you've been at home the whole day, restless and fidgety, never getting any work done. you watch Youtube videos, you blog, you go downstairs for a walk and get yourself food. but you're not making any progress in your revision.
then a classmate asks you out, finally, on a study session. you oblige without a second thought because you know you really need to go out to study. you meet her at the airport, buy yourselves cups of hot chocolate, chat for awhile, have a smoke break, camwhore. most of all, you study.
you feel proud of yourself because you now know how to do several topics which you should have mastered a long time ago. feeling satisfied, you decide to go. you look at the time and you realise it's once again past your curfew.
your mother texts you repeatedly, reminding you that she's locked the front door from inside. when you finally reach home from the airport, it's 45 minutes past your curfew. you unlock the gate and proceed to open the door, only realising that the door is indeed locked from the inside.
fine. so you go down by the stairs and decide not to go home tonight. fine. fine with you. of course. but by the time you reach the bus stop, you already have tears in your eyes.
you feel lost. you don't know where to go. you take a random bus and alight at the end. by the time, it was past midnight and there's no buses or trains. each step you take entitles you to a few more drops of tears down your cheeks. you can't stop crying.
you text that someone, hoping he can help you, or even give any support and tell you to be strong. like he always does. but he keeps quiet. he wants you to know that you're on your own.
but you want him to be there. you want him to appear out of nowhere and hug you in the middle of the deserted lane, telling you everything will be alright. you don't want to move unless he appears.
you move. because he doesn't appear.
somehow, you don't remember how but you manage to make your way to your aunt's place; where your favourite aunt and uncles and grandmother are. where there are half a dozen cats to keep you company.
i think you're strong. because you made it.
your grandmother tells you to take a shower, and it feels so good. she sets up the mattress and pillows, and you fall asleep to one of the cats purring by your tummy. you feel blessed.
you wake up to hear your grandmother talking on the phone angrily. it's your father. it's not his fault; it was your mother who took things into her own hands and locked the door from the inside although your father already told her not to.
he had gone downstairs and all over just looking for you, and he didn't sleep the whole night. he's angry with you and your grandmother and your aunt because nobody told him of your whereabouts.
when your grandmother hangs up, you receive a text. your father tells you to stay here forever and that your aunt can take care of you because he claims you are all idiots.
you meet your classmates for another study session. you're forced to wear the same thing as yesterday because the impromptu sleepover means you don't have any other clothes. you want to go back and take a change of clothes but your father is there and you don't want to see him.
you decide to go off at 7, and you go to find some other classmates to slack with them. you've got three cigarettes and a lighter, and you can't wait to smoke them. you've had a hell of a day.
by your second stick, you feel dizzy. you feel a loss in sense of balance. you love your classmates, and they're there, but you still feel incomplete. you still want somebody else to be there to hold you up.
your classmate asks you what are the chances of you getting back together with him compared to with the classmates. you know the answer. you don't like it.
you smoke your last cigarette.
there is lightning and thunder. you listen to your classmates talk about the years, and you realise how much you've missed this year. you want to cry, but you hold it in.
it starts to drizzle. your classmates disperse. you walk with one of them, and talk with him, getting to know him better. he tells you to put your bag over your head so you won't fall sick, but you ignore him and continue to walk exposed to the rainwater.
you're cold. you don't have your foster brother's hoodie, and even your sweater is not enough. you can't stand the cold. your shoes get soggy. you curse yourself for not wearing your Nikes on the day you had gone to the airport.
your classmate takes the same bus as you but he alights earlier. when he alights, you draw in your diary, the raindrops hitting against the window beside you. by the time you're done with it, the bus has reached the end.
when you arrive back at your aunt's place, you realise you reek of cigarettes. you can't help putting your nails to your nose again and again when you remember your classmate telling you that the smell would stick especially under your nails.
you know it's noticeable because you go into the house realising that none of the cats are there awaiting like they always do. then your grandmother insists on you to take a shower, telling you over and over to make sure you use soap. she never emphasises on the soap before.
you know she knows. but you're both not saying anything. you're fine that way.
you start yet another day. you realise that you have some extra lessons in school this week, but you know you can't go just because your uniform is not with you. what will your teachers think?
you realise that you're breaking everybody else's hearts because one person broke yours.
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