am off on another solitary escapade now, and for once i had thought of bringing lappy along. alas that rare thought had been destroyed by the fact that my lappy batt is currently running low.
when was the last time i'd gone to the airport to write? according to my telepathic memory/date data sheet, the last time i had done that was... the 8th of April? somewhere along the line. well, i don't really care, and neither do you, so why are we bringing this up?
when i get home, i shall share with you my today alright? jetting off!
p.s. writing/blogging/any forms of communication using only alphabets with no need for sound is my only comfort zone these days. wouldn't be talking much, but give me a pen and paper and POOF! all your questions, guaranteed answered. so come on, do something to indicate your presence yo. i've got stats, why don't you leave questions/comments/ideas?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
glass balls and unneeded monikers.
disappointment. the art of having your hopes crushed.
imagine a glass ball in your hands. you want it to reflect the sunlight to make a beautiful life picture, so you toss it as high as you could into the sky, where it's closer to the sun. you believe, with all your heart, that in a moment you're gonna see something truly spectacular!
alas, you didn't manage to throw it up that high, and not only were you unable to see that picture of the glass ball with the sunlight behind it come to life, but down comes the glass ball and before you could catch it, it shatters to pieces.
it's beautiful in its own way, but it's not what you were hoping for. you drop on the pieces, the glass cutting into your arms and face.
are you gonna show up on people's doorsteps with the blood trickling down your face? are you gonna gather together with other disappointed people and lick your wounds together?
no, you shall not. you shall discover many other glass balls, and the strength you put into every throw differs. some may reach the sky and you can see the light bursting forth through the glass, while others would drop and shatter into pieces.
but still. there are a dozen glass balls in your life. the fact that you want to put all your energy into throwing them into the sky is enough. the will, the desire, the courage, and the strength. you're the strongest girl/boy in the world!
and don't forget. the ball's speed differs too. if there isn't any burst of sunlight or the ball doesnt come crashing on the ground, then it's probably still on its way to the sun. it takes its time, so maybe it's able to reach waaaay up and be really sparkly with all the sunlight emaciating from it.
get what i mean?
well apart from that. i'd just returned from a milk tea solitary escapade before meeting with Maya cousie to retrieve a copy of S.S sec 3 textbook. she had taken to the trouble of asking her friends for it, so i am really thankful for her. thank you cousin!
on the bus back home, had bumped into these 3 mats who were seated at the back of the bus, and they called out my name again and again. totally didn't recognize their faces at all, and then the middle one was like, "naqib punya kawan!"
and i'm like, "Ah." and that was that.
i dislike being called "adik Naqib". really, it's so damn frustrating. it's been going on for eons already, i'd be like passing by a group of malays and they'd be like whispering "eh adik naqib adik naqib."
1. i can hear you know.
2. my moniker ain't "adik Naqib". i have a name and it's E'indah!
another thing which irritates me about malay strangers that cross my path. sometimes they talk about me, clearly referring to me, things like, "seramnya rambut dia!" it takes a whole ounce of patience not to yell into their faces: "AKU MELAYU DOL, SUKA HATI AKU LAH!"
look at that snail.
had drawn it when i was done with my english paper 1 on friday, but sadly had to throw away all used papers. hence i've brought it back to life. isnt it just beautiful? be a snail, y'all. slow, but at least there's movement.
people aint gonna step on you cause you're the strongest person in your world, okay? okay. we all are. we shall someday gather together to praise our strength and courage.
imagine a glass ball in your hands. you want it to reflect the sunlight to make a beautiful life picture, so you toss it as high as you could into the sky, where it's closer to the sun. you believe, with all your heart, that in a moment you're gonna see something truly spectacular!
alas, you didn't manage to throw it up that high, and not only were you unable to see that picture of the glass ball with the sunlight behind it come to life, but down comes the glass ball and before you could catch it, it shatters to pieces.
it's beautiful in its own way, but it's not what you were hoping for. you drop on the pieces, the glass cutting into your arms and face.
are you gonna show up on people's doorsteps with the blood trickling down your face? are you gonna gather together with other disappointed people and lick your wounds together?
no, you shall not. you shall discover many other glass balls, and the strength you put into every throw differs. some may reach the sky and you can see the light bursting forth through the glass, while others would drop and shatter into pieces.
but still. there are a dozen glass balls in your life. the fact that you want to put all your energy into throwing them into the sky is enough. the will, the desire, the courage, and the strength. you're the strongest girl/boy in the world!
and don't forget. the ball's speed differs too. if there isn't any burst of sunlight or the ball doesnt come crashing on the ground, then it's probably still on its way to the sun. it takes its time, so maybe it's able to reach waaaay up and be really sparkly with all the sunlight emaciating from it.
get what i mean?
well apart from that. i'd just returned from a milk tea solitary escapade before meeting with Maya cousie to retrieve a copy of S.S sec 3 textbook. she had taken to the trouble of asking her friends for it, so i am really thankful for her. thank you cousin!
on the bus back home, had bumped into these 3 mats who were seated at the back of the bus, and they called out my name again and again. totally didn't recognize their faces at all, and then the middle one was like, "naqib punya kawan!"
and i'm like, "Ah." and that was that.
i dislike being called "adik Naqib". really, it's so damn frustrating. it's been going on for eons already, i'd be like passing by a group of malays and they'd be like whispering "eh adik naqib adik naqib."
1. i can hear you know.
2. my moniker ain't "adik Naqib". i have a name and it's E'indah!
another thing which irritates me about malay strangers that cross my path. sometimes they talk about me, clearly referring to me, things like, "seramnya rambut dia!" it takes a whole ounce of patience not to yell into their faces: "AKU MELAYU DOL, SUKA HATI AKU LAH!"
had drawn it when i was done with my english paper 1 on friday, but sadly had to throw away all used papers. hence i've brought it back to life. isnt it just beautiful? be a snail, y'all. slow, but at least there's movement.
people aint gonna step on you cause you're the strongest person in your world, okay? okay. we all are. we shall someday gather together to praise our strength and courage.
a misty night, a carpark rooftop with a field, and a pair of twins.
for as long as i can remember, i've never had any dreams consisting of both the older and the younger twins.
last night, 'Irfan had brought me to this carpark rooftop that had a field at the top of it. taller buildings surround this carpark, and while we were there, the night sky had been engulfed with nothing but fog.
we sat at a corner of the field, taking in the darkness and mist, until one point when he stood up and suddenly disappeared from my sight.
so i sat there on my own, watching the buildings, the night sky, and the mist. along came not 'Irfan, but the younger twin. i watched him as he found a spot and laid on his back against the grass.
we stayed at our respective positions, the distance and silence as a line of separation. the only thing that united us was the fact that we were both staring at the same spot: the spot where 'Irfan was seen standing, on the rooftop of one of the tall buildings.
it was a beautiful sight. the older twin looked like he was floating amidst the clouds as he lingered there surrounded by the fog.
i went over to the younger twin and said to him, "can you see that? isn't that just beautiful?"
i dont remember any conversation taking place, but we remained in each other's presence, The Boy lying down next to me. the next thing i knew, he had his arm around me.
the younger twin and i laid in an embrace, and in the midst of the solace, along came 'Irfan, walking slowly towards us. neither the younger twin nor i made any movement, and as his brother passed, he gave me a half-smirk that lasted for just a moment.
a very good morning to you all my Axes. someone landed on my bloggie because he or she had been googling "khairul pasir ris" for some reason. i just love this stats thing.
last night, 'Irfan had brought me to this carpark rooftop that had a field at the top of it. taller buildings surround this carpark, and while we were there, the night sky had been engulfed with nothing but fog.
we sat at a corner of the field, taking in the darkness and mist, until one point when he stood up and suddenly disappeared from my sight.
so i sat there on my own, watching the buildings, the night sky, and the mist. along came not 'Irfan, but the younger twin. i watched him as he found a spot and laid on his back against the grass.
we stayed at our respective positions, the distance and silence as a line of separation. the only thing that united us was the fact that we were both staring at the same spot: the spot where 'Irfan was seen standing, on the rooftop of one of the tall buildings.
it was a beautiful sight. the older twin looked like he was floating amidst the clouds as he lingered there surrounded by the fog.
i went over to the younger twin and said to him, "can you see that? isn't that just beautiful?"
i dont remember any conversation taking place, but we remained in each other's presence, The Boy lying down next to me. the next thing i knew, he had his arm around me.
the younger twin and i laid in an embrace, and in the midst of the solace, along came 'Irfan, walking slowly towards us. neither the younger twin nor i made any movement, and as his brother passed, he gave me a half-smirk that lasted for just a moment.
a very good morning to you all my Axes. someone landed on my bloggie because he or she had been googling "khairul pasir ris" for some reason. i just love this stats thing.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Greed. Appreciation.
you know your excitement when you're blowing and blowing a piece of rubber and it slowly expands to become a balloon?
yeah, so you continue blowing until it becomes really big, and yet you still want it to continue growing, and you give all your breath away, til the balloon grows too big and bursts instead.
what do you have in the end? pieces of what you had initially, despite the hard work.
and pencils. when they're blunt, they can still be used, but you want to sharpen them for better quality. you sharpen and sharpen and sharpen away, til it's as sharp as a needle. looks beautiful, indeed.
but what's the point? once you put it to paper, it breaks.
so what is the lesson learnt? is it to not be too greedy? maybe.
and learn to be appreciative. just imagine if you don't have something, even though you don't like it right now. everyone's complaining about the heat today, and someone tweeted about shooting down the sun. is that really better?
just imagine the world, the universe, without the sun. that's just horrible! no warmth, no light, no solar energy or whatever it's called.
o well. i guess metaphorical blindness is just a common human trait.
yeah, so you continue blowing until it becomes really big, and yet you still want it to continue growing, and you give all your breath away, til the balloon grows too big and bursts instead.
what do you have in the end? pieces of what you had initially, despite the hard work.
and pencils. when they're blunt, they can still be used, but you want to sharpen them for better quality. you sharpen and sharpen and sharpen away, til it's as sharp as a needle. looks beautiful, indeed.
but what's the point? once you put it to paper, it breaks.
so what is the lesson learnt? is it to not be too greedy? maybe.
and learn to be appreciative. just imagine if you don't have something, even though you don't like it right now. everyone's complaining about the heat today, and someone tweeted about shooting down the sun. is that really better?
just imagine the world, the universe, without the sun. that's just horrible! no warmth, no light, no solar energy or whatever it's called.
o well. i guess metaphorical blindness is just a common human trait.
bizzaros from the past week. (considerably)
hi, missed me didnt you?
i'm here now! what's happened the past week you ask? many many strange and bizzare things.... some sad, some exciting, some WTF-ish, some WOAH-ish, and some just plain blissful.
*silence* you know, actually a lot of funny things had happened, and i was so excited to share with you guys. but now here we are and my mind is a blank.
yeah, still blank. o well. i'm here and that's all that matters right?
been going on a lot of milk tea solitary escapades to write, have got a new notebook as my diary now. "Better Late Than Never" . heheh.
i've nothing to share with ya. hmmm. on wednesday, had met up with maya cousie. i really hate the Hugo room at tamp lib, the silence is so damn contrasting to my squeaky Nikes. the way Maya stared at my nikes was so damn stupid, i immediately broke into snickers despite being a few feet away from her.
pretty embarrassing. i couldnt stop giggling sia, maya might have been more embarrassed than i was.
my language is all over the place right now. am so tired. i have got a book due today, but i dont feel like gg out. meeting a someboday tmrw, but if i were to return the book tmrw, there'd be a fine. get it? get my dilemma?
am pretty tired right now, for some reason. dont feel like blogging in perfect english.
best thing that's happened to me this week: meeting with a brave boy. it's all in my diary, it was the most beautiful thing i've ever experienced all my life.
and, i have a heavier grudge against irshad noorhalim now. it's not hate... it's a grudge. i'm just condemned against him.
i'm here now! what's happened the past week you ask? many many strange and bizzare things.... some sad, some exciting, some WTF-ish, some WOAH-ish, and some just plain blissful.
*silence* you know, actually a lot of funny things had happened, and i was so excited to share with you guys. but now here we are and my mind is a blank.
yeah, still blank. o well. i'm here and that's all that matters right?
been going on a lot of milk tea solitary escapades to write, have got a new notebook as my diary now. "Better Late Than Never" . heheh.
i've nothing to share with ya. hmmm. on wednesday, had met up with maya cousie. i really hate the Hugo room at tamp lib, the silence is so damn contrasting to my squeaky Nikes. the way Maya stared at my nikes was so damn stupid, i immediately broke into snickers despite being a few feet away from her.
pretty embarrassing. i couldnt stop giggling sia, maya might have been more embarrassed than i was.
my language is all over the place right now. am so tired. i have got a book due today, but i dont feel like gg out. meeting a someboday tmrw, but if i were to return the book tmrw, there'd be a fine. get it? get my dilemma?
am pretty tired right now, for some reason. dont feel like blogging in perfect english.
best thing that's happened to me this week: meeting with a brave boy. it's all in my diary, it was the most beautiful thing i've ever experienced all my life.
and, i have a heavier grudge against irshad noorhalim now. it's not hate... it's a grudge. i'm just condemned against him.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
missed me?
heidiho my axes. missed me? if you miss me raise your hands up high. woah i see hands being raised all the way to Brazil. anyway, where have i been you ask? been mia for a week now, havent i?
been happy, been a blissful little girl. been studying really hard, i'm a steel-shelled snail now. really, i am.
shall one day update ya on the crazy things that'd happened this past week. am currently at Tamp lib with my cousie, and my hoodie stinks real bad. had gotten myself caught in the rain on monday, cause i stubbornly wanted to stay out watching the bridge over the canal at Sungei Api Api.
i've no idea why i was doing that actually.
so. shall update at random times these few days, but i cant guarantee you that i'd be here every single day. i will be back. dont worry about me, i've improved my emotional stability, and i'm starting to eat my meds on my own accord.
slowly but surely, i am picking myself up.
i'll be back soon. i miss my bloggie so much.
been happy, been a blissful little girl. been studying really hard, i'm a steel-shelled snail now. really, i am.
shall one day update ya on the crazy things that'd happened this past week. am currently at Tamp lib with my cousie, and my hoodie stinks real bad. had gotten myself caught in the rain on monday, cause i stubbornly wanted to stay out watching the bridge over the canal at Sungei Api Api.
i've no idea why i was doing that actually.
so. shall update at random times these few days, but i cant guarantee you that i'd be here every single day. i will be back. dont worry about me, i've improved my emotional stability, and i'm starting to eat my meds on my own accord.
slowly but surely, i am picking myself up.
i'll be back soon. i miss my bloggie so much.
Monday, April 16, 2012
goodbye Brave Story!
heidiho my axes, i am still a blissful little girl right now. had went to my favourite neighbourhood for another solitary escapade, where i wrote about what made me so happy.
i didnt want to buy milk tea, but when i was looking at the menu nothing else really interested me, and the cashier was already like, "hello, milk tea without pearls?" which is what i always ordered there, so i just nodded blindly.
defeated, i took a seat and began writing about what happened that made me so damn happy.
i wrote solidly for 2 hours straight, 15 pages in total. i was really damn happy okay! read it back a few minutes ago, and i must admit. i truly am of literature calibre. chey, kay.
i'm so happy that i could cry.
o btw.
i've completed Brave Story. i'm done. it's done. *sniff sniff sob sob* and now i miss the game even more. well, at least i'd survived the book. took me a week, but yeah, i did it.
and, i am still a blissful little girl. that douchebag can rot at the back of my brain for all i care. the ghosts can linger all they want, they ain't got no effect on me no more, and i'm sure they'd eventually fade and be gone.
right.
*pushes red glasses up*
i am doing Maths now, on my own accord. it may be nothing to you guys, but i am very very proud of myself right now.
really. really, truly truly happy.
attention my Axes.
i, Nur E'indah Nadhirah Bte Md E'esa, am a blissful little girl right now.
i'm happy, for a very cheem reason. really. truly, truly happy. i might have gotten jilted but i've still never been this happy for so long already. in fact, i'm so happy right now that i'm going to cry.
am going on a solitary escapade now, and guess what? i ain't gonna drink milk tea, because doctor says not to. since when am i so obedient, you ask? heheh, that's what imma be writing into my diary about.
shall get back to you by tonight.
p.s i am done with Brave Story! movie version here i come. *sob* i hafta return the book now. goodbye book. *sniff sniff sob sob*
but i am still a blissful little girl right now. heheh.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
more useful than you think.
i love this stats thing, it allows me to stalk bloggie's stalkers. apparently some naked mole rat had been searching 109blackaxes for any traces of his name. interesting.
I AM SO BORED .
gastric is here! ding ding ding gastric is here!
I AM SO BORED .
gastric is here! ding ding ding gastric is here!
typical Sunday morning?
this morning i woke up with 11:11 flashing in my face. according to young girls' beliefs, seeing 11:11 randomly means that someone misses you.
here i am now, sitting at the dining table with my comp while my mom sits there with the newspaper. i've got a cuppa lukewarm milk tea by my side as i'm typing away, my wrist threatening to knock it off each time my finger flies to the backspace key.
it is a normal Sunday morning after all.
unfortunately i'm still unable to remember last night's dream (or more like this morning's since i only fell asleep at 4am) but o well, there's a high chance that it'll all slowly come back to me by this afternoon.
so what else have we got to talk about right now?
heh. this song. i remember it! i've forgotten how i got to know it though.
so i watched the Taiwanese live adaptation of Absolute Boyfriend, and i must say, i'm truly disappointed with the way they portray Riiko. and the whole setting had been changed, it's not fun when they ain't in high school anymore. bah.
the thing that silences me the most is the actor they chose to play Night. when i saw the dude from fahrenheit i'm like What the hell! of all people?
i am left with less than a hundred pages of Brave Story, which i'm excited to get over and done with so i can get started on a new book tomorrow. but really, it still saddens me to even think about completing the book. o well. all good things must indeed come to an end.
well that sucks, but i must say, i think emotionally i'm kind of improving. as for physically, far from it. couldnt manage to eat much this morning because after one bite, i already had the tummy ache going. must have been the milk tea.
i know i know, the doctor had told me to avoid milk, but i still stubbornly drank milk tea, like, almost every day since the trip to the doc. i can't help it, it's like a way to drown my sorrows.
i have got an appointment today. good.
i think i'm going to watch some movies from my childhood now.
here i am now, sitting at the dining table with my comp while my mom sits there with the newspaper. i've got a cuppa lukewarm milk tea by my side as i'm typing away, my wrist threatening to knock it off each time my finger flies to the backspace key.
it is a normal Sunday morning after all.
unfortunately i'm still unable to remember last night's dream (or more like this morning's since i only fell asleep at 4am) but o well, there's a high chance that it'll all slowly come back to me by this afternoon.
so what else have we got to talk about right now?
heh. this song. i remember it! i've forgotten how i got to know it though.
so i watched the Taiwanese live adaptation of Absolute Boyfriend, and i must say, i'm truly disappointed with the way they portray Riiko. and the whole setting had been changed, it's not fun when they ain't in high school anymore. bah.
the thing that silences me the most is the actor they chose to play Night. when i saw the dude from fahrenheit i'm like What the hell! of all people?
i am left with less than a hundred pages of Brave Story, which i'm excited to get over and done with so i can get started on a new book tomorrow. but really, it still saddens me to even think about completing the book. o well. all good things must indeed come to an end.
well that sucks, but i must say, i think emotionally i'm kind of improving. as for physically, far from it. couldnt manage to eat much this morning because after one bite, i already had the tummy ache going. must have been the milk tea.
i know i know, the doctor had told me to avoid milk, but i still stubbornly drank milk tea, like, almost every day since the trip to the doc. i can't help it, it's like a way to drown my sorrows.
i have got an appointment today. good.
i think i'm going to watch some movies from my childhood now.
Waiting in a Shell.
personally, i think the only thing in life that we're waiting for is death. after all, it's the only thing that we're sure will come. we don't think about it but it's irrevocable. our parents don't say it but they know it from the day we were born.
truly, in our life we only await that one thing. in the meantime, we do all that humans are apparently supposed to, such as breathe, eat, laugh, cry, fall sick, fall in love, fall.
these emotions are just games to occupy ourselves while waiting for death to take us. our bodies are truly nothing but shells, borrowed for our soul to take residence in during this lifetime.
so really, appearances doesnt matter shit as long as you still have your soul. after all, your body's just a loan. there's no requirement for compatibility or whatever not.
just because you're sadist doesn't mean you have to scowl and wear black all the time. just because you're a sweet person doesn't mean you gotta wear pink and flowers in your hair. why, what's wrong with sadists wearing neon skirts?
oookkkay, this bitch here being a sadist now. Sheep! where are you? *sticks smiley face sticker on forehead*
truly, in our life we only await that one thing. in the meantime, we do all that humans are apparently supposed to, such as breathe, eat, laugh, cry, fall sick, fall in love, fall.
these emotions are just games to occupy ourselves while waiting for death to take us. our bodies are truly nothing but shells, borrowed for our soul to take residence in during this lifetime.
so really, appearances doesnt matter shit as long as you still have your soul. after all, your body's just a loan. there's no requirement for compatibility or whatever not.
just because you're sadist doesn't mean you have to scowl and wear black all the time. just because you're a sweet person doesn't mean you gotta wear pink and flowers in your hair. why, what's wrong with sadists wearing neon skirts?
oookkkay, this bitch here being a sadist now. Sheep! where are you? *sticks smiley face sticker on forehead*
Saturday, April 14, 2012
someone who isn't The Boy.
i'm left with less than a hundred pages of Brave Story! had spent my afternoon at Tamp lib reading. i saw this adorable Malay guy who looked so damn engrossed in his graphic novel. i can't help feeling attracted to him because of the fact that he's on his own at the library.
i've no idea how long i'd spent at the library reading and eventually writing, before making my way to Tamp 1's Urban Write to look at all the beautiful notebooks. got myself milk tea after that, sat by the benches and sipped while writing some more.
some eons later met with Nazriq and then mom, ate Qi Ji, good old rice. fortunately i had been able to finish my food without any problems in my tummy.
gallivanted off on my own when we went to the pasar malam, and i found one of the stalls selling notebooks! of course, hadn't bought any although they were like super cheap. ooohhhhh how i love stationery.
so that's how my Saturday had went. i'd kept thinking it's Sunday today, but nope! we still have got one more day of the weekend tomorrow don't we?
what's my plans for tomorrow you ask? hopefully both 'Irfan noorhalim and i would be free to meet up. admittedly i have been looking forward to talking with him, cause it's been eons. i wouldn't want my past with The Boy to be a barrier from my friendship with the older twin.
back in those days, back in 2009, the older twin had been the one who reached out to me first, physically and metaphorically. but really, i've never felt any kind of feelings for him before, no attraction, no hate.
this is bad, isn't it? o well.
after Brave Story, i've got 5 more books to speed-read. first 2 are Steel Trapp and The Silence of Murder, which due date is the day after Brave Story's. after that we have got The Boy Who Could Fly, followed by The Long Wait For Tomorrow and finally The Stastistical Probability of Love at First Sight.
excited to read all those books, but saddened by the fact that i have to be done with Brave Story first.
i'm so sad right now, and it's not because of The Boy.
i just realised, it's been awhile since i wrote smileys in my diary and bloggie.
somehow, i'm counting on that someone to pull me out of this despair. someone who isn't The Boy.
more in my diary, i shall chiao now.
Oxen.
i had the strangest dream ever.
but i dont remember anything about it, maybe thats why it's strange. because i felt like i've been on the most topsy turvy roller coaster in the whole world a million times.
so anyway, how are you my axes? sorry if i havent been blogging a lot as of late. i've been out writing in my notebook diary, because i really can't wait to complete it.
and not only that, i'm also ultra preoccupied with none other than Brave Story.
its due date is on wednesday, and then after that i've still gotta speed read 2 more books which is due the day after. unfortunately i seem to be taking my time with Brave Story on purpose because i really can't bear to finish reading about Wataru's adventures.
i'm metaphorically blind. really, all i see is The Boy returning. too blinded to notice that i'm drowning in too deep, and i dont see the hands reaching out to me.
when i do feel these hands, though, all i do is push them away. eventually, when i keep struggling, i'll realise that i do need the help to be pulled back to the surface.
*silence* actually, to summarize this shit, i'm being stubborn.
of course, nobody apart from my grandma can pierce through this stubbornness of mine. as The Boy used to call me back in 2010, a Stubborn Ox.
the plural for ox is oxen. cool, i like that.
but i dont remember anything about it, maybe thats why it's strange. because i felt like i've been on the most topsy turvy roller coaster in the whole world a million times.
so anyway, how are you my axes? sorry if i havent been blogging a lot as of late. i've been out writing in my notebook diary, because i really can't wait to complete it.
and not only that, i'm also ultra preoccupied with none other than Brave Story.
its due date is on wednesday, and then after that i've still gotta speed read 2 more books which is due the day after. unfortunately i seem to be taking my time with Brave Story on purpose because i really can't bear to finish reading about Wataru's adventures.
i'm metaphorically blind. really, all i see is The Boy returning. too blinded to notice that i'm drowning in too deep, and i dont see the hands reaching out to me.
when i do feel these hands, though, all i do is push them away. eventually, when i keep struggling, i'll realise that i do need the help to be pulled back to the surface.
*silence* actually, to summarize this shit, i'm being stubborn.
of course, nobody apart from my grandma can pierce through this stubbornness of mine. as The Boy used to call me back in 2010, a Stubborn Ox.
the plural for ox is oxen. cool, i like that.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Sheep.
i just went to elias mac today. hadnt felt too well to go further than that. spent the time writing til my bro finished his tuition, bought myself some smiley face stickers.
there is yet another mysterious grumbling in my tummy. mommy's cooked nasi lemak but i'm waiting for her to come home before i eat. if i have the appetite, that is.
you know, i feel kind of sad if i were to be done with Brave Story. after all, i've followed Wataru so far, across his life and Vision, that i feel kind of sad just thinking about dropping the book back at the library.
but its due date is in a few days.
maybe meeting with 'Irfan noorhalim the day after tomorrow. once again, when i was at mac, i wrote a lot about him. hmm. am i missing something?
i cannot wait to complete the notebook i'm currently writing in, although i just started on it. the reason is simple, that very notebook already has memories on its own when it was just blank.
i missed speech day.
you know. i'm metaphorically blind, aren't i?
jumping from one lily pad to another.
let's make that move.
*edit codes*
are they moving?
anyway. i see Haikal dood posting many statuses about moving on. for examples:
i have a new friend! he's called Sheep. i bought many copies of him, and he's gonna be everywhere in my life, constantly smiling at me especially when i am being sadist.
just look at the bastard, smiling like he has all the happiness in the world. don't you love him already?
and yes, he's called Sheep.
no, there's no cheem reason for that. he's just called Sheep because when i was thinking of a name for him, i was staring at my sheep bookmark.
there is yet another mysterious grumbling in my tummy. mommy's cooked nasi lemak but i'm waiting for her to come home before i eat. if i have the appetite, that is.
you know, i feel kind of sad if i were to be done with Brave Story. after all, i've followed Wataru so far, across his life and Vision, that i feel kind of sad just thinking about dropping the book back at the library.
but its due date is in a few days.
maybe meeting with 'Irfan noorhalim the day after tomorrow. once again, when i was at mac, i wrote a lot about him. hmm. am i missing something?
i cannot wait to complete the notebook i'm currently writing in, although i just started on it. the reason is simple, that very notebook already has memories on its own when it was just blank.
i missed speech day.
you know. i'm metaphorically blind, aren't i?
jumping from one lily pad to another.
let's make that move.
*edit codes*
are they moving?
anyway. i see Haikal dood posting many statuses about moving on. for examples:
the last one had been directed at me as proven by the comment he left at his own status, which's my very own Fb name. and, we have yet to do our videography stuff, me helping him with his covers and him helping me with my MV.
i have a new friend! he's called Sheep. i bought many copies of him, and he's gonna be everywhere in my life, constantly smiling at me especially when i am being sadist.
and yes, he's called Sheep.
no, there's no cheem reason for that. he's just called Sheep because when i was thinking of a name for him, i was staring at my sheep bookmark.
over the years.
Wataru has found his second gemstone! 300 more pages to go.
woke up in the morning with a horrible aching in my tummy, and i could barely move. before that, in my sleep, someone was telling me to run, and to never stop. i can remember neither who nor why.
now, i shall research stomach cancer. know the enemy to conquer the enemy.
*three minutes later*
there's bloody a lot of cheem words. i give up.
but i get the gist, having the symptoms of stomach cancer is a possibility of having just stomach ulcer. ah, aku tak faham ah. kau baca sendiri la. here .
you know, if The Boy was still here, he would be the one doing all the research for me.
heck, i wouldn't even have all this because i would have listened to him and eaten my medicine.
believe it or not my mom had asked me this morning if i'd like to go to the doctor. my reaction to that was just a glare and a telepathic it's too late!
been listening once again to the soundtrack of Brave Story. after all these years. o! i'd like to point out something. during my psp days, i hadnt even met The Boy.
look what i found, from 2008.
what would i give to turn back time.
a few mornings ago, i was staring at my reflection with the clock behind me. i suddenly had this crazy idea which i put into action. guess what i did, i took down the clock and literally tried to turn back time.
i was counting the rounds i made with the clock hands, careful not to lose the dates, if you get what i mean.
nothing happened. i was still on the same day.
this was from more than two years ago.
haix.
come on, this shall be an Over The Years Special.
year 2009.
year 2010.
plenty of pictures with The Boy there. haix.
forget about 2011. it pains me. i shall go continue with Brave Story now.
woke up in the morning with a horrible aching in my tummy, and i could barely move. before that, in my sleep, someone was telling me to run, and to never stop. i can remember neither who nor why.
now, i shall research stomach cancer. know the enemy to conquer the enemy.
*three minutes later*
there's bloody a lot of cheem words. i give up.
but i get the gist, having the symptoms of stomach cancer is a possibility of having just stomach ulcer. ah, aku tak faham ah. kau baca sendiri la. here .
you know, if The Boy was still here, he would be the one doing all the research for me.
heck, i wouldn't even have all this because i would have listened to him and eaten my medicine.
believe it or not my mom had asked me this morning if i'd like to go to the doctor. my reaction to that was just a glare and a telepathic it's too late!
been listening once again to the soundtrack of Brave Story. after all these years. o! i'd like to point out something. during my psp days, i hadnt even met The Boy.
look what i found, from 2008.
what would i give to turn back time.
a few mornings ago, i was staring at my reflection with the clock behind me. i suddenly had this crazy idea which i put into action. guess what i did, i took down the clock and literally tried to turn back time.
i was counting the rounds i made with the clock hands, careful not to lose the dates, if you get what i mean.
nothing happened. i was still on the same day.
this was from more than two years ago.
come on, this shall be an Over The Years Special.
year 2009.
year 2010.
plenty of pictures with The Boy there. haix.
forget about 2011. it pains me. i shall go continue with Brave Story now.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Mr Syafie and Mrs Sherri.
right after morning assembly, my home tutor told me that mr syafie's looking for me. and the day hadn't even started but i'd already gotten suspended from class. again.
mrs woo came along and she said i have got talent (talking about my cheering comp vid) even though still a bit amateur, but got a little hint of professionalism. heh.
ms adimah came and was telling me about writing diaries, you can write all the negative things in it but at the end of the day you still have to say something positive about it. she was in the midst of giving me an example when she realised she was late for her next class. which was our english class.
mr syafie called me from afar, and told me to sit. i was like, uhm aren't you supposed to be in english now? and he's like, sarcastically, YES. and i'm like, uhm.
had a long chat, with mrs sherri coming along the way and joining, and there we were, talking and talking about life. i'd cried at one point, but the reason shall be a secret.
and some funny parts too, when they sang the song, and mr syafie's "three hours 60 minutes", mrs sherri was like, "4 hours lah bodoh, where got 3 hours 60 minutes!"
it's damn touching, and at one point they said: "6 more months and we'll be out of your lives." somehow, that really saddens me. all these years, i've always been getting myself into trouble with them over my hair and stubbornness to clip it up.
hm. i think i have different views about school now.
so anyway, i'd bumped into some stuff i had written two years ago. i really wrote a lot of songs for The Boy even then. the memories.
kay, i shall go write in my own diary about some other stuff now.
mrs woo came along and she said i have got talent (talking about my cheering comp vid) even though still a bit amateur, but got a little hint of professionalism. heh.
ms adimah came and was telling me about writing diaries, you can write all the negative things in it but at the end of the day you still have to say something positive about it. she was in the midst of giving me an example when she realised she was late for her next class. which was our english class.
mr syafie called me from afar, and told me to sit. i was like, uhm aren't you supposed to be in english now? and he's like, sarcastically, YES. and i'm like, uhm.
had a long chat, with mrs sherri coming along the way and joining, and there we were, talking and talking about life. i'd cried at one point, but the reason shall be a secret.
and some funny parts too, when they sang the song, and mr syafie's "three hours 60 minutes", mrs sherri was like, "4 hours lah bodoh, where got 3 hours 60 minutes!"
it's damn touching, and at one point they said: "6 more months and we'll be out of your lives." somehow, that really saddens me. all these years, i've always been getting myself into trouble with them over my hair and stubbornness to clip it up.
hm. i think i have different views about school now.
so anyway, i'd bumped into some stuff i had written two years ago. i really wrote a lot of songs for The Boy even then. the memories.
kay, i shall go write in my own diary about some other stuff now.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
adventures!
heidiho. what happened to me yesterday you ask? another adventure, that's what!
yeah, a trouble adventure.
__________________________________
it's recess, and i'm struggling to get out of the crowd after buying my strawberry tea. finally i am, breathing in the air but i have barely loosened the bottle cap when i hear my name being called. uh-oh. it's mr syafie, and he's yelling, "e'indah, clip up your hair right now!"
i turn my back against him and walk away, but he chases after me and continues, voice raising, "clip up your hair NOW! you look TERRIBLE!"
he practically walks me over to the sinks, where i stare at the mirrors hovering above. the discipline master watches me admiring my reflection, until finally he comes over and asks, "why do you want to look like that, E'indah?"
i don't answer. i'm too busy wondering why my eyebrows are so messy. mr syafie loses his patience i think, because he is asking the same question again and again without waiting for me to answer. "are you going to clip up your hair? are you going to clip up your hair or not?"
well, it's a question, so i answer truthfully, "nope."
he asks me to repeat. the request was polite, so i obligingly repeat that one word. "nope."
he stares at me. i automatically offer, "just give me detention lah." damn, he looks really pissed off right now. he opens his eyes wide and practically screams, "i'm not even going to send you to class, you go to the office right now, and your conduct grade is doing down!"
not even halfway through his mash-up of three sentences at one go, and i'm already walking to the office direction. obediently, i bravely add. some of the juniors are staring at me, and i just want to punch their faces out right now. stop staring at me!, the inside of my head screams.
nonetheless, i remain emotionless surface-wise and sits at my make-up bridging desk. the last time i was here, i had been excited about shopping trip to bugis with The Boy and his twin. the memories really hurts.
as time passes, more and more memories return. come back! come back! but i know he would not. not now, anyway.
mr syafie comes along every now and again, asking whether i am ready to clip up my fringe or not. i am in a daze, so he is completely disregarded. where is The Boy? has he eaten? he's so handsome. he can't eat eggs. when is he coming home?
i end up missing up to 5 hours of lessons, but i just go O well.
the bell for 3.50 goes off, and POOF! i am a ninja now. i tiptoe towards the general office and peek over the corner. enemy is spotted, distracted by other students. i take the chance to dash past, and that i do. dash, i'm a ninja!
like slow motion, i see the discipline master staring at me from the conference room. i smile and casually walk from the tower to the bus stop, joining the other students huddle together to shelter from the splattering rain.
_______________________
as for today, i had gone to detention after school obediently. the teacher there was none other than my home tutor mrs cheryl chew, and she asked for my blue slip, which i had completely forgotten.
i was quietly doing my writing like a good girl but mr syafie had to keep coming and telling me to clip up my fringe, and i'm like aku buat kerja sendiri pun nak kacau. the second time he told me, he gave me an hour extra detention.
and then the fourth time, he said i'd better go to the office or he'd suspend me from school tomorrow. haiii.
anyway, i went solitary escapade today. to bedok, i really like it there! o and Man at the Taxi Stand, still no signs of him. hmm......
camwhored with syazana in the toilet earlier. my childhood friend, heh.
ripping out the feelings used to hold me into place. breaking out the structures i'd unfold at my disgrace. i'm digging deeper to lay my misery down into the water so that it may drown. a grey so dark, it moves in silence and kills again. A Grey So Dark, Trivium.
and no, i hadn't met with 'Irfan noorhalim today. maybe friday. imma force him to bring me up on the seashell pavillion like he and The Boy had nearly three years ago. attack, because i am a cheetah. he gonna get me up there or else.
hehe. bye.
p.s i wrote a lot about, tadah, 'Irfan noorhalim in my diary today. but no, no matter what, i have never had any form of attraction towards him.
yeah, a trouble adventure.
__________________________________
it's recess, and i'm struggling to get out of the crowd after buying my strawberry tea. finally i am, breathing in the air but i have barely loosened the bottle cap when i hear my name being called. uh-oh. it's mr syafie, and he's yelling, "e'indah, clip up your hair right now!"
i turn my back against him and walk away, but he chases after me and continues, voice raising, "clip up your hair NOW! you look TERRIBLE!"
he practically walks me over to the sinks, where i stare at the mirrors hovering above. the discipline master watches me admiring my reflection, until finally he comes over and asks, "why do you want to look like that, E'indah?"
i don't answer. i'm too busy wondering why my eyebrows are so messy. mr syafie loses his patience i think, because he is asking the same question again and again without waiting for me to answer. "are you going to clip up your hair? are you going to clip up your hair or not?"
well, it's a question, so i answer truthfully, "nope."
he asks me to repeat. the request was polite, so i obligingly repeat that one word. "nope."
he stares at me. i automatically offer, "just give me detention lah." damn, he looks really pissed off right now. he opens his eyes wide and practically screams, "i'm not even going to send you to class, you go to the office right now, and your conduct grade is doing down!"
not even halfway through his mash-up of three sentences at one go, and i'm already walking to the office direction. obediently, i bravely add. some of the juniors are staring at me, and i just want to punch their faces out right now. stop staring at me!, the inside of my head screams.
nonetheless, i remain emotionless surface-wise and sits at my make-up bridging desk. the last time i was here, i had been excited about shopping trip to bugis with The Boy and his twin. the memories really hurts.
as time passes, more and more memories return. come back! come back! but i know he would not. not now, anyway.
mr syafie comes along every now and again, asking whether i am ready to clip up my fringe or not. i am in a daze, so he is completely disregarded. where is The Boy? has he eaten? he's so handsome. he can't eat eggs. when is he coming home?
i end up missing up to 5 hours of lessons, but i just go O well.
the bell for 3.50 goes off, and POOF! i am a ninja now. i tiptoe towards the general office and peek over the corner. enemy is spotted, distracted by other students. i take the chance to dash past, and that i do. dash, i'm a ninja!
like slow motion, i see the discipline master staring at me from the conference room. i smile and casually walk from the tower to the bus stop, joining the other students huddle together to shelter from the splattering rain.
_______________________
as for today, i had gone to detention after school obediently. the teacher there was none other than my home tutor mrs cheryl chew, and she asked for my blue slip, which i had completely forgotten.
i was quietly doing my writing like a good girl but mr syafie had to keep coming and telling me to clip up my fringe, and i'm like aku buat kerja sendiri pun nak kacau. the second time he told me, he gave me an hour extra detention.
and then the fourth time, he said i'd better go to the office or he'd suspend me from school tomorrow. haiii.
anyway, i went solitary escapade today. to bedok, i really like it there! o and Man at the Taxi Stand, still no signs of him. hmm......
camwhored with syazana in the toilet earlier. my childhood friend, heh.
ripping out the feelings used to hold me into place. breaking out the structures i'd unfold at my disgrace. i'm digging deeper to lay my misery down into the water so that it may drown. a grey so dark, it moves in silence and kills again. A Grey So Dark, Trivium.
and no, i hadn't met with 'Irfan noorhalim today. maybe friday. imma force him to bring me up on the seashell pavillion like he and The Boy had nearly three years ago. attack, because i am a cheetah. he gonna get me up there or else.
hehe. bye.
p.s i wrote a lot about, tadah, 'Irfan noorhalim in my diary today. but no, no matter what, i have never had any form of attraction towards him.
Monday, April 09, 2012
Better Late Than Never.
gastric pains had came at 4 in the morning, and the very first person i had texted was 'Irfan noorhalim, practically begging him to listen to what i have to say asap.
the pain increasingly got unbearable, and for a cheem reason i ended up texting everyone a "Help." i couldn't stop crying and i was curled into a ball looking really pathetic.
hadnt wanted to go to school, but my parents had to come along and beat the shit out of me just because they dont believe that i was sick.
walked all the way to school, making it just a little after humans started, i think. phone was receiving lots of texts but hadn't replied any of them, and then mrs sherri had to keep asking me questions when i had no mood to talk at all.
she called me after class and asked what happened and whether i was unwell so i managed a nod and she felt my forehead. damn, when had been the last time someone did that? couldn't help it so i cried.
when sabrina passed me the bracelet during mother tongue, it made me cry more.
during recess, was making my way to the gym when i heard yao wei calling me to join them eat, but i was like no appetite and just made my way to the gym. was feeling damn sleepy so straightway lied down to sleep.
that was when i kept crying non-stop, like really non-stop. and i couldnt stop whining either, literally making those pathetic little sounds. took out the bracelet and ring from around my neck and stared at them both, just crying and sobbing and calling.
was falling asleep when i heard some voices, laughing and coming nearer. i jerked awake and sat straight, and there were some guys from 4/2 by the gym door looking at me laughing away. i was like What, never seen a human sleep before? bloody hell.
so anyway, had walked home after school cause i hadnt wanted to wait for the bus at the crowded bus stop, but i was afraid of bumping into The Boy if i took bus from central. so i ended up walking all the way home from school.
and damn it hurts, my head was throbbing and i see them ghosts everywhere.
had a nap, woke up feeling like i just went on a roller coaster for some reason, but i couldnt remember my dreams. went to tamp and bought myself a notebook with "Better Late Than Never" on its cover.
and that is why i still have hope for his coming back.
the pain increasingly got unbearable, and for a cheem reason i ended up texting everyone a "Help." i couldn't stop crying and i was curled into a ball looking really pathetic.
hadnt wanted to go to school, but my parents had to come along and beat the shit out of me just because they dont believe that i was sick.
walked all the way to school, making it just a little after humans started, i think. phone was receiving lots of texts but hadn't replied any of them, and then mrs sherri had to keep asking me questions when i had no mood to talk at all.
she called me after class and asked what happened and whether i was unwell so i managed a nod and she felt my forehead. damn, when had been the last time someone did that? couldn't help it so i cried.
when sabrina passed me the bracelet during mother tongue, it made me cry more.
during recess, was making my way to the gym when i heard yao wei calling me to join them eat, but i was like no appetite and just made my way to the gym. was feeling damn sleepy so straightway lied down to sleep.
that was when i kept crying non-stop, like really non-stop. and i couldnt stop whining either, literally making those pathetic little sounds. took out the bracelet and ring from around my neck and stared at them both, just crying and sobbing and calling.
was falling asleep when i heard some voices, laughing and coming nearer. i jerked awake and sat straight, and there were some guys from 4/2 by the gym door looking at me laughing away. i was like What, never seen a human sleep before? bloody hell.
so anyway, had walked home after school cause i hadnt wanted to wait for the bus at the crowded bus stop, but i was afraid of bumping into The Boy if i took bus from central. so i ended up walking all the way home from school.
and damn it hurts, my head was throbbing and i see them ghosts everywhere.
had a nap, woke up feeling like i just went on a roller coaster for some reason, but i couldnt remember my dreams. went to tamp and bought myself a notebook with "Better Late Than Never" on its cover.
and that is why i still have hope for his coming back.
"home"town.
ow, my head still hurts a lot from the blows this morning. nngh. i have an explanation but we'll get to that when i feel like it.
anyway: this hometown sucks. i cannot wait to get the shit out of Pasir Ris. or better still, i can't wait to get the fuck out of this life. "all good things come to those who wait" indeed. and "believe it or not i am not going to leave you anymore" my ass.
that douchebag.
i'll share with ya my today tonight or somewhere along the line. i'm fucking thirsty right now.
anyway: this hometown sucks. i cannot wait to get the shit out of Pasir Ris. or better still, i can't wait to get the fuck out of this life. "all good things come to those who wait" indeed. and "believe it or not i am not going to leave you anymore" my ass.
that douchebag.
i'll share with ya my today tonight or somewhere along the line. i'm fucking thirsty right now.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Brave Story.
i just had a movie marathon with myself, a Nicolas Cage marathon. i think Knowing was cool, but it was a bit merepek. and National Treasure 2 was so full of Illuminati stuff, e.g. New World, Mason, Secret Society. i was playing a little mini game while watching it, searching for all the signs.
and that's how my Sunday morning had went.
somebody has been reading my 2008 posts.
i shall do a little bit of writing in my diary these few days, because it's filing up pretty soon, and i'm already excited to get started on a new notebook.
you know, i'm still pondering over what to tell 'Irfan noorhalim. i'd like to ask him "How are you?" first, but he'd probably say something like "Cut to the chase, i don't have much time." unless i specifically tell him not to before he has the chance.
so. i am bored.
once i'm done with Floors, i can finally get started on Brave Story, Bureibu Sutori. damn i really miss that game. i'd nearly completed the whole thing already.
aww damn i remember that half-cat girl. yuno. and the chick with long dark hair. i remember them, oh how i miss that game so much.
what is your brave story?
and that's how my Sunday morning had went.
somebody has been reading my 2008 posts.
i shall do a little bit of writing in my diary these few days, because it's filing up pretty soon, and i'm already excited to get started on a new notebook.
you know, i'm still pondering over what to tell 'Irfan noorhalim. i'd like to ask him "How are you?" first, but he'd probably say something like "Cut to the chase, i don't have much time." unless i specifically tell him not to before he has the chance.
so. i am bored.
once i'm done with Floors, i can finally get started on Brave Story, Bureibu Sutori. damn i really miss that game. i'd nearly completed the whole thing already.
aww damn i remember that half-cat girl. yuno. and the chick with long dark hair. i remember them, oh how i miss that game so much.
what is your brave story?
Saturday, April 07, 2012
gastric.
the gastric's still here, and i think it is still the flu, not the ulcer.
not yet at least.
but i still refuse to take care of myself. i ain't gonna take medicine, and i'm still gonna drink milk tea as much as i want and eat fried stuff if i even feel like eating.
i'm just letting you all know, so don't even try and tell me not to do this this this that that that. i don't want to listen to anyone else. only The Boy can make me eat my medicine. in more ways than one.
not yet at least.
but i still refuse to take care of myself. i ain't gonna take medicine, and i'm still gonna drink milk tea as much as i want and eat fried stuff if i even feel like eating.
i'm just letting you all know, so don't even try and tell me not to do this this this that that that. i don't want to listen to anyone else. only The Boy can make me eat my medicine. in more ways than one.
Changi Airport. /Bedok
i just went on another solitary escapade. thought i'd explore a new neighbourhood, but i hadnt done that. i explored Changi Airport, and then Bedok Town Centre again.
had walked around T3, including staring at aeroplanes at the viewing plaza, before settling down at Dunkin Donuts. it was unusually crowded today, because i've never been on escapades during the weekend. the booth i usually sat at was occupied, unfortunately.
bought my iced coffee and sat at another table, writing and writing and writing. halfway through had a text from 'Irfan noorhalim, and maybe--maybe--he'd be able to make time to meet with me this wednesday evening.
oh, and i discovered something about myself. you know how some people specialise in music, while others in art, or sports, or sciences, or whatever. guess what i am? i'd like to say that my specialty is in literature.
sounds nice isnt it? i'm not art, definitely, despite having always thought that i am. after all, i only started drawing in, like, primary 5?
yeah kay. i hadnt gone to the other terminals today, just stayed within the third. went to the mrt station and was about to place 5 bucks and my ez link card on the counter, when i read the sign at the window which said: "NO TOPPING UP OF EZ LINKS HERE".
made my way to bedok next, bumping into Syeera along the way. chatted about our other colleagues for a bit before making my way off.
once again the Man at the Taxi Stand wasnt there today. strange. met the cat with the Moon Rotating Earth eyes though.
did a beat of reading at the library, i've started on Floors some days back, it's about the janitor's son exploring the hotel they work at, because the late owner had left some puzzles for him to solve.
so yes, that is how my saturday had went.
dirty words and anger.
i fucking dreamt of the douchebag again, and this time he'd given me a notebook where he wrote his feelings in. on the cover is a graffiti art of my name which he had drawn.
he doesnt know all that he's causing me. this is not normal anymore, haikal dood keeps saying things like"everyone eventually thinks of their ex, it's okay, you'll get over it" and blah blah bloody blah like he really understands the situation i am in. and then he's like, oh, "i really want to help you but i really don't know how."
i hate everyone. i really hate everyone. as long as you're in my sight there's bound to be something about you that irritates me. all of you.
even when i am on solitary escapades, the freaking people in front of me walk damn bloody slow, especially those certain families walking like they own all the space in the world. jalan sudahlah lembap, jalan tengah-tengah dunia pula tu.
and yet those who are rushing, just have to hit onto my freaking right shoulder of all places. and when i am about to tap my freaking ez link card on the bus, the moron behind me always had to tap his when i'm the one who's next to the card reader. bloody hell, tak tahu sabar keper?
you know what irritates me the most? couples on escalators. minahs who ogle their eyes at me and talk in malay about my dressing, thinking i am a chinese. people who don't silence their phones in libraries.
bloody hell, only Bedok Town Centre doesn't consist of all these irritants. and not many people from pasir ris, so i won't bump into anyone i know, cause it'll just irritate me more.
i shall go explore a different neighbourhood today.
know why God made The Boy to be a douchebag? because he's the younger twin. God's only giving him reason to be hated and be murdered, because the younger one always dies. there hadn't been any need for The Boy to be made. at all. 'Irfan noorhalim was enough.
how ironic. The Boy had been the one to have saved me when i was about to kill myself back on the 2nd of November. but now, he's the one driving me into insanity. be it i die or he gets killed, it's still irony. isn't it funny? laugh!
Friday, April 06, 2012
A Grey So Dark.
i like the little patch that stays in your sight when you look away after staring at the sun. if you make it keep still for a moment, it kinda resembles a beating heart.
a beating heart.
fuck. i am so pissed off right now.
yet i am sad.
Hello Tomorrow. [Fly Emirates Commercial 2012]
this is just beautiful. in terms of meaning and videography. i love it so much!
an anti-social feline.
it actually feels kinda nice walking around in my own neighbourhood in the morning. had gone to mac at elias mall to eat and slurp on iced latte while writing, before making my way to tuition at 9.30. (had stomach ache halfway, making me totally regret having eaten)
i understand vectors a lot more now, and it's kind of fun if you know how to do it. unfortunately for me i hadn't learnt it quick enough to do well in the vectors test i'd done back in school on wednesday. that's just me i guess, taking my time to learn.
a slow learner. in more ways than one.
the cats of elias mall whom i frequently meet with are jenny (the one i like to call purple), kuskus (the orange one with moodswings) and the big fat orange one whom i have not named. (although i've been friends with her since my primary school days)
today, i hadn't seen any of them, but i met an arrogant one in a whole new district in elias mall. new in a way that i hadn't seen any cats in that spot before. the three whom i'd mentioned usually linger around the coffeeshop by the newsstand, while the timid ones hide by the supermarket area.
so this arrogant one. it was sleeping, and i did the usual calling sound, but it totally ignored me. i saw it twitch in reaction to my call, but it hadn't done anything to regard my presence. i went over and petted it, and still, it refused to even open its eyes.
my first impression of this cat was, arrogant.
well yeah maybe it's partially my problem for calling it when it was obviously sleeping.
so yes, that is how my friday morning had went.
honestly, i think metal and dubstep is the most wicked combination ever. but not many people had thought of mixing them, and i don't specialise in playing with audio, so i'm sticking to the dubstep remixes of Dying In Your Arms and Capsizing The Sea for now.
the drop in the former ain't that wow, honestly. but still a very nice remix.
*jump*
i checked out my blog stats, and i must say, what i saw really surprise me. i've got readers from the US!? and Brazil?! and Indonesia, and UK, and Spain!? readers, plural! holy firetruck !
i've got something to say to my readers, all of you. my axes! can you guys, like, i dont know. do something to indicate your presence? leave comments for example? follow?
checking out my stats right now and there are three people from the US reading my bloggie at this very moment. cool.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
the library will be closed for good.
guess where i went today? on a solitary escapade.
which, tadah, sucked because i was supposed to meet with two people today. Haikal dood for some videography stuff, and Maya cousie for study session. both had been postponed/canceled.
woah. i never knew the past tense for Cancel only had one L.
anyways.
the Man at the Taxi Stand wasnt there again today. strange. it's been two days. where is he? hadnt seen him, but i met a strange stray cat whose eyes are of different sizes. one was unusually bigger than the other. like the moon rotating around the Earth.
went to drop As Easy As Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, and guess what! i hadnt gone in the library. isn't that very rare?
though i kinda regret now because the library'd be closed tomorrow since it's a public holiday. the sign had said: "the library will be closed for good."and i nearly fainted but it's "the library will be closed for good friday."
went to bedok point through an unusual route, where i slacked at the same cafe as yesterday and wrote in my diary. around 7, made my way to the bookshop i had found, and spent eons looking at the notebooks and other stationery, as always.
SHOOT, I JUST CHEWED MY NAIL A LITTLE TOO HARD AND MY FRONT TOOTH FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA DROP OFF ANYTIME NOW.
if you hadn't realized, i'd used the word "unusual" a lot today. that shall be the word for today: "Unusual".
oh, firetruck! there's like, fragments of a chipped tooth on the top of my bottom teeth now. great.
which, tadah, sucked because i was supposed to meet with two people today. Haikal dood for some videography stuff, and Maya cousie for study session. both had been postponed/canceled.
woah. i never knew the past tense for Cancel only had one L.
anyways.
the Man at the Taxi Stand wasnt there again today. strange. it's been two days. where is he? hadnt seen him, but i met a strange stray cat whose eyes are of different sizes. one was unusually bigger than the other. like the moon rotating around the Earth.
went to drop As Easy As Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, and guess what! i hadnt gone in the library. isn't that very rare?
though i kinda regret now because the library'd be closed tomorrow since it's a public holiday. the sign had said: "the library will be closed for good."and i nearly fainted but it's "the library will be closed for good friday."
went to bedok point through an unusual route, where i slacked at the same cafe as yesterday and wrote in my diary. around 7, made my way to the bookshop i had found, and spent eons looking at the notebooks and other stationery, as always.
SHOOT, I JUST CHEWED MY NAIL A LITTLE TOO HARD AND MY FRONT TOOTH FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA DROP OFF ANYTIME NOW.
if you hadn't realized, i'd used the word "unusual" a lot today. that shall be the word for today: "Unusual".
oh, firetruck! there's like, fragments of a chipped tooth on the top of my bottom teeth now. great.
the story of the unusual ghost.
school's been dismissed, and i'm walking down the stairs having a conversation with jia yao about things regarding clique and douchebag. by the time we reach ground level i walk ahead, and i am halfway down the little stairs by the main gate when i see one of The Boy's ghosts.
i am about to disregard it like i do the rest, but wait! there're some strange things about this ghost. details that makes him the most special of all the ghosts of him i've seen before this.
first of all, i don't remember any memories of The Boy at the spot where he is standing at. next, he seems to be in communication with the human next to him, my classmate Amalina. last of all, the reason this ghost is unusual, is because, it is not a ghost.
it's the Real Deal.
holy firetruck! i can feel the whole world stopping its revolution right now. i look at my classmate, who is staring at me from her spot next to the love of my life. i find the strength to mouth, though with pauses in between: "who is that?"
she just looks at me for a second, and i'm afraid if The Boy turns around. i don't want to see his face.
he doesn't. instead, my classmate mouths back his name.
i find myself turning away, back up the stairs, hoping he wouldn't turn and see me. i push through the juniors walking my way, making my way back to the canteen. i hear jia yao's voice. i run to him.
"jia yao! jia yao!" i call. i try to keep my voice stable, but i can feel it breaking halfway through my next sentence, "he's at the bus stop, the douchebag's at the bus stop!"
i start crying, and tears are sliding down my cheeks, more gathering in my eyes. i manage a laugh, but it is so weak that it makes my voice croak more. i give up and continue crying til rayner has to give me all the tissues he has left.
he goes to the direction where the bus stop is, along with wei liat. jia yao stands here beside me, not knowing what to do. i am shivering. my knees tremble, so i try to keep them steady. i fail.
i cover my face and try my best to stop the tears. i resume more awkward laughs which still turn back to ugly croaks.
yao wei and jia yao make a plan. they suggest i walk along with them, right in the middle acting like big shots and pass him by. they tell me to point the finger at him as well.
as we walk pass the canteen, i hear faiz's voice yelling my name. i turn, and he says: "make sure you point both!" and points both of his middle fingers, as if making sure i would know exactly how to do it.
wei liat comes along and exclaims, "i join from behind, i support you!" and here we are, walking the tiny zebra crossing that leads us back to the little staircase by the main gate. the Aran boys chat as per normal, the usual perk and volume while i shiver from the excitement/nervousness.
what if he runs away?
what if they go over and talk to him?
what if he ignores them if they do?
what if he ignores them and comes straight at me?
what if he slaps my face?
what if they bash him up?
what if he bash them up?
what if i bash him up?
why is he here of all places?
why is he here of all times?
why must he be here of all people?
a million questions run through my head, but the only one that can be answered is not one of them: "what if he's not there anymore?"
because he isn't.
i am about to disregard it like i do the rest, but wait! there're some strange things about this ghost. details that makes him the most special of all the ghosts of him i've seen before this.
first of all, i don't remember any memories of The Boy at the spot where he is standing at. next, he seems to be in communication with the human next to him, my classmate Amalina. last of all, the reason this ghost is unusual, is because, it is not a ghost.
it's the Real Deal.
holy firetruck! i can feel the whole world stopping its revolution right now. i look at my classmate, who is staring at me from her spot next to the love of my life. i find the strength to mouth, though with pauses in between: "who is that?"
she just looks at me for a second, and i'm afraid if The Boy turns around. i don't want to see his face.
he doesn't. instead, my classmate mouths back his name.
i find myself turning away, back up the stairs, hoping he wouldn't turn and see me. i push through the juniors walking my way, making my way back to the canteen. i hear jia yao's voice. i run to him.
"jia yao! jia yao!" i call. i try to keep my voice stable, but i can feel it breaking halfway through my next sentence, "he's at the bus stop, the douchebag's at the bus stop!"
i start crying, and tears are sliding down my cheeks, more gathering in my eyes. i manage a laugh, but it is so weak that it makes my voice croak more. i give up and continue crying til rayner has to give me all the tissues he has left.
he goes to the direction where the bus stop is, along with wei liat. jia yao stands here beside me, not knowing what to do. i am shivering. my knees tremble, so i try to keep them steady. i fail.
i cover my face and try my best to stop the tears. i resume more awkward laughs which still turn back to ugly croaks.
yao wei and jia yao make a plan. they suggest i walk along with them, right in the middle acting like big shots and pass him by. they tell me to point the finger at him as well.
as we walk pass the canteen, i hear faiz's voice yelling my name. i turn, and he says: "make sure you point both!" and points both of his middle fingers, as if making sure i would know exactly how to do it.
wei liat comes along and exclaims, "i join from behind, i support you!" and here we are, walking the tiny zebra crossing that leads us back to the little staircase by the main gate. the Aran boys chat as per normal, the usual perk and volume while i shiver from the excitement/nervousness.
what if he runs away?
what if they go over and talk to him?
what if he ignores them if they do?
what if he ignores them and comes straight at me?
what if he slaps my face?
what if they bash him up?
what if he bash them up?
what if i bash him up?
why is he here of all places?
why is he here of all times?
why must he be here of all people?
a million questions run through my head, but the only one that can be answered is not one of them: "what if he's not there anymore?"
because he isn't.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
a special pink butterfly tee.
heidiho.
had left home in a skirt, but i freaked out when the bus hadnt even arrived yet. i ended up running back home and changed, tossing the skirt and pump shoes across my bedroom before putting on my skinnies and Nikes.
stripped off the gray hoodie and tossed my red and black one over my shoulder. lastly, traded the smile for a scowl. the only thing that remained was the pink butterfly tee.
looked into my reflection and was like. "Hello E'indah Wrister."and then i half-smiled like one of those douchebags who've got something up their sleeve.
i dont know why but i was so damn angry. i kept blaming The Boy.
want to know something ironic? that very skirt; the last time i had worn it was when i was slacking with them twins. the very first time all three of us had slacked tgt too. i remember so very clearly. had been with Shu Shan and Si Ying before i went to meet them.
anyway. had gone to Bedok once again. really, i do love the neighbourhood atmosphere there. sadly didn't see the Man at the Taxi Stand today.
had sat at this milk tea cafe writing in my diary. wrote for, like, 45 minutes straight. solid writing, occasionally sipping on the awesome milked tea (despite the Doc having told me to specifically avoid that).
i am not what my mom said. i am RIGHT in the head! bloody hell.
really. i'm so damn angry right now. libraries and cats are the only things in the world that can make me truly happy at this moment.
i'm so damn sick and tired. i really wanna toss everything that lands into my palms, up into the air; deny any responsibility passed to me.
had left home in a skirt, but i freaked out when the bus hadnt even arrived yet. i ended up running back home and changed, tossing the skirt and pump shoes across my bedroom before putting on my skinnies and Nikes.
stripped off the gray hoodie and tossed my red and black one over my shoulder. lastly, traded the smile for a scowl. the only thing that remained was the pink butterfly tee.
looked into my reflection and was like. "Hello E'indah Wrister."and then i half-smiled like one of those douchebags who've got something up their sleeve.
i dont know why but i was so damn angry. i kept blaming The Boy.
want to know something ironic? that very skirt; the last time i had worn it was when i was slacking with them twins. the very first time all three of us had slacked tgt too. i remember so very clearly. had been with Shu Shan and Si Ying before i went to meet them.
anyway. had gone to Bedok once again. really, i do love the neighbourhood atmosphere there. sadly didn't see the Man at the Taxi Stand today.
had sat at this milk tea cafe writing in my diary. wrote for, like, 45 minutes straight. solid writing, occasionally sipping on the awesome milked tea (despite the Doc having told me to specifically avoid that).
i am not what my mom said. i am RIGHT in the head! bloody hell.
really. i'm so damn angry right now. libraries and cats are the only things in the world that can make me truly happy at this moment.
i'm so damn sick and tired. i really wanna toss everything that lands into my palms, up into the air; deny any responsibility passed to me.
Nadhie the Explorer.
i'm going out now. guess what i'm wearing? not my usual get-up. hehe.
goodbye! i'm going exploring. where you ask? i shall not tell you. shall get back to ya.
goodbye! i'm going exploring. where you ask? i shall not tell you. shall get back to ya.
a rainy Wednesday.
i never realized that Nadhie is a shuffle of the letters in E'indah.
just talked with muzzy, he knew it was me after looking at my pictures in Fb thanks to my signature red and black hoodie. and then he said, after shuffling the letters in Nadhie he got E'indah. that's how he knew.
so anyway, just returned home from school. had reached class early and made myself cosy in my little corner of the classroom, had gotten lazy to tie my hair properly.
today wasn't so great. (then again my life these days has been pretty much screwed up) i couldnt be bothered to entertain anyone today, not even teachers. no strength, no mood, no energy and whatever else in between.
getting pissed off at the slightest things. sigh. i suck so bad that God doesn't even think i deserve to be put out of this misery via permanent sleep.
hate everyone. trust no one. love one. yourself.
mom thinks i'm not right in the head. i can't be, cause if i am, i wouldn't even admit it. of course i'm right in the head. i am. it's the whole world that's crazy.
pain comes in a package. it's a box wrapped with nice paper and a big fat ribbon, and inside it there's everything you need, to feel the most out of pain.
a little memory of Muzzy:
more than a year ago. he was referring to the Wrister girl.
......it's so damn unfair.
i loved him so much, yet he repaid me with all the pain there is he could give. three times! he's left me three times.
fuck it lah, shall write more of this in my diary.
referring to The Boy btw, not muzzy malek. obviously. sorry if my topic-jumping has been too abrupt lately.
just talked with muzzy, he knew it was me after looking at my pictures in Fb thanks to my signature red and black hoodie. and then he said, after shuffling the letters in Nadhie he got E'indah. that's how he knew.
so anyway, just returned home from school. had reached class early and made myself cosy in my little corner of the classroom, had gotten lazy to tie my hair properly.
today wasn't so great. (then again my life these days has been pretty much screwed up) i couldnt be bothered to entertain anyone today, not even teachers. no strength, no mood, no energy and whatever else in between.
getting pissed off at the slightest things. sigh. i suck so bad that God doesn't even think i deserve to be put out of this misery via permanent sleep.
hate everyone. trust no one. love one. yourself.
mom thinks i'm not right in the head. i can't be, cause if i am, i wouldn't even admit it. of course i'm right in the head. i am. it's the whole world that's crazy.
pain comes in a package. it's a box wrapped with nice paper and a big fat ribbon, and inside it there's everything you need, to feel the most out of pain.
a little memory of Muzzy:
more than a year ago. he was referring to the Wrister girl.
......it's so damn unfair.
i loved him so much, yet he repaid me with all the pain there is he could give. three times! he's left me three times.
fuck it lah, shall write more of this in my diary.
referring to The Boy btw, not muzzy malek. obviously. sorry if my topic-jumping has been too abrupt lately.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
coincidence.
so the strangest thing just happened.
had a friend request from none other than Muzzy Malek.
this is a direct coincidence between my dream and reality, they've always been linked metaphorically or in a roundabout way. never this direct. holy firetruck. strange isnt it?
now wondering whether to talk to him or not. does he know this is E'indah? what should i say? "woah, i just dreamt of you and now here you are", or "hey thanks for the add, who are you" or "thanks for the add, know who i am?"
-.-
or maybe he reads my bloggie and happened to stumble upon the part where i said he's been MIA, so he just added me to prove he hasnt deactivated any shit at all.
i've got my hair up now, want to see? as ms delsise would say: "this is a privilege. not a must."
once again, those eyebrows -.-
had a friend request from none other than Muzzy Malek.
this is a direct coincidence between my dream and reality, they've always been linked metaphorically or in a roundabout way. never this direct. holy firetruck. strange isnt it?
now wondering whether to talk to him or not. does he know this is E'indah? what should i say? "woah, i just dreamt of you and now here you are", or "hey thanks for the add, who are you" or "thanks for the add, know who i am?"
-.-
or maybe he reads my bloggie and happened to stumble upon the part where i said he's been MIA, so he just added me to prove he hasnt deactivated any shit at all.
i've got my hair up now, want to see? as ms delsise would say: "this is a privilege. not a must."
once again, those eyebrows -.-
another unexpected character.
never noticed that i've had more than 1,400 blog posts.
had a dream this afternoon, in another nap. somebody unexpected once again.
i was with The Boy, eating at this fast food restaurant which i think was most probably Mac. he and i were talking, and he was laughing, when, in the distance, i saw maya my cousie standing and glaring at The Boy's back.
she had stood there for quite some time, but she never looked even once at me. eventually she turned and just walked off.
suddenly The Boy and i were in a car and he was driving. i looked out the window, and when i looked back in it wasn't the douchebag anymore. it was muzzy malek. his 17-year-old uncle.
i was falling asleep, and at one point i laid my head on his shoulder, which he shrugged off, but in a gentle sort of way. so i fell, and i had my head on the space behind him on his seat, if you get what i mean.
i remember that i started crying. i made some soft sobs, and i was covering my face with my palm while he, muzzy malek, he just drove on.
we got off at one point, and he had placed an arm around my shoulders. i looked up at him, and that was when the both of us smiled, at the same time, at each other.
he said: "do you have any money for us to eat something more fancy? cause i don't."
we walked on this road, in the middle of it, when maya came along, and we all started talking together. she looked so happy in the contrast to the glare she had given to The Boy earlier. i remember that she and muzzy were like chatting away and joking about some shit regarding me.
never thought that i would dream of him now. the other time i dreamt of 'Irfan noorhalim, unexpectedly as well. what do these two have in common? they're related. they're related to The Boy. The Boy and i have went to peninsula with them on separate trips before.
i should go on an adventure. mystery adventure that starts with a dream i had. who knows, i go peninsula and i find something that leads me somewhere else and then i meet someone who tells me stuff which i wasn't supposed to know and then blah3 idk what i am crapping but you get the idea i hope.
wouldn't that be fun, though? a distraction.
i realized that i had been dreaming about the zoo a lot lately. two nights ago there was the raccoon and the huge cockroaches on the walls, pretty much like the kampung house at the zoo that i had went with my family the other time.
something like that, yeah. if you cant tell its size, i suggest you compare it to the little plug at the bottom left. gross right? but cool .
anyway, in this kampung house there was also a little typewriter, and at the time of the zoo trip it happened to be that i was reading a book involving a typewriter as well. seems kinda nice, a typewriter that is. wouldnt mind owning one.
i've started reading As Easy As Falling Off The Face Of This Earth this morning, and i'm halfway through now. it's about a boy who's like, travelling to get somewhere, and the only thing he's got is luck.
so what happened to muzzy anyway? i can't find his facebook, did he deactivate it too? confession: i used to have a crush on him, back in the days when the D-cube just left me after first kiss. i remember so clearly muzzy started calling him Douche as well.
the pictures above, i have no idea what happened to my eyebrows. you can barely see them right? cool kan.
mind pictures.
as you can see, i am not in school. had another bad night last night. sigh. when is this going to end?
you know how some headaches play with the scales in your head? okay, i have no idea how to put it in words but yeah, that's how i've been feeling these days.
and then there's the image of being sucked in from outer space. from outer space, not into.
i had a vision last night. a random scene being played into my head for no particular reason. not a dream. i was lying on the road, looking at the sky. there was The Boy's face staring down at me.
there was something about Post-its. i was saying something, i was saying his name. he had said something as well, he had interrupted me.
o yes. the MBWOE. he had told me to write a letter to the MBWOE. he said, "don't waste your strength on me, use your strength to write to her instead." and then he gave me these post-its and a pen.
that was not a dream... i don't remember it being a dream. i don't know how i know, but i do know.
must be mind pictures. mind pictures. mind pictures. hallucinations. hallucinations, imaginations, hallucinations. mind pictures. imaginations.
bloody hell, someone kill me already.
Monday, April 02, 2012
sleep.
eyelids heavy, but don't want to dream.
sleep is an escape. it is a comfort. it is the best things in the world to be doing with someone, you sleep with your parents as a baby, with your girlfriends during sleepovers, and the love of your life.
dreams are always portrayed to be pleasant. "good night, and sweet dreams."
nightmares occur more than the sweet dreams. to me, at least. they remind you of memories you'd rather forget, give you hope for the wrong things, make you fall for people you've never met.
sigh. this life... truly is nothing but a game.
i give up. this sucks.
sleep is an escape. it is a comfort. it is the best things in the world to be doing with someone, you sleep with your parents as a baby, with your girlfriends during sleepovers, and the love of your life.
dreams are always portrayed to be pleasant. "good night, and sweet dreams."
nightmares occur more than the sweet dreams. to me, at least. they remind you of memories you'd rather forget, give you hope for the wrong things, make you fall for people you've never met.
sigh. this life... truly is nothing but a game.
i give up. this sucks.
a memory.
long gone.
or maybe it's coming back.
it's nearing me once again. i can feel it.
is it nearing me to come back to me? or is it nearing me just to merely pass and brush against me, emphasizing the fact that it is not returning?
i'm damn aware that i am bringing this pain all onto myself.
shut up. shut up. shut the fuck up, all of you. he's coming back. he's definitely coming back. he's either coming back, or i kill him, or he beats the shit out of me. either 1.
this picture really paints a million words.
sigh.
i'm not even angry right now.
i'm just... disappointed.
really.
just disappointed.
Mason.
had heard this song when i was at vivo the other week.never would have thought that it's cascada. (this song is not on par with the theme of this post)
so today, i hadn't made way for the ghosts when they were in my way. in fact, the road was damn spacious but i purposely went their way, and through The Boy's. he just continued talking, disregarding me like i was with him.
bastard.
why is it the heart that feels the love, and the forlorn? why toss all the joy and pain onto this little thing that's already got the job of pumping blood into other parts of the body?
I NEED A BREAK.
i need to go for a run, without mercy nor caring about my lack of stamina, or cycle and hit the front brakes so i'd be thrown onto the road. i really need to get sense knocked into me, literally.
i need one more shot of pain, physical, to get over this. once, when the Douchebag had left me right after having shared our first kiss, i had kept wishing that he had beaten me up instead of leaving without a word.
do i need him to beat the crap out of me right now? yes. or not, i'd just kill him first.
had completed Mason, that book is damn sadist. i shall let the sadisty engulf me the way heartbreak had.
idk why i am like this. i am so damn sick and tired of having mixed feelings. i hope this hate lingers, i hope the love doesn't conquer it again, on and off, the way it had always done the past years.
Will. Courage. Effort. Patience. Hope.
my 5 most important values in life. they'd work for everything, even for hating someone.
so damn. sick. and tired. this life is a game, and i am running out of health points. i can't find those little things that gives HP when you break crates or whatever shit. just running with the infinity shotgun.
the weapon's all i've got.
and that's what life is all about.
pain.
The Boy causes:
emotional pain = physical pain = mental pain.
and how is The Boy impacted? obviously by none of that.
the girl causes:
none of that. he's going on so perfectly strong with his own life.
and how is the girl impacted? all 3 of the causes.
so cruel. the world is so cruel. the world gives me nothing but pain.
pain, pain, pain, pain. if you say the word a lot of times, eventually you lose the flair of it on your tongue. you grow numb to the pain. how ironic.
pain, pain, pain. pain, without love.
emotional pain = physical pain = mental pain.
and how is The Boy impacted? obviously by none of that.
the girl causes:
none of that. he's going on so perfectly strong with his own life.
and how is the girl impacted? all 3 of the causes.
so cruel. the world is so cruel. the world gives me nothing but pain.
pain, pain, pain, pain. if you say the word a lot of times, eventually you lose the flair of it on your tongue. you grow numb to the pain. how ironic.
pain, pain, pain. pain, without love.
quick update from school !
heidiho. currently at the sch library, and my typing is really making a din here among the silence, so better cut the cheem english and update quickly. aft all, this is a quick update. so let's go.
had a dream last night about a big-eyed raccoon wrapping its claws around my neck and attempting to strangle me. that's just a sumamary, shall elaborate when i get home. and anyway this keyboard is so difficult to type on.
clack clack clack clack clack of the freaking annoying typing.
btw. i am damn serious about what i had said last night.
had a dream last night about a big-eyed raccoon wrapping its claws around my neck and attempting to strangle me. that's just a sumamary, shall elaborate when i get home. and anyway this keyboard is so difficult to type on.
clack clack clack clack clack of the freaking annoying typing.
btw. i am damn serious about what i had said last night.
Sunday, April 01, 2012
that fucking liar.
so once again i had broken down this evening. in my private little sanctuary, as always.
i hit my head at an edge today, and it made a sickening thud. it still hurts, i hit like, the side of my forehead. i dont know what the hell happened, one second i was staring at D-cube's picture and the next i was crouching by my desk with my head in my hands.
idiot. most Moronest Moronic Moron in the world. if only that incident had made me lose my memories or something. kalaulah, kalaulah aku terlibat dalam kemalangan yang menyebabkan aku tidak menyedari diri langsung. (once again, chey Melayu sey)
sigh, but really.
it's been two months. not that i'm counting. but yeah. this sucks. Cousie is right, i can't be alone or i'd start thinking of all the wrong things, things i shouldn't be thinking, or to summarize my thoughts: the wrong person to be thinking of.
THAT FUCKING LIAR!
HE SAID, HE SAID TO ME ON THE NIGHT WE GOT ATTACHED. HE SAID, "BELIEVE IT OR NOT I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU AGAIN." AND THEN HE HUGGED ME, AND I DID, I DID BELIEVED HIM.
HE LIED .
he fucking lied to me! somebody should just take a knife and stab it through his heart. he's done so to mine so many times, but that's metaphorically. someone should let him go through it physically, maybe i should let E'indah do the honour.
the day i wear my white specs in public again, will be the day all Hell breaks loose. i promise you.
that fucking liar. he's going to die.
unused stationery and unwatched videos.
this is the only place in the world where you can see pictures of me without my hair covering half my face.
had gone to tamp library today, after a hearty lunch at burger king. finished up Split, and went to pay the fine that asleah had cost me. blah3 walked around the three malls of Tampines, i was with my bro btw.
i seem to love stationery so much. okay, i am stating the long obvious. stationery and books, all kinds of books, notebooks especially.
what do we have to talk about today? okay, for the fun of it, i shall share with ya the many stationery i found while searching for them post its last night which i had taken into my possession from my negligent bro.
1. 4 unused exercise books (no name even)
2. a yellowish green clear folder
3. a box of 12-colours marker pens (with the red missing--of all colours)
4. an empty purple file
what frustrates me most is the discovery of many P4 and P5 assessment books which were left undone. i swear, if i hadnt had anything better to do i would have taken them all and done them myself. what a waste!
yeah it kinda pissed me off when i found all those books. just last year i had went searching my older brother's room for his old assessment books, and i found many N and O level stuff, which i had taken in. (he dropped out of school in sec 3)
so anyway.
just recalled. i had made a video to the instrumental version of How To Save A Life, The Fray, which had explained shit between the D-cube and i back in 2010. it ain't in my account because i didn't upload it, and it had remained unwatched in my WMP for eons since.
at the end of it, i had also mentioned a Part 2, but i guess i never got along to doing that. shall i? hehe. while i'm still getting over the fear of Re:The World Calling's planned venue. i just enjoy making smaller-scaled videos while planning a big one, i guess. all these AVSSSes. gah.
you know, i've never had anyone make a video especially for me before. yeah, i've made one for myself, but that should not count at all. the MKI had mentioned making a "project" for me back last august, tapi batang hidung pun tak nampak?
o well. who knows in the future i meet some guy who wants to tackle me, and makes a video as a step towards melting my ice-cold heart. (chey macam faham) kalaulah.
o, o. look at this . i see me . heh.
somebody should remix our class cheers from last year and this year, and then we can perform as flashmob. that'll be cool, and we can invite the guys from ITE as well.
aw, hell. guess what song just came on? Hero, Mariah Carey. damn coincidence. i had made an AVSSS to this song for 4/2 2011 once. our last day .
i heard that this had made farhan and faiz tarmizi cry like shit when they first watched it. it hadnt made me when i was making it, but now, as Nadhie, it does make me miss being that girl in red specs.
a dream of a boy which made me smile.
i found the freaking post its. they were in the drawer in the living room all along, and this morning i actually went digging around behind my bro's desk. ugh.
anyway, a very good morning to you all my axes. today is the first day of the month, first day of the month April, and April Fool. i've got no tricks up my sleeve though, maybe just a few for my bro.
i had a dream last night/this morning. it was mostly classroom scenes this time. i can't remember positions, but there was something about us being transported to this other dimension and then in the end some fairies gave edmund and i these pieces of paper which would take us back home if we were to wish on them.
o and guess what? remember the 'crush' i mentioned some time earlier in this bloggie? okaaaay. in the dream, there was one part i was sitting at his place. we were doing some work and i had called out to him to ask him how to do some shit.
so he came over, and i was like talking the part which i didn't understand, something like that, when he sat on the back of my chair and placed his chin on the top of my head as he looked my paper.
it was like normal ah, i didn't react to that and just continued talking. and then at one point he wrapped his arms around my neck, his chin still on my head.
like WOAH right? hehe. and then at the end of it all, i think he taught me how to do or something, and then i said thank you. he had turned his back towards the class and silently kissed my temples, twice. then he laughed, and i looked at him, and then i smiled.
heheheheheh! XD like so cool. okay yeah i must admit, when i woke up, remembering this dream made me smile in bed, while any dreams about the D-cube always make me cry in bed. soooo yeah, you get my point, i think.
anyway, i shall go fondle with the stationary i have on my desk right now.
anyway, a very good morning to you all my axes. today is the first day of the month, first day of the month April, and April Fool. i've got no tricks up my sleeve though, maybe just a few for my bro.
i had a dream last night/this morning. it was mostly classroom scenes this time. i can't remember positions, but there was something about us being transported to this other dimension and then in the end some fairies gave edmund and i these pieces of paper which would take us back home if we were to wish on them.
o and guess what? remember the 'crush' i mentioned some time earlier in this bloggie? okaaaay. in the dream, there was one part i was sitting at his place. we were doing some work and i had called out to him to ask him how to do some shit.
so he came over, and i was like talking the part which i didn't understand, something like that, when he sat on the back of my chair and placed his chin on the top of my head as he looked my paper.
it was like normal ah, i didn't react to that and just continued talking. and then at one point he wrapped his arms around my neck, his chin still on my head.
like WOAH right? hehe. and then at the end of it all, i think he taught me how to do or something, and then i said thank you. he had turned his back towards the class and silently kissed my temples, twice. then he laughed, and i looked at him, and then i smiled.
heheheheheh! XD like so cool. okay yeah i must admit, when i woke up, remembering this dream made me smile in bed, while any dreams about the D-cube always make me cry in bed. soooo yeah, you get my point, i think.
anyway, i shall go fondle with the stationary i have on my desk right now.
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