over the years.

Wataru has found his second gemstone! 300 more pages to go.

woke up in the morning with a horrible aching in my tummy, and i could barely move. before that, in my sleep, someone was telling me to run, and to never stop. i can remember neither who nor why.

now, i shall research stomach cancer. know the enemy to conquer the enemy.

*three minutes later*

there's bloody a lot of cheem words. i give up.

but i get the gist, having the symptoms of stomach cancer is a possibility of having just stomach ulcer. ah, aku tak faham ah. kau baca sendiri la. here .

you know, if The Boy was still here, he would be the one doing all the research for me.

heck, i wouldn't even have all this because i would have listened to him and eaten my medicine.

believe it or not my mom had asked me this morning if i'd like to go to the doctor. my reaction to that was just a glare and a telepathic it's too late! 

been listening once again to the soundtrack of Brave Story. after all these years. o! i'd like to point out something. during my psp days, i hadnt even met The Boy.

look what i found, from 2008.

what would i give to turn back time.

a few mornings ago, i was staring at my reflection with the clock behind me. i suddenly had this crazy idea which i put into action. guess what i did, i took down the clock and literally tried to turn back time.

i was counting the rounds i made with the clock hands, careful not to lose the dates, if you get what i mean.

nothing happened. i was still on the same day.

this was from more than two years ago.

haix.

come on, this shall be an Over The Years Special.

year 2009.

year 2010.

plenty of pictures with The Boy there. haix.

forget about 2011. it pains me. i shall go continue with Brave Story now.

Mr Syafie and Mrs Sherri.

right after morning assembly, my home tutor told me that mr syafie's looking for me. and the day hadn't even started but i'd already gotten suspended from class. again.

mrs woo came along and she said i have got talent (talking about my cheering comp vid) even though still a bit amateur, but got a little hint of professionalism. heh.

ms adimah came and was telling me about writing diaries, you can write all the negative things in it but at the end of the day you still have to say something positive about it. she was in the midst of giving me an example when she realised she was late for her next class. which was our english class.

mr syafie called me from afar, and told me to sit. i was like, uhm aren't you supposed to be in english now? and he's like, sarcastically, YES. and i'm like, uhm.

had a long chat, with mrs sherri coming along the way and joining, and there we were, talking and talking about life. i'd cried at one point, but the reason shall be a secret.

and some funny parts too, when they sang the song, and mr syafie's "three hours 60 minutes", mrs sherri was like, "4 hours lah bodoh, where got 3 hours 60 minutes!"

it's damn touching, and at one point they said: "6 more months and we'll be out of your lives." somehow, that really saddens me. all these years, i've always been getting myself into trouble with them over my hair and stubbornness to clip it up.

hm. i think i have different views about school now.

so anyway, i'd bumped into some stuff i had written two years ago. i really wrote a lot of songs for The Boy even then. the memories.

kay, i shall go write in my own diary about some other stuff now.

adventures!

heidiho. what happened to me yesterday you ask? another adventure, that's what!

yeah, a trouble adventure.

__________________________________
it's recess, and i'm struggling to get out of the crowd after buying my strawberry tea. finally i am, breathing in the air but i have barely loosened the bottle cap when i hear my name being called. uh-oh. it's mr syafie, and he's yelling, "e'indah, clip up your hair right now!"

i turn my back against him and walk away, but he chases after me and continues, voice raising, "clip up your hair NOW! you look TERRIBLE!"

he practically walks me over to the sinks, where i stare at the mirrors hovering above. the discipline master watches me admiring my reflection, until finally he comes over and asks, "why do you want to look like that, E'indah?"

i don't answer. i'm too busy wondering why my eyebrows are so messy. mr syafie loses his patience i think, because he is asking the same question again and again without waiting for me to answer. "are you going to clip up your hair? are you going to clip up your hair or not?"

well, it's a question, so i answer truthfully, "nope."

he asks me to repeat. the request was polite, so i obligingly repeat that one word. "nope."

he stares at me. i automatically offer, "just give me detention lah." damn, he looks really pissed off right now. he opens his eyes wide and practically screams, "i'm not even going to send you to class, you go to the office right now, and your conduct grade is doing down!"

not even halfway through his mash-up of three sentences at one go, and i'm already walking to the office direction. obediently, i bravely add. some of the juniors are staring at me, and i just want to punch their faces out right now. stop staring at me!, the inside of my head screams.

nonetheless, i remain emotionless surface-wise and sits at my make-up bridging desk. the last time i was here, i had been excited about shopping trip to bugis with The Boy and his twin. the memories really hurts.

as time passes, more and more memories return. come back! come back! but i know he would not. not now, anyway.

mr syafie comes along every now and again, asking whether i am ready to clip up my fringe or not. i am in a daze, so he is completely disregarded. where is The Boy? has he eaten? he's so handsome. he can't eat eggs. when is he coming home?

i end up missing up to 5 hours of lessons, but i just go O well.

the bell for 3.50 goes off, and POOF! i am a ninja now. i tiptoe towards the general office and peek over the corner. enemy is spotted, distracted by other students. i take the chance to dash past, and that i do. dash, i'm a ninja!

like slow motion, i see the discipline master staring at me from the conference room. i smile and casually walk from the tower to the bus stop, joining the other students huddle together to shelter from the splattering rain.

_______________________
as for today, i had gone to detention after school obediently. the teacher there was none other than my home tutor mrs cheryl chew, and she asked for my blue slip, which i had completely forgotten.

i was quietly doing my writing like a good girl but mr syafie had to keep coming and telling me to clip up my fringe, and i'm like aku buat kerja sendiri pun nak kacau. the second time he told me, he gave me an hour extra detention.

and then the fourth time, he said i'd better go to the office or he'd suspend me from school tomorrow. haiii.

anyway, i went solitary escapade today. to bedok, i really like it there! o and Man at the Taxi Stand, still no signs of him. hmm......

camwhored with syazana in the toilet earlier. my childhood friend, heh.

ripping out the feelings used to hold me into place. breaking out the structures i'd unfold at my disgrace. i'm digging deeper to lay my misery down into the water so that it may drown. a grey so dark, it moves in silence and kills again. A Grey So Dark, Trivium.

and no, i hadn't met with 'Irfan noorhalim today. maybe friday. imma force him to bring me up on the seashell pavillion like he and The Boy had nearly three years ago. attack, because i am a cheetah. he gonna get me up there or else.

hehe. bye.

p.s i wrote a lot about, tadah, 'Irfan noorhalim in my diary today. but no, no matter what, i have never had any form of attraction towards him.

Better Late Than Never.

gastric pains had came at 4 in the morning, and the very first person i had texted was 'Irfan noorhalim, practically begging him to listen to what i have to say asap.

the pain increasingly got unbearable, and for a cheem reason i ended up texting everyone a "Help." i couldn't stop crying and i was curled into a ball looking really pathetic.

hadnt wanted to go to school, but my parents had to come along and beat the shit out of me just because they dont believe that i was sick.

walked all the way to school, making it just a little after humans started, i think. phone was receiving lots of texts but hadn't replied any of them, and then mrs sherri had to keep asking me questions when i had no mood to talk at all.

she called me after class and asked what happened and whether i was unwell so i managed a nod and she felt my forehead. damn, when had been the last time someone did that? couldn't help it so i cried.

when sabrina passed me the bracelet during mother tongue, it made me cry more.

during recess, was making my way to the gym when i heard yao wei calling me to join them eat, but i was like no appetite and just made my way to the gym. was feeling damn sleepy so straightway lied down to sleep.

that was when i kept crying non-stop, like really non-stop. and i couldnt stop whining either, literally making those pathetic little sounds. took out the bracelet and ring from around my neck and stared at them both, just crying and sobbing and calling.

was falling asleep when i heard some voices, laughing and coming nearer. i jerked awake and sat straight, and there were some guys from 4/2 by the gym door looking at me laughing away. i was like What, never seen a human sleep before? bloody hell.

so anyway, had walked home after school cause i hadnt wanted to wait for the bus at the crowded bus stop, but i was afraid of bumping into The Boy if i took bus from central. so i ended up walking all the way home from school.

and damn it hurts, my head was throbbing and i see them ghosts everywhere.

had a nap, woke up feeling like i just went on a roller coaster for some reason, but i couldnt remember my dreams. went to tamp and bought myself a notebook with "Better Late Than Never" on its cover.

and that is why i still have hope for his coming back.

"home"town.

ow, my head still hurts a lot from the blows this morning. nngh. i have an explanation but we'll get to that when i feel like it.

anyway: this hometown sucks. i cannot wait to get the shit out of Pasir Ris. or better still, i can't wait to get the fuck out of this life. "all good things come to those who wait" indeed. and "believe it or not i am not going to leave you anymore" my ass.

that douchebag.

i'll share with ya my today tonight or somewhere along the line. i'm fucking thirsty right now.

Brave Story.

i just had a movie marathon with myself, a Nicolas Cage marathon. i think Knowing was cool, but it was a bit merepek. and National Treasure 2 was so full of Illuminati stuff, e.g. New World, Mason, Secret Society. i was playing a little mini game while watching it, searching for all the signs.

and that's how my Sunday morning had went.

somebody has been reading my 2008 posts. 

i shall do a little bit of writing in my diary these few days, because it's filing up pretty soon, and i'm already excited to get started on a new notebook.

you know, i'm still pondering over what to tell 'Irfan noorhalim. i'd like to ask him "How are you?" first, but he'd probably say something like "Cut to the chase, i don't have much time." unless i specifically tell him not to before he has the chance.

so. i am bored.

once i'm done with Floors, i can finally get started on Brave Story, Bureibu Sutori. damn i really miss that game. i'd nearly completed the whole thing already.



aww damn i remember that half-cat girl. yuno. and the chick with long dark hair. i remember them, oh how i miss that game so much.

what is your brave story? 

gastric.

the gastric's still here, and i think it is still the flu, not the ulcer.

not yet at least.

but i still refuse to take care of myself. i ain't gonna take medicine, and i'm still gonna drink milk tea as much as i want and eat fried stuff if i even feel like eating.

i'm just letting you all know, so don't even try and tell me not to do this this this that that that. i don't want to listen to anyone else. only The Boy can make me eat my medicine. in more ways than one.

Changi Airport. /Bedok

i just went on another solitary escapade. thought i'd explore a new neighbourhood, but i hadnt done that. i explored Changi Airport, and then Bedok Town Centre again.

had walked around T3, including staring at aeroplanes at the viewing plaza, before settling down at Dunkin Donuts. it was unusually crowded today, because i've never been on escapades during the weekend. the booth i usually sat at was occupied, unfortunately.

bought my iced coffee and sat at another table, writing and writing and writing. halfway through had a text from 'Irfan noorhalim, and maybe--maybe--he'd be able to make time to meet with me this wednesday evening.

oh, and i discovered something about myself. you know how some people specialise in music, while others in art, or sports, or sciences, or whatever. guess what i am? i'd like to say that my specialty is in literature.

sounds nice isnt it? i'm not art, definitely, despite having always thought that i am. after all, i only started drawing in, like, primary 5?

yeah kay. i hadnt gone to the other terminals today, just stayed within the third. went to the mrt station and was about to place 5 bucks and my ez link card on the counter, when i read the sign at the window which said: "NO TOPPING UP OF EZ LINKS HERE".

made my way to bedok next, bumping into Syeera along the way. chatted about our other colleagues for a bit before making my way off. 

once again the Man at the Taxi Stand wasnt there today. strange. met the cat with the Moon Rotating Earth eyes though.

did a beat of reading at the library, i've started on Floors some days back, it's about the janitor's son exploring the hotel they work at, because the late owner had left some puzzles for him to solve.

so yes, that is how my saturday had went.

to hell with everyone.

i am not. crazy . i dont need anyone's help with anything. at all.

dirty words and anger.

i fucking dreamt of the douchebag again, and this time he'd given me a notebook where he wrote his feelings in. on the cover is a graffiti art of my name which he had drawn.

he doesnt know all that he's causing me. this is not normal anymore, haikal dood keeps saying things like"everyone eventually thinks of their ex, it's okay, you'll get over it" and blah blah bloody blah like he really understands the situation i am in. and then he's like, oh, "i really want to help you but i really don't know how."

i hate everyone. i really hate everyone. as long as you're in my sight there's bound to be something about you that irritates me. all of you.

even when i am on solitary escapades, the freaking people in front of me walk damn bloody slow, especially those certain families walking like they own all the space in the world. jalan sudahlah lembap, jalan tengah-tengah dunia pula tu.

and yet those who are rushing, just have to hit onto my freaking right shoulder of all places. and when i am about to tap my freaking ez link card on the bus, the moron behind me always had to tap his when i'm the one who's next to the card reader. bloody hell, tak tahu sabar keper?

you know what irritates me the most? couples on escalators. minahs who ogle their eyes at me and talk in malay about my dressing, thinking i am a chinese. people who don't silence their phones in libraries.

bloody hell, only Bedok Town Centre doesn't consist of all these irritants. and not many people from pasir ris, so i won't bump into anyone i know, cause it'll just irritate me more.

i shall go explore a different neighbourhood today.

know why God made The Boy to be a douchebag? because he's the younger twin. God's only giving him reason to be hated and be murdered, because the younger one always dies. there hadn't been any need for The Boy to be made. at all. 'Irfan noorhalim was enough.

how ironic. The Boy had been the one to have saved me when i was about to kill myself back on the 2nd of November. but now, he's the one driving me into insanity. be it i die or he gets killed, it's still irony. isn't it funny? laugh!

i am crying right now.

you're right, who cares? everyone's asleep. clique hates me. the love of my life doesn't know all that he'd done to me.

i'm so sad. i'm really, really, really.

sad.

I HATE EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Grey So Dark.

i like the little patch that stays in your sight when you look away after staring at the sun. if you make it keep still for a moment, it kinda resembles a beating heart.

a beating heart. 

fuck. i am so pissed off right now.

yet i am sad.

Hello Tomorrow. [Fly Emirates Commercial 2012]

this is just beautiful. in terms of meaning and videography. i love it so much!

an anti-social feline.

it actually feels kinda nice walking around in my own neighbourhood in the morning. had gone to mac at elias mall to eat and slurp on iced latte while writing, before making my way to tuition at 9.30. (had stomach ache halfway, making me totally regret having eaten)

i understand vectors a lot more now, and it's kind of fun if you know how to do it. unfortunately for me i hadn't learnt it quick enough to do well in the vectors test i'd done back in school on wednesday. that's just me i guess, taking my time to learn.

a slow learner. in more ways than one.

the cats of elias mall whom i frequently meet with are jenny (the one i like to call purple), kuskus (the orange one with moodswings) and the big fat orange one whom i have not named. (although i've been friends with her since my primary school days)

today, i hadn't seen any of them, but i met an arrogant one in a whole new district in elias mall. new in a way that i hadn't seen any cats in that spot before. the three whom i'd mentioned usually linger around the coffeeshop by the newsstand, while the timid ones hide by the supermarket area.

so this arrogant one. it was sleeping, and i did the usual calling sound, but it totally ignored me. i saw it twitch in reaction to my call, but it hadn't done anything to regard my presence. i went over and petted it, and still, it refused to even open its eyes.

 my first impression of this cat was, arrogant.

well yeah maybe it's partially my problem for calling it when it was obviously sleeping.

so yes, that is how my friday morning had went.

honestly, i think metal and dubstep is the most wicked combination ever. but not many people had thought of mixing them, and i don't specialise in playing with audio, so i'm sticking to the dubstep remixes of Dying In Your Arms and Capsizing The Sea for now.

the drop in the former ain't that wow, honestly. but still a very nice remix.

*jump*

i checked out my blog stats, and i must say, what i saw really surprise me. i've got readers from the US!? and Brazil?! and Indonesia, and UK, and Spain!? readers, plural! holy firetruck !

i've got something to say to my readers, all of you. my axes! can you guys, like, i dont know. do something to indicate your presence? leave comments for example? follow?

checking out my stats right now and there are three people from the US reading my bloggie at this very moment. cool.

the library will be closed for good.

guess where i went today? on a solitary escapade.

which, tadah, sucked because i was supposed to meet with two people today. Haikal dood for some videography stuff, and Maya cousie for study session. both had been postponed/canceled.

woah. i never knew the past tense for Cancel only had one L.

anyways.

the Man at the Taxi Stand wasnt there again today. strange. it's been two days. where is he? hadnt seen him, but i met a strange stray cat whose eyes are of different sizes. one was unusually bigger than the other. like the moon rotating around the Earth.

went to drop As Easy As Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, and guess what! i hadnt gone in the library. isn't that very rare?

though i kinda regret now because the library'd be closed tomorrow since it's a public holiday. the sign had said: "the library will be closed for good."and i nearly fainted but it's "the library will be closed for good friday."

went to bedok point through an unusual route, where i slacked at the same cafe as yesterday and wrote in my diary. around 7, made my way to the bookshop i had found, and spent eons looking at the notebooks and other stationery, as always.

SHOOT, I JUST CHEWED MY NAIL A LITTLE TOO HARD AND MY FRONT TOOTH FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA DROP OFF ANYTIME NOW.

if you hadn't realized, i'd used the word "unusual" a lot today. that shall be the word for today: "Unusual".

oh, firetruck! there's like, fragments of a chipped tooth on the top of my bottom teeth now. great.

the story of the unusual ghost.

school's been dismissed, and i'm walking down the stairs having a conversation with jia yao about things regarding clique and douchebag. by the time we reach ground level i walk ahead, and i am halfway down the little stairs by the main gate when i see one of The Boy's ghosts.

i am about to disregard it like i do the rest, but wait! there're some strange things about this ghost. details that makes him the most special of all the ghosts of him i've seen before this.

first of all, i don't remember any memories of The Boy at the spot where he is standing at. next, he seems to be in communication with the human next to him, my classmate Amalina. last of all, the reason this ghost is unusual, is because, it is not a ghost.

it's the Real Deal.

holy firetruck! i can feel the whole world stopping its revolution right now. i look at my classmate, who is staring at me from her spot next to the love of my life. i find the strength to mouth, though with pauses in between: "who is that?"

she just looks at me for a second, and i'm afraid if The Boy turns around. i don't want to see his face.

he doesn't. instead, my classmate mouths back his name.

i find myself turning away, back up the stairs, hoping he wouldn't turn and see me. i push through the juniors walking my way, making my way back to the canteen. i hear jia yao's voice. i run to him.

"jia yao! jia yao!" i call. i try to keep my voice stable, but i can feel it breaking halfway through my next sentence, "he's at the bus stop, the douchebag's at the bus stop!"

i start crying, and tears are sliding down my cheeks, more gathering in my eyes. i manage a laugh, but it is so weak that it makes my voice croak more. i give up and continue crying til rayner has to give me all the tissues he has left.

he goes to the direction where the bus stop is, along with wei liat. jia yao stands here beside me, not knowing what to do. i am shivering. my knees tremble, so i try to keep them steady. i fail.

i cover my face and try my best to stop the tears. i resume more awkward laughs which still turn back to ugly croaks.

yao wei and jia yao make a plan. they suggest i walk along with them, right in the middle acting like big shots and pass him by. they tell me to point the finger at him as well.

as we walk pass the canteen, i hear faiz's voice yelling my name. i turn, and he says: "make sure you point both!" and points both of his middle fingers, as if making sure i would know exactly how to do it.

wei liat comes along and exclaims, "i join from behind, i support you!" and here we are, walking the tiny zebra crossing that leads us back to the little staircase by the main gate. the Aran boys chat as per normal, the usual perk and volume while i shiver from the excitement/nervousness.

what if he runs away?
what if they go over and talk to him?
what if he ignores them if they do?
what if he ignores them and comes straight at me?
what if he slaps my face?
what if they bash him up?
what if he bash them up?
what if i bash him up?
why is he here of all places?
why is he here of all times?
why must he be here of all people?

a million questions run through my head, but the only one that can be answered is not one of them: "what if he's not there anymore?"

because he isn't.

a special pink butterfly tee.

heidiho.

had left home in a skirt, but i freaked out when the bus hadnt even arrived yet. i ended up running back home and changed, tossing the skirt and pump shoes across my bedroom before putting on my skinnies and Nikes.

stripped off the gray hoodie and tossed my red and black one over my shoulder. lastly, traded the smile for a scowl. the only thing that remained was the pink butterfly tee.

looked into my reflection and was like. "Hello E'indah Wrister."and then i half-smiled like one of those douchebags who've got something up their sleeve.

i dont know why but i was so damn angry. i kept blaming The Boy.

want to know something ironic? that very skirt; the last time i had worn it was when i was slacking with them twins. the very first time all three of us had slacked tgt too. i remember so very clearly. had been with Shu Shan and Si Ying before i went to meet them.

anyway. had gone to Bedok once again. really, i do love the neighbourhood atmosphere there. sadly didn't see the Man at the Taxi Stand today.

had sat at this milk tea cafe writing in my diary. wrote for, like, 45 minutes straight. solid writing, occasionally sipping on the awesome milked tea (despite the Doc having told me to specifically avoid that).

i am not what my mom said. i am RIGHT in the head! bloody hell.

really. i'm so damn angry right now. libraries and cats are the only things in the world that can make me truly happy at this moment.

i'm so damn sick and tired. i really wanna toss everything that lands into my palms, up into the air; deny any responsibility passed to me.

Nadhie the Explorer.

i'm going out now. guess what i'm wearing? not my usual get-up. hehe.

goodbye! i'm going exploring. where you ask? i shall not tell you. shall get back to ya.

a rainy Wednesday.

i never realized that Nadhie is a shuffle of the letters in E'indah.

just talked with muzzy, he knew it was me after looking at my pictures in Fb thanks to my signature red and black hoodie. and then he said, after shuffling the letters in Nadhie he got E'indah. that's how he knew.

so anyway, just returned home from school. had reached class early and made myself cosy in my little corner of the classroom, had gotten lazy to tie my hair properly.

today wasn't so great. (then again my life these days has been pretty much screwed up) i couldnt be bothered to entertain anyone today, not even teachers. no strength, no mood, no energy and whatever else in between.

getting pissed off at the slightest things. sigh. i suck so bad that God doesn't even think i deserve to be put out of this misery via permanent sleep.

hate everyone. trust no one. love one. yourself.

mom thinks i'm not right in the head. i can't be, cause if i am, i wouldn't even admit it. of course i'm right in the head. i am. it's the whole world that's crazy.

pain comes in a package. it's a box wrapped with nice paper and a big fat ribbon, and inside it there's everything you need, to feel the most out of pain.

a little memory of Muzzy:

more than a year ago. he was referring to the Wrister girl.

......it's so damn unfair.

i loved him so much, yet he repaid me with all the pain there is he could give. three times! he's left me three times.

fuck it lah, shall write more of this in my diary.
referring to The Boy btw, not muzzy malek. obviously. sorry if my topic-jumping has been too abrupt lately.

coincidence.

so the strangest thing just happened.

had a friend request from none other than Muzzy Malek.

this is a direct coincidence between my dream and reality, they've always been linked metaphorically or in a roundabout way. never this direct. holy firetruck. strange isnt it?

now wondering whether to talk to him or not. does he know this is E'indah? what should i say? "woah, i just dreamt of you and now here you are", or "hey thanks for the add, who are you" or "thanks for the add, know who i am?"

-.-

or maybe he reads my bloggie and happened to stumble upon the part where i said he's been MIA, so he just added me to prove he hasnt deactivated any shit at all.

i've got my hair up now, want to see? as ms delsise would say: "this is a privilege. not a must."

once again, those eyebrows -.-

another unexpected character.

never noticed that i've had more than 1,400 blog posts.

had a dream this afternoon, in another nap. somebody unexpected once again.

i was with The Boy, eating at this fast food restaurant which i think was most probably Mac. he and i were talking, and he was laughing, when, in the distance, i saw maya my cousie standing and glaring at The Boy's back.

she had stood there for quite some time, but she never looked even once at me. eventually she turned and just walked off.

suddenly The Boy and i were in a car and he was driving. i looked out the window, and when i looked back in it wasn't the douchebag anymore. it was muzzy malek. his 17-year-old uncle.

i was falling asleep, and at one point i laid my head on his shoulder, which he shrugged off, but in a gentle sort of way. so i fell, and i had my head on the space behind him on his seat, if you get what i mean.

i remember that i started crying. i made some soft sobs, and i was covering my face with my palm while he, muzzy malek, he just drove on.

we got off at one point, and he had placed an arm around my shoulders. i looked up at him, and that was when the both of us smiled, at the same time, at each other.

he said: "do you have any money for us to eat something more fancy? cause i don't."

we walked on this road, in the middle of it, when maya came along, and we all started talking together. she looked so happy in the contrast to the glare she had given to The Boy earlier. i remember that she and muzzy were like chatting away and joking about some shit regarding me.

never thought that i would dream of him now. the other time i dreamt of 'Irfan noorhalim, unexpectedly as well. what do these two have in common? they're related. they're related to The Boy. The Boy and i have went to peninsula with them on separate trips before.

i should go on an adventure. mystery adventure that starts with a dream i had. who knows, i go peninsula and i find something that leads me somewhere else and then i meet someone who tells me stuff which i wasn't supposed to know and then blah3 idk what i am crapping but you get the idea i hope.

wouldn't that be fun, though? a distraction.

i realized that i had been dreaming about the zoo a lot lately. two nights ago there was the raccoon and the huge cockroaches on the walls, pretty much like the kampung house at the zoo that i had went with my family the other time.

something like that, yeah. if you cant tell its size, i suggest you compare it to the little plug at the bottom left. gross right? but cool .

anyway, in this kampung house there was also a little typewriter, and at the time of the zoo trip it happened to be that i was reading a book involving a typewriter as well. seems kinda nice, a typewriter that is. wouldnt mind owning one.

i've started reading As Easy As Falling Off The Face Of This Earth this morning, and i'm halfway through now. it's about a boy who's like, travelling to get somewhere, and the only thing he's got is luck.

so what happened to muzzy anyway? i can't find his facebook, did he deactivate it too? confession: i used to have a crush on him, back in the days when the D-cube just left me after first kiss. i remember so clearly muzzy started calling him Douche as well.

the pictures above, i have no idea what happened to my eyebrows. you can barely see them right? cool kan.

mind pictures.

as you can see, i am not in school. had another bad night last night. sigh. when is this going to end?

you know how some headaches play with the scales in your head? okay, i have no idea how to put it in words but yeah, that's how i've been feeling these days.

and then there's the image of being sucked in from outer space. from outer space, not into.

i had a vision last night. a random scene being played into my head for no particular reason. not a dream. i was lying on the road, looking at the sky. there was The Boy's face staring down at me.

there was something about Post-its. i was saying something, i was saying his name. he had said something as well, he had interrupted me.

o yes. the MBWOE. he had told me to write a letter to the MBWOE. he said, "don't waste your strength on me, use your strength to write to her instead." and then he gave me these post-its and a pen.

that was not a dream... i don't remember it being a dream. i don't know how i know, but i do know.

must be mind pictures. mind pictures. mind pictures. hallucinations. hallucinations, imaginations, hallucinations. mind pictures. imaginations.

bloody hell, someone kill me already.

sleep.

eyelids heavy, but don't want to dream.

sleep is an escape. it is a comfort. it is the best things in the world to be doing with someone, you sleep with your parents as a baby, with your girlfriends during sleepovers, and the love of your life.

dreams are always portrayed to be pleasant. "good night, and sweet dreams."

nightmares occur more than the sweet dreams. to me, at least. they remind you of memories you'd rather forget, give you hope for the wrong things, make you fall for people you've never met.

sigh. this life... truly is nothing but a game.

i give up. this sucks.

a memory.

long gone.
or maybe it's coming back.

it's nearing me once again. i can feel it.

is it nearing me to come back to me? or is it nearing me just to merely pass and brush against me, emphasizing the fact that it is not returning?

i'm damn aware that i am bringing this pain all onto myself.

shut up. shut up. shut the fuck up, all of you. he's coming back. he's definitely coming back. he's either coming back, or i kill him, or he beats the shit out of me. either 1.

this picture really paints a million words.
sigh.
i'm not even angry right now.

i'm just... disappointed.

really.

just disappointed.

Mason.

had heard this song when i was at vivo the other week.never would have thought that it's cascada. (this song is not on par with the theme of this post)

so today, i hadn't made way for the ghosts when they were in my way. in fact, the road was damn spacious but i purposely went their way, and through The Boy's. he just continued talking, disregarding me like i was with him.

bastard.

why is it the heart that feels the love, and the forlorn? why toss all the joy and pain onto this little thing that's already got the job of pumping blood into other parts of the body?

I NEED A BREAK.

i need to go for a run, without mercy nor caring about my lack of stamina, or cycle and hit the front brakes so i'd be thrown onto the road. i really need to get sense knocked into me, literally.

i need one more shot of pain, physical, to get over this. once, when the Douchebag had left me right after having shared our first kiss, i had kept wishing that he had beaten me up instead of leaving without a word.

do i need him to beat the crap out of me right now? yes. or not, i'd just kill him first.

had completed Mason, that book is damn sadist. i shall let the sadisty engulf me the way heartbreak had.

idk why i am like this. i am so damn sick and tired of having mixed feelings. i hope this hate lingers, i hope the love doesn't conquer it again, on and off, the way it had always done the past years.

Will. Courage. Effort. Patience. Hope.
my 5 most important values in life. they'd work for everything, even for hating someone.

so damn. sick. and tired. this life is a game, and i am running out of health points. i can't find those little things that gives HP when you break crates or whatever shit. just running with the infinity shotgun.

the weapon's all i've got.

and that's what life is all about.

pain.

The Boy causes:
emotional pain = physical pain = mental pain.
and how is The Boy impacted? obviously by none of that.

the girl causes:
none of that. he's going on so perfectly strong with his own life.
and how is the girl impacted? all 3 of the causes.

so cruel. the world is so cruel. the world gives me nothing but pain.

pain, pain, pain, pain. if you say the word a lot of times, eventually you lose the flair of it on your tongue. you grow numb to the pain. how ironic. 

pain, pain, pain. pain, without love.

quick update from school !

heidiho. currently at the sch library, and my typing is really making a din here among the silence, so better cut the cheem english and update quickly. aft all, this is a quick update. so let's go.

had a dream last night about a big-eyed raccoon wrapping its claws around my neck and attempting to strangle me. that's just a sumamary, shall elaborate when i get home. and anyway this keyboard is so difficult to type on.

clack clack clack clack clack of the freaking annoying typing.

btw. i am damn serious about what i had said last night.

that fucking liar.

so once again i had broken down this evening. in my private little sanctuary, as always.

i hit my head at an edge today, and it made a sickening thud. it still hurts, i hit like, the side of my forehead. i dont know what the hell happened, one second i was staring at D-cube's picture and the next i was crouching by my desk with my head in my hands.

idiot. most Moronest Moronic Moron in the world. if only that incident had made me lose my memories or something. kalaulah, kalaulah aku terlibat dalam kemalangan yang menyebabkan aku tidak menyedari diri langsung. (once again, chey Melayu sey)

sigh, but really.

it's been two months. not that i'm counting. but yeah. this sucks. Cousie is right, i can't be alone or i'd start thinking of all the wrong things, things i shouldn't be thinking, or to summarize my thoughts: the wrong person to be thinking of.

THAT FUCKING LIAR!

HE SAID, HE SAID TO ME ON THE NIGHT WE GOT ATTACHED. HE SAID, "BELIEVE IT OR NOT I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU AGAIN." AND THEN HE HUGGED ME, AND I DID, I DID BELIEVED HIM.

HE LIED .

he fucking lied to me! somebody should just take a knife and stab it through his heart. he's done so to mine so many times, but that's metaphorically. someone should let him go through it physically, maybe i should let E'indah do the honour.

the day i wear my white specs in public again, will be the day all Hell breaks loose. i promise you.

that fucking liar. he's going to die. 

unused stationery and unwatched videos.

this is the only place in the world where you can see pictures of me without my hair covering half my face.

had gone to tamp library today, after a hearty lunch at burger king. finished up Split, and went to pay the fine that asleah had cost me. blah3 walked around the three malls of Tampines, i was with my bro btw.

i seem to love stationery so much. okay, i am stating the long obvious. stationery and books, all kinds of books, notebooks especially.

what do we have to talk about today? okay, for the fun of it, i shall share with ya the many stationery i found while searching for them post its last night which i had taken into my possession from my negligent bro.

1. 4 unused exercise books (no name even)
2. a yellowish green clear folder
3. a box of 12-colours marker pens (with the red missing--of all colours)
4. an empty purple file

what frustrates me most is the discovery of many P4 and P5 assessment books which were left undone. i swear, if i hadnt had anything better to do i would have taken them all and done them myself. what a waste!

yeah it kinda pissed me off when i found all those books. just last year i had went searching my older brother's room for his old assessment books, and i found many N and O level stuff, which i had taken in. (he dropped out of school in sec 3)

so anyway.

just recalled. i had made a video to the instrumental version of How To Save A Life, The Fray, which had explained shit between the D-cube and i back in 2010. it ain't in my account because i didn't upload it, and it had remained unwatched in my WMP for eons since.

at the end of it, i had also mentioned a Part 2, but i guess i never got along to doing that. shall i? hehe. while i'm still getting over the fear of Re:The World Calling's planned venue. i just enjoy making smaller-scaled videos while planning a big one, i guess. all these AVSSSes. gah.

you know, i've never had anyone make a video especially for me before. yeah, i've made one for myself, but that should not count at all. the MKI had mentioned making a "project" for me back last august, tapi batang hidung pun tak nampak?

o well. who knows in the future i meet some guy who wants to tackle me, and makes a video as a step towards melting my ice-cold heart. (chey macam faham) kalaulah. 

o, o. look at this . i see me . heh.

somebody should remix our class cheers from last year and this year, and then we can perform as flashmob. that'll be cool, and we can invite the guys from ITE as well.

aw, hell. guess what song just came on? Hero, Mariah Carey. damn coincidence. i had made an AVSSS to this song for 4/2 2011 once. our last day .



i heard that this had made farhan and faiz tarmizi cry like shit when they first watched it. it hadnt made me when i was making it, but now, as Nadhie, it does make me miss being that girl in red specs.

a dream of a boy which made me smile.

i found the freaking post its. they were in the drawer in the living room all along, and this morning i actually went digging around behind my bro's desk. ugh.

anyway, a very good morning to you all my axes. today is the first day of the month, first day of the month April, and April Fool. i've got no tricks up my sleeve though, maybe just a few for my bro.

i had a dream last night/this morning. it was mostly classroom scenes this time. i can't remember positions, but there was something about us being transported to this other dimension and then in the end some fairies gave edmund and i these pieces of paper which would take us back home if we were to wish on them.

o and guess what? remember the 'crush' i mentioned some time earlier in this bloggie? okaaaay. in the dream, there was one part i was sitting at his place. we were doing some work and i had called out to him to ask him how to do some shit.

so he came over, and i was like talking the part which i didn't understand, something like that, when he sat on the back of my chair and placed his chin on the top of my head as he looked my paper.

it was like normal ah, i didn't react to that and just continued talking. and then at one point he wrapped his arms around my neck, his chin still on my head.

like WOAH right? hehe. and then at the end of it all, i think he taught me how to do or something, and then i said thank you. he had turned his back towards the class and silently kissed my temples, twice. then he laughed, and i looked at him, and then i smiled.

heheheheheh! XD like so cool. okay yeah i must admit, when i woke up, remembering this dream made me smile in bed, while any dreams about the D-cube always make me cry in bed. soooo yeah, you get my point, i think.

anyway, i shall go fondle with the stationary i have on my desk right now.

POST ITS!!!!!!!!!!!

been searching the whole house for the freaking post its that nazriq had bought some months ago but hadnt use. i failed, but i found so many other kind of things. stationary that he hadnt used, and old photos/letters off my years in primary sch.

anyway, i am so damn bored now.

second attempt.

i'm so tired now! damn, had a lot of fun.

so today, the dream i was having about The Boy had been interrupted by nazriq who had to come along and wake me up cause he wanted to go out eat. so went to ws to eat Kfc before going to the library to do a little bit of homework.

when we got home, i suddenly had this urge to go out cycling, so that was what we ended up doing. brought along his bike, and then made our way to PRP to rent one for me.

a lot funny shit as always, too tired to go into details!

that was my second independent cycling, and second try going to prp without being affected by the memories. i'm still a failure at the latter.

gonna be doing my homework now, and then a bit of self-studying. E'indah kata, "kalau awak tak buat kerja rumah, awak jangan nak pergi menjelajah!" chey, Melayu sey.

hope.

had a nap. and i dreamt of The Boy himself.

you all know how much i take my dreams seriously. this one just adds to my amount of hope i've put on his coming back. and yes, he's going to come back. he's definitely coming back.

a dream of the least expected.

so i dreamt this morning, and it made me wake up at 1.24 am.

someone had brought me to the zoo, can you guess who it was? we were walking toward this wall that had the word Zoo on it, and then he told me to jump over it cause that's the only way in, so i did, right after him.

an orang utan was also jumping in at the same time, and we must have shocked the shit out it cause it placed a hand over its heart and stared at us wide-eyed. and then it smiled and bowed, gesturing into the zoo with the welcome look.

i had said thank you to it, and then he took my hand and brought me to the glass, where there were two women playing with this cheetah. i remember very clearly it was a cheetah.

at first it had looked bored, watching the two women cooing over it. then one of them attempted to pat it, and that was when i had said to the boy i was with, "hey, it doesn't look too happy."

the cheetah, who had been lying down, started to sit up. the women continued to coo over it, and i saw it frown. i started saying to the boy i was with, "eh, eh. it looks angry. it looks angry!"

the big cat started pacing menacingly towards the women, and the woman who had tried to pat him earlier started to look scared as well, and she and the other were walking backwards.

i saw the cheetah pounce on her, and that was when i whipped my head around so i wouldn't see anything.

i started screaming, "i don't want to see anything! she's going to die!" and then i wouldn't stop screaming, not even when the boy i was with held me in his arms. i was wriggling away trying to squirm my way out of his grip, screaming non-stop about not wanting to see anything.

eventually my screams started to get covered by that of the women.

i remember being very scared. i covered my eyes and kept screaming til i saw an exit at the corner of my eye, and i immediately dashed out, and guess what i yelled at that moment?

can't remember my exact words, but i had yelled out something about not wanting 'Irfan noorhalim there, but The Boy.

get it? so, this dream hadn't consisted of The Boy. only his freaking twin bro. but it still made me cry.

hide and seek.

oily marks appear on walls, where pleasure moments hung before this takeover, this sweeping insensitivity. 

i have not seen The Boy's face for nearly two months now. part of me wants it to remain that way and more, another part of me wants to see him more than anything else.

i'm scared of how i'd react. currently he ain't even in singapore (information from 'Irfan noorhalim) so i'm safe for now, i guess.

safe from what, you ask?

Aran. /the Man at the Taxi Stand

so today i had decided to stay in class during class, and coincidentally jia yao, yao wei, wei liat, manfred and daniel were doing maths in class as well. was kinda sleeping when wei liat started singing, and at one point he sang out my name with the Nur as well.

turned and looked at him, and then he was like, "Nur E'indah.... come join our clique~" believe it or not that had made me smile so widely and genuinely.

along came ms adimah to kick us all out cause aft all we hadnt been supposed to be there during recess. was walking along the lane towards the stairs by audio lib, when i heard yao wei calling my name.

stopped and turned, then he and jia yao were like, "eh want come sit and eat with us or not?" i was like wide-eyed, and he just gave me this nod that meant, like, Go on. so i gave a slight nod, and then he was like, "come ah."

walked over to them and was like, "-.- are you serious?" and then jia yao was like, "i'm serious, i am dead serious." and i was like WOAH.

so yeah, jia yao led me to their table where cedric, chengyong and shangyi were already at. i stood there awkwardly and then cedric looked up at me and was like, "eh, sit down ah."

chengyong was like, "what happened? something happened in your clique? they give you problems ah?" so i was like, "nah, none of that. i was the one who decided to leave."

and he and cedric really listened to me sey, like, wow. aww. been eons since i last had a proper conversation with them, esp cedric whom i've been classmates with in sec 1, 2 and 3. those were the days.

rayner sat opposite me as he ate, and then i asked him, "so why did jia yao and yao wei suddenly invited me to sit with you guys?"

so the explanation: nicholas had told them that he didnt want me to be lonely, so he had asked the guys to invite me sit and eat with them during recess.

and then rayner added: "so the keyword is. eat. sit with us, and eat. why havent you ate anything -.-?"

when walking back to class, syazana came along and started telling about what she'd heard at the general office, and then yao wei was like, "eh syazana go away ah, you not our clique!" that made me O.O does that mean i am? 

and then during english, when ms adimah had asked me where's my paper, jia yao was like, "eh e'indah now my friend. whoever disturb her i will whack", something like that.

when he was saying that, he was like walking past pearl and asleah and i was like O shit why did he have to say that right there dammit. 

but still, kind of sweet. texted nicholas telling him how lovely i thought the people in his clique really are. saw him after school across the road, had wanted to go over but didnt know whether to jaywalk or not, so ended up just waving.

and then it was my solitary escapade.

went to bedok again, which made it three days in a row now. here's what i have noticed.

at the taxi stand of bedok town centre, you will see an old man. this man, if you were to give him a little something, he would give you back twicefold.

go and see for yourself, he's been there the past 3 days that i visited the neighbourhood. i think i'm going to make a video about him one day. when i get a really good camcorder/DSLR that can record.

anyway. i have planned a lot more stuff for the music video to Re:The World Calling. i must say, i am pretty excited about this one, although i'm still scared at the fact that most of the filming is at PRP, the place i fear the most right now.

this one has no deadline, but i still ain't gonna take my time. as mr syafie said this afternoon, who knows if Angel of Death decides to pay an abrupt visit.

o and, wai kit said my current Fb pic is nice and, believe it or not he had used the word chiobu. kay three things surprise me.

1. i thought chiobu means something bad?
2. you calling me pretty bruh?
3. who uses that word nowadays?

still flattering though, but then again. kalaulah. 

septembers.

changed my blog song. i kind of think this is a sorta-like 'angry' song. anyway, i feel like it, so let's talk about all the Septembers in my life that i can remember.

2011.

first ever sleepover involving friends from sch, breathing difficulties with the then boyfriend, all-out bonding with the classmates.

2010.

still the very happy person i was. loved everyone in the clique so much. had the douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag as my brother. found a new hobby in walking. tried to tell The Boy my feelings for him on my 15th birthday. failed. miserably.

2009.

14th birthday with the then ultimate best friend. admitted crush on The Boy. wrote many songs about it but didnt say a word.

AH, GODDAMMIT, YOU SEE. everything involves the douchebag. dammit. this sucks. life sucks indeed. sadness won't dissolve. eyes won't dry out of tears. brain won't forget. memories won't erase. ghosts won't go away. The Boy doesn't die.

had a sudden flashback earlier. i saw, in my head, 'Irfan noorhalim, the D-cube and i standing in this little circle, and 'Irfan was screaming, "i'm so ashamed to be your twin brother!"

it was a flashback. maybe it was a dream, i dont know. just a sudden recollection, but i have no idea where it had originally came from.

a book! about The Boy. so the world can know my story without knowing my name.

ah, dammit. i think i shall change my blog song each day, depending on my mood.

i think i am going to sleep now. eyelids are heavy, but only God knows if i end up staying up wide awake til 1 am despite literally going to bed 3 hours before. so damn unpredictable.

anyway, about the september in 2010 thing. yeah, i had tried telling him i like him. we were lying down at the top of 500A as always, on the 20th, one day after my birthday.

when he had to go, i had decided to stay, so we parted ways after giving one last hug. when he was gone, i looked at my phone. had one of the notes on my main screen, saying: "i shall tell him on my 15th birthday."

at that moment, i suddenly had had all the courage in the world.

i looked down, and there he was, going down the carpark stairs. i had called out to him, i had called out his name. unfortunately he had his headphones on, and for all i remember he had been blasting his metal the whole time.

yeah. unfortunately. for me.

imagine how things would have turned out instead, if i had told him then.

until now, i really regret having not ran down after him that day. one of my biggest mistakes in life.

i just received a letter from the NLB, and guess what? i have got fines for overdue books. which shocked me, since i'd always returned my books way on time.

all this while i had been denied the borrowing of one more book which i'm actually supposed to be allowed, and now i know why. but the thing that frustrates me right now is, the book which had caused me all this problems with the library is the book that asleah had borrowed under my name some eons ago.

i'm damn frustrated right now, pissed even. had reminded her so many times, and on the due day itself she told me she had returned it already. and yesterday, i asked her again, she said yeah she returned. so why the hell is the book in the list of overdue items under my name?

okay yeah i'm damn pissed now. better go pay the fines soon so i can borrow more books.

i had told you guys that i was going to sleep, 20 minutes ago.

Bedok lib with Cousie

so today. had went on my solitary escapade to Bedok as mentioned. and guess what? met up with Mayang cousie!

the freaking Programme Room, its door is like, unnoticeable, and i thought they were automatic. apparently they were not so i had stood there like some dumb moron waiting for christmas.

its door seemed to camouflage with the rest, it's like a piece of glass with no handles or 'push' label. how would i have known? only when i saw a live demonstration was i like OH!

had warned Cousie beforehand, cause i know how blurblock she can be as well sometimes.

the freaking table we had sat at was freaking squeaky, and the room was really quiet so we had been damn careful with every little movement. had laughed a lot, just like old times.

damn i missed her so much. heh.

borrowed books, before making our way to kfc to have our dinner tgt. met up with my mom, and then eons later parted and here we are.

had been given detention today, but i hadnt gone cause mr syafie always seems to forget. and then during humans, had debated with mrs sherri. yeah, i hadnt gotten what she meant. but she hadnt gotten what i meant either. o well.

i'm kinda impressed with my own reading speed these days. i'd started Me, the Missing, and the Dead this morning and completed it within a few hours. and tomorrow morning, or maybe even tonight, i would start on Split.

want to hear something?

once i, chuang tsu, dreamt i was a butterfly, fluttering here and there; in all ways a butterfly. i enjoyed my freedom as a butterfly, not knowing i was chuang tsu. suddenly i awoke and was surprised to be myself again. now, how can i tell whether i am a man who dreamt that he was a butterfly, or whether i am a butterfly who dreams that he is a man?

means a lot, doesnt it. a quote by Chuang Tsu, had been written at the beginning of Split.

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. o yeah, i'm still calling you Douche.

gonna ciao.

sometimes i really detest myself for not being able to get straight to the point. i tend to go around the bush especially when sharing something like my sadness, or pain.

anyways, this is just a quick update, going to Bedok library now. being drowned in paragraphs written by other authors are eons better than being engulfed by my own feelings.

and, being lost on a solitary escapade is eons better than being on your own in a place where you expect to have all your familiarities with you.

i really am on the verge of giving up. really.

but not yet.

for now.

the things that make me happy.

heidiho.

i met up with my maternal grandfather today, and we ate at The Chicken Rice Shop @Bedok Point. i've always loved the way he laughs, and once again, i felt so happy that i'm sad.

had went to the library at Bedok, and damn. i wanna go there again tmrw. hadnt been able to borrow any books, so i sped read King of the Screwups and returned it, enabling my card to borrow one more book, heh.

had spent eons around the fiction section, carefully choosing the book that i really really wanna borrow. finally decided on Creature of the Night, and was just about to check out that book, when i caught a glimpse of another.

i was like HOLY SHIT! guess what the book is? it's Brave Story!

*far-away gaze* back in the days, when i was barely thirteen... when i still had that beautiful PSP the colour of the goldest gold i had ever seen. Brave Story had been the game. damn, i had loved that very game so much!

but the beautiful PSP just had to disappear.

and the last that i had heard from my character had been, like, 4 years ago.

so yeah, had ended up borrowing that book instead, after returning the previous one to where i had found it. walked outta the library a happy little girl.

yeah, surface-wise.

gonna go back there tmrw, maybe to do my homework as well. that makes me happy (surface-wise), to be alone at a table that i have all to myself. i so dislike sharing tables, and i have no idea why, kinda. guess i just like the personal space.

what else makes me happy? cats. especially those 6 felines at guilley, good ole guilley. and yes, guilley makes me happy as well, the people there, cause they all regard my presence.

writing. writing makes me happy, even though what i am writing about are the saddest things ever. the irony of writing.

walking. i leave home feeling downright horrible, and on those walks i'd start thinking of sad things and start going depressed, but at the end of it, i unlock the gates of my house feeling happier than i was before.

and i just like to explore places where i've never been. that seems to be smth i've been doing a lot lately. gonna explore bedok tmrw, hopefully i wont get lost cause i dont know any friend who lives in the district.

i'm not going to mention people, because the title of this post is things that make me happy. not people. and anyway, you axes should know really well who would really make me truly happy right now.

been sighing a lot lately. i mean, who doesnt right?

God.

what. where. who. WHY.

i have got homework to do.

why tell you, you ask? just sharing. what's stopping me from doing my homework? myself.

when you guys read my bloggie, dont you guys feel like, malas nak layan? all i ramble on and on abt is The Boy here. i dont even talk abt MBWOE in my personal diaries as much as this.

the other time, kak siti was like, "you have a boyfriend, right?"

i was like, "we broke up."

and then she was like, "aw man, come on, you deserve better than that."

do i? but i'm an immature brat. no other guys had put up with my childishness the way he had all these years. ugh, dammit dammit dammit. no no no. what the fuck, E'indah.

E'indah, or isit Nadhie? now you fear looking into mirrors, not because of what you'll see behind you, but because of what you'll see inside you.

uuuuggghhhh E'indah Nadhie Wrister!

no, Nur E'indah Nadhirah Bte Md E'esa. what is it tht you really want? where do you want to be?  who do you want to be, and WHY? why? why why why, isit because of a boy? or because you want to?

Goddammit, girl. i dont even know which name to address you as. imma call you Douche from now on, until you find out who is it that you really want to be for the rest of your life. stupid Douche.

go do your homework now, Douche.

the saddest day of my life so far.

so today i am very sad.

who cares right? naw, just sharing. i was very sad the whole of today, maybe cause i had woken up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe it was a dream i had had last night, maybe maybe maybe. but i dont know.

anyways... today had meant a lot to me. but i'm too embarrassed to elaborate. and idk if you understand what crap i am crapping right now. as long as i understand myself, tht'd be good enough.

ok, i stop crapping.

so today, had been the saddest day in my life so far. sad because some things made me so happy til i cried non-stop, sad because some things made me reminisce some sweet memories tht are long gone, and sad because of some stuff tht just makes me, well, sad.

"hello E'indah!"


"bee, you're actually really pretty you know, bee."


"i miss talking to you."

it's the simple things which make you happy, that can make you your saddest as well. like they say, the person who can make you the strongest has the ability to make you at your weakest as well.

ugh. Goddammit. why am i being like this...?

this life is a dream.

so here i am, with a blogger template.

and here i am, still unawake.

so ppl have been telling me to wake up and all tht shit cause of the fact tht im still hung up on a D-cube. i've got smth to say... i alr am awake.

he and i were saying, how being tgt was very much like a dream. to me because i finally got him as my boy, and to him because he finally admitted his feelings for me.

i had found it damn difficult to believe the fact tht he came back for the second time. i still dont believe it, actually.

we were talking abt comas. and then i said tht being tgt with him is a dream i am having during mine, and i dont want to wake up ever.

he was saying, when ppl are in coma, they will wake up in 2 weeks (or was it months, idr), or not, it means tht person is a gone case alr.

we both smiled, and then i said i didnt want to wake up ever. and he said he wont let me wake up. (then we both laughed cause it had sounded damn busted.)

but i did.

and here i am. so why are there still ppl telling me to "wake up"? arent i alr awake? wasnt my happiness all a dream?

ugh, so i switched back to normal template and my sidebar is full of 2008 stuff now.

i shall go edit some stuff, be right back.

so i just upgraded my Blogger and everything looks mighty bizzaro now. have gotten too used to the old one, cause aft all i've been blogging with tht look for years now.

 anyways, didnt go to sch today. had a gastric attack when i woke up, was so damn painful tht i was like, i dont wanna go sch. so i didnt.

what have i done the whole day you ask?

 i slept.

just woke up like, at 5? and then i did maths tuiton hw, and fondled with the dozen notebooks i have on my desk. there was a thunderstorm and one of the rumbles had shocked the shit out of me.

currently listening to Space x Time, Dana Harmon ft Maika Maile.

 i guess i truly am stubborn, and yeah, i just denied all the help tht ppl had been trying to offer, breaking off from all pillars of support just cause they aint the boy.

this pic was from dec 2010. it's the inside of my cupboard, o God. i am feeling deja vu. okay, shall blog later. am getting a mighty headache now.

btw, bloody hell. the new Blogger format sucks!

another crappy compo .

i have done my english compo. another crappy storyline, but at least it's unique. and language-wise it's good too.

it's abt this dude who meets this other dude and they went off partying and doing all sorts of things which 14-year-olds shouldnt be doing, and then the main character, whose name i didnt mention once in the compo, ends up crying and regretting.

i realized tht the remaining ppl tht i trust now are all scattered. syazana, nicholas, natalee, maya to name a few. scattered in a way tht we aint in one group in any ways at all.

bila mau buat video.

i bought an l-shaped file today, with a lovely cat on it, eating a chocolate. it's so damn cute, o and guess what! the cat is white, so it's like translucent, and i see my beautiful handwriting all over its big head now.



i love cats so much you know. i dont even rmb being taught tht dogs are haram to us. this morn, i overheard the little malay girl from loyang pri (i see her every morn) saying, "i hate dogs! i like cat. i like cat."

eh sia la. i dont wanna run tmrw.

i'm a frog now, jumping from one lily pad to another.



been listening to cell block tango again, the last time i had the marathon was like december 2010.

okay dah, aku nak tido. goodnights!

the first day of the week .

i have just finished with Shift. gonna start with King of the Screwups tmrw morn. or maybe tonight aft ive finished with my hw.

so how was my today you ask? you know what? in the morn when i was packing my bag, i suddenly had this intuition to bring extra book. then i was like, k nvm then i took it out again.

and guess what, during reading, siying came along and asked if i had extra book cause she hadnt brought hers. i was like holy shit! why didnt i trust my freaking intuition again.

this always happen, i get a feeling to do smth, but then i dont do it. and then smth happens later which makes me regret not doing it. frustrating, yes indeedy.

so anyways, i had went to the canteen for the first time in weeks to buy milo, to drink with the tiger mini which i had brought along to sch today.

was supposed to meet qinhan, but i completely forgot. he has smth to pass to me, a memento from january 2008, or maybe even earlier than tht. cant wait to embarrass myself thru all the reminiscence.

so anyway, aft sch, met wai kit. he had came to take his o level cert and all the stuff, but before tht we had sat at the canteen talking abt o levels, his and mine.

hadnt seen him for really long alr, so yeah we had a lot to catch up. he said my voice like break like tht, wow .

around like 430, made our way to ws where we splitz cause i was meeting naz to eat mad jack. bumped into syazana pulak, with her mommy so we all chatted awhile.

as always, laughed a lot while eating, and then we made our way to lib where i was in another dilemma between a book from the 10-12 section and another from the adult section. in the end, borrowed the former, under my bro's name cause loan quota had been reached, dammit.

spent eons at popular aft tht, laughing at the slightest shit. liang ling tang, liang ling tang, liang ling liang ling taaaang. (to the tune of jingle bells.) and then liang ying tang appeared just as we were singing another round.

liang ying's sis, the fencer yupp, is my bro's classmate btw.

and then blah3 i am home.

so wai kit had given me a lot of encouragement earlier. he said he had slacked his way thru the first half of 2011 , and only woke up in like june. he had maintained his n level grades sia, his o level grades were like the same.

had told him my targets for my Os. he said he better not see any Cs on my o level cert, and i was like ok, naw problemo.

kalaulah.

kay. i've got stuff to do . go listen to this .

heartless .

went to the library today . borrowed 4 books, very happy now .

then again, tht's just surface wise.

had sent a slipper flying earlier, and it shocked the shit out of the woman who was passing by. tht was probably the only thing which had made me smile from within today.

so anyhoos, bila mau buat video? might have some ideas for re:the world calling, without requiring anyone's help apart from a few parts here and there.

but. i'm still fearful of some places in pasir ris. esp the venue where i'd planned to film at. o well. i'm the strongest girl in the world.

i'm heartless, because my heart was taken by someone who refuses to give it back to me.

he had taken it from me, because he said it was a beautiful heart. he had taken care of it at first, but i dont know what happened.

he broke it, right in front of me. i thought he'd return the pieces back to me so i could try to put my heart back tgt again, but no. he threw them away instead.

bila mau buat video.

okay, you know what. i'm gonna pop by prp this week and start filming all the shit, all at one shot. fully focus on what's in the camera, and not anything around me. and i'd cycle down so i dont have to suck in the views with the effing memories if i walk.

stupid ghosts.

yeah sure, you guys are beautiful. but really unnecessary. forgive me, but i'm just gonna crash into you guys if you happen to be in the way, which is all the time, actually. assholes . idiot best friends. idiot brother and sister. idiot couple .

beautiful, but unnecessary . aaahhhhh i know they're just my imagination. but i still cant control myself from not seeing them . aaahhhhhhhhhh i am so sick and tired of life.

no. rmb what azreenie said. "hidup susah, tapi mati pun tanak." it's true. soooo. not yet. not yet. see what happens .

i had a long afternoon nap. i had dreams.

when i awoke and realized tht i'm back to reality, i had begged God to bring me back to the dreamworld.

wouldnt it be nice if sleep is permanent.

shut up, i know what i'm saying. yes, i mean wouldnt it be nice to break off from the world for the rest of my life. to die.

what is this mysterious grumbling in my tummy .

i've got the smth-turning-in-my-tummy feeling shit again. dammit. this gastric flu really sucks.

my karangan draft .

a very good morning to you all my axes.

i am currently doing karangan, because cikgu fatimah kata, "kalau awak tak buat kerja saya, awak duduk di luar kelas hingga ibu bapa awak jumpa dengan saya" . and anyway, i do have a nice story plot to share with the world, beginning with my blog readers.

the topic is, write abt an incident which made you realize the importance of money.

i had started off by saying did you know tht money is actually not made of paper like how many ppl think? actually, money is made from cotton.

and then the flow of the story would be starting from my family's finances, how i got a job which pays cash weekly, and then i had a lot of money, keep spending more than usual.

and then one day, i found out i am broke. eventually i got stressed, and started tearing my stuffed animals, and when the cotton was all over the place, i started realizing how important money is and tada it's done.

macam merepek gitu kan? o well, at least it's unique. cikgu fatimah will be so pleased tht i did her work.

i call you my axes, imagine if i had addressed you guys as my blacks instead. okay just a very random thought. i am bored aaahhhhhhh sunday mornings are so boring .

nauseous now. gastric flu still here btw. i just hope it's still tht and not the ulcer.

*slams fist on the table*

fuck. what have i done.

i miss being tht girl in the red specs.

but, i cant bring her back.

and i cant bring them back as well. or him . or you, the person whom i know will read this.

most of all i cant bring myself back.

not even halfway to my destination and i'm alr homesick. but i cant do anything abt it, because i'm alr too far off. might as well march on.

altho from time to time i am indeed looking back. walking backwards towards the destination, reaching out to home but still walking away.

ya Allah. i miss everything. everyone. i miss everyone so much.