Still fighting???

Eight days down. Was it really just one week? It feels like an entire year, decade even. All the tears I had cried, all the anger I had let out, all the bullshit I had gotten myself into. Was all that really in the space and time of one week?

Eight days down since you left, but you were already gone way before that. I thought I tried. I'd always been confused with what you wanted, space or attention, but I'd always tried to give you a dose of both at the right times. I tried not to get angry when you were being a frustrating little bitch, and even when I did, I put away my ego to say sorry.

Did I really not try? Was there really no effort that you saw from me? Did you really see no more reason to have feelings for me anymore?

It's still a shock, I can't deny. For you to just leave with an excuse like that, despite all the effort I had put in. The effort that we put in. You can't forget the things you'd done for me. It's a lot. We both know you've done so much more for me than I have for you, that's why I'd found it difficult to even imagine leaving you. So why...? Ugh.

What about how you had always wanted someone who likes you the way you are? What about how you lack self-esteem but in my eyes you are so fucking perfect? Isn't that what you wanted? And someone who would stay no matter what? Have I not made you happy? Even if I haven't, what if I'm willing to try again? Does effort not touch your heart?

I know I was never perfect to you. How I'm not as religious as you are, how I don't love God as much as you do. How I wasn't understanding and I was short-tempered. What if I'm willing to put away these emotions for you?

Remember how you told me that I have friends now, and that I didn't need you? What if I told you that right now, all the things I wanna share with someone, I still wanna share with you? What if no matter how happy I get I still wanna share all that funny shit with you? Don't you dare tell me I can do that as friends. Don't you dare.

I pierced my nose because you liked to pinch it. Now I can't even touch it because it stings on the inside, but at least I can get my hands off that memory. It hurts to be left behind. You, of all people, should know how I feel about that. That's why I never dared do that to you.

Even when I was so angry, so badly wanted you to fuck off, at the end of the day I'll just go back to you because I could not stand the thought of leaving you. After a while you become a darling again and my feelings will go back to normal. Get it? It's the thought of leaving that is so scary, like you're letting go of a chance. I don't know how you can do it.

Ugh. I don't know okay. I'm really trying. I'm so damn lost without you, so dead, all the colour drained from my face and my life. And one more thing, it's just so damn unfair that you were the one who tackled me first, who made me fall in love with you, only to just leave because you lost interest. It's so goddamned cruel. But you know what? Even if so, I'll forgive you for that. Like I always did.

No matter how beaten up I get I'm still gonna stand and fight for what I want.