A diary entry: why passion is important

Solitude kills me.

It was taking away my life, slowly but surely.

The only reason why I called myself the "Solitary Author" was to balance myself. It was not only a reflection of who I was.

Solitary: alone.
Author: writing about everything that's in my presence.

Solitary: sadness.
Author: writing makes me happy.

Solitary: it kills me.
Author: writing is my saviour, and the only thing that keeps me alive.

I told you I'm ugly didn't I? You do know, you've long known, my precious diary. My friendship with you emphasises on my loneliness, yet being with you is the best thing I could ever ask for.

You've been with me for years, and I've always appreciated it. But, my precious diary,... I'm falling in love. At times, I want to be with him more than I want to write in you. I've never felt this way before.

I want to tell him more about myself than share my intimate thoughts with you. I'm sorry, my precious diary, I'm starting to love this guy more than I've always loved you. It explains why I badly didn't want him to leave me alone that night.

I'm sorry, I understand if you think I'm betraying you, you've been there my entire life after all. I'm sorry...

I'm sorry, my precious diary. I love you. But he's more important than you are to me right now. [insert a thousand more "I'm sorry"s]

Please don't ever leave me [insert faggot's name].

____

A diary entry dated 12th February, 2013.

I've been reading my diary from last year, and this one by far seems the most painful. It's made me cry the past few nights, because I never imagined myself to have written all this, to have thought and felt that way.

The whole diary, I was in turmoil. I was caught between my love for writing and my love for the boy. In the end, I chose the boy. I neglected my own passion, my childhood, my life, for the boy.

Where'd that get me? Look at me now: the boy is gone, because he left. I'm stronger than ever, but what's happened to my love for writing?

I can barely write anymore. The last time I wrote, my handwriting turned into shambles in a couple of seconds. My hand shakes at the slightest, when in the past, I used to write everyday and I'd write for hours. I was so in love with writing. I didn't care whether or not people read it.

"Love" is important. But just so you know, the love that's more important is in passion. For our 6th monthsary he'd gotten me a dogtag with passion engraved on it. It was a time to get me back on track, but I overlooked it and my love for the boy grew stronger instead.

"Love" for your passion gets you further than love with anyone. Really, lesson learnt. I've lost my relationship with my best friend; writing; because I chose to sacrifice it for someone who wasn't guaranteed to stay with me forever.

Lesson learnt. Don't lose yourself trying to love someone. Stay true to yourself and always love what you do best. It's the way to keep up with changes and move forward with life.

Because solitude is inevitable. It'll always be the case. You'll be stripped of everyone, and sometimes the only thing there for you is your passion.

____

If you don't understand what I meant by 'caught between writing and a guy', I'll make it easier to understand. Simply put, whenever I wrote down my problems, I'd ended up not talking about them with him, and he'd always felt like I didn't trust him enough, or that I was hiding something. Likewise, if I talked to him about my problems, I'd never write about them. You wouldn't understand, but I had to choose one.