A sage for this relationship.

You've got to admit; he's an adorable boy isn't he?

Had gone to the airport with 'Aamir again today. I used to keep track of the number of times we meet, but i've lost count now; we've been seeing each other so much, and i don't give a shit about the number of meetings anymore.

"Love" is an understatement. After my past: the infinite "I love you"s i'd told my exes, members of the clique i used to be in, my parents; "love" is an insult when it comes to my feelings for 'Aamir.

I've been fond of him since the day we first met at the airport. I liked him more and more with each meeting. It was not love. It was never love. It was... Flowery.

Like how every flower has its meaning attached to it: hazels for reconciliation, daisy for innocence, and the most common of knowledge, red rose for love.

Every meeting of ours, every compliment we give each other, every argument we ignore each other for. There were reasons for all that; the hidden meaning each one holds.

My feelings for him is not "love". My feelings for him are liatris, daphne, pink carnation, chrysanthemum. And plenty of others. Our relationship is not just hearts but flowers as well.

Because every little thing that happens, no matter how small it seems to the ones who aren't part of the passion; holds a meaning behind it. It's not just "i care for you because i love you", or "i fight for you because i love you" anymore.

Instead, it's "i want you to fight for yourself because i know you are strong."

A sage for this relationship; and for me, and for you. Insha Allah.

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This is 2013.

so it's been a month since 'Aamir and i got together; a month since the day we first met at the airport. and about two since he followed me on Twitter and gave me a bad first impression.

i never thought i would ever meet someone like 'Aamir. in the past, when i was with Irshad and still brooding over him, i told myself so many times that i would never find someone like him.

people were telling me it's because i'd meet someone who is better than him. i kept shaking my head in denial, believing with all my heart that there would never be anyone funnier, or cuter, or braver, or stronger, than he was.

but here i am. with a boy named 'Aamir.

we've not known each other for long, but it feels like we've known each other, and only each other, all our lives.

as much as i'm happy with the fact that we're always talking about our future like we have a clue; a part of me tells me that it's not because we love each other that makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him.

just like the dreams i have at night, or the inference questions we used to do in Social Studies; the lesser i know, the more possibilities there are. that's why i keep thinking that 'Aamir and i can be together as long as i want to: because we don't know shit about each other.

i can't deny that this boy was one of the faces i had seen when i was going blind, one of the hands who had grabbed me when i was falling off the cliff of hardships. and as each day passes, he's always saving me from all kinds of abysses which i force myself to drown in.

but i feel like i still have a lot to learn about him. and vice versa. how would he react if he sees how ugly i really am? what would his response be to the stories of my past, of my inhumane thoughts, of the craziness that lay beneath my hat?

was being excited on the North South Line again yesterday [had accidentally referred to the Red line as North East in my previous entries], especially my personal favourite; Yio Chu Kang to Khatib. at one point of time, it did feel like an aeroplane, when one side went a little higher than the other! nevermind.

i'd arrived right on time, two minutes after the designated time that 'Aamir and i were supposed to meet. took a walk through Causeway Point to the other side, observing the people whom i called "Northern".

i felt so foreign there. i'm not sure how to describe it but there was something that distinguished the girls on the North side from the girls back home in the East. forgive this exaggeration, o fuck it.

upon our union, the first thing 'Aamir wanted was a posb machine, which we went to the basement to look for. i got excited when i saw The Icing Room, and he did too, knowing how i'd gotten addicted to its puffs a few days before.

i bought two of the chocolate ones and gave him a try, to get him a little addicted to it as well. bumped into Famous Amos next, and i'd wanted to buy some too but decided not to.

we settled for sushi and black pepper chicken from Cold Storage though, and were looking for beverage stores like Gongcha or Each A Cup [me snapping at him, "how could you not know anything, this is your turf."] when he pointed out a Sweettalk right in front of us.

"you ah, cari dengan hidung.", said he.

'Aamir brought me to this place called Woodlands Town Garden, where there was a huge canal which he had shown me in a video once.

it had a nice view, in the humble opinion of a jakonist. trains were passing to and fro, and there were nothing but sky and trees; in comparison to my past where i mostly looked at only the sea.

 he sat on the brick ledge with me against it, propped between his knees, and we sang to the songs he was playing on his phone. it started to drizzle but we stayed there til it stopped.

the currents of the water flowing in the canal were really strong, and it reminded me of Heavy Rain where the Origami Killer's brother died beneath the bridge. i tried to cross it, the bridge in reality, but i didn't have the courage, though 'Aamir had managed to leapt across the raging current.

we walked some more, til we got to this really dark and deserted lane where i decided to roam ahead while 'Aamir wasn't noticing. by the time he saw that i wasn't by his side anymore, i was already by a corner which i turned after looking at him for a sec when he called out to me from afar.

i heard him running, his footsteps echoing down the hallway, and i decided to pick up speed as well. i knew it would piss him off, but i just hid behind a wall and watched him frantically looking for me.

when i finally went to where he was, he had his back toward me as he withdrew some cash from the posb machine, and i stood there looking as innocent as i could. he saw me and asked, "where did you go???" to which i answered, "i was waiting for you?", pretending that game of hide-and-seek hadn't happened at all.

had a really quick bite at the side of the road, stuff that we bought from 7-11, gulped down with a bottle of caramel latte or whatever the hell that was, before making our way to the mosque.

okay, fine, so i just waited outside while he went and did his Asar prayers. while waiting for Maghrib, i told him a little about my childhood, and, it seemed that this story made things a lot clearer for him.

it did otherwise for me; i started to cry and my vision was blurred.

he did his Maghrib prayers before we took the bus to Marsiling station where we took a train back to Paya Lebar. we watched PewDiePie and i really could not help laughing!

so honestly, as much as i had wanted 'Aamir to meet my cats, i was so doubtful in letting him see the condition of my house.

i watched him look around the living room and i could tell he was already judging, so i shoved the cats under his nose and forced interaction between them.

funnily though, all of them took an immediate dislike towards him [Tilda and Snowball immediately ran to the storeroom while Halia and Tanda wouldn't stop hissing at him] except for none other than Zorro, who kept sniffing and following 'Aamir around.

i can't forget the image of''Aamir dancing in front of the storeroom while the cats were staring at him with this O.O look on their faces! oh 'Aamir. oh cats.

brought him to my room where he looked around again, and told him this was where i slept. he looked stunned for a moment, before saying quietly, "i feel... sad."

i answered; "this is my home."

he snatched my hat off my head, and announced, "okay, come. we solat Isyak together. i teach you how to take wudhu first." and he did.

it looked so beautiful, us standing with the sejadah laid underneath his feet, me with this doubtful look on my face and him looking serious as he taught me the positions and prayers. i mimicked him as he recited the latter, until i was sure i wouldn't forget.

after all that, though, we lied down on my mattress; my makeshift bed, arms tucked by our sides and eyes out the closed and dusty window.

i told him about the night when the line between the parallel worlds were blurred; when i woke up to see that i was back at Pasir Ris, thinking that my residence at Guilley was just a dream... right before i woke up yet again to find myself back at Guilley for real.

sent him off at 11, and when he finally got a cab, he stood by the open door and stared at me with this sorrowful look in his eyes.

i looked away. and he was gone.

i stayed there sitting on the railings, and i don't know how long i sat, as i didn't have my phone or watch to keep track of the time. i watched the world pass, humans on bicycles and cars honking at jaywalkers, the occasional crow sitting near me. tears down my cheeks and arms shivering as they struggle to give my shoulders support.

every morning, there'd be this guy at the petrol station who would cheer at me; "good morniiiing!" and every morning, i would just ignore him. but last night, when he saw me, he announced just as cheerfully like he always did, "good morniiiing!" despite it being almost midnight.

i couldn't help it, i had to look at him and smile, and he laughed. the other guy waved at me and asked for my number and a phone call, to which i refused with a shake of my head and a grin. as i walked towards my home, he stood up and yelled out, "at least tell me your name!"

i didn't. because it's contradictory of what i really am.

____

i need to start anew. all that had happened in the past, yes, all that led me to where i am today. and i'm happy being here.

my aunt has saved me from the abuse and lack of gratitude from my parents.

my granny has saved me from the negligence of my brothers.

'Aamir has saved me from the heartache caused by an ex boyfriend.

and God has saved me from the hover of razorblades above my shoulder.

these are all my saviours, people whom i'd long tried to push away, but still continued to hold on to me. all that's left is for me to save myself.

i still need to let go. my time of hardships, my struggles, the pain i had inflicted upon myself; that was 2012. the happiness of being with seven girl best friends, outings with all five family members together, dates with an amazing boyfriend; that was 2011.

i am a month late in realising this; but this is 2013.

letting go is a task that was long due. i shall do my best, to fulfill this beginning now.

My Lunar New Year Eve.

it feels good not having to wake up at 6 in the morning today! it feels good not having to go work on a Sunday!

here i reside, once again in solitude, but not at that house. instead, i am at my new home, alone here for the first time ever. had just spent one lonely night without my grandma and uncles in the house. at least i had the cats.

this is how my Lunar New Year Eve had gone.

2013 is the year of the snake. or as i'd like to say: the year of the ekans.

i woke up at 4 in the morning and was reading through my old conversations with 'Aamir when all the cats suddenly came into the room. Tilda stood next to me but i didn't see anything amiss because that's what she always does.

i saw that she was pawing at something that looked like a leaf, right by my head, and i started fingering at it when it moved out of my touch. i turned on the light, suspicions arising, and fuck me, just as i thought: it was a cockroach. and it was right at my face.

woke up for work unusually sleepy, and i didn't want to get up til Tilda had to come in and keep slapping her paw on my face before i could. it was a half day because the shop was closing at 1.

i was reaching Pasir Ris when Shushan called asking how to unlock the shop; not only that, but she didn't know how to pull the shutters up too.

whenever i push the shutters up, i don't use that stick thingy to do so, because it is for pussies.

by the time i arrived, Shushan had already managed to open shop, but it was quite a sight to see her washing the trays in the dark. she didn't know how to turn on the lights! it was unusually stuffy too; she hadn't turned on the air-con.

set things right before setting my backpack down and getting to work. Shushan washed all the shit while i cleaned the glass and counters and whatever else that needed the scrub.

i believe, for that few hours, i'd found an obsession in cleaning. and i found a new best friend that i brought with me everywhere: Cif.

honestly, i find my workplace a bit too hazardous for a bakery. i've been cutting and bruising and burning myself by accident a lot at work. i did too, yesterday, despite not doing much and just cleaning here and there.

the glass had lost balance off its hooks and dropped a few inches down, its edge glazing across the skin of my hand. if it hadn't been for my hand, the glass would have chipped, or shattered even. but if the impact had been a bit more, my hand would have been injured as fuck. idk which'd've been worse.

i was cleaning and cleaning, again and again, at whatever surfaces i could find. and while Shushan stood there literally staring at customers, i bent down to clean the drawers and underneath the counter. i was... addicted... to cleaning.

Boss came with nasi lemak for us, which he had passed to Shushan without a word. he went to the toilet afterwards and the two of us were debating whether we should eat it or not.

are you sure he bought this for us? what if not? but what if it is? wouldn't it be stupid if he comes out of the toilet to see that we still haven't touched it? *pokes styrofoam box with one finger*

working with Shushan was really fun. there were a lot of orders which customers were coming in to collect, and the receipts pasted on the plastic bags were to make things easier for us; so we could easily see which belonged to who.

we were supposed to collect back these receipts, not give to the customers; Shushan had forgotten to retrieve the one from the customer she served, and i scolded her to chase after him, which she did, all the way. that was amusing!

came a time when i went and gave another customer his orders, and i happily sent him off his way, when Shushan exclaimed; "receipt!" she yelled at me to chase after him, which i did, all the way, and boy was that quite a work-out!

when i came back Shushan was serving some other customers with this really stupid smile on her face. she was controlling her laughter, and so was i; though i surrendered to it and released it right there in front of them all.

so i was once again wiping my clothes across the countertop when Boss came out with two red packets in his hand and a smile on his face, both of which was passed on to mine.

he told us we could leave already, and i wished him Happy New Year while he went out to the freezer and gave us ICE-CREAM!!!!1

so Boss closed up shop and, eating our corn [me] and red bean ice-cream, Shushan and i made our way to Shengsiong where i met one of the bakery's regular customers. he was always coming to buy bread and always requesting, "ehrm no need plastic bag."

he was already looking at me when i saw him, and we grinned at each other upon recognition. he was at the counter i'd gone to, and was about to put our liquor into a plastic bag when i teased him; "ehrm no need plastic bag.", and he laughed.

headed to Shushan's place where i announced to her family xin nian kuai le or how it's supposed to be spelt. that was when we realised; "we forgot to clock out!"

"yeah lah, you see nasi lemak, see hongbao, see ice-cream, all forget already." said Shushan.

she had opened hers and said she only received ten bucks. we jokingly said that mine would probably be twenty, and when i took a peek into mine, i exclaimed, "twenty!"

she made vulgar sign with her hands to which i responded with a mock shock face. removed the notes from my red packet and showed her, and she got so worked up over it!

followed her to Tampines where she bought two pairs of shoes from Rubi. while i waited for her to pay for her purchases, i sat there watching all the girls around me.

all the girls were dressed with a thought, while there i sat with whatever i found just tossed over my head with a pair of torn jeans.

they had hair which was shiny and combed and coloured, pulled back to show their eyes while there i was with mine tangled and black, all over my face with loose strands down my back.

they had nice pairs of shoes, gleaming and new, and still buying new pairs, while there i stood in my tattered ones, once dusty and forgotten at the back of my cupboard.

these thoughts left me feeling small. those girls would have looked at me, envious of my height, but at that moment, i felt i was the smallest one of them all.

went to the basement of Tampines One where i got myself milk tea and puffs from The Icing Room. they were delicious! i'm in love with them now.

so i was telling Shushan how 'Aamir has always been showing me off to his friends while i hadn't been because i didn't have any, and then i got an idea. since Shushan is one of the only friends i have, why not introduce them both?

made my way home where i caught my granny and uncles just in time before they went off for Taman Anggerik. gran repeated everything she had told me before; turn off the gas, switch fans before sleeping, feed the cats, shower before heading to bed.

and that was that. i had the next three days all to myself.

today was boring, though i managed to finally catch up on PewDiePie. have made plans with 'Aamir for tomorrow, had thought of spending time with him here today but he couldn't make it. can't wait to see him then!

have been watching Pokemon Black and White and boy did i have a lot to complain about.

i'm gonna visit the Tanjong Katong flower market soon. maybe Heath for solitude or the common thistle for mistrust of humankind.

Misfortune and its therapy.

Heidiho my Axes. I'm not even sure if people still read my blog, but what the hey.

Am currently on the train back to Paya Lebar, all the way from Jurong East, which station i thought to be really cool. Just parted with none other than 'Aamir.

He had came and slacked at my workplace with me early in the morning, all the way from Johore. Unfortunately i couldn't get a half day, causing 'Aamir to have to wait about 7 hours.

When i was finally able to get to him he was cranky already; we ran for bus 3 because it was the only bus to the mrt station, and that was when we discovered that he was missing his ez-link card.

"as if the sudden adult fares weren't bad enough," he said. "now i have to lose my ez link card too."

We got to orchard where he'd wanted to collect his pay because otherwise he wouldn't have any money for his transport; it serves inconvenience for him to be living in Johore. We ran in the rain, pushing past measly humans and dashing across the busy roads, only to be told that 'Aamir couldn't collect his pay today.

Disappointed, and refusing to accept the unfairness, we sat in the rain for a while before getting up to make our way to Ion Orchard.

"I wish i could just push everyone aside right now," he growled under his breath as we watched the swarms of people walking around and into us. "Can't they see that i am pissed off?" i couldn't blame him.

I didn't know what to do; i've never been good with cheering people up. I was afraid of doing anything. An arm around his shoulder could lead to a harsh shrug. Whatever i say could be disregarded with a frown.

Eventually we went for his way of therapy; vanilla ice-cream. I was protesting against it at first because i didn't like vanilla. But it seemed to be the only way to make him happy: the poor kid had been waiting for me since 10 in the morning.

The trip from Orchard and on the North East line was amazing though. He was cheered up, and we stood by the window talking about the least important things in our lives; our past like it still mattered and our future like we had a clue.

We were acting like children, looking out over the reservoir between Yio Chu Kang and Khatib, with noses pressed onto the glass, me exclaiming, "because i am from the East that's why i'm jakon!!!" and him: "bestnya Singapore!!!"

Now as i sit here alone, with only strangers around me, rushing to complete this post before i reach Paya Lebar, i realise one thing: I've been blessed with a miracle that is 'Aamir.

I know it sounds cheesy and shit, but really. Our conversations from Orchard to Choa Chu Kang... I'll write another post about this soon; for now, i'm just gonna bask in the presence of this boy, because i'd never thought i would ever feel this radiant again.

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Haunt.

If i were a ghost, i'd haunt my hometown the way its ghosts did me.

I'd haunt my school and see what my previous teachers have to say about me, and see whether they have stories about my wasting of efforts to share to their current O Level classes.

I'd haunt the places where i shared memories with people whom i meant a lot to, and see whether they frequent the spot in remembrance of my friendship with them.

I'd haunt the boy i had clung on to for years to watch how his life goes on without me, and see whether he really does never think about me at all anymore.

I'd haunt the cousin who was there for me for the first 17 years of my life and watch her getting on with her life, with her schoolwork, and see whether she's ever talked to anyone about missing me, or asked anyone of my whereabouts.

I'd haunt the girl whom i promised a friendship forever with but whom i left, and see whether she really does hate me like she seems to.

I'd haunt the boys whose photos i keep in my diary, and see whether they still chuckle while playing the ps3 without me there watching.

I'd haunt the man and the woman who contributed to my birth, and who initiated my longing for death. I'd see whether they can live without their only daughter at home, whether they would realise how beautiful she really is after all these years of calling her ugly.

And i'd see if any of them regret, having not done anything despite my cries for help.

Now as long as i'm alive, all these memories will reside in me, and even my present with the people who loves and cares for me so much is a scar of the past.

If it hadn't been for my ugly past, i wouldnt have had any misery to be saved from, and i wouldn't be here where i am now.

As much as i doubt God, i know He always has reasons for doing whatever He does. I'm happy being where i am now; i just await the time when i wouldnt need to remember anything that i was long saved from.