while they all decorated the classroom, i'd wanted to help, too.
but i felt small.
just a year ago i was running around recording them as they did their work.
i miss my classmates. but i can't do anything about it. they have always been there. they hadn't gone anywhere; i was the one who pulled myself away from their company.
____
so, me in school... i hadn't gotten suspended from class this whole week apart from the essay punishment on Tuesday. Mrs Sherri had came out from the office, seen me, and asked what i did. she said i'm really making her worried.
and then Mr Bernard said he's very concerned about what is my problem, and he doubts i would be able to even pass. he'd wanted to talk with me today but i decided to absent myself.
Ms Adimah and Mr Syafie knows it's all about the heartbreak. the former is helping me in pushing aside my emotions while the latter has always been trying to settle my disciplinary stuff quickly, both telling me constantly that it's just a few months left.
well. like i'd said yesterday, each time i say i've moved on, i start crying. how many times had this happened the past few weeks? i hear a POP sound and then right after, each time i think about the memories i feel unaffected. so i feel convinced that i'm done.
and yet, the emotions and tears come flooding back a few weeks later.
each time i say i give up, i continue trying. after those moments of depression i'd tell myself okay, i'm done with trying, i'm not gonna study anymore.
but again, in a short moment i pick up my schoolbooks again.
as the Chesire Cat in the mad version of Alice in Wonderland had said; "Madness is not a state of mind. it is a place." not only do we have to escape it, we have to destroy it as well, along with its equally insane residents, be it negativity or the happiness of your past.
____
i shall get rid of my madness and focus on three things:
my studies,
my conduct grade stuff,
and the boy i have a crush on.
i see it. i shall reach it.
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