I mean it
when I say
I don't forget anyone.
No matter how long ago
No matter how small the interaction
No matter how you treated me
I would never forget you.
I remember the first friends I'd made in poly and the drama that followed
I remember the cliques from secondary school and the non-stop gossip
I remember my best friends from primary school and the games we played
I remember the children from my kindergarten.
I remember their faces, what we did together, their names.
And whoever you are, I'll always remember you. I could be directing this right at you for all you know.
With remembrance comes love. If I remember you, there's a chance that whatever love I had for you is still with you.
I probably still have a bit of my love for the wind, for my semester 1 classmates, for my sec 4 classmates. Even if they don't want it, even if they don't realise its existence, the bit of my heart I'd given still lingers around them, hanging by their ears or stuck to their backs.
They don't remember me but I think about them sometimes.
Every year I do this thing of writing little notes on my blog, thanking the people who were there for me at one point. I've been looking forward for the year to end only so I can start writing thank you paragraphs for the people of 2014.
I just want people to be appreciated. I want the people I love to know how much they mean to me. It saddens me all the time to know that they don't feel the same way for me. Still, it'd be nice to for them to know they mean something to someone.
Not someone they'd give a shit about in return, but at least someone... Right? It's the least I could do.
When I give my love I don't ask for it back...
Maybe my dad had thrown his piece of my heart out the door as well two years ago,
maybe my big brother had traded his piece of my heart for a foetus 8 months ago,
maybe the wind had broken his piece of my heart when he dropped me for the third time,
but
there will always be a new seed planted in their souls
a seed that grows into a piece of my heart shortly after.
Maybe it's tiny this time
but
it's there.
And as long as they don't know it's there, they won't touch it, and they won't break it.
I guess it's safer to love someone who isn't aware they have a piece of your heart.
It's sad when someone doesn't know you love them
doesn't appreciate that you love them
doesn't love you like how you love them
doesn't even believe you love them.
I'm trying to accept that not everyone I love will love me back...
Even the best friends I see and laugh with everyday keep things from me
even the only friend I have in poly choose to talk to someone else about her problems
even the one who understands me most choose to push me away when I want to hear him out.
I don't know what to do
They tell me not to worry
not to bother trying to understand them
not to give them my full trust
but that's just how I work.
Even if I've sinned you
or pushed you away myself
or kept quiet when you were suffering alone
or didn't have any advice for your problems
you know, I remember you
and I love you
Just wait until the end of the year and you'd be surprised that I remember the tiniest moments with you. Moments that you wouldn't remember, but that I'd be thankful for for a long time.
Whoever you are, you have a piece of my heart, glowing with every tear that drops into it, be it mine or yours. In the time I was writing this, I've already thought of a lot of people....... Specific names, specific moments.
Everyone means so much to me.... I wish they'd at least see it if they wouldn't return it.
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