Your classmate as an umbilical cord???

Thank you to the boys of his 2013 class, for welcoming me at your school and letting me play soccer with you. To Farhan for making me giggle whenever he bullied the other guys, to Yazid for messaging me asking if I was okay when he saw my tweets, for treating me to Chicken Rice Shop.

Thank you Dina for giving me a nickname the day we first met, which no other people has ever called me before. I'm also sorry for not making it on time to watch your dance performance that night.
Thank you Diyanah for having such a nice and contagious smile, for giving me tweets of encouragement when I was on the slow road of repentance.

Thank you Naqib for your lame jokes which still never failed to make me laugh. For sending me home after I'd gotten freaked out with a horror movie, for telling me that "If it's really your passion, you wouldn't care who reads your blog or not."

Thank you Merlissa for giving me so much advice over the course of our meeting, though I've always been too stubborn to heed. For taking me under your wing the very first day we met, for trusting me enough to confide in me about your own life. For coming down to Woodlands Waterfront and listening to my drunk talk and watching me cry, for being the first person I'd talk to when I have a problem with him. ["Thank you for the smiles of 2013", http://109blackaxesii.blogspot.com/2014/01/thank-you-for-smiles-of-2013.html]

This was written on New Year's Eve, before 2014 started, because in 2013 I'd met these amazing people whom I wanted to thank, for having made me smile and laugh. I'm not sure if they ever read it, but yep.

I didn't have my own tertiary friends, not any that were as close as these people were to the faggot ex. I was jealous of him, but also thankful that he bothered to let me meet them. In fact, when we broke up early 2014, his friends were the first ones there for me. 

Mel watched me cry as always, lectured me and listened to my stubborn and rubbish replies. Invited me to her place, watched Hell's Kitchen or something with me and made me noodles.

Qib came over to Woodlands, made sure I didn't drink anymore, bought me Burger King and listened to my rubbish as well. He even brought me home all the way to Pasir Ris, even though he lived in Yishun.

Zid brought me out for a walk around Pasir Ris, gave me advice and his own opinions about moving on. Diyanah was on my ask.fm, giving me long encouraging paragraphs, reminding me of how much stronger I could be.

It's been a year since I met them all. 26th April 2013 to be exact, if that's the right date. I just remember it's the second Friday of my semester 1, which started on the 15th last April.

I came over for a visit yesterday, after such a long time of not doing so. I used to come over all the time, said hi to everyone, and although I was quiet because I was shy, I always just... embraced being with them. 

I'm still feeling pretty sad at the reactions I got. I looked at one of them, wanting to smile but she looked at me, frowned and glanced off like "Shit, I made eye contact." I've never really talked to her one on one before, but she always seemed nice. It hurt me, really. 

And then Qib was glaring at me, literally. The day he came over to Woodlands was the last time I saw him. I never talked to him after that, except some time ago I texted him asking how was he and that I'd missed him, because we hadn't talked for a while.

He didn't reply that, and just a few days ago I realised he unfollowed me on Twitter. Being unfollowed by a close friend is always a big deal...  I don't understand why he'd avoid/ignore me, because I really don't recall doing anything wrong to him.

I think I came on the wrong day. Or maybe I shouldn't have come at all. I felt so unwelcome. Farhan's answers came out forced when I was asking him how was he, and Mel seemed quite unhappy that I wanted to see her just to say I missed her, because I really did. 

I don't quite understand. Does breaking up with your classmate means I'm no longer friends with you...? I hate being friends with someone only with an umbilical cord, as I call it. Does cutting off the link means you aren't allowed to even say hi to me or something?

I didn't have the balls to give them the brownies after that. I ended up throwing them away, because they turned out bad anyway.

It isn't the first time I've loved a group of friends, only to be given reasons why I shouldn't. There was 5/1 2012, and then there was my semester 1 classmates. "Love for friends" have probably been long crossed off the list of things to love. Friends aren't there forever either.

Or maybe they never saw me as a friend. Maybe I was just "my friend's girlfriend", and just "my friend's ex" now. That's it, nothing more. I actually cried on the way home thinking about it, haha, but it's okay. I gotta deal with it and catch up on life.