how are your studies, my Axes? if you are consistent (my maths teacher's word) then that's good. if not, then when are you gonna start?
is it procrastination? or laziness? either way, you should remember what our teachers always ask us; "enjoy now and suffer later or suffer now and enjoy later?"
admittedly, i haven't been focused, not the least bit.
i had skipped two of my exams during Mid year; science practical and art. i havent officially dropped the latter actually, because my principal doesn't allow me to.
but i still refuse to do my art, mainly because i am attitudinal. (that's the actual word; not the attitudous that i had came up with, if you remember)
and really, i hate practical, i've told you. the chemistry one frustrates me to no end.
i'm sharing with you these so that you know how badly i'm really doing in my studies. cause it's stupid. it's really stupid of me. as the foster brother had said: "you're not stupid; you're being stupid."
i've been skipping school a lot, and out of the 4 days of june structured programme, i only went for one, and that was just to collect my bloody popular voucher. hadn't even bothered about the prelim oral after sch hours.
every time i sit outside the hod office because of suspension from class, my subject teachers would always stop and talk to me. i know how concerned they are about me, especially mrs sherri, mr syafie, ms fatimah and mr bernard.
they worry about why i've ostracized myself from the rest of the class, too. and the other day, ms adimah had came into class and immediately asked me; "is there a reason why you're sitting so far away from the rest of your classmates?"
when i shook my head she was like, "am i missing something? are you not telling me something?"
ms adimah once saw me writing in my diary and said; "the thing about writing in diaries is that, even after you've written all your sad things, at the end of the day you still got to write something positive about it.", something like that.
and she had been the only teacher i had shared with about the thing with naked mole rat and his lil shish. ms adimah was a really good listener.
in spite of all that, i don't feel the least bit guilty about it at all. i don't feel bad for having disappointed them over and over again, although they've always shown me concern.
studies down, teachers down, classmates now.
yeah, i don't sit with the rest. i like to pull my table nearer to the window and away from the rest of them, just sitting on my own doing my work. if Syazana is around, she would come and chat, but that's not always.
i don't take part in class interaction, and i hate groupwork. the last class activity i had actively participated in was cheering comp; the day i broke down at the bus stop because of the fucking ghost of the douchebag.
last year i was always recording stuff and making videos for my classmates, and trust me; i really loved doing that. but this year... i don't know. things got screwed up real bad.
and yeah, Syazana's pretty much the only one i talk and laugh with, if she comes that is. and not just in school but in general too.
i don't take notice of schoolmates, and i hope they don't take notice of me too. sometimes i wish i was invisible because recently, even sleeping by the gym is difficult as some people has never seen a girl sleeping on the floor before. well i will be that, so get used to seeing it.
yeah, just sharing with you guys what i've been like in school.
i hate school, you know. no, hate doesn't even begin to cover the dread i feel when i have to go to school. it's far worse than that. you know how some kids feel like they're in prison when they're in school?
well yeah. it's like that. no, it's like juvenile detention or whatever. i'm only in school for my aunt. and to my parents, skipping school is always equivalent to not studying at all.
i do study on my own, you know. maybe i just dislike being taught by others. i don't know. it's my being attitudinal, i guess.
yeah, this sure is the solitary author.
now you know.
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