saying; as much as i love cats and detest dogs, i'd always preferred canines to felines in the Pokemon world. especially Arcanine.

bye. see you when i see you! blog when i blog.

Erewhile.

greetings. it's my ninth morning here at Guilley, i think? my apologies for not blogging yesterday, if you even noticed. i don't have any plans for today, as always i guess, so i shall now share with you my past few days.

my granny and i went back to the house at PR on Wednesday, to take more of my things which i had left behind, due to the rush when i got kicked out.

Mother was there, and so were my brothers. she and the older didn't give a shit about my reappearance as always, but the little one did. he hugged me when he saw me, and i'd wanted to cry but i shrugged it off.

headed to my bedroom, and saw that all my clothes had been stuffed into garbage bags. do you know how it feels? and you know me, a million possibilities would run through my head because of that.

so granny and i rummaged through to look for clothes to bring over back to Guilley. it was a mess, but i'm glad that none of my books or diaries were touched; if the latter ever were, i won't forgive any of them.

speaking of clothes, i've been blogshopping [or more like window blogshopping since i've never bought anything] on instagram, and damn, there were a dozen apparels which i really liked. these are a few, and if you would notice, most of them are knitted pullovers, because that is what i like.

rah i want more knitted pullovers, or anything long-sleeved!! there is truly #NoLoveForLongSleeves these days (': and also, look at these lace dresses, i find them so totally sweet.

and then yesterday i went shopping with Kak Siti again, this time for shoes. cause we all know that i don't own a single pair of decent heels.

we went to Tamp, and upon arriving she suddenly told me to stop smoking, and i was like, "how did you know?". she wouldn't tell me, but the only way she could have known was by reading my blog, so, hiiii.

anyway, we went to the Payless cause i told her about it, and i was showing her lots of really nice shoes with stick thin heels, til eventually she was like, "i think you'd better get wedges. cause i'm scared you'll fall."

i definitely would! and not a very pretty sight at your cousin's wedding, isn't it, so i began looking at wedges thingys. but the ones i picked out were, to her, either too informal or too "boot-y".

we also walked around the three malls, only to get back at Payless some eons later to go for a few more rounds down and around the aisles. in the end we got three pairs of shoes for only eighty bucks, would you believe it :D

bought kfc and made our way back. had my longing satisfied. 5tr444444

well, that's all i have to say for now i suppose. i don't have anything intelligent to say. as always. but damn, i need a job, because i want to get more clothes for myself. [i still have a bunch of popular vouchers so we can use that for books, and there's also the library, so yeah]

ok, see you when i see you. thanks for taking the time to read this, mua.

who doesn't like Trivium right? o, right: most of the people my age.

Nick of time.

i feel like giving up already, before i've even started. i always make decisions on impulse, it seems. why did i decide to repent without considering whether i really am sincere about it? why did i decide to move on when i know i would still be affected by the past?

call this running away if you must, because it is. i found out that i still havent gotten over the younger twin, and so i decide to run away from this.

i told you i'd be trouble. i understand if you don't trust me anymore because of this, for i myself dont trust me either.

i had this dream where he came back. like i'd always had, i'm clinging on to it with hopes that it would be reality someday. i don't think i'm letting go anytime soon; i may be weak for not moving on, but i think my holding on is a sign of strength.

don't bother fighting for me because it's not gonna be worth it.

p.s. shall blog about my past few days tomorrow.

Grant me this spotlight.

yes, i know i haven't been talking with you much lately. yes, i know i seldom blog or mention you anywhere. but think about it, does that really mean i don't care for you?

i did go up to you and asked what was wrong. isn't that better proof that i do care about you? what do some tweets or a blog post have on that? it's good enough that i want to care about you.

it's not my fault that you don't want to tell me what's wrong. i understand that you don't want to talk about it. you know what pissed me off the most? it's when you said i was more "curious" than "concerned". really, if i don't give a shit, i won't give a single shit.

woke up with a shock because i was supposed to get ready for the trip to the pet clinic. Tilda was really mad at all of us, and even more so when we were feeding her medicine.

so i was camwhoring with myself when Halia just came at me and started kissing me all over. i have no idea what he wanted!! he kept nuzzling himself onto my face, and it got pretty annoying eventually, though i laughed.

i just gave him a jumpscare on purpose, and he got so shocked til he hissed at me. XD you know the more i stare at all the cats here, the more i really think they're all nuts. i can laugh my head off just by standing in the middle of the hall and looking around at all of them.

so currently i've nothing interesting or intelligent to blog about. i'm here staring at this post, wondering whether to publish now or to wait for more stuff to happen so i can blog about my entire day at one shot.

or maybe i shall now post pictures of myself. my schoolmate Alisya [or ex, since i'm already leaving the school already] told me last night that i iz pretty, which made me cringe but so blissful at the same time.

and then she said that she is Solitary Author's #1 fan. ahh.... i love it when people dare admit that they read my blog, really. i get a lot of pageviews in one day but nothing makes me feel happier than having someone tell me that they read it.

Azreenie also reads my blog on a regular basis; it's like her newspaper, apparently. i love it when she quotes some lines from my blog on her Twitter, and i love it more when they get retweets.

i don't know la eh, but it'd be nice if my blog gets more recognition. i'm gonna be honest here, but when i tweeted about the "pretty girls stop writing cause that's all i have" thing, i was referring to naomi neo. it's like, yes, everyone thinks she's pretty, everyone's commending her looks all the time, liking her photos and whatever not.

and me? i'm far from that. writing is really all i have. blogging. so i'd like to have that spotlight, since other people have other things to gain recognition from.

writing out my stories, the things i've been going through, i don't know if they may seem attention-seeking to you or not. but it's all i know; to turn my pain into inspiration. it's what i look at as turning a weakness into a strength.

am i making sense? or am i gonna be deemed silly? either way, this is just what i feel.

p.s. i love my Axes. every single one of you.

Repent.

woke up to two good morning texts from two different people, which really surprised me. how long have i woken up knowing he was no longer mine, knowing my phone would be empty of notifications, a reminder that no one in the distance thought of me upon waking up.

i followed my aunt to Geylang Serai today, to do a little more of grocery shopping. first item on the list was ikan pari for the picky kitties. after we got all the market stuff, we headed to Joo Chiat where there was this little corner bookstore which i had never noticed before.

i checked out the novels first, since i've never seen so many Malay ones before. they had attractive enough summaries but i decided against it because there would surely be a dozen words which i wouldn't have heard of.

went over to where my aunt was, and there were plenty of books about Islam... i remember Syamirul having mentioned this before.

the keyword was "Taubat", but i couldnt find any decent ones. i remember seeing this book called "pintu taubat masih dibuka", something like that, from somewhere. either a movie or a dream, but i couldn't find anything like that too.

in the end, something caught my eye. but i didnt know what it meant so i asked my aunt, and her voice dropped when she answered. it's what comes and gets me in my death, she says. or something like that?

i dont know if the way she explained it had been subsidised on purpose just so a noob like me would understand better, but yeah. i get the hang of it, flipped through, and decided that it was what i'd get.

three bucks only by the way. 

i started texting Blue about it cause i was suddenly excited to change. yes, if you were to remember this post;  the path of Blue is actually the choice of Repent. i've no opposition word for the path of Black though, maybe Regret?

there were plenty of reasons as to why i'd made this choice, but the main reason was definitely my granny.

the second night of S11, she had called me numerous times but i didnt answer til i turned off my phone. the day i left Pasir ris, i heard Father talking to her over the phone while i was packing, telling her he'd had enough of me and blablabla.

"Mak nak sangat jaga dia, mak jaga dia. E'esa dah tak kuasa lagi nak tengok muka dia lah. biar mak jaga dia baru mak tau berapa jahat dia punya perangai." some shit like that, blablabla.

right after, she called me again and again, numerous times. i didnt answer. when my aunt called me, i did answer though, and she told me to go over. so i took the train, and i did.

upon reaching here, i beri salam. there was no answer. again and again, "Assalamualaikum," but there was no response. i called her on her phone just as much, but there was also no answer. i knew she was alone at home, she always was around that time.

i got really scared. i was already so fragile, i started crying non stop, i was so scared something happened to her. and i actually prayed to Allah, something i have not done enough of all my life.

tadah, my granny came out the door and was casually like, o HEY! she was in the toilet, that was all...

the next reason was more simpler, it was cause i overheard her talking on the phone with my aunt, telling her that she wanted to teach me how to solat and ngaji. [i seem to eavesdrop on adults' conversations a lot don't i] so yes, my granny is the main reason.

so, no tattoo for me. no more sinning for me. no more Black.

oh, i got so damn pissed with that damn barrel when i asked Syamirul more questions about the amalan thing. well fuckity fuck, who would have thought! grr.

i'm thankful for Syamirul; i told you already, i treasure the friendship with this guy, though i dont know why he so readily helps me all the time, and believes in me so. i'm glad he did though.

if there was ever one person in my life that i never regretted meeting, it has to be Syamirul.

so yes, my dear Axes, hiiii. i'm ready to change, to walk the path of Repent. because, i am a Muslim. i wouldn't be the most perfect role leader in society or whatever. but the least i wanna be is enough of a role model for my future children and grandchildren, so they would not end up like me.

but seriously though, how can you not like red eyes?

S11 night 2 and beyond.

so right after my previous post [which has been eons ago now] the chaos immediately rose to the height of a tower. [sorry for the cheem metaphor ah] you couldn't imagine.

sorry for low quality and lack of pictures k!!!

first was the thing about the glass, followed by the addictive silly games, skating/cycling, and then the shogunshadshit.

Asleah went off with a bike and i followed with Faiz's skateboard, and i think i actually got the hang of it. i just got so pissed off cos i still didn't know how to change direction. and a couple of times i fell off and the board went flying to some of the parked cars! good thing no alarm went off!

and then there was the music tempo ready go which i played with Shushan, Nabilah, Fazerah and Farhan. not only was it super addictive but the people made it so much funnier! i couldnt breathe at one point of time cause i was laughing so hard.

so when the laughter and chaos died down for a while, i went to the next chalet and called Black. he answered, but oddly i found myself at a loss of words. i asked where was he, and when he said he was at home, all i could say was, "don't hang up." but he did.

i have no idea what the hell was that ten seconds all about. afterwards i got tired and decided to leave the chalet. Faeez gave me a parting gift in the form of a cigarette. and i've no idea why but then i decided not to go back to my house at all.

and so i put on my earpiece and played my playlist titled "I", and yes i went to his fucking void deck. i walked the exact path which we had walked on the very last time we hung out. and you bet i started getting all emotional.

lit up Faeez's cigarette, and when that was done, i decided that heck it, i'm gonna smoke my own now. sorry, but all along i did have my own pack..

one stick after another; one memory after the other. tried not to remember; times that could've been forever.

the memories played out right in front of me, even those from all the way back in 2009. i dont know if it was a hallucination or not, but every time i smoked that much i'd see the younger twin you know.

i dont know what the hell i was doing there. once again, i was waiting, knowing that nobody would ever come. a dozen cigarette butts sat at my feet, ashes blowing in the slight wind. there were cats in the distance but i didnt want them near me, and neither did they.

as crazy as it sounds, i'd wanted to go up to his unit and freaking toss my lighter at the gate. just so he could see the 109 written on it and freak out or some shit. i dont know what put me against it in the end.

so then... i decided to make my way back to the chalet. by then it was around half past 12, about? when i arrived, Chengyong and Nicholas were playing with the chalet cat, and i decided to sit there and watch them.

we all played the game where we had to get 24, whose name i don't really know. i was really slow at first, but eventually there was one turn where i was the only one who got the answer. that made me happy actually :D

some people surrendered to slumber, excluding me of course. staying up with friends was a lot more fun than staying up on my own, definitely. Wanxuan, Chengyong, Cedric, Weiliat, Daniel Mustafa stayed up too, and Nicholas who woke up and couldnt sleep back.

moved from writing in my diary to talking with Nick, and it made me feel better. talked about myself mostly, my apologies for that. i missed him a lot, he was a very good friend of mine til i fucked up back in August or somewhere. heh. he was the one who taught me how to cycle :3

so anyway, watching Cedric and Chengyong so hyper made me smile a lot, and then Zikri came out and tossed Mentos over the wall, which started an entire new game.

i dont know where to begin to describe those minutes of tossing [them] and laughing [me]. o gosh, i really agree that being in the company of people like them is so much better than being alone in the wee hours.

yes, we all stayed up til the sun came out, and as much as i loved it, it was really killing me! it was a good bonding time with them, though.

and i went off for a walk a little before the sun rose high, and i liked what i saw. against the sun rising, there were these two ladies on a motorbike riding through the carpark, and a DOZEN chalet cats following behind them. such a pretty and happy sight!

i actually laughed to myself. and the lady who wasn't driving looked at me and actually smiled back at me. that was such a good start to the day.

but of course, everytime something starts off beautiful, it will end up otherwise.

you get to your house at ten in the morning, and as always, the emptiness is what greets you. you had wanted to take a shower, but the mistake of falling into bed entitles you to immediate slumber.

you wake up to the violent banging of your bedroom door, which you had locked earlier. you hear your father's voice shouting your name, rattling the doorknob non-stop. when you open the door, he immediately lashes out his anger at you.

you fall to the floor, and keep screaming for him to stop hitting you. remember when mommy used to hit you all the time for nothing? the painful childhood memories flash into your head. you badly don't want to suffer the same as a teenager..

your father pulls you up and screams at you to pack your bags. he's kicking you out of the house, and this time it seems a lot more serious. he wants not to see your face or he'll beat you to death, he says.

you really want to intimidate him, see if he dares, but you decide not to.

he sees your Nikes on your bedroom floor and takes them, yelling that you don't deserve to keep whatever he'd ever given to you. you want him to take your life as well, because it is what he's also given you. at that second you so badly want to die in the hands of your parents.

no bueno! your favourite Youtuber's voice rings in your head suddenly. you decide to take it as your power source, and you suck up your tears, grab a few things, shove them into your bag. and you take out a beaten pair of sneakers from your cupboard. one of them was a little tight but they were better than nothing.

you go to the toilet, stare at your cutting object from a distance. and you... you take it.

you shove past your father, who was shouting at your brothers never to have contact with you anymore. he has taken your house keys too. fine, whatever. he slams the door, and you, you play with your lighter again and again, toying with the idea of arson.

you're angry at how your older brother was there all along just watching and doing nothing to save you. but you think of your innocent younger brother, scared and helpless, and walk away instead.

____

okay sorry i'm done for now, i'm super lazy already! but yes, if you are wondering where i am, it is none other than my aunt's place. imma stay away from Pasir Ris for now okay, so... see you when i see you.

shall blog again when i feel like it. and yes, just so you know, Pewdiepie is one of the things in life which keeps me going. you've no idea how much a Youtuber can save your life, until you go through the feeling.

Chaos at S11.

cant go any longer without unleashing my thoughts! and since i aint able to write in my diary [nothing personal]  i shall blog instead. thank goodness i brought my laptop along, cos no matter what, i still [refer typing on this keyboard. and the Blogger app sucks anw.

so yes, am currently at none other than my class chalet. i feel something in my nose! i think it's the coal, since i'm sitting considerably close to the bbq pit. Edmund is fanning at the fire while Fazerah and Nicholas are watching.

maybe i should now blog about yesterday, since it's only evening for today and i wouldn't have a lot to say. okay, i am ranting. i always do when i am in the company of humans. idk. okay, let's cut the crap and get to the bullshit.

it was silent when i came actually, with only three people in the chalet, but eventually more people came back and things got a lot more chaotic. saw many people whom i've not talked to for a really long time, ever since O levels.

so, what funny things happened yesterday? i remember laughing a lot but now i can't remember much of the reasons anymore.

i played this card game whose name i'm not so sure of, and which rules i still don't understand. Jiayao helped me a lot so i still didn't get how to play it, my bad.

we all played another game which i did understand though, and which i really enjoyed, the thumb thingy. k that was rather addictive, i must say. i wonder who could have came up with such games?

so Wanxuan volunteered to break the large pieces of charcoal and as always she was rather unneededly rough about it. i heard Nicholas say, "violent Wanxuan is violent." i dont know why but the way he said it made me burst into laughter XD

i liked that little scene of Wanxuan struggling with the fire and all, while a lot of us just sat there watching her in silence. i thought it was cute!

i love my classmates. that is all i can say right now. watching them from here, watching them all doing their own stupid little things... i don't know, it makes me so happy just being here.

so i smoked yesterday, and went to bed afterwards when suddenly had this urge to vomit. so i ran to the toilet but Jingyu saw me and asked me if i was okay. she and Jiayao were there, and she gave me some plain water to drink. so sweet (':


had a talk with them both later on, about the younger twin's trail of gasoline. [that's what i used to call the after-effects of my break-up with Irshad]

i know what they said is true, and i've known that for very long already. but i just dont know why i hadnt been able to maintain that knowledge, blabla. it's like yes, you understand what the teacher is saying. but you still don't know how to answer the more complicated questions.


entah eh, i feel so comfortable talking with these two you know. but i thought i found myself somewhat stumbling over my words, cos i didnt really know how to explain it by bits.

ugh, flies all over my computer screen. and there were cockroaches around the area where i am sitting at right now yesterday, so... yeah.

i have developed a liking for the chalet cat, but i haven't brought any cat food for it. perhaps soon i might just drop by randomly and give it food {:

o yes, i talked with Faiz tarmizi yesterday too, about our lives, since we really haven't been talking much ever since we split paths after N levels. i'd seen him around, but we never managed to talk and catch up. you know?

aaaah, i love how my fingers just fly over the letters naturally. heh. i'm just typing out whatever comes into my head, you know? though i might sidetrack from the main topic anytime soon.

i love my classmates. i do wish i still record the things that happen and shit. but i erased that role from my play a long time ago, and there is no chance for me to reenact that memory anymore. it's all myself.

o, and i read that someone wrote that she is not coming to this "stupid chalet" because "most of the people here are just stupid". i saw it on my dashboard so i couldnt help reading it, and it pissed me off. but fine, it's her loss.

and i think the craziness and hype and "stupidity" of our classmates are what make class reunions super memorable.

i have a lot more things to say to you actually, but this is not the appropriate post. so, nevermind.

i just switched places and am currently at the pool with Shushan, Sabrina and Farizah, watching Priscilla, Asleah and Ruiyi swimming. i should have brought extra clothes, i would really love to swim!

aaahhh i have a lot of things on my thoughts to say right now, but i really think this is absolutely the most inappropriate post ever. so for now, i shall say once again that i love my classmates a lot. every single one of them, for who they are.

oh my gosh here comes qianying and phyllis. i've not seen them for such a long time!

am feeding the chalet cat! i have no idea what to name her. okay i shall get back to you very soon, it's getting annoying to update this post each time something happens. might as well blog one shot tonight. ok blablabla i shall set off now, mua.

Woe is me.

woe is me, woe is me.
still not talking with mummy.
work has long consumed my daddy.
brothers too busy with PS3.

woe is me, woe is me.
it's been raining heavily.
the cold kills me, slowly but surely.
still shivering beneath my blankie.

woe is me, woe is me.
no new videos from the damn Pewdie.
still can't play FireRed or Ruby.
can't go out due to lack of money.

woe is me, woe is me.
nothing nice to drink or eat.
nothing nice to reblog or retweet.
nobody new to meet or greet.

woe is me, woe is me.
i'm running out of rhyming words.
no more lines to toss and hurl.
nothing intelligent for my readers.

woe is me, woe is me.
nothing but boredom filled my today.
still never an interesting monday.
what about you, how was your day?

yes, today was a really boring day. my brothers have been hogging the PS3 anyway! so i can't play that! yes i did read and write a lot, but nope, it did not cure my boredom.

so tomorrow... is my class chalet! eeek. i'm totally broke, but i really want to buy them some Hello Pandas. i guess i'll have to borrow some moolah from any one of my brothers then, i suppose.

i can't wait to see my classmates.

okay, spill. does anyone know any blogshops that sell a decent collection of long-sleeved tops? i am desperate for this, cause i find it difficult to find such tops these days. maybe cause it's not the style, or maybe cause of Singapore's weather. i dont know. but yes, i am desperate.

i guess that's it for now. woe is me, woe is me.

Why i was awake all night.

good afternoon my Axes. if you ever realised, my posts have always been published at night so it might seem a little odd for me to be blogging at this time of day. am currently at Starbucks T3 with none other than Shushan, just chilling here with our laptops and stuff.

i have a terrible sore throat which pain is unlike any other. you can't imagine how painful it is for me to talk or to sneeze. even swallowing my saliva is such a feat. Shushan got me to buy this kinda special water which supposedly cures such aches magically called Three Leg. or something.

we came to Starbucks because of a promotion thingy, cause this outlet is newly opened. purchase any food item and get a free coffee, the flyer said. so yes, i got a blueberry muffin [been craving that for eons now] and a complimentary coffee, on the house.

the truth is, i've never drank coffee before, and certainly not some posh coffee from some posh little cafe at the airport, no. i just got it because it's free, and if i wanted to get some other drink i'd have to pay more. so yupp, being the E'indah that i am, i just got the coffee because... it is free.

and yes, i needed a whole lot of sugar and sweetener thingy just to have it suit my preference, and even then i still find it a little bitter. woe is me; i really don't like bitter things, i have a sweet tooth i suppose.

anyway, i have a story to share with you guys. a very random story which i hope can teach you all something.

last night, i was on my timeline when i saw this girl's tweet which got retweeted, so i decided to check out her profile, for whatever firetruck reason.

i decided to see the photos on her twitter cause she had plenty of herself, so out of curiousity i just checked them out. you know how some girls like to stalk other girls' pictures, only to have their self-esteem drop or some shit like that. to me it's like some sort of "pleasure from pain" shit. [to me]

so blablabla, i was like randomly looking through all the photos, thinking that she was pretty and all but the way she made herself in the photos were not really flattering her so much, when i saw this picture of a Sadako, or a ghost that looked like the one from The Ring.

it said "RT or this will come get you tonight". i know it was silly, but i got really scared in addition to the jumpscare that the picture itself gave me, but i didn't want to retweet it cause then that girl would know i had been stalking her twitter, and i ain't even following her. you know that feeling of being somewhere you're not, so you really don't want to leave any of your footprints behind?

i decided to shut down and try to go back to sleep. and then i kept thinking about whether i should have retweeted that shit or not.

so guess what, i got so paranoid and i couldn't sleep at all because i kept thinking that Sadako was gonna get me. i had my headphones on eventually cause i kept hearing odd noises which really fueled my paranoia.

back in the past, if i were to get this scared, the first thing i'd do was run to my parents' room and squeeze myself at the edge of the bed. but damn, we weren't on talking terms and i didn't want to surrender my pride, so i could only stay in my room.

and yes, all my brain could think of was freaking Sadako and all the other scary things that would most probably attack you in the middle of the night.

i really didn't sleep much last night/this morning; only did when the sun came out, around 7am.

so, moral of the story? don't stalk people.

you know something strange about me? i think i tend to sleep better upside down, as in my head is at the foot of the bed and my feet by my pillows. that is what i have concluded this morning. [did you know that i can't sleep with my head on pillows? ok.]

that is how my morning has been, i suppose. how about yours?

i just went for a toilet break and the one nearest to this starbucks was on maintenance, and i had to walk a thousand miles just to get to the nearest one.

and when i was taking the lift back down to this level, the man outside kept pressing the lift button from outside when i was closing the door from inside, so the freaking elevator door kept opening and closing, you know? you know how annoying that is?

alrighty, maybe we should watch some Pewdiepie now. i spent yesterday afternoon/evening watching the Silent Hill series up to part 12.

anyway it's December yaaaaaaaayyyy!!!!!!!! no, i don't care. bye.