I'm not gonna make it.

i still remember how enthusiastic i was during the pre-sec 5 times. i was so excited at the thought of all those schoolbooks, notebooks, stationery, in preparation for my O levels. you know why? cause i knew he would be there for me throughout. i knew i was gonna soar through the year with him by my side.

i'd wanted to go ite but he convinced me otherwise by assuring me that he would be with me through the year. those words encouraged me like hell.

i had fantasies, as innocent as going down to sit on breakwaters with schoolbooks and him scolding me when he sees me daydreaming instead of doing my work. i imagined the day of my O level results, meeting him afterwards and announcing how i'd fared, with tears of joy and his look of pride.

who was i kidding? at the start of February, he left.

imagine going into the battle zone with all your weapons, along with your confidence and courage and all... only to have yourself stripped of your comrades' company. that's how i've been feeling this year. imagine fighting the enemies on your own, nobody to back you up.

imagine being shot from all directions. who wouldn't crumble from that, right?

so each time i feel unaffected by the memories, i take the chance to study. but halfway through my work, when i get stuck on a question, i threaten my efforts with surrender. i start thinking "i should have gone to class more", and then "i shouldn't have gotten suspended", "i should have gone to school"... all the way back to "he shouldn't have left me."

and so i start blaming him. i recall my teacher's words halfway, "the only one who can really change everything is yourself. only yourself.", which diverts the accusation onto myself. but still, the sentence swiftly changes from "i did all this upon myself" to "HE made me do all this upon myself".

this is insane. i don't even know myself anymore. i don't know if i've given up, or am gonna try again. it's like i'm hanging in mid-air.

can somebody please tell him to be by my side again, to push me through these next few months? just a few months. i can push myself no longer. i want to borrow his strength. i don't know what else to do. just his company. that's all i'd ever asked for, really. even as just a brother or best friend, it's fine. i just really really love to have him pushing me, encouraging me like he always did.

for now, i doubt i could make it. no... i'm really not gonna make it. i confess.

____