Repent.

woke up to two good morning texts from two different people, which really surprised me. how long have i woken up knowing he was no longer mine, knowing my phone would be empty of notifications, a reminder that no one in the distance thought of me upon waking up.

i followed my aunt to Geylang Serai today, to do a little more of grocery shopping. first item on the list was ikan pari for the picky kitties. after we got all the market stuff, we headed to Joo Chiat where there was this little corner bookstore which i had never noticed before.

i checked out the novels first, since i've never seen so many Malay ones before. they had attractive enough summaries but i decided against it because there would surely be a dozen words which i wouldn't have heard of.

went over to where my aunt was, and there were plenty of books about Islam... i remember Syamirul having mentioned this before.

the keyword was "Taubat", but i couldnt find any decent ones. i remember seeing this book called "pintu taubat masih dibuka", something like that, from somewhere. either a movie or a dream, but i couldn't find anything like that too.

in the end, something caught my eye. but i didnt know what it meant so i asked my aunt, and her voice dropped when she answered. it's what comes and gets me in my death, she says. or something like that?

i dont know if the way she explained it had been subsidised on purpose just so a noob like me would understand better, but yeah. i get the hang of it, flipped through, and decided that it was what i'd get.

three bucks only by the way. 

i started texting Blue about it cause i was suddenly excited to change. yes, if you were to remember this post;  the path of Blue is actually the choice of Repent. i've no opposition word for the path of Black though, maybe Regret?

there were plenty of reasons as to why i'd made this choice, but the main reason was definitely my granny.

the second night of S11, she had called me numerous times but i didnt answer til i turned off my phone. the day i left Pasir ris, i heard Father talking to her over the phone while i was packing, telling her he'd had enough of me and blablabla.

"Mak nak sangat jaga dia, mak jaga dia. E'esa dah tak kuasa lagi nak tengok muka dia lah. biar mak jaga dia baru mak tau berapa jahat dia punya perangai." some shit like that, blablabla.

right after, she called me again and again, numerous times. i didnt answer. when my aunt called me, i did answer though, and she told me to go over. so i took the train, and i did.

upon reaching here, i beri salam. there was no answer. again and again, "Assalamualaikum," but there was no response. i called her on her phone just as much, but there was also no answer. i knew she was alone at home, she always was around that time.

i got really scared. i was already so fragile, i started crying non stop, i was so scared something happened to her. and i actually prayed to Allah, something i have not done enough of all my life.

tadah, my granny came out the door and was casually like, o HEY! she was in the toilet, that was all...

the next reason was more simpler, it was cause i overheard her talking on the phone with my aunt, telling her that she wanted to teach me how to solat and ngaji. [i seem to eavesdrop on adults' conversations a lot don't i] so yes, my granny is the main reason.

so, no tattoo for me. no more sinning for me. no more Black.

oh, i got so damn pissed with that damn barrel when i asked Syamirul more questions about the amalan thing. well fuckity fuck, who would have thought! grr.

i'm thankful for Syamirul; i told you already, i treasure the friendship with this guy, though i dont know why he so readily helps me all the time, and believes in me so. i'm glad he did though.

if there was ever one person in my life that i never regretted meeting, it has to be Syamirul.

so yes, my dear Axes, hiiii. i'm ready to change, to walk the path of Repent. because, i am a Muslim. i wouldn't be the most perfect role leader in society or whatever. but the least i wanna be is enough of a role model for my future children and grandchildren, so they would not end up like me.

but seriously though, how can you not like red eyes?