i once told you, if my days started getting numbered, i'd treat you like shit so tht when i leave you won't be sad. i thought maybe tht was ur reason for regarding me like a piece of chewing gum. but right now, i really dont have time to think of tht.

i'm gonna start treating you like fuck.

if i was still ur God sister,
today would have made it eight months.

6:39 PM, you asked me.
6:42 PM, i answered. and my life changed.

tht changed everything. idk if it was the kiss on the forehead, idk if it was ur question, idk if it was my answer. all of tht ended our best friend relationship and started tht confusing couple-like sibling relationship. idk, maybe i regretted letting you kiss my forehead.

but it's okay, for a period of time, i felt bliss because ur brotherly love for me filled the hole tht my real older brother left behind when he 'left' me years ago. i do want to thank you for tht. maybe tht is what these anniversaries are for. to thank.

at times like these, i'd usually be at 500A.

i'm reminiscing. and it's very painful, but i cant help it. in fact, i WANT to go thru those times. i know i once told you tht what's past is past and tht we shouldnt waste our present thinking of it. but, just This once. let me lose my pride here.

of course, i haven't surrendered to YOU. i wouldn't want to go on my knees in front of you. right now, by wanting to bring back the past, i am losing to myself. yes, i'm a loser. but so what? at least i have not begged YOU to come back.

i'm out of my mind.
but only in my presence. when others are around, i act all superior, high and mighty and pretend i dont care. it's not because i'm afraid my friends would worry for me. it's my pride, once again.

when im alone, i break down. i cry when i'm by a place we were at once. i sniff and sob at the fact tht you left me for another girl. i wallow in self-pity , because i blamed everyone for the state tht i was in.

idk, i think i have said enough for tonight.

i had a dream where you died.

ur ghost was outside my house, and i was looking at you when you suddenly faded away, real slowly. when u were completely gone, i just Stared at the spot where u were standing at. at tht moment in the dream, i was just Shocked.

the next day was a sch day. during recess we were all allowed to leave sch and loiter at 458A. in the dream there was another carpark in the place of block 457, but i only frequented 458A, as so other students.

i started recalling mmrs i had with you at tht carpark, and then two of my friends came along and started talking to me, but i disregarded them cos i was emoing. once their backs were turned i ran off to the other carpark, and i saw those two friends watching me ran all the way to the rooftop.

once i got there i started screaming, tears were running down my cheeks and i couldnt stop yelling ur name.

i woke up screaming, before realizing it was all a dream. i immediately looked for my phone and texted you. and when you didnt reply despite four hours having been passed, i started to lose control. i kept thinking of the worse. and i kept writing and scribbling violently just To get my mind off things.

and then you, you texted me. knowing tht you were alright felt so much like discovering a cure for a killer disease.

i thought of a few theories as to why i was insomniac for the past few days then. i shared them with you, which was , i was insomniac only if i sleep alone or in another room. you told me to sleep with someone, to which i said none of my family wanted to sleep in my room.

you were like, "wow. sleep with me then." i showed a face, and you sighed, "if only it's possible." i was surprised tht you were willing, cos "my room is damn scary at night", i said. you answered, "how to sleep at ur place anyway. if your family finds out, jialat." you sounded so serious, and i was alr thinking things.

i left you alone aft tht, and then you suddenly said; "Dek. i love you."

and i knew tht the great feeling i had wasnt anything to do with our sibling-ly love.

i told you tht i was restless when you didnt text me at all the whole day the day before (you were on an EBS trip to singapore poly or something) , you kept pestering me to admit tht i missed you. when i finally gave in to you, i admitted something to myself too. ....but i kept trying to deny it.

you suddenly asked me if there was anything i wanted to tell you. i asked myself if you were an esper, but i said to you No? with a question mark. i asked you if YOU had anything to tell me. to tht, you said; "yeap. i love you dek! *chuckles* kay tht's all."

and then i admitted it to myself again.
but then i denied it again.

when i went out of the country, i couldnt stop thinking of you. and when i came back from out of the country, you were the first person i wanted to meet. and you were the only person i met when i returned.

you fetched me from underneath my void deck, and again, i remember the exact spot where you were waiting. we started walking but then i told you i wanted to walk another route, which was the longer way.

as always, we talked. i told you many things i discovered when i was in malaysia. i told you abt the brightest star on the highway which i named after you. i told you abt how i was waiting so long for something, and when it was finally gg to happen, i kept having the urge to do something tht will make waiting for it for nothing.

you looked at me blankly after i said tht. you didnt understand, so i gave an example, i said; "i was waiting to be near in singapore again cos there'd be reception and all my texts would come. but when i was waiting to get near the border in the car, i kept having this urge to open the car door and throw my phone away."

you laughed. i must have sounded ridicoulous.

it was indeed a long way, but i had fun talking to you and i never really got tired. when we got to PRP, we were walking thru the grass when i sunk into the mud.. you laughed at me bcos i deserved it for being lazy and for wanting to walk tht shortcut.

i gave you grape flavoured gum. i scolded you when you threw the wrapper anyhow, but you completely ignored me, and we contined walking. you brought me to a place tht, according to you, was newly built. i had never been there before you showed me.

we were seated when i saw you blow a bubble from the corner of my eye. but by the time i turned, it had already burst. i asked you to blow one more bubble for me, and you smiled a little, telling me to wait. so i looked at you while waiting.

you looked back at me from the corner of ur eye, and we remained like tht, you looking at the sky and me staring at you chewing, in silence. until you laughed. i was taken aback, and then you laughed out, "stop staring at me!"

i loved ur laugh.

when you were done with ur chewing and demo of bubble-blowing (thanks to me), you started looking around on the ground. i watched you pick up a leaf, wondering what was it tht you were up to.. apparently, you were looking for something to spit out your gum onto. and tht was what you did, you spat ur gum into the leaf, before throwing it back to where you found it. and then you said, "go back to nature!"

i told you i wanted to watch the sun rise, and then you told me you once saw, and it was beautiful. you said i should really see it sometime. i was surprised tht you could see it from ur house, and you said tht i should be able to see it from my house as well.

me: what abt my bedroom ?
you: yeah, can.
me: eh, step kau tahu bedroom aku eje.

tht made you laugh. i liked tht embarrassed and lost face of urs before you burst into small chuckles. in fact i made you laugh alot tht day. i just Dont rmb the reasons.

occassionally you'd have ur arm around my shoulders as usual, and i kissed ur cheek alot of times too. idk, i was probably opening up to you more and more. i told you abt how a little voice in my head asked me why i'd missed you and not my then crush when i was in malaysia. you laughed, and ur reaction told me tht you never really thought of tht urself.

as usual we only got up to leave a little after it got dark. this time, YOU suggested walking another long way back . tht long route was really dark, and as usual there was not many ppl there. i had my hand on ur arm.

at one point you parkoured, like you always do, and when you almost fell into the canal, you really scared the shyt out of me. but i didnt show it, i just Scolded you w/o showing any reason clearly. you laughed at my annoyed face and we contined walking.

the bridge there used to scare me. as we were walking thru it, you searched for my hand and held it . when we got to my void deck, i gave you one last kiss on ur cheek before watching you leave.

i was trying to cheer you up.
and i was really, really satisifed when i saw how happy you looked tht day.

she dumped you.

you were angry when you came to me. this time you scolded me when i went up to the carpark without you again though you told me to wait at the ground floor. you wouldnt stop frowning as you looked away. you refused to look at me, and i got scared.

we stayed like tht in silence, the both of us refusing to look at the other. then, from the corner of my eye, you stood up. i watched you. you came over to me and sat beside me. and then you grabbed my hand.

it started raining, but i was too lazy to move so i told you tht i wanted to stay there. what's the english word for "tempias" ? well we stayed there indeed, in silence, caressing each other's hands, when you stood up real quick suddenly.

idk what happened, but there was water all over you ! a puddle was forming at where you were sitting at, and you were looking at me with a shocked face. i started laughing, and you told me again to sit somewhere else. i followed you walk one level down, laughing away at ur annoyed face.

and we sat down, and held hands again.. you placed an arm around my shoulders as usual, and you wanted to kiss me when your specs got in the way. tht was epic, you were so fed up and you swore at them.

you knew i didnt like it when somebody looks at my face up close. but you still forced me to look at you whenever i was looking away. repeatedly, you'd gently push my face towards your direction via my chin. but i refused, i just Didnt like it. you tried to comfort me but in the end i just Faced somewhere between 'away' and 'at you'.

back then, i knew something happened. i knew tht sommething happened to you, and i felt tht you were sad at tht time. after a long time of silence, you looking at me and me looking at you from the corner of my eye, i turned to you and i said; "something happened to you on thursday. and you ain't telling me what."

you denied it. i decided not to argue and looked back away. cos i alr knew anyway.

tht day, you didnt send me home cos you had to go meet ur twin. i was watching you look at cars when i suddenly asked you for a hug. you didnt question me, you didnt hesitate a moment. you smiled a little and pulled me in an embrace, which got tighter and i doubted tht you were soon letting go.

but you did.
and i watched you leave.
and i didnt blame her for dumping you.

worse news ever.

not only do i keep coughing and i end up making weird noises from my throat, and not only is my fever getting worse... but.. .....fuck, this is SO. FUCKED. UP.

they're breaking down 500A.
they're fucking breaking down the rooftop of 500A.
the carpark rooftop where we had the most memories.

where we slacked as best friends. where we played truth or dare on with faris and jiajing. where you cycled down to the ground floor with me standing on the back of ur bike. where you asked me if you could kiss my forehead. where you hugged me really tightly , where i hugged you , where you spent my fifteenth birthday with me.

IT'S GONE.
and i cant stop crying.

maybe i should tell you what they're doing, but idk if you'd care anot.
but i cant. i cant stop crying, and i cant stop punching the wall. im sad tht the memories are going, and im angry too . but... idk what im angry at. i think im angry with you . this discovery is making me .... mad at you. im blaming you. damn .

i cant stop...

you asked me out again the next day. i told you to meet at the carpark where we were slacking at the day before, though i wanted our usual carpark, which was where we always slacked at before we got caught there on camera in our sch uniform.

you told me to wait at the entrance of the carpark. i reached there early, and i didnt feel like waiting for you, so i went ahead up to the rooftop. you seemed a little angry, but at the time i really didnt give a hoot. i moved away from you.

you came to me, and then you started hanging ur arm across my shoulders again. eventually your hand moved towards my waist.. and then ur other arm went across my stomach. you interlocked ur fingers, leaving me in between ur arms, and once again in ur embrace.

ur hug got tighter as we stayed there silently. idk why, but i kept pushing you away. but you were persistent, you didnt stop hugging me back, and eventually you did ask, "why ...?" well damn, you HAD to go low, ur voice. i never could resist tht low whisper of urs..

i didnt answer. but i allowed you when you tried to hug me again aft tht. this time i placed my head on urs when you had urs on my shoulder.

you asked me; "can i lie down on you?" i asked you how, cos i really didnt know, and you led me by making me lie down on the stair steps the way you did when i fell asleep on you the day before. and then you placed ur head on my chest. you had me place my arms around ur neck, and we stayed like tht....

you fell asleep. i wanted to kiss you, but everytime my lips were halfway to ur cheek, i retreated. i did the same even when u were awake, and finally, i think you got irritated, and you just Kissed ME. you kissed me again ans again. i finally got the guts to return one..

when you got up from my chest you hugged me again. we stayed like tht for hours... when we were leaving, you looked at ur watch and was shocked, "it's alr seven plus, we've been here since, like, four!" LOL

you sent me home. when we were walking , as always we talked. aand then you got despo to piggyback me. well at tht time i was having my period, so i didnt feel like it... -embarrassed- you've been wanting to piggyback me since a long time before we were God siblings though. so i told myself tht the next time you asked me for a piggyback, i'd oblige (:

when i got home, i started wondering.
cos i knew you were in a relationship. with my best friend.

i can't sleep.

in the past, whenever i woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep no matter howhard i tried, i'd text you. you once told me before tht you are up at 4 AM every morning, no matter what.

there was a period where i couldn't sleep for a few nights straight, i kept waking up, and it all started on my grandmother's 69th birthday. on the morning of tht day, its wee hours, i was texting you. i told you i had a nightmare.

i think you tried to comfort me. you told me it was just A dream, like any other normal person would. i listened to you, so i tried to sleep again. but then you texted me, so my phone rang and woke me up.

i rmb ur text.. you told me you missed the day when we were at PRP together. the day we first held hands and hugged and all tht. i think i smiled to myself in the darkness... you made me miss tht day too . so i said to you one day we can do tht again. you immediately asked me when . it was like you were so eager to do all tht with me again.

i spent the next hour thinking of tht day too, re-enacting everything in my head. until my alarm went off and then i got ready for school.

in the evening, you told me you were slacking with the 3/1 guys nearby. i told you i was gg to slack too, and then you asked me if you could join. i said sure why not, and then you said tht you were alr at my void deck. i rmb thinking to myself, "WTH, so fast ?"

i rmb the exact place you were sitting at. when i met up with you , i noticed you spiked ur hair at the back, which was very rare.. i rmb saying tou once before tht day tht you'd look better if you were to spike ur hair.

as we walked, you started talking as usual , and then at one point when you went silent, i said, "i kept playing over and over in my head what happened on tuesday.", which was the day at PRP. when you said to me "what happened on tuesday?",... you kind of disappointed me. i was quite sad when i heard tht.

we passed by a carpark, and carparks being my fave place, i asked you if we could go up to slack there for awhile. i rmb what you were talking abt as we climbed the stairs up to the rooftop. you were talking abt "Billionaire". yeah, tht song.

just Nice, as we got to the other side of the rooftop, where the other flight of stairs were, it started to lightning. we sat at the stairs, and i was looking at the sky when a flash of lightning suddenly appeared, so i was shocked. i looked down.

you immediately placed an arm around me. lightning continued to flash, and when it finally stopped, you still didnt let go of me. i said to you, "uhm, there's no more lightning." your exact words were, "it's okay, i like hugging you. ...i dont know why, but i like hugging you."

but you released me when i told you directly tht i wasnt who ur stead was then.
"i'm not asleah."
i said tht.

i forgived you really quickly though. you still placed an arm over my shoulder after tht, and this time i didnt say anything. i held ur hand. you grabbed my other hand which was nearer to you, and we stayed like tht for a long time, in silence. i closed my eyes.

i WAS sleepy. aft all, the night before, i didnt get enough sleep. so i fell asleep right there and then. i heard your heartbeat in my dream, and i woke up to realize tht i was on yr chest. i looked at you. and you smiled.

you told me what happened, you said tht i was leaning in towards you, and my weight was pushing down on you more and more. you said you had no choice but to lie down, cos the edge of the staircase step was hurting ur back.

at first i was embarrassed. but then eventually i got really happy.

we both had to go after tht. we stood up, and i was walking in front of you. you pulled me into a hug. i dont know how long we hugged. your embrace got tighter, so i had to hug you with tht strength too. you were kissing my neck, and i was, again, smelling ur scent on urs.

eventually i released you. or maybe you released me. i never made the first move, but i also never made the last move.

when we were out of the carpark, i told you i was gg right. but you were sadly gg left. so i said goodbye and started to walk off . again, you pulled me back, and you hugged me once more. this time, you whispered to me, "love you." i released myself and i actually said "huh?" and then i said, shyly, "love you too.." and then i turned and walked off.

of course, every few steps, i looked over my shoulder and took a glance at you.
until when i turned to look at you again but you were alr gone.

i'm not in sch today.

i was caught in the rain yesterday. because i felt like walking around town on my own. i like walking. hot or cold, it doesn't matter. i've walked home from sch at around 2 pm. the sun was in my face, but tht was probably what i enjoyed. i didnt mind the sweat, i didnt care if i fainted, i didnt think abt heatstroke.

before i met you, i never really liked walking. maybe it was because whenever we went somewhere to slack, you'd force me to walk. but one thing i liked was tht you were patient. when i was lagging behind, you slowed down. when i stopped for awhile, you waited. you kept looking over your shoulder to take a glance at me. but you always didnt say a word.

i liked it when you held my hand as we walked. whenever you suddenly grabbed my hand, i was never surprised. maybe cos i was expecting it. the first time we held hands was the day after you asked me to be your God-sister. i was leaning towards you, and when i got up, you asked for my hand. so i gave it.

you were on my left, so my first hand tht ever held yours was my left. when you kissed my hand, i was surprised. cos i liked it. and you also placed my hand on your cheek. your thumb gently caressed my hand, and i placed my other hand over yours. our arms were intertwined, and you said how small mine were compared to yours.

i never really looked at your face as all tht happened. you asked me why i kept looking down, and you even said tht i was crying .

you pulled me towards you suddenly at one point, and when you had your arm over my shoulders, you stroked my hair alot. i think you even kissed my head. i remember you saying how soft my hair was. and then you kissed my head again.

i kissed you on your cheek. i was shy, i made a quick move and straightway withdrew back to looking down. you still caught tht kiss though, and in return you gave me one quick one on my cheek too. but you asked me for another cos you missed..

idk how long we stayed there, just Holding hands, with my head on your shoulder, talking.. and then it got dark, so you told me to go home.

i told you i didnt know my way out. to tell you the truth, tht was a lie. cos you said you weren't gg home yet, but i wanted you to walk with me out. well at least i managed to get you to walk out of the park with me.

you asked me, "do you want to hold hands while walking?" so we did...

when i said goodbye, i turned straightway and started walking, but you grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. i remember smelling your scent on your neck.. you said bye Dek. and once you released me, i walked home. in my new shoes. in your old shoes.

and tht was my first 24 hours of being your God-sister.

i got back my june 2009 today. it was found, when i lost it nearly a year ago. i'm reading on my own, reminiscing and smiling a little to myself as i recall all those times. all those times. with you.

today was the first day of school.

i was looking out the railings... when i suddenly felt like turning. and there, smack dab in my face, was yours. you were so freaking near me and your voice increased when you were there. why ..? why did i have to turn around when you were where i was about to look of all times, of all places?

and why did i turn away with tears forming in my eyes? and why did i turn around and ran off suddenly when i saw you? why was facing you so hard to do ?

i dint bring much to school today. i merely brought my three usual pens, my january notebook, my novel, my phone, money, earpiece, .....and your shoes. your old shoes. the shoes you gave me because mine were broken back then.

i've gotten a new pair of shoes, though i refused to . but my parents insisted and even scolded me for it, so i was forced to get a new pair... but i still treasure my old shoes. which were, your old shoes. your old shoes which you gave me nearly eight months ago.

those shoes were the only things you have ever given me. it'll be a real pity if choy choy my feet grew out of those one day... they've seen me thru thick and thin.. these shoes hold memories.

in may, we were with my then crush, who saw the holes in my shoes and went all, "eh, don't you have any other shoes?" when he was gone i immediately went into depression because i was embarrassed. after all he WAS a rich guy.

and then you asked me what size are my feet . and the very next week, when i had completely forgotten about it, you brought down a pair of shoes, size eight. i said there was no need but you insisted so i took them and tried them on... and they were alright. they fit.

the shoes were old and used, cos they were your old ones, you grew out of them ages ago. but i didnt mind. i liked it tht way. to me they were perfect. at tht time i was thinking about how you were SO big brotherly towards me. not just Regarding the shoes, but about the kiss on my forehead as well, which happened the day before,

a little before you asked me to be your God-sister.

i've been trying to sleep since eleven thirty, but i've spent the past two hours thinking of you, and it's keeping me awake.

school starts in less than six hours later, and i'm afraid. i fear seeing you. i'm scared. i don't want to hurt you the way i did in those dreams. all tht blood everywhere as you bled, the non-stop flowing of my tears, the screams i couldn't stop, the blows you were dealt with over and over.

or maybe what scares me is the fact tht you can do worse to me. after all, you taught me everything tht i know. so no matter what i use, whether my fists or a metal plank , i know you will still win over me. i just Aint thinking straight these days.

i can't stop thinking of the impossible. i keep making up futures which i know are non-existent and will always be. i keep thinking tht we are meant to be, i keep wondering how it'd be like to sleep with you, and i keep telling people tht you'd come back . i can't stop persuading people tht you did love me, tht you do love me. i must have been out of my mind.

but still... i believe in hope. hope takes things slowly. so does fate.

one year after another, we keep falling out but our relationship becomes better when we pull back together. in 2009, we were best friends, but you left me before the year even ended. in 2010 you came back before it was even half the year. and you got me to be your sister. don't you get what i mean?

i'm not trying to say anything, it's what i think and what i can make out. it's fate. why must you of all people started liking my best friend of all people, at the same time when she became closer to me again of all people? don't you see? this is fate's doing.

it's my first time thinking about fate. i've never experienced such coincidences before... but these are just my thoughts. you dont have to think the same... just My opinion...