A poem and a dream from 2012

So I'm back here in Pasir Ris, and the first thing I did was to clean up the mess that was my room. I came here two days ago, to place on my bookshelves some of the books I had at Paya Lebar.

Seeing my new collection of books on my shelves just motivated me to clean up, because they deserved the cleanliness. Or am I the only one who feels that way?

Anyway, I found a lot of weird things from secondary school. Old photos, and old notebooks. By notebooks, I don't mean the diaries I'd written; those had been in my knowledge forever, but the notebooks I discovered today were just.... Random. They weren't diaries. They were random as hell.

I found one of "My Random Poetry", and another which I used to write the dreams I had. For the fun of it, I'm gonna share with ya one from each. Take note these were from years ago, so please excuse the silliness of what I'd written.

I shall rewrite exactly what had been written, though I have to edit names out or unnecessary segments, things like that. Here's the dream.

"It was late December. Everyone was running out of homes, for some reason, and I had stumbled upon a building which served as a shelter for those who had lost their ways of housing.

Most of the people staying there were students. In fact, I saw many familiar faces. I saw juniors from my school. I had lingered outside the building for a while, fingering the red and black hoodie of mine that I had slung over my shoulder.

I looked at everyone  All the students were chaotic. I saw a sign that said "5/1" and I saw two of my then classmates standing outside a room. I propped my hoodie on a wall and made my way towards them.

Everyone had bags and were walking to certain classrooms, including me. I was walking along, with my eyes on the room with the "5/1" sign, when I bumped into someone from 4/3, but I just walked off without an apology.

It turned out that the classes took lodging in a classroom each. I don't know what was done to separate the girls from the boys, but for all I saw, everyone from the same class shared a classroom together. 5/1's was empty, and I sat inside, alone.

There were windows, and students were walking past, to and fro, to and fro. I don't remember their faces anymore, but they were all sec 4s from my school.

[some unnecessary parts that I have to crop out]

When I woke up, it was New Year's eve. I was alone in the 4/3 room, and when I looked out the window, everyone was moving in the same direction, hastily. They were not walking to and fro like the first day that I had walked in the compound. I wondered what was happening, and to my surprise, I managed to get out of the bed without difficulty.

I followed my gaze to the direction that everyone was walking away from. All the classrooms were stripped of their walls, and all that remained were the bricks that laid on the floor. If the destruction were to resume, the classroom that I had been in was to be the next to be brought down.

I looked back to where the students were walking towards. At the end of the road stood a wall. I saw them climbing over it, some even jumping.

I saw some 5/1 students, and I walked to where they were, right by the wall. My hoodie hung over it, and as I was taking it down, XX had came up to me asking for my real name. I didn't answer because I didn't understand what she meant.

I overheard some conversations beside me, saying things like "We spend our last few hours of the year being chased out of our homes..." and everyone looked so very sad...

At that moment, an aeroplane had crossed the sky. It was blue, a contrast of the darker blue that the sky was. I don't remember how long I'd stared at it, but when I looked back down, all the students were gone and I stood alone next to the wall."

Bloody hell, I remember this dream. I remember the compound, and it had that dystopian atmosphere to it. Dystopian or post-apocalyptic, either way it was.

Now for the poem. It may or may not make sense to you, maybe not to me either but I'm still gonna share it in its original form. What I remember about writing this poem, I'll let you know too.

"Please set fire to my precious eyes
It's the only way to run from ghosts of you and I
The solitary escapade unties no rope
The movement of time unleashes no hope.

Rather blind than at mercy
Of the smiling ghosts in bow and courtsey
Rather darkness than colour
Accompanied by figures of purple.

Nobody to look into your eyes
Nobody to figure out your lies
Nobody to determine in what way you're recognised
Nobody to tell you that you're not okay or fine.

No tears to show you're sad
No frowns to show you're upset.
No fire in your eyes to show your anger
No spark in your eyes to show you're in love.

No motive for murderers
No opportunity for witnesses
No reason for weaknesses
And most certainly no need for questions."

I remember, that this was during the time of my 2012 break-up, where practically everywhere I walked in Pasir Ris had a memory of him. I couldn't handle it then, because I'd been way weaker than I am now, and that's what was meant by 'set fire to my eyes', because I didn't want to see the memories floating all around me.

By 'smiling ghosts of bow and courtsey', it probably goes to show how those memories were way happier than I was as a human, even when they were just putting on a show.

The last three verses were probably the good of having no eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul indeed, and without them, not only would I be unable to watch memories I'd rather forget, but people wouldn't be able to look inside, to come closer to me, to know me.

I guess that's it for tonight. My room has so much treasure in the Literature of E'in Nadh; diary entries and poems and other stupid little random things. Might wanna share some here occasionally. Goodnight.

From a shattered daughter.

In an empty house they told me to call 'home';
People labeled 'family' who left me all alone.
The only times they came into my room;
Was to hit me til I couldn't move.

A thousand acres of hatred from them;
I exchanged with all the love I could send.
Palms held together with my pleads and begs;
I was as worthless as a used-up rag.

They screamed "I hate you", with so much cold;
More passion than "I love you" could ever hold.
They looked at me with so much disgrace;
Funny thing was, I had their blood in my veins.

Called for help til my throat went sore;
They looked at me for a second, nothing more.
Blood on my sleeves meant nothing to mother;
More bruises on my body, added by father.

Hate more than love, disdain more than pride;
I was nothing in your eyes but a worthless child.
Endured what I could until I could no longer cope;
I ran out of love for you, I ran out of hope.

from your daughter,
E'indah Nadhirah. 

Poem for his first day of school.

Hey there, charming little prince.
Little girl calling you here from the East.
For granted i had taken your embrace.
And then three months passed without my notice.

Someone tomorrow is starting school.
Friends and environment, everything is new.
People and surroundings, probably scaring you.
But dont you worry babyboo.

With the lines above your mouth when you smile,
Underneath the eyes that are indescribable bright,
Head to the sky chin held high.
Yes boy you today are going to shine.

Eyes will look and some will judge.
Some will glance and wont think much.
Girls will turn and start to gush.
Some might even develop a crush ]:

Just look ahead and remember why you're here.
Dont dwell on the past, because those failures are over.
Ahead of you believe me is a bright future.
Advert your eyes to it, pretty as a picture {:

Wallowing in self pity i may be.
Not the perfect example for you to see.
But i'm not stopping here, and neither are you.
Im not giving up my dreams, so you'd better not too.

This is specially for 'Aamir Kamsari and anyone else who's starting in a new school tomorrow/soon.

Don't stop, no matter what you do. Cry and regret and get pissed at the education system all you want. But don't ever, ever stop moving forward.

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Woe is me.

woe is me, woe is me.
still not talking with mummy.
work has long consumed my daddy.
brothers too busy with PS3.

woe is me, woe is me.
it's been raining heavily.
the cold kills me, slowly but surely.
still shivering beneath my blankie.

woe is me, woe is me.
no new videos from the damn Pewdie.
still can't play FireRed or Ruby.
can't go out due to lack of money.

woe is me, woe is me.
nothing nice to drink or eat.
nothing nice to reblog or retweet.
nobody new to meet or greet.

woe is me, woe is me.
i'm running out of rhyming words.
no more lines to toss and hurl.
nothing intelligent for my readers.

woe is me, woe is me.
nothing but boredom filled my today.
still never an interesting monday.
what about you, how was your day?

yes, today was a really boring day. my brothers have been hogging the PS3 anyway! so i can't play that! yes i did read and write a lot, but nope, it did not cure my boredom.

so tomorrow... is my class chalet! eeek. i'm totally broke, but i really want to buy them some Hello Pandas. i guess i'll have to borrow some moolah from any one of my brothers then, i suppose.

i can't wait to see my classmates.

okay, spill. does anyone know any blogshops that sell a decent collection of long-sleeved tops? i am desperate for this, cause i find it difficult to find such tops these days. maybe cause it's not the style, or maybe cause of Singapore's weather. i dont know. but yes, i am desperate.

i guess that's it for now. woe is me, woe is me.

Poem for all you strong people.

It's been a year;
Came and gone without a sound.
Or maybe we just didnt hear;
When the past few months tried to shout.

The midnight prayers;
Begging God to return your past.
The endless flow of your tears;
The sadness that never ceased to last.

Do you remember that?
The ways you tried to cope.
The ways you tried to forget.
The ways you begged for hope.

The ways everyone ignored you;
How nobody heard your cries.
Nobody even bothered to look;
Or look deeper beneath your smiles.

You isolated yourself;
In hopes that someone would come over.
To notice you sitting behind the shelf;
Or to see you crouching in the corner.

For you to have come all this way;
I really think you are strong.
Perhaps you were awaiting the day;
When someone asks you what's wrong.

But you dont need that;
For you have your own two feet now.
So my strong dear, no need to be sad;
Stand above the world and take a bow.

(c) solitary author @109blackaxes.blogspot.com

Am blogging on my phone now! Everything seems so new. So... See you guys sometime soon? Stay strong. You all are. Goodnight!

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Poem for my O Levels.

on chilly Thursday nights like these;
is when i ponder hard about my studies.
the way it stands in a menacing stance;
how it threatens to take away my only chance.

ear sticks being fingered nervously;
thumbing through random pages of my diary.
it all starts on October the twenty-second;
what will i do with my life until then?

a day more of sitting through classes;
but will i really make full use of these lessons?
a week more of school days so free;
but will i really use the time to study?

so beautiful how everyone's working so hard;
how some were focused from the very start.
how some just started after a year spent on rest;
at least i can see them now doing their best.

in solitude under a random void deck;
keeping warm with knees close to the chest.
cigarettes and pens, the flow of thick black ink;
will i have the strength to swim, or will i just sink?

(C) Solitary Author @109blackaxes.blogspot.com

____

Dua tiga Yamask menangis.

dua tiga kucing berlari,
entah kenapa aku letih hari ni.
pergi sekolah bukannya belajar,
satu hari aku cuma tidur sahaja.

dua tiga meja berhabuk,
pelajaran aku semakin teruk.
dah tahu bukannya buat sesuatu,
macam O level lagi jauh gitu.

dua tiga buku yang koyak,
masa depan nampaksah dah rosak.
kadang-kala memang nak putus asa,
tapi tak berani untuk menyerah kalah.

(c) Solitary Author @109blackaxes.blogspot.com

____

i did some Maths today, mostly Maths and Geography. it was surprising that i made such an improvement in the former, when i thought it's always been my weakest subject.

in fact, i think it's one of my strongest now, for some reason. my Science is declining, and i need to read up more on my Humanities. my languages are okay, i guess, although my Malay is not on par with my English.

hoo-boy. it's less than a month away from the first O level written paper, and countdowns are everywhere. and dammit! my Chemistry practical is still as weak as ever. my Physics is fine in comparison.

alright, grrrl, we've really got to buck the fuck up. turn your weaknesses into your strengths, okay?

by the way, i kept saying to myself the line "dua tiga kucing berlari", cause the vendor at my school canteen kept saying that to me earlier!

and i've also been doodling "Solstice version II" all over my books and notes. it sounds cool, like a more advanced version of Solitary Author. like how Genesect is to Kabutops.

o yes, i have been thinking about this: if i were a Pokemon, which Pokemon do you think i would be? personally, i think i would be a Yamask.

this is from either Sinnoh or Unova [can't remember], and i got to know about it when i was researching freaky things about PKMN.

well apparently, this PKMN carries the face of a human, which is actually the person whom it once was. which makes this PKMN a human ghost, actually.

but that's not my point. my point is, Yamask has the tendency to look at the face of its former life, and cry in remembrance of the human it once was.

like me, don't you think? that damn Wrister girl.

that aside, this strange Pokemon has many kinds of stories or theories behind it. some people said it's a representation of the 9/11 tragedy, and that the faces it holds are the victims.

ah! i think Yamask was from Unova. i heard that this region was based on the city where the towers had stood, and that this Pokemon is usually found wandering around the area where the towers were based. makes sense now.

sorry, got to really stop talking about Pokemon, right?

have lots of books to bring to school tomorrow, all kinds of ten year series, and my backpack is seriously tearing apart at the bottom. i've had it for two years now; had been a gift on my fifteenth birthday.

p.s. everyone knows Team Rocket and how they're always trying to catch Pikachu, right? well, i have a little wonder about this.

the thing is, Ash's Pikachu sucks. they've battled so much, that Pik should probably be nearing level 100 by now. yet it got defeated by so many weak Pokemon [including a Magikarp!!] throughout the series.

some people say that each time Pikachu enters a new region, he gets 'reset' back to level 5 or somewhere.

in any case, if you haven't noticed; Team Rocket has a talking Pokemon. shouldn't that be a lot more valuable than a lousy and common electric mouse?

Best seat in the world.

i met up with two lovely people today. first was none other than Mayang cousie. we went to have breakkie at Mac cause i couldn't make it for KFC's. damn son. i really wanted porridge.

well at least we still got to meet up. it's been awhile since we had a meal together. talked about the least important things in our lives as always.

took bus and walked to PRP where i met up with Syamirul. passed him his birthday present and sat on the breakwaters, also talking about the least important things in our lives. [okay, so we talked about my o levels too, which is definitely not an unimportant thing. but yeah]

went to the library on my own afterwards. it's been ages since i last visited the library to sit and read! one of the security personnel came over to me and told me that i can't consume milk tea in the library. [i had a bottle next to me]

me: but i didn't drink it.
security personnel: *laughs* that's what everyone says.
me: O: really! [really.] i came here only to read. [meaning to say, please let me read in peace.]
security personnel: fine, fine. just put it in your bag please.

so i did.

and then i went to popular to look at more books. bwahah. blah3, here i am now, slacking in bed with a book.

that white tiger has the best seat in the world. my stomach.

i wanna say, thank you to my Cousie and Sya-zamn. it's been a while since i went out with someone, two people in one day. it makes me feel so special, somehow. so thank you very much (;

i would love to draw you guys but i'm too lazy go to my drawing spot. which is over there. and i'm here. x_x

let's watch more PewDiePie now! i don't think he's had any new uploads, so i'll just continue watching the Happy Wheels ones.

image courtesy of MyNightSoul on DeviantArt. 

oh, hold on. i just remembered. Mayang cousie told me to write a poem about beach earlier. i shall try that now. though i've no idea whether i should make it a silly one or a serious one.

okay, maybe not beach. but park. PRP to be exact. should be close enough. that place has a significance too anyway, so let's go.

____

if waves are the only things you hear;
and stars the only things you see.
there's something else which is near;
something that's either sad or happy.

where we spent our first night;
where you brought me around on your bike.
where we had a cold fight;
yes, they're all there, behind.

but the stars are all that i'd like to look at;
no matter how tired my neck would get.
i just wanna look to the sky, and forget;
about everything, from the day we first met.

this place is killing me;
all the ghosts that i can't help but see.
the ghosts of our memories;
make them disappear, please.

shall blog again later if i feel like it.

Crap poem for my readers.

heidiho there my loyal readers;
those on 109BlackAxes.
the ones who read my nonsense;
the ones called my dear Axes.

my long boring days in school;
the lame things which only i find cool.
scrolling through my many webcamwhores;
persevering my posts full of bore.

going through my moodswings;
watching videos of my lip-syncs.
reading on all my mistakes;
giving support with nothing to take.

fangirling over bands you've never heard;
sharing how i'd laughed from certain youtubers.
proving to you that i'm feeling a little low;
showing you pictures of the birds out the window.

started off this with a little heidiho;
the solitary author's way of saying her hello.
meanwhile, as for the goodbye that i say;
it is none other than a little goudenbaye.

but i don't WANNA say goodbye! 

bwahaha. alright. thanks for the support my Axes. whether you really do like my blog or not. as long as you read and feel a little emotion, it's enough for me. because it doesn't matter if my face is unseen, as long as my words are read. [webcamwhores are decorations XD]

if i were a cat...

if i were a cat, i would have shiny black fur.
no need to worry about not having nice hair like her.
if i were a cat, i would have eyes as red as strawberries.
no need to worry about contact lens in the mornings.

if i were a cat, i would think of only food.
no need to worry if i was bad or good.
if i were a cat, i would stretch my paws.
no need to worry about my flaws.

if i were a cat, i would chase after the birds.
no need to worry about getting hurt.
if i were a cat, i would hunt for mice.
no need to worry about the house's shortage of rice.

if i were a cat, i would keep happily meowing.
no need to worry about being attention-seeking.
if i were a cat, i would grin at the leashed dogs.
no need to worry about what not to expose on my blog.

if i were a cat, i would all day munch on fish.
no need to worry about a shooting star wish.
if i were a cat, i would hide from the chaos all around.
no need to worry about never being found.

if i were a cat, i would walk with my tail held high.
no need to worry about having lost the love of my life. 
if i were a cat, i would be o so proud of being me.
no need to worry about being victim of abuse and society.

____

(c) Solitary Author @ 109blackaxes.blogspot.com

again.

i had these wonderful best friends
whom i left, whom i left.
because i had this amazing boyfriend
who left, who left.

i had all the motivation
to study, to study.
now my only solution
is to sleep at every opportunity.

with neither wind nor rain
i cry, i cry.
ah, here i go again
blurry eyes, blurry eyes.

for the cause of this plight
he is named, he is named. 
for the whole miserable life
God is blamed, God is blamed.

forever hoping to be brought away
far from here, far from here.
the end of every sorrowful day
is far from near, far from near.

my brain said i was over him
it lied, it lied.
my heart kept yearning for him
so it died, so it died.

and it brought me with it.
again.
til the next time we meet.
again.