Some things have been on my mind lately. About putting myself in other people's shoes. The past boyfriend said I never understood him, because I'd never thought about his feelings, or about the situation he was in.
Sure, most of the time I was too egoistic, but a few points of our relationship, I swear I'd placed him first without a second thought. Not gonna talk about those moments because they don't matter anymore.
He left, and ever since then I'd changed my way of thinking by placing myself in the shoes of others. Simpler said, I was just looking at myself the way others would, by looking at others through my own eyes.
I tried imagining how others looked at me. They wouldn't care, because I wouldn't care about anybody else. You could try sending some message through your tweets or retweets or favourites or whatever, but truth is, nobody would bother reading between the lines for you. Because would you do that when it comes to somebody else? I don't think so. You'd only react to somebody else's suffering if the fact's thrown right into your face.
Nobody would try to decode your life by reading your tweets, nobody would dig into your Favourites to know what secret message you're trying to convey. Nobody would Google the lyrics of the song you #np just to know how you feel. Nobody would read your blog, and even if they do, they wouldn't really care enough to know you better or to make you feel better.
Nobody would look at you and ever wonder, "Does she ever sit on a bus and cry her eyes out as she looks out the window?", "Is she tired from having two families and two places to call home?", "Does she still feel hurt by the words I just don't love you anymore, even 5 months after a boy said that to her, and 2 years after her own parents said that to her?"
No. Nobody would care to even wonder that. As long as they see that you're fine on the surface, that's it. That's all they see in you. Because come on, that's how you see them.
What am I saying? My point is, knowing others wouldn't care, why should I care about others, really? I'm fine in my own world, because from what I can see, the rest of the world is fine the way they are too. Do I make sense?
I don't trust my life in the hands of another anymore, I don't really care anymore if people leave, I don't bother to know how others are feeling on the inside. I don't want to do things for others anymore, because I'd end up getting hurt. I'd rather hurt others, because this is my life at stake. My feelings. Not theirs.
To know that the nicest person to you was just faking it all along. To know the one whom you called your world already lost his feelings for you just when you were starting to try again. To know the one who gave birth to you thought you were ugly all along and only appreciated your uniqueness when you were gone. To know the one you really like hugged you tight like his world depended on you, only as a friendly gesture. Everyone is selfish, so why can't I be?
I almost gave way to my selflessness earlier by getting this urge to run back to NYP just to accompany a friend of mine. I'm glad I didn't, because this is a new start for me. I don't want to care anymore.
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