Strangled by a spider the size of my face

After two weeks of school, my dreams have been relatively 'normal'.

Okay, there was one where Johore Bahru was all dead and abandoned because it got bombed, and another where we were escaping a giant tornado on a ship, where the people around me were all soulless. And another where I was driving on the wrong side of the expressway, a la Heavy Rain.

Honestly, this is considered early for me to be up on a weekend. But that's because I'd woken up from one hell of a dream. I can still feel it all over my face.

It starts out with a narrative; a voice is saying, "I was forced to do homework, because this teacher had a reputation for giving us assignments that would fill to the brim of the cup."

The person I am in the dream [pretty sure it isn't myself] graduated from high school and moved out, and the dream fast forwarded to years later, or maybe I just forgot what happened in between.

I'm back at the house I was in at the beginning, and this time, a little boy is in my place. By the desk, slumped over with a pen in hand and papers beneath his cheek. Exactly my position at the start of the dream.

A spider sits beside him. Just the normal house spiders you'd see, the ones with super thin legs that look literally just like lines. You know? Except this spider is the size of your face. And it's talking.

It looks like it's  manipulating the little boy, who is apparently my little brother in the dream. The narrator says again, "She watched him take her place, watched in horror because she knows how [insert a teacher's name which I didn't get] had a reputation for giving assignments that filled to the brim of the cup."

The spider is babbling some motivational shit to the boy, but when he remains slumped, it brings him over to me. The boy follows, and I can see how tired and dead his face is.

Before I can question what it intends to do, the spider throws itself onto my face. I try to scream, but it wraps half its legs across my throat. I reach for its body, trying to pull it off my face, but the harder I pull, the more it strangles me. There's also a burning sensation on my hand whenever I make contact with its body.

As if that isn't disgusting enough, the spider says to the boy: "You have to be able to do this in order to study...." it has a draggy, raspy voice, gosh. And it wraps more legs around the back of my head, and inserts them into my ear.

I'm really struggling to get it off at this point, but I can't bear how it's strangling me. The front of my neck has always been my most sensitive spot; could never sit properly during a haircut because I was always tugging the drape away from my neck.

The spider's legs are all over me by now; strangling me, cleaning out my ears, and it's even saying, "You have to insert from here, and go through, and come out from the other ear....." I can't scream, but my heart's beating fast while I shake my head violently.

One more shake of my head, and BAM. I woke up. And I could still feel the tingling on the side of my face and in my ear, and around my neck.

I swear I've not been thinking of spiders, what the hell. Maybe it's because you guys have been so obsessed with The Amazing Spider-Man 2, ugh. Thanks a lot guys.

Life lessons from video games

The other day, my good friend from Heroine and I were talking about video games. How he couldn't decide between taking the bus or MRT home, and that he'd better make his choice before the buttons fade from the screen.

In a way, it was as if it's saying that you should learn how to make decisions for yourself, and not let others decide your path in life. We all know how sad Eevees are; sure, it's cool how they can evolve into lots of different Eeveelutions, but does it really decide for itself? Nope, its trainer does.

My friend and I came to the conclusion that Heavy Rain is probably the most inspirational game ever. If you've never seen Pewdie play it, it's a game whereby you get to play as 4 characters, and the story changes by the decisions you make and if a character dies.

In the Walking Dead game, some decisions are very important to make too, because such a tiny choice made can leave a huge impact on the game.

But in Heavy Rain, and sometimes in other games too, it ain't just about decisions. It's about actions too. If you don't hit the right buttons on time, or swipe here properly, to dodge the enemy and shit, then your character dies, BAM! the story changes.

Sure, you may make the right decisions half the time but what good are they if you don't take the proper step to fulfilling them?

Just a short post, because my next class is starting soon. I've been listening and paying attention, and doing my work, aren't you so proud of me! I just hope this attitude is maintained through out the semester. I ain't got no faggot to be dumped by this time anyway.

Your classmate as an umbilical cord???

Thank you to the boys of his 2013 class, for welcoming me at your school and letting me play soccer with you. To Farhan for making me giggle whenever he bullied the other guys, to Yazid for messaging me asking if I was okay when he saw my tweets, for treating me to Chicken Rice Shop.

Thank you Dina for giving me a nickname the day we first met, which no other people has ever called me before. I'm also sorry for not making it on time to watch your dance performance that night.
Thank you Diyanah for having such a nice and contagious smile, for giving me tweets of encouragement when I was on the slow road of repentance.

Thank you Naqib for your lame jokes which still never failed to make me laugh. For sending me home after I'd gotten freaked out with a horror movie, for telling me that "If it's really your passion, you wouldn't care who reads your blog or not."

Thank you Merlissa for giving me so much advice over the course of our meeting, though I've always been too stubborn to heed. For taking me under your wing the very first day we met, for trusting me enough to confide in me about your own life. For coming down to Woodlands Waterfront and listening to my drunk talk and watching me cry, for being the first person I'd talk to when I have a problem with him. ["Thank you for the smiles of 2013", http://109blackaxesii.blogspot.com/2014/01/thank-you-for-smiles-of-2013.html]

This was written on New Year's Eve, before 2014 started, because in 2013 I'd met these amazing people whom I wanted to thank, for having made me smile and laugh. I'm not sure if they ever read it, but yep.

I didn't have my own tertiary friends, not any that were as close as these people were to the faggot ex. I was jealous of him, but also thankful that he bothered to let me meet them. In fact, when we broke up early 2014, his friends were the first ones there for me. 

Mel watched me cry as always, lectured me and listened to my stubborn and rubbish replies. Invited me to her place, watched Hell's Kitchen or something with me and made me noodles.

Qib came over to Woodlands, made sure I didn't drink anymore, bought me Burger King and listened to my rubbish as well. He even brought me home all the way to Pasir Ris, even though he lived in Yishun.

Zid brought me out for a walk around Pasir Ris, gave me advice and his own opinions about moving on. Diyanah was on my ask.fm, giving me long encouraging paragraphs, reminding me of how much stronger I could be.

It's been a year since I met them all. 26th April 2013 to be exact, if that's the right date. I just remember it's the second Friday of my semester 1, which started on the 15th last April.

I came over for a visit yesterday, after such a long time of not doing so. I used to come over all the time, said hi to everyone, and although I was quiet because I was shy, I always just... embraced being with them. 

I'm still feeling pretty sad at the reactions I got. I looked at one of them, wanting to smile but she looked at me, frowned and glanced off like "Shit, I made eye contact." I've never really talked to her one on one before, but she always seemed nice. It hurt me, really. 

And then Qib was glaring at me, literally. The day he came over to Woodlands was the last time I saw him. I never talked to him after that, except some time ago I texted him asking how was he and that I'd missed him, because we hadn't talked for a while.

He didn't reply that, and just a few days ago I realised he unfollowed me on Twitter. Being unfollowed by a close friend is always a big deal...  I don't understand why he'd avoid/ignore me, because I really don't recall doing anything wrong to him.

I think I came on the wrong day. Or maybe I shouldn't have come at all. I felt so unwelcome. Farhan's answers came out forced when I was asking him how was he, and Mel seemed quite unhappy that I wanted to see her just to say I missed her, because I really did. 

I don't quite understand. Does breaking up with your classmate means I'm no longer friends with you...? I hate being friends with someone only with an umbilical cord, as I call it. Does cutting off the link means you aren't allowed to even say hi to me or something?

I didn't have the balls to give them the brownies after that. I ended up throwing them away, because they turned out bad anyway.

It isn't the first time I've loved a group of friends, only to be given reasons why I shouldn't. There was 5/1 2012, and then there was my semester 1 classmates. "Love for friends" have probably been long crossed off the list of things to love. Friends aren't there forever either.

Or maybe they never saw me as a friend. Maybe I was just "my friend's girlfriend", and just "my friend's ex" now. That's it, nothing more. I actually cried on the way home thinking about it, haha, but it's okay. I gotta deal with it and catch up on life.

Back together with writing

So! Today was officially the start of classes. Just like last semester, my first day happened to be the shortest day; I only had class from 9-12 today {: I'd say what this module is but you'd fall asleep halfway through its name.

Lucky for me, today's class is with Shi Hui, so I waited for her before heading on to class, despite both of us being half an hour late. This class wasn't that bad, well there weren't many people to begin with. All the first day fears of being buried by a thousand eyes just vanished.

I had lunch with Shi Hui and Loy at the poolside canteen, where I'd bumped into a few other coursemates. It was nice seeing Hadi, I don't know why! Probably because he's always been the one from 1A1 to encourage me and support me out of the blue.

Everyone had class afterward, while I already didn't have any, so I headed up to the library to do some writing. It'd been a while since I last caught up with my diary, so we decided to make some sweet, sweet love.

I'm so proud of myself for realising how important I am, compared to some guy I met barely over a year ago. For realising how I'd made a wrong choice by choosing to love him more than what I loved to do since childhood. [link to a blog post in case you are confused]

I listened to the songs which used to remind me of him, songs which I refused to listen after the break-up because they made me remember his smile, songs which hit the nail on the head regarding having lost a loved one. I hated those songs, but today, I listened to them, and the sadness was what drove me to keep writing.

He used to reprimand me for my anger management issues. And, looking at both my parents, I was pretty sure I did have those problems. But hey, I got to the bottom of my life, yet here I am, not angry anymore. I think I've overcome my grudges.

I'd said this so many times, really. I've changed from last year. I no longer hold grudges, and I'm no longer angry.

Okay maybe Express Files isn't the only useful thing he left behind. He left behind a whole truckload of my energy and my courage and my strength, which I'd been able to pick up easily and use for my own life. So thank you, you idiotic worthless scumbag of a faggot ex.

Bottom line is, I can write again! My hand does get a little shaky after a while, but I'll take a few deep breaths and I can go on again. At the end of it, I'd managed to write 4 pages in an hour, which is a big deal to me, though it is nothing compared to the past, before 2013.

But it's a start. A rebirth.

I love writing, and I always will. I've grown stronger, and I always will.

A diary entry: why passion is important

Solitude kills me.

It was taking away my life, slowly but surely.

The only reason why I called myself the "Solitary Author" was to balance myself. It was not only a reflection of who I was.

Solitary: alone.
Author: writing about everything that's in my presence.

Solitary: sadness.
Author: writing makes me happy.

Solitary: it kills me.
Author: writing is my saviour, and the only thing that keeps me alive.

I told you I'm ugly didn't I? You do know, you've long known, my precious diary. My friendship with you emphasises on my loneliness, yet being with you is the best thing I could ever ask for.

You've been with me for years, and I've always appreciated it. But, my precious diary,... I'm falling in love. At times, I want to be with him more than I want to write in you. I've never felt this way before.

I want to tell him more about myself than share my intimate thoughts with you. I'm sorry, my precious diary, I'm starting to love this guy more than I've always loved you. It explains why I badly didn't want him to leave me alone that night.

I'm sorry, I understand if you think I'm betraying you, you've been there my entire life after all. I'm sorry...

I'm sorry, my precious diary. I love you. But he's more important than you are to me right now. [insert a thousand more "I'm sorry"s]

Please don't ever leave me [insert faggot's name].

____

A diary entry dated 12th February, 2013.

I've been reading my diary from last year, and this one by far seems the most painful. It's made me cry the past few nights, because I never imagined myself to have written all this, to have thought and felt that way.

The whole diary, I was in turmoil. I was caught between my love for writing and my love for the boy. In the end, I chose the boy. I neglected my own passion, my childhood, my life, for the boy.

Where'd that get me? Look at me now: the boy is gone, because he left. I'm stronger than ever, but what's happened to my love for writing?

I can barely write anymore. The last time I wrote, my handwriting turned into shambles in a couple of seconds. My hand shakes at the slightest, when in the past, I used to write everyday and I'd write for hours. I was so in love with writing. I didn't care whether or not people read it.

"Love" is important. But just so you know, the love that's more important is in passion. For our 6th monthsary he'd gotten me a dogtag with passion engraved on it. It was a time to get me back on track, but I overlooked it and my love for the boy grew stronger instead.

"Love" for your passion gets you further than love with anyone. Really, lesson learnt. I've lost my relationship with my best friend; writing; because I chose to sacrifice it for someone who wasn't guaranteed to stay with me forever.

Lesson learnt. Don't lose yourself trying to love someone. Stay true to yourself and always love what you do best. It's the way to keep up with changes and move forward with life.

Because solitude is inevitable. It'll always be the case. You'll be stripped of everyone, and sometimes the only thing there for you is your passion.

____

If you don't understand what I meant by 'caught between writing and a guy', I'll make it easier to understand. Simply put, whenever I wrote down my problems, I'd ended up not talking about them with him, and he'd always felt like I didn't trust him enough, or that I was hiding something. Likewise, if I talked to him about my problems, I'd never write about them. You wouldn't understand, but I had to choose one.

Last night / First day of year 2

It was hard to fall asleep. I did eventually, only a few hours after I put myself to bed. I woke up at around 2:40, because there was a series of loud noises coming from outside my bedroom.

It went like 'pap pap pap pap', and it went on repeatedly until I freaked out after a few minutes. It sounded so much like someone's bare feet running to and fro the hallway.

If you're a faithful reader, you know how much of a coward I really am. [link to an old blog post] So naturally, I started to panic and got really scared. Plus, the writer in me tends to exaggerate the imagination sometimes.

I called my parents on their phones, hoping they'd come in and rescue me. My mom used to do that all the time in the past, when I woke up in the middle of the night. Only this time, she didn't answer my calls. Neither did my dad.

I checked my older brother's Last Seen to see what time he was last awake, and apparently it was about 2 hours before. I straightway knew it wasn't him, and not my parents either. So what on earth was making that sound???

You've no idea how shit scared I was! My parents and brothers room are facing each other, while mine faces the hallway. My normal thoughts were of course, "Whatever it is, it's gonna come for me first." I repeatedly told myself that, and I couldn't help shivering of fear, and crying.

I called my parents again, yet still they did not answer. In the end, my big brother answered his call. I'd woken him up from deep slumber, but boy was I glad.

I straightway told him to come into my room, to fetch me and send me to the master bedroom so I could sleep with my parents. Meanwhile, the "pap pap pap" was getting faster and LOUDER. I was shitting bricks by then. My brother was asking, "Asal eh? Oy, asal eh???" but I couldn't speak.

He finally arrived a minute later, and told me... Mmm, it was my dad sleeping on the couch outside, and he was using a stick to hit his back here and there because he had gotten itches everywhere.

The whole experience was not funny, my being scared was not worth laughing at all. But hey. I laughed anyway because that was the most stupid thing that I'd been ever paranoid about.

____

First day of school was fine. I'm a year 2 student now! My first day of year 1 feels like decades ago, somehow. So many things have happened since then.

I walked into school feeling high and mighty as fuck. I literally held my head up high, and walked with a sway. Honestly, as much as I love laughing at the bimbos on America's Next Top Model, the shows actually taught me how to walk properly.

Now I no longer look on the floor. And I felt more confident. My knees were shaking, because I've never walked with such strut before, but I just pushed the thoughts aside and tried to look natural.

Don't know, maybe to others I'd have looked scared or something, but I think I did good from the bus stop to class. Proud of myself for finally not letting the hair cover my face by looking at my feet.

My classmates are fine I guess, though as I'd suspected, most of them already knew each other. Plus, on the name list, there was an asterisk next to my name, and the bottom of the page said that names with asterisks are those 'taken from other classes'.

In short, the people from this class I was put into for Induction Programme aren't my future classmates after all. Honestly, the reason why I'd turned up was because I thought they were my classmates-to-be. How dashed my hopes were.

There's this guy with nice anime hair [that's what I call haircuts that're brown, thick, and have that certain shape] but he was so socially awkward, I could see it from far. I tried talking to him during groupwork but he didn't answer or look at me, just continued writing.

So Shi Hui and I made a fool out of ourselves when we were buying our notes. Jokes of the day, oh my gosh. But only the two of us can really get it and laugh about today XD

Am looking forward to how the school days would be like from now on, considering the fact that so much has changed since then. Thinking positive always.

Where am I going

Just thought that it's been a while since I blogged about something simple, like a little update or whatever. Since I'm rotting in bed, we might as well.

I've been in bed for 24 hours. Yes. I don't recall the last time my feet touched the floor. Okay maybe that's exaggerating a little but really. My little brother has been my servant all morning :3

School starts in two days. Definitely not looking forward, if you know me. I no longer have my lovely Shi Hui with me for my classes, and now I'm officially alone. Dreading going for DAELN classes on my own. ...Yep, I'm retaking that module.

What's more, I'm pretty sure everyone in my classes will already know each other. Pretty sure I'm gonna be the new girl again, shunned by all of them because they're already in their own cliques. Only this time I don't have Shi Hui to suffer with. And she doesn't have me either.

Look on the bright side... Hmm. Just stared at the screen for a minute, wondering what's the bright side. I wonder what kind of videos I can make throughout my days in school though. I can't help wondering that.

I feel like I haven't been writing as much as before. I feel like I've become somewhat more shallow, that my writing is becoming nothing again. It sucks that while others are insecure about how they look, I'm insecure about what I do.

There's never an end to thinking that my best is never enough. I know my blog is nothing much, my videos aren't entertaining, but *throws hands into the air in frustration* why do I not get praised for anything I do?

If you've been reading my blog since last year, I'm very sure you know that this isn't my first time being frustrated about this.

But I think I've changed since then. I've gone through a bad break-up, one that none of us expected, I've gone through that whole I don't know which one is home episode. Can I get some spotlight on me this time?

I can't sleep alone

I miss my grandmother and the cats.

I miss Paya Lebar. I like everything about it. I've gotten used to the ringing of the bells on the cats' collars. I've gotten used to staying home all day just reading. I've gotten used to my grandmother's nagging and her stories. I've gotten used to being forced to sleep every night.

Here at Pasir Ris, everything is different of course. The only cats here are the ones at the coffeeshop, and the neighbour's which could only occasionally visit. Here, I'm out everytime nobody else is home. Here, nobody nags at me properly. Here, I stay up all night every night.

I told myself to be strong and I did it. But guess what? I still have a weakness. And it sucks.

I've repeatedly reminded myself, "Love over fear", because it was the only way to make me go to sleep. My dreams make good stories; the more horrible they are, the more they actually mean to me. And you know me, I'd love to have a good story from my dreams.

School holidays are a good chance to avoid bad dreams. I needed a break, because when there's school, I'm forced to sleep early, and I'm vulnerable to the dreams that way. They make me tired, they mess with my head because of the inflicted emotions.

Even during holidays, at Paya Lebar, I know my grandmother wouldn't allow me to sleep late. I wouldn't mind that because when I have bad dreams, I'd wake up to see that she's there with me.

It's not the same here. I have my own bedroom. I don't want my parents to think I'm still a kid. Like hey, I survived a year without you guys. I'm stronger than you think.

I tried. I tried to have a night alone, but it still scares me. Before I left Pasir Ris in 2012, the dreams weren't as bad as they are now. Possibly because I've seen a lot more since then.

I know it's stupid that I'm actually letting dreams control me, but really. You should see how they really look like, in the dead of the night, in my head. It's far worse than emotions.

If you read my blog posts from before... I can especially never forget the feel of the gap at the back of my head. The way I could pry my skull open just by using my fingers. The sticky texture of my blood, on my fingers and running down my face. The way I looked in the mirror. [link]

There are a dozen others of course, most of which I never blogged about because they were too short. But trust me, they're dang memorable in the harsh way. Little moments here and there that were scary or violent enough to be etched into your brain.

Honestly, I'm most scared of the 3 a.m. hour. If I'm sleeping alone, I'll make sure I'm not asleep within this time frame, because I wouldn't be able to handle it on my own. The safest time to sleep is at 4.30 in the morning. Just because.

I know. It's weird to be in the control of my dreams. It's weird, and unbelievable. But I was tired of the dreams. I dream of ghosts that went up my skirt and into me, of classmates being buried alive and trapped under boulders, of children being slaughtered, of my grandmother being thrown a distance by a truck.

I remember all these and more. Dreams aren't easy to forget. People say it's cool, that I remember my dreams, when in actual fact there's nothing cool about it.

I've gotten tired of them. They eat away at me, long after I've woken up. Even if they were normal, without violence or creepy shit, they linger. They make me think of people I've forgotten, they make me wonder if these people are safe. They're that controlling of me.

Yeah. The dreams I have at night have always been my weakness.

I'm dreading school not only because of the fact that I've no friends now, but also because I'll be forced to go to sleep every night in order to be able to wake up the next morning. Not looking forward to it at all.

And you know what? The harder I try to fight this, the stronger they seem to become. Naps at 1 in the afternoon have always been peaceful, but lately they creep up to me at these times too, in broad daylight. I don't like it.

There's more to this. But I don't want to show anymore weakness than I should have.

Pains of recording photographs

If you're viewing this on your phone, it may or may not be cut out, but click on it and it'll be fine.

I went out filming again today. This time, with no companions and just around my very own hometown, the place I grew up in.

Alright, to be exact, I only went around Pasir Ris Park. I thought of going to a carpark rooftop where Siying and I used to hang out a lot on, or maybe the part of the park where the girls and I celebrated birthdays by having water fights.

But of course, since I was out alone, I wasn't very disciplined in leaving early, and I lost a lot of time. I didn't want to record in the dark, so I just did everything in one place.

Recently, a friend of mine told me he always thinks of the 'Behind The Scenes' of my videos. He said that while watching my comeback video, [Three houses. Two weeks. One girl.] he imagined what was going on behind the camera. What posture was I in, what was on my mind.

So I decided, why not blog about the behind the scenes of my latest video? Take note, it may turn into a blog post full of complains because this video had the toughest and most irritating recording session ever XD

Alright, so the idea came from the many photographs I found here at my Pasir Ris house. I've written many diaries since my secondary school days, and the 2009 and 2010 ones especially were filled with lots of photos. Most of them are random as hell, majority being badly taken selfies.

I decided to bring these photos out for a walk, on a peaceful Tuesday afternoon. [alright, it'd looked like it could rain anytime soon, that I can't deny]

Here come the complains.

First up. The photos with the waves as the background weren't so bad, apart from the strong wind that was threatening to snatch the photos off my hands. The camera isn't that light either, and I had to struggle with both my hands. I really didn't want the footage to be shaky.

Secondly, the photos that lay on the rock. The winds were still strong, and I had to use my phone to hold the photos down. I didn't have anything that would look a lot more pretty for the camera. These weren't that tiring to record.

Third, the photos that lay on the sand. I was wearing black jeans, and I didn't really want to soil them with sand, so I sat on the rock instead. I remember how I sat in an awkward position because I didn't want anything unnecessary to appear in the shot.

Fourth: the photos with rock and sand. I sat in the same place, but I had to bend over to the side in order to record, since the rock was behind me. Gosh, I was squatting at the foot of the rock, and there was this family who kept staring at me because I must have looked weird.

I walked a little, with the intention of recording at the carpark rooftop of Ehub, because the girls and I used to hang out there a lot. I realised I wouldn't be able to reach on time, so I decided to record everything at Pasir Ris Park instead. I just needed some more backgrounds.

So... I used the floor. Yep. I sat cross-legged on the ground, balanced the photos on these metal railings, and recorded away. This one wasn't so bad either, there was not any pain. And, I think the footage looked the nicest in this background, because the photos stood out somehow.

Next, the leaves. Oh... This one was the worst. The leaves were gathered behind the bench, which I sat on and bent forward from in order to record the photos. It was painful, my arms were aching, and people probably thought I was crazy from afar... But hey, I did it.

Last but not least... Oh, definitely not the least. The most pain. I found a tree with little petals all around, and a branch that could support the photos, and it was perfect. But, I had to squat. And, there were literally hundreds of ants walking in a line.

If you look to the left of the last few photos in the video, you can actually see it.

When I was done recording here, I realised I had lots of ant bites all around my body, and little paranoid itches that didn't exist. I was scratching everywhere!!!

I'm done complaining.

Even when I went through all that, it was really fun. Satisfaction is great, when I see how my video turned out. It ain't exactly perfect, but I'm proud of myself for the efforts and the result.

Not afraid of the North anymore

I know it looks cut out if you're viewing this on your phone, but click on it and it works perfectly fine.

Another trip to the North! This time it's with a fellow Heroine whom I call Zimmyzoo. He isn't really a Woodlands resident, but his school is in the same turf so it's about the same. Due to the fact we're not Northerns, we both got lost a few times, yep.

I know a video about Woodlands isn't complete without a trip to the Waterfront. It's alright, you see, the song I used for this video has a 'part 2' to it, so I'll just use the same tactic with my next Woodlands video.

So, there's actually sort of a story during the last 1 minute and a half, or so. The part where I fast forwarded the footage on the expressway, is a way of saying in the future,.... After that's done, you see me alone for the rest of the video.

It may be the first time I'm standing strong on my own, but it definitely won't be the last time, as the lyrics say. "Twenty bucks says you'll remember me", because 'in future', I'll make sure I'm well known for my writing, for my stories, and that I'll bet your ass you'll remember who I am.

And by 'you', I'm really directing this hidden message at someone who threw me away.

Woodlands used to be a scary place because of the memories with that someone. But heck it, it doesn't matter shit anymore. It long stopped mattering. That's when you see me jumping around, turning around and smiling to the camera, because I'm happy now. You see me running, because this loss has given me strength to leave it all behind and start anew.

Because it's my time to shine.

The girl who played with people's dreams

Remember when I told you I cleaned up my room and found a whole bunch of stuff that I'd written over the years? Well... I just found a book that I'd been writing. And by book, I mean an actual progressive story with lots of chapters, which I had thought of as a real physical book. Because I really believed this story would go far.

I've forgotten what I named the series, but each book was titled after the protagonist of that particular book. Each book was in the perspective of a different character in the story, the last one being the villain. I wasn't even done writing the first book, but I already thought of til the sixth!

Alright, my memory is quite vague about this series but how convenient; there's a chart here I did, that explains the concept of the story.

The first book was in the perspective of a girl named Kai Xin, which means happy in Chinese, that's why I named her that. As far as I can tell, she's the one who got the ball rolling; her meeting with a few old friends and strangers was what triggered certain events of the story.

An old friend named Bunny, and a strange girl named Yume, both of whom have the ability to play with people's dreams. For all I remember, Bunny uses this gift to 'matchmake' two people, while it's Yume's job to tear them apart.

Simpler said, if your dreams were caused by Bunny, it means you have to find that other half whom you saw in your dream. If they were however caused by Yume, it means you have to stay away from whoever she put you into the dream with. And the thing is, you have no idea who those dreams were caused by.

Most of the characters who get these dreams are normal people, who are usually already next to the person that they'd dreamt of. Problem is, they never know if they should be together or stay away from each other.

There's this group of 'special' people who also have their own abilities, these boys with strange abilities and equally strange nicknames. Illusion, who could see ghosts; Illustrate, who could see the future; Illuminate, who could see the truth, and the 'leader' of the pack, Infinite, who could simply live forever, finding other people to pass these nicknames and powers to in every generation.

These guys use their gifts to help those normal people find their destiny, for all I know. And also, I vaguely remember Yume being the villain, because she's gone a little mad thanks to her gifts. She couldn't control her ability, and it was eating away at her and whoever whose dreams she'd played with.

What genre is the book eh hmmm. I'd say it's a fair mix of contemporary and... fantasy? Since most of the time it's about friendship and love and betrayal and sacrifice, finding out who you are and what you love, just with the bits of magic and powers and shit being thrown in.

There are 24 chapters written so far for the first one, though I don't know where the first three chapters are. I think I felt like my writing style was too different than in the other chapters and that I'd planned to rewrite them. Still, no traces of those chapters here.

My writing was pretty cheesy back then, but I honestly think the storyline is pretty good. I remember some of the ideas I'd had as a 14-year-old, and I think they'd make a good series if I combine those ideas with a better writing style of my current self.

I just read the last chapter I'd written of book 1, and I must say... That was cheesy as hell. Really. I'd love to share it here, but dang.

The protagonist Kai Xin is left on a long train journey to 'the other side of the country', as everyone kept saying, because the person that she dreamt of had run away and hid there. She sets off to find him, because being with him was the only way to discover who she is.

Cheesy, I know.

Oh the feels to continue writing this series, or rewriting the first book in a more suited writing style.

A little anger over uhm desks

I think I just riled myself up for something trivial.

So here's the deal. As you know, I've returned to Pasir Ris after like a year or so of being away. Every furniture was in the same position, except that some things were neater and some were messier.

Ok, so my parents apparently cleaned up my shelves a bit. When I returned, there were only the few books I had [I didn't have many books because I usually borrowed them from the library] and the diaries I'd written since secondary school on my desk.

A sad fact: I'd been collecting dozens of mangas since primary school, which I later found out my dad had thrown out because 'there were just too many'. Thus, there was a lot of space on my desk compared to when I'd left.

So I moved back, and also transferred most of the books I had at Paya Lebar to the new space on my desk. I can't describe how happy and excited I am to see my books on shelves! Back at Paya Lebar, all they've ever sat in were dusty shoeboxes. They deserved better.

Okay. A few days back I did a little spring cleaning on my part, cleaning whatever I could. Which was basically my shelf, my drawers, and this little segment on my cupboard. Hmm, I'm not sure how to describe it, but years ago I tore down the door of my wardrobe, this part that was 'shelves' and not that railing to hang your hangers from.

Ever since the door was down I used it as a proper shelf, that's where I put all my ear studs and other tiny shit at. So yeah, I basically cleaned that one shelf as well. Uhrm. Have I lost you? You don't get it right??? Nevermind.

Okay, my point is, my cleaning was restricted because my mom stuffed her own clothes into my wardrobe and my little brother rammed his desk full of unnecessary things while I was away.

Sure, my parents cleaned beneath my bed and under the windows for me, and I'm really grateful for that but what's the use if you take up the space that I need for your own things? ):

So this is why I got mad at my little brother.

He has a desk. It's right next to mine, but the thing is, he absolutely doesn't use it at all. It's crammed full of things, yeah, things which he doesn't even use anymore. He literally tosses things there when he doesn't need them anymore.

I suggested throwing the desk, because really. Even the drawers are filled with crap which he doesn't bother about. I did let him decide; either you clean up, throw whatever you don't need, or you throw away the table completely.

He refuses to throw the desk, because he claims "I won't have anywhere to put my things." The thing is, what things does he have??? He rarely has any belongings that need a desk. He rarely even uses a desk! Swear to Arceus!

The few schoolthings he has are either in his backpack or on this couch near the balcony. That's it. These are the only school possessions he has, which he's still using or still needs. He doesn't need the goddamned desk!

Not only is this messy desk of his such an eyesore to me, but just imagine what I can do with the space. I can buy myself a bookcase. I'm really lacking space for that, for crying out loud.

I told him if he didn't have space for anything, he can use a little bookcase of mine that I already have. I don't need it currently, and I'm also saving for a bigger bookcase. Besides, he doesn't need a desk. A bookcase would be enough for him, yes.

Today I finally decided I'd had enough, so I told him for the millionth time to "Clean up your desk please. Or just throw it away." He started to snap at me, giving me bullshit excuses, the same old crap he keeps saying about him having no space to put his things. It really pushed me over the edge.

Yeah. That's pretty much it. Riled up for a small matter.

Ok, to me it's a huge matter. Gosh. I just want my own personal space.

Mom just started cleaning out the wardrobe though. The past two months or so, my clothes have been hanging outside because my wardrobe was full of her stuff. Justice has been done.

Okay, I don't want to drag this rant for too long. I think I've cooled down anyway, thanks to a goodnight text. ^_^

A thought about the beautiful things in life

I'm currently about, I'm guessing 80% done with Beyond: Two Souls on my PS3. Hey don't blame me, it ain't my fault I wasn't with my PS3 when the game came out, and that I'm alternating between Pasir Ris and Paya Lebar. Can't complete it that quick ya know.

The format of this game is what you can call unique, because it goes from the main character's childhood, to her rebellious stage, to her as an adult, and back again. It jumps across here to there in her timeline.

You can say that I don't quite understand the story of this timeline, because it's just too confusing at first play, but I know for a fact that if I play it the second time, the pieces will fall into place.

Just like how, in the past, there was this manga series that I was so fond of called Fruits Basket. It had a great storyline and beautiful philosophy, which I only understood after I read and reread the entire series again and again.

So I was thinking. The beautiful stories aren't understood at one shot. It takes a lot of attempts in order to see the beauty of it. Maybe not just stories, but also in persons in general.

Maybe there's a reason why someone keeps to himself. He just has so much in him, all the amazing things he has to offer in him. The harder he is to understand, the more I want to know him better. [this is just an example, I'm not exactly referring to anyone in particular, take note]

If you keep trying again and again to read and understand it, you'll eventually see how beautiful it really is. The frustrations and impatience wouldn't be for nothing because the beauty of it rewards you.

Reasons to believe my mom loves me

Honestly, I've always believed that my mom doesn't love me. A long time ago, she did something she wasn't supposed to and told me not to tell my dad, which was exactly what I'd done. I could have sworn she hated me after that, like there was a difference between the ways she treated me before and after the incident.

Time passed and I still felt like she didn't accept me. Her anger scared me, how she vented it on me sometimes. How she would compare me to other girls and kept emphasising how I wasn't a perfect daughter just because I didn't dress up and shit.

I went a year without my mom in my presence. To me, that was a huge relief. It was an escape. The last time we'd seen each other before this gap was the day I got my O Level results. She came over to my aunt's place and demanded to see my results slip.

I refused, because I knew it was unfair that she hadn't been there for me during the time I was taking my exams. She locked me out of the house when I missed a curfew by an hour, because I'd been studying at the airport. She hurled vulgarities at me telling me not to come home ever.

She started hitting me, right in front of my aunt and uncles, when I rejected her for the millionth time that No, I am  not gonna let you see my results. Because I strongly believed she didn't have the rights. My whole sec 5 year, she was never there for me.

When her siblings defended me, she stopped hitting and yelled: "Okay, fine, don't let me see your results, but I'm cutting off all ties with you!" That was the last time I ever saw her, up to about 11 months later in December, when my grandmother and cousin persuaded me to go see her.

And then early this year, I had a bad break up and that was when I realised I needed her. I went back to my Pasir Ris household, after I'd sworn countless times I was never going to.

These are the five reasons to let me believe she's always loved me.

1. She readily accepted me back.
She didn't wonder why the hell did I suddenly wanted to go back to her. If she knew it was because I had problems, she understood I didn't want to talk about it, and so she didn't ask.

2. She continues trying.
She was never perfect, like I'd said, because of the way she treated me. Maybe it was the way she just is, but when I came back to her, she realised she needed to change her behaviour for me. She buys me books, she asks me out shopping, she treats me lunch and dinner. Back then, she rarely had that much time for me. For us.

3. She loves me the way I am.
The other day when we went out for lunch, she told me that she's always been secretly glad that I'm a weirdo and that I'm not like other girls. It was a surprise to hear her saying that! All these years, it always seemed that she detested me for being 'different'.

4. She's grateful I have the interests that I do.
 My brothers and dad never had the same taste in food and life in general with her. They don't eat sushi, they hate traveling and exploring, they have terrible navigation skills. I, on the other hand, have the same interests as her, and we both have that navigation magic and the love for roads.

5. She's proud of me, after all.
Ever since I came back, she was always asking me for these little favours, to meet her friends/colleagues when she wanted to pass them something. I've always been obliged, but it was because she wanted to show me off; she wanted her friends to see how grown-up and pretty she thought I was. Another pleasant surprise, contradictory to what I've always believed she'd thought all these years.

Sure, we've been through hell in each other these past years, almost a decade now, but she's still my mother after all, and I'm still her only daughter. Although she wouldn't say it directly that she loves me, like I wouldn't tell her, I know her feelings deep inside.

Among both my parents, I'm a lot like her. We're both angry all the time, we're both lazy people, but we both feel contented being on the roads and we're both, I'd like to believe: strong people.

I ain't as strong or beautiful or smart as she is now, but that's all the more reason for her to be my role model and inspiration. She's my mom and I treasure her.

My heroes and my Heroines

The first time we met, we teased one another like siblings. We weren't awkward. You guys made me laugh until my belly ached, and I was so grateful for having made it because it intensified my love for the group.

I mean it when I said you guys are my family; you are the first I say 'good morning' to, the first I talk to when I'm upset, when I'm happy, the first I want to hang out with when I have free time.

We slacked, we went on a food adventure, we took pictures together. I forget everything that's disturbing my heart when I'm with you guys, because the silliest things happen and the silliest things are said. You guys are the source of my happiness.

I know I screwed things up two nights ago. I know it was wrong of me to let it out by drunk-texting, and trust me I'm really embarrassed looking back at the things I'd said, ugh. Yes, I had things bothering me, but I should have just talked to you guys about it instead of going back to an old habit.

Many of you have left 1.0 ever since then, and one of you even said "Add me back only when the old Heroine is back, because this isn't the Heroine I know."

I agree with that one. You know why? Yes, Heroine is not the same. But that's because you aren't in there. That's because most of the people I love aren't in there. Heroine is not the same without you, and as long as your presence isn't there, the group will never be as it is.

I'm sincerely apologetic for my behaviour that night; the things I'd said. I'm cringing in memory, eurgh. I'm sorry, and I really hope you come back, because that's the only way Heroine will revert back to the family we were.

And no, I am not 'homeless'. I do have a home. And that is, like I'd said: with you guys. You are my happiness, you are my drug, and you are my home. You are my heroes and Heroines.

A poem and a dream from 2012

So I'm back here in Pasir Ris, and the first thing I did was to clean up the mess that was my room. I came here two days ago, to place on my bookshelves some of the books I had at Paya Lebar.

Seeing my new collection of books on my shelves just motivated me to clean up, because they deserved the cleanliness. Or am I the only one who feels that way?

Anyway, I found a lot of weird things from secondary school. Old photos, and old notebooks. By notebooks, I don't mean the diaries I'd written; those had been in my knowledge forever, but the notebooks I discovered today were just.... Random. They weren't diaries. They were random as hell.

I found one of "My Random Poetry", and another which I used to write the dreams I had. For the fun of it, I'm gonna share with ya one from each. Take note these were from years ago, so please excuse the silliness of what I'd written.

I shall rewrite exactly what had been written, though I have to edit names out or unnecessary segments, things like that. Here's the dream.

"It was late December. Everyone was running out of homes, for some reason, and I had stumbled upon a building which served as a shelter for those who had lost their ways of housing.

Most of the people staying there were students. In fact, I saw many familiar faces. I saw juniors from my school. I had lingered outside the building for a while, fingering the red and black hoodie of mine that I had slung over my shoulder.

I looked at everyone  All the students were chaotic. I saw a sign that said "5/1" and I saw two of my then classmates standing outside a room. I propped my hoodie on a wall and made my way towards them.

Everyone had bags and were walking to certain classrooms, including me. I was walking along, with my eyes on the room with the "5/1" sign, when I bumped into someone from 4/3, but I just walked off without an apology.

It turned out that the classes took lodging in a classroom each. I don't know what was done to separate the girls from the boys, but for all I saw, everyone from the same class shared a classroom together. 5/1's was empty, and I sat inside, alone.

There were windows, and students were walking past, to and fro, to and fro. I don't remember their faces anymore, but they were all sec 4s from my school.

[some unnecessary parts that I have to crop out]

When I woke up, it was New Year's eve. I was alone in the 4/3 room, and when I looked out the window, everyone was moving in the same direction, hastily. They were not walking to and fro like the first day that I had walked in the compound. I wondered what was happening, and to my surprise, I managed to get out of the bed without difficulty.

I followed my gaze to the direction that everyone was walking away from. All the classrooms were stripped of their walls, and all that remained were the bricks that laid on the floor. If the destruction were to resume, the classroom that I had been in was to be the next to be brought down.

I looked back to where the students were walking towards. At the end of the road stood a wall. I saw them climbing over it, some even jumping.

I saw some 5/1 students, and I walked to where they were, right by the wall. My hoodie hung over it, and as I was taking it down, XX had came up to me asking for my real name. I didn't answer because I didn't understand what she meant.

I overheard some conversations beside me, saying things like "We spend our last few hours of the year being chased out of our homes..." and everyone looked so very sad...

At that moment, an aeroplane had crossed the sky. It was blue, a contrast of the darker blue that the sky was. I don't remember how long I'd stared at it, but when I looked back down, all the students were gone and I stood alone next to the wall."

Bloody hell, I remember this dream. I remember the compound, and it had that dystopian atmosphere to it. Dystopian or post-apocalyptic, either way it was.

Now for the poem. It may or may not make sense to you, maybe not to me either but I'm still gonna share it in its original form. What I remember about writing this poem, I'll let you know too.

"Please set fire to my precious eyes
It's the only way to run from ghosts of you and I
The solitary escapade unties no rope
The movement of time unleashes no hope.

Rather blind than at mercy
Of the smiling ghosts in bow and courtsey
Rather darkness than colour
Accompanied by figures of purple.

Nobody to look into your eyes
Nobody to figure out your lies
Nobody to determine in what way you're recognised
Nobody to tell you that you're not okay or fine.

No tears to show you're sad
No frowns to show you're upset.
No fire in your eyes to show your anger
No spark in your eyes to show you're in love.

No motive for murderers
No opportunity for witnesses
No reason for weaknesses
And most certainly no need for questions."

I remember, that this was during the time of my 2012 break-up, where practically everywhere I walked in Pasir Ris had a memory of him. I couldn't handle it then, because I'd been way weaker than I am now, and that's what was meant by 'set fire to my eyes', because I didn't want to see the memories floating all around me.

By 'smiling ghosts of bow and courtsey', it probably goes to show how those memories were way happier than I was as a human, even when they were just putting on a show.

The last three verses were probably the good of having no eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul indeed, and without them, not only would I be unable to watch memories I'd rather forget, but people wouldn't be able to look inside, to come closer to me, to know me.

I guess that's it for tonight. My room has so much treasure in the Literature of E'in Nadh; diary entries and poems and other stupid little random things. Might wanna share some here occasionally. Goodnight.

My love for Singapore's roads

Yesterday was a pretty productive day in travels! I'm so contented with myself!

My mom has always been her own best at roads, and her navigation skills are top-notch. Her weakness however is the North East area, especially Punggol and Sengkang; she never easily finds her way around these areas unlike other places.

A long time ago, I told myself I want to be like her, a master of roads, maybe even better. What better way to bypass your role model by taking on the challenge that is her weakness?

So, E'in Nadh goes exploring in Sengkang, the 16th station of the North East Line, with her tourguide Yazid the Rebellyious! Okay, so we didn't cover much because my legs were aching so bad after walking only one section of the park, which according to Yazid, had 4 segments.

We may or may not be making a few more parts to this Sengkang tour, maybe he'd be nice and adventurous enough to head to Punggol as well, I'm not sure? Meanwhile, enjoy the video ^^

About the "last blade of grass" part, I didn't really get to finish my story... I'm not really a good speaker, shamelessly.

The LRT tracks, though they were MRT's in the dream, were on ground level, and I was walking right next to that. Yes, every patch of grass around me was dried up, dead, brown. Someone told me to look for 'the last blade of grass', possibly because that last blade, or patch, would be the saviour of the terrible drought.

That's it, really. I told you I don't blog about dreams much unless I remember enough to write a story about it.

And yes, yesterday was my first time exploring that part of Sengkang. I've never been there before this, but yes I dreamt of it. It's actually pretty normal for me to dream of places before I cross them haha.

With that said, this little Youtube channel of mine shall be used to showcase all corners, all places to go, in my own country, because idk some kids just don't appreciate how lovely Singapore really is. And anyway, I do so love taking walks and bus rides around Singapore. As cheesy as it sounds, Singapore is my home because I love being anywhere around her.

For now, that's the only love I know: passion. My passion for writing, my passion for the roads of Singapore. And I'm gonna show my love off because we gotta be proud of what we love yeah?

Thanks for showing me my strength

My fingers hover over the letters of my keyboard and that's when I realise I don't remember last night's dream. Is that a miracle or what? But damn, now I have nothing to blog about.

That aside, I know it may seem strange that I have dreams every night but I rarely blog about them. I don't know if anyone's ever noticed, if I even have enough readers for someone to wonder that, but just saying, that I only blog about a dream I had when I remember enough to write a story about it.

Maybe I shall blog about that now: dreams in which I only remembered little to one scenes.
Okay I'm just gonna write about one dream for now, since it's long enough already. I had this one in late January this year, my break-up misery days.

I was in a school... My school, to be exact. I'm not sure how I remembered it was my school, but that's how dreams work: you wouldn't know how you know something, you just do.

There was that holiday kind of atmosphere, the school was half empty, and the few students littered around were just slacking and laughing, not studying or rushing to classes, shit like that.

It soon got a little darker, like it was 7 in the evening or 6 in the morning? Now that you mention it, I don't exactly recall the exact time of this one but the lighting was around those timings of the day.

I was walking past a group of other students when I receive a text from the ex's best friend. ...Wow, it's been a while since I last thought about him.

He gave me some random directions in which I obediently followed, and got into this classroom that was dark as hell. I could make out chairs and desks, like a normal classroom, but I didn't really see any reason special as to why he'd made me go there.

And then, bit by bit the classroom started to light up. There were these little pictures being lighted up, letters that spelled out words and words that made sentences, all of which glowed in the dark.

The pictures were of me, from all stages of my solitude, from misery to picking myself up, gaining composure and moving forward. At the time I had this dream, I was at my most miserable, and I hadn't been through that 'strong' stage in reality.

I don't exactly remember how they went, but the sentences were quotes, reminding me of how strong I am, how strong I should be, how I'd be able to handle this pain and more.

The pictures and quotes not only glowed in the dark, but they were spinning around me, slowly, a show of lights that was only meant for me and me alone. Really, it was extremely beautiful. You can't even begin to imagine. The way the lights bounced on my body, danced around me.

The ex's best friend texted me when I was in the midst of admiring the show, but I don't remember what it said, unfortunately. Never did remember it, not even the slightest.

I woke up with lots of butterflies in my tummy, but I did feel that little spark in me at the moment. And because my dreams have always meant so much to me and were always right, I strongly believed that the best friend had something to do with my moving on from the ex.

I dunno, it sounds stupid thinking back about it, but *shrugs* you never know?

And, I guess in a way, he predicted my strength. Okay, just his dreamworld alter-ego, but damn. At that time he was one of the few who really knew me well anyway, so... Yeah. Damn.

The chance of meeting someone random

I went to the city area for a walk today, in Marina Centre to be specific. My Paya Lebar house is near the city area. Wait... Okay, so to me town is the Orchard/Somerset area, while city refers to the landmarks that are always featured if you ask for Singapore's skyline. Okay? Okay.

So I took a walk in the city area, and my head was bursting with memories when I stepped into Marina Centre. It's where I'd gone prom shopping with the girls back in 2011! I wouldn't want to talk about prom exactly, you can read about that here [link].

I bought myself some laptop stickers, and then went for a little dinner at Pizza Hut. There, I stumbled onto a schoolmate of mine, from secondary school, the same batch from me but from NT. I don't know if he recognised me, if he had even noticed me there.

My thoughts started running through all kinds of possibilities as usual, and suddenly I had a crazy thought: what are the statistical probabilities of having someone cross your path in life? What are the chances that someone random and you will meet someday, just like that?

I thought of it this way: imagine if you notice a cute guy, and he happens to be with your old schoolmate. Say, Cutie points you out to Schoolmate and says you're cute. If Schoolmate doesn't recognise or remember you, the conversation ends there. Your meeting with this cutie ends there.

On the other hand, if Schoolmate remembers you and gives Cutie your name, you and Cutie have that chance of meeting again, on Twitter or whatever if he bothers to find you. From there, your paths intercept with each other, and you may or may not have a future with the cutie.

Simply said, it's fascinating how the tiniest of things have the biggest impacts on your path in life. Kind of like how, if you could ever go back in time, you shouldn't touch anything because the slightest modification in the past can change the present/future completely.

I'm not sure if you can learn anything from this post, these thoughts of mine, but it was just something I wanted to share.  Maybe you're now thinking of what little things you did that made your life like this today.

Being compared to Violet Parr

Honestly, I've always had long hair, in my pre-secondary days. That's probably why I'd always been compared to freaking Violet Parr from The Incredibles movie, by my parents and cousins when I was younger and by workmates when I grew older.

It was almost always the hair. How my hair covered my face, just like hers did. Then I got my glasses and chopped off my hair when I was in sec 2, which helped me lose the resemblance to her.

Last night I got compared again, the last time being in 2011 when I think I didn't look that much like her anymore. The comparison this time was by one of my Heroine family members.

And then I had a sudden realisation: it wasn't just the hair anymore. If you remember, Violet's powers were invisibility and the ability to conduct force fields.

Doesn't that sound like me, and most of us these days? Invisibility, how I'm always hiding away from people and away from others' eyes. Not getting any attention. Force fields, how I have the tendency to build walls around me to protect myself from others. Throw anyone off their feet if they get too close.

Sounds exactly like me. And sounds like Violet had had these weaknesses of hers as her powers as well. Impressive. Can we be like that?