been searching the whole house for the freaking post its that nazriq had bought some months ago but hadnt use. i failed, but i found so many other kind of things. stationary that he hadnt used, and old photos/letters off my years in primary sch.
anyway, i am so damn bored now.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
second attempt.
i'm so tired now! damn, had a lot of fun.
so today, the dream i was having about The Boy had been interrupted by nazriq who had to come along and wake me up cause he wanted to go out eat. so went to ws to eat Kfc before going to the library to do a little bit of homework.
when we got home, i suddenly had this urge to go out cycling, so that was what we ended up doing. brought along his bike, and then made our way to PRP to rent one for me.
a lot funny shit as always, too tired to go into details!
that was my second independent cycling, and second try going to prp without being affected by the memories. i'm still a failure at the latter.
gonna be doing my homework now, and then a bit of self-studying. E'indah kata, "kalau awak tak buat kerja rumah, awak jangan nak pergi menjelajah!" chey, Melayu sey.
hope.
had a nap. and i dreamt of The Boy himself.
you all know how much i take my dreams seriously. this one just adds to my amount of hope i've put on his coming back. and yes, he's going to come back. he's definitely coming back.
you all know how much i take my dreams seriously. this one just adds to my amount of hope i've put on his coming back. and yes, he's going to come back. he's definitely coming back.
a dream of the least expected.
so i dreamt this morning, and it made me wake up at 1.24 am.
someone had brought me to the zoo, can you guess who it was? we were walking toward this wall that had the word Zoo on it, and then he told me to jump over it cause that's the only way in, so i did, right after him.
an orang utan was also jumping in at the same time, and we must have shocked the shit out it cause it placed a hand over its heart and stared at us wide-eyed. and then it smiled and bowed, gesturing into the zoo with the welcome look.
i had said thank you to it, and then he took my hand and brought me to the glass, where there were two women playing with this cheetah. i remember very clearly it was a cheetah.
at first it had looked bored, watching the two women cooing over it. then one of them attempted to pat it, and that was when i had said to the boy i was with, "hey, it doesn't look too happy."
the cheetah, who had been lying down, started to sit up. the women continued to coo over it, and i saw it frown. i started saying to the boy i was with, "eh, eh. it looks angry. it looks angry!"
the big cat started pacing menacingly towards the women, and the woman who had tried to pat him earlier started to look scared as well, and she and the other were walking backwards.
i saw the cheetah pounce on her, and that was when i whipped my head around so i wouldn't see anything.
i started screaming, "i don't want to see anything! she's going to die!" and then i wouldn't stop screaming, not even when the boy i was with held me in his arms. i was wriggling away trying to squirm my way out of his grip, screaming non-stop about not wanting to see anything.
eventually my screams started to get covered by that of the women.
i remember being very scared. i covered my eyes and kept screaming til i saw an exit at the corner of my eye, and i immediately dashed out, and guess what i yelled at that moment?
can't remember my exact words, but i had yelled out something about not wanting 'Irfan noorhalim there, but The Boy.
get it? so, this dream hadn't consisted of The Boy. only his freaking twin bro. but it still made me cry.
someone had brought me to the zoo, can you guess who it was? we were walking toward this wall that had the word Zoo on it, and then he told me to jump over it cause that's the only way in, so i did, right after him.
an orang utan was also jumping in at the same time, and we must have shocked the shit out it cause it placed a hand over its heart and stared at us wide-eyed. and then it smiled and bowed, gesturing into the zoo with the welcome look.
i had said thank you to it, and then he took my hand and brought me to the glass, where there were two women playing with this cheetah. i remember very clearly it was a cheetah.
at first it had looked bored, watching the two women cooing over it. then one of them attempted to pat it, and that was when i had said to the boy i was with, "hey, it doesn't look too happy."
the cheetah, who had been lying down, started to sit up. the women continued to coo over it, and i saw it frown. i started saying to the boy i was with, "eh, eh. it looks angry. it looks angry!"
the big cat started pacing menacingly towards the women, and the woman who had tried to pat him earlier started to look scared as well, and she and the other were walking backwards.
i saw the cheetah pounce on her, and that was when i whipped my head around so i wouldn't see anything.
i started screaming, "i don't want to see anything! she's going to die!" and then i wouldn't stop screaming, not even when the boy i was with held me in his arms. i was wriggling away trying to squirm my way out of his grip, screaming non-stop about not wanting to see anything.
eventually my screams started to get covered by that of the women.
i remember being very scared. i covered my eyes and kept screaming til i saw an exit at the corner of my eye, and i immediately dashed out, and guess what i yelled at that moment?
can't remember my exact words, but i had yelled out something about not wanting 'Irfan noorhalim there, but The Boy.
get it? so, this dream hadn't consisted of The Boy. only his freaking twin bro. but it still made me cry.
Friday, March 30, 2012
hide and seek.
oily marks appear on walls, where pleasure moments hung before this takeover, this sweeping insensitivity.
i have not seen The Boy's face for nearly two months now. part of me wants it to remain that way and more, another part of me wants to see him more than anything else.
i'm scared of how i'd react. currently he ain't even in singapore (information from 'Irfan noorhalim) so i'm safe for now, i guess.
safe from what, you ask?
Aran. /the Man at the Taxi Stand
so today i had decided to stay in class during class, and coincidentally jia yao, yao wei, wei liat, manfred and daniel were doing maths in class as well. was kinda sleeping when wei liat started singing, and at one point he sang out my name with the Nur as well.
turned and looked at him, and then he was like, "Nur E'indah.... come join our clique~" believe it or not that had made me smile so widely and genuinely.
along came ms adimah to kick us all out cause aft all we hadnt been supposed to be there during recess. was walking along the lane towards the stairs by audio lib, when i heard yao wei calling my name.
stopped and turned, then he and jia yao were like, "eh want come sit and eat with us or not?" i was like wide-eyed, and he just gave me this nod that meant, like, Go on. so i gave a slight nod, and then he was like, "come ah."
walked over to them and was like, "-.- are you serious?" and then jia yao was like, "i'm serious, i am dead serious." and i was like WOAH.
so yeah, jia yao led me to their table where cedric, chengyong and shangyi were already at. i stood there awkwardly and then cedric looked up at me and was like, "eh, sit down ah."
chengyong was like, "what happened? something happened in your clique? they give you problems ah?" so i was like, "nah, none of that. i was the one who decided to leave."
and he and cedric really listened to me sey, like, wow. aww. been eons since i last had a proper conversation with them, esp cedric whom i've been classmates with in sec 1, 2 and 3. those were the days.
rayner sat opposite me as he ate, and then i asked him, "so why did jia yao and yao wei suddenly invited me to sit with you guys?"
so the explanation: nicholas had told them that he didnt want me to be lonely, so he had asked the guys to invite me sit and eat with them during recess.
and then rayner added: "so the keyword is. eat. sit with us, and eat. why havent you ate anything -.-?"
when walking back to class, syazana came along and started telling about what she'd heard at the general office, and then yao wei was like, "eh syazana go away ah, you not our clique!" that made me O.O does that mean i am?
and then during english, when ms adimah had asked me where's my paper, jia yao was like, "eh e'indah now my friend. whoever disturb her i will whack", something like that.
when he was saying that, he was like walking past pearl and asleah and i was like O shit why did he have to say that right there dammit.
but still, kind of sweet. texted nicholas telling him how lovely i thought the people in his clique really are. saw him after school across the road, had wanted to go over but didnt know whether to jaywalk or not, so ended up just waving.
and then it was my solitary escapade.
went to bedok again, which made it three days in a row now. here's what i have noticed.
at the taxi stand of bedok town centre, you will see an old man. this man, if you were to give him a little something, he would give you back twicefold.
go and see for yourself, he's been there the past 3 days that i visited the neighbourhood. i think i'm going to make a video about him one day. when i get a really good camcorder/DSLR that can record.
anyway. i have planned a lot more stuff for the music video to Re:The World Calling. i must say, i am pretty excited about this one, although i'm still scared at the fact that most of the filming is at PRP, the place i fear the most right now.
this one has no deadline, but i still ain't gonna take my time. as mr syafie said this afternoon, who knows if Angel of Death decides to pay an abrupt visit.
o and, wai kit said my current Fb pic is nice and, believe it or not he had used the word chiobu. kay three things surprise me.
1. i thought chiobu means something bad?
2. you calling me pretty bruh?
3. who uses that word nowadays?
still flattering though, but then again. kalaulah.
turned and looked at him, and then he was like, "Nur E'indah.... come join our clique~" believe it or not that had made me smile so widely and genuinely.
along came ms adimah to kick us all out cause aft all we hadnt been supposed to be there during recess. was walking along the lane towards the stairs by audio lib, when i heard yao wei calling my name.
stopped and turned, then he and jia yao were like, "eh want come sit and eat with us or not?" i was like wide-eyed, and he just gave me this nod that meant, like, Go on. so i gave a slight nod, and then he was like, "come ah."
walked over to them and was like, "-.- are you serious?" and then jia yao was like, "i'm serious, i am dead serious." and i was like WOAH.
so yeah, jia yao led me to their table where cedric, chengyong and shangyi were already at. i stood there awkwardly and then cedric looked up at me and was like, "eh, sit down ah."
chengyong was like, "what happened? something happened in your clique? they give you problems ah?" so i was like, "nah, none of that. i was the one who decided to leave."
and he and cedric really listened to me sey, like, wow. aww. been eons since i last had a proper conversation with them, esp cedric whom i've been classmates with in sec 1, 2 and 3. those were the days.
rayner sat opposite me as he ate, and then i asked him, "so why did jia yao and yao wei suddenly invited me to sit with you guys?"
so the explanation: nicholas had told them that he didnt want me to be lonely, so he had asked the guys to invite me sit and eat with them during recess.
and then rayner added: "so the keyword is. eat. sit with us, and eat. why havent you ate anything -.-?"
when walking back to class, syazana came along and started telling about what she'd heard at the general office, and then yao wei was like, "eh syazana go away ah, you not our clique!" that made me O.O does that mean i am?
and then during english, when ms adimah had asked me where's my paper, jia yao was like, "eh e'indah now my friend. whoever disturb her i will whack", something like that.
when he was saying that, he was like walking past pearl and asleah and i was like O shit why did he have to say that right there dammit.
but still, kind of sweet. texted nicholas telling him how lovely i thought the people in his clique really are. saw him after school across the road, had wanted to go over but didnt know whether to jaywalk or not, so ended up just waving.
and then it was my solitary escapade.
went to bedok again, which made it three days in a row now. here's what i have noticed.
at the taxi stand of bedok town centre, you will see an old man. this man, if you were to give him a little something, he would give you back twicefold.
go and see for yourself, he's been there the past 3 days that i visited the neighbourhood. i think i'm going to make a video about him one day. when i get a really good camcorder/DSLR that can record.
anyway. i have planned a lot more stuff for the music video to Re:The World Calling. i must say, i am pretty excited about this one, although i'm still scared at the fact that most of the filming is at PRP, the place i fear the most right now.
this one has no deadline, but i still ain't gonna take my time. as mr syafie said this afternoon, who knows if Angel of Death decides to pay an abrupt visit.
o and, wai kit said my current Fb pic is nice and, believe it or not he had used the word chiobu. kay three things surprise me.
1. i thought chiobu means something bad?
2. you calling me pretty bruh?
3. who uses that word nowadays?
still flattering though, but then again. kalaulah.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
septembers.
changed my blog song. i kind of think this is a sorta-like 'angry' song. anyway, i feel like it, so let's talk about all the Septembers in my life that i can remember.
2011.
first ever sleepover involving friends from sch, breathing difficulties with the then boyfriend, all-out bonding with the classmates.
2010.
still the very happy person i was. loved everyone in the clique so much. had the douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag as my brother. found a new hobby in walking. tried to tell The Boy my feelings for him on my 15th birthday. failed. miserably.
2009.
14th birthday with the then ultimate best friend. admitted crush on The Boy. wrote many songs about it but didnt say a word.
AH, GODDAMMIT, YOU SEE. everything involves the douchebag. dammit. this sucks. life sucks indeed. sadness won't dissolve. eyes won't dry out of tears. brain won't forget. memories won't erase. ghosts won't go away. The Boy doesn't die.
had a sudden flashback earlier. i saw, in my head, 'Irfan noorhalim, the D-cube and i standing in this little circle, and 'Irfan was screaming, "i'm so ashamed to be your twin brother!"
it was a flashback. maybe it was a dream, i dont know. just a sudden recollection, but i have no idea where it had originally came from.
a book! about The Boy. so the world can know my story without knowing my name.
ah, dammit. i think i shall change my blog song each day, depending on my mood.
i think i am going to sleep now. eyelids are heavy, but only God knows if i end up staying up wide awake til 1 am despite literally going to bed 3 hours before. so damn unpredictable.
anyway, about the september in 2010 thing. yeah, i had tried telling him i like him. we were lying down at the top of 500A as always, on the 20th, one day after my birthday.
when he had to go, i had decided to stay, so we parted ways after giving one last hug. when he was gone, i looked at my phone. had one of the notes on my main screen, saying: "i shall tell him on my 15th birthday."
at that moment, i suddenly had had all the courage in the world.
i looked down, and there he was, going down the carpark stairs. i had called out to him, i had called out his name. unfortunately he had his headphones on, and for all i remember he had been blasting his metal the whole time.
yeah. unfortunately. for me.
imagine how things would have turned out instead, if i had told him then.
until now, i really regret having not ran down after him that day. one of my biggest mistakes in life.
i just received a letter from the NLB, and guess what? i have got fines for overdue books. which shocked me, since i'd always returned my books way on time.
all this while i had been denied the borrowing of one more book which i'm actually supposed to be allowed, and now i know why. but the thing that frustrates me right now is, the book which had caused me all this problems with the library is the book that asleah had borrowed under my name some eons ago.
i'm damn frustrated right now, pissed even. had reminded her so many times, and on the due day itself she told me she had returned it already. and yesterday, i asked her again, she said yeah she returned. so why the hell is the book in the list of overdue items under my name?
okay yeah i'm damn pissed now. better go pay the fines soon so i can borrow more books.
i had told you guys that i was going to sleep, 20 minutes ago.
2011.
first ever sleepover involving friends from sch, breathing difficulties with the then boyfriend, all-out bonding with the classmates.
2010.
still the very happy person i was. loved everyone in the clique so much. had the douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag as my brother. found a new hobby in walking. tried to tell The Boy my feelings for him on my 15th birthday. failed. miserably.
2009.
14th birthday with the then ultimate best friend. admitted crush on The Boy. wrote many songs about it but didnt say a word.
AH, GODDAMMIT, YOU SEE. everything involves the douchebag. dammit. this sucks. life sucks indeed. sadness won't dissolve. eyes won't dry out of tears. brain won't forget. memories won't erase. ghosts won't go away. The Boy doesn't die.
had a sudden flashback earlier. i saw, in my head, 'Irfan noorhalim, the D-cube and i standing in this little circle, and 'Irfan was screaming, "i'm so ashamed to be your twin brother!"
it was a flashback. maybe it was a dream, i dont know. just a sudden recollection, but i have no idea where it had originally came from.
a book! about The Boy. so the world can know my story without knowing my name.
ah, dammit. i think i shall change my blog song each day, depending on my mood.
i think i am going to sleep now. eyelids are heavy, but only God knows if i end up staying up wide awake til 1 am despite literally going to bed 3 hours before. so damn unpredictable.
anyway, about the september in 2010 thing. yeah, i had tried telling him i like him. we were lying down at the top of 500A as always, on the 20th, one day after my birthday.
when he had to go, i had decided to stay, so we parted ways after giving one last hug. when he was gone, i looked at my phone. had one of the notes on my main screen, saying: "i shall tell him on my 15th birthday."
at that moment, i suddenly had had all the courage in the world.
i looked down, and there he was, going down the carpark stairs. i had called out to him, i had called out his name. unfortunately he had his headphones on, and for all i remember he had been blasting his metal the whole time.
yeah. unfortunately. for me.
imagine how things would have turned out instead, if i had told him then.
until now, i really regret having not ran down after him that day. one of my biggest mistakes in life.
i just received a letter from the NLB, and guess what? i have got fines for overdue books. which shocked me, since i'd always returned my books way on time.
all this while i had been denied the borrowing of one more book which i'm actually supposed to be allowed, and now i know why. but the thing that frustrates me right now is, the book which had caused me all this problems with the library is the book that asleah had borrowed under my name some eons ago.
i'm damn frustrated right now, pissed even. had reminded her so many times, and on the due day itself she told me she had returned it already. and yesterday, i asked her again, she said yeah she returned. so why the hell is the book in the list of overdue items under my name?
okay yeah i'm damn pissed now. better go pay the fines soon so i can borrow more books.
i had told you guys that i was going to sleep, 20 minutes ago.
Bedok lib with Cousie
so today. had went on my solitary escapade to Bedok as mentioned. and guess what? met up with Mayang cousie!
the freaking Programme Room, its door is like, unnoticeable, and i thought they were automatic. apparently they were not so i had stood there like some dumb moron waiting for christmas.
its door seemed to camouflage with the rest, it's like a piece of glass with no handles or 'push' label. how would i have known? only when i saw a live demonstration was i like OH!
had warned Cousie beforehand, cause i know how blurblock she can be as well sometimes.
the freaking table we had sat at was freaking squeaky, and the room was really quiet so we had been damn careful with every little movement. had laughed a lot, just like old times.
damn i missed her so much. heh.
borrowed books, before making our way to kfc to have our dinner tgt. met up with my mom, and then eons later parted and here we are.
had been given detention today, but i hadnt gone cause mr syafie always seems to forget. and then during humans, had debated with mrs sherri. yeah, i hadnt gotten what she meant. but she hadnt gotten what i meant either. o well.
i'm kinda impressed with my own reading speed these days. i'd started Me, the Missing, and the Dead this morning and completed it within a few hours. and tomorrow morning, or maybe even tonight, i would start on Split.
want to hear something?
once i, chuang tsu, dreamt i was a butterfly, fluttering here and there; in all ways a butterfly. i enjoyed my freedom as a butterfly, not knowing i was chuang tsu. suddenly i awoke and was surprised to be myself again. now, how can i tell whether i am a man who dreamt that he was a butterfly, or whether i am a butterfly who dreams that he is a man?
means a lot, doesnt it. a quote by Chuang Tsu, had been written at the beginning of Split.
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. o yeah, i'm still calling you Douche.
the freaking Programme Room, its door is like, unnoticeable, and i thought they were automatic. apparently they were not so i had stood there like some dumb moron waiting for christmas.
its door seemed to camouflage with the rest, it's like a piece of glass with no handles or 'push' label. how would i have known? only when i saw a live demonstration was i like OH!
had warned Cousie beforehand, cause i know how blurblock she can be as well sometimes.
the freaking table we had sat at was freaking squeaky, and the room was really quiet so we had been damn careful with every little movement. had laughed a lot, just like old times.
borrowed books, before making our way to kfc to have our dinner tgt. met up with my mom, and then eons later parted and here we are.
had been given detention today, but i hadnt gone cause mr syafie always seems to forget. and then during humans, had debated with mrs sherri. yeah, i hadnt gotten what she meant. but she hadnt gotten what i meant either. o well.
i'm kinda impressed with my own reading speed these days. i'd started Me, the Missing, and the Dead this morning and completed it within a few hours. and tomorrow morning, or maybe even tonight, i would start on Split.
want to hear something?
once i, chuang tsu, dreamt i was a butterfly, fluttering here and there; in all ways a butterfly. i enjoyed my freedom as a butterfly, not knowing i was chuang tsu. suddenly i awoke and was surprised to be myself again. now, how can i tell whether i am a man who dreamt that he was a butterfly, or whether i am a butterfly who dreams that he is a man?
means a lot, doesnt it. a quote by Chuang Tsu, had been written at the beginning of Split.
aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. o yeah, i'm still calling you Douche.
gonna ciao.
sometimes i really detest myself for not being able to get straight to the point. i tend to go around the bush especially when sharing something like my sadness, or pain.
anyways, this is just a quick update, going to Bedok library now. being drowned in paragraphs written by other authors are eons better than being engulfed by my own feelings.
and, being lost on a solitary escapade is eons better than being on your own in a place where you expect to have all your familiarities with you.
i really am on the verge of giving up. really.
but not yet.
for now.
anyways, this is just a quick update, going to Bedok library now. being drowned in paragraphs written by other authors are eons better than being engulfed by my own feelings.
and, being lost on a solitary escapade is eons better than being on your own in a place where you expect to have all your familiarities with you.
i really am on the verge of giving up. really.
but not yet.
for now.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
the things that make me happy.
heidiho.
i met up with my maternal grandfather today, and we ate at The Chicken Rice Shop @Bedok Point. i've always loved the way he laughs, and once again, i felt so happy that i'm sad.
had went to the library at Bedok, and damn. i wanna go there again tmrw. hadnt been able to borrow any books, so i sped read King of the Screwups and returned it, enabling my card to borrow one more book, heh.
had spent eons around the fiction section, carefully choosing the book that i really really wanna borrow. finally decided on Creature of the Night, and was just about to check out that book, when i caught a glimpse of another.
i was like HOLY SHIT! guess what the book is? it's Brave Story!
*far-away gaze* back in the days, when i was barely thirteen... when i still had that beautiful PSP the colour of the goldest gold i had ever seen. Brave Story had been the game. damn, i had loved that very game so much!
but the beautiful PSP just had to disappear.
and the last that i had heard from my character had been, like, 4 years ago.
so yeah, had ended up borrowing that book instead, after returning the previous one to where i had found it. walked outta the library a happy little girl.
yeah, surface-wise.
gonna go back there tmrw, maybe to do my homework as well. that makes me happy (surface-wise), to be alone at a table that i have all to myself. i so dislike sharing tables, and i have no idea why, kinda. guess i just like the personal space.
what else makes me happy? cats. especially those 6 felines at guilley, good ole guilley. and yes, guilley makes me happy as well, the people there, cause they all regard my presence.
writing. writing makes me happy, even though what i am writing about are the saddest things ever. the irony of writing.
walking. i leave home feeling downright horrible, and on those walks i'd start thinking of sad things and start going depressed, but at the end of it, i unlock the gates of my house feeling happier than i was before.
and i just like to explore places where i've never been. that seems to be smth i've been doing a lot lately. gonna explore bedok tmrw, hopefully i wont get lost cause i dont know any friend who lives in the district.
i'm not going to mention people, because the title of this post is things that make me happy. not people. and anyway, you axes should know really well who would really make me truly happy right now.
been sighing a lot lately. i mean, who doesnt right?
God.
i met up with my maternal grandfather today, and we ate at The Chicken Rice Shop @Bedok Point. i've always loved the way he laughs, and once again, i felt so happy that i'm sad.
had went to the library at Bedok, and damn. i wanna go there again tmrw. hadnt been able to borrow any books, so i sped read King of the Screwups and returned it, enabling my card to borrow one more book, heh.
had spent eons around the fiction section, carefully choosing the book that i really really wanna borrow. finally decided on Creature of the Night, and was just about to check out that book, when i caught a glimpse of another.
i was like HOLY SHIT! guess what the book is? it's Brave Story!
*far-away gaze* back in the days, when i was barely thirteen... when i still had that beautiful PSP the colour of the goldest gold i had ever seen. Brave Story had been the game. damn, i had loved that very game so much!
but the beautiful PSP just had to disappear.
and the last that i had heard from my character had been, like, 4 years ago.
so yeah, had ended up borrowing that book instead, after returning the previous one to where i had found it. walked outta the library a happy little girl.
yeah, surface-wise.
gonna go back there tmrw, maybe to do my homework as well. that makes me happy (surface-wise), to be alone at a table that i have all to myself. i so dislike sharing tables, and i have no idea why, kinda. guess i just like the personal space.
what else makes me happy? cats. especially those 6 felines at guilley, good ole guilley. and yes, guilley makes me happy as well, the people there, cause they all regard my presence.
writing. writing makes me happy, even though what i am writing about are the saddest things ever. the irony of writing.
walking. i leave home feeling downright horrible, and on those walks i'd start thinking of sad things and start going depressed, but at the end of it, i unlock the gates of my house feeling happier than i was before.
and i just like to explore places where i've never been. that seems to be smth i've been doing a lot lately. gonna explore bedok tmrw, hopefully i wont get lost cause i dont know any friend who lives in the district.
i'm not going to mention people, because the title of this post is things that make me happy. not people. and anyway, you axes should know really well who would really make me truly happy right now.
been sighing a lot lately. i mean, who doesnt right?
God.
what. where. who. WHY.
i have got homework to do.
why tell you, you ask? just sharing. what's stopping me from doing my homework? myself.
when you guys read my bloggie, dont you guys feel like, malas nak layan? all i ramble on and on abt is The Boy here. i dont even talk abt MBWOE in my personal diaries as much as this.
the other time, kak siti was like, "you have a boyfriend, right?"
i was like, "we broke up."
and then she was like, "aw man, come on, you deserve better than that."
do i? but i'm an immature brat. no other guys had put up with my childishness the way he had all these years. ugh, dammit dammit dammit. no no no. what the fuck, E'indah.
E'indah, or isit Nadhie? now you fear looking into mirrors, not because of what you'll see behind you, but because of what you'll see inside you.
uuuuggghhhh E'indah Nadhie Wrister!
no, Nur E'indah Nadhirah Bte Md E'esa. what is it tht you really want? where do you want to be? who do you want to be, and WHY? why? why why why, isit because of a boy? or because you want to?
Goddammit, girl. i dont even know which name to address you as. imma call you Douche from now on, until you find out who is it that you really want to be for the rest of your life. stupid Douche.
go do your homework now, Douche.
why tell you, you ask? just sharing. what's stopping me from doing my homework? myself.
when you guys read my bloggie, dont you guys feel like, malas nak layan? all i ramble on and on abt is The Boy here. i dont even talk abt MBWOE in my personal diaries as much as this.
the other time, kak siti was like, "you have a boyfriend, right?"
i was like, "we broke up."
and then she was like, "aw man, come on, you deserve better than that."
do i? but i'm an immature brat. no other guys had put up with my childishness the way he had all these years. ugh, dammit dammit dammit. no no no. what the fuck, E'indah.
E'indah, or isit Nadhie? now you fear looking into mirrors, not because of what you'll see behind you, but because of what you'll see inside you.
uuuuggghhhh E'indah Nadhie Wrister!
no, Nur E'indah Nadhirah Bte Md E'esa. what is it tht you really want? where do you want to be? who do you want to be, and WHY? why? why why why, isit because of a boy? or because you want to?
Goddammit, girl. i dont even know which name to address you as. imma call you Douche from now on, until you find out who is it that you really want to be for the rest of your life. stupid Douche.
go do your homework now, Douche.
the saddest day of my life so far.
so today i am very sad.
who cares right? naw, just sharing. i was very sad the whole of today, maybe cause i had woken up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe it was a dream i had had last night, maybe maybe maybe. but i dont know.
anyways... today had meant a lot to me. but i'm too embarrassed to elaborate. and idk if you understand what crap i am crapping right now. as long as i understand myself, tht'd be good enough.
ok, i stop crapping.
so today, had been the saddest day in my life so far. sad because some things made me so happy til i cried non-stop, sad because some things made me reminisce some sweet memories tht are long gone, and sad because of some stuff tht just makes me, well, sad.
"hello E'indah!"
"bee, you're actually really pretty you know, bee."
"i miss talking to you."
it's the simple things which make you happy, that can make you your saddest as well. like they say, the person who can make you the strongest has the ability to make you at your weakest as well.
ugh. Goddammit. why am i being like this...?
who cares right? naw, just sharing. i was very sad the whole of today, maybe cause i had woken up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe it was a dream i had had last night, maybe maybe maybe. but i dont know.
anyways... today had meant a lot to me. but i'm too embarrassed to elaborate. and idk if you understand what crap i am crapping right now. as long as i understand myself, tht'd be good enough.
ok, i stop crapping.
so today, had been the saddest day in my life so far. sad because some things made me so happy til i cried non-stop, sad because some things made me reminisce some sweet memories tht are long gone, and sad because of some stuff tht just makes me, well, sad.
"hello E'indah!"
"bee, you're actually really pretty you know, bee."
"i miss talking to you."
it's the simple things which make you happy, that can make you your saddest as well. like they say, the person who can make you the strongest has the ability to make you at your weakest as well.
ugh. Goddammit. why am i being like this...?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
this life is a dream.
so here i am, with a blogger template.
and here i am, still unawake.
so ppl have been telling me to wake up and all tht shit cause of the fact tht im still hung up on a D-cube. i've got smth to say... i alr am awake.
he and i were saying, how being tgt was very much like a dream. to me because i finally got him as my boy, and to him because he finally admitted his feelings for me.
i had found it damn difficult to believe the fact tht he came back for the second time. i still dont believe it, actually.
we were talking abt comas. and then i said tht being tgt with him is a dream i am having during mine, and i dont want to wake up ever.
he was saying, when ppl are in coma, they will wake up in 2 weeks (or was it months, idr), or not, it means tht person is a gone case alr.
we both smiled, and then i said i didnt want to wake up ever. and he said he wont let me wake up. (then we both laughed cause it had sounded damn busted.)
but i did.
and here i am. so why are there still ppl telling me to "wake up"? arent i alr awake? wasnt my happiness all a dream?
and here i am, still unawake.
so ppl have been telling me to wake up and all tht shit cause of the fact tht im still hung up on a D-cube. i've got smth to say... i alr am awake.
he and i were saying, how being tgt was very much like a dream. to me because i finally got him as my boy, and to him because he finally admitted his feelings for me.
i had found it damn difficult to believe the fact tht he came back for the second time. i still dont believe it, actually.
we were talking abt comas. and then i said tht being tgt with him is a dream i am having during mine, and i dont want to wake up ever.
he was saying, when ppl are in coma, they will wake up in 2 weeks (or was it months, idr), or not, it means tht person is a gone case alr.
we both smiled, and then i said i didnt want to wake up ever. and he said he wont let me wake up. (then we both laughed cause it had sounded damn busted.)
but i did.
and here i am. so why are there still ppl telling me to "wake up"? arent i alr awake? wasnt my happiness all a dream?
so i just upgraded my Blogger and everything looks mighty bizzaro now. have gotten too used to the old one, cause aft all i've been blogging with tht look for years now.
anyways, didnt go to sch today. had a gastric attack when i woke up, was so damn painful tht i was like, i dont wanna go sch. so i didnt.
what have i done the whole day you ask?
i slept.
just woke up like, at 5? and then i did maths tuiton hw, and fondled with the dozen notebooks i have on my desk. there was a thunderstorm and one of the rumbles had shocked the shit out of me.
currently listening to Space x Time, Dana Harmon ft Maika Maile.
i guess i truly am stubborn, and yeah, i just denied all the help tht ppl had been trying to offer, breaking off from all pillars of support just cause they aint the boy.
this pic was from dec 2010. it's the inside of my cupboard, o God. i am feeling deja vu. okay, shall blog later. am getting a mighty headache now.
btw, bloody hell. the new Blogger format sucks!
anyways, didnt go to sch today. had a gastric attack when i woke up, was so damn painful tht i was like, i dont wanna go sch. so i didnt.
what have i done the whole day you ask?
i slept.
just woke up like, at 5? and then i did maths tuiton hw, and fondled with the dozen notebooks i have on my desk. there was a thunderstorm and one of the rumbles had shocked the shit out of me.
currently listening to Space x Time, Dana Harmon ft Maika Maile.
i guess i truly am stubborn, and yeah, i just denied all the help tht ppl had been trying to offer, breaking off from all pillars of support just cause they aint the boy.
this pic was from dec 2010. it's the inside of my cupboard, o God. i am feeling deja vu. okay, shall blog later. am getting a mighty headache now.
btw, bloody hell. the new Blogger format sucks!
Monday, March 26, 2012
another crappy compo .
i have done my english compo. another crappy storyline, but at least it's unique. and language-wise it's good too.
it's abt this dude who meets this other dude and they went off partying and doing all sorts of things which 14-year-olds shouldnt be doing, and then the main character, whose name i didnt mention once in the compo, ends up crying and regretting.
i realized tht the remaining ppl tht i trust now are all scattered. syazana, nicholas, natalee, maya to name a few. scattered in a way tht we aint in one group in any ways at all.
bila mau buat video.
i bought an l-shaped file today, with a lovely cat on it, eating a chocolate. it's so damn cute, o and guess what! the cat is white, so it's like translucent, and i see my beautiful handwriting all over its big head now.
i love cats so much you know. i dont even rmb being taught tht dogs are haram to us. this morn, i overheard the little malay girl from loyang pri (i see her every morn) saying, "i hate dogs! i like cat. i like cat."
eh sia la. i dont wanna run tmrw.
i'm a frog now, jumping from one lily pad to another.
been listening to cell block tango again, the last time i had the marathon was like december 2010.
okay dah, aku nak tido. goodnights!
it's abt this dude who meets this other dude and they went off partying and doing all sorts of things which 14-year-olds shouldnt be doing, and then the main character, whose name i didnt mention once in the compo, ends up crying and regretting.
i realized tht the remaining ppl tht i trust now are all scattered. syazana, nicholas, natalee, maya to name a few. scattered in a way tht we aint in one group in any ways at all.
bila mau buat video.
i bought an l-shaped file today, with a lovely cat on it, eating a chocolate. it's so damn cute, o and guess what! the cat is white, so it's like translucent, and i see my beautiful handwriting all over its big head now.
i love cats so much you know. i dont even rmb being taught tht dogs are haram to us. this morn, i overheard the little malay girl from loyang pri (i see her every morn) saying, "i hate dogs! i like cat. i like cat."
eh sia la. i dont wanna run tmrw.
i'm a frog now, jumping from one lily pad to another.
been listening to cell block tango again, the last time i had the marathon was like december 2010.
okay dah, aku nak tido. goodnights!
the first day of the week .
i have just finished with Shift. gonna start with King of the Screwups tmrw morn. or maybe tonight aft ive finished with my hw.
so how was my today you ask? you know what? in the morn when i was packing my bag, i suddenly had this intuition to bring extra book. then i was like, k nvm then i took it out again.
and guess what, during reading, siying came along and asked if i had extra book cause she hadnt brought hers. i was like holy shit! why didnt i trust my freaking intuition again.
this always happen, i get a feeling to do smth, but then i dont do it. and then smth happens later which makes me regret not doing it. frustrating, yes indeedy.
so anyways, i had went to the canteen for the first time in weeks to buy milo, to drink with the tiger mini which i had brought along to sch today.
was supposed to meet qinhan, but i completely forgot. he has smth to pass to me, a memento from january 2008, or maybe even earlier than tht. cant wait to embarrass myself thru all the reminiscence.
so anyway, aft sch, met wai kit. he had came to take his o level cert and all the stuff, but before tht we had sat at the canteen talking abt o levels, his and mine.
hadnt seen him for really long alr, so yeah we had a lot to catch up. he said my voice like break like tht, wow .
around like 430, made our way to ws where we splitz cause i was meeting naz to eat mad jack. bumped into syazana pulak, with her mommy so we all chatted awhile.
as always, laughed a lot while eating, and then we made our way to lib where i was in another dilemma between a book from the 10-12 section and another from the adult section. in the end, borrowed the former, under my bro's name cause loan quota had been reached, dammit.
spent eons at popular aft tht, laughing at the slightest shit. liang ling tang, liang ling tang, liang ling liang ling taaaang. (to the tune of jingle bells.) and then liang ying tang appeared just as we were singing another round.
liang ying's sis, the fencer yupp, is my bro's classmate btw.
and then blah3 i am home.
so wai kit had given me a lot of encouragement earlier. he said he had slacked his way thru the first half of 2011 , and only woke up in like june. he had maintained his n level grades sia, his o level grades were like the same.
had told him my targets for my Os. he said he better not see any Cs on my o level cert, and i was like ok, naw problemo.
kalaulah.
kay. i've got stuff to do . go listen to this .
so how was my today you ask? you know what? in the morn when i was packing my bag, i suddenly had this intuition to bring extra book. then i was like, k nvm then i took it out again.
and guess what, during reading, siying came along and asked if i had extra book cause she hadnt brought hers. i was like holy shit! why didnt i trust my freaking intuition again.
this always happen, i get a feeling to do smth, but then i dont do it. and then smth happens later which makes me regret not doing it. frustrating, yes indeedy.
so anyways, i had went to the canteen for the first time in weeks to buy milo, to drink with the tiger mini which i had brought along to sch today.
was supposed to meet qinhan, but i completely forgot. he has smth to pass to me, a memento from january 2008, or maybe even earlier than tht. cant wait to embarrass myself thru all the reminiscence.
so anyway, aft sch, met wai kit. he had came to take his o level cert and all the stuff, but before tht we had sat at the canteen talking abt o levels, his and mine.
hadnt seen him for really long alr, so yeah we had a lot to catch up. he said my voice like break like tht, wow .
around like 430, made our way to ws where we splitz cause i was meeting naz to eat mad jack. bumped into syazana pulak, with her mommy so we all chatted awhile.
as always, laughed a lot while eating, and then we made our way to lib where i was in another dilemma between a book from the 10-12 section and another from the adult section. in the end, borrowed the former, under my bro's name cause loan quota had been reached, dammit.
spent eons at popular aft tht, laughing at the slightest shit. liang ling tang, liang ling tang, liang ling liang ling taaaang. (to the tune of jingle bells.) and then liang ying tang appeared just as we were singing another round.
liang ying's sis, the fencer yupp, is my bro's classmate btw.
and then blah3 i am home.
so wai kit had given me a lot of encouragement earlier. he said he had slacked his way thru the first half of 2011 , and only woke up in like june. he had maintained his n level grades sia, his o level grades were like the same.
had told him my targets for my Os. he said he better not see any Cs on my o level cert, and i was like ok, naw problemo.
kalaulah.
kay. i've got stuff to do . go listen to this .
Sunday, March 25, 2012
heartless .
went to the library today . borrowed 4 books, very happy now .
then again, tht's just surface wise.
had sent a slipper flying earlier, and it shocked the shit out of the woman who was passing by. tht was probably the only thing which had made me smile from within today.
so anyhoos, bila mau buat video? might have some ideas for re:the world calling, without requiring anyone's help apart from a few parts here and there.
but. i'm still fearful of some places in pasir ris. esp the venue where i'd planned to film at. o well. i'm the strongest girl in the world.
i'm heartless, because my heart was taken by someone who refuses to give it back to me.
he had taken it from me, because he said it was a beautiful heart. he had taken care of it at first, but i dont know what happened.
he broke it, right in front of me. i thought he'd return the pieces back to me so i could try to put my heart back tgt again, but no. he threw them away instead.
bila mau buat video.
okay, you know what. i'm gonna pop by prp this week and start filming all the shit, all at one shot. fully focus on what's in the camera, and not anything around me. and i'd cycle down so i dont have to suck in the views with the effing memories if i walk.
stupid ghosts.
yeah sure, you guys are beautiful. but really unnecessary. forgive me, but i'm just gonna crash into you guys if you happen to be in the way, which is all the time, actually. assholes . idiot best friends. idiot brother and sister. idiot couple .
beautiful, but unnecessary . aaahhhhh i know they're just my imagination. but i still cant control myself from not seeing them . aaahhhhhhhhhh i am so sick and tired of life.
no. rmb what azreenie said. "hidup susah, tapi mati pun tanak." it's true. soooo. not yet. not yet. see what happens .
i had a long afternoon nap. i had dreams.
when i awoke and realized tht i'm back to reality, i had begged God to bring me back to the dreamworld.
wouldnt it be nice if sleep is permanent.
shut up, i know what i'm saying. yes, i mean wouldnt it be nice to break off from the world for the rest of my life. to die.
when i awoke and realized tht i'm back to reality, i had begged God to bring me back to the dreamworld.
wouldnt it be nice if sleep is permanent.
shut up, i know what i'm saying. yes, i mean wouldnt it be nice to break off from the world for the rest of my life. to die.
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