Putting myself in others' shoes

Some things have been on my mind lately. About putting myself in other people's shoes. The past boyfriend said I never understood him, because I'd never thought about his feelings, or about the situation he was in.

Sure, most of the time I was too egoistic, but a few points of our relationship, I swear I'd placed him first without a second thought. Not gonna talk about those moments because they don't matter anymore.

He left, and ever since then I'd changed my way of thinking by placing myself in the shoes of others. Simpler said, I was just looking at myself the way others would, by looking at others through my own eyes.

I tried imagining how others looked at me. They wouldn't care, because I wouldn't care about anybody else. You could try sending some message through your tweets or retweets or favourites or whatever, but truth is, nobody would bother reading between the lines for you. Because would you do that when it comes to somebody else? I don't think so. You'd only react to somebody else's suffering if the fact's thrown right into your face.

Nobody would try to decode your life by reading your tweets, nobody would dig into your Favourites to know what secret message you're trying to convey. Nobody would Google the lyrics of the song you #np just to know how you feel. Nobody would read your blog, and even if they do, they wouldn't really care enough to know you better or to make you feel better.

Nobody would look at you and ever wonder, "Does she ever sit on a bus and cry her eyes out as she looks out the window?",  "Is she tired from having two families and two places to call home?", "Does she still feel hurt by the words I just don't love you anymore, even 5 months after a boy said that to her, and 2 years after her own parents said that to her?"

No. Nobody would care to even wonder that. As long as they see that you're fine on the surface, that's it. That's all they see in you. Because come on, that's how you see them.

What am I saying? My point is, knowing others wouldn't care, why should I care about others, really? I'm fine in my own world, because from what I can see, the rest of the world is fine the way they are too. Do I make sense?

I don't trust my life in the hands of another anymore, I don't really care anymore if people leave, I don't bother to know how others are feeling on the inside. I don't want to do things for others anymore, because I'd end up getting hurt. I'd rather hurt others, because this is my life at stake. My feelings. Not theirs.

To know that the nicest person to you was just faking it all along. To know the one whom you called your world already lost his feelings for you just when you were starting to try again. To know the one who gave birth to you thought you were ugly all along and only appreciated your uniqueness when you were gone. To know the one you really like hugged you tight like his world depended on you, only as a friendly gesture. Everyone is selfish, so why can't I be?

I almost gave way to my selflessness earlier by getting this urge to run back to NYP just to accompany a friend of mine. I'm glad I didn't, because this is a new start for me. I don't want to care anymore.

Old videos and sudden realisation

I've been doing lots of shit on my laptop lately. And by shit, I really mean all things that've got to do with videos. Watching, editting, uploading, and downloading. Uh huh, I'd found a way into my old Youtube and Facebook accounts to get a hold of some shit I'd uploaded in 2011.

Most of them are really cringe-worthy; even though they've long been taken down, I'm still horrified at the fact that, at one point of time those videos were up for everyone to see. I'm ashamed of the fact that at the time I made these, I was actually so proud of myself. Ugh.

Moving on. I still make videos in 2014, though I only just started, and most of them are random as heck, things which you wouldn't really give a shit about. Pretty sure in years to come, I'm gonna feel ashamed of my recent videos.

Anyway, 2011 consisted mostly classroom memories. The earlier ones were crappy, with annoying editing and my equally annoying face. And my "conclusion spot", which I'm pretty sure my best friend Siying remembers and is laughing about right now. 

It was only in May-July that I started to focus on the class more, til eventually I was labelled the 'class videographer', because it was pretty much my job to record all the stupid moments xD

I really want to upload the cheer that 4/2 2011 did because there're no other uploads of it and a lot of my old classmates had been looking for it throughout the years. But my 16-year-old self just had to edit in stupid unnecessary text throughout our performance. It is making me so angry right now, damn you sec 4 E'inz!

I really want to upload it clean, but the only completely raw footage of our cheer back then is in my old laptop, which charger I've lost, unfortunately. 

I've been laughing to myself the whole evening [and the past few days really] because of my newly found old videos. Such good memories, with the class and with the girls. Gonna make a "Best of 4/2 2011" video soon, I hope.

Anyway, I've chosen one to re-upload. I'd made this in 2010, for Art, because we had to draw illustrations, with a storyboard, and make a video with our pictures. I hadn't submitted this shit because I was Queen of Procrastination. I actually only did it after we moved on to another project and when I was told I'd failed this assignment.

Knowing me, I probably didn't even do a storyboard for this. I remember drawing 4 frames for my intended storyboard, but I didn't even have these characters haha, it was a completely different story. Ahem, anyway, getting right to it. 

I don't know, watching it now, 4 years later, I'm actually seeing a deep meaning behind it. Especially in relevance to my past relationship and my dislike on guys now, meh.

Pretty aware that I'd 'stolen his happiness' when we were together, like how that rooftop symbolised a relationship. That worm kind of represents my past, how it had gotten into him and destroyed him. 

Man... I can infer so much from this video, but it's hard to explain, because he and I are the only ones in the world who really understand how our relationship was like, I guess. 

And I feel like if I write out what I really think of it, y'all just gonna laugh at how silly I'm being. And if whoever's close to him, or even he himself, were to read it, they're just gonna give a snort of disgrace. So... All of it shall go to my diary then.

Guys are stupid

If you're active on Twitter or if you know me you should probably be aware that... Hmm how do I put it nicely... I hate guys. Yep, there.

It makes me seem like I'm not straight, I know. A Heroine of mine asked if I'm a les, haha, along with so many other assumptions from other people. Just thought I should clear these up, although I'm pretty sure nobody gives a fuck :-)

Yeah, after all my past experiences, it's pretty easy to say I hate guys now. I have a vengeance against the male species, and I mean it. Sure, I may be crushing on a guy, but he's special.... Okay back on track. 

Most of the guys I'd 'fallen' for were faggots, and probably still are, we never know. Since I don't know how else to show you why I hate them, I shall just list all the idiots who were part of my life at one point or another, who mistreated me, if that's the right word. 

1. There was the douchebag who would put an arm around me, give me little forehead/cheek kisses, all those 'cute' things guys would do to their girlfriends. Except he only treated me as a little sister. An 'adik angkat', if you're more familiar with that. 

For most of 2010 he continued doing that, treated me special, talked to me like I was special, shit like that. Until the day we shared our first kiss. I asked him if he would be my boyfriend, and he said he'd think about it. A week later he ignored me completely, and got another girl as his girlfriend. It was only about a year later that he came coming back to me.

2. During that period he was with that girl, I met another guy, of course. We shared a common interest, him with his photography and me with my videography. We got together, but I found out that all along he was never over his ex. [they were together for nearly two years]

He started talking to me about her a lot, telling me it was hard to move on because they were in the same class. And that the whole time he was only seeing me as her because we had a few similarities, like how we collected notebooks. And I remember they had a class outing, and he said to me "I would have kissed her that night if it wasn't for you."

Meh, he broke up with me and got back together with her shortly after if I'm not wrong. Oh, and he was the one who first brought me to second base. And he kept claiming I was the one who stole his happiness.

3. The guy who smothered me with attention and 'love', just to get me to home run, which I'd stupidly allowed out of pure loneliness. I can never get back what he took from me. We were never together. 

4. My latest relationship, the son of an uztad, who claimed he was always praying for me on his last sujud, who wanted me so badly to repent, to start praying and to wear tudung. Who always seemed so understanding when I told him I did have the intention, just that I wanted to repent on my own pace.

Also the same guy who judged everyone, looked down on those who weren't as religious as him, who dragged me into the handicap toilet with him on multiple occasions, who slapped me hard across the face when I didn't want to make out with him, who lost interest in me when I didn't let him touch me for a long time. 

Okay this one is making me so fucking mad right now. He's probably been telling everyone that I 'cheated on him twice', because that's the exact same phrase he's been saying to me ever since September last year. I'd explain this, but I don't want to turn this post into one dedicated to him. Maybe next time, because I've some other shit to rant about him anyway.

Pretty sure you've heard this already: he broke up with me two days after our anniversary, with the sentence I can never forget: "I just don't love you anymore."

5. Then came my time with the Whatsapp groups society. The first group I was in, and the first guy who approached me: he was tall and handsome, and absolutely charming, and the way he approached me was the best compared to the other guys, who were too direct and quick and shit.

This one asked me out on a date, to which I couldn't make it last minute because I'd misinterpreted my exam schedule. He got sad because he really wanted to see me, so I just told him okay, I'll see you after my exam, no matter how late it is.

He brought me to the basketball court where he played with his friends while I sat at the corner because I really wasn't a sportsperson [not that he invited me to play anyway]. I didn't mind really it was nice watching him in his comfort zone, and I forgot about it all when he gave me a goodbye hug when we parted at the station.

He didn't text me at all that night, which was strange considering the fact that before that, he was always texting me at every chance he got. Even the next morning, I decided to wish him a good morning, to which he just simply ignored. [Last Seen, and because he was talking on the group Whatsapp but not to me]

I don't know, his excuse was that he felt bad for making me wait, but right after that I heard it was because he was already contacting with another girl -.- So I started talking to Guy #6, and this Guy #5 was so mad about that for some reason, and we had a huge fall out because of some tweets. [you all know I rant on Twitter too much]

I went to our Whatsapp group and told everyone "I really wanna love you all because this is my first ever group, but one rotten apple spoils the whole basket."

He privately texted me, to which he was like, "We weren't even dating, so why have feelings for me?" and I was like Whuuut!? Which part of one rotten fucking apple spoils the whole basket [aka you, bitch] sounds like hey handsome, I like you!?!?!?

I really wanted to leave but I also wanted to stay because I liked the admin and most of the other people in the group. I talked to the admin about it, and she told me that yeh, that fag is damn egoistic, but he's actually damn nice on the inside and I could try saying sorry.

So I did, I carefully put out my words, and I said it so nicely that "Hey, I just wanna say sorry for whatever anger I caused you, I just hope we could go back to normal friends because we're in the same group after all, and because I really want our Admin to be happy." shit like that.

What was his response? Nope, not an "It's okay, I'm sorry too." or "Okay, you're forgiven (:". NOPE.

"Ok can"

Literally just a fucking "Ok can". NO FUCKING FULL STOP AT ALL TOO, HOW RUDE IS THAT.
Like fuck that shit, I left the group right after. 

6. The last guy I was supposedly in love with. He shared common interests with me, the most special one being his liking for writing. We talked for weeks and he was being so sweet to me and shit, but all along he actually had a girlfriend. One that's been going on for about two years too. 

I had to do a bit of stalking before I found out. His name was on her bio, so I asked him if he was attached. He still denied it, before he did eventually tell the truth. 

This one is the epitome of a dickhead. The first time we met each other, he was already holding my hand and shit. And when he told me to "Close your eyes and imagine a zombie apocalypse...", he waited until I did, before he leant in and kissed me. He kissed me. 

When I found out he had a girlfriend I kept telling him he had to tell her about me but I was so damn taken in with his sweet words to me that I continued seeing him even afterwards.

We don't talk anymore and he's left Heroine, but what makes him a bigger jerk was the fact that this one time, I think his girlfriend dumped him for a while, and he straightway came running to me. Texted me asking me to meet him and shit, telling me he'd came to my school and was sitting at my hideout, hoping I would have gone there. Tried to use his sweet words on me again, ugh.

They're fine together again, and he isn't texting me anymore, which is a good thing really, but just makes me think of him as the typical guy who straightway looks for a substitute once he doesn't have anyone. Jeez. I'm good friends with the girlfriend now, sorry if you're reading this my gurl.

7. A Heroine of mine introduced me to a classmate of his, who also had a blog. I followed this guy on Twitter, he followed back and a few days later mentioned to me, "Hey, nice blog you have there. Keep it up :)" which made me so happy because he's so handsome and cute lah. [and also taller than me]

Well, a friendship did form between us, but it didn't go very far. We talked everyday, he was randomly mentioning to me on Twitter like he wanted to show people I was that special to him, and always giving me good morning and goodnight texts, always called me sweetie which I oh so liked.

But then school started, and I could see he was kind of well losing interest? He didn't wish me good morning anymore, and his replies to my random mentions were uninterested. Til eventually he just stopped texting, and then I saw that he unfollowed me on Twitter.

Mm, I never did found out much about that guy. Thought we could have had something special because he was really a nice person, haha. This encounter just led to me thinking that guys never know what they want, and that once you show interest in him, he'd avoid you. Just like girls.

8. And then of course there's the older brother. The number 1 dickhead in the world. You know how they say oooohhhh, I want a son first and then a daughter so my son could beat the shit out of anyone who breaks my daughter's heart. In this family, not at all.

More like the son beats the shit out of anyone who breaks the daughter's heart. Just my luck that the one person who probably has the power to make me not hate guys, is also a jerk. 

____

All these dickheads guys have had their own blog posts, where I'd ranted out my story with them, if you've read them during the time they were written, or if you'd dug out my past haha.

Before you say it, yes, I know not all guys are like that. There are the few who have been so kind and nice to me, who have noticed me in this mess and taken an interest in me of all people, and whom I have hurt instead of the other way around.

Honourable mentions, like NJ, who was the one who lifted me up during my bad break-up of 2012. Who taught me how to cycle and was constantly there for me, until I pushed him away like heck on his 18th birthday. Haven't heard from him since.

Like D, who watched me drink and tumble everywhere and slide my face down the wall, and brought me all the way to school in that state and waited for me to end counselling just to buy me milo and made sure I was okay.

Like Z, who liked me for my differences, like my love for books, and who wanted to start reading again because of me. Whom I hurt, because I chose to fall for the dickhead who was cheating on his girlfriend, instead of him.

Like A, whom I've heard negative things about but who has proved me wrong with his everyday company, his constant positivity and how he can tolerate my bullshit.

Like Y, who'd probably suffer the consequences of being friends with me, but continues to hang out with me and exchange problems with me, because "Just let them say what they want to, you're still my friend no matter what."

Like R, who got attracted to me of all people, because of my flaws, and who tried so hard to let me know he was there, realising my worth and existence. Who is still trying, despite knowing how head over heels I am over somebody else.

And also L, who is the most special of them all. The brightest star in the sky.

____

My point of this post is.... I forgot. I think I ended up making this post look like a dedication to all guys of the world, holy shit. I actually hate them, trust me, I really do. In fact, if you're one of the guys on my Honourable Mentions, I just wanna let you know that I hate you because I see an inner dickhead in your heart. [ugh, you should know I still appreciate you]

My point is actually, I wanna be a feminist. My experiences with guys are plenty enough for me to realise that they're assholes, and not only towards me but towards other girls as well. We girls don't need them. I am getting tired of those quotes on Twitter that make it seem like all girls are dependent on guys. We aren't!

If anything, they're the ones who need us. I swear to Arceus, we girls are so damn powerful on our own, and it's the existence of men that bring us down. I don't even know why they are considered the 'superiority' gender when they're weak as heck, and stupid as heck.

I don't know, I just... I wish we'd rise over the male species. I wish we'd continue getting the respect that we deserve, goddammit. I wish we'd stop looking down on ourselves just because a guy rejected us, or broke up with us, or made sexist jokes about us.

Because from what I see, we girls have so much more potential in us than idiot guys. If only we'd see it and realise that Hey, we can balance ourselves on tiny high heels. Of course we can stand on our own on other circumstances.

Okay, I'm not yet a feminist. I'm not even sure if that's the right word for what I wanna stand up for, so I'll do a bit more research before doing this again. This is a pretty long post, I don't even know if anyone's read it up to this point. *smiles awkwardly*

HAPPY / a little update on life

Not sure if anyone's noticed, but I haven't been blogging much lately. I'd like to think it's because I've been busy with school and assignments and shit, but nope. I'm still the same old lazy person who cuts off all ties with schoolwork once I'm home.

Other reasons as to why I hadn't been blogging is because
1. I've been writing in my diary more often.
2. I've too many books I need to read.
3. I haven't been sad/angry/happy enough to blog, as silly as it sounds, because we all know how my blog posts usually revolved around my emotions.

If you're a constant reader, you'd remember my posts from some time ago where I'd wrote about how I struggled to get back with writing. I've been doing a good job about that, and I'm really proud of myself. I've not been writing everyday like I used to, but it's a start.

There's also the obsession with books. I buy way too many books, faster than the rate in which I read. Current count of unread books on my shelves are 37, I think. [maybe I bought more since I last counted, I don't remember] [and yes I'm currently broke because of this]

And then with regards to point 3, I just haven't encountered anything that made me super sad or angry enough to blog about. My recent posts have been about this particular guy I'm crushing on [being with him makes me happy], and a flea market with the best friend, with a single angry post in between.

Sad posts are rare right now, if that's the right word? Sure, I've been sad, but those feelings weren't strong enough to bring me down, because I always found ways to cheer myself up. It feels good, I swear I've never felt this way before.

The only thing that makes me sad these days is the fact that my guy isn't liking me back, haha. Other than that, meh... Nothing much to make me miserable, really.

I've learnt to deal with the fact that I have two homes, and that I have no friends in school. I've been obediently transferring to and fro Pasir Ris and Paya Lebar, no more crying about being tossed here and there, no more getting upset about the changes I'd seen in my two hometowns.

I've been eating lunch on my own, not at my hideout but in plain sight. It used to bother me to be seen eating alone, but right now I just don't care anymore. I've started looking forward to lunch because I get to watch videos while eating my rice bowl, muehehe. [Shi Hui and I rarely get the same lunchtimes together]

Today, I'm back at Paya Lebar. I've been watching some old videos on my Youtube account [you can't see them because most of them are private] and I've been laughing my ass off the whole time!!! They're just so memorable, and I swear, I looked way more hideous back then.

All those happy memories of 2011 make me sad inside, because I'd thrown away the chance of having that same happiness in 2012. Why? Because of a break-up, if you'd read my long post from July last year.

Lesson learnt, don't let a break-up bring you down no matter what. And we girls don't need the presence of guys to remind us we're beautiful and strong and shit. Just no. We're fine on our own, really. We just don't realise our potential. If anything, them dudes are the ones who rely on us more.

I don't want to go all feminist on you right now, haha. And anyway, despite my hate and take on guys, I'm still having a crush on one right now, so I'd better not seem hypocritical, if that's the right word.

So anyway, just some recent updates?: I've been going to school, heh. There's this kid who's literally in my every class, and luckily for me he's super friendly. He first approached me on the first Friday of lessons, and he's been disturbing me in class ever since. He hadn't been present in school today, and it was super quiet without him, because he's always super noisy.

I'd been laughing in class a lot, believe it or not. Not that I'm officially friends with everyone, [I don't know their names, and I'm pretty sure they don't even notice my existence] but being in the same classroom as them brings out some joy in me :3

There's also this guy whose name I've forgotten, but he's been helpful in two of my classes, and he's super nice too. Many nice people really, and funny and entertaining. Just make sure I don't get too close to anyone, and I'm pretty sure this semester will be a breeze.

That's it for today then. Not sure if anyone would read this, other than my usual loyal readers like Siying and Nura (': But I love you, whoever's reading this.

current song that's been on repeat: Happy // 2NE1
current book I'm reading: How To Love // Katie Cotugno 

Cheesy poem for you

You, looking so shy and invisible
So small that you're barely noticeable
You've got a smile that dances in the darkest nights
Eyes that shine the brightest of all the lights

My hatred for him grows all the more merrier
Knowing you see him as a barrier
My heart breaks knowing I've lost you to him
But it rages seeing the way he keeps you in

Does he look out for you the way I do?
Does he understand your religious view?
Does he listen to every word you say?
Does he bother asking you about your day?

You, looking so lost and clueless
Leaking of a mixture of secrets and innocence
Never forgotten a single word you've said,
I yearn to know everything that happens in your head.

If you would open your eyes a little and see
You'd know at least half the things he told me
The way I see it, you're in his control
How I wish I could return you your heart and soul.

Does he realise how much you're worth?
Does he appreciate your existence on this Earth?
Does he bother hearing out your stories
Or does he just judge you and your theories?

Would he sacrifice for you some of his strength

Or give away a load of his breath?

Tell me how long more would he keep you in his life

Because he certainly wouldn't make you his wife.

I wish you'd run away with me and take a chance

Hold my hand in yours and follow the same plans 

I swear to you he won't take care of you like I would

He can never love you the way I could.

Reasons why I like you

I really mean it when I say you're one of a kind. You aren't like any other guys at all, you're the exact opposite of every other girl's dreamboy, you're invisible to many, and that is just what pulls me toward you.

1. You handle my ranting the way no one else could.
When I tell you my problems, you don't fuss over me. You don't give me advice. In fact, your replies don't have anything to do with my ranting most of the time. You talk about something else entirely, making me laugh and taking my mind off my troubles at the same time.

2. I love your obsession with Science.
I really do love listening to you go on about things which go against my metaphors. I love having you answer my questions about anything and everything. I love seeing you "typing...", knowing it was a dozen more texts explaining what I'd just asked. The rare occasions where you'd talk more than I would.

3. You make me feel like a little girl again.
When was the last time I had a silly schoolgirl crush??? It feels better to like somebody than to be liked. I feel so happy seeing you at your school. I melt into a puddle whenever I look into the pool that is your eyes. I get a dozen butterflies just standing next to you, I get electric shocks whenever we make contact. And when I'm not with you, I sit and daydream about you. You make me feel so innocent again, despite everything I'd gone through.

4. I love how you friend-zone me like heck.
As silly as it sounds, I really do. I like talking 'aku kau' with you, I like how you're talking with me like how boys would talk to each other. It just makes the rare moments where you show me affection all the more worth treasuring.

5. I love how nerdy you are.
The first time I saw you in a long time, back at Yio Chu Kang station, you were looking so lost and blur as heck, and I thought you were really cute. I like how you're shy around people, how you're awkward with me. I love the stoic face you always have on, the way you walk, and especially the way you talk about the things you like. And to top it off, I love how you're interested in the things you're interested in. Haha.

6. I love how honest and real you are.
Sure most of the time you're shy as heck, but when you do talk, you're always honest and you always mean what you say. You aren't afraid to admit your views on certain things. You don't give in to me, you make sure I know exactly how you think of me, even if it hurts. It's way better than all those other guys who try to 'angkat' me and shit.

7. The fact that there's still a lot to learn about you.
It's been about a year and a half since I met you, but I still don't know anything about you. I wish I could be closer to you, know everything about you. I wish I know how you are when you're really out of your comfort zone. I'm really jealous of your best friend because he knows way more about you than I do, UGH.

I keep daydreaming about you, even when I know you'd never like me back. I really meant it when I said I've no intentions of making you my boyfriend, but it'd be really nice to hang out with you more often. It'd be nice to treat you like a prince and a faggot at the same time. You're probably the only guy I could ever treat that way, hehe.

Gosh, I just... I have so many things to talk to you about, so many things I'd like to do with you. Remember when you said you had a chance with a girl back in the past, but that you wasted it? Well... I hope you can take it as a lesson that the next time a girl comes along again, you'd appreciate her like how you hadn't appreciated the one before.

Just like how I learnt a lot in my past relationship, and that I'd changed based on his words. But instead of using my new strength on him, I'd rather invest my energy on someone new. Focus on the future, not the past, you know?

I just wish you'd notice me I guess. Do you know you're the reason why I've been so focused in class? Okay, so I daydream about you in the middle of a boring lecture, but the thought of you is what makes me get back on track, thinking about how smart you are. You're my inspiration to be smart, as crazy as it sounds D:

And you look a mixture of hot and cute in those glasses. Not every guy can pull off that look *.*

I just feel reborn again thanks to you. You give me this crazy amount of energy which I've never had before as a loner. I just... Aaahhhh *covers my blushing face in disbelief* now I'm swooning over you. I need to stop.

GO FUCK YOURSELF

Before I get to it, here's the root of the problem; why I'm so pissed off at the time I am writing this.

Ever since I started school again, I'd been sleeping in my parents room. So we have an extension plug in the living room which I bring into the room every night so my dad and I can both charge our phones and use my bedroom fan at the same time, because we don't have enough sockets in the room.

On Monday morning, as usual I didn't put it back outside because dude I was rushing for school? You just had to make a big deal out of it, like it's gonna take so much effort to bring it back outside to the living room yourself.

The faggot snapped on family Whatsapp, to which Dad said it was him, and that he was sorry. That just pissed the fuck out of me, why should he say sorry? He didn't do anything wrong, it's just a goddamn extension plug which you can bring out yourself. And he ain't your servant to have to say sorry for not doing what you asked.

So I retaliated by pointing out how you sometimes don't put things back to their original spots too. Take note that I'd said it so calmly with no sign of malice. I was just stating facts, and I also added how you'd always turn on the fan and television outside, only to go back into your room 5 minutes later, leaving everything on outside. Just a reminder for you too, like how you'd reminded me to put back the extension plug.

Not my fault you couldn't accept my goddamn suggestion??? Right after I said this, the faggot said, roughly translated; "Eh don't be so extra, so kpo for what. Jangan balik ah gi berambus." Like dude? 1. I'm not being extra, you're obviously talking to me about the goddamn extension plug. 2. No need to say that second line, it's so unneeded, like I didn't say anything like that to you.

I know you fucking hate me, and I know I'm not part of the family anymore ever since I got kicked out years ago. I totally don't need you to rub it in my face. I don't need ignorant fucks to be acting all smart and telling me something I already know.

Getting straight to the points about the tweets things.

1. You're both getting riled up over the word 'stupid'. That's pretty much it. I never said anything else, nothing more offensive than that. And I'm not literally saying your girlfriend is stupid; I wanna go into an English lesson on my usage of the word 'stupid' here, but you'd be too slow to catch what I mean.

2. You should know by now that I hate your girlfriends on status, not by person. Whoever your girlfriend is at the moment, I'll always hate her whether or not she's nice. And it's been that way since your first one. And I don't care if you think it's immature or whatever because I know it is.

3. Your ex girlfriend was nice to me, and she's honest and real with me, that's why I really liked her. It's not that she got closer to me to use me or whatever. I just finally agreed to be her friend when she wasn't with you anymore. Because see point 2 you faggot.

4. I don't want your 'attention and love', I just hate your attitude/behaviour.

5. What's that you said bro? You thought that I'd 'change' now that I'd returned to you guys? What the hell do you even know about me? Whether or not I changed, trust me you wouldn't know. You never knew me in 2013, you never knew me in 2012, you never knew me in any of the years before I left. You stopped getting to know me about 10 years ago now.

6. God knows why you hate me, no matter what I do. God knows why you even stopped talking to me. I still remember that one time during your parent-teacher meeting, when you were carrying our little brother and happily talking to him and shit, but when I tried to join in you wouldn't let me. You snapped at me, "Sana lah, sibuk je!" just because I stood next to you. Idk why but I've always remembered that. And even then, I didn't know why you were such a dick to me.

7. I've always tried to be nice to you. I've always let go of the fact that you're an asshole to me for who-knows-what reason. I hate you a lot now because I gave up on that. Because no matter what I do, you're still a dickhead to me.

8. I give you my love and you don't react. I send you a little bit of my hate and you retaliate like shit. Like fuck you bro.

9. I ain't the only one who thinks you're not treating your family right. I don't give a shit about the fact that you don't regard me as your family. I don't want to fucking care, but I have to because you ain't treating them right at all. Sure, you give them money from your salary, but days later you're asking them for more money for 'allowance'. Like whut?

You spend your money on your own things, and on your girlfriend. And honestly, Dad's the one who's been talking to me about you, regarding this. You had some vouchers shit which you kept to yourself and didn't share with them, some shit like that.

And really, I highly doubt family is your priority at all, whether or not I'm in the picture. You don't make time for them, be it shopping or grocery shopping, or whatever. If anything, the family puts you as priority while you take their presence lightly. I can see you stepping all over their heads all the damn time, and it just fuels my hate for you.

You throw a tantrum when Mom is too tired to fry you your goddamn hashbrowns or nuggets. You sulk about how you're only eating bread all the time when Dad is too tired to cook goddamn maggi for you. That's right, you don't even know how to make your own meals. McDonald's kat bawah je, susah sangat nak pergi beli sendiri.

You can't wait to fuck off and start your new family? Don't hold it against me, but you have my fullest support for that. I can't wait for you to suffer independently, considering the fact that you can't even do shit for yourself right now at age 23.

Maybe I know why you hate me now. It's because you can't accept facts. You hate how there's someone who dares to stand up against you, and that it's your fucking little sister.

"Sorry aku popular and kau tak, sampai kau kene dengki dengan hidup aku."
That line just blew my mind. Who the fuck wants to be popular like you? Sure, I want people to know my blog because it's just a step for me to be known for my writing. I want to be a writer, and I'm starting with this blog. But I don't want to be 'famous' for hypocritical tweets like you.

And who the fuck tengah dengki dengan hidup kau? Definitely not me. I don't even give a shit about your life. God knows who the fuck possessed me to bother making you that card for your girlfriend on your monthsary, UGH. A rare time I'd made effort to make you happy, when you've never done that for me. [and you even took all the credit]

I'm fine as who I am bro. You should know from last time about how unpopular and nerdy I am. I'm worlds apart from you and maybe that's another reason why we don't get along. I don't fucking care about the fact that you're popular, I'm mad only because your popularity is feeding on your non-existent love for the family.

Your world revolves around you and your girlfriend, and that's it. I swear to God that's how you see things.

I don't know shit about you really, because I stopped knowing you since like a decade ago. But that's what I can fucking see, and I fucking hate you for that.

If anything, you're the one who's envious of me for having a non-existent and peaceful social life. I don't have many friends in poly, and I know not many people notice/like me. But I'm fine like that. I don't give a single shit. At least I know my family's feelings for me are real. At least I've been through shit which taught me to stand up on my own two feet, unlike you.

And the house was peaceful last time because you never made the effort to talk to our parents and little brother. You think they like it when the house is quiet as fuck? You think Mom is happy when both her sons are always too lazy/busy to go out with her? And I've heard of the way you tried to buat kelakar with our little brother. You sounded like a nenek talking to a teenager, I just had to laugh.

With all this said, I highly doubt you'd understand a word of what I just said. Judging from your chronic Malay typing, I don't think you'd be able to read this whole blog post really. And that's just gonna frustrate you more, I know, and it's also just gonna make you retaliate more. That's pretty funny actually.

Freeloading at my best friend's flea market

My best friend had her very first flea market yesterday! Me being the most helpful best friend in existence, I was the one who helped her bring her stuff from Tampines all the way to Lot One at Choa Chu Kang.

And me being the most slackiest and freest best friend in the clique, I decided to stay there the whole day, because I had time to kill, like I always do. No regrets in this decision though!

We had a few genius moments, like realising that she didn't bring plastic bags for the customers. I'm not sure why Cold Storage didn't sell any, and I even asked my Heroines if any of them could come and provide us with some T_T

Problem solved by asking the neighbour at the booth next to us though. Siying offered to pay for the 10 plastic bags she received, but the woman wouldn't hear of it. Such generosity.

I ran up and down the whole shopping mall a lot! First to get Siying a marker and masking tape, for her to write her signs and stuff. Then to get her iced coffee. Then to look for plastic bags, then to buy myself some chicken chop :3

I swear that chicken chop was the best, it basically felt like 2 meals in one, because there was rice, corn, telur mata lembu, and the wonderful chicken chop itself. A meal fit for a princess!

And then I made two more trips down for iced milo. Best milo ever too. Expensive as hell though, because two bucks.

So you should be able to see by now how I'd been freeloading all morning. All day too actually. I've always been bad at customers, no joke. And the social problems and lack of confidence don't help either. Siying did all the talking.

We also did our own chatting, because it always feels like such a long time since we last spoke. The whole time we chatted, our chairs were back-to-back with that of the boy at the booth next to us. I can't possibly imagine how he'd react to our conversations if he'd been eavesdropping. Listening to a pair of girl best friends talk is always a scary thing xD

We had free cotton candy, or candy floss, whatever. Feels like that part of my childhood has been gone for a century, because I forgot how it tasted. I forgot how the substance melts immediately in your mouth, and how its sweetness spreads all across your tongue, and disappears right after. Gosh.

The Mercy Relief volunteers were going around selling fruit punch for 50cents a cup, but they weren't coming to us when we really wanted a drink. It was only when there were two cups left did we get desperate. Tried to get their attention, for the sake of the fruit punch xD

That fruit punch tasted exactly like how it would at a Malay wedding, as silly as it sounds. It made me think of the times when my cousins and I would be running around in our baju kurungs, and only come back to the house to get a taste of the fruit punch.

There was a Malay family at one of the other booths, and they just further fueled my nostalgia. I don't know about you guys but Malay families are probably one of the most supportive ever. If you have an event that doesn't happen everyday, you bet that everyone would be there on that day. Right?

It was fun as heck, watching Siying lower the prices as the day went by, getting ignored by customers, watching other booths. Oh, and I like the part where we were gossiping about pinoys, and along came a pair to buy stuff, to which they said: "I see your face so nice, so I come here!" ohmaigosh, I couldn't help laughing when she said that.

All in all, I had a lot of fun. Sure, I may have gotten sleepy or bored, but it was better than rotting at home, maybe even better than my usual routine of riding the roads.



And here's a super random 'vlog', made out of the footage I recorded out of boredom.

The brightest star in the sky

There's always been something about him. Sure, at the beginning there weren't any feelings, but I still thought he was amazing.

I hadn't seen or talked to him for a long time, not til a few weeks ago when I was exploring Woodlands with a fellow Heroine. We'd gotten stuck in the rain, so we played 20 questions at a void deck while waiting for it to stop.

One of my friend's questions for me was, "Who's the most handsome guy you've ever met?" And I wasn't sure why at the time, but the first name, the first face, that popped up was his.

So I answered truthfully, and I elaborated that he's not only good-looking, but his character also contributed to him being 'the most handsome guy I've ever met'. Afterwards I couldn't help confiding in my friend about him, the parts of my life in which he had contributed greatly.

I only had the balls to strike a conversation with him some time later. It went okay I guess, just asked how was he and stuff. We used to talk about all kinds of random things, but I felt kind of awkward when talking to him again after a long time.

The first time I saw him after that was when I went over to his school, where my secondary school girlfriend was having her performance. I'd gone there on Wednesday and Thursday, and while I hadn't seen him on Wednesday, I totally was not expecting to see him the day after.

But guess what, I exited the train station and the first thing I saw was him.

We'd both walked out of the sheltered walkway, where crowds of other students were walking in. I don't know what kind of crazy coincidence that was.

I straightway walked back into the crowd and looked at my phone, pretending I hadn't seen him. I thought I'd say hi but I had a strong feeling he wouldn't respond.

Right after I was sure he'd walked past me, I couldn't help smiling to myself. I thought he was so cute. The whole route from the station to the entrance of his school, I was trying so hard not to grin like an idiot to myself. I really didn't think I'd be so happy just to see him.

He texted me later on, telling me he'd seen me, but that he wasn't sure if it was me. He couldn't recognise me with my glasses, heheh. It was a rare occasion where he'd started a conversation with me, and one that went on throughout my entire time at his school.

I'd always wanted to visit him at work because he said it was okay, but I never had the balls. I too wanted to send him home after work but yep, no balls. Every time I asked him out, I had to hide it in a coat of a joking tone so he wouldn't think I was serious. He always said no anyway.

Then Monday happened. For the first time in forever~, when I told him I was at his school, he'd asked me where I was, and that I could come to the library where he was at.

Gosh, I got so nervously excited, I just... Aaah. When I saw him, I just lost all my balls and couldn't remember anything which I'd wanted to ask him/talk to him about. My knees were shaking and I couldn't help stuttering a bit here and there. How embarrassing.

And then I got a chance to go home with him. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world at that moment, I swear. What is the statistical probability of being able to go home with someone you like? Gosh.

The trains were crowded so we decided to sit on the station waiting for the peak hour to pass. I had so much to ask him, though I don't think I'd managed to ask anything...

I'd known for a fact that he's shy around girls, or maybe just people in general. I remember a long time ago he'd said so, and that he gets nervous and anxious, even when he was with me. But he seemed fine on Monday, he didn't seem afraid to be himself, and I was secretly proud of him for that.

He showed me the memes and the gifs he'd laughed at, he showed me and gushed over his new favourite animal, he talked to me about the randomest things.

At one point of our chat, he said, "My throat is starting to hurt. I haven't been talking a lot because I'm not used to it."

It made me sad to hear that. Call it overthinking or exaggerating or whatever, but it made me feel like he'd cooped up his thoughts for so long. I don't know... It just broke my heart a little to know that he hadn't been talking to anyone else like he did to me.

As always, he refused to go for a movie with me, even after lots of my persuasion. He introduced me this game on his phone, some tap-tap-tapping on the black tiles, no touching the white ones.

It was hard as heck for me, until he said "If you can beat any of my high scores, I'll watch a movie with you." That was such good motivation for me, gosh. I found myself tapping faster and shit, hahaha!

Each time I lost, I'd scream of frustration, and he'd hiss and laugh, "Shut up lah!" But gosh. I love it when he laughs. The crinkles by his eyes and the fang at the side of his mouth.

We tapped out of the train station again to get a drink and sat by the sheltered walkway to chat some more. Because it hurt me to see him not knowing how amazing he is, I admitted how I'd long thought he's the most handsome person I'd ever met, outside and inside.

We finally got on a train around 8, when it was emptier than before. I loved the way he moved his head to follow the blue lights, and the expression of amazement in his eyes, gosh. That was the millionth time I'd melted that day.

I had to constantly remind myself that we were standing in front of the window, and that he could see in our reflections how I was gazing at him. I couldn't help it.

I was so thankful I hadn't gone back to Paya Lebar, because I had an expressway bus from Woodlands to Pasir Ris. It gave me reason to be able to send him home at Marsiling, hehe.

The last time we walked there by Marsiling station, I was a mess, drunk on alcohol and emotion. I didn't want to mention that night because I only wanted him to know that I'm a strong person who doesn't need to rely on anything, who doesn't cry about someone who gave up on her. I really wanted to show him that I'd changed since our last meeting.

But he asked, "What did you do here after I left you that night?"

"...I sat there crying my eyes out, and tweeting like crazy about how you left me there." I answered truthfully. And then I laughed. Because that time, although just 4 months ago, is a lifetime ago and it doesn't bother me anymore.

He went on about how heavy I was, and I started to feel a little relieved that that night seems like just a joke now.

The only thing about that night that I'll always remember is how pretty I realised his eyes are.

Our conversations went back to being random as we crossed the traffic lights and walked the big field in front of his house area.

I got so scared when we saw a frog, and he pretended to pick it up just to freak me out, ugh. And then he pretended he wanted to hold my hand when we passed a couple, just to imitate them, but laughed when I reached out for his hand seriously, UGH.

But that's just what I like about him. The way he annoys me all the time. As much as it really irritates me, I like how he's all like, "Hey! That's your 'I'm a faggot!' face!" whenever I sulked, in reference to a November memory.

At the lobby of his lift, we had a little silence. I really didn't want to say goodbye.

We did more silly handshakes, probably the only time I could ever make contact with his hand. And that was it. The lift door closed, and I was alone again.

But boy was I euphoric. I met and told a cat about how happy I was. I skipped my way through the field. I was smiling so much til my cheeks hurt. I was tired as hell, but it was worth it.

It'd be nice to be a little closer to him, honestly. I never had intentions to make him my boyfriend or anything. I don't really want us to fall in love and shit, but it'd be nice to, well, get to know him better.

I swear some quotes on Twitter do make a lot of sense. "There's a difference between liking someone for who they really are, and liking someone only for the attention they give you."

I think I'm one of the lucky few to know this difference.

You've no idea how amazing he is. He doesn't see himself the way I do, but I enjoy his presence, I appreciate his thoughts, and I admire his stand. I like how he's invisible to others, because it made me feel like that way I could have him all to myself.

I'd always wanted to know how it was like to be in his shoes. He talked to me about his personal life sometimes, but still I wonder how his life is really like. He's probably gone through a lot, but he seems way stronger than me.

It'd be nice to know his thoughts too. How his brain really works, considering his obsession with all things Science. His liking for the internet. His forever aloneliness.

I really do like him the way he is, whether or not he likes me back.

It's really okay. He's a little flower, perfectly fine as he is, left unpicked. When you see a flower, you don't pick it, you leave it as it is because love is about appreciation, not possession. All you have to do is water it regularly, if someone else already haven't.

Besides, he's just wonderful on his own. I feel like I shouldn't taint his perfection by being with him. That's why I'm just fine admiring him from afar. That laugh of his, and those eyes.

His existence has left quite an impact on my recent life. I don't know how to explain this, other than that it's the thought of him that motivates me to study hard, to walk with pride, to not give a shit about any negativity. It's the thought of him that pulls me through the day.

Strangled by a spider the size of my face

After two weeks of school, my dreams have been relatively 'normal'.

Okay, there was one where Johore Bahru was all dead and abandoned because it got bombed, and another where we were escaping a giant tornado on a ship, where the people around me were all soulless. And another where I was driving on the wrong side of the expressway, a la Heavy Rain.

Honestly, this is considered early for me to be up on a weekend. But that's because I'd woken up from one hell of a dream. I can still feel it all over my face.

It starts out with a narrative; a voice is saying, "I was forced to do homework, because this teacher had a reputation for giving us assignments that would fill to the brim of the cup."

The person I am in the dream [pretty sure it isn't myself] graduated from high school and moved out, and the dream fast forwarded to years later, or maybe I just forgot what happened in between.

I'm back at the house I was in at the beginning, and this time, a little boy is in my place. By the desk, slumped over with a pen in hand and papers beneath his cheek. Exactly my position at the start of the dream.

A spider sits beside him. Just the normal house spiders you'd see, the ones with super thin legs that look literally just like lines. You know? Except this spider is the size of your face. And it's talking.

It looks like it's  manipulating the little boy, who is apparently my little brother in the dream. The narrator says again, "She watched him take her place, watched in horror because she knows how [insert a teacher's name which I didn't get] had a reputation for giving assignments that filled to the brim of the cup."

The spider is babbling some motivational shit to the boy, but when he remains slumped, it brings him over to me. The boy follows, and I can see how tired and dead his face is.

Before I can question what it intends to do, the spider throws itself onto my face. I try to scream, but it wraps half its legs across my throat. I reach for its body, trying to pull it off my face, but the harder I pull, the more it strangles me. There's also a burning sensation on my hand whenever I make contact with its body.

As if that isn't disgusting enough, the spider says to the boy: "You have to be able to do this in order to study...." it has a draggy, raspy voice, gosh. And it wraps more legs around the back of my head, and inserts them into my ear.

I'm really struggling to get it off at this point, but I can't bear how it's strangling me. The front of my neck has always been my most sensitive spot; could never sit properly during a haircut because I was always tugging the drape away from my neck.

The spider's legs are all over me by now; strangling me, cleaning out my ears, and it's even saying, "You have to insert from here, and go through, and come out from the other ear....." I can't scream, but my heart's beating fast while I shake my head violently.

One more shake of my head, and BAM. I woke up. And I could still feel the tingling on the side of my face and in my ear, and around my neck.

I swear I've not been thinking of spiders, what the hell. Maybe it's because you guys have been so obsessed with The Amazing Spider-Man 2, ugh. Thanks a lot guys.

Life lessons from video games

The other day, my good friend from Heroine and I were talking about video games. How he couldn't decide between taking the bus or MRT home, and that he'd better make his choice before the buttons fade from the screen.

In a way, it was as if it's saying that you should learn how to make decisions for yourself, and not let others decide your path in life. We all know how sad Eevees are; sure, it's cool how they can evolve into lots of different Eeveelutions, but does it really decide for itself? Nope, its trainer does.

My friend and I came to the conclusion that Heavy Rain is probably the most inspirational game ever. If you've never seen Pewdie play it, it's a game whereby you get to play as 4 characters, and the story changes by the decisions you make and if a character dies.

In the Walking Dead game, some decisions are very important to make too, because such a tiny choice made can leave a huge impact on the game.

But in Heavy Rain, and sometimes in other games too, it ain't just about decisions. It's about actions too. If you don't hit the right buttons on time, or swipe here properly, to dodge the enemy and shit, then your character dies, BAM! the story changes.

Sure, you may make the right decisions half the time but what good are they if you don't take the proper step to fulfilling them?

Just a short post, because my next class is starting soon. I've been listening and paying attention, and doing my work, aren't you so proud of me! I just hope this attitude is maintained through out the semester. I ain't got no faggot to be dumped by this time anyway.

Your classmate as an umbilical cord???

Thank you to the boys of his 2013 class, for welcoming me at your school and letting me play soccer with you. To Farhan for making me giggle whenever he bullied the other guys, to Yazid for messaging me asking if I was okay when he saw my tweets, for treating me to Chicken Rice Shop.

Thank you Dina for giving me a nickname the day we first met, which no other people has ever called me before. I'm also sorry for not making it on time to watch your dance performance that night.
Thank you Diyanah for having such a nice and contagious smile, for giving me tweets of encouragement when I was on the slow road of repentance.

Thank you Naqib for your lame jokes which still never failed to make me laugh. For sending me home after I'd gotten freaked out with a horror movie, for telling me that "If it's really your passion, you wouldn't care who reads your blog or not."

Thank you Merlissa for giving me so much advice over the course of our meeting, though I've always been too stubborn to heed. For taking me under your wing the very first day we met, for trusting me enough to confide in me about your own life. For coming down to Woodlands Waterfront and listening to my drunk talk and watching me cry, for being the first person I'd talk to when I have a problem with him. ["Thank you for the smiles of 2013", http://109blackaxesii.blogspot.com/2014/01/thank-you-for-smiles-of-2013.html]

This was written on New Year's Eve, before 2014 started, because in 2013 I'd met these amazing people whom I wanted to thank, for having made me smile and laugh. I'm not sure if they ever read it, but yep.

I didn't have my own tertiary friends, not any that were as close as these people were to the faggot ex. I was jealous of him, but also thankful that he bothered to let me meet them. In fact, when we broke up early 2014, his friends were the first ones there for me. 

Mel watched me cry as always, lectured me and listened to my stubborn and rubbish replies. Invited me to her place, watched Hell's Kitchen or something with me and made me noodles.

Qib came over to Woodlands, made sure I didn't drink anymore, bought me Burger King and listened to my rubbish as well. He even brought me home all the way to Pasir Ris, even though he lived in Yishun.

Zid brought me out for a walk around Pasir Ris, gave me advice and his own opinions about moving on. Diyanah was on my ask.fm, giving me long encouraging paragraphs, reminding me of how much stronger I could be.

It's been a year since I met them all. 26th April 2013 to be exact, if that's the right date. I just remember it's the second Friday of my semester 1, which started on the 15th last April.

I came over for a visit yesterday, after such a long time of not doing so. I used to come over all the time, said hi to everyone, and although I was quiet because I was shy, I always just... embraced being with them. 

I'm still feeling pretty sad at the reactions I got. I looked at one of them, wanting to smile but she looked at me, frowned and glanced off like "Shit, I made eye contact." I've never really talked to her one on one before, but she always seemed nice. It hurt me, really. 

And then Qib was glaring at me, literally. The day he came over to Woodlands was the last time I saw him. I never talked to him after that, except some time ago I texted him asking how was he and that I'd missed him, because we hadn't talked for a while.

He didn't reply that, and just a few days ago I realised he unfollowed me on Twitter. Being unfollowed by a close friend is always a big deal...  I don't understand why he'd avoid/ignore me, because I really don't recall doing anything wrong to him.

I think I came on the wrong day. Or maybe I shouldn't have come at all. I felt so unwelcome. Farhan's answers came out forced when I was asking him how was he, and Mel seemed quite unhappy that I wanted to see her just to say I missed her, because I really did. 

I don't quite understand. Does breaking up with your classmate means I'm no longer friends with you...? I hate being friends with someone only with an umbilical cord, as I call it. Does cutting off the link means you aren't allowed to even say hi to me or something?

I didn't have the balls to give them the brownies after that. I ended up throwing them away, because they turned out bad anyway.

It isn't the first time I've loved a group of friends, only to be given reasons why I shouldn't. There was 5/1 2012, and then there was my semester 1 classmates. "Love for friends" have probably been long crossed off the list of things to love. Friends aren't there forever either.

Or maybe they never saw me as a friend. Maybe I was just "my friend's girlfriend", and just "my friend's ex" now. That's it, nothing more. I actually cried on the way home thinking about it, haha, but it's okay. I gotta deal with it and catch up on life.

Back together with writing

So! Today was officially the start of classes. Just like last semester, my first day happened to be the shortest day; I only had class from 9-12 today {: I'd say what this module is but you'd fall asleep halfway through its name.

Lucky for me, today's class is with Shi Hui, so I waited for her before heading on to class, despite both of us being half an hour late. This class wasn't that bad, well there weren't many people to begin with. All the first day fears of being buried by a thousand eyes just vanished.

I had lunch with Shi Hui and Loy at the poolside canteen, where I'd bumped into a few other coursemates. It was nice seeing Hadi, I don't know why! Probably because he's always been the one from 1A1 to encourage me and support me out of the blue.

Everyone had class afterward, while I already didn't have any, so I headed up to the library to do some writing. It'd been a while since I last caught up with my diary, so we decided to make some sweet, sweet love.

I'm so proud of myself for realising how important I am, compared to some guy I met barely over a year ago. For realising how I'd made a wrong choice by choosing to love him more than what I loved to do since childhood. [link to a blog post in case you are confused]

I listened to the songs which used to remind me of him, songs which I refused to listen after the break-up because they made me remember his smile, songs which hit the nail on the head regarding having lost a loved one. I hated those songs, but today, I listened to them, and the sadness was what drove me to keep writing.

He used to reprimand me for my anger management issues. And, looking at both my parents, I was pretty sure I did have those problems. But hey, I got to the bottom of my life, yet here I am, not angry anymore. I think I've overcome my grudges.

I'd said this so many times, really. I've changed from last year. I no longer hold grudges, and I'm no longer angry.

Okay maybe Express Files isn't the only useful thing he left behind. He left behind a whole truckload of my energy and my courage and my strength, which I'd been able to pick up easily and use for my own life. So thank you, you idiotic worthless scumbag of a faggot ex.

Bottom line is, I can write again! My hand does get a little shaky after a while, but I'll take a few deep breaths and I can go on again. At the end of it, I'd managed to write 4 pages in an hour, which is a big deal to me, though it is nothing compared to the past, before 2013.

But it's a start. A rebirth.

I love writing, and I always will. I've grown stronger, and I always will.

A diary entry: why passion is important

Solitude kills me.

It was taking away my life, slowly but surely.

The only reason why I called myself the "Solitary Author" was to balance myself. It was not only a reflection of who I was.

Solitary: alone.
Author: writing about everything that's in my presence.

Solitary: sadness.
Author: writing makes me happy.

Solitary: it kills me.
Author: writing is my saviour, and the only thing that keeps me alive.

I told you I'm ugly didn't I? You do know, you've long known, my precious diary. My friendship with you emphasises on my loneliness, yet being with you is the best thing I could ever ask for.

You've been with me for years, and I've always appreciated it. But, my precious diary,... I'm falling in love. At times, I want to be with him more than I want to write in you. I've never felt this way before.

I want to tell him more about myself than share my intimate thoughts with you. I'm sorry, my precious diary, I'm starting to love this guy more than I've always loved you. It explains why I badly didn't want him to leave me alone that night.

I'm sorry, I understand if you think I'm betraying you, you've been there my entire life after all. I'm sorry...

I'm sorry, my precious diary. I love you. But he's more important than you are to me right now. [insert a thousand more "I'm sorry"s]

Please don't ever leave me [insert faggot's name].

____

A diary entry dated 12th February, 2013.

I've been reading my diary from last year, and this one by far seems the most painful. It's made me cry the past few nights, because I never imagined myself to have written all this, to have thought and felt that way.

The whole diary, I was in turmoil. I was caught between my love for writing and my love for the boy. In the end, I chose the boy. I neglected my own passion, my childhood, my life, for the boy.

Where'd that get me? Look at me now: the boy is gone, because he left. I'm stronger than ever, but what's happened to my love for writing?

I can barely write anymore. The last time I wrote, my handwriting turned into shambles in a couple of seconds. My hand shakes at the slightest, when in the past, I used to write everyday and I'd write for hours. I was so in love with writing. I didn't care whether or not people read it.

"Love" is important. But just so you know, the love that's more important is in passion. For our 6th monthsary he'd gotten me a dogtag with passion engraved on it. It was a time to get me back on track, but I overlooked it and my love for the boy grew stronger instead.

"Love" for your passion gets you further than love with anyone. Really, lesson learnt. I've lost my relationship with my best friend; writing; because I chose to sacrifice it for someone who wasn't guaranteed to stay with me forever.

Lesson learnt. Don't lose yourself trying to love someone. Stay true to yourself and always love what you do best. It's the way to keep up with changes and move forward with life.

Because solitude is inevitable. It'll always be the case. You'll be stripped of everyone, and sometimes the only thing there for you is your passion.

____

If you don't understand what I meant by 'caught between writing and a guy', I'll make it easier to understand. Simply put, whenever I wrote down my problems, I'd ended up not talking about them with him, and he'd always felt like I didn't trust him enough, or that I was hiding something. Likewise, if I talked to him about my problems, I'd never write about them. You wouldn't understand, but I had to choose one.

Last night / First day of year 2

It was hard to fall asleep. I did eventually, only a few hours after I put myself to bed. I woke up at around 2:40, because there was a series of loud noises coming from outside my bedroom.

It went like 'pap pap pap pap', and it went on repeatedly until I freaked out after a few minutes. It sounded so much like someone's bare feet running to and fro the hallway.

If you're a faithful reader, you know how much of a coward I really am. [link to an old blog post] So naturally, I started to panic and got really scared. Plus, the writer in me tends to exaggerate the imagination sometimes.

I called my parents on their phones, hoping they'd come in and rescue me. My mom used to do that all the time in the past, when I woke up in the middle of the night. Only this time, she didn't answer my calls. Neither did my dad.

I checked my older brother's Last Seen to see what time he was last awake, and apparently it was about 2 hours before. I straightway knew it wasn't him, and not my parents either. So what on earth was making that sound???

You've no idea how shit scared I was! My parents and brothers room are facing each other, while mine faces the hallway. My normal thoughts were of course, "Whatever it is, it's gonna come for me first." I repeatedly told myself that, and I couldn't help shivering of fear, and crying.

I called my parents again, yet still they did not answer. In the end, my big brother answered his call. I'd woken him up from deep slumber, but boy was I glad.

I straightway told him to come into my room, to fetch me and send me to the master bedroom so I could sleep with my parents. Meanwhile, the "pap pap pap" was getting faster and LOUDER. I was shitting bricks by then. My brother was asking, "Asal eh? Oy, asal eh???" but I couldn't speak.

He finally arrived a minute later, and told me... Mmm, it was my dad sleeping on the couch outside, and he was using a stick to hit his back here and there because he had gotten itches everywhere.

The whole experience was not funny, my being scared was not worth laughing at all. But hey. I laughed anyway because that was the most stupid thing that I'd been ever paranoid about.

____

First day of school was fine. I'm a year 2 student now! My first day of year 1 feels like decades ago, somehow. So many things have happened since then.

I walked into school feeling high and mighty as fuck. I literally held my head up high, and walked with a sway. Honestly, as much as I love laughing at the bimbos on America's Next Top Model, the shows actually taught me how to walk properly.

Now I no longer look on the floor. And I felt more confident. My knees were shaking, because I've never walked with such strut before, but I just pushed the thoughts aside and tried to look natural.

Don't know, maybe to others I'd have looked scared or something, but I think I did good from the bus stop to class. Proud of myself for finally not letting the hair cover my face by looking at my feet.

My classmates are fine I guess, though as I'd suspected, most of them already knew each other. Plus, on the name list, there was an asterisk next to my name, and the bottom of the page said that names with asterisks are those 'taken from other classes'.

In short, the people from this class I was put into for Induction Programme aren't my future classmates after all. Honestly, the reason why I'd turned up was because I thought they were my classmates-to-be. How dashed my hopes were.

There's this guy with nice anime hair [that's what I call haircuts that're brown, thick, and have that certain shape] but he was so socially awkward, I could see it from far. I tried talking to him during groupwork but he didn't answer or look at me, just continued writing.

So Shi Hui and I made a fool out of ourselves when we were buying our notes. Jokes of the day, oh my gosh. But only the two of us can really get it and laugh about today XD

Am looking forward to how the school days would be like from now on, considering the fact that so much has changed since then. Thinking positive always.

Where am I going

Just thought that it's been a while since I blogged about something simple, like a little update or whatever. Since I'm rotting in bed, we might as well.

I've been in bed for 24 hours. Yes. I don't recall the last time my feet touched the floor. Okay maybe that's exaggerating a little but really. My little brother has been my servant all morning :3

School starts in two days. Definitely not looking forward, if you know me. I no longer have my lovely Shi Hui with me for my classes, and now I'm officially alone. Dreading going for DAELN classes on my own. ...Yep, I'm retaking that module.

What's more, I'm pretty sure everyone in my classes will already know each other. Pretty sure I'm gonna be the new girl again, shunned by all of them because they're already in their own cliques. Only this time I don't have Shi Hui to suffer with. And she doesn't have me either.

Look on the bright side... Hmm. Just stared at the screen for a minute, wondering what's the bright side. I wonder what kind of videos I can make throughout my days in school though. I can't help wondering that.

I feel like I haven't been writing as much as before. I feel like I've become somewhat more shallow, that my writing is becoming nothing again. It sucks that while others are insecure about how they look, I'm insecure about what I do.

There's never an end to thinking that my best is never enough. I know my blog is nothing much, my videos aren't entertaining, but *throws hands into the air in frustration* why do I not get praised for anything I do?

If you've been reading my blog since last year, I'm very sure you know that this isn't my first time being frustrated about this.

But I think I've changed since then. I've gone through a bad break-up, one that none of us expected, I've gone through that whole I don't know which one is home episode. Can I get some spotlight on me this time?

I can't sleep alone

I miss my grandmother and the cats.

I miss Paya Lebar. I like everything about it. I've gotten used to the ringing of the bells on the cats' collars. I've gotten used to staying home all day just reading. I've gotten used to my grandmother's nagging and her stories. I've gotten used to being forced to sleep every night.

Here at Pasir Ris, everything is different of course. The only cats here are the ones at the coffeeshop, and the neighbour's which could only occasionally visit. Here, I'm out everytime nobody else is home. Here, nobody nags at me properly. Here, I stay up all night every night.

I told myself to be strong and I did it. But guess what? I still have a weakness. And it sucks.

I've repeatedly reminded myself, "Love over fear", because it was the only way to make me go to sleep. My dreams make good stories; the more horrible they are, the more they actually mean to me. And you know me, I'd love to have a good story from my dreams.

School holidays are a good chance to avoid bad dreams. I needed a break, because when there's school, I'm forced to sleep early, and I'm vulnerable to the dreams that way. They make me tired, they mess with my head because of the inflicted emotions.

Even during holidays, at Paya Lebar, I know my grandmother wouldn't allow me to sleep late. I wouldn't mind that because when I have bad dreams, I'd wake up to see that she's there with me.

It's not the same here. I have my own bedroom. I don't want my parents to think I'm still a kid. Like hey, I survived a year without you guys. I'm stronger than you think.

I tried. I tried to have a night alone, but it still scares me. Before I left Pasir Ris in 2012, the dreams weren't as bad as they are now. Possibly because I've seen a lot more since then.

I know it's stupid that I'm actually letting dreams control me, but really. You should see how they really look like, in the dead of the night, in my head. It's far worse than emotions.

If you read my blog posts from before... I can especially never forget the feel of the gap at the back of my head. The way I could pry my skull open just by using my fingers. The sticky texture of my blood, on my fingers and running down my face. The way I looked in the mirror. [link]

There are a dozen others of course, most of which I never blogged about because they were too short. But trust me, they're dang memorable in the harsh way. Little moments here and there that were scary or violent enough to be etched into your brain.

Honestly, I'm most scared of the 3 a.m. hour. If I'm sleeping alone, I'll make sure I'm not asleep within this time frame, because I wouldn't be able to handle it on my own. The safest time to sleep is at 4.30 in the morning. Just because.

I know. It's weird to be in the control of my dreams. It's weird, and unbelievable. But I was tired of the dreams. I dream of ghosts that went up my skirt and into me, of classmates being buried alive and trapped under boulders, of children being slaughtered, of my grandmother being thrown a distance by a truck.

I remember all these and more. Dreams aren't easy to forget. People say it's cool, that I remember my dreams, when in actual fact there's nothing cool about it.

I've gotten tired of them. They eat away at me, long after I've woken up. Even if they were normal, without violence or creepy shit, they linger. They make me think of people I've forgotten, they make me wonder if these people are safe. They're that controlling of me.

Yeah. The dreams I have at night have always been my weakness.

I'm dreading school not only because of the fact that I've no friends now, but also because I'll be forced to go to sleep every night in order to be able to wake up the next morning. Not looking forward to it at all.

And you know what? The harder I try to fight this, the stronger they seem to become. Naps at 1 in the afternoon have always been peaceful, but lately they creep up to me at these times too, in broad daylight. I don't like it.

There's more to this. But I don't want to show anymore weakness than I should have.

Pains of recording photographs

If you're viewing this on your phone, it may or may not be cut out, but click on it and it'll be fine.

I went out filming again today. This time, with no companions and just around my very own hometown, the place I grew up in.

Alright, to be exact, I only went around Pasir Ris Park. I thought of going to a carpark rooftop where Siying and I used to hang out a lot on, or maybe the part of the park where the girls and I celebrated birthdays by having water fights.

But of course, since I was out alone, I wasn't very disciplined in leaving early, and I lost a lot of time. I didn't want to record in the dark, so I just did everything in one place.

Recently, a friend of mine told me he always thinks of the 'Behind The Scenes' of my videos. He said that while watching my comeback video, [Three houses. Two weeks. One girl.] he imagined what was going on behind the camera. What posture was I in, what was on my mind.

So I decided, why not blog about the behind the scenes of my latest video? Take note, it may turn into a blog post full of complains because this video had the toughest and most irritating recording session ever XD

Alright, so the idea came from the many photographs I found here at my Pasir Ris house. I've written many diaries since my secondary school days, and the 2009 and 2010 ones especially were filled with lots of photos. Most of them are random as hell, majority being badly taken selfies.

I decided to bring these photos out for a walk, on a peaceful Tuesday afternoon. [alright, it'd looked like it could rain anytime soon, that I can't deny]

Here come the complains.

First up. The photos with the waves as the background weren't so bad, apart from the strong wind that was threatening to snatch the photos off my hands. The camera isn't that light either, and I had to struggle with both my hands. I really didn't want the footage to be shaky.

Secondly, the photos that lay on the rock. The winds were still strong, and I had to use my phone to hold the photos down. I didn't have anything that would look a lot more pretty for the camera. These weren't that tiring to record.

Third, the photos that lay on the sand. I was wearing black jeans, and I didn't really want to soil them with sand, so I sat on the rock instead. I remember how I sat in an awkward position because I didn't want anything unnecessary to appear in the shot.

Fourth: the photos with rock and sand. I sat in the same place, but I had to bend over to the side in order to record, since the rock was behind me. Gosh, I was squatting at the foot of the rock, and there was this family who kept staring at me because I must have looked weird.

I walked a little, with the intention of recording at the carpark rooftop of Ehub, because the girls and I used to hang out there a lot. I realised I wouldn't be able to reach on time, so I decided to record everything at Pasir Ris Park instead. I just needed some more backgrounds.

So... I used the floor. Yep. I sat cross-legged on the ground, balanced the photos on these metal railings, and recorded away. This one wasn't so bad either, there was not any pain. And, I think the footage looked the nicest in this background, because the photos stood out somehow.

Next, the leaves. Oh... This one was the worst. The leaves were gathered behind the bench, which I sat on and bent forward from in order to record the photos. It was painful, my arms were aching, and people probably thought I was crazy from afar... But hey, I did it.

Last but not least... Oh, definitely not the least. The most pain. I found a tree with little petals all around, and a branch that could support the photos, and it was perfect. But, I had to squat. And, there were literally hundreds of ants walking in a line.

If you look to the left of the last few photos in the video, you can actually see it.

When I was done recording here, I realised I had lots of ant bites all around my body, and little paranoid itches that didn't exist. I was scratching everywhere!!!

I'm done complaining.

Even when I went through all that, it was really fun. Satisfaction is great, when I see how my video turned out. It ain't exactly perfect, but I'm proud of myself for the efforts and the result.

Not afraid of the North anymore

I know it looks cut out if you're viewing this on your phone, but click on it and it works perfectly fine.

Another trip to the North! This time it's with a fellow Heroine whom I call Zimmyzoo. He isn't really a Woodlands resident, but his school is in the same turf so it's about the same. Due to the fact we're not Northerns, we both got lost a few times, yep.

I know a video about Woodlands isn't complete without a trip to the Waterfront. It's alright, you see, the song I used for this video has a 'part 2' to it, so I'll just use the same tactic with my next Woodlands video.

So, there's actually sort of a story during the last 1 minute and a half, or so. The part where I fast forwarded the footage on the expressway, is a way of saying in the future,.... After that's done, you see me alone for the rest of the video.

It may be the first time I'm standing strong on my own, but it definitely won't be the last time, as the lyrics say. "Twenty bucks says you'll remember me", because 'in future', I'll make sure I'm well known for my writing, for my stories, and that I'll bet your ass you'll remember who I am.

And by 'you', I'm really directing this hidden message at someone who threw me away.

Woodlands used to be a scary place because of the memories with that someone. But heck it, it doesn't matter shit anymore. It long stopped mattering. That's when you see me jumping around, turning around and smiling to the camera, because I'm happy now. You see me running, because this loss has given me strength to leave it all behind and start anew.

Because it's my time to shine.

The girl who played with people's dreams

Remember when I told you I cleaned up my room and found a whole bunch of stuff that I'd written over the years? Well... I just found a book that I'd been writing. And by book, I mean an actual progressive story with lots of chapters, which I had thought of as a real physical book. Because I really believed this story would go far.

I've forgotten what I named the series, but each book was titled after the protagonist of that particular book. Each book was in the perspective of a different character in the story, the last one being the villain. I wasn't even done writing the first book, but I already thought of til the sixth!

Alright, my memory is quite vague about this series but how convenient; there's a chart here I did, that explains the concept of the story.

The first book was in the perspective of a girl named Kai Xin, which means happy in Chinese, that's why I named her that. As far as I can tell, she's the one who got the ball rolling; her meeting with a few old friends and strangers was what triggered certain events of the story.

An old friend named Bunny, and a strange girl named Yume, both of whom have the ability to play with people's dreams. For all I remember, Bunny uses this gift to 'matchmake' two people, while it's Yume's job to tear them apart.

Simpler said, if your dreams were caused by Bunny, it means you have to find that other half whom you saw in your dream. If they were however caused by Yume, it means you have to stay away from whoever she put you into the dream with. And the thing is, you have no idea who those dreams were caused by.

Most of the characters who get these dreams are normal people, who are usually already next to the person that they'd dreamt of. Problem is, they never know if they should be together or stay away from each other.

There's this group of 'special' people who also have their own abilities, these boys with strange abilities and equally strange nicknames. Illusion, who could see ghosts; Illustrate, who could see the future; Illuminate, who could see the truth, and the 'leader' of the pack, Infinite, who could simply live forever, finding other people to pass these nicknames and powers to in every generation.

These guys use their gifts to help those normal people find their destiny, for all I know. And also, I vaguely remember Yume being the villain, because she's gone a little mad thanks to her gifts. She couldn't control her ability, and it was eating away at her and whoever whose dreams she'd played with.

What genre is the book eh hmmm. I'd say it's a fair mix of contemporary and... fantasy? Since most of the time it's about friendship and love and betrayal and sacrifice, finding out who you are and what you love, just with the bits of magic and powers and shit being thrown in.

There are 24 chapters written so far for the first one, though I don't know where the first three chapters are. I think I felt like my writing style was too different than in the other chapters and that I'd planned to rewrite them. Still, no traces of those chapters here.

My writing was pretty cheesy back then, but I honestly think the storyline is pretty good. I remember some of the ideas I'd had as a 14-year-old, and I think they'd make a good series if I combine those ideas with a better writing style of my current self.

I just read the last chapter I'd written of book 1, and I must say... That was cheesy as hell. Really. I'd love to share it here, but dang.

The protagonist Kai Xin is left on a long train journey to 'the other side of the country', as everyone kept saying, because the person that she dreamt of had run away and hid there. She sets off to find him, because being with him was the only way to discover who she is.

Cheesy, I know.

Oh the feels to continue writing this series, or rewriting the first book in a more suited writing style.