Migrating.

i've never liked the cold. if things were to get a tad too chilly i would rush for a hoodie just to keep myself warm. maybe it's because i've lived in Singapore for as long as i remember, so i'm too used to the heat.

in the past, you could find me in hoodies even on warm sunny days. there was a time when i got afraid of heatstroke but i still went out in hoodies anyway.

i only had the courage to remove them late 2011; that was a motivation from the younger twin. i felt odd baring my arms to the sun like that, but i got used to it.

my seventeenth birthday was supposed to be my first ever solitary one, since i left my clique and my family shunned me, so i knew that nobody would give a shit about my birthday. i didn't care at all, i thought it was perfect, to spend the day all on my own.

but i got a surprise visit from two of the girls from the clique which i left; i cried. they brought me out, and i really appreciated the thought. i didn't know i really was lonely.

i came to think of this after that day; "as much as you hate the cold, you need it in order to appreciate the warmth." even if you hate being alone, it might be just the trick to get you to appreciate who you have with you right now.

i think i'm actually going too many rounds around the bush right now, my apologies.

what i wanted to say is this, actually. i wanna migrate to somewhere cold in the future. i want to learn to adapt to the cold. haven't you realised how the people who live in colder countries have better fashion sense than the locals? [no offence] [and in my opinion]

or maybe being somewhere cold is a good chance for me to hide myself without raising suspicion. i've read stories about girls who don't wear bikinis during summer because of their scars and immediately got hindered for it.

if i could, i would definitely migrate to somewhere cold in the future, for something new; a new environment, a new life. get away from everything i know, everyone i used to know, to somewhere where nobody would know my past, meet a guy whom i can have a "cute relationship" with, you know?

if i go on with these sins of mine, i have the feeling that Malay/Muslim guys will never go for me. even if they do, their parents wouldn't hear of it.

and i'm still bloody serious about that tattoo, so heck it. i'm not even gonna try to repent. i know that God is all forgiving, but i still don't think i deserve to go back on this path which i'd neglected so much.

okay nevermind, i shall talk about this in some other post. my main point of wanting to blog was to let you know that i would really move somewhere cold in the future just to start a new life.

and really! i love how they dress in winter.

i just love sweaters and stockings. but a country like mine provides little or no reasons to dress up like that on normal outings. o well.

alrighty, when i am old enough and ready, i'll migrate to somewhere cold okay? though for now i've still no idea where that would be...

Jobhunting with GummyNatta!!!1

so i went job hunting with Natalee at the airport today! it's been a while since we last met up. i totally kept her waiting because i was taking my own sweet time as always.

we first had some Maccy D, talking about the least important things in our lives [namely douchebags] before making our way to some shops to ask if they were hiring.

at Cotton On, we saw the little ad on the counter saying they were hiring so i decided to ask about that, but the salesgirl said they weren't hiring anymore. i was literally like, "WHY!?"

and then i bought two long-sleeved striped tops, 2 for 20 bucks. there were only sizes XXS and XS, but when i took one randomly, i realised that it was an M! was that luck or what.

bumped into Faiz Zainal who called out to me numerous times. had a short conversation revolving around our class chalet before saying bye and continueing our ways.

so Natalee and i explored all three terminals before reaching a Times bookshop, where i asked the salesgirl if they were hiring. she called out to her colleague, "hey are we hiring?" and then when he came over, i accidentally repeated; "hi, are we hiring part-timers?"

i was like, "eh! i mean are you hiring." and the salesgirl chuckled at me. that was embarrassing!

we made our way to the office where we stood outside the main door debating whether to make a move or not. a security officer was right there staring at us, probably having her own debate on whether or not she could assist us.

well we finally opened the door, and blablabla, til the interviewer told us to take a seat. that was when Natalee and i decided to be serious.

but yes, it is true; you tend to laugh more when in a serious situation. holy shit, you couldn't imagine how hard it was for me to control my laughter back in that damn office!

Natalee went for her interview first; and honestly, i screwed up mine really quick, when the interviewer asked me to tell her more about myself. you wouldn't want to know what i said.

but the rest of it went well, and i assured her that i am strong enough to carry kilos of books back and forth on a regular basis. not to worry!

Natalee and i had Dunkin Donuts next, and had Christmas donuts and iced chocolate. mmmmm.

we decided to go to CCP next, where we tried on heels at Payless or whatever it's called. damn, i could actually walk properly in those stick-heeled pairs, holy shit. and there was a 50% discount on them too!

so there was this foreigner that appeared out of nowhere and was walking right towards me, so i wanted to get out of his way, when he decided to pick up speed. he literally crashed into me, HARD, and i nearly fell! it shocked the shit out of me, and he didn't even have an ounce of reaction.

i got really pissed but i decided not to say or do anything and just called him a son of a barrel under my breath. dammit! and right afterwards, my ribs and back started to hurt a lot more, but they're all okay now. i'm still a little pissed though.

so yes that was how my day had been spent. there was a moment when i felt horrible back at CCP, cause apparently the memories still kinda affected me. o wells. o barrels.

anyway, it was a good catching up session with Natalee cause we really haven't been hanging out much since eons before our respective national exams. wouldn't it be nice if we get to bond more during a job? muahaha.

alrighty. that should be it for now. i'm not sure what are my plans for tomorrow. hohummie.

#5ThingsIFindAttractive

i spent my morning having breakkie with Azreenie and Syafiq, before going over to the latter's place to watch a few Malaysian films. the first one made me consider going down the path of Blue. but now i'm still not sure.

i've not spoken to Syamirul for a few days already, which is considerably a long time. i don't know, i still feel like letting the blame settle onto him for a while longer, though i know none of this is his fault.

anyway, since i haven't anything intelligent to say right now, i shall now blog out one of the Twitter trends which i see right now: #5ThingsIFindAttractive.

1. imperfect teeth. 

like this little douchebag here. i must admit, i've always found this picture really really, really cute, with us both smiling like that. i don't know why, but i really am attracted to guys with imperfect teeth. so adorable! especially when they grin.

2. readers.

people who read seem somewhat rare nowadays. i just love it when i find someone who also likes to read, just as much as me, or more. it's just so nice to share that love with someone your age, you know?

and when i mean read, i mean strictly actual books and not online books or blogs or magazines or shit like that.

i go to the library a lot, and i always see elderly couples sitting next to each other, just reading on their own. being together despite being in two totally different worlds.

3. solitude. 

in a canteen full of people in their cliques and friends, if i see someone who is always sitting alone in the corner reading a book or something, i'd most probably be more drawn to the latter.

there's something about social outcasts, or quiet people, that just makes me want to make friends with them. i don't know why. though most of the time i wouldn't have the courage to approach them in the end.

it's like, the lower you try to keep your profile, the more i notice you and want to go near to you. and i'm also attracted to people who show this same longing for solitary people.

4. guys who like pokemon. 

as you all know, i can talk endlessly when it comes to Pokemon. it'd be nice to have someone to talk with about it, who would listen and understand what on earth i am rambling on about.

it would be really sweet to share a love with a love, you know? and Pokemon is a passion of mine, it would be boring to have a boyfriend who thinks Pokemon is lame and childish and shit.

5. guys who love to write.

like Pokemon, writing is totally my passion, and i would love to be with someone who appreciates this about me. someone who is able to make time and space to write too, no matter how busy he is.

well i've not met anyone like that yet, but when i do, i'm gonna drag him to a cafe and spend about an hour writing together, not speaking to each other, over cups of hot chocolate. it's like being together despite being in two totally different worlds, much like reading. but this is so much more romantic!

____

be assured if i were to meet a guy who is all of the above,... *silence* i don't even know what to say, i would probably be head over heels in love with him.

there is a song that goes "you're everything i can't be, so you're everything that i need", some shit like that. i totally disagree with it. i think being with someone who shares similar passions is a lot better than going for someone who is the exact opposite. "opposites attract" seems like bullshit to me.

maybe opposite as in personalities would be fine. if you're someone weak who is always crying, you may need someone who doesn't get affected by his own emotions too much, you know? so he can stay strong enough to comfort you when you are upset.

alright, i think i'll stop here. muahahaha. shall blog again tomorrow; am gonna search for jobs with Natalee!

The ocean and the moon.

Blue is one of the kindest boys i've ever met. when i first knew him, i hated him like hell for my very own selfish reasons. eventually i became more attracted to him more each day for those very same reasons.

he's always believed in me, though i don't know why. perhaps he also has some selfish reasons of his own. in any case, he had always been trying to put me back onto the correct path and he never seemed to be on the verge of ever giving up.

once or twice he would get tired of my bullshit and end off the conversation abruptly. but the very next day he'd be back and asking how i am again and shit. and then he'll go back to telling me the reasons why i should go back onto the correct path and stuff.

and then there is Black. he's supposedly a kind hearted and warm person as well, but only if you lit him up. otherwise he's just going to remain cold and aloof.

our relationship is a dark one, in so many ways, be it the past or the present. i'm not so sure about the future, whether or not we would still remain this way or something more. but either way, it wouldn't be hundred percent a "good" relationship.

he knows all the things i've done, too. he contributes to some of these as well in fact, and he never seemed to discourage it. having been friends with him since a few donkey years ago, i care for him a lot and i don't want to lose him.

this is not a choice between two guys, but a decision for my future.

if i choose to listen to Blue, then i will have to prepare myself to go through a dramatic change; something i should have been when i was born, but haven't been, for the whole 17 years of my life.

if i decide to stay with Black, then i'm sure to corrupt myself all the more. and being broken this way doesnt mean he would stay with me in the future too. he could leave anytime.

it feels like Blue is the angel, and Black the devil. even their colours represent their "roles" in this game; blue for the calmness, the patience, the purity. black for the darkness, the evil, the sins. seems like an exaggeration, but really.

i love Black, i'm sure you already know. but choosing to go with Blue would mean a love for myself rather than for the guy. for myself, and for God.

right now, i'm still bathing in the flames of the memories with Red. i'm going to be burnt into a crisp if i don't move away soon.

The Walking Dead with Pewdiepie.

this would be a whole lot more emotional if you had followed up the entire series from the very beginning. or if you are a true Bro.

i cried like hell at this. if you think i'm dumb or stupid or whatever for that, then you're obviously neither of the above.

i know it's just a game, and i'm not even playing it myself; i'm watching someone else play it. yet i can still get so damn emotional about this.

as i'd mentioned before, i liked The Walking Dead because it wasn't like any other games where you just shoot the zombies and stuff. but there were choices in the game too which had to do with humanity and shit. it was not all about the zombies.

making the choices for your characters probably strengthens the bond between you guys. that's how Pewdie must have felt; i've been through it before through Pokemon games. who hasn't grown emotionally attached to your Charizard, or Blastoise, or Venusaur before right?

following Lee through his whole journey, beginning from the police vehicle crash, really makes me feel a certain fondness for him, and for Clementine, seeing how he cares for her so much.

the characters he had met; when Kenny and Ben died, i broke down too. because even the side characters were given parts of the story that were worth getting emotional for as well.

Clementine is a brave, brave little girl isn't she? to have to go through all that at her age, all alone without her parents. and she's so strong.

as for Lee, i don't even know where to begin. he's truly admirable and worth commending; he's more than a hero, not only for Clemmy but for me too.

oh gosh.. i am getting so emotional right now, i am so sorry ;_; but really! and Pewdie cried too. i was going all "o Pewdie you're such a pussy." with tears and snot all over my own chin.

Walking Dead really had a strong story. one of the strongest storylines for a game i had ever witnessed. my goodness. if only i could adapt it into a book!

Going into secondary school.

So as you might have heard, the PSLE students got their results today. I remember the day i got mine. There were no emotions at all, honestly. That was about five years ago, and today was my younger brother's turn getting his.

He's got fairly good, though as usual his English was one grade lesser than mine. He can go into the Exp stream.

The thing which really pisses me off about this thing is the fact that the mother is deciding which stream he goes to. My bro wants to go into a good school but if he does, he'll only get into NA.

Mother insists on him going into Exp just because "aku dah ada dua anak yang Normal Acad. Aku nak feeling feeling je kalau ada anak Express." that's a very stupid thing to say.

My brother obviously doesnt want that, because he really wants to go into his desired school. But no, Mother keeps judging the societies although she obviously knows nothing abt those schools.

And then blahblahblah til eventually he gave up i suppose, and let her win by saying Fine, he'll go to Exp.

I find it really thoughtless and inconsiderate of the Mother. I mean, shouldnt she allow him to decide himself? It's a very critical decision for him. And she has to consider his academic ability before forcing him to go into Exp. Not just because she's alr had two kids in NA.

Haiya. I hope my brother can cope with Exp then. And i hope my parents wouldnt be like pushing him and shit when he gets too stressed. It wasnt his decision to go into Exp, so he shouldnt suffer from it. And i hope my parents dont become absolute arseholes during his critical period like they did to me too.

Well most of all i hope my brother has a bright future ahead of him. May he be spared from douchebags or disciplinary issues or love gone wrong or retains or whatever secondary school crap. Alright, we shall end this prayer knowing that he will anyway.

Am currently at Jiayao's chalet, just slacking in the bedroom alone. I had a proper conversation with my Moon today. What a rarity!

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The last milk tooth.

i have a loose tooth; my last baby one. when mom dragged me to get braces about four years ago, i was relieved when the dentist said i couldn't get those cause i still had one more baby tooth. or milk tooth, whatever.

it started getting shaky around mid 2011, but til now it hasn't fully dropped off. eventually i decided to take it as a "symbol" of my "immaturity"; that it will never fall off until i learn how to grow up.

that's why i've been avoiding the dentist since last year. because i'm still slowly taking steps to become someone more "mature", someone stronger.

i suppose everyone has their own sort of last milk tooth. sometimes you use your tongue to dig at it, trying to loosen it, only to cause your tongue to become numb and tired.

cause you can't force it out that easily, like how it's so difficult to forget and move on. although you do try again and again, digging at it, but it will never drop off. you loosen it a little more everyday, but the day it fully drops off is hard to tell.

sometimes food gets stuck underneath and your breath gets really bad. like how you still allow something that was pleasant in the past, but chewed up now, remain in your life.

people may think about it especially if they got too near to you. they may decide to stay away from you or stay with you, knowing you could get rid of it by brushing your teeth.

you can't put on braces til this last milk tooth drops off, and an adult tooth grows in its place. like how you can't move on unless you let go. like how you have to get rid of the past to make space for the future.

am i making sense? i hope so. because i think this is very important, to me at least. i really use it as a symbol of immaturity, a symbol of something i should have let go of a long time ago.

until the day it drops off, i'm going to keep loosening it every day. not only physically but metaphorically as well.

that aside, i love my teeth no matter how crooked they are. i don't want to get braces, though i wouldn't mind if my two front ones are a little smaller. but there's no way to get that done i suppose, so fuck that.

and yes, i think guys with imperfect teeth are really cute (;

Our love story.

the first time i saw you was on the internet. you were beautiful. i really thought you were beautiful. i knew right away that i wanted you, that i needed to have you more than anything else.

i thought it'd be easy to find you, but it wasn't. i had to remain in my past before i finally found you. when i looked in the mirror, it just hurt that you weren't there with me. i looked ugly without you.

on the day we met, you were right there next to me, but i didn't see you at first. instead, i was looking everywhere else. only when my friend pointed you out did i notice you.

you stood out among your brothers and sisters, really you did. i wanted you so bad. i touched you. and damn... it sent more than electric shocks up my arm.

i stood in front of the mirror again, this time with you. i liked what i saw. my friend did, too, and she said we looked good together; i couldn't agree more.

i had to have you. i held on to you, not wanting to let go. the feeling of having you on my skin was just overwhelming. you were just as beautiful as you were on the internet, and more.

we have been inseparable ever since. you protect me from prying eyes. you remind me to keep my hair neat. you tell me i'm cute even when i'm not dressed up. you make me feel like i'm glowing just by being here with me.

i fucking love you, my dear hat. others may think you're nothing special but damn i fucking love you so much.

Silly weekend.

in case you havent noticed, i've not been blogging much these days. apart from the fact that i've got a great book to read, i've also been up and about this past weekend. shall i share it with you now?

i don't remember much of Friday.

i spent Saturday afternoon at Johor, shopping at this shopping mall which name i did not catch. i tried on a few dresses from a few shops but i bought only two, for a total of RM50. i think that's not bad!

s u n d a y ~
spent my Sunday out with Esha at Tampines. it was my first time going out with her actually, but she already seemed so open and very much like herself instead of all awkward like i was.

Esha made me try on this super high stick-thin heels at New look, my goodness! it was like tossing Physics homework onto a kindergarten kid! ;_;

we sat at Mac where we talked about exes [both were absolute douchebags.] and all the least important things in our lives.

got a Blueberry for her best friend who was working at Tamp Mall, and we all went to look at the watches that Esha wanted to get for her mom. spent an eon at the glass display before finally going into the shop and asking for assistance.

so while Esha was putting on makeup in the toilet, i had to stand there next to her awkwardly watching her. i told her how i've no idea how to put on shit like that, and she told me she learnt on her own.

the three of us sat outside for a while talking about this guy we all know. i told them how my year has been, with the crap and all the bullshit.

and then they decided.... to give me... a makeover........! it's kinda nerve-wrecking to think about it but hey. i shall give it a shot!

m o n d a y ~
at first i thought i'd go for a solitary escapade in a dress and shit. but i didn't feel like being alone for any second longer, so i decided to text none other than Shushan, and we met up before deciding to make our way to Bugis.

she warned me beforehand that she's not gonna go shopping because she's currently short of money, so i assured her by telling her our main objective would be merely a pair of shorts for me.

but tadah! in the end, i bought not a single thing and she, a long sleeved sweater from Bugis and a hoodie from Uniqlo. the latter had these gorgeous hoodies with tribal patterns that were going at a reasonable price of 24.9 bucks!

Cotton On had some nice shorts that were going for 2 for 20 bucks. i tried them on and they were really comfortable and shit, but like i said, i didnt buy anything today.

and then i got to the house and curled up in bed crying my eyes out. i read my Chicken Soup and darnit, these stories really made me feel a lot better.

just had a meaningful talk with a schoolmate.

so yes, that was how my weekend had gone. i think if i were to hang out with Esha more, i'd really start to treasure our friendship. when she was still with my brother, she always tried to make friends with me but i always ignored her. she never stopped trying.

and now she still wants to be friends with me. idk, i find it somewhat... hmm i can't find the word. sweet? touching? it's more than those.

Why I'm not going Grad Nite.

First reason is simple. Im sure you remember me mentioning that i wasnt allowed to go for Grad Nite cos of my conduct grade. My home tutor had said that i was invited last min on one condition: help out with the preparation and all that. Kinda like a CWO. I said okay.

But nobody called me and asked me to help out and shit, like tell me how to report to help out and blablabla, you know? And then just recently after my exams ended, i was told that mr syafie said i was the one who didnt look for him.

Okay fine so maybe i should have but how was i supposed to know? I didnt see him much when i was in school for my exams.

So that's one.

Another reason is because Shushan said she and Priscilla aint going, which caused Asleah to not go too, cos the rest of their clique had already decided to skip it. I would be comfortable if they were there, namely these three and Farizah and Sabrina because, well yeah. I'd be more comfortable sitting with them.

Being with the other classmates... Not so much. Dont get me wrong, i love them like hell. But nah. Thinking about it, i wouldnt want to be there with them. Id be awkward. Super awkward.

Another reason is my scars. Enough said i suppose. I've no idea how to cover them up when im dressing up. I saw a sweet long sleeved dress some time back but it was really expensive.

Even if i do manage to hide them somehow, it doesnt help my self esteem in any way. Id still feel ugly. And that is not a nice feeling to have on my graduation night. I dont need that reminder of how my last year of secondary school had went.

So there we go. Silly little reasons every step of the way.

Im not sure what my plans for this evening would be. I was supposed to go on a date with Haikal Doodle cos we already had that idea in September. But he cancelled it because he was "broke" and had "work".

The thing which pissed me off most was how he didnt have the thought to say it earlier. I had to go to him excited abt it and shit before he was like "hey listen can we not go" blablabla stupid excuses blablabla.

I had TPRawkz today too. But forget that, already. Now im probably just gonna go to the airport and write in my diary or read my Chicken Soup. Oh, and get chocolate ice cream. Maybe look for a job too while im at it.

So yes. An awesome start to the week. An awesome end to my stupid secondary school life.

I shall blog about my weekend tonight.

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Choices.

so lately i havent been blogging much because i've been reading a book of mine called "Chicken Soup: Tough Times for Teens". i'm gonna share my favourite story so far. it's called "Choices".

i'm not gonna type it out, but i'm just going to summarise it in a simpler way.

what happened was this; the protagonist, her name was Makaila, had this boyfriend and best friend, and they decided to go to this party. they have always liked going to parties and stuff, but they had never drink or did drugs, stuff like that.

this particular party though, Makaila and her boyfriend decided to drink a little. when they started, they couldn't stop. her best friend came along and joined in as well.

her boyfriend was supposed to drive Makaila home, and as drunk as he was, they made it to her doorstep, although her parents panicked like hell.

that night, she had a dream whereby her best friend also drove drunk, and had gotten into an accident. she, along with the truck driver that was also involved, died at the scene.

some time later Makaila received news that her dream came true. her best friend had died on the night of the party because she was driving so carelessly on the highway. it didn't help that the truck driver also didn't have his seatbelt on.

the man died, leaving behind a young son and a pregnant wife.

so the moral of the story, i suppose, is this: that whatever choices you make, it will not affect only yourself but the people around you. just imagine if Makaila hadn't made that choice to drink that night. could the whole accident have been prevented?

I may not have changed the world with my story, but I do hope that by sharing it I make people realize the responsibility they have to themselves and to everyone else out there. Don't ever think that your choices are yours alone. Every choice, whether good or bad, is like a pebble dropped into still water--each ripple represents someone your choice affects. That's quite an impact, isn't it? 

and yes, i do agree with that.

perhaps it's something to do with the phrase "what goes around comes around". that if you pass on a kindness, it will spread too, but if you decide to be mean or whatnot, the negativity gets passed on instead.

see, i told you already that choices are very important. i said this before, but i shall say it again in case you've forgotten; life is only from B to D; birth to death. the only thing in between is C; choices.

alrighty, i believe that's it for now. am currently just chilling in bed with a new tin of chocolate Hello Pandas and my book. o and i downloaded these apps called Restaurant Story and Bakery Story, and they... are... downright... addicting. *shakes head*

well then, smell ya later! *plays z Gary Oak approaching/exiting theme*

Choices.

Just me being me.

so people my age [plus and minus] nowadays are getting well-known in the country for their looks, their photos, their covers, their comedy, their tweets, blah blah.

and me? i'm not a funny person. i can't sing [and i'm damn proud of this, actually] nobody looks at my pictures for a second time. i only get retweeted once every two or three days.

i guess i'm happy enough if people bother reading what i blog. it may not be appealing to everyone especially when i go on about Pokemon, but sometimes when i blog about my personal stories and some inspirational shit, i get so damn happy when people read that.

ah, dammit, all of a sudden i can't wait to be 25 years old x_x

the above seems totally redundant somehow.

i have nothing intelligent to say right now.

so lately, i've been losing touch with music. it seems like the songs i've always liked are getting "old", in the dusty and broken kind of way. it feels like i don't want to listen to them anymore. like my good ole Sum 41 and Three Days Grace.

maybe it's because all these songs have memories with someone who was long gone. maybe it was too difficult to untangle those pictures from these sounds; the more i try to separate them, the more they entwine with one another.

maybe i got extremely desperate in trying to forget. that's why i developed a sudden liking to things which i'd never liked before. i don't know.

i'm not gonna cry tonight, no. and not tomorrow, too. i want yesterday's paper ring to be the last red. as difficult as it is, it's not impossible. isn't it?

been having late night/early morning talks with Syamirul that were very meaningful. i really treasure this friend of mine, i swear. he believes in me so much although i do not have the self-confidence.

ah, ah. i have the feeling the six months of holidays ahead is gonna be super tough to go by.

if you ride on your past, the only thing it'll do for you is bring you in the opposite direction of where you're really headed.

The DAMN urban area!

this collage would have been completed if i had taken a picture with my cousin. but didn't manage. hohum. anyway, since i haven't anything intelligent to say right now, i shall share with ya first, what i have been up to.

y e s t e r d a y ~
woke up about 5 hours after i fell asleep, and immediately tried to wake Shushan up cos we had made plans to eat breakfast together. i was too happy and excited that i didn't even feel tired at all!

we both ate porridge while i had an additional honey biscuit because that's how i roll. went to Popular cos i had to apply for my membership, before starting to walk back to her house.

halfway through it started raining so i had my hood up. but shushan wasn't so prepared and she decided to take a bus back home, leaving me to take a 358 from the same bus stop.

upon reaching the house, rested for a while before showering again and leaving this time to Guilley. my cousin Kak Siti invited me out shopping for my bridesmaid dress, for her wedding next month, so we assembled first at the granny's house.

took a cab to a place called H&M... it was huge! and the clothes were kinda nice. so many long sleeved tops with nice material huhu ^^ but no, our main mission was to look for red dresses. took a few pieces but i really liked the first one which i tried on.

walked to Forever 21 first, to see if there might be any other dresses, but there weren't. went to Typo where Kak Siti bought me two notebooks with quotes on their covers, and then to Smiggle where i bought a notebook for someone.

got ourselves bubble tea before walking back to H&M to get that dress from earlier. walked around too, and i saw a long sleeved striped top which i really wanted! and so, my dear cousin bought it for me :-*

bought KFC before taking a cab back to Guilley, where we all sat and ate and talked in the company of one another plus the kitties.

so Kak Siti found a recording of my parents' engagement, in the form of a really dusty cassette tape. it looked really mysterious and scary at the same time, but it still arouses my curiousity.

how do we convert it to a watchable format though?

t o d a y ~
was rotting in the house, reading my Chicken Soup listening to the main theme of the game Heavy Rain, with matching weather. til i decided to make a solitary trip to Orchard in the mid-afternoon.

so the train hadn't even left pasir ris and i was already feeling lost. i seriously didn't know how to go to Ion Orchard. cause you know, Orchard is so big, and i wasn't sure if the Orchard mrt station would be the nearest station to Ion or not, you know?

so i asked Black, only to have him yell at me. he really didn't have to raise his voice.

i spent the next few minutes thinking about my mom, and her navigating skills which she'd always been so proud of. and then i thought about me, how i was the exact opposite.

i nearly wanted to cry right there and then ;_; he really didn't have to say all those mean things, he really didn't!

my thoughts got interrupted when the girl to my left leant across to talk to her companion, who was sitting on my right. when they finished talking i asked the former if she would like to change places with me so it'd be more convenient, and then i realised she's someone i know!

it was Fazilah, a very good friend of mine from primary school. she was a really really good friend, actually. i remember her :3 from back in primary one!

there was one time in primary one or two, during mother tongue. i called her some names which i had read in a book, [for absolutely no reason] and then we ended up fighting, and we had to stay back during recess. i remember damn clearly!

chatted about our current states, and future, and a little bit of reminiscence. she's still as chatty as always!

well thank goodness she was there, she was going to orchard as well, so she told me how to switch from the Green to Red lines. she and her sister alighted at Somerset though, while me, at Orchard.

right. so upon walking through the train station gantries,... i got completely lost. the signs were super confusing, i really didn't know whether they meant Up or Straight Ahead!!! i wasted quite some time just looking for Ion Orchard itself.

when i eventually did, the place was freaking huge and not as i remembered, which ate more time while i looked for a directory.

AND THEN I FREAKING MADE IT TO THE BEAUTIFUL {PROLOGUE}..........

spent more eons in there, walking from the books on the shelves to those on display and from the notebooks to the stickers x_x in the end, i bought two books which were given a huge discount, and two notebooks that were on promotion if buying two.

so here, as happy as i was, i got lost once again. i didn't know the way back out, back to the mrt station although i was really careful in remembering the ways which i had taken before.

eventually i found it though, luckily. i came to the conclusion that mrt lines are what confuse me the most when it comes to navigating.

i'm so proud of myself for making it, all the way to Orchard and back alone!

and nope, didnt go hunting for any grad nite dresses or shit like that. anyway, i don't think i am going to grad nite. instead, i am going on a date with my Doodle! :3

the last time we met, i told him i might wanna go out on a date instead on the night of my grad nite, just that i didnt have anyone i could think of to ask. and then he was like, "ask me then!" hopefully i can patch things up with him properly when the day comes.

Swinging mood.

i'm really not in the mood to blog right now. i'm so damn pissed off. with everything, beginning with my comp. it's lagging like fuck right now and i have absolutely no idea why it's doing this to me. i'm so pissed off that i'd like to smash this comp, but i'd also like to bawl my eyes out.

tumblr and twitter lags like shit and i can't click on the freaking scrollbar without having the whole screen freeze. and as i type here on blogger, the letters are appearing a lot slower than they should.

and then, there's the website where i've been playing Ruby/FireRed, who tells me to install a new plugin because we now need that in order to play their games. so i did, and when i did, the freaking window said plugin not found.

what's gonna happen to my precious team!?!? i trained them like shit. my dearest Pidgeotto finally evolved into a Pidgeot, took me so much effort to go hunting for Pokemon and training them from scratch to beat the gym leaders, and i finally made it to Cinnabar and Seafoam islands.

i'm not so pissed off with people yet for now, but i feel it coming. i'm starting to get irritated with the black tadpole, although i'd long gotten used to his arrogance and what not.

maybe it's cause i haven't eaten the whole day apart from some Hello Pandas. maybe it's cause i had a nightmare and it's affecting me in reality. maybe it's cause something's bad is gonna happen and this is just me showing my premonitional [no such word btw] behaviour.

anything is possible, but for now i believe that it's the last.

at least this feeling of being annoyed at everything is better than crying over every single little memory right? right.

i'm gonna read a book now.

Sleeping problems.

i've been sleeping at 4 to 5 am in the morning these days. it's not that my body clock got twisted. i do get sleepy at night, like i am now. but i don't go to bed and sleep. instead, i force myself to stay awake by being on the comp.

if i sleep early, i'd always wake up for no apparent reason around 3 am. i dont like the feeling of that. that's why i'm more comfortable sleeping only when the sun is about to come up. i don't know what kind of silly logic that is.

and then another problem is my waking up a few hours later. i don't even have 8 hours of sleep or so. yet the whole day when i am awake, i don't feel so sleepy.

another problem that comes with this sleeping shit is the fact that i tend to overthink as i lay in bed. nights are when i cry the most about the younger twin. i know i should have gotten over this a very long time ago. but i can't help it.

i am undergoing my own personal training :3 am currently playing songs which remind me of the younger twin [we shall call him Red, yes], the catch being that i am not allowed to cry. not one teardrop!

i've been doing this paper chain thingy, made out of paper rings. for every night that i cry for the younger twin, i add a red paper ring to the chain. for everyday that i do not, it is black.

why am i doing this personal training shit for myself, eh? well... it is because i believe i have a crush x_x but it feels like these feelings can't develop further because of the memories with Red acting as a barrier. that's why i've got to demolish these walls.

it's difficult, isn't it. after all, it's what i've been trying to do for nearly the past year.

i have to be strong, for myself first, before i can think about lifting anyone else up. right after i stand up on my own two feet, the first direction i wish to walk forward to is towards the moon.

i want to hold the moon in an embrace no matter how high the tsunamis and seas rise. because that can be conquered as well, with the moon's bravery, and the strength that i'd have then.

that said, i am still having difficulty putting myself to sleep for tonight.

p.s. FireRed updates tomorrow. 

O LEVELS ARE OVER!!!!1

yes they are, my precious Axes, yes they are! [well, for most of us anyways, hehe]

although i was already starting to slack even before my last few papers ended, i feel glad that this battle is finally over. i may have gone through a national exam before and that is N Levels, but this feeling is entirely different.

i feel a certain accomplishment like never before, a feat which i never thought i would have pulled off. yes, i still can't believe that i made it this far. these five years of studying and exams and all that crap in school. those battles are over, we've won the war!

i really wouldnt have imagined that i'd be here. that i'd be able to go through my O Levels. i mean, looking at how my life and studies was going so horribly back in the middle of the year... really, i never would have thought.

i still feel like crying because of how far i've marched on!

though there is still the results to determine our fate.

now that exams are over, the next upcoming event is none other than prom night. i am damn clueless about dressing myself up. ended up going to Esha for help, heh. we're gonna go shopping somewhere next week, huhu ^^

i'd go for something like this.

i seem to have a thing for ribbon belts. or sashes, whatever they're called. and it'd be nice if there's a lace drop at the bottom half. that'd be gorgeous.

now that exams are over, we can all focus on something else can we? JOBS. we've got like what? half a year of holidays? school used to be my main source of income [allowance] but now that school's out, i can only depend on a part-time job to earn some moolah.

i really hope i can continue working at EK!

i wanna make some new videos. but it'd be damn difficult without humans. so might have to depend on photographs and drawings indeed.

aaahahh, i really can't wait to spend my holidays the way i want to. the next time i meet with Black, we shall have a celebratory dance (; he was as always emotionless to my excitement earlier.

i guess that's it for now. see you soon my dear Axes! hope you enjoy your holidays.

Anticipation.

it'd be nice to go to this sale. but there are so many more reasons why i shouldn't. first of all is i'd end up splurging. plus, it's too far away for convenience. and then i don't have anyone to go with. lastly, i still have a few unread books on my desk.

o well, woe is me. maybe in the future i'll have another chance. and hopefully by then there'd be plenty more appealing books!

tomorrow's my last O Level paper, after so many eons of awaiting. i'm going to lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling for the whole of tomorrow.

alright. so what are my plans after Os, i wonder? maybe i'm gonna work at dear old Explorer Kids again. it's been almost a year! many people left and came, so i'm not sure if it would ever be the same. which is good, actually.

i hope i'd be able to cope easily like i did, too. i mean, many things happened this year. i'm afraid that i lose that ability to interact properly with humans.

well at least Yani is still there {: damn i'm starting to miss the EK people now... especially those that were from my "batch", plus and minus. namely Benna, Farhan, Nasrul [i really liked these three a lot] and etc etc. those were really the days.

what would i do to turn back time, right? yup, everything. o wells. o barrels.

my solitary wardrobe photoshoot from July, if you remember. what? i was bored. 

alright. so... i wanna talk about something which is relevant to everyone. but the thing is, i don't have much general knowledge. i usually do the informal e-mails for my Malay, but today's was regarding the pros and cons of JC and Poly. i lacked the knowledge so i had to do the formal one.

the only thing i'm good at talking, which everyone can relate to, is emotions. but even that is difficult. cause everyone has their own stories. my sadness may be nothing to you. your sadness may be bullshit to me. we'll never understand one another because we've gone through different things.

everyone judges, but nobody deserves to be judged. you've never gone through what they did, so you can't think that their way of coping with it is stupid or whatever.

like how every smoker has a story. how every tattoo has a story. how every single scar on a wrist has its own story. [well i've not had a tattoo but i'm sure people have reasons for getting one]

well, these are all just my very humble opinion. but i know saying all these will never stop anyone from continueing to judge.

that aside, i find memory to be very strange. you can spend four or five years going through the same shit in school all over and over again, but at the time of exam, you completely blank out.

yet something small and meaningless always sticks to your head so easily. like how you can remember which books you've read before. which songs you've listened to before. which tumblr posts you've reblogged before. am i making sense?

Pewdie's latest gameplay made me laugh like shit.



alright, what more have we? ah, that's right. i owe Fazerah ten bucks for the class chalet fund. well thank goodness i can start working soon so i can afford to pay her already.

i guess that's it for tomorrow. be prepared for maximum euphoria tomorrow night. right after i stare at my ceiling the whole day, okay?

oh hold on, i've something to add.

so recently there'd been Hurricane Sandy. and then i saw someone tweet about how the movie 2012 had started with floods in October. coincidence? conspiracy? or maybe it's just God punishing us for believing in a movie more than believing in Him.

it's like, nak sangat percaya dengan movie, kan? ah, ambek kau obat. like that la.

alright. goudenbaye my precious Axes. damn i wish you would talk to me more, my readers.

The deafening silence.

i just fucked up another friendship.

this is not an excuse, but i'd had an emotionally rough day. i don't want to be here. and then i see my Doodle tweeting things like i'm sick of being alone, i'm sick of this loneliness. all that shit.

when the truth is; he has plenty of friends. he's one of the few best friends i'd had, one of the few i could trust. [i rarely talk about him on my blog, i know.]

but because he has many other friends, we don't hang out much. and it doesn't help that he lives in the Sengkang/Punggol/whatever area.

i don't know, but i missed this very good friend of mine. and now he's really gone.

i feel like i'm a really selfish person. someone who wants you all to herself if you show her an inch of your attention. maybe it's because i automatically think you really care just because you show a little concern.

everyday i am alone, but today i was lonely. today i wasn't alone, but it was a lonely day.

nobody hears me anymore. if nobody hears me talk, why would they listen to me speak? i feel so invisible. so invisible, that, when i sit and cry at the side of the streets, nobody notices.

this is the dream i had this morning: i had trouble speaking. this time, something was on my throat instead of my chest. i couldn't talk. when i tried to get someone to help, nobody was there.

when i did manage to talk, it was not my voice. it was a deep and unrecognisable sound, and i could barely make out what i was saying.

i struggled with my throat for a while more until some green globs came out of my mouth.

this dream is easy to analyse. that when i do speak, it's not something that i really want to say. and the more i try to talk, the more difficulty i have. and that whatever words that come out from my mouth is unpleasant and not worth hearing.

everyone may seem quiet on the outside, but their head is banging with thousands and thousands of words that they can't say.

it's so loud inside my head with words that i can't say. nobody hears me when i talk, so who would listen when i speak?

Pokemon; a childhood friend.

we all know i love Pokemon. yes, who doesn't. [who doesn't know i love pokemon and who doesn't love pokemon. muahaha.] Black & White 2 was released not too long ago, but since i couldn't play that, i decided to start back... in FireRed.

i thought i'd play the original versions first, but then i remembered all the shit about the glitches [namely Missingno and the truck which Mew was supposedly under] and the lack of individual sprites [which, trust me, is super annoying] so i ditched the idea.

so my character's name is 109 as always, while my rival was named after the black tadpole. i dont know why i did it, but it really made me smile to see his character being so annoying!

from the moment we were choosing our starter pokemon and he threw a tantrum because i got to pick first; that was when i knew that naming this annoying snob after someone who's really quiet in real life was gonna be interesting.

you know the tune that plays when the rival appears? it seriously doesn't suit the black tadpole at all! and i love it when i get the feeling like "oh no not again *groans*" each time it plays and my rival comes walking towards me. idk, it really cheers me up.

although sometimes it makes me curse at the real person when the rival defeated me. like he just did. that's why i'm taking a break now, cos i'm super pissed off.



my gosh, if i keep listening to this, it's bound to play in my head automatically when i'm meeting the black tadpole.

anyway, some FireRed updates. my current team is Charmeleon, Pidgeotto, Raticate, Gloom, Dugtrio, and Growlithe. only the first three were the consistent ones, because i had them all the longest. caught them on the outskirts of Pallet Town, that i did!

i caught Gloom as an Oddish near Cerulean City where Misty was, because she's a Water-type expert after all. i didn't have any Grass or Electric type Pokemon, and since the latter was not so common around those parts, i went hunting for an Oddish.

i caught Dugtrio at none other than the Diglett's Cave, when it was still a Diglett. i trained it til it evolved, cause i was going against Lt Surge in Vermillion City, who specialises in Electric-type.

so Vermillion was also where the S.S. Anne was. and there, i battled my rival again. if you remember my blog post from way before, the one about the conspiracy theories. the one where we supposedly kill our rival's Raticate.

well first of all, i did not injure the Raticate that badly! in fact the other Pokemon got hit worse. secondly, there was one room where you talk to a girl and she heals all your Pokemon. she did that for me ok, why wouldnt she do that for rival!?

anyway, i didn't immediately went to Lt Surge right after S.S. Anne set sail. i went around Kanto for a while actually, all the way to Celadon, where i caught a few more Pokemon and soiled Team Rocket's evil plans at the game corner.

currently i'm at Saffron City; the Silph Co. Building. i just bumped into my rival, who has admittedly grown much stronger than me.

apart from that, i'm training Growlithe and Charmeleon to go against Erika from Celadon cause she's a Grass-type expert. i can use a Fire Stone to evolve the former to an Arcanine, but well, i'm waiting for it to be strong enough first.

i think i should stop talking about FireRed now. or more like babbling if you're not a Pokemon fan. my apologies. though most of my loyal readers are fans of Pokemon too {:

if you've been wondering what happened to me on Ruby, well... i stopped playing after the Groudon episode. i was really damn irritated with it, til now. so yes, taking a break from that.

when i was a young teenager, i had Punk Rock to be there for me through my rough times. with lyrics so fun when i'm happy, and meaningful when i'm sad, it never failed to get to my emotions.

in my young adult years, i had Pewdiepie when i had nobody else. he made my days so easily without even knowing it, and watching his gameplays made me forget all the crazy things that were happening for a while.

but Pokemon's the one that has been with me my whole life. i still remember back in those days when i wasn't so knowledgeable about the strengths and weaknesses of the different Types; i always got defeated so easily.

now, i feel like such an expert when i defeat so many gym leaders on my first try! not only do i research on the Types' strengths and weaknesses to get through the game, but i do research on conspiracy theories about the Pokemon world too.

it's like a childhood friend that is still together with you. he grows up together with you. maybe as he got older he starts to become creepier or weirder [i'm starting to appreciate Sinnoh and Unova, okay?] or someone that you don't know.

i guess Pokemon is like a childhood friend of the opposite gender. at first, you just hang out and play together and stuff. but as you grow older, your thoughts start to mature. you want to know him better. you develop romantic feelings for him.

you know what? it doesn't feel like a hobby anymore. i think this is passion.

p.s. i wanna use Pokemon cards to decorate my walls.

Stammering.

I seem to speak more when i am writing. Or typing, whatever. I do talk, but i never speak up; especially in reality. Tell me who isnt like that? Not many people. I'm sure you tend to speak better on twitter than during your oral exams.

I guess i was never good with expressing my feelings in the presence of people. It's like i'm afraid i twist my words too much and people end up getting the wrong idea. And when they do, i tend to not correct them.

People assumed. Maybe because i said it wrongly. Maybe i let them exaggerate and never bothered to correct them. Maybe i was scared that if i did, they would think i'm lying or something. Because i was never good at talking. I would stammer and be suspected for lying.

I'm not sure. I don't know why i feel more guilty when all the more i was innocent. Sometimes it feels like i AM guilty of smth, but my "child-like" side is scared of punishment and doesnt want to be caught. Or maybe i'm just scared of being accused any way, and being left behind yet again.

I'm not sure if any of you get what i mean. But this are some of my thoughts right now.

Right now, the thing which is confusing me is my feelings for the moon. I care for him, i really do. In fact i dare say i care for him more than for anyone in the world. I want to look after him, to have him trust me with his own thoughts and feelings.

Because he always listens to me. He may not give thoughtful answers or even give me any reply, but he listens. He has never once told me to Shut Up when i was babbling away. And he never once interrupted me when i was talking.

He's always been the moon because of the way he tends to shy away during the daytime. He's also like an Umbreon; you have to have high friendship with him during the night to obtain him. I noticed that he always seemed happier and less tense in the nighttime.

I've watched tears roll down his eyes once. I thought that was really brave of him; to cry in front of me. That was the most he had ever spoken to me. His tears spoke for him. And it was also what made me care for him so much.

It was a crescent moon that night. This i remember because when we were walking, he paused to look up so i did too, and that was when i saw it.

He may have an affinity with the moon. But that's because it is what feeds his sadness.

Idk. I find all this easier to write out than to say to him. I doubt he even reads my blog though.

He's just so mysterious. Sometimes i thought that i know him well because of the years we've known each other. But thinking back, i know nothing about him. He's... Different.

What's more, i'd only seen him under the daylight all these years. The sun never had any effect on his emotions...

.....hmmm. I'm not sure if he'll read this, really i'm not. But if he does, this blog post is not enough to know my feelings for him. If only he could read my diary and know my more intimate thoughts about him..

Well. The sun is coming up soon, i think. I have to go. But really.. I appreciate this moon so much more than you think.

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The abuser was the victim.

why is it so difficult to be loved? it's so easy to love someone. but why does it take so much just to have a little bit in return?

was it wrong to stand up for myself? did it give the family, and the whole world reason to hate me? did i have to keep quiet for the family to love me?

if you have a problem you can talk to me, the father said. when i did, he yelled at me, call me names. i knew it; because he once got irritated like hell just because i asked him to help with a cockroach in my room. what more if it's the teen drama? he'll never understand.

he thinks i love my aunt more just because she always gets me things which he can never afford. he thinks i'm cocky just because i'm taking O levels. he thinks the lower the EMB3, the worse it is.

he called me daughter from hell when he heard i had 11 for n levels. he called me idiot when i was getting the bursary award for my n levels. i will never forget that.

my patience has limits, the boyfriend said. he left when things were getting tougher for me. was that his limit; a bucket of my tears? was his being there for me measured by his patience and not by his love?

was crying a sign of immaturity? is someone's maturity dependent on her ability to control her tears?

believe it or not i'll never leave you again, he said. who was he kidding? o, right: me.

it'll get better, they said. you'll get over it, they said. i believed everyone.

they tell me to appreciate my parents. they tell me that i should love them while they're still here. well, that's what i have been doing. they're the ones who didn't give me the attention i needed. the mother was with the older brother; the father with the younger brother.

each time i run away to seek solace in my grandmother's arms, they come searching for me, to drag me back to this house. here, they neglect me again. what's the point of having me here if they're treating me as invisible?

why would you bring home an injured cat if you have no idea how to treat it?

i gave up fighting for the love from my parents. that took me years, and even then i did occasionally try again. i don't know when i'd give up fighting for this boy's, if i ever would.

i am the victim here. but then again, i am also the abuser. because i am still too weak to stand upon my own two feet...