gastric discomfort/distension .

i think i know what the dream was tryna say, the part where i was falling off the pole.

"wrong time to be nadhie", because it was the time where i needed help, but nadhie had chosen not to have any friends.

and the fact tht i was helping to paint the ite. if i dont pick myself up now, i'm really gg to screw up my o levels. altho it's been eons since education had been the last thing on my mind.

and if i dont start gg out to film more shit, i'm just gg to remain an AVSSSer for the rest of my life.

o how i love walking, i think i wanna go to the zoo again someday, on my own. a solitary escapade. how i wish i have enough stamina to walk the country someday.

i lack backbone. in more ways than one.

hmmm, as you can see i dont have much to say right now.

i forgot to mention, during the dream i had last night/this morning, the first dream i had abt D-cube. when i was running away from him, i was really running.

like, ive never ran like tht before. i didnt stop, and i was fast. i rmb him shouting behind me, "wow, you're running really fast! wait, i just wanna talk to you!"

and the classroom scene, there was another part where we were asked to take out our holiday homework. and then the teacha said, "if those who were supposed to pass the absentees didnt pass, please pass them now."

and then everyone was chucking pieces of worksheets in my face. damn, i loved tht part. damn cute.

yes, bits and pieces will always come one by one when trying to rmb dreams.

i have got medicine for "gastric discomfort/distension" . think i shall bring it to sch tmrw.

sabrina tagged us in a clique photo from 2010. it hurts to know tht she still has hope for me, when i've alr made up my mind to leave them. part of me wants to stay with them, but then again, who is this 'me' ?

can i ask you smth ?

why are people so heartless?

isit cause they lost it? their heart, i mean. tht's why they're heartless, i guess. maybe.

i hate the fact tht here i am ruining my own life when there he is, gg on with his, so damn unaware of the pain he caused me. God. kill him alr .

then again, he's still the most handsome boy i've ever met.

tho he fucked me up real bad.

but i still love him.

i hate him .

i love him.

driven by the wrong mentality .

i dreamt of him . again. twice, this morning. God.

the first one, he was chasing me on his bike. i think he and asleah were in cahoots, i was walking with her before tht and when i started running away, she had tried to stop me as well.

i was screaming to her, "aku tanak tengok muka dia!" repeatedly, over and over again. she was screaming smth as well, and so was he. i cant rmb what she screamed, but he, he was saying smth like stop, i just want to talk to you!

in the end they had me cornered. he appeared right in front of me, and in reaction i had looked away as fast as i could so as not to meet eyes with him.

i was still screaming, and then asleah, who was behind me, was saying smth which i dont rmb, smth abt telling me to chill.

he grabbed me by my shoulders, and i just screamed all the louder. he kept saying smth, smth abt wanting to check my gastric flu.

"i just want to see how's your gastric!" smth like tht.

his voice was raising and raising, cause i still couldnt stop screaming. he shook my shoulders, and, at one point, when i was suddenly quiet, he had me lied down on this wall.

i was crying, tears were silently gg down the side of my face. he, the love of my life, he placed a hand on my tummy, just like he always used to. he asked me smth like, "is it painful?" i had nodded.

asleah was there, looking at me. next to this wall was a sorta like mirror, and i saw what i was wearing. was wearing my light blue pair of skinnies, with a pair of shoelaces as belt. i saw tht i was wearing my red specs. the Wrister girl.

when i woke up, the first thing i had thought of was the belt, believe it or not. the pair of skinnies which i was wearing, they were my most comfy pair, always had no need for a belt cause they were just right.

but i needed smth to hold them up in tht dream. i guess my dream self must have lost a lot of weight.

and the next thing i thought of was the love of my life.

the other time, i was nearly gg to blackout by the roadside cause of the gastric pain. the doc had told me to avoid milk, but tht day, i stubbornly drank milk tea on one of my stress walks.

there was tht one moment when it felt like someone had kicked me in my stomach, and i couldnt walk anymore. i didnt know who to text to come help me. i happened to be somewhere near his house, and i had texted him.

i told him my gastric area was very painful and i couldnt walk, and i told him where i was. the fool tht i was, i believed he would come. i didnt text anyone else. i just waited for him to appear.

he didnt, of course.

aft i woke up from tht dream, i texted syazie and nic abt it. then i fell back asleep. and guess what, i dreamt of him again .

we were lying down next to each other. staring to the top. at some points it was my living room ceiling, at other times it was the night sky.

like, it would be the ceiling, and then i'd look at his face next to me, and when i look up again it'll be the sky.

i dont rmb much from this dream actually. just tht, we were talking. and there was a notebook. we were taking turns writing in it. and then at one point he had gotten irritated at smth i wrote, just before he gave a sweet little laugh.

i rmb his face when he laughed.

and tht's all for the second D-cube dream.

as for the first, there were actually many other events. well, i should share with you guys, cause they're pretty interesting as well.

i was at an ITE. i heard tht they were running out of students or smth, cause nobody wanted to join ite, smth like tht?

i was roaming around the buildings, and at every level i had written a step to loving art. i rmb, at first floor, i wrote interest. second level, i wrote *snaps fingers* oh yeah, ability. and then i dont rmb.

i wrote those words, big and red, on the walls of every level. o wait, i didnt make it past the third. you see, to write the words, or more like paint, i had to stand on these two poles, where i had balanced a book as a base. if you get what i mean.

i was like painting on the third level, when the book twisted round, making it balanced only on one pole. i was like shit, i remember saying to myself, "oh God, this is the wrong time to be nadhie. wrong time to be nadhie."

i tried to twist the book back around, repeatedly muttering "wrong time to be nadhie, wrong time to be nadhie" . i failed, i lost my footing entirely, and then, i dont rmb what next.

i woke up next to mrs sherri i think. she was having her lesson, and i was waking up at a desk. there was a piece of paper under my cheek, and when i opened it up, it was a sorta like document.

there was smth like, "permission to discharge your student." and there was another handwriting on the form which had scribbled "contact lens", and a few other numbers.

i looked at mrs sherri. she had a really tired look on her face.

a crow came in and went to a desk, picking up a pencil case and starting to fly away again. the whole class started screaming shushan's name, and i saw her rushing to the crow and snatching back her pencil case.

she laughed, and the whole class did as well. someone yelled out, "why the heck does tht always happen to you?!"

another part, i was walking this lane. with my mother. she was telling me smth abt a 15-hour harry potter marathon. she said smth like, "those kind of marathons can really make the dogs of pregnant women die."

she went to the toilet, and i waited outside. we were in a sorta like shopping mall, and i saw a lot of pots and pans. saw my reflection, and i was wearing my white specs. E'indah .

aft tht, tht was when the D-cube part happened.

if you think abt the first one, the whole dream kind of referred to all three girls in my life: me, and the two other creations. and there were many mirror reflections. i think i know what it's tryna say .

as for the gastric part, and the D-cube. idk . but it gives me hope.

and as usual, i am driven by the wrong mentality.
believing so hard tht he's gonna come back.

*incomplete post*

i went to the zoo today.

when was the last time i went there? hmm you're right, i cant rmb.

so anyways. went with my family, all 4 of them . i dont usually go into details when sharing family outings, so. here are just some pics.













i bought the prettiest white tiger there ever is in the whole world! when i saw her, i knew i wanted her. her name is Courage.

apart from tht, i discovered several bruises on both my legs just a few mins ago. i have no idea where they had came from, but most probs from my little adventure ytd.

a 'click' could be the start to something new, or an end to something. there's the phrase where two ppl 'click', meaning to say they got along shortly aft they met.

it's also the sound made when closing smth, and knowing it's properly shut. like a van door. or a box. maybe tht's how the word 'clique' came from.

i dreamt of him.

again.

there was one part, he and i were facing each other. i was talking, i was angry, i rmb. and then he suddenly came right up and kissed me smack hard on the mouth. i kissed back and continued talking, but he just shut me up in the end .

so there we were, kissing the hell out of each other. bloody hell. just like those times, my wrist on the back of his neck and his palm against my cheek.

and there was another part, i was walking past this playground. i saw my precious classmates. 4/2 2011. they were having some sort of party there, and it seemed like every one of them was there.

i didnt stop by tho. when i passed them by, i saw siying coming towards me. she was saying smth like, "arent you joining us?"

i dont rmb saying anything, i just pointed to this carpark nearby. and then siying was like, "oh you want to go reminisce?" something like tht ah.

i nodded, and she nodded as well, like an understanding kind of nod. and then she vanished.

if smth bad happens, you dont always have to necessarily blame the bad thing entirely for happening. you could blame the good thing tht led to the bad thing instead.

or better still just blame God for creating you.

first thing in the morning of my bro's 12th birthday and i've alr cried my eyes out. i woke up to see my granny missing, and even her stuff were all gone. i was like firetruck, not again.

went to my mom and was like, "where's my grandma?" and she can have this bloody calm look and was like, "she's went back to guilley."

bloody hell, i almost lost it. but no, no mirror reactions. if you get what i mean. no.

talked to syazie and nic last night/this morning. seems they havent given up on me aft all. they said they're willing to like suffer (this is so not the correct word) with me. and haikal dood. he even wrote a whole diary entry for me.

i havent heard from cousie for eons. she's given up on me.

the sentence tht made me cry like shit last night:

i miss the old eindah.

tht was said from shushan. for her to say smth like tht, it means a lot. usually someone like her wouldnt really get all this shit. but even she understands tht im being someone i aint. God.

kill me alr.

maybe i should just change my blog addie. if i write here, some ppl might mistake my writing for wanting attention.

i wanna go make AVSSS now. shall bring my yashica out for the first time ever later, hehe.

12 years ago, i was too young to understand. i didnt really know why my mommy had to keep gg to the hospital. and then one day, when my granny fetched me from kindergarten, she said mommy's home alr.

i went into the room and there was a baby on my parents' bed. waving his little mittoned fists around in the air. i dont think i understood tht was my 'little brother', but my older bro and i loved him so much.

damn, there's a photo of us you know. my bro lying down and me, still in my uniform, kissing his forehead.

Winter Town.

a new empire to wear the crown.

i read this book called Winter Town. and it means a lot. it's abt this girl, who is childhood friends with this guy.

so she moved out of their hometown, and a year later she comes back to stay over at her old house for christmas. she's totally changed, she become from an innocent girl to some punk with a nose piercing and smoking habit.

just before she returns to the place where she's staying at, as in the place she lived when she moved out of her hometown, she reveals everything tht happened to her over the past year, to the guy.

she actually went back to her hometown cause she wanted to leave her past in tht new town behind, if you get what i mean.

well, the dude was like, "running away from there won't make you forget. a town's a town. the memories are all in your head. they follow you where you go, and you cant stop tht."
(these aint the exact words, but im too lazy to find the page)

so yeah.

what do we have to say?

you know, i'd like to go on a joyride one day. like, steal somebody's car and drive around despite not having any driving license. tht's smth Tht Boy would do.

currently making a vid as a tribute for Wrister and E'indah. this is all out for the both of them. their memories. still dunno whether to end the vid with Nadhie or not.

anyhoos. shall work on it now. maybe til midnight cause tmrw is my younger bro's 12th bday.

the time of my life.

so why am i so happy today?

in the morning, set off for the sengkang/punggol whatever area, with the intention of exploring. i've never been there before on my own, aft all.

wasnt a good idea, apparently. had haikal dood coming down and then he led me to this placey called punggol park. i loved it, the park is like one circle instead of a whole stretch like prp is.

and yeah, the best part? no memories.

so anyhoos, walked to the coffeeshop nearby where he got me a coke, and we sat there talking abt the least important things in our lives.

walked thru the park again, back to where we came from, aka where i saw bus 88. waited for the bus tgt and just nice both our buses came at the same time, so said goodbye and boarded mine.

this dude kept staring at me. if i was back in 2009, i would have went all, "eh shuai ge staring at me", but guess what, we are in 2012 now.

and my heart is alr with a D-cube.

so rode on the expressway all the way back to pasir ris, where i alighted at interchange and headed towards the library. dropped off Blood on My Hands and borrowed its sequel, Kill You Last, as well as this teenage crime book titled Right Behind You.

nowadays i've been borrowing books where the main character is male. dunno, those kinda books seem to have the least possibility of containing romance. damn sick and tired of teen romance.

so anyways, i aint gonna go into details for today, although i would really love to. i had damn a lot of fun. managed to ignore them ghosts too, altho the D-cube won me by a billion points. (dont get it? read my airport post for more details)

at the end of the day, guess what? i know how to do smth which i've never mastered before. something i should have learnt many years ago.

thank you to those awesome people, for making my day today . you know who you are. though i aint sure if you even know my bloggie.



last night, i sent Tht Boy's name to enma ai. i really did, i know it aint real but it gave me a kinda thrill, i guess. well. we'll see what happens. i just hope i dont go fully mentally unstable if he really dies.

she is me. i am her. who is she? who am i ?

i'm wondering who else from clique reads my blog. i know asleah knows my link, but i only know siying really reads it. just thought i'd say this, but they should know my link. they should read what i wrote, abt my wanting to leave them. just saying.

so i heard tht some ppl have been looking for me the past 2 weeks. and some others have been talking abt me, like syazie and nic and tim.

i'm scared. i dont know what to do. i dont want to talk anymore. i dont want to see anymore. my head is banging. gastric flu acts up at the most randomest of moments.

tht one person i've always relied on is not here to comfort me. i dont know what else to do. i guess i'm not independent at all. if he just a boy, then i'm just a girl who is in love with tht boy.

i dont know. sometimes i'm so damn positive, at other times i wanna break down and just curl up and die. this mind of mine has always been so unpredictable . or maybe i've just been so damn unsure of myself.

i hate him, yet i love him. tht makes me hate him, but i still love him. my mind is gg crazy, i'm gg insane.

the cat has looked up at the tree, and she's seen what she wanted. she circles around the tree first, just looking up. her owner calls out to her, and she does regard the owner, but she goes back to looking up at the tree right aft.

she's slowly circling the tree. picking up pace. and then she runs around the tree. runs in smaller circles around the tree, she's gg insane. the cat is chasing her own tail, again and again, not looking anywhere but up the tree.

a decade old story .

i never get tired of reading my old diaries.

i know i shouldnt, because they make me rmb more stuff which i dont wanna. i cant help it, it frustrates me but i enjoy reading abt all those times which are long gone now.

anyways. i think i shall not order iced coffee at dunkin donuts. maybe i should order hot coffee instead. earlier on i overheard my granny saying to my bro, "minum kopi. macam orang tua!" and it got me thinking.

but then again, to be drinking coffee alone at the airport seems to be a Nadhie thing. maybe i should be the Wrister girl at DD. well yeah, the first time i was there, i was her, writing alone sipping on iced coffee, smiling on my own. was just missing them glasses.

i read my dec 2010 diary, when i was creating the Wrister girl. know what i said?

aloof people dislikes being in the company of ppl. i'm cool with avoiding the crowds, but im not okay if i have to withdraw from the clique. can they be an exception?

i've changed. i've really changed . haix.

i am on a journey .

o yeah, shit, have i told you? earlier on had a nap, and i dreamt literally gg on a journey. okay okay, i shall share my dream.

was in the sch canteen, there were some papers plastered all over the walls and pillars around the sch. i saw MKI and ham reading one of the papers, and when they saw me they looked shocked and then walked slowly away.

saw them watch me walk toward the papers, and they were like waiting for my reaction as they stared at me reading. the paper was saying smth abt Tht Boy gg missing and asking for anyone who has information to come call.

i walked out of sch altho it was like in the middle of a sch day i think, and then i made my way back home and started packing. and then i called tht boy and there was smth abt yeah, he's still in singapore.

i dont rmb any other shit, but there was this one part where i was standing in fronta a door holding a gun in my hand. was a shotgun i think, always dreaming of those things.

so i walked in, and there, on a bed was tht boy and this muddafarking slut. there was some yelling (tht boy) and some giggling (the slut) and then i dont rmb anymore.

God, tht was scary shit.

anyhoos. ppl been asking me out these few days, or just asking me to come over and all tht stuff. think i shall go to the compass point area tmrw. sengkang or whatever shit, punggol or whatever. just tht district there. havent explored it before.

and the best part? no memories.

apart from the bloody bus 81 and nex mall.

i think i've found out the moral of the story The Cat and the Pine Tree. and guess what? i'm the strongest girl in the whole world aft all. tht boy's the weakling here. he's the weakling... for letting go.

an all-out english lesson.

i think i know how singlish was invented.

just talk to others in the country. you'll realize tht most singaporeans just love to fucking interrupt. it's what i observe anyway, i'm a true blue singaporean myself .

so what i think, is tht we're all getting interrupted all the time, so we started talking in a way where our sentences are incomplete but they mean exactly what we wanted to say, kinda like rushing our sentences so as not to get interrupted.

it just depends on the person you're talking to, actually. if the person is a good listener, you should take the chance to speak in full sentences, to practise your language. tht's a good way to improve your english, i think.

maybe tht's why i prefer writing to speaking. it's the only place where i get to say all tht i mean, i have all the time in the world to finish talking.

first step to improving english: the will. unless you dont wanna speak in proper sentences, then you shouldnt be wanting to improve your language.

second step: the writing. start by writing a personal diary, and try your best to write in proper english. pretend the diary is a compo tht you're gonna pass up to some high class british dude.

third step: speech. there should be some people in your life who are good listeners, sit them down for a talk session, and warn them before-hand not to interrupt you. (in case you dunno, i am willing to be the person you wanna practise with, like seriously. if you wanna.)

well. this is just my humble opinion anyway.

enjoy practising english.

E'indah .

i am losing track of time .

have i told you?

i discovered tht re'ine nadhie is a good thinker when it comes to studies.

but she's still the loner. so she aint gonna be hanging out with anybody anytime soon. and she's still a lazy person, so unless she starts putting in effort, she aint gonna have the opportunities to make proper use of her brain.

and she's still got gastric flu.

this gastric is making me very restless all the time, whether i'm lying down or sitting. the only time it doesnt have much effect is when i'm walking. it's damn irritating. but o well, i do love walking.

walking and writing is smth tht all three of us likes. the Wrister girl, Nadhie and E'indah . the Wrister girl's life depends on writing and walking but she doesnt show it, while Nadhie just seems to have a flair for it but doesnt know it.

and this E'indah, she loves writing and walking and would show the whole world what she loves.

tht's what i observe anyway.

i must admit, i'm kinda becoming a little mentally unstable. been talking to myself a lot more these days. and then sometimes i'd be like angry at this person inside me. it's like one sec i'm Nadhie, the other sec the Wrister girl.

ytd i was all three, to tell you the truth, in terms of appearance. there was the contacts of Nadhie, the skinnies and hoodie from the Wrister girl. and i brought back my style of 2009, the double hood thing. tht was so E'indah.

can you tell which is which? or more like which is who. kenya kenya ?



i am on my journey . take this bloggie as a kind of communication from my whereabouts to cliquey, cause i know siying reads this still.

and, dreamt of cliquey last night. all 7 of them . at sch. and, it was E'indah . not Wrister girl or Nadhie. how i know you ask? i just do. tht's the thing abt dreams. you just know.

i'm breaking apart. i really am . even syazie seems to have given up on me, my dear childhood friend. and nicholas as well. o well.

the thing tht matters is i havent given up on myself. tht is why i am on this journey .

i know to you all it's the wrong thing to be not giving up on. but nah. to me, getting tht smth means more than anything else in the world.

today's my maternal grandfather's 81st birthday. alhamdullilah he is still with us today, and healthy and happy.

"sadistic" .

so, today.

i am currently editting all of today's footage, so i might be distracted off this post here and there. had the 4th annual reunion with sabrina, shushan and siying today.

had told them i wouldnt be coming, but i did. at a really later time. sabrina practically shrieked when she saw me standing there by her door. i had tears in my eyes at tht point of time.

so yeah, we watched woodcock first, followed by the coraline which i'd brought. unaccompanied minors was next, before we ended off the day with joshua. all the titles of the movies we watched today kinda describe the main characters, if u get what i mean.

anyhoos, aft the whole reunion, walked to ehub with siying to pee. slacked at burger king first before making our way to the bus stops, them ghosts walking along here and there gg all dadadoo.

o before i forget, here are some pics from reunion.





before we parted, i'd told siying abt my decision. shall leave it to her to deliver the news to the rest. i just rmb tht the last thing i had said to her before walking away was "i'm not coming back."

okay, i think i shall edit the footage tmrw? shall do other stuff now, gonna get off the comp and do some papery work eg writing.

been slacking in my studies. should buck up. one thing tht's made me really happy is the fact tht my granny is sleeping over again .

take this as a journey. clique was my home, but now i am setting off on a journey to acquire smth from a far away place. as long as i aint home, it just means i havent gotten tht smth.

..................... this morning, i was awakened by the rain. i was dazing awhile when there was this really loud thunderclap , and it shocked the shit out of me.

i had looked at the time. 6.30 in the morning. the first thing tht i remembered was tht was the time where tht boy would be on the way to sch on wednesdays.

the rain was damn heavy, there was lighting and thunder, and all i could think of was his safety. tht was the only thing i had thought of, God.

my axes. if tht aint love, then what is it ?

when somebody says sorry, it doesnt always mean an end to smth bad. it could also be the start of smth bad. for example sorry is always used to patch things up with someone right? tht way it's like the end of smth bad (a quarel or smth) / the start of smth good (a rekindled friendship) . get what i mean?

but sometimes it could be the opposite as well. it could be the end of smth good, and the start of smth bad. like "i'm sorry. but i'm leaving." get it ?

i shall now set off on tht journey. hope i'd return home (clique) safe, with tht smth in tow. like seriously. i am desperate for my own reasons. i have my reasons .

hmmmm ........ maybe should make a video on this .

i will not jump in puddles.
i will not run to pigeons.
i will not walk on lines.
i will not go high on cookies.
i will not slide down staircase railings.

i will not be immature. bloody douchebag. i hate you .

and yet, i love you with all my heart and soul.

gah, i hate you so much.

o i just realized smth. there're two D-cubes in my life actually. douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag and dunkin donuts dude. and then there's also a D-squared, drummer dude. hahahahaha. k.

heart still belongs to the douchebag tho, cause among all 3 i know him the best.

spent last night/this morning making this.



it's an AVSSS. kind of a tribute to E'indah E'esa and the Wrister girl as well. the latter wasnt tht bad actually. it's Re'ine Nadhie who's the douche here. sigh. i'm still sticking to being her though, altho i dont really like it.

this is a rebellion against myself.

for how long you ask? now tht u mention it, i dont have the slightest clue.

hmmm. i think i shall go to T3 dunkin donuts every monday. to drink coffee and write . and, some other stuff. yeahh .....

off a little notebook from sanctuary .

you think he's really The One when you guys keep meeting each other, again and again, even aft each fall-out. even aft the fact tht he left you aft every critical moment, you still find yourself so willing to forgive him for leaving you behind. you find yourself believing him, again and again, even aft every lie he had just told you.

if you're positive, and have a mind set as such, you'll find yourself believing he's really The One. but is he, really? the fact tht he can make you feel all tht, make you lost like tht... doesnt it prove tht he's a douche who doesnt deserve you at all?

you came back to her each time you left her behind. she's always willing to welcome you back with her open arms with tht smile of hers. you dont think she's The One, you're letting God decide for you. but you're always getting reminded of her, she was the first girl you had hugged, held hands with, kissed, touched. you had said you really wanted to marry her.

each time you see her, you still get butterflies, even tho you were the one who had made the choice to separate from her. she loves you just as much, maybe a lot more, and you'll never find someone else who loves you tht much. but from the way you treat her all these years, dont you think you're just a douche who doesnt deserve her at all?

this wasnt what i had written in the airport ytd tho.

a solitary escapade to z airport.

successfully went to the airport today.

had made my way to the library to drop off Ten Mile River first, resisting the temptation to borrow another book, before walking to the bus stop that had the bus which would bring me to changi airport.

read Winter Town on the bus, alighted at T3 with the hopes of buying a kit kat chunky caramel (one of my absolute favourites) but nope, there was just the cookies and creme one, which unfortunately had memories of tht boy.

tried not to recall, but damn. it was too late. me 0 him 1.

saw dunkin donuts, never knew they opened one on the 'outside' side of T3. it was empty apart from two girls studying in one of the booths, thought i'd chillax there til 830, which was the time my mom would have finished working.

but then i was like, my main intention of coming here was to watch aeroplanes, not to drink coffee and chillax at a cafe.

made my way to T1, up the escalator tht brought me to the viewing plaza. stared at all the aeroplanes, standing on the little glass floor. all sorts of thoughts had came to my mind then.

eons later made my way back down, to the little bookshop near the airasia counter. spent some eons browsing thru the novels, thought of buying the horror book by this japanese author, or the one called Headhunters by good ole Jo Nesbo (the book was only 14 bucks!) .

but nah. in the end, made my way to the magazines corner pondering over which one to get. eventually i decided on Asian Geographic, aft thinking tht the sch aint giving us those anymore, right?

took the skytrain to T3 back to dunkin donuts, dumped my stuff at one of the booths and made my way to the counter.

ordered an iced coffee before lingering around there, not sure where to wait til my drink was done. the countergirl said to me, as if she had read my mind, "you can wait at the side for your order to be ready."

so found a chair by the straws and looked around the little cafe while waiting for my iced coffee to be made.

eventually, the worker dude peeked over the counter and stared at me with a cuppa in his hand. he looked lost, and i thought he looked kinda cute.

he said to me, "is this yours?" i was like, "iced coffee?" and then he looked lost some more before nodding his head off and repeating "iced coffee. iced coffee."

God. he's cute. but he had a lot of piercings, which was damn contradicting to his cute exterior.

sat back at my place sipping z iced coffee, writing in my little notebook. just writing and writing, getting rid of all the rubbish tht's been making the inside of my heart stink really badly.

not saying it's all out clean right now, but the little writing session made me feel so much better. as it always does.

the world feels and sounds so much better without having my ears plugged into by earpieces. like seriously. it's been like, what, 2 or 3 weeks since i discovered my phone's jack was spoilt.

so anyway. when it was 830, made my way to the toilette before gg back to T1 on the skytrain to meet my mom at the airasia counter.

i enjoyed tht solitary escapade while it lasted.

and now here i am, sitting at my own desk back home, sharing my day with you.

i found this in my big bright notebook before i left house this evening. it made my day.



and the dunkin donuts worker dude. he's really so cute. kept thinking abt the way he smiled so shyly when passing me my iced coffee. when will i see him again, if i do? will i have any chance at all to talk to him someday, other than "can i have an iced coffee?" ?

wow, this is the first time ive talked like this abt a boy i met once ._.

unfortunately, unless or until i meet him again and get a chance to know him eons better, my heart still belongs to the most douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag in the world. the D-cube.

hey i like tht. the D-cube. the D-cube yo. hahahah!

i'm smiling to myself! hehe.



and i'd be the M-cube. most moronest moronic moron. hehehe!

...i'm scaring myself .

aku, bersama sepasang kaki,
aku, yang tidak yakin dengan kelajuan ini.
aku, dengan semangat setajam duri.
aku, yang tidak percaya diriku memang berani.

i, with a pair of legs.
i, who doesnt have faith in this speed.
i, with courage sharp as thorns.
i, who doesnt believe i really am brave.

the airport.

i like the airport.

i've had many dreams abt the airport. there aint any memories of tht boy over there, and, it's where i bond with my mother the most.

and i like aeroplanes. i like their structure. i like the view from the tiny little windows. i like to watch the ppl there, the foreigners, and listen to their ways of speech.

it makes me look independent, somewhat. it makes me think tht ppl look at me as a 'traveller', especially when i always go there with a backpack, altho i am not. metaphorically i am tho.

i shall make my way there now. my mother is not replying. i have no idea whether i'm meeting with her or not. o well .

actually, there are a little memories of tht boy over there. but not the physical memories. just the stories type of memories, because he used to tell me some abt the airport, or pilots, or theories abt aeroplanes.

but i shall not think of all tht, nope. this is my solitary escapade. it is where i shall be E'indah E'esa. *puts on glasses* cheyy . haha.

which reminds me, i miss 500A. there's another carpark nearby where there's also the little shelter, but the view is not tht nice. and it just aint the same. o well .

ohhh.... gastric pain sucks.

gastric pains been keeping me awake these past few nights.

ive been watching some old videos from 2011. i must say... it was the best year of my life so far. and im not including 2012 in the years im talking abt, cause it aint even halfway thru yet.

anyway. 2011.

1. cheering comp. for three years we've never won any shit, not even 3rd place. and then suddenly we were the effing overall champions. totally unexpected .

dammit, im suddenly so lazy to talk abt 2011.
or more like afraid to reminisce ?

it's raining. some trivium just played on my WMP . im skipping to some enrique iglesias right now. so very the re'ine nadhie. bloody bitch .

o God... my gastric area still hurts like hell. it's been a lot more painful ever since the fever i had like, last week. i ignored the pain in rebellion against Being Left Behind.

have i told you? during my escapade over the weekend, i made my grandmother lose her trust in me.

my grandmother. the one person before tht boy whom i truly truly ever bothered to care about.

whose fault is it tht she lost trust in me? yes. mine.
no, it's not mine. it's E'indah's. cause she allowed tht boy to make her do stupid things like run away from guilley, lie to her grandmother tht she was gg home but didnt.

my God. how i hate... her.



this song.

once, i was listening to it when in a conversation with tht boy. i watched the lyrics. i was addicted to this song, but i wasnt empathetic. i didnt feel for this person, because...

i had thought i wouldnt be in this state, i had thought tht boy would be with me forever. i really thought tht. i rmb it so clearly. back in november .

i hate you. yet, i love you.

"you know that when i hate you, it is because i love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul."

isnt it strange?

imagine you just had a walk in ur hometown and it was a horrible reminiscence of sweet memories. it was a horrible remembrance because it's a realization that all you once had is now gone.

so you wish your memories can be erased. you wish you can forget all those, everything that's ever happened between you and that boy, because it pains you to remember that he who was once there for everything isnt there for you anymore.

and you really did forget, you wake up one day to realize that you dont remember a single thing about your life.

the first thing you would want to do, is to remember everything in your life... right?

get what i mean? see the irony or whatever the word is?

when they've got smth, they want smth else. when they've got smth new, they want the old one back. humans are truly strange creatures. they all dont know what they really want.

at some moments i wanna kiss the shit out of you. at others i wanna crush your windpipe with my bare hands. these bloody hands are capable of doing shit, and my current mental unstability has the will to do all tht.

i dont know what's your problem. if you had planned on leaving me, why come back in the first place?

you made me like you, and then you left and then came back and then made me fall in love with you and then left again. and then you came back again and made me believe you love me and then you fucked me up and then you left me again.

yeah, what's your problem? i am asking you .
what. is. your. problem ?

i know mine. i wanna know yours. i wanna know why you do all those shit to me, why you treat me like this.

and o God. i wanna know why God makes us meet again and again each time. why God makes our paths cross each time. no, why your path happens to intrude mine each time.

and this moron named E'indah . why the fuck she making me so in love with you, why the fuck she make me so at your mercy. bloody hell. she made me suffer because of you . both of you are in cahoots. i hate the both of you .

but then again i love the both of you. both of you taught me many important stuff, and altho sometimes i dont heed them, i do think of those memories, those lessons. she taught me many stuff which only i would have understood.

i miss you. i miss her . but what can i do? i cant bring her back like how she cant bring you back.

bloody hell. she's letting you ruin her life. my life. she's got the choice not to be affected, and she's choosing to be. and it's making me suffer as well .

i hate her. i hate you . i wish you'd just die. i didnt get to bash you the second time you left, but this time i'll do it. i'll kill you first, and then i'll kill her. it'll make my life so much better .

not giving a shit .

he pressed
the button.
when there were no cars,
he jay-walked.
behind him, the red man
turns green
and a dozen cars
wait for an invisible man
to walk across.

when you're walking towards it, you hurry like there's no tmrw, but when walking away from it, you stroll like you have all the time in the world.

and then there's the douchebags who are the exact opposite. they stroll like they have all the time in the world when walking towards it, but when walking away from it they hurry like there's no tmrw.

why is life like tht? and why are those douchebags like tht ? or more like why is tht douchebag like tht?

i think blind ppl have got some advantages as well. they dont have to see anything, and other ppl dont have to see anything abt them. no eyes to look out of, no seeing things tht hurt.

no eyes to be looked into. nobody to look into ur eyes and saying things like, are you sure you're ok?

and most of all no seeing ghosts of the past.

whats up with me you ask? currently on a solitary escapade. but then again i always am, you say? this one's different. this one's really a solitary escapade. one thing is i dont have my friends anymore. dont think they care shit abt me anymore.

been dreaming of tht boy.
been seeing tht boy.
been hearing tht boy's voice.
been remembering. reminiscing. sometimes i'd laugh, sometimes i'd cry, sometimes i'd get mad. i dont know. whats wrong. with me .

i wanna be blind, or disappear from here completely. i wanna run. i wanna not give a shit abt my stamina and just run, run, run . without mercy .

o, god... why do those ghosts smile? why do they laugh? i guess they're just performers. my personal performers. they smile and laugh while they act even tho in actual fact they're both stripped of their happiness .

o wait, i'm stripped of my happiness. idk abt tht boy. he probably enjoying his life right now. good for him then. if he's happy, then i should be happy too .

then why do i get the feeling tht he aint happy at all ?
maybe it's just my imagination .

i wanna run. without. mercy. because ive got. the choice. and. time of day .

sacrificial protection.

i'm falling apart by my own desire.
dont make it difficult for me please.

i love all of you, tht's why i'd rather leave you all be, so you wont be affected. i'll just leave the clique, so all of you can just be seven and there wont be any One Who Spoils All Mood.








Mg is more reactive than Fe so the former will corrode in the latter's place until it runs out.

just some feelings .

you're right. "what happened?" maybe if you had been there for me all along you would have known. when i needed you, where were you? you were busy with other stuff.

i did try to ask you out but you never replied me. and when you finally texted me, it was during my gastric flu time and all you had to ask was is your job hiring? yeah, you're the most awesome cousie ever dont you think ?

couldnt sleep last night. had naps in between my insomnia , with very very brief but weird dreams.

i aint blaming anyone, but ive coped with everything in my life pretty badly ever since tht boy left me behind.

i know you all thinking he just a boy, he nothin. but no, to me he everythin. he was there for me when i aint got nobody else, when everyone else had them boyfriends or girlfriends or cca or jobs. he was my boyfriend, my brother, my parent, my best friend. he was my everything.

like i said, all i cared abt in this world was him, my grandmother, my aunt at guilley. tht was just the problem, they were both at guilley. the only one i truly had by my side all the time was tht boy.

it aint my fault i have this attitude like a child's, feeling neglected at every single thing, not being understanding tht ppl have got their other important stuff. i aint as mature as some ppl think.

the problem with me is tht i dont practise what i preach. i tell ppl tht time goes on and all tht crap but no, here i am wasting my life away because of a boy. i'm a bad role model arent i .

no, im a weakling arent i . yeah, of course i am, bloody hell. i may be the strongest person ive ever met, but still the weakest.

been getting some sort of weird moodswing. sometimes i would cry, and then suddenly i would laugh at some funny memory. and then i'll rmb some shit he had said and get angry tht he had lied to me again.

once again im having the shit tht one second he the love of my life, the next i wanna smear his blood all over the ground with my nikes.

this has always scared me . i got this in nov 2010. i wanted so badly to bash him up tht i was so scared of seeing him, i was afraid i would really murder him. but i wanted to , but i was afraid tht i would.

anyhoos, as you can see, im not in sch right now. yes i am still sick with the gastric flu. as ive said before, i truly deserve this .

i once mentioned tht i didnt feel connected with the ppl from pasir ris anymore, be it the clique, the sch mates, the strangers i see every day at elias mall, etc. i still do feel tht. aft my o levels, if i manage to survive it, imma move out of pasir ris . i dont care anymore .

a silly little sch girl crush .

oh firetruck. no, no, no. i cant go on anymore. the ghosts scare me. them memories affect me so greatly even aft all these years. i hate the fact tht here i am falling into a fever because of him and there he is gg on so well with his own life.

but enough abt tht boy, right? right.

maybe ive got a crush. this crush of mine, is just another silly one, many years aft my first real crush which was in 2009. all them others were just walls to help me deny my real crush for tht boy. if u get what i mean.

so anyways, this crush, i find him cute uh. and in all the class vids, he's like so awesome ah. there's one more thing abt him tht makes him damn awesome, but if i were to say it straight it'll be obvious who's this crush i'm referring to .

hmmm, who knows my blog tht knows this person ah? siying, timothy, syazana. okay, most of them are me classmates. shall i just shut up and tell you who this person is? oh but then if i shut up, how am i supposed to tell you who's he?

ok, ok. i shall shut up. and tell you who he is .

maybe ah. maaaaybe only, maybe i might have this silly little crush on zharfan.

i must admit, the very first time i ever noticed him was when i saw him sleeping in class. he looked so much like tht boy when he was sleeping.

tht made me notice him. and ever since then, i've only looked at him for the way he is. his drumming is just damn awesome.

been watching back some of the old 4/2 videos, and i never noticed how i captured him on camera so much. he's quite good looking in his own way, and when he smiles or laughs, it's like so cute. he so pendiam, yet it must be because he's got a lot in his mind. he seems tht type. to me.

during cheer it's like we had to rely on each other ah. cause, he had to listen for my 5678 before starting his beat. and then i was watching our 4/2 encore cheer, and he had looked out for my signal before making his final beat before my 5678. if u get what i mean.

then tht time when they were teaching the new moves, i didnt get it, and then he was like, "eindah eindah, like this eindah." and then he showed me them moves.

and another time when everyone was chaotic and then i was like, "oh i know i know!" cos i had suggestion but faiz didnt hear me then i was like, ok nevermind. and then zharfan was like, "eh faiz faiz, eindah got smth to say" or smth like tht ah.

but, too bad he only likes chinese girls. o well .

anyhoos. there's the camp thingy tmrw. aahhhh . and look, my earring the sharp part has been bleeding a lot lately. means my earlobe is bleeding too. ouch indeed. it's gonna get an infection. again.

you know how some ppl with the third eye wish they could just be blind instead? i feel tht way too. i wish i dont have to see them ghosts everywhere. i know it's just my imagination, but ... i cant control seeing those stuff.

i hafta stop my imagination, but i dont really know how. and,... i think those ghosts are real beautiful. they look so happy. i'm the only one in the world who can see them, so why make them stop existing?



reminds me of the time when he went to z SK right aft he and i shared first kiss. he's really the most douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag i know.

haix. but still, he's also truly the most handsome boy ive ever met.

i found a lie, and then it grew. i found myself still thinking of you. i felt so empty, and then i'm fine, but still it's burning: when will you be mine?

was dragged to the doc ytd and guess what? i've had gastric flu all along. when i was told tht, the first thing tht came to my mind was, he was right.

i didnt listen to him, didnt think tht i'd really get the shit. and when i went to the doc back in jan and was told i had too much acid in my stomach, i didnt eat the medicine. he told me to, but i didnt heed him at all.

and tht is why i truly deserve this.

aunt came over, she was the one who dragged me, and fed me my medicine. in the past it would be my mom. but no, ever since some shit happened between me and parents, they hardly take notice of me alr.

my dad didnt believe me when i told him i was sick in the morning. he was waking me up for sch and when i couldnt get up, he started yelling at me to get up, get up. and then in the end he was like, "i hate you ah. really." and then it was all silent again.

took my temp in the afternoon, was 38.4 . i couldnt find any comfortable position to sleep in. and i kept having weird nightmares when i slept. like seriously uber weird.

this just the thing i hate the most abt being sick. cause of the weird stuff i see in my sleep. and you all know how seriously i take my dreams.

and all along during this pity party of mine, what i had thought of the most was for tht boy to come and take care of me again. like he used to.

at some moments, i would think tht i was back in jan, where he texted me every half an hour asking how i was doing. back then, there was tht one time when i called him telling him tht the pain was really unbearable and i just wanted to cry, and he had said tht he wanted to cry too. he was yelling shit like "yes! i know it hurts! i feel like crying too!"

and he's the type of person who rarely cries. like super rarely.

haix. yeah, i am a moron for still thinking of him. why am i being like this? why am i still affected by him? i bet he doesnt even rmb all our memories even tho there's alr like a dozen by the time he steps out of the lift at his house.

are all males like tht ? there she is being so damn brought down by all the words you had said to her, and here you are going on with your life like as if you had done nothing wrong towards her.

so anyways. yeah, ive got gastric flu. congratulations irshad. you were right. and i deserve this.

a post abt tht boy. dont read if u aint interested

this song makes a lot of sense.



it's like, you have a very bad past which still affects you greatly, and when someone new comes along, you disregard it because of the ways the previous someone had hurt you. but this new someone loves you so much tht he's willing to wait for you til you're ready to accept him.

he's waiting for you to get over it, but he's not rushing you. he doesnt mind being away from you while you take your time healing your scars, because he loves you so much. he wants you to take it slow. the waiting doesnt bother him as long as you're okay.

at least, tht's what i think ah.

anyhoos, it's been a month. have i told you tht aft cheering comp i bawled at the bus stop whining tht boy's name repeatedly into pearl's hoodie sleeve? yeah, i did. just a random breakdown. but it was embarrassing as hell.

the last time i saw him, he had tears in his eyes. it's damn difficult to make him cry. i wonder if he's getting affected by the memories now, like he had been when he left me for the 2nd time. i wonder if he ever cried missing me .

whenever i go for walks, i end up walking by his block, it's been tht way since 2010. but despite knowing where exactly he lives, i've never went up there and beg for him back. no . because i am not obsessed .

i do think of him. i do wish tht we would be like last time because i miss him. yeah, it's all because i love him so much. but at least i dont beg him. i cry over him, i get angry because he lied to me again. but at the end of the day, .... i know it's his choice.

altho i start thinking abt him again the very next morning, and wish he'd be with me, i know it was what he wanted, and i respect it. i just havent been able to take it yet.

it's not as simple as it seems. there's a lot more reasons why i was so upset when he left, some reasons tht not even my best friend knows. it's all in tht little notebook .

anyways. ive been listening to Trapt a lot these days. many of their songs make so much sense, in particular These Walls. kinda like the situation i am in right now, the new identity shit.

i hope you dont kill me for what i'm gonna say now, but i once, for a second, had thought of dropping out of sch entirely. i'm damn tired. my mom been forcing me to continue taking art. it aint persuade you know, it's force. and all the teachers too .

bloody hell, it's supposed to be my decision. who's the one doing the o levels, me or you? it's my choice whether i want to bloody draw and paint and all tht shit or not.

there was smth abt a literally bloody post-it during this morning's dream, with 109 written on it. cant rmb any other words, just tht particular number.

what should i do ?
what shall i do ?
what would i do ?

hmm, tht all depends on what i want to do .

eh, wait, no. if it depends on what i want to do, we're all screwed, with me being the most fucked up. yeah thanks.

i'm like so in love with These Walls. maybe should make a vid to tht instead. currently putting re:the world calling on hold first cos i had planned it to be filmed at prp, which i'm still phobic abt, as proven by friday's cross country.

i see them ghosts everywhere. the male ghost even haunts me in my sleep, his words haunt my thoughts, and his face haunts my mind.

but to me, the female one is the scarier one. she's telling me to do things i shouldnt, and i think she's gonna try hypnosis very very soon.

like clockwork, i commit the crime. i pretend to be everything they write.

Last Cheering Comp!!

i miss 4/2 2011.
i love 5/1 2012.

had cheering comp today! aft cross country of cos, but tht was boring so i aint gonna go into details abt tht. just tht, i ran with priscilla and farizah, and it was an accomplishment tht we managed to run tht first long stretch without walking!

ok, so went back home, my rest before making my way to sch to practice one last time for the cheering comp. bumped into shushan and amalina when i walked in, so we walked up to class tgt, to find it was empty.

some ppl started coming, and then we all just decided to practice first even tho our main leaders were like, missing. i liked tht circle where we were all reciting and doing the movements, when we were having so much trouble ytd.

this year, jia yao was in, he wasnt so participative last year. and then the rest all came and we had a few more last practices, full of gusto and energy and all tht stuff. i saw zharfan doing the #ahahsiol , damn cute sia. i laughed real loudly at tht .

had the part where we place our palms tgt, before making our way down to the hall with our usual ohhh, oh, oh, ohhh, here comes 5/1, here comes 5/1 cheer.

so yes, started off with the sec 3s followed by the 1s and 2s before coming to the 4s and 5s. we've watched the others rehearse, but i still felt kinda restless during the three 4N classes.

no matter, we all still stood up calmly and prepared, taking our places when 4/8 went up stage, cause we were gonna have our turn aft theirs. everyone adapted our entrance from last year, but we took them by surprise, gg up stage in an entirely different kinda formation. sneaky little douches, we are.

the hall was silent when i went all 5, 6, 7, 8! tht was awesome. and then we all just ran to stage gg all eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh 5NA1 , and then just doing all the shit tht we did at practice but many eons way better.

i realized the peeps always forget the Thank You part, so i had made it a point to rmb tht the most. and i shouted with all my heart thank you, PRCS! aft the throne line. i dunno, i think i kinda helped a bit. cause i watched the vids and tht part was silent apart from a few voices coming from my area :3

halfway down to backstage, i took out my camera and started recording shit sia, sempat right? we were gg crazy screaming backstage, jia yao was like knn non stop -.-

sat in the hall watching 5/2's cheer, clapping and screaming for them the way they did for us. went back to our places aft they went backstage. the emcee gave them judges (ms delsise, mrs sheri, and mr bernard) time to, well, judge.

according to the english language, the judge judges and the judges judge.
i find tht funny .

k so well anyhoos, camwhored a little, watched some vid tht the sch made for us, and then suddenly, it was time for the results.

i was so excited til i forgot tht the other levels had their top 3 as well. so waited for tht, and then it was finally the time for the announcing of the winners for sec 4/5s.

when the emcee was like, "in third place....." i was like, "notfiveone notfiveone notfiveone....." and when she was like, "fourrrr......." i was like hoo!

and then she's like, "in second place.......... fourtwo!" and we're all like O:

finally she was like, "and finally, it is time for the first place of the sec 4s and 5s.... who do you think it is?" all the sec 4s were like making 5/1 with their fingers, like woah....

and YEAH! we won first place for sec 4/5s! for the second time in a row! everyone was like screaming and jumping abt, including me, and i have proof ! but we'll get to tht later.

so then they announced the other awards before asking for the drumroll before Overall Champion. and once again everyone was like 5/1 5/1 5/1, and HELL YEAH. WE GOT THE PLACE OF OVERALL CHAMPION AGAIN !

did our encore, which was like so many eons more fun than the real thing. holy firetruck, we won overall champion twice in a row! i was damn tired by then and i could only mouth the words. at the end of it all, we invited 5/2 up on stage and we were all jumping around like crazy!

jeremy and hannan were behind me, hannan was like, "what, do what???" then jeremy was like, "i dunno, i just jump jump." damn cute sia! and yes, it was damn fun just jumping around, us remaining 2011 cohort.

when we were dismissed, us 5/1 went to the pond to take photos, and it was raining! damn dramatic. i dont have the class photos with me. but there were plenty! and then we did the putting our hands tgt thing again on the pond board.

dammit, i love all those ppl so much. and those who were with us right there a year ago as well. i love them all, 4/2 2o11 and 5/1 2012. and then all of the sec 5s took photo tgt! tht was bloody awesome. ok, i love 4/3 2011 and 5/2 2012 as well ^_^

and here are just some photos from cheering comp. from my cammie.










went to ehub with asleah, farizah, pearl, priscilla, sabrina and shushan. talked with daniel on the bus, and then we all made our way to mac's to eat. saw 4/4 staring at us, murmuring all, "eh, eh. 5/1, 5/1."

so we ate, and we all laughed a lot. i like the part where i had tartar on my lip and asleah was like, "abeh tu untok aper? sarapan besok pagi?" kurang ajar! hahahah!

i looked at reflection off the glass, which was behind sab, and then i just licked the tartar off my lip. sab was like staring at me do tht and she made this face and looked away. her face looked real bad ! cause she seriously disgusted with mayo and she was like surrounded by tht!

went to carpark to send pearl off cause her mommy was picking her up, and then we all went to the rooftop, as always, to camwhore. i liked it when pris said, "you like self high eh." hahaha!






we were dancing like shit, asleah and pris and sab and shan dancing their korean stuff. farizah and i were doing a horrible job just imitating what they were all doing. i like the lifting up the feet and then touching the ankles part, i kept doing tht sia! damn fun.

first time laughing so much with them.

splitz from the rest, loitered around central area on my own, admiring the board tht i drew on, before reaching home around 9.30.

and here is z video abt 5/1 2012's cheering experience!


i just realized tht when i said to wai kit "all hail 5/1, current and previous." i was referring to him as well. but he didnt even take part in cheering last year lor.

so anyhoos! now tht cheering comp is over, i hope my dear classmates would take their time aft sch to go home and study. i hope they'd all do their best in the o levels and beat the express ppl when collecting results next year.

okay, i love my classmates so much . so very much.

i cant, im sorry.

i cant handle this anymore. i dont have the physical ability. i aint as strong as i think i am. im the weakest person i know. im sorry. i aint strong aft all. i cant be on my own aft all. im sorry, but i really need tht boy. i really need him. please do smth abt it, would you, God ? please ?

there's been a song playing in my head since ytd, but i cant tell whether it's trapt or trivium. ive listened thru all the trapt i have, none of them was the one tht was in my mind. then it must be trivium, but whats the problem now?

tht's right. trivium is tht boy's fave band. i cant bring myself to listen to any of tht. not yet, at least, cause im the strongest person ive ever met. we take it slow. im not saying trapt has no memories of him, tho. cause yeah... there is.

anyway, this was the very last picture i took of E'indah E'esa. 5th of feb 2012.



i think she's a really beautiful person, in her own way. she just never believed it, and only did when tht boy was the one who told her. tht's why when he left, she just decided to abandon her whole self, just believing tht her soul is ugly.

tht was stupid of her.
but it was also stupid of him.

To wake up
Knowing you've got a day
Is a blessing.
Make yourself unwilling
To sleep away
The Pain.
And run
Run
Without mercy
Because you've got
The choice,
And time of day.

hold on tight to the things you're given. because you never know when someone might just come over and snatch it all away from you. tht someone looks like you sometimes. you see yourself coming up to you, and you're thinking you look so beautiful, when you suddenly snatch your things away from you.

it's scary, isnt it ?

i've finally got the guts to be on the comp.

somehow, it's always the most dangerous place. it's where people hurt you, and where you hurt yourselves. it's where you get hurt, basically. you see things tht hurt your feelings, be it enemies tht talk abt you, or exes tht are doing fine without you.

and you see things tht spoil your mind, be it the violence or the pornography. it makes you want to do things tht you shouldnt. on the other hand, it's where you can get inspired. you see things tht others do, the good things, like video diarying or blogging, letting out all your feelings.

but maybe it's not good. you see so many things tht so many people do, tht you just lose the interest in your main talent. you get undecided. spoilt for choice. sometimes, they are the wrong choices.

i'm still getting over the Being Left Behind. he was really the love of my life. why has my emotions towards his leaving not numb? aft all, he's alr left me behind three times. why do i not get used to it ?

currently planning my second MV which is to re:the world calling. the beginning would be easy, i can go on my own filming shit. but towards like near the ending of the 1st minute, i'd need someone to help alr.

well.
i shall get over this, and i will. i will move on. not to other guys, just to the future. if he and i meet again someday, then we are meant to be. he cannot avoid tht. no more excuses.

none for me too . because i am the strongest person i have ever met.
the weakest, but still the strongest.