Racial Discrimination in Singapore

This is a report I'm doing for one of my modules. It was due last week, and everyone had submitted theirs way before then. I didn't even do any shit, and was made to come to class yesterday to finish this, when all my classmates hadn't needed to come. Since I've nothing much to blog about these days, why don't I let you read what shit I've written in my report?

I have a lot more opinions about the issue of racial discrimination in Singapore, but whatever.

Racial Discrimination in Singapore

1. Introduction

For a country that prides itself on the fact that it is multi-racial, Singapore may be seen from the outside as a state whereby people of all races or religions live together in peace and harmony. Singapore is a very special place, founded and intended to be a place where everyone could flourish and prosper; a place where you can be yourself and comfortable with your own ethnicity, culture and religion, and at the same time feel part of a bigger unity with the same nationality shared. Singapore not only has to celebrate its similarities, but differences as well. The purpose of this report is to highlight the reasons for the issue of racial discrimination, and why it must be prevented.

2. Why is there discrimination?

The question to ask is, "why do people discriminate?" There are many possible explanations, some of which being, people discriminate because they are afraid, and most of the time, they fear because they do not have a clear and precise understanding of a certain something. So when people speak against the wedding practices of another race, it is because there were not familiar with the practice of this other race. As they are in the middle of doing something in their own time, instead of taking initiative to go down to see for themselves what the wedding of another race is like, a person might choose to look at things from their own perception, and prefer to believe that the wedding is just a disturbance.

A popular form of inequality and discrimination in Singapore is the apparent preferred treatment that majority of citizens with Chinese heritage enjoy, over those with Indian or Malay backgrounds. For example, employment ads explicitly state that the position is preferred to be filled by a Chinese person. This division along races is an unfortunate reality of daily life in Singapore, which often boasts about its status as a multi-racial country. However, certain laws have done all but silenced debates on matters of race and ethnicity, making it very difficult to address the problem of racial discrimination in Singapore publicly.

3. Types of Discrimination 

3.1 Discrimination on the net
Shimun Lai, a Nanyang Polytechnic student, had felt frustrated and angry toward a certain race and vented it via racist remarks on her Twitter page. These comments were uncalled for, and particularly hurtful towards Indians, as she had mentioned: "Indians need their own form of transport. Or trains need to have separate cabins for humans and dogs", making it clear that she categorised Indians as low as "dogs".  (http://sg.news.yahoo.com/, 2012)

Another incident, this time against the Malays, showed how Amy Cheong had vented her frustrations about a Malay wedding happening at the void deck of her home, feeling annoyed just because the custom she knows and possibly grew up with is not the same way. She garnered much attention after putting up the remark, with netizens calling her disrespectful. It was also reported that her comment was lodged to the police. (http://news.asiaone.com/, 2012)

3.2 Discrimination in jobs
Over the years, little has changed. Job advertisements today state “Must be able to speak Mandarin” as a very important job requirement. This is done presumably to ease business communications with mainland Chinese and Taiwanese companies and certain authorities, but the truth is, these Chinese and Taiwanese representatives have their own cultural differences that local bosses are not sensitive to, hence they may need translators. So what does it matter for one to be fluent in Mandarin when a skilled translator is used? (www.transitioning.org, 2011)

Another factor lies in the military. No matter how tempted a Malay male is to join the Navy as a regular, they know that they can never fulfill this dream because of the fact that certain units in the army, and mostly the air force, are out of bounds to Malays, despite how high their capabilities and how fit they are. It is appalling to know that such policies exist for a reason such as "security", even after these Malays have sworn to protect their own nation against aggressors, whether or not they share the same religion as certain terrorists. (www.transitioning.org, 2011)

A survey was conducted to determine the country’s progress in building harmonious relations among races and religions, and covered 4,131 Singapore residents. According to the response, about  67% of Malays have faced discrimination at some point when applying for jobs in Singapore; 60% for Indians, and 39% for Chinese. When the surveyors asked the respondents “How often do you feel racially discriminated when being considered for a job promotion?”, the results were similar: 63% of Malays faced discrimination;  58% for the Indians and 40% for the Chinese. (Institute of Policy Studies, 2013)

4. Why must discrimination be stopped?

Racial discrimination in Singapore brings about social tension among the existing races. The more the Chinese benefit from certain policies, the more the minority of races will feel angry towards them. This way, the races will not live in harmony at all, but instead, grow further apart because of this unnecessary division. Singapore, being a multi-racial country, has to make sure that all its races and religions are treated equally, whether or not they form the majority of the country.

5. Conclusion

It is definitely true that on the surface, Singapore might seem like a perfect state where residents of all ages, religions, and races peacefully coexist. However, this does not mean that discrimination in Singapore does not exist, although it is often not openly visible. For a country who constantly prides itself to be a multi-racial country, Singapore has to make sure that the differences in the country brings the people together instead of bringing about disputes, like it has over time. By highlighting the main issues of where discrimination has been found and extracted from, the people of Singapore should be able to see the problems they have brought about along time, and that everyone has to do their part to keep the harmony going, because differences are what should bring the people together.

____

Letting you go

When I was taking residence at my aunt's place at Paya Lebar, I swore myself an oath that I would never return back to my parents, ever. I swore to make sure they spent their remaining Hari Rayas without me, that they would never watch me graduate with a diploma, that they would never look at me as their daughter again. That was how strong my grudge was, how badly I didn't want to forgive them.

But I did. I put away my ego, and I returned. 

Although I've been caught in between two homes ever since, I really enjoy being a Pasir Ris girl again. I find myself back in the sadness of 2012, yet at the same time, the glee and joy of the other years of my previous life.

I find myself in 2008, when I was still so obsessed with anime and all things part of the Japanese culture. When I would sit on the computer for hours catching up on seasons of different series; when I would listen to only strictly JRock and JPop on the bus trip to school; when I would sit at my desk drawing stupid little manga versions of me. When I learnt that being proud and letting people know what you like was easy.

I find myself in 2009, when I started writing in my diaries again. When I would sit at my desk religiously every night and write about how I was feeling, what had happened during the day. When I wrote shallow entries that did not make me cry or frown in anger as I was writing. When I could so easily handle my emotions myself, and just love the people who were around me.

I find myself in 2010, when I would go for walks around when I was upset. When I would plug in my earpiece, listen to that one song that hits me hard, on repeat. When Pasir Ris Park was my true home, where there was nobody around but the ghosts of the past. When there was nothing to reminisce but happy childhood memories. When I understood that sometimes we gotta let our loved ones be alone for a while.

I find myself in 2011, when I was attached to the PS3. When I would sit on it for hours, defeating swarms of soldiers with my throwing knives, or shooting the heads off zombies with my favourite weapon, the shotgun. When I myself thought it was okay to neglect other people in order to game. When I knew how it felt like to vent your frustrations on virtual enemies.

I find myself in 2012, when my love for my parents were through the roof no matter what. When our friendship wasn't as close as before, which I took as chances to improve bonds with them. When I wasn't under the same roof every day of the week, which I used to appreciate every moment with them more. When I was broken, but tried to fix myself by being with them.

You never knew me when I was a Pasir Ris girl. You never knew me when I had a bedroom, when I had a PS3, when I had my parents. You never knew me when I had no grudges. Here I am, re-enacting that person I was, being happy again. I've learnt that doing this isn't for you, but for my own good. It's your loss that you didn't take the chance I offered to get to know me better in a different light.

It doesn't matter. I don't need you anymore. I have other things to spend my time on. I'm not a Paya Lebar girl anymore; I'm not broken like I had been; I'm not a scared girl hiding under a beanie and pile of hair anymore; I'm not heavy with anger, or grudge, or memories that I can't let go. I'm not the girl you had met a year ago.

I've grown taller, and become lighter, my heads are up higher, and I shall be happier. I'm letting go of you now. Thank you again for everything. Good luck finding another girl who would appreciate you, dismiss your flaws, and do her best for you.

Dedication

No idea what the hell happened. One minute, I was crying at the side of the road, because I was lost as fuck and my emotions were overwhelming. Lost+emotional=one big mess. The next minute, I woke up with a blocked nose, a burning throat and a super high fever.

The funny thing was, I woke up in my bed at Pasir Ris, when I'm very sure that night I'd been supposed to go back to Paya Lebar. I remember, Jalan Baiduri, or Telok Kurau lorong J or H, I can't recall, that area, I'm very sure it's towards Paya Lebar.

Just did some research, and I've gotten sick because I didn't drink alcohol when I was already super used to it. But you know what? Even if so, even if I don't remember what the hell happened, I definitely did not. Touch. Alcohol. And I will never.

I say I will go one week without it, so I will fucking go one week without it. No matter how sick I get, I'd deal with it. And once my week is up, whatever I deserve, I will fucking get it.

____

Diary entry from 7th October, 2013. 

Yes, I am writing. Writing, not blogging, with the pen my best friend gave me, in the journal my aunt presented me with. Why am I writing? I don't know what else to do. It's so difficult to even talk to you.

Times have changed. Months have passed, and things definitely wouldn't stay the same. Those cliche quotes on Tumblr, always stating the reason why relationships don't work out is because one person stops 'chasing'. I don't mean to push the blame, but in this case, it's definitely you.

In the past, you were always so excited to talk to me. You always found joy in being in a conversation with me, just being silly, and you get worried if I don't reply in three minutes. Not to forget, I'd fall asleep in the middle of talking to you, and I'd wake up to see tons of texts from you.

Now, you'd reach home, end the conversation with "I'm gonna game now." You leave me waiting for you til past midnight, only to tell me "I'm going to sleep now." It's so difficult to talk to you. Even telling you straight out Hey, I wanna talk to you doesn't work anymore. What's happened to you???

I still melt when you look at me. Heck, just a glance from you and I'm already feeling butterflies. I still love daydreaming about you kissing me. I daydream about you all the time at work! The way your eyelashes fall against the hollow of your cheekbones... Yes, I peek at your face when we kiss. I can't resist.

My point is,... I'm still chasing you. I always will, you know. My feelings for you still feel like a crush. There're still so many things I must know about you, so many dates I want to go on with you, so many places to explore with you.

I'm not done chasing you. I wish you'd feel the same.

I'm writing this because there's no other way to let it out. I don't have the chance to even talk with you, and even if I do, you'd just think that all I've written in this entry is bullshit. Like you always do.

I miss you. I miss you in any way possible. I miss your touch; I miss talking to you; I miss who you are, or were, when we first met. I'm sorry if my difficulties have changed you. I'm trying to get you back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

____

I knew from back then already, that you were losing interest for me. I tried not to let that go further, I thought I tried to get you back. I was on the verge of giving up, but I held on. Did I not try hard enough, I wonder?

You once told me to list the times and things I've done for or sacrificed for you, but honestly if you ask me heads on like that, I can't give you the answers. I do remember my last sacrifice for you, and that is your 17th birthday.

You knew how much I hated birthdays. You knew you hadn't managed to do anything for my 18th, no matter how badly I'd wanted to see you. Yet, on your 17th, I did my best to give you a special birthday, because you had never celebrated your day before.Was that not good enough..?

I tried to be nicer to you, because I did not want to lose you.
Just like how you were so nice to me, because you wanted to gain me.

When you came to me, I was still trying so hard to push everyone away. I didn't want you near me, but you tried your damndest to make me change my mind about that. You were so nice, you tried to cheer me up when I was down. In the end, you won.

If you could melt my heart like that when I didn't want you, why can't I do the same for you now when you don't want me anymore? Is it because you've never had anyone fight for you this way before, like how I never had anyone so determined to break down my walls, the way you did...?

When you say "I don't deserve you", do you mean that you're too good for me, or that I'm too good for you? Because either way, I'd still want you. If you're too good for me, I promise I'd try to be that better person you deserve. If I'm too good for you, I promise I'd try to help you be that better person for me.

I'm sorry I hadn't tried hard enough. I'm sorry I let you lose your interest in me, just like that. But I'm so, so, so, so, so, willing to try, like I've said so many times... I swear, with my parents around me now, I'm gonna be so much better for you. Just let me. I plead.

____

Luke

This special friend, whom I'd met about a year ago now. At that time, I'd only heard of him, stories and tales of the chaos they got themselves into, silly shit that they did which made me laugh, made me want to meet him.

Before I met him I was judging him, I'd thought he was the kind who's open, noisy as hell at first meeting, shit like that. But when we met, he was so shy and awkward, even with a mutual companion between us. I could see him shivering, though at that time I thought it was just the cold.

He was cute too, with his little fang at the side of his mouth when he smiled. Together with his best friend, they were super annoying, and I remember how they purposely held hands to spite me, and how I tried so hard to come between them.

The first time we talked, without having the faggot as our mutual friend, was in April, two days before my first day of school. At that time the two of them were having their bitch fight, quite a horrible one I must say, and I was caught in between.

This one time, I tried to get them to eat pizza with me, without knowing that the other was gonna be present. The faggot came, but his best friend realised my trick, and refused to come because he was there. I was such a failure.

I should have tried harder to patch them up, and I did, but I thought it was a good time to learn more about him. At that time I hadn't had my own best friend, and I was really jealous of their close friendship. I guess that's how my own friendship with this special friend evolved.

Just a few days of conversation and he was already picking on me the way a best friend would. I felt bad that I was stealing someone's best friend when I was supposed to patch them up, but up til now I've no regrets. Because he is an amazing person.

I'd always known about how he really liked all things Science. I tried to make our conversations revolve around such topics, asked him some questions to get him talking. It was a great way to get him talking, and I really liked listening to him go on about what he really liked.

Time passed and our conversations became more random and sillier, talking about all kinds of shit, especially when his best friend was neglecting me. It was nice talking to this friend, and listening to him; I really appreciated how we talked about anything without being afraid of getting judged of the other. And he did tell me he was grateful for the fact that I didn't judge him for anything he said.

September came. His best friend and I had our first breakup, which he had been involved in. Maybe we had gotten a little too much closer than we were supposed to.

Things between the faggot and I were fine again, and I was just randomly playing with his phone when I saw his best friend's texts to him. He mentioned how I was an annoying little prick and that he was thankful that "at least now I don't have to layan that girl anymore".

That really hurt me, I couldn't hide that. All along, I really thought he liked talking to me, that he was grateful to have me because no one else ever listened to him. He really said that, and I really thought that, but I guess I was wrong. I was so angry and from then on I called him nothing but a hypocrite.

One day in October he sent me a long text, explaining that he'd only been saying mean stuff about me so that the faggot wouldn't get the wrong idea about us. Kind of protecting our friendship. I tried to shun it and call it an excuse and remain angry at him, but a larger part of me decided to take it, forgive him, and revert our friendship back to before. Just not closer than the faggot would've liked.

We seldom hung out, but this friend and I developed a real special friendship there. I liked to think the three of us as a happy family, the faggot being the husband and this special friend as our son. Because that's how he was like; I liked how he would always whine to me, or tell me about his fears, or get angry at me when I was having pizza and he was not. He was like a spoilt brat, but a really loveable one. Like how your own son or daughter would be to you.

I was constantly asking him more and more questions about Science, and he was also one of the first few people I'd told I wanted to be an engineer. He talked to me about anything Science, from stars to pumping of blood to some carbon monoxide shit. Because I asked.

And the time this friend and I went town together, as a replacement for the faggot who backed out last minute. How we hunted for the perfect pair of shoes for him, because he had mentioned wanting new shoes, for such a long time, and I was so hell bent on getting those for him.

Once, he mentioned that I was closer to him than his own best friend was, and that I knew him better than he did. I felt terrible for that, I was betraying the faggot, I was making his best friend betray him; but it was nice to know that I meant something to someone.

Every time I had problems with the faggot, I'd try talking to this friend first, because he was after all the one who knows him the best. Sure, most of the time when I'm being sad to him, his response would be annoying, the jokes coming at the absolutely wrong timing.

I'm not sure when he said this, but I remember so fucking clearly how he once said: "If he ever left you, for real, without ever coming back, I promise I'll be the first person to lend you a shoulder to cry on."

I'm not sure if he remembers this, or was it really said in this one simple sentence, maybe it was lines exchanged between us, but hey guess what. He kept the promise. He kept it, he listened to me whine last Monday, he stroked my hair and held me while I cried, he struggled bringing me back to the MRT station while I was tipsy as hell.

That's why, along with this incident, you keeping your promise, I believe you're a good guy. You were an awesome good friend to me, and I know for a fact that you're gonna go further than your best friend, despite having the least experience in love among your group of friends.

I can tell, that when you find someone, you're gonna be a fucking prince who treats her like she's the only person in your eyes. I may not know you before, I may not know you like how your other classmates do, but fuck it I know a good guy when I see one. I'd like to believe that whatever you've told me, your fears and your dreams, are true and sincere, and you mean every fucking thing you've ever said to me, and for that,... I really believe you're gonna be awesome in love someday.

Honestly, a part of me wishes that I can be that girl. It's a tiny crush that I've gotten since that night with you, after my break-up. When I realised how pretty your brown eyes were, and that little fang at the side of your mouth when it's open ajar. You're really handsome you know that, and you're such a loveable character on the inside too. As much as I wish it'd be me, I hope you find someone soon. Someone who loves you as much as you love her, like how you told me you'd wanted.

You don't have to return me the money for your shoes. You deserve to keep the money more than I do, and just take it as a thank you from me. Because, well, thank you. For being a really good friend, for being there when I needed cheering up, for being annoying and making me angry, for being my only hope in moving on.

P.s. a side note: the thing in September makes me realise that he may or may not still be a hypocrite, he may be still bad-mouthing me to the faggot and their other classmates, I don't know, but I'd like to believe not.

One week without drinking!?

Met up with Siying two days ago, probably my last drink til whenever. She challenged me to go one week without drinking a drop of alcohol, and I took it. I'm gonna do it!

But guess what? One day in, and I'm already dying. I went yesterday without that shit, and I think that in itself is a pretty amazing thing. I know that once I'm addicted to something I won't be able to go that long without it, but hey I can do this.

It isn't as easy as it seems though. But I know I gotta stop this shit before it makes an impact on my future blablabla *insert some lecture about the impacts of alcohol here* kay.

So here I am in school, it's programming now but I can't help getting distracted. I've no choice but to take the ring out of my nose in class, so that I can fucking breathe. But I still have to push it back in at other times, because I can't deny I look stupid with it.

[When I say push it in, I mean push it up my nose because it's the only way to hide it. Pull it out is displaying it, if you get what I mean. I can't remove it, because I don't want the hole to close. It cost me twenty bucks kay] [I can hear you say "Siape suruh pierce?" shut up.]

Honestly, I don't know what's in it for me. I don't drink for one week, and then what? What do I get? A chance to get back with you? I wanna hope so, but my brain tells me no. But my heart tells me to just try, because I never know. Sigh. Sigh x1000.

Just a rant. Get back to you soon, I have someone special to write about later.

A source of hope

I found a piece of hope.

When he left, he told me he lost interest in me. I wasn't moving him the way I had before. He'd seen all my tricks, whatever I'd had up my sleeve would be nothing special because he'd seen everything.

Two days after, I had gone back to my old house in Pasir Ris. It was a long year and then some, but I realised I still got along with my parents. The last time I cried to the faggot, he told me I should try to go back to them. I didn't want to, but he told me to just try. Look what I did. I guess it was mainly for him too, thanks to his words.

At first it felt like I was just a guest. A distant relative staying over for a few days. But time went on and I slowly felt like we were friends, just like how it was back in 2011 and beyond.

And then I realised, that you never knew me when I had my family. You never knew me when I was a Pasir Ris girl. You never knew the side of me that had my parents.

I told him this, I told him to give this one more chance because this was a huge piece of hope. With my parents around, I wouldn't be lonely, I wouldn't want to go back late feeling I was neglected at home, I wouldn't be hung up on him over Whatsapp because I would have them to talk to. I would be a different person. And he never knew this person. This side of me.

I'd have outings with my mom to share with you. I'd be gaming with my little brother because he forces me to, and I'd not be bothered when you were too hooked on yours. I'd have a kitchen and oven to cook and bake for you, which I'd never been able to do for you. I would have a bed and a desk, lesser things to complain to you about. I'd have a longer journey back from school, so I would want to hurry back and not ask you to stay longer whenever we go out.

I felt like it was my only hope that I was hanging on, it was a thread, yet it was a thick rope that could pull us up easily. I thought we could try. Just one more time; this time, I have my parents.

I'm sorry, but I just really like being with you. I really like getting irritated by you, and irritating you back in return, and forcing you to go shopping with me til your face is all sulky. I'm sorry that I hadn't managed to make you keep your feelings for me, but I'm so, so, so willing to keep trying for you, to keep working on that.

If you would just say "Ugh, fine", just a simple one like that, I'll be the happiest girl in the world because then I'd have a grandma, my secondary girlfriends, my parents, and you, which is the best family ever!

Alcohol adventures / Holland Village

I guess I'll write one of my alcoholic days each week. Although I can't deny that yes, I've been drinking everyday and yes, I've gone through all kinds of chaos each time. But I'll write about one, because I've nothing else to blog about. My life is empty.

Anyway, here are my Alcohol Adventures, version Monday 20.1.

I came class for freaking Shan, who didn't even turn up. Because he is a betrayer! We ended class about an hour earlier, to see him waiting at the lobby of the first floor checking us all out.

We made our way to his turf, Holland Village, talking about how fucked up my life had been. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this but Shan's also a budding writer, and we talked about the books we wanted to write in the future.

I bought churros, which he didn't really like because they were sweet, and when his friend finally came we made our way to get us some drinks. It was my first time drinking with others, because most of the time it was just a solitary affair.

Drinking with Shan took a lot of trust, as well as drinking with me did for him. I guess you could call it a bonding session. Har. I met a new friend though, but I didn't catch his name apart from the first four letters, Kish. They got beer I think, while I just got my usual 8.4 and Q, which are my current favourite brands.

I've never been to Holland Village before! As much as I didn't want to, [because I was supposed to be angry at the world, har] I couldn't help getting excited having my feet stepping on new land. Now I can colour in one more yellow circle in my MRT map!

So, back to serious business, the three of us found somewhere to sit and just, well, quenched our thirsts. Somehow the main topic fell on me, and I ended up telling my recent story. About my heartbreak and confusion and wanting to rebel and change from who I was supposed to be, just to hide my pain. Sigh.

Of course, after one bottle I was already tipsy as fuck, and the world was already starting to spin. Shan and Kish kept telling me about how I can find someone else, how someone else would accept me, and how he'd be a million times more perfect than my most recent heartbreak.

As everyone knows I'm a stubborn piece of fuck, so I did all I could do disagree and go against his words, tossing arguments to prove otherwise. I got lectured like fuck in return, until I just gave up and flopped to one side.

And then Shan started getting all emotional lecture on me, telling me that I can't be this way forever and that I just have to have faith that things will get better and that the faggot ain't everything, blablabla until I finally allowed to let a few tears slip, as angry as I'd wanted to remain.

They just had one can each, and their tolerance is definitely way higher than mine so I was pretty much wasted already compared to them. They asked me to join them in soccer, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't help remembering memories associated with soccer.

What's more, I could barely walk straight, what with the alcohol and tears and overwhelming emotion. The strongest presence that was holding me back was myself I suppose, because I just told myself that I don't want to walk!, and just like that I flopped onto whatever wall was nearby.

In the end, my good friend Shan had to carry me. I remember because I was protesting so bad, practically screaming for him to put me down, Put me down you bitch, I can walk straight! but he had me quiet with a simple Shut up. And it didn't seem like he was putting me down anytime anyway.

He did put me down eventually, but I thought that was a great mistake because I remember straightway crashing to the ground and just staying there, curled in a ball, praying for the faggot to come pick me up. Thinking back, that was embarrassing as hell because we were drinking in a part of the housing estate so people would naturally be everywhere.

Still stubborn as hell. Still believing that things will go back to normal, the way it was in 2013, with the same guy, not better, not with another person. Still got lectured like crazy, still stubborn like crazy.

And in the end, I discovered something which made all of Shan's efforts go to waste. If you knew about it you probably wouldn't blame me but it's okay, I shall shoulder all the burden instead, whatever. I got so angry at him, telling him he'd made me feel more like shit instead of better.

I didn't even want to look at him, I didn't even say bye when my bus came. I was sobering up, but I was so angry, so upset, I didn't know where home was, the emotions were so fucking overwhelming it was all I could do not to cry.

Still fighting???

Eight days down. Was it really just one week? It feels like an entire year, decade even. All the tears I had cried, all the anger I had let out, all the bullshit I had gotten myself into. Was all that really in the space and time of one week?

Eight days down since you left, but you were already gone way before that. I thought I tried. I'd always been confused with what you wanted, space or attention, but I'd always tried to give you a dose of both at the right times. I tried not to get angry when you were being a frustrating little bitch, and even when I did, I put away my ego to say sorry.

Did I really not try? Was there really no effort that you saw from me? Did you really see no more reason to have feelings for me anymore?

It's still a shock, I can't deny. For you to just leave with an excuse like that, despite all the effort I had put in. The effort that we put in. You can't forget the things you'd done for me. It's a lot. We both know you've done so much more for me than I have for you, that's why I'd found it difficult to even imagine leaving you. So why...? Ugh.

What about how you had always wanted someone who likes you the way you are? What about how you lack self-esteem but in my eyes you are so fucking perfect? Isn't that what you wanted? And someone who would stay no matter what? Have I not made you happy? Even if I haven't, what if I'm willing to try again? Does effort not touch your heart?

I know I was never perfect to you. How I'm not as religious as you are, how I don't love God as much as you do. How I wasn't understanding and I was short-tempered. What if I'm willing to put away these emotions for you?

Remember how you told me that I have friends now, and that I didn't need you? What if I told you that right now, all the things I wanna share with someone, I still wanna share with you? What if no matter how happy I get I still wanna share all that funny shit with you? Don't you dare tell me I can do that as friends. Don't you dare.

I pierced my nose because you liked to pinch it. Now I can't even touch it because it stings on the inside, but at least I can get my hands off that memory. It hurts to be left behind. You, of all people, should know how I feel about that. That's why I never dared do that to you.

Even when I was so angry, so badly wanted you to fuck off, at the end of the day I'll just go back to you because I could not stand the thought of leaving you. After a while you become a darling again and my feelings will go back to normal. Get it? It's the thought of leaving that is so scary, like you're letting go of a chance. I don't know how you can do it.

Ugh. I don't know okay. I'm really trying. I'm so damn lost without you, so dead, all the colour drained from my face and my life. And one more thing, it's just so damn unfair that you were the one who tackled me first, who made me fall in love with you, only to just leave because you lost interest. It's so goddamned cruel. But you know what? Even if so, I'll forgive you for that. Like I always did.

No matter how beaten up I get I'm still gonna stand and fight for what I want.

Kate

Here's a little something I want to share with you my dear. I read a book, a non-fiction about this girl named Kate. She was so innocent, quiet in school and always burying her nose in a book. So damn innocent.

She fell in love with James, a guy who had been on heroin for some time now. She wanted to stay out of it, but temptation called her into it. James helped her get her first shot of heroin up her arm; and from then on, she was hooked on it.

Months pass and she finally admitted she was a heroin addict. James at this point had gone to rehab and had successfully became clean of the addiction. He stayed with Kate still, trying to help her out of it as well. He failed.

Time went on and James realised he was better off without her. He loved her, but he couldn't stay with her because of her addiction to heroin. He left her, started a new life on his own, while he left her fending for herself, trying to find the money to feed the habit; whether or not she managed to quit the addiction was none of his business.

Don't you think it's really unfair? That he had been the one who had dragged the innocent girl into the addiction, and yet when he managed to escape from it, he left her to the depths of it? Just like what I did to you.

This is my proof that I'd stay. I know I can't return you what I took from you... I don't know what to do with it either. But since I've improved from it, I should help you do so as well since I'm the one who dragged you down. I'm sorry my darling, you can't see it but I really hope my trying is visible.

Just let me

I'm currently staying in Pasir Ris. The place I'd tried to avoid the whole of last year, the place I was supposed to call home, the place I most thought did not deserve such a name.

Why am I here?? I don't know. I don't like waking up to see my old bedroom all around. I don't want to get used to it either. It just feels weird, and not right at all. Maybe I'm here because I am a coward, running away from something once it starts being different.

What was Paya Lebar without my granny and that faggot? What was 'home' when she wasn't sleeping next to me or when his arms were gone from around me? What was life without the old woman who was still strong enough to take care of a worthless child like me, what was life without the cutiepie who made me laugh and swoon so easily?

I can't deny that the faggot is what pulled my life together. How many times have I looked at him whenever he's laughing, telling myself "This is it. The guy I'm in love with." How many times have I been grateful for him, how many times I'd wanted to give up but just could not.

...So cruel of you.I still remember so clearly last October, how you told me you had fallen in love with me: ten months after we got together. It hurt me so bad and I thought maybe this isn't the happiness I desire. But I went on, hoping I could change you, believing you would change yourself. Because faith.

Thinking back, I'm shocked to see you leave just like that. Because you've "lost interest and feelings". I remember, how before we met, you were so lonely and badly needed someone to love and to love you back. You found me. I thought you'd be thankful for that, I thought you'd wanted me for as long as you could, after saying all that to me about how nobody ever liked you for who you are.

Thinking back what your best friend said: about how you only wanted me because of my looks? About how you just wanted to show me off for a while? Even if it's true, you know how I'd shown you who I really am. Even the bad points, which you so readily accept again and again. And vice versa. Why did you let it go to waste just like that? Why couldn't you forget your main reason of coming after me, and just focus on how things have been between us as time passed on? No?

As your other friend, from tertiary, had said: "On the verge of giving up, remember why you held on for so long. " Instead of just accepting the fact that you didn't love me at all why didn't you just remember all the patience you had given me, all the times you wanted to leave but had stayed, because I know you had those moments. Or maybe think of what I've done for you?? Whatever memory we made together?? Because whenever I wanted to give up on you I think of what you've gone through for me and I changed my mind.

You could have given this another chance. I know you're better than that. Like how I always believed in you. It's just so saddening to remember how you always wanted someone, and when you found me, you just got tired of me and ended up dumping me one year later. Those goddamned promises of yours doe.

Just let me try again. It hurts to sit in the sidelines watching my misery unfold when I know I can do better for you. I'm sorry I was not perfect but I'll do better. ...Just let me.

Nothing

So what have I got to talk about? My past few days have been nothing but a wreck. I am the wreck. There's nothing to talk about anymore it seems. I can type properly though! Really fast too! Would you even read this??? I'm nothing but ugly, and drunk, and imperfect, and not worth loving anymore.

Was I really??? I thought I did so much for him. Not the best but my best. Was that not good enough??? I don't understand. I thought everything would be okay. I did all I could. I don't understand. I don't understand.



Luqman has thrown a million more arrows into my heart by making me read the English lyrics of this song.

The hell am I doing here? The hell is he doing? The hell is the reason for him doing this?

I'm not just a wreck, I'm not just shattered, I'm empty. Drunk or not, I still feel dead. Dead. Empty. Just filling up space for nothing. This space could be given to someone more deserving right?

God should take me away soon, stop giving me chances to repent because I'm always disappointed Him. Just take me away when I'm wasted so I'll def go to Hell. Kan???

I deserve being held like this

I'm not sure where to start this story from. The wee hours of yesterday? The first day of the year? Or back to October?

If I start this story from the wee hours of yesterday, you'll know that he had just texted me at 1 in the morning, saying we can't meet or go out anymore, but we can still be together and just text. I saw no point of that, so I ignored him; but the very next morning, 6 hours later, I had to tell him, Please take back whatever you said last night back. All he could say was I was serious about that.

If I start this story from the first day of the year, you'll know that I had not been a bitch to him those days, and before that even, and that I did not do anything wrong and I do not deserve this.

If I start this story from back in October, you'll know that he had suddenly told me, "I think I'm in love with you." "What do you mean?", I had asked; and he had answered, that he had just fallen in love with me and that the whole time before since January, he never had any feelings like that for me. And if I continue the story from this point, you'll know that his most recent reason of dumping me was "I don't have feelings for you anymore." If this does not make him the asshole of this story I don't know what does.

____

He said we were meeting for the last time. I did not get what that meant, but I had hoped I could make him change his mind. I tried to write a letter, but I had lost that skill. My handwriting was in shambles, and I did not know what I was saying so I tossed it aside.

I went up to him with a frown on his face. I did not deserve that. He brought me somewhere we could talk, and once we were seated I just lashed out whatever was on my mind. I did not tell him the story about Kate and James, which would have been a good argument on my side.

I hated how he got up when I wasn't finished talking. I'm not sure when, but at one point when he told me to accept his decision, it was all I could do not to wail. I interlocked his arm with both of mine and kept wailing, "Don't leave, just stay."

"You're making a scene," he said, but I was not. "You're making things difficult for me," but I was not. He was.

"I don't deserve this," I said.

"Nobody does."

I did not understand.

And I still did not understand when he just said he had "lost his feelings" for me. I thought I did my best to make him happy and listen to him and to not pull him further from God anymore. I thought I gave him space and checked on him sometimes and not be a bitch when he made me upset, I thought I did everything I could, why would he suddenly say that?

It was all I could do to persuade him I'll try harder, harder than I ever had if he weren't pleased with my efforts. I was trying not to cry but that was an absolute failure, like my persuasions were. I had to take his bag from him and not return it before he totally snapped.

"Then what the hell did you save me for, what the hell did you make me stop all my habits for?"

"I cleaned you up for someone else to have you, okay?" his voice was raised, but he lowered it in his next sentence. "You deserve someone else, you're so pretty who wouldn't want you?"

"It'll take me long to have someone accept the way I am on the inside, like you did! And I don't want anyone else, I want you!"

"You don't have a choice," he muttered.

"When have I ever had a choice?" was all I could say, because it was true: he never let me have a say in his decisions that involved us, and even with my parents, I never had a choice.

"You are making things hard for me," he kept saying, which I could only answer with "Then just say you'll stay and I won't make it hard for you." I was getting frustrated by the minute, and it was slowly evolving into anger. What happened to the things I had told him? About how you gotta think of what you've ever done for me and vice versa, you can't let that all go to waste.

It was so unfair. So many times, I'd thought of giving up but I'd always given him the chances I thought he deserved, because it was not all about me, it was all about us. What happened to the promises we made? He said he would only stay if he was sure I would, and I definitely did. He was being so unfair, I did not deserve it!

I did not deserve it at all.

When he was gone, I didn't know what to do. I wanted a drink, and I wanted something strong enough to make me forget everything for a while, but I was scared because nobody would take care of me. The despicable side of me told me to call his best friend; so I did. I rang Luke up. I tried to tell him what happened but my voice just went into shambles; he just told me to come to Marsiling.

____

So many places here with memories already. It's gonna be hard for me to travel now, especially in the North, because of the asshole of this story.

I kept repeating to myself: "I don't deserve this."

The clinking sound of the glass bottles in my plastic bag was the only sound accompanying me, as I walked through this tiny field in front of 402, where Luke was waiting. I saw him from afar with his hand raised, so high in the air. I gave a small wave in return.

"What the hell happened?" was the first thing he asked, and I tried not to cry. I said: "He dumped me." "Again?" Luke had to say, but he was right. "It's serious this time." I mumbled.

We sat down on these little benches under a hut, and I tried to say what happened. I told him about what happened between us before, while taking sips of my alcohol; he kept quiet when I was done, but he eventually said, "I'm sorry to say this, but I knew this all along. He did tell me about it, how he had already lost his interest in you for so long now."

All I could say: "I don't deserve this."

All Luke could say, exactly what his best friend said: "Nobody does."

I still did not understand.

Luke said: "It's the way he is. He's super selfish. He just wanted you because what?; you were pretty. He just wanted to show you off and shit. And as usual he loses interest and just dumps you."

"I thought I was special. He never had any of his crushes becoming his girlfriends before, he said that. Why would he do this?"

"He will always be him, he will always put aside girls he doesn't like anymore, after a period of time."

I finished my first bottle.

By this time, Luke and I were talking about other subjects, mainly crap. After a few false alarms of wanting to puke, I was done with my bottles. I tried to let out my feelings, I tried to laugh but there only came out tiny burps. Luke laughed and said I was cute. I just started to cry again because I didn't want him to call me cute.

It was all I could do not to cry. The world started spinning and I could just lower myself down til my head was in his lap. I buried my face in my hair and started groaning, which slowly became wails, and then loud Banshee bawls [as he would call it], calling out the asshole of this story's name.

One of his arms wrapped around me, while he used his other hand to stroke my hair. He tried to coax me, with his shushes, while I kept bawling, occasionally saying his best friend's name. The gesture of comfort from Luke just made me cry harder, I deserved being held like that, but I kept mumbling: "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this."

"Nobody does."

And I just cried harder.

____

I'm not sure how long we stayed that way, but it was getting late; I could barely get up, my head was throbbing so bad. Luke held out his hand for me, and I held onto it for whatever support I could have. His fingers interlocked with mine and that just made me want to cry some more.

I tried to walk, but I remember seeing messy shots of the floor; I was walking here, and then I was walking there. I was walking forwards, and then I was walking back. My bag slipped off my shoulder, and Luke tried his damndest to help me carry my backpack by both straps so it wouldn't keep falling.

He was the best support ever, I know because I remember everything. Maybe because my tipsy behaviour this time was the worst ever. I felt like I was dancing instead of walking, forward, back, left, and right. I laughed a lot too. Gotta salute Luke for whatever patience he'd had for me.

I saw the ground, spinning, but I could hear what Luke was saying. "No, no, E'indah, this way... Stop going backwards E'indah, there you go..." His tone was so gentle and patient, I wouldn't have believed it was him. I wouldn't have believed the arm around me and the hand in mine were his either.

"I've never had 8.4 percent before!" I remember I kept saying. "My alcohol tolerance is so weak!!" and then I laughed, and Luke just had to keep me entertained.

Because of how I had observed traffic lights at a cross junction, I knew when the red man was turning green, so I tried to cross the street before it did, to show off. All Luke could do was grab me from behind and say, "No no E'indah, not yet kay.", even with that patient tone of his.

We crossed the road with his hand on my backpack, a tight grip, and I remembered how I had held him by his backpack like that when we were crossing roads.

I kept calling him by his best friend's name. This I remember, because when at one point I was about to say Luqman instead, I'd choked back the word and told myself No, this is not Luqman, this is the love of your life, things are okay now.

But you know what? I couldn't be fooled. If I had been drunk like that around 'Aamir, he would have just literally left me like that at the side of the road.

When I looked up I saw Luqman, and his face was so stressed out, I felt so bad for making him do this. Yet at the same time I was glad he was there and not anybody else, and I just, yeah. Cried harder.

Pursue mechanical engineering after this?

I really enjoy programming. I've only played with HTML a little, and I've only done C for one and a half semesters, but I feel like I'm already in love with all these codes shit!

I've been making C programs on my own accord these days, just for the fun of it. Ask any engineering student if they'd make a C program for fun, and they'd most probably say no. [and for all I notice, engineering students everywhere find programming a burden]

If you remember my Thanks for the Smiles of 2013 post, I'd written a little note for everyone who had given me reason to be happy in 2013. Right after tweeting its link, I tweeted to make sure you check it in case it has your name on it.

Thinking about it, it was probably troublesome to search for your name, wasn't it, if you thought my 'categories' didn't help you find your place. That's why I thought I'd make a program for it.

Using my knowledge on switch and cases, I made a program whereby I list up the people I had featured, in alphabetical orders. You find your name, and when you see it, you type in your corresponding number and there would appear my note for you.

It was actually really simple, it just required a lot of copy and paste from my blog post, and a bit of edits here and there with the \n especially, to make the output look neater. I added a loop but I couldn't get my system("cls") to work, so I'd scratched that.

Of course, I could only show it to people via my laptop. I had no idea how to transfer a C file onto anywhere on the net for anyone to see and enter their numbers without having me to hand my laptop over. So far I've only shown it to Shi Hui, Wai Kit and Faiz.

I've had thoughts of learning C++ during my next holidays.

I'd just been thinking about how my mom actually did want me to be a reporter. But I remember her specifying that she wanted me to be a reporter, aka a woman in a shirt and skirt who sits behind a desk and read the news out to the camera in front of her. Even then I still defied her expectations of me.

And then here I am, scratching away whatever dreams I'd had of being in the media field, because I've fallen for something else.

The modules I'm learning here and so much easier than I'd expected; I've realised that I'm smart, but I'm lazy [big fat problem right there]. I used to hate lab, but I had fun during my latest DAELN and EMPTS sessions.

There's a Rapit Transit Technology course in Nitec, adjoined with SMRT, teaching knowledge and skills like maintaining all the systems and railway tracks of the MRT. What's more there're also attachments, so there's opportunity for real-work exposure.

Feels like it's so damn perfect for me, what with my current interest in all these things in MRTs. To think it all started with a fascination for the map; now it evolved into a whole new passion for the industry. [I guess my love for the MRT map and sudden liking towards engineering just fused together]

I've been thinking of getting another diploma in engineering after getting my current course one. Right now I'm in a course for Electronics and Computer, but I've been thinking of pursuing some form of mechanical or railway engineering course afterwards. Another diploma, or a degree maybe. What do you think?

I'm not forcing myself to leave behind writing. I just know it's not for me. Never will be.

Link: why I'm suddenly so determined in engineering

How I'd survive first day of school??

First day of school, eh? I was just doing a bit of reminiscing, remembering the few times I'd had first days of school. Primary, secondary, most recently tertiary. Thinking back, I find it hard to believe that I'd survived all that.

Before I get to my point, I'm just gonna remember my very first day of tertiary. Of course, that was way different than my first day of kindergarten, or primary school, or secondary. In tertiary, I was aware of these things called self-esteem, and judgments.

That first day, I stepped onto the train, and already felt nervous. Being on the train already had an impact, knowing I was in my own clothes, not a uniform, and heading to somewhere called 'school', not just to town or some other place. You bet it felt weird.

There was an existence of self-esteem, and I was even more aware of the fact that I lacked that. It made things hard for me, when I thought of how I looked like. Did I look okay? Would they think I was weird, or ugly? So many thoughts on my mind.

I can't lie to you, nobody can; first days at a new school will always have these thoughts. This lack of self-esteem, this thought that everyone is looking at you and deciding whether you're alright or not to them.

But you know what? Whatever you feel, everyone in your new class will feel it too. Remember you aren't the only new girl there aren't you? Everyone's new, everyone's nervous, everyone is looking at you, as afraid as you are of being looked at.

First day of school, I'd keep low. I wouldn't want to be loud because that will get people avoiding you. I'm not the type to go over and introduce myself first, but you gotta keep a friendly face instead of a frown so people will approach you if you're a shy person.

Surviving first day of school is actually really easy. At least, you can make it easy. And if you can, then the rest of the school year will be a breeze, just slowly open up more, joke around when you can and just, yeah, be yourself, as cliche as it sounds.

But you should know that you would be forced to make friends. There's gonna be ice-breaking and orientation, shit like that, so you don't have to worry.

That's pretty much it: remember that you aren't the only one who's nervous; either go over and talk to someone first or keep a friendly face if you're shy, just so you'll look approachable; and open up slowly. Hope this helps, my ask.fm friend :-)

Thank you for everything

In December, he brought me to have lunch at his school with him; he and I had an argument two days before but he chose to be mature and to put it behind him. He waited for me so we could eat together, even when I was late and he only had an hour's lunch break.

In November, he skipped class to come take care of me when I couldn't get up because of an unusually terrible stomachache; he put aside his ego to buy me menstrual pills and made me eat them in the middle of the way. He bought me hot tea to soothe my stomach; made me laugh to calm my heart.

In October, he immediately knew something was wrong when he laid eyes on me; he listened when I told him about how neglected I'd felt, how he had confused me about what he wanted. He hugged me right there and then, sat me down and made me feel better.

In September, he gave me a chance I did not deserve. I had disappointed him, and even more greatly when I took it out by going back to an old habit. On my 18th birthday, he called me to wish me; I returned the gesture by getting angry that he hadn't made effort to come to Singapore for me. He forgave me.

In August, he brought me to have lunch with his many tertiary classmates; he didn't treat me like I was supposed to be special. He didn't treat me like I was invisible either. Somewhere in between; which was just perfect for me to feel better being there.

In July, I made myself to be trouble when he had invited me to break fast with his secondary classmates. I made them wait for nothing just because I was angry at him; I blamed him for making me not want to attend the gathering, even when it was my fault to have came late.

In June, he made me laugh by making a fool out of himself, and for noticing my little flaws. As usual, he listened to what had made me upset. He watched a movie with me to cheer me up, no matter how late it had gotten.

In May, he let go of my mistake from a month before. It had been unforgivable, and still is, but he decided to drop it and began trusting me again. When I neglected him, he kept quiet; when all the people I thought were my friends ditched me, he didn't hesitate to rush to my side.

In April, I made that mistake. I kept it from him, and when he found out, I was the one who got angry. I put him under stress, but he forgave me and came back again for me. At the end of it, he told me he realised how much I meant to him. I did not deserve such kindness, but he had thought I was worth all of his.

In March, he set aside an entire day for me. He brought me to his turf, the park where he'd cycled, the stadium where he'd jogged. Afterwards, he followed me explore the Northern area of the purple line. He was exhausted, but he kept a straight face the entire day to entertain me and make me happy.

In February, he came over to my workplace to give me a surprise visit; he had came all the way to Pasir Ris from Woodlands, only for 15 minutes before having to go again. I thought he was meeting me again after work; when I'd ended only to find out he wasn't fetching me, and that he was at Woodlands, I got angry at him and did not thank him for the surprise visit. He forgave me.

In January, he found me. He begged me to stop whatever I had gotten myself into in the year before; he tried to persuade me he cared so much for me, that he would never give up on me, even though he just knew me.

And he never did. He never gave up on me since then.

Thank you for everything you have done for me in 2013. Thank you for giving me the chance to do things for you, things I've never done for anyone else. Thank you for forgiving me for all my mistakes in the year, no matter how badly I have hurt you. I'm sorry for my carelessness and lack of gratitude, and for writing so little under your name in my 2013 post.

Coolest trio ever with our knives and shit

It started off innocently. There I was, leaning against 'Aamir while he was drawn into his game. He and his best friend Luqman were engrossed with the PS4, while I sat between them watching. We were in the living room of my own home, as I spotted one of the cats laid down in front of the television.

Soon after 'Aamir and I had gone for a walk downstairs, pass a provision shop where people were gathered. Upon closer inspection we realised most of those people were boys my age, some a little older. No idea why they were gathered, we just moved along.

I'm not sure why, but those guys had caught sight of us and taken a certain unhappiness towards us, judging by the looks they gave. I didn't like it, so I quickly tried to get 'Aamir back home to where Luke was. He gave a slight frown at the direction of the guys but he followed me anyway.

However back home, we realised that there was also a group of boys raiding our home. We were greeted by five of them, probably one or two years older me, with knives in their hands. Luke was nowhere to be found. Of course the first instinct for me and 'Aamir was to get the fuck out of there.

We ran to the eighth floor of the flat, where there was this cement ground of space beside the staircase, sheltered by the floorings of the ninth storey. [you'd get it if you know the layout of my home's flat] We saw the lift coming, and we just suspected it to be the guys from before.

'Aamir told me to stay put and hide, so I did while he ran off. I peeked around the corner, saw that the lift had arrived at the floor and sure enough, it was those hooligans. They didn't notice me, but I saw some running up the stairs, while the rest, down.

When I was sure everything was clear, I ran back down all the way to my own home. It was like a game of block catching, only with knives and hell angry bastards.

After making sure none of them were in my home anymore, I went in to see that all my cats were still safe, though looking shocked. My neighbour crept up on me and told me he had called the police, but I'd had to wait if I needed them; and that way I had to sacrifice 'Aamir. I wasn't gonna do that, so I gave a frown and turned my back on the neighbour.

Back at home, I changed into a comfortable outfit; basically my usual of jeans and my thinnest sweater. I filled my sling bag with knives before hanging it over my shoulder, and slipped on my boots. I passed by the neighbour's house, and he stood in front of his door looking at me, shaking his head.

I checked my phone to see a bunch of missed calls from 'Aamir. There were too a few texts, telling me to hurry up and back him up. I tried calling him but he didn't answer; I took the lift back up to the eighth storey. Making sure no one was outside, I crept to the space beside the stairs, to see blood all over the floor.

I peeked over the railings, to see that some of the guys had gathered about three storeys down; another level which also had that space beside the stairs, where I could overlook from above. I threw knives, killing the three guys which had gathered there.

Done with that, I proceeded to the stairs to go one storey up. I heard something, and got a knife ready in case something jumped at me. I could hear whoever it was just around the corner, and I was prepared to slit his throat before he could have his chance.

I realised it was Luke. We both had knives pointed at the other, along with matching shocked faces. He frowned. "Where the hell is 'Aamir?" he demanded, without lowering his weapon one inch.

I didn't let my guard down either. "Ask yourself. For all we know you could have had something to do with those bastards."

Before I could blink, Luke shot a knife at my direction; he had taken out one of those guys who was creeping up on me. "Would I kill my ally?" he smirked.

"No." I frowned.

I received a call from 'Aamir, and picked up to know that he had ran off to the next block. "I don't see any of them, but I'm pretty sure some of them are still on my trail. There're loads of them..!" he cried.

Luke and I had our turn running to the next block, losing more of our knives on the way killing those people. We reunited with 'Aamir, and gave him a few more of what was left. "Who are those people?" was the first thing he demanded to know. We shrugged.

All three of us now, as we ran back to the block that was raided with the boys. We didn't know who they were, or what they wanted for us, but all we were aware of was that we had to kill them. Even if the only weapons we had were those knives.

We gathered at the fourth floor, the space that resembled a balcony, overlooked from the eighth floor and over the railings at the staircases of the other levels. We made sure we could be seen, yet unreachable by any of their weapons.

Sure enough, very soon the remainder of the gang appeared around us. The three of us stayed in a circle in the middle, keeping one another's backs covered.

When all the bastards [as we had called them] all laid around us blood-soaked and very much dead, the three of us turned to eye one another. We didn't rejoice in our victory; instead, at the same time we took out one last knife, the sharpest we had saved, and pointed at one another's eye; Luke at 'Aamir's, 'Aamir at mine, me at Luke's.

And then I woke up. 

Yes, I am the type to get all kinds of dreams every single time I sleep. I don't know why or how, but I've always had no trouble at all remembering the dreams I had at night. And I'm glad I remember them, because they make great stories.

I thought this one was cool at first, but now that I've written it it just seems funny instead. The three of us being that cool, can you even imagine? It makes me laugh! I CAN'T. [and I swear to you I'm not that fit or good with knives in reality, so fuck me]

Thank you for the smiles of 2013

2013 was like the light at the end of the tunnel; the tunnel being the dreadful year of 2012. I've met so many people, although to have made space for these friendships I had to let go of some. I let go of the past, of a family, of previous classmates; nevertheless I'm really thankful for everyone who has made my 2013 wonderful at respective points of time.

These people are the ones who had made my first few months in Ngee Ann Polytechnic wonderful; they had eased the transition of my loneliness in sec 5 to a new school in year 1, and for that I am really thankful.

Thank you Shafiq for making me laugh all the time in class just by being yourself, even when I was in a horrible mood. For sharing a few interests as me and for drawing little cartoon versions of me. For being there to encourage me because we were in the same boat, detesting engineering. We may not be in the same class anymore but I'm gonna work hard this time so your words won't be in vain.

Thank you Qi Hong and Edwin for being a hilarious pair, Qi Hong for your contagious laughter and Edwin for your lame jokes [which nevertheless never failed to make me laugh] and disturbing Qi Hong. For helping me when I have questions in class and being patient with me til I got it.

Thank you Hadi for the occasional encouragement texts, and asking me how I am, although I never got the chance to get to know you better.

Thank you to the guys of my IJ group, Hidir, Fadli and Zul, for making me laugh til I had stitches on that one day of our groupwork. For disturbing me, not treating me like a stranger or being awkward, for making me feel better about myself. To Hidir, for sharing a common interest in traveling around the country.

Thank you Aiman for noticing me on the third day of school, for saying I was pretty and having interest in me. For inviting me to the dance party though I backed out because of my social anxiety.

Thank you to the few friends I'd made in Photography, Stacy, Derrick, Hanyi, the few sessions we had together from the very first day where we had icebreaking. Though I stopped going, and I don't contact any of you anymore and it's highly unlikely any of you would be reading this, I had lots of fun with you guys.

Thank you Malini for being the first and only constant friend from S&W. You were the kind of friend I had who I could look at, know what you were thinking, and we would laugh together. For listening to my lame jokes and laughing at the way I made a fool out of myself all the time.

Thank you Shafie first for letting me be close to you at the start, although you hadn't wanted me to. For letting me think that I'd been a good friend to you, for letting me bully you like I'd do to my little brother. For taking such a huge burden on your shoulders just by being friends with me [yet staying], and for being concerned for me all the time.

Thank you Susan for being the first person to ask for my name on the first day of school, for reaching out to me before anyone else did. For being the first person I'd revealed my scars to. For choosing to confide in me and sitting next to me in class even when I was a terrible student. For already being so heavily concerned for me within the first week, willing to hold a burden like me as your friend.

Thank you 1A1, for those times we all went for breakfast and lunch together, and played pool, and went for our lessons together.

The second semester got better, and I had to let go of the people from the first to make space for these few new, yet amazing, friends. Although some I did not see everyday; I cherished the few moments I had with them.

Thank you to my Comiss classmates for giving me that first spark of hope that school wouldn't be too bad after all. For making me giggle, for listening to my little speeches.
To Wani, for being the only other girl in class for me to make friends with, for helping me with the projects, for laughing together with me at the boys and having lunch with me every week.
To Shan, for sharing the common passion for writing and reading, for making me laugh by being annoying. For listening intently and being the biggest fan of my every speech.

Thank you to the few boys of my other classes, though I hadn't gotten their names. For joking around across the classroom, including me in to the laughters, especially EMPTS and Daeln Tutorial.

Thank you Loy for helping me in DAELN lab, and for giving me last minute tutorials for the theory. Although we aren't as close and we can't talk without a mutual friend connecting us; so I really hope when the term starts again I can get to know you better.

Thank you Faiz for being my partner in Programming class, for being my competition as a way of motivating me to do my work. For asking me questions and making me feel good about myself when praising me for my knowledge. For laughing together with me, reminiscing secondary school memories and bullying each other as way of acknowledging each other's presence.

Thank you especially Shi Hui for being by my side in every class since we shared the same fate, and for making sure I don't screw up this time. For letting me be myself, for accepting my silliness and just being my best friend for this semester, even though we weren't close despite being in the same class in Sem 1.

These are the people - old and new friends - whom I've only met a few times this year, once, or never at all, but I'm still thankful for our meeting, what little bond we've had so far. Maybe they've cheered me up over a tweet, or a few comments on Instagram. Whatever it was, may we get to know each other more this year. 

Thank you Danny for taking the initiative to talk to me on ask.fm, for having such courage to directly message me admitting it was you. For telling me the problems you had, for giving me the hope that I could have been a light at the end of the tunnel for you. And I'm sorry, because I hadn't managed to fulfill that.

Thank you Nazirah for direct messaging me on Twitter regarding my blog post about my elder brother, for telling me your own pain. For being an inspiration by the way that you kept your talent to yourself and remained humble about it.

Thank you Nura for the very first tweet you had sent to me, telling me randomly that you enjoyed my blog. For choosing my Tumblr to tell your problems too, though I hadn't helped much. For sharing a common love for Pokemon, for making me your inspiration for blogging.

Thank you Eidhan for your occasional random tweets, and also retweets, which always make me laugh. For messaging me on the day of my drunk tweets, asking if I'm okay.

Thank you Dianna for calling me beautiful, and for that one time you tweeted to me a goodnight before you went to sleep. For calling me and my boyfriend cute when you saw us kicking each other's butts. I'm sorry I hadn't been able to get to know you better.

Thank you Azim [only known as Metal Petals before I knew his name] for that one tweet to me, laughing at me for my typos when I was so upset and not giving a shit about what I was tweeting. I actually looked back to my previous tweets when you mentioned to me, and I couldn't help smiling at my little silliness, even in the midst of crying. [this was in Jan 2013 and I doubt you'd recall, but I do]

Thank you Ashikin [a fellow There for Tomorrow fan] for never talking to me before but recognising me that one time you saw me at Jurong East, for taking initiative to tweet to me telling me. For being a fellow fan of There for Tomorrow, may we link our hearts by listening to the same band in the future hehe.

Thank you Qianying and Phyllis, for taking initiative to plan an outing for us, for bringing us to Eat, Play, Love for dinner and photos. For treasuring our friendship although we had shunned you back in secondary school.

Thank you Wai Kit for being the senpai that you were from five years ago, teaching me the few things of life especially poly issues. For encouraging me to go ahead with my new interest of engineering, helping me find a route through it.

With my new relationship of 2013, came lots of amazing friendships; his secondary school classmates and current friends from the Choa Chu Kang college. Although I feel ashamed for stealing his friends because of the fact that I didn't have my own, I cherish the friendships I'd made throughout the time with him.

Thank you to the girls of his 2012 class, although I haven't gotten close to any of you, because I'd been told that you all wanted to make friends with me [I was too shy to make any first moves]. For inviting me on class outings, and I'm also sorry I never made it because of my social anxiety.
To Juyani for messaging me asking if I was alright on the day he and I broke up, for complimenting me on my Instagram pictures and making me so flattered.

Thank you to the boys of his 2013 class, for welcoming me at your school and letting me play soccer with you. To Farhan for making me giggle whenever he bullied the other guys, to Yazid for messaging me asking if I was okay when he saw my tweets, for treating me to Chicken Rice Shop.

Thank you Dina for giving me a nickname the day we first met, which no other people has ever called me before. I'm also sorry for not making it on time to watch your dance performance that night.
Thank you Diyanah for having such a nice and contagious smile, for giving me tweets of encouragement when I was on the slow road of repentance.

Thank you Zul for being an inspiration in my liking for roads, for sharing your music with me and letting me use your address for my parcel. For listening to the stories of my past and bringing me out skating.

Thank you Luqman for making me smile at my phone all the time with your random annoying texts, for making me giggle when you were with your best friend. For making fun of me for my pronunciation, for sharing your interests with me and letting me listen to your theories and stories.

Thank you Naqib for your lame jokes which still never failed to make me laugh. For sending me home after I'd gotten freaked out with a horror movie, for telling me that "If it's really your passion, you wouldn't care who reads your blog or not."

Thank you Merlissa for giving me so much advice over the course of our meeting, though I've always been too stubborn to heed. For taking me under your wing the very first day we met, for trusting me enough to confide in me about your own life. For coming down to Woodlands Waterfront and listening to my drunk talk and watching me cry, for being the first person I'd talk to when I have a problem with him.

Funny how the people I'd ended 2012 without, were there at the end of 2013. At the end of the year, I had written a post like this, with gratitude to those who shaped my 2012. I had ended the post with these people, with the caption "last but not least, there are those who were there for me, for as long as i can remember. but are no longer in my life anymore, now."

Now, the end of 2013; these are people whom I have longed for the longest. People who accepted me for who I am; they had left last year, but they came back. And for that alone, I am grateful beyond belief. 

Thank you Shushan for introducing all the jobs to me, for making sure I've got funds for myself. For having those free parties with me on Sunday mornings at the bakery, for being my support when we were getting told off by our lady boss. For being the source of our laughter on our clique outings.

Thank you Asleah for giving me a hug and saying "Welcome back." when we went out again after a long year of separation. For being the most annoying [unintentionally] and making me laugh alone all the time because of your tone.

Thank you Farizah for also giving me a hug when we met again, for being honest with me and telling me whenever you missed me. For being on the same boat as me and understanding my pain, wanting to change our fashion sense yet wanting to save money.

Thank you Pearl for listening to my heartbreak stories, for being a good host whenever we came over to your place. For always making time for us no matter how tough your schedule is, for being an amazing artist and blogger.

Thank you Sabrina for hosting our 5th Reunion Party, for looking at me with a weird look whenever I'm laughing to myself [which just makes me laugh harder]. For always giving time to layan me no matter how silly I'm being, for taking time out your busy schedule to make time for us.

Thank you Siying for being there all the time, for helping me with my fashion stuff, for the little shopping trips. For the constant advice though yes I am too stubborn to listen. For being the first to reach out to me again, for bringing me back into the clique because you had put away your pride for my sake.

Thank you 'Aamir for giving me hope that all is not lost. For returning me the love I had yearned for for so long before I met you, for helping me quit my bad habits. For never giving up on me no matter how many times I'd disappointed you, for wiping my tears no matter how many times I'd cried. For being an annoying faggot and an adoring darling at the same time.

Thank you my cousin Kak Siti for finding time to go on Johore trips with us, for making the choice of bonding with me every once in a while. For going shopping with me from H&M to bookfests, to Johore Bahru. For making me laugh by being annoying and bullying me despite the difference of a decade between us. For being the older sister I never had.

Thank you to my grandmother, aunt, and uncles, for giving me a roof over my head and being my family. For making me laugh every single day, for forgiving me no matter how late I reach home every day. For treating me like a best friend, for telling me all kinds of things you've seen on the news or on the net, making sure I'm able to laugh at what just made you happy.

____

I know all those other bloggers are writing about what they had done or achieved in the year, or what they had learnt, but to me, these factors can be found in the friendships and acquaintances I had lost and made. I think that alone can describe what I have achieved in the year.

May my years of living continue shining through, continuing lighting up the very spark that had came in early 2013. People will have to come and go, friendships will have to be sacrificed, but nevertheless I am grateful for the meeting of every person in 2013 and the years to come; past, present and future.

Playing dangerously for a friendship

It was hard finding someone who liked to travel like I did. My own girlfriends were either too busy or simply have no interest of heading anywhere further than the east, while the boyfriend of course had to rush home early all the time and can't go any further than his own turfs.

Sure, it's great to travel alone around the country, but sometimes I do get lonely. Sometimes I'd want to be with someone while I'm walking along an unfamiliar place, so I can share the joy, you know??? And, someone who also knows the way around the roads so when I'm out of ideas, they can lead the way, you know???

I did come across someone like that. It was unexpected, he was the type who would reply your tweets with random things, and from the few conversations I had with him on Twitter, I found out he was almost a master of Singapore roads, even more so than me. He liked to travel and explore around the country too.

So who is he? He's actually 'Aamir's secondary school classmate, whose name I did not know until he told me: Zul. This guy followed me when 'Aamir and I were having that argument which led to our last breakup. 'Aamir told me he was tweeting "Woah, couple fight. Let me get my popcorn", at that same moment, and that was how I'd called him "the Popcorn dude" whenever i talked about him with 'Aamir.

I told 'Aamir about how Zul liked to travel as well, and that I wanted to make friends with him. I asked him if we could go out with him someday to go walk around the purple line or something, but of course 'Aamir said no. He said Zul is a flirt and that I must stay away from him.

I thought it was really unfair; if he didn't like me going out with another guy alone, why not come along then? Of course not, because no matter what he'd still be dead against going exploring with me, whether or not with me alone or with me and another guy. How unfair is that?

So one day this Zul was tweeting about a dream he had, and I thought it was interesting. I DM-ed him to tell me more about it, because I'd wanted to blog about it. I was just being a journalist, interviewing someone, you know? I guess our friendship formed from there.

Of course, I kept it from 'Aamir. He would've killed me if he had known, and even if I'd wanted to be honest with him, he still wouldn't accept it. I don't think you could blame me though; there he was refusing to go for simple walks with me, and here came a new friend who gladly would.

There was that one time when 'Aamir hurt me and cheated my feelings so bad, that I went for a walk from Tiong Bahru to Farrer Road 'alone'. Except I wasn't alone; this Zul brought me. He led the way because I wasn't so familiar yet, and we talked about all the little things in our lives along the roads, in the drizzle, and over a cup of hot tea.

And this other time when I skipped my afternoon class to go skating with him, because there was a 5-hour break in between that and the morning lesson, and I wasn't bothered to wait that long.

I'd gone to Punggol straight after morning class where I snacked on Hello Pandas while waiting for Zul to arrive on his longboard, which was bigger than I'd thought. He passed me my parcel, a trade from Carousell which I'd used his address to receive it from, and we went off to Punggol park for a little walk.

He had to teach me how to ride since I'm shit at skating, but I could say I was slowly getting the hang of it. The last time I rode one, I hadn't known how to change direction but with the help of the Popcorn dude, I was a genius!!!

Still, when I was on the board [since there was only one between us] he had to hold me by my backpack and pull me along slowly. It felt like the time my dad taught me how to cycle, when he'd pull me along like that, even with the training wheels.

And then I got lazy to skate on my own; this was the fun part. I sat at the front of the board while Zul stood at the back and just drove us through the park. We were going fast through puddles and rough grounds, almost like a rollercoaster!!! Yes, that moment is unforgettable.

Also, I got to know so much about this friend, and he's the opposite of what 'Aamir said he was. He's nice, he's cool, and he isn't a flirt because he's been in love with the same girl for years. The only reason why he looks at girls all the time and ask for numbers and shit is because he wants to move on.

I had so much fun that day and I so badly wanted to tell 'Aamir all about it but he wasn't supposed to know. I couldn't blog about it as well, but well, since I'd come clean with him two days ago, here you go. The year is ending, and by tomorrow I'd be able to add Zul to my list of People Who Made Me Smile in 2013, because he simply deserves recognition for being the reason to the few of my smiles in the year. :-)

P.s. Hands which shaped my 2012.

The real birthday outing

I really mean it when I say "I give up all the time but I try again just as much". Two days after the failed surprise for 'Aamir's birthday, I was invited on yet another outing. I told his tertiary friends in the Whatsapp group that no, I don't want to come. What's more, he and I just had an argument and I seriously thought it wouldn't be worth it to see his bloody face.

But the next day, Saturday the 28th of December, I was up and about in the morning, and heading to Jurong East at 1 in the afternoon to try and surprise him one more time. This time I just wore a plain sweater, ugly green jeans and my old pink Converse.

Me being the only Eastern resident I was kind of late, but of course, not as late as the Malaysian boy. I had to walk around on my own around Jem while waiting for 'Aamir to gather with Naqib, Farhan and Marcus. I was still a surprise after all, having told him an hour before that I couldn't make it. Such despicable.

I was halfway to JCube where they said they were at, when Farhan said they were walking towards Jem instead. I got into a fit of panic and tried to hide, telling them not to walk here, don't walk here! In the end I saw them in the distance, with everyone's backs towards me except for Farhan who was looking at me, waiting for me to make my move.

So I floated to them, careful not to make a sound even when everyone else in public was chatting away and masking whatever sound I could possibly have made. I locked in on the target and BAM! jumped onto his back and wrapped my arms around his neck, exclaiming into his ear, "RAH!"

All 'Aamir could say was, "OH MAK KAU PEYH LAKI Why are you here?! Aaaahh!! Why are you here omgah!! I thought you weren't coming!!" So I guess you could say it was a successful mission!

I didn't know there was a new mall called Westgate!? We headed there and all had Long John Silver's for lunch, with Marcus buying Texas Chicken from next door and smuggling that in. As usual, the faggot boyfriend stole my fries and even a shrimp from me [I really still can't forgive him for the shrimp], and the guys made me laugh just by being themselves.

Later on Marcus gave 'Aamir a present, which was this weird looking mouse, much like the ones my little brother and I had seen some time back. The one he'd said was specially for gamers. 'Aamir seemed to really like it, and it made me feel bad that I hadn't gotten him anything, thanks to this grudge against birthdays.

Made our way back to JCube where we got tickets for 47 Ronin and slacked for an hour before it started. I'd gone off to Times while the guys went to the arcade, and yep. So many books I'd wanted. I could have bought every single one I wanted, but of course in the end I just left without buying anything. A rarity, you could say.

47 Ronin was alright, I was expecting myself to not like it at all, but I had to admit I did. Though the experience itself was fucked up because someone had rung the fire alarm, and announcements were going on and on in the theater; isn't so fun being in a multi-racial country because all the announcements just had to come in all 4 languages before it started another round. I could barely focus on the movie.

Afterwards, when it was just 'Aamir and me, we headed to H&M at Jem, though it took quite a bit of persuasion to get him to go there. I was looking through at the girly clothes when he admitted that he preferred me when I was still that "t-shirt/cardigan jeans and Converse" girl.

All I had to say to him was "You can't expect me to be that way forever. I have to change eventually."

He pulled me to the guys' section where he looked for the ideal sweater, and his preferences just kept changing, maybe because he was too damn picky. No I don't want with the zips. No the green one like nice only. No I want with hood. In the end he settled for the maroon hooded sweater, and he also picked out a simple navy one for me.

At the end of it, he said it was time to go home, but not before I pulled him towards the back of the MRT station where we could sit and talk. The year was ending and I had to tell him everything; "I have to tell you this, you have to listen and I don't mind if you leave because I'm prepared for that."

"What's it about..?" he asked, with the suddenly serious look in his eyes.

"It's just... Something I did behind your back. Just listen, and afterwards if you want to leave, I'd understand."

I told him. At the end of it, he didn't leave after all. He just sat there looking at me, with his eyes which I weren't sure meant anger or hurt or understanding. I'm still not sure how he felt but he accepted it, and didn't make a huge fuss over it. We parted for our respective ways home, with not one but a few hugs.

As for whoever is reading this, I'm gonna blog about what the suspense is all about in my next post. To you it may be nothing when you read it, but when whatever it was happened, I was so sad because I wasn't allowed to blog about the fun I had those days. And when it was over, I also couldn't write my sadness about it here because 'Aamir wasn't allowed to know. Now that I've come clean with him I should be able to tell you soon too, just in time before the year ends, so I can include this person in my list of people who made me smile in 2013.

More reason for hate

You've only had five hours of sleep. You get up in the early morning, force yourself out of bed and head to the shower. For once, you'd already decided last night what you were gonna wear; something different, yet doesn't show any of that 'tried too hard' effort. The only such outfit you can draw from your ton of clothes.

So what's so special about today? Well... It's your boyfriend's birthday! He's finally turned 17, one year and a half after you did. He's always told you stories about his previous birthdays, about how he's never had anything special on it, since it's always the holidays and he doesn't meet anyone from school to spend time with him.

This year, it's going to be different. You were added to a Whatsapp group with his tertiary classmates, these amazing people you've made friends with in the course of your relationship. They were planning a surprise for him, and the reason why you slept late last night is because everyone was up, planning it all.

Your shady past led to your dislike of birthdays, hate even. You'd spent the entire year not daring to utter the words "Happy Birthday", and refusing to accept entry of the phrase into your ears on your own special day. You agreeing to be part of today is a huge sacrifice on your part; and he'd know it.

A huge part of you have faith in today. You want to believe that today might be the day your hate for birthdays dissolve, and you can start wishing people Happy Birthday once 2014 comes crashing, just like a normal person.

The reason you are up early is because you're heading to the place of your boyfriend's girl best friend, to bake a cake for your beloved. You've always wanted to do this for him, and this is a perfect chance. You can hardly contain your excitement, and you even start imagining the very moment when you're gonna surprise your boy from behind! That's what his friends had planned; for them to not mention a word about you and BAM! have you sneak up on him and surprise him that you really are here!

You are certain nothing will go wrong. You so highly believe that this is it; you're not gonna hate birthdays anymore.

It's a little before noon and you are halfway through the Circle Line journey to Bishan when you receive texts on the Birthday Surprise Whatsapp group. You can't believe what you're seeing: your boyfriend can't make it out. Because his mother doesn't allow him.

You get in a rage. Who wouldn't? It's his fucking birthday for fuck's sake! Finding out that it's because everyone is out and he has to take care of his youngest brother just pisses you off \more. He has so many other older siblings! Are they not even gonna sacrifice their outing for the birthday boy to be able to go out!?

After all the anger, and that few tears that escape from your frowning eyes, you try to calm yourself down. You look down at your outfit, and laugh at yourself for dressing up. Hah. Now you're convinced that birthdays are made to be hated.

____

I had fun today with Mel, Naqib, Farhan, Marcus and Yazid, though all we did was have lunch and Skype the birthday cunt and walk around Plaza Sing. I didn't even feel out of place anymore even without the boyfriend around.

I've interacted with the rest quite a few times already but today was the first time talking with Marcus. We talked mostly about Pokemon and he even let me use his 3DS XL to play X. Afterwards Naqib, Yazid and I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty [which was awesome thanks to Ben Stiller]. How I love everything about it, from the story to the humour to the videography to the philosophy and of course Ben Stiller. 

So anyway, I am damn tired right now, so I'm just gonna end this here. Thank you again to the people who made my day today, although things got a bit cocked up here and there.