the principal talked to us before releasing our individual results, of course. and then came the time when she gave the names of those who got distinctions. when the slide with the Malay students with A2s came on, i closed my eyes. i really did.
i was sitting with Jia Yao and Wei Liat, with Yao Wei behind me, and i thought they'd be chaotic with my name if it was there on the screen. but they didn't regard me. and that was when i knew.
i didn't get the A2 which i so badly desired.
a B3 then. a B3 would have been fine.
but nope. far from it.
i was so disappointed.
i had really put in so much effort. i really gave my best. i really did my best during that time. i really did. i was really hoping to get an A2.
at that very instant when my Malay teacher said my grade after my name, i really felt everything shatter; my hope, my strength, my courage. i started crying right there and then, though i was really trying not to.
when everything was done, the signing and all that stuff, i took all that i had left; my precious diary and what little strength i had left, and ran away from everyone.
i hid.
and i cried. and cried.
i was alone. yet, i still hadn't escaped from everything. i was still trapped in the madness, the madness of my national exams which are only two months away. it's so near, and yet. it's so far.
____
yeah. i hid. and i cried, i effing cried non-stop. i sat there by the sinks for about an hour or so, i think. someone walked in on me and was like Ohmygod are you okay!? and after she left i cried til i fell asleep for a while i think.
when i suddenly jerked awake i heard Mr Singh's voice coming from outside and i was like shit, and i tried to run into the cubicle, but the door creaked open before i could manage.
and tadah, i was found. by him and none other than my childhood buddy Syazana. and then i started crying again. i was taken to the tower where the Mother Tongue HOD sat me down and talked to me.
i saw Mrs Sherri from the distance talking to another kid, but i noticed how she was constantly looking over her shoulder to glance at me from time to time. eventually she came over and asked what's up. she said she wished she could stay and talk with me as well, but she had another case to attend to.
so yes. that's my escapade today.
back in my hiding, i was just writing in my diary and texting Natalee. she tried to encourage me to try again. i really spilled out all my feelings to her earlier. if only she had been there to hug me; i'm sure the weight would have been eons lighter. but it's okay. she was there, alright. not physically, but still there.
she said she would push me 11m forward every time i'm pushed 10m back. o, how i love that dear girl.
it was only after we stopped texting that i started releasing the tears for the younger twin. i didn't blame him though. i just wished he could comfort me.
but guess what? when i was walking to the bus stop after school, i saw the black kitty at central whom i named Night a few years back. was originally Yoru but well, that's japs for night anyway, and it's shorter, so Night it stuck.
well, she made me feel a little better. i sat there petting her for quite some time, and she seemed to enjoy my company too. her throat seemed hearse though, somewhat.her meows were rough. well i guess maybe cause she's old.
and then back on my bed, there was good ole Courage. although he's not a real cat. and he's a tiger. but he's still a lovely, lovely source of solace.
he's just as stoic as ever, oblivious to the honour he has of being the only stuffed animal i have ever loved this much. [i bring him on holidays too, you know.]
alright, i'm going to blog some more later. i feel better now that i've let it all out in words. o how i love words. don't you love words my dear Axes?
o, i've forgotten to ask how was your MT o level results. good? good. awesome? awesome!
No comments:
Post a Comment