Days 4, 5, and 6.

i was busy. forgive me alright? i mistook 2013 for 2001. i thought i had all the time in the world, that's why i decided to start out this 30 Day Challenge. well fine, i lost the challenge okay?

still gonna finish this race by hook or by crook though \o/

Day 4: your favourite Pokemon video game. 
i'd say, it's Pokemon Ruby, hands down.

i've loved Generation 1 since, forever but Pokemon Ruby was the best game i had ever played so far.

well first of all it was the first game i played which had better graphics and individual sprites, which made the experience a lot more bearable. secondly it was probably the last generation to have cool Pokemon.

i can't help but enjoy the tense soundtrack that plays when the drought comes on. and i've always preferred the heat to floods; Groudon's disaster was nothing if compared to the heavy rain that would come with Kyogre's awakening.

i've forgotten her name, but Marge was it? the lady from Team Magma. her story was focused on a bit in the comics, and i admired her for what she went through.

not to forget how i've always wanted a Magma hoodie.

Groudon, Kyogre and Rayquaza have always been the best legendary trio ever. Groudon representing the lands, Kyogre the seas, and Rayquaza the ozone layer. don't you feel that your life is complete with these three Pokemon!?

there you have it. Pokemon Ruby may not have been the first game i've ever played; or the game from my early childhood. but i had a lot of fun playing and the joy still lingers in my memories.

Day 5: The Pokemon you love the most. 

Red, dangerous like the fire of a Flareon. 
Blue, slow like the water of a Vaporeon. 
Pink, quiet like the mind of an Espeon. 
Black, the beauty of the moon like an Umbreon. 

[this isnt exactly how the poem went but it was something like this.]

you gain this Eeveelution through friendship during nighttimes. back then, i was aquainted with someone i called Black, and our relationship evolved most underneath the moon.

it's been more than a year since i watched him cry in front of me. and i've seen a lot more ever since that night but the memory stays.

he was never there when i needed him. he was like the moon. sometimes he was the crescent, sometimes he was the full moon; but very rarely.

i must say, he did ruin my life in a way. but at that one point of time, Black was the only thing in the world that was keeping me going.

today, i am traumatised when i remember the emotions i had felt when i was with him. and i hate him. but i cant deny that i once loved this person whom i had thought was like an Umbreon.

day 6: what you called your rival. 

and speaking of which, when i played Pokemon FireRed, i named my rival none other than Black.

Black, in real life, was someone who kept to himself and was very careful not to speak or do anything which would bring down his pride. he was serious and collected.

but my rival in FireRed was the opposite. he was a snob who threw a tantrum when he couldnt pick his Pokemon first. i had fun with a rival named after Black.

____

there you have it. just catching up on what i left behind. am waiting for 'Aamir to end work, which is like, one and a half hours more.

Back in 2012.

my eyes tear in memory of my hardships.

when i was all alone among the groups of friends, in school, and i felt like i was being judged for every single move i made. if i had been with my seven girl best friends, still, i would have been sheltered at least.

sheltered from the eyes of society, and those people were also sheltered by my concern; i never bothered to give a shit about them.

but when i was alone, i was exposed, and buried by every pair of eyes that laid on me.

that was how i felt in my last year of secondary school. that was my 2012. i was alone, and everyone was watching. the more i hid myself the more i attracted attention.

i felt that way. i realised that best friends are so important for your days in school. they're more important than you think.

they eat with you so you dont starve yourself. they keep you company so you look forward to school. they make you laugh so you dont find yourself crying in class thinking of your problems.

maybe you wouldnt even have any problems at all.

i learnt that in 2012. but i'm here again, in that same state, helpless, hopeless, soundless.

I cheated, and I'm sorry.

Day 3: you favourite starter Pokemon. 
[i bet you didn't see this post, and i bet 'Aamir was expecting something else when he read the title. well, i cheated, played with the codes a little and wahlah: a hidden post.]

if you're expecting me to pick one, i can't.

but if you allow me to pick one generation of my favourite starters, i'd say it's Kanto, hands down.

come on, Red and Blue were a huge part of my childhood. i always started a new game whenever i got bored. and i was always rotating around Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and Charmander.

i didnt have any particular favourites. i always let them have their turns getting picked. i loved the three of them equally. and i still do.

back then i didnt bother knowing which Types were effective against which. i always focused on my starter and trained it, til it was stronger than any Pokemon whose type was supposedly effective against it.

my Charmeleon could defeat Misty's Water Pokemon at the second try and my Wartortle could take down all of Erika's Oddish and Vileplumes with no problem.

and i'll have you know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing a Bulbasaur. not only is it adorable but it can defeat that bitch Misty's Water Pokemon okay. think about it.

p.s. i love Misty ok.

Man of Steel with my man of steel.

Day 2: your least favourite Pokemon. 
[i regret titling my previous post as the Day's sentence. because i obviously have many other things to blog about for the day too dont i]

Pikachu.

it's the mascot for Pokemon since, like, meh. but then again that's exactly why it's my least favourite Pokemon. i may have a Pikachu hanging on my backpack, and a Pikachu dustcap sleeping on my phone, but that doesnt mean i actually like it.

come on, there are about 650 pokemon in the goddamn world of Pokemon. you'd think there'd be cute Charmander keychains or Sandshrew dustcaps or Mew earpieces but no. Pikachu. [if there are Pokemon merchandise at all]

Pikachu was fine in the beginning of the entire series, back in episode 1 where it was a stubborn and fat little thing. it was adorable then. but it grew skinnier and more attached to Ash and it just didnt seem the same anymore.

i never understood why Team Rocket was so desperate to steal Ash's Pikachu. their effort could have been made to catch their own Pichu and train and evolve it to a stronger Pokemon.

and goddamn it! they have a talking Meowth. that should be far more valuable than the lousy old common electric mouse.

you'd think by now Pikachu would be a strong ass Pokemon, having gone through a thousand battles and training in five different regions. but hell no, he got defeated by a level 5 Snivy in the fifth region it stepped in.

yupp. my least favourite Pokemon is the mascot itself.

____

so i had a terrible first day of school yesterday, but no matter. met 'Aamir in the evening and that just made the chocolate icing on the durian cake. [in other words, something unpleasant covered by something pleasant] i knew that if a day starts bad it's always gonna end otherwise!

we had dinner at Maccy D, and we made a fool out of ourselves while buying our food. i asked him to go ahead and buy his food first but he wouldnt want to leave me alone.

i needed to take care of my laptop, and he kept insisting on just leaving it there on the table! i couldnt! it's my prized possession, and i paid my hard-earned money for the goddamned thing.

"nenek pesan, jangan tinggalkan laptop sembarang!" i announced.

in the end, i went with him to the counter with my laptop in tow. he whispered fiercely at me [though with a smile on his face], "you're embarrassing me!!"

talked about the silliest little things, laughing when the other is annoyed, as always. and i told him about my bad day, and he stroked my chin every now and then as a way of comfort.

and although we are poor people with a worrying mother [his] and grandmother [mine] waiting at home, we decided to get tickets for the 7:40 show for Man of Steel.

we took these pictures while waiting for the 40 minutes to pass. i find them really adorable! he's adorable. *blush* he's so handsome but he will never be able to see it.

Man of Steel was awesome, though not as much as expected. [never been a fan of science-y movies] 'Aamir and i kept snickering at the stupidest little details of every scene, i couldnt help it!

i held his hand during the times when someone's life was at risk, or when two people were hugging and caressing each other in comfort.

and there we have it. i'd like to write about my bad day too but it's okay. it's all past, and at least 'Aamir made me happy at the end of it all.

like what i've been telling people lately: [you're gonna expect this]

if the sun ever gets blocked by dark and grey clouds when you're swimming, you're gonna have to decide if you want to stay in the pool or get out and go home. i'd tell you to stay. because the clouds are gonna clear and you can enjoy the rest of the day enjoying your swim; and when people ask you how was your swim, you're gonna tell them how much you enjoyed it, without a single mention of the dark clouds that had threatened to rain on you that day.

so i shall now think of a title for this post.

i cant help but name it Man of Steel with my man of steel. because 'Aamir is the strongest man i've ever known, for pushing his way through the walls i built around me, for seeing through me and knowing how lonely i was, for enduring the pain i brought to him.

yupp. aint no man of steel like my man of steel.

Day 1: your favourite Pokemon.

Day 1: your favourite Pokemon. 
[my computer cant type that proper e with the slash at the top, my apologies]

a Gardevoir.

i've always liked Psychic-type Pokemon, and when i first saw Gardevoir i thought she was beautiful. the ballgown that sways behind her, the colour combination of green and white, and single eye that pierces through you from beneath her 'hair'.

and how her battle cry complements her looks. her moves, her powers; they were of such an elegance. she was definitely an enchantress.

not only her, but her evolution line was beautiful in each of its own way.

i captured the first female Ralts i see every time i start a new game on Ruby, and i trained her with extra care and dedication, in battles and contests, and she was my best virtual friend.

on another note, if Gardevoir was a human she'd be mature-thinking, loyal, dedicated. the kind of woman who knows if she can look at you and regard you as someone important. once she has decided that she cares for you, she will stick with you through your difficult times, your hardships, alongside your best sides.

she will not know what to say during extremely emotional moments because she knows when your feelings are fragile, but rest assured she will stay with you for comfort until she knows you feel better.

i'm not like that right now, i know, but Gardevoir has always been my favourite Pokemon for so many reasons, and i hope i can follow her example and take care of the people i love the way she cares for who she loves.

____

and not only day 1 of the 30-day Pokemon challenge, but it's back to day 1 of school. i was looking forward to this day from the very first day of work marathon, but now it seems like it was not even worthwhile.

Damned haze!

#np radioactive - imagine dragons 

i'm waking up, to ash and dust

i wipe my brow and i sweat my rust

i'm breathing in 

the chemicals

*chokes* 

looking at the haze around me made me scared, yet at the same time excited. both emotions were of the same reason: because it all seemed so different. 

i felt like i was out of a movie, or a music video. i could picture myself in the scenery of the smoke, the stillness of my hometown, and the emotions on my face. 

i was already tired in the morning, and by the time i got to work, i was dead beat. my working hours had barely started when i already wanted to go home. 

instead, i sat down and went through Twitter, and everyone was still talking about the haze. the usual; why wouldnt school holidays extend, PSI levels, and the newest one: animals dying.

cats were dying because their lungs couldnt stand the air, or something that should sound more scientific than that. it was also mentioned that even household cats were at risk if the PSI level went a little too high for the felines to handle. 

i scrolled some more and then i saw it: the PSI had hit 400. shushan too texted me that the haze was fucking terrible. at the same time, my fever and migraine reminded my body of their existence, and i started burning up.

at that very second i swear, i swear all i wanted to do was run home and hold my cats in my arms and cry and bawl like a baby. the haze was scaring me so badly.

good thing there were no customers. and then who came but none other than Shushan. the minute i saw her, i smiled but my lips were trembling and i started crying before her. 

"eh dont cry eh!" she exclaimed. "you cry because you see cat die ah???" i had to smile when she said that \o/

and then she told me what lady boss had said to her on the day she covered me for when i was sick. she had told Shushan "this girl ah, say only that she can work everyday. then now want to take off. wahlau eh." 

and i was like, what the fuck. do i freaking control when i get sick? 

i wanted to quit on the spot.

along came a customer, though, who bought a cake for 3 bucks but didnt have small change. she gave me a fifty note, and when i asked if she had smaller change, she didnt. 

it wasnt my fault that the cash register didnt have enough ten dollar bucks to give to her as change. business wasnt that good because of the haze. 

so i was taking out the wads of two dollar bills from the cash register when she snapped, "oh please i'm not gonna take all that." [and i was like oh please, what a snob.]

[additional info: i didnt like her face at the first glance. you couldnt imagine how much of a snob she really looked. if you took hidung tinggi literally, yeah that's her.] 

so i said "well this is all there is." and just like that she placed the cake back on the counter and said, "well okay then i'm not buying anymore." 

i answered her a big fat OKAY and attempted to place the cake back to where it was, as i watched her staring at me, from the corner of my eye. she snapped, "eh girl you need to smile ok." 

and i tell you, this tone of hers was not a pleasant one. she was practically demanding me, in the same tone you would tell a pervert to stop touching your butt. 

i just stared at her. no, with no smile on my face. she looked extremely displeased and she walked away saying one last sentence, "eh this is not the way to treat a customer!" 

i would have given her a free cupcake as her trophy for being the most annoying customer ever. 

but i swear, if it wasnt for the haze getting to me, i would have responded in a much more polite manner. too bad for her. she was a snob anyway.

trut trut, FINALLY i was dismissed from work and i walked out of the human area, into the haze. i felt much better in the latter, like it was a lot more healthier than being around people. because it really felt so. 

i sat on bus 17, peacefully texting on my phone when the woman who was sitting next to me pointed at my screen and said something in chinese. "sorry?" i had said as a prompt for her to repeat in English.  but she repeated in chinese, again. 

so i said, "wo shi ma lai ren wo bu ker yi jiang hua yi." and she immediately got pissed at me. and i mean pissed as in pissed. she snapped, "may i know what is the time now?" in the same tone you would ask someone to repeat for the tenth time what you didnt hear. 

when everything was quiet between me and this stranger again,... guess what? she started humming. and her hums grew louder and louder til it evolved into a song which went on until i could hear it through my earpiece. 

all i could do was look out the window and beg from the bottom of my soul that she would stop. 

when i finally alighted at my hometown, the view scared me yet again. the haze was thick and it immediately took effect on my eyes. 

i caught sight of the one-eyed cat at the carpark and gave her some food [always carried a container of cat food in my backpack]. i was only in deep remorse that i didnt have a damp cloth to moisten her nose with.

i waited til 2 in the morning for 'Aamir to reach home from work, and about ten minutes after he announced he was home, he said he was upset, and he immediately went to sleep with a mere "goodnight."

what a horrible day it was yesterday! all i could think of was #mustbethehaze.

'Aamir and i made up this morning, over Whatsapp, and we were making plans to meet because i ended work at 4 while he was starting at 6. he was gonna fetch me from Pasir Ris!

i didnt want to blog about this actually; about how horrible the haze and its impacts were yesterday. i wanted to talk to my boyfriend instead. but here i am, just finished with my story. 

because the best part of this post, is that i was supposed to meet 'Aamir today and i was planning on telling him everything about yesterday. 

but we didnt meet because his work was cancelled due to the haze. 

Father / Daddy.

my father was the one who always yelled at me. he was the one who always hit me, accused me of wrongs out of nowhere, lacked trust in me, had his expectations, and he was the one who called me 'daughter from hell' when i told him i'd gotten 11 points for my N levels.

my father was the one who took down the photo of me from the wall, leaving an obvious gap in between the frames of my brothers'. he was the one who cleared the countertop of any photos that had my face on it, including the one of me accepting an award from Halimah Yacob.

my father is the one who chased me out of the house, six months ago.

my father is the one who refuses to give me money, who denied his responsibilities of a daughter because he had chased her away.

that was my relationship with my father. and i hated my father.

but when i said i hate my father, i left out the part where i had loved my daddy. 

my daddy was the one who always made jokes when i was down. his jokes might have been super lame and super irrelevant but they never failed to make me giggle.

sometimes he goes out of his way to make me smile or laugh, by being silly and not like an adult at all.

he was the one who paid all the bills, and my school fees, and gave me my allowance, yet he was never stingy when i wanted chocolates or a new top.

i would ask Mother to get something for me but she would say no; that is when my daddy comes in and starts gossiping, like an old woman, about how stingy Mother was.

and then he would stroke me on my head and say, "when Daddy get my pay i buy for you k? now Daddy no money already, only have money for your school allowance."

he always opened his wallet and showed me the stack of 2-dollar notes [for my allowance] and laughed it off, like it was an old joke he never got tired of telling.

my daddy was the one who got me my first camera, and my Nike shoes which cost eighty bucks.

last year whenever  i refused to go to school, he would beat me til i go. afterwards he'd send me off, although i was still emotional about the beatings, and he'd tell me to take care and study hard.

i'd come back from school to see a ten-dollar note on my desk, and a text from him, saying it was reward for me going to school.

when i read ghost stories, i usually regret when i remembered that i had to sleep alone. i would ask my little brother to sleep in my room with me but he didnt want to.

daddy was the one who asked if i wanted to watch tv in the hall with him, and i did; until i fell asleep. by the time i woke up it was time for school and there was my dad, asleep in front of the tv.

daddy was the one who thanked me whenever i got him cake and presents for his birthdays. he was the one who would kiss me on my forehead every year on mine, and wish me Happy Birthday.

daddy was the one who searched the whole of the west side of Pasir Ris, looking for me, on the night that Mother locked me out of the house.

daddy was the one who did so much for me, and he was the hand i had been holding for seventeen years.

i'd go into my childhood days but there are too many memories with the man i called Daddy.

called. 

i dare say, i miss my daddy.

it's the only reason i can think of as to why i'd cried at work earlier, when i listened to the radio DJs talk about Father's Day.

Don't obey them lists.

i've long had enough of girls posting on Twitter pictures from Tumblr. what annoys me more is most of these pictures consist of lists. lists of things they would want guys to do for them. in other words, their expectations of their boytfriends/potential wooers.

\o/ 'Aamir dont you obey those lists! you're fine the way you are. and no, i do not enjoy most of those things in their lists of things which girls like.

don't buy me flowers.
i've read about how certain types of flowers mean certain things, and you'd probably get a stalk of those representing "hate", "death", or "motherly love".

don't give me surprise visits at work.
i do not want you to see how i really am to my customers. the bullshit attitude i give you everyday is just a fraction of what i give my annoying customers.

don't call me at random times just to tell me 'I love you'.
i may be listening to my music and i do not want you to interrupt by making me remove my earpiece to answer your call.

don't hug me from behind.
i just saw a picture today, of Ju-On holding someone from behind and it's been stuck in my head.

don't play with my hair and compliment how nice it smells.
i probably didnt shampoo it today.

don't appear on my doorstep with mac's at 3am.
i'd have to give you money for a cab back to your home in JB. and that aint cheap.

don't present me a dress in a box and tell me that we've got a date tomorrow night.
you probably didnt ask whether i'd be working or not. and most probably i'd be.
and i dont trust your dress taste, and neither do i have shoes to wear with dresses.

don't make me slow dance under the stars.
...i can't.

____

i have no idea what this whole post was about

but i like you the way you are. i'm not a sweetiepie myself, and i cant do girly stuff for you like cook for you or bake cookies for you but i have my way of showing my love for you.

and i dont expect anything from you either. not any of the above. you have your own style of doing those things, so you dont have to listen to Twitter or Tumblr or what other girls like.

5 golden years.

it was supposed to be the six of us, but two of them couldnt make it. one of them lent us a CD of the Japanese version of The Ring, and we laid back at Sabrina's house, watching it while munching on freshly fried popcorn chicken.

that was August 2009. 

____

we were looking over the railings, down to the parade square when i asked Siying, "did you bring the money for later?" her face froze before she said, "oh shit." and we had to go to her house in Tampines before coming back to Pasir Ris to the scent of canadian pizza laid out on the table.

that was August 2010. 

____

"Assalamualaikum," i had announced, and Sabrina was about to reply when she saw the camera in my hand and yelled, "OY!" every single moment was recorded, collected into a montage of all the random things which happened that day. a video which can be relived again and again.

that was June 2011. 

____

they tried to get me to go. Shushan was texting me, pleading me to join them, when the other two had already given up on getting me to go. on that morning i had laid in bed as my phone vibrated again and again, calls and texts from the three of them, but i ignored everyone and resumed wallowing in self pity.

in the end i got up and made my way over, hoodie soaked in the drizzle. i knocked on the door, didnt say anything, and when Sabrina opened the door, she exclaimed my name.

everything had begun, food was laid out, and although i already told them i was dead-set on not turning up, they even had my share on the table.

that was March 2012. 

____

we're supposed to meet at Pasir Ris at 9, but here i am, still in bed, twenty minutes after 8. if it isn't for my cat i would have continued my sleep, i'm so exhausted; but i get up, and rush to have my shower.

i hop onto bus 7 from my home, because Iris told me that bus 70 would take another 20 minutes to arrive. i check my texts and am laughing at what Shushan says; and alas, i miss the stop at Paya Lebar MRT station.

the train i took keeps stopping in the middle of every other station, causing me to be more late than i already am, and there are plenty of buses that go to DTE from the interchange, but they're all late. just my luck.

i don't like being in Pasir ris, but for the sake of our 5th Reunion party, i'm standing tall here in my previous "home"town.

Siying sees me first and grins like she always does. Shushan sees me everyday but her first reaction upon my arrival was, "OHMYGOD, you're so FAT!" i ignore her and go straight to Sabrina, whom i havent seen the longest.

they've collected a whole load of snacks and drinks in their trolley, including strawberry flavoured mogu mogu for me ^_^ we act like little girls, spoilt brats who take what they want and whine when someone says no.

"latecomers must push the trolley!" announces Shushan, so i listen to her. i decide to play with the trolley, pushing myself on it across the aisle. Siying joins in and we're having a hell load of fun when Shushan comes over and decides to finally act her big sister role.

back at Sabby's humble abode; Shushan connects Sab's laptop to the television, and while they're cooking our food, Siying and i take the chance to play Youtube videos.

we watch the Bratz movie, one which i had wanted to watch when it first came, while slurping on our chicken noodles. a meaningful one i must say.

we're deciding what movie to watch next, but Sabrina makes it difficult by telling us that she's watched almost all the movies that's ever existed ]:

so we decide to webcamwhore. and webcamwhore we do and webcamwhores we are! there are about a hundred photos, and we watch them on slide show with Cher Lloyd's Oath playing in the background.

when that's done, Sabrina turns on the graduation song.

as we go on, we remember
all the times we had together
and as our lives change, come whatever
we will still be friends forever. 

and we sit aligned in front of the television, song playing, lyrics on screen, as we sing along with all our hearts and souls. it feels so sad, like this is the last, when i know there are gonna be a lot more Reunion parties in the future!

this is June 2013. 

and this is 2013. we've gone on separate paths but we're still keeping our friendship because our days together are gold {:

Someone from my childhood.

back when MTV had cool music with just as cool music videos; i would be watching my cartoons but you'd come along and change channels.

i'd throw a tantrum at first, but you ignored me til i eventually watched what you were watching. i liked the hits from then, and this particular one stood out every time its music video played.

i asked you why you never rode on your skateboard like that. i told you she was what i would call a 'tomboy', a word you taught me. we laughed at how her hand stuck out when she was singing, and how funny her face looked at the end of the music video.

those were the days. i never understood the song, but i started watching MTV more with you, waiting for that music video to come on. when it wasn't on television, i would sing with wrong lyrics and you would laugh, frustrating me.

just recently i started listening to the song again, and not only do i understand its lyrics now, but i realise that it actually resembles you.

#np Complicated - Avril Lavigne 

i'm not sure when or why you changed. perhaps your society in secondary school got to you, or maybe it was your girlfriend. or maybe it was Mommy's pampering, or the way Daddy seemed to get angry at you all the time.

you never teased me anymore. you hit me and made me cry more often than laugh. we used to laugh about the silliest things but you stopped talking to me completely.

you did become somebody else around everyone else. the elder brother i knew from my childhood was gone; not only in the sense that he went away, but he completely became someone i didn't recognise.

nobody else saw how you and i were in my childhood. and that saddens me. but what saddens me more, is that you and i will never be that way ever again.

some people feel touched when someone who used to be special writes a letter to them. i wrote you many before, slipped under your door on your birthdays. and here i am, about half a year since we've last stayed under the same roof, writing you a blog post.

you are not the type of person who would give a shit about your sister. you are not the type to visit your aunt's house and give your sister any regards.

you had contributed to my childhood but i grew up watching you turn into an asshole. the best part? you were only an asshole in my eyes, because you pretend to be the best to everyone else.