Dedication

No idea what the hell happened. One minute, I was crying at the side of the road, because I was lost as fuck and my emotions were overwhelming. Lost+emotional=one big mess. The next minute, I woke up with a blocked nose, a burning throat and a super high fever.

The funny thing was, I woke up in my bed at Pasir Ris, when I'm very sure that night I'd been supposed to go back to Paya Lebar. I remember, Jalan Baiduri, or Telok Kurau lorong J or H, I can't recall, that area, I'm very sure it's towards Paya Lebar.

Just did some research, and I've gotten sick because I didn't drink alcohol when I was already super used to it. But you know what? Even if so, even if I don't remember what the hell happened, I definitely did not. Touch. Alcohol. And I will never.

I say I will go one week without it, so I will fucking go one week without it. No matter how sick I get, I'd deal with it. And once my week is up, whatever I deserve, I will fucking get it.

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Diary entry from 7th October, 2013. 

Yes, I am writing. Writing, not blogging, with the pen my best friend gave me, in the journal my aunt presented me with. Why am I writing? I don't know what else to do. It's so difficult to even talk to you.

Times have changed. Months have passed, and things definitely wouldn't stay the same. Those cliche quotes on Tumblr, always stating the reason why relationships don't work out is because one person stops 'chasing'. I don't mean to push the blame, but in this case, it's definitely you.

In the past, you were always so excited to talk to me. You always found joy in being in a conversation with me, just being silly, and you get worried if I don't reply in three minutes. Not to forget, I'd fall asleep in the middle of talking to you, and I'd wake up to see tons of texts from you.

Now, you'd reach home, end the conversation with "I'm gonna game now." You leave me waiting for you til past midnight, only to tell me "I'm going to sleep now." It's so difficult to talk to you. Even telling you straight out Hey, I wanna talk to you doesn't work anymore. What's happened to you???

I still melt when you look at me. Heck, just a glance from you and I'm already feeling butterflies. I still love daydreaming about you kissing me. I daydream about you all the time at work! The way your eyelashes fall against the hollow of your cheekbones... Yes, I peek at your face when we kiss. I can't resist.

My point is,... I'm still chasing you. I always will, you know. My feelings for you still feel like a crush. There're still so many things I must know about you, so many dates I want to go on with you, so many places to explore with you.

I'm not done chasing you. I wish you'd feel the same.

I'm writing this because there's no other way to let it out. I don't have the chance to even talk with you, and even if I do, you'd just think that all I've written in this entry is bullshit. Like you always do.

I miss you. I miss you in any way possible. I miss your touch; I miss talking to you; I miss who you are, or were, when we first met. I'm sorry if my difficulties have changed you. I'm trying to get you back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

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I knew from back then already, that you were losing interest for me. I tried not to let that go further, I thought I tried to get you back. I was on the verge of giving up, but I held on. Did I not try hard enough, I wonder?

You once told me to list the times and things I've done for or sacrificed for you, but honestly if you ask me heads on like that, I can't give you the answers. I do remember my last sacrifice for you, and that is your 17th birthday.

You knew how much I hated birthdays. You knew you hadn't managed to do anything for my 18th, no matter how badly I'd wanted to see you. Yet, on your 17th, I did my best to give you a special birthday, because you had never celebrated your day before.Was that not good enough..?

I tried to be nicer to you, because I did not want to lose you.
Just like how you were so nice to me, because you wanted to gain me.

When you came to me, I was still trying so hard to push everyone away. I didn't want you near me, but you tried your damndest to make me change my mind about that. You were so nice, you tried to cheer me up when I was down. In the end, you won.

If you could melt my heart like that when I didn't want you, why can't I do the same for you now when you don't want me anymore? Is it because you've never had anyone fight for you this way before, like how I never had anyone so determined to break down my walls, the way you did...?

When you say "I don't deserve you", do you mean that you're too good for me, or that I'm too good for you? Because either way, I'd still want you. If you're too good for me, I promise I'd try to be that better person you deserve. If I'm too good for you, I promise I'd try to help you be that better person for me.

I'm sorry I hadn't tried hard enough. I'm sorry I let you lose your interest in me, just like that. But I'm so, so, so, so, so, willing to try, like I've said so many times... I swear, with my parents around me now, I'm gonna be so much better for you. Just let me. I plead.

____