the top 3 things from school:
1. haziq was amazing during pledge taking. really, i applaud him.
2. social studies is actually kinda fun if you really understand it.
3. i hate mondays.
after school, had intended to go to changi airport, but halfway received a text from Maya cousie, who was on her way to compass point so that was where i made my way towards instead.
i've never explored the district before apart from the time when i had to get Haikal dood to come save me. but fortunately for me i was able to find my way to compass point, where Maya was already waiting.
her friend is so adorable. the dude was immediately like "Hello!" when he saw me peek out from behind cousie's back. i was taken aback and couldn't respond, but lucky for me cousie was like, "oh, dia pendiam sikit,", something like that?
he asked me about my tee, which was from Ministry of Clothing, and then he was like sharing info about the company sponsoring for Anak Metropolitan, so i was like, Cool.
later on when we were splitz, maya was like, "i told him you were pendiam, that's why he tried talking to you, and all you had to say was Cool !?"
we made our way to kfc, where i just bought a few egg tarts, and while eating, we kept laughing as always. at the end of it all, i managed to write a real cheesy poem for her on a piece of serviette. if memory serves me right it'd went like this:
my dear cousie
always there for me.
my dear cousie
makes me so happy.
my dear cousie
always makes me laugh like crazy.
my cousin Mayang
whom i will always sayang.
it's kind of last minute but i'm proud of it all the same. made her shove it into her wallet, heh.
made our way to the library where i completed The Dead Of Winter, maya leaving halfway through my completion. so blah3 went to pasir ris lib on my own before going to elias mac where i bumped into Wei Liat eating M&Ms in the queue. for some reason damn cute lah.
know why i hate mondays? my top reason is the fact that the bus stop is ultra crowded after school every monday. yeah, it's as simple as that. simple yet extreme.
so tomorrow is a public holiday. unfortunately, though, the library will be closed. and tadah, it's a wrap as April 2012 comes to a close.
from what i observed, May is always one of the best months each year. May always consists the crest with the highest amplitude for the year, while October consists of the trough with the same amplitude. if you get what i mean.
am looking forward to May this year, although this Wednesday would have made it half a year if Irshad and i were still together.
but we're not, so, que sera sera. i just felt like talking about him cause our song is playing right now. shuffle, not intently. okay? okay. done.
this thursday, have got an appointment. have vowed to wear anything apart from my usual get up of Nikes and skinnies, so, that is what i shall do -- not wear Nikes or skinnies. though i'd most prob leave home in the mentioned, and just bring along some other stuff to change into.
well. shall do my best.
the song is over, and now it's Stolen, Dashboard Confessional.
this song had been the song i was listening to when i was meeting Irshad before our trip to WW back on the 29th of Jan, 2012. i saw him sitting, in the distance, oblivious to the pair of eyes he had been buried in. at that moment, the very lyrics that had screamed into my head were: "you have stolen my heart" .
because indeed, he had.
i remember, my very thoughts at that very moment were just: "This boy. he's truly the love of my life. i love him so much. i love him with all my heart and soul."
i had cried. this sudden recollection is making me remember tiny details i had never thought of before. now i remember, i had cried as i stared at him from the distance, on the platform of Kembangan mrt station.
it must have been a premonition, i must have felt something wrong. i probably sensed he was gonna leave me in a matter of less than a week's time, so i wanted to take in all of him while i still could. maybe. i dont know. i never wrote anything about it in my diary of that period.
in any case, it's all over now. he may have been the most handsome boy i've ever met, but he wasn't the bravest. all the time i've known him, nearly two years of friendship, he'd never allowed any tears fall from his eyes in the comfort of my presence before.
the fact that he's left me as many as three times, already symbolizes his cowardice. the fact that he's lost the strength to hold on, while there i remained with arms continuing to grip on to the feelings, it's already proved who's the braver one here.
the fact that he doesn't dare to cry, that he doesn't dare to have the feelings, that he doesn't dare face consequences to the actions he took.
that said, i conclude that i'm a brave girl. i dared to linger in the memories, the feelings that once existed, i dared to cry and respond in inhumane ways, before finally gathering the strength to try and get up.
i'm back to normal now. i'd like to thank the one who had told me not to be a lamppost. you know who you are. this person had been the one to push me when i needed it the most, towards the correct direction. i'd like to thank you. so, thank you.
now stare at all the memories of Irshad and i for one last time before i burn these pictures. pictures over the years.
"i'd like to wish you a happy birthday."
i turn to face him. "Huh?"
he smiles. "your birthday. i'd wanted to wish you, but i remembered Khairul telling me to stay away from you, so i didnt know whether to wish you or not. so, happy birthday. belated."
"Wow. thank you."
we resume our way towards pasir ris park. i take in his scent from next to me; so familiar, yet so new. each time his hand touches mine, a jolt of electricity shoots up my arm, despite our past in which we had hugged each other so many times.
we pass by the spot where we had shared our first kiss. he's talking about a friend of his now, and i sneak a glance at him, hoping to see a shroud of remembrance. i find myself being disappointed, but i shrug it off.
"oh, there. waterbreaker. let's go sit there." he quickens his pace, but slows it down as i answer: "it's not a waterbreaker. it's a breakwater."
"no it is not, it's a waterbreaker."
"who's the one who learnt geography here?"
silence engulfs us before he laughs, "breakwater, waterbreaker. who cares! it's the same, just said differently."
"right."
he sits next to me, and after a whole line of conversation, catching up on each other's lives, we seem to run out of things to say, and he rests his head on my shoulder.
"tired, aren't you." i say.
"yes. very." he answers quietly. i rest my head on his, taking in the scent; still the same as more than a year ago. memories are flashing in my head right now. we were barely fifteen then.
i lift my head and look over the horizon. from the corner of my eye, i see his eyes on me, so i return the stare. he smiles, and again, i copy his action.
we lean our heads closer to each other's, and before i realize what's happening, we kiss.
our second kiss, more than a year after our first.
his eyes are on mine--no, more like in mine. deep in mine. i remain silent, only words in my head being able to reveal my feelings.
he speaks. "be my girlfriend?"
i recall the day back in october last year, when i had requested for a relationship after having shared our first kiss. he had told me he'd think about it. is this his answer now?
i smile. it doesn't take a lot of strength for me to smile right now. nodding my head off, i empathize my acceptance, repeating over and over: "yes, yes."
with that, my crush of two years is now my boyfriend.
his arm around my shoulders, he nuzzles his head against my hair and states: "believe it or not... i'm never gonna leave you again."
i believe you. i believe you with all my heart. I love you. Irshad, I love you.
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i want you to know:
with everything, i won't let this go.
these words are my heart and soul.
i'll hold on to this moment, you know.
cause i'd bleed my heart out to show
that i won't let go.
i cried when it's within my reach, i cried when i've got it in my grip. i cried when i fought to keep it in my hands, i cried when it left. i cried when i was holding on to it so strongly; and now, i cry when i'm getting up once again on my feet.
if only i can have your hands in mine now, i just want to thank you. one last time, i just want to hold your hands, to show my sincerest apologies and gratitude. to share my tears with you one last time, to have you witness my first true smile since you left me, cause really. you taught me so much.
thank you.
thank you so much.
i have to move on. i shall. i shall move on now.
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