Aamir with two A's.

my first impression of him was, "what a jerk."

he had thanked me for following back, but i didn't know who he was so i said, "sure, but who are you?" his response was rude, in my opinion; "i'm just someone who follows you randomly. can't i?" 

"bitch, i was just asking, what the hell is your problem?" i replied; but a much, much more polite version. 

it was around the time when everyone was putting their birthdates as their Twitter name, and i saw that he had, too. it was the first few hours of the day after Christmas, and i saw him tweeting shit like, "will anybody wish me for my birthday?" 

well, it was not even 15 minutes and plenty of people already had, looking at the amount of Happy Birthdays he had retweeted. 

i judged him for that, and i did have something against birthdays, so i further thought of him as a jerk. 

along came another one of those lazy days where i was just slacking my ass off in front of the computer. Pewdie's "i don't know about you but i know about Clemmyclue" came to mind suddenly; and like what we all do with our thoughts, i tweeted it. 

he responded to it, and we had a conversation revolving around my favourite Youtuber. at one point he asked me a question and when i answered, he said, "oh i knew that. i just asked to keep the conversation going." 

i really thought he was a jerk. 

i've no idea why, but i really like to interact with people i thought were jerks, for whatever perverse reasons. i was always adding my own comments to his tweets, as much as i really didn't like him. 

there was this one tweet of his which i quoted and added my own opinion to. when he replied to it, i got really annoyed because i was just agreeing and adding my own comments, i don't need you to reply to it, don't i? [that's what i think quoting is for okay]

he called me a prettyhead, and my inner response was oh fuck you.

i really had something against him, for whatever reasons. 

i was once on the train leaving Pasir Ris, and i tweeted some cheem English phrase about why i don't enjoy being in the place. he retweeted and said afterwards how attractive girls with good English were. i knew straightway that he was referring to me. 

we talked right there, on Twitter, and at the end of the conversation he tweeted; do you have a boyfriend ): again, i knew somehow that he was referring to me. 

after those strange series of interactions, i found myself looking through his Twitter profile whenever i could. when i was doing so, i would always tell myself, is this jerk still following me? he'd better be. 

that was the excuse i gave myself for stalking his profile. i saw the pictures of him in his suit and i thought he actually looked kind of familiar. 

i once tweeted a webcam picture of myself and i got so pissed at him for retweeting it. why the hell would you retweet that, now everyone's gonna see and freaking judge me. 

and so, came 2013 and he excitedly announced that he was going to be 17. i replied to it, about how i was turning 18, and he got so shocked. "are you serious O: why are you so old", he said. 

as much as i still didn't really like him, we had a proper conversation and he ended up getting my number. 

the first thing i said to him in our Whatsapp conversation was how i'd found his face familiar; like i'd seen it in a dream before. 

the first thing he said to me was "i need a name. to be honest i saved your number as Crush." 

and i was like, ohmygod kill him. 

he told me about his past relationships, although i swear i did not once brought up the topic. he tried to coax me into telling him mine, but i totally refused. 

i didn't really want him to like me for so many reasons. i showed him bits of my ugly side, the scars beneath my hat [a metaphor for my inhumane thoughts] but somehow it just further fueled his crush on me. he said i was unique. well i thought that was bullshit. 

no matter, i still replied him whenever he texted me. i gave him my opinions on life here and there, and he always emphasised on how mature he thought i was. 

he constantly reminded me about his crush on me, though i did nothing to regard it.

over the short period i found myself talking to him more and more. he had called me on the day of our O levels results and told me how he felt about his. idk, but i really liked his voice. 

i'd gone to the airport that night and on my way back, he called me again. he told me how he had told his best friend about me, how unique he thought i was and how he had a crush on me. 

we first met at the airport, and as annoying as he was, i thought he was really cute. i enjoyed his company a lot, though i was trying so hard not to show it.

yes my Axes, if you hadn't already guessed, i met Aamir on Twitter. he lives in Johor, but he's Singaporean alright. that's why he's a leopard cat; because you'd have to pay and travel just to see him. [it's a silly metaphor but i like it okay] 

again, this boyfriend is a lot more popular than i am. i've met and hung out with three of his friends but he's never met any of mine before. [thats because i don't have any] i've never showed him off to anyone like how he does me to his friends. 

he was proud of having me as his girlfriend from the very start, but it was only after our first kiss that i really felt more feelings towards him. i don't know if you find this weird, but that kiss did seem like a "lock" of some sort. 

it's far too early to say anything more, but i know i really like Aamir for who he is. 

i'm an asshole for being a douchebag one second and a sweetie the next. 

Catching up.

my apologies for my prolonged absence...!
shh, i'm here to blog now, thank you for your patience.

so we all had our O Level results some eons ago, and despite not having reached anywhere near my initial targets, i'm proud of whatever i'd gotten.

and according to Mrs Chew, i was her only student who had gotten a distinction for English {:

first person i called was Black, who surprisingly answered, and when i told him about my English, he went, "see... i knew you could do it..."

i was about to recite the scores for the rest of my subjects but he cut me off; "i'm kind of busy now." and just as suddenly as he had came, he was gone. as always.

went to Sabrina's house to change because i had came from work so i had clothes other than the school uniform [which i dread wearing].

Granny called to say that Mother was at Guilley, so i decided to stay out til she'd gone home. i went on a solitary escapade to the airport and got myself donuts while writing in my diary.

i gave Syamirul  a call and told him my L1R4. he agreed with me about it being terrible, but when i told him my distinction for English, he exclaimed, "wow congrats man, i'm so proud of you man!"

so i reached Guilley around 9, and i thought of running away when i saw Mother through the window. she was definitely there to know about my results, which i'd already decided some time ago never to reveal.

i showed my slip to my uncle first, and along came my granny who told me to just show Mother how good i had done.

i hung around in the kitchen with my uncle first, and along came Mother who announced that she was going, before turning to me and demanding, "where's your results? i want to see your results."

she was disregarded of course, until she got really pissed and started yelling for me to show her my slip. like she always does.

she continued screaming at me until i finally had the courage to answer, "you don't have the rights to know, because you treated me like shit during my O levels period right?"

she lost it, and shrieked, "i am your mother, E'indah. i am your mother!"

"yeah, so what the hell were you doing to me during that critical period?"

idk, she was totally losing it, and my aunt was screaming at her too. i don't want to go into the details too much but Mother ended it off by announcing that she was cutting off all ties with me.

all i could say was, "i thought you already did that a long time ago."

she started hitting me, and that was when my uncle stood up and said, "you don't have to hit her." they were all arguing, these siblings, about me, while there i was curled up in the chair with my uncle's arm around my shoulders.

i was so scared, i really didn't like the loud voices and i didn't want to remember everything they were saying.  all i could do was run from the kitchen and hid in the room, and started crying.

when she was gone,... my aunt came and hugged me, reminding me "i'm with you."

came Saturday, my second off day, which i spent at the airport writing in my diary. Aamir came along and we sat at a ledge by the viewing plaza, talking about the least important things in our lives.

he sent me home; the very first time someone had bothered to send me all the way to Paya Lebar. it was a long bus ride on which he made me listen to his One Direction songs, that, according to him, reminded him of me.

it was raining and there were puddles everywhere, and as much as he was initially reluctant, we jumped in them, laughing, forgetting all our restrictions.

had applied for JAE at work, with Shushan coming to help me, a few hours before its deadline. a Malay lady came and saw what i was doing and she gave some last minute advice which actually did help.

just so you know, Shushan and i work in the same place {: she knew how i'd been stealing the food from the shop, but she still thinks i need to eat proper meals. she's always buying me mee soto, and she even knows how i don't want taugeh.

i've been pissing the lady boss off a lot as of late, and there was that one day when she was really angry at me over a misunderstanding. i gave a gloomy face the rest of the day and Shushan was sweet enough to try and cheer me up the whole time.

i love my job; i like being alone in the mornings. and when the lady boss or colleagues are around, there's always something happening which makes me laugh and giggle to myself even when the moment was long over.

okay, i just really dislike the miscommunication issues. every customer is always talking Chinese to me, though i really enjoy surprising the Malay ones by speaking the language to them suddenly.

i met one who knew at first glance that i was Malay, who cleared whatever doubt he'd had by asking, "Adek Melayu eh?" you can't imagine how blissful i had felt when he walked out of the shop, to the extent of repeating the sentence in my head over and over again.

as i'd mentioned, i've always been stealing the bread, particularly the hotdog buns; i really love those. many customers do so as well, apparently, because they're always selling like hotcakes despite the boss making dozens of them every evening.

there was this one morning with only one hotdog bun left, and i was about to take it for myself when i decided not to, for no apparent reason; as much as i did want to.

along came a little girl, who had this really sad look on her face... but when she saw that there was one hotdog bun left, she smiled to herself, took it and hopped to the counter where i was.

i was so proud of myself for having not taken that last bun. [though i still steal a lot of bread everyday]

and then there are the days with Aamir. we'd gone to Woodlands Waterfront last Thursday, after parting with his friend Nabil Smurf, who has this talent in making music. not bad at all.

once again, on the bus trip to WW, Aamir forced me to listen to his songs again. we bumped into a friend of his and i listened to their conversation which was so amusing.

Aamir stroked me on the head and said to his friend; "i care for her so much." that softened me; i'm not sure if that's the right word but i felt that way, you know?

it was freezing at the jetty [or whatever it's called] but i really liked being there. whenever you think there is nothing much to look at, expand your horizons and you'll discover abundant of things to see.

last Saturday was another off day for me which i spent at the airport with the main intention of blogging. but Aamir was so disruptive that i really didn't get much done. we managed to watch some Pewdiepie though!

so i decided to bring him to Orchard without telling him why. it was only when we reached Ion Orchard did i tell him i was bringing him to somewhere with ink, with the intention of letting him presume it to be a tattoo parlour. every step of the way, he was protesting against it and i was so amused!

well, it was a bookstore; none other than my good old friend {prologue}. i spent some eons there looking for books because there was a sale, and i ended up buying two {: despite the amount of unread books piling up at home.

we watched Mama yesterday, and it had a good story despite the unnecessary sound effects at some points of the movie. i liked that scene on the cliff with Mama on one side and Annabelle on the other, with the girls in between reaching their hands out to each other.

not only because it was picturesque in the sense of cinematography, but because it resembled my state as well; i've not talked to my brothers for such a long time just because of the tension between my parents and i.  what right does the latter have to interfere in my relationship with my brothers?

i'm done here. for now.

and yes, my Axes. i'm together with Aamir. when we first started out, i had my doubts about him but we'd been spending so much time together that i feel i can let go of my past already. thank you Aamir, and thank you Axes for all the support, whether or not you dare show it.

and this is me. 

i really can't smile. 

Nimble.

am currently at the airport, my usual solitary escapade at Dunkin Donuts, except this time, it is not solitary. 

i have 'Aamir with me now, and he's been distracting me til i havent been able to get any work done. i owe my Axes posts from the last few weeks, my last post was ten days ago. 

the time i'd been absent has been peanuts, so many shit happened. i've been wanting to blog about it, but i was so busy with work. been working 10 hours each day since the New Year with only three days off, so my pay had better be worth the bullshit i'd gone through. 

i have a draft for the post explaining my past weeks, but havent had the time to elaborate and shit. this is just a quick post because i've only 36% left on my laptop, just letting you know that i am fine, and that i will be blogging soon. just not sure when. 

ok thanks for taking the time to read this very swift post of mine, if you even realised i was missing. will get back to you soon. 

#CutForJustin?

i know i may be a little late on this, but recently there had been this trend on Twitter that is #CutForJustin. i don't know when or how it started, but i heard it's because Justin Bieber had been taking drugs, and his fans are cutting to show their devastation at this.

i've seen the pictures, seen the tweets; you can't imagine how pissed i am at this trend.

it's not only unacceptable in the way that these fans are cutting themselves because of someone who doesn't know of their own individual existence.

why doesn't anyone cut for the soldiers who had perished for the country, or children who starved to death, or heroes who died in their sacrifices; why doesn't anybody cut for them?

what about the other teenagers who had resorted to drugs too? they may have had gone through suffering much more painful than whatever Bieber's reasons are for doing so.

this trend might have an impact on those people, you never know. maybe they did it for attention from their family, friends, the society, whatever. but when they see how much attention a freaking pop star is getting for the same thing, these people might just sink deeper.

what about the teenagers all over the world who has always been cutting, since childhood maybe, because of domestic abuse, or because of the bullying they got in school. they cut because it's a way to save themselves from that; how would these people feel if they see others doing what saves them, just because a little pop star is doing drugs? get what i mean?

i'm not sure anyone would read this, but i have to make a stand against this stupid trend. i have to speak for other self-harmers; my comrades, and of course, myself.

my scars, our scars, are a sign of our strength and survival. if you cut for Bieber, then yours are a sign of weakness, of letting a pop star take over your life.

fuck this trend i'm so pissed.

Three days with Blue.

heidiho my Axes. [it's been sometime since i said that] it's only been the fourth day of the new year and plenty of bullshits have already happened.

i started off at my new job on New Year's Day, and it wasn't so bad, apart from the frequent miscommunication. it's really annoying to have every customer speaking Chinese to me, and getting irritated when i say, "English please." i am not being racist, but not everyone in Singapore speaks the language ok.

anyway, i got the hang of what i have to do, although i'm still a little slow. it's not my fault that i like to be careful; i'd rather be slow and steady than rush and boobed.

just on my third day of work, though, i heard that the lady boss was thinking of firing me already, because according to her and the boss, i was irresponsible. and they gave me an advanced pay of a hundred.

i met up with Syamirul on Wednesday evening for a little catch up session because we havent met for quite some time already. the previous time i had seen him was way back in October.

he seemed a lot more open and talkative and annoying than how i knew him. he bought me my cigarettes and we sat at a void deck, talking and smoking [me], just as much as he was telling me not to.

he made me laugh quite a few times, that's amazing! we used to have a hard time keeping a proper conversation without having awkward silences but that evening we were just shooting nonsense and snickering here and there. not bad.

Syam was supposed to meet his friends soon, but we were taking our time walking there and had the cheek to lie to them when he was far from reaching!

we met again the day before yesterday, and i had wanted to climb the shelter which linked the carpark and the multi purpose hall but he wouldn't have it. so we sat at the latter, and i was casually smoking when Syamirul suddenly went into a panic mode.

"eh, throw away your cigarette, police, police."

"so? you're eighteen."

"you're underaged!"

"i'm eighteen this year."

i threw whatever argument i could think of but Syamirul really made me paranoid as well and so we left. that barrel made me waste a newly-lit stick!

we walked to another void deck where he spoke fragments of his mind, which is a rarity all the time i'd known him. he always listened to my bullshit. idk but i liked how we kept eye contact through out when he was speaking.

he was still very much against me getting a tattoo but he agreed to follow me get my first one. because... i'm sure it would be painful and i'd need someone to be there for me.

today, we met again to visit his school for the open house. he brought me to his course first, and damn, after hearing everything the student had to say, i really think i want to get into this course instead.

and i met with Tiffany! she spread her arms when she saw me and we had a little hug.

Syam and i sat by the reservoir talking again, and he had to listen to my bullshit once again. o and i really loved the ampitheatre!, or whatever it's called. he was getting irritated with my being jakon and shooting my mouth off.

we took the bus to Tampines and when we got off, he ABANDONED ME IN THE CROWDS DAMN IT. all i did was search for my earpiece but when i looked up he was gone, HE WAS GONE AND HE LEFT ME IN THE CROWDS.

but still, here is my good friend Syamirul, a.k.a. Blue.

one of the very few good friends i have who had a thousand reasons to leave; but stayed.

What a post to start off 2013.

So the polytechnics are having open houses over the period of the next few days, and am going with Syamirul to his tomorrow.

I have a lot to update about the PAST few days; my first four days of the new year. But am currently blogging on my phone and i feel extremely lazy to beat around the bush.

I just wanted to tell you about what happened back on the day me and a bunch of other kids got called out for having skipped the racial harmony carnival. This is random as hell, i've really no idea why i suddenly thought of it again. Perhaps because they share the same atmosphere.

Anyway, mr syafie went through all of us and made us say our reasons for not attending the event. Everyone else was making up all sorts of unbelievable stories, while there i was with a few real reasons; i wouldnt have had any friends to hang out with the whole time.

If you were to remember how i was an outcast back that July; it really did contribute to my refusal of attending it, as much as i'd wanted to. But of course, when my turn came, i merely announced; "i have no reasons."

Afterwards everyone else was still making up cock and bull stories, til mr syafie got fed up i guess, and said: "look at e'indah so honest, straightout said that she had no reasons instead of making up grandmother stories like you."

And then he kept emphasising on my "honesty", despite my lie of having "no reasons" when i had a dozen in my head. I dont know, but wasnt it ironic?

And once again i'd ended up going around the mansion when i could just walk in the front door.

Thats all im gonna share with you now, what a post to start off 2013. I shall share with you more about my new year when my fingers are on a more comfortable keypad.

Adios amigos.

P.s. yes hell yeah motherfuckers, i am saving up the money for a tattoo already.

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