Letter to my niece

I didn't welcome you into my life even before I met you.

I didn't want you in the world even before you set foot into it.

Knowing of your existence brought tears to my mom's eyes. I remember that day, how my bedroom door had slammed shut from the outside. How I'd opened it in confusion, only to be yelled at by my parents and brother from the couches, telling me to shut back the door.

The adults never sat at those sofas. I knew straight there was something wrong. I didn't know what, and I was upset at my parents for not trusting me enough to tell me, for treating me like a kid not worthy of this secret.

Later, my mom came into my room and told me they had some emergency to attend to. It was 9 at night, and all three of them went out without another word.

My mother, when she said that, her eyes were red with remnants of her tears, but she put on a smile. She tried to be strong, and I knew straight she was Steel-Type, because she had an armour around her, an armour nobody could ever destroy.

Nobody told me exactly what was going on, but I eventually found out about you. I was angry and disappointed with my brother at the same time; he couldn't even take care of himself, and he wants to have his own family. I hated how he neglected the family he already had for the one that isn't even his yet.

I shed endless tears the night I knew about you. It wasn't my emotion to own, because I wasn't even close to him, but the hype was all too overwhelming.

When I knew you were gonna be a girl, it just made things worse. My brother now was gonna have all the important ladies in his life: a mother, a wife, and a daughter. He wouldn't need a sister. Not a sister like me, who is worlds apart from him, who is born to sit in the shadows, holding over him the spotlight. It was pointless to try because he already had your mother and you.

Seeing your mother on her wedding day scared me, to be honest. I kept getting the impression that she was gonna be an evil sister-in-law or something. But having her in my family changed the way I see her. Watching her with kids, especially her little siblings, softened me a little, ensured me she was gonna treat me the same, even though I'm 19.

Over time, the piece of my heart that I gave her grew and grew, while my brother's piece has shrunk into a tiny little one over the years. It didn't change the fact that after many years of hating his girlfriends on status, I actually started to love his wife.

My mother did mention to me about how she wouldn't be surprised if I were closer to my sister-in-law than my own blood brother. It's just love being strange.

When I heard you have arrived in this world, I was so happy I cried, and then I straightway made my way to the hospital to see you. I was shaking out of fear, I was skipping in my step out of excitement. It was just too overwhelming, your existence.

I remembered my mom telling me about how one of her many siblings-in-law had been the only one to have kissed me and my brothers on the forehead when we were born. How she appreciated that simple gesture so much up til now.

I've kissed your little forehead thrice now, but I've not actually held you. I was so scared to even hold you because you looked so fragile. I felt I could break you with all my problems and emotions, like the slightest bit of weight would crush you.

You looked at me today, stopped crying when I rubbed the back of my hand against the bun of your cheek. I didn't know a newborn's pupils could be so big. I remembered how I read somewhere, about how one's pupils enlarge when looking at someone they love. I couldn't help feeling excited, feeling like your eyes were so big because you loved me.

For now, I don't have the courage to hold you for fear the weight in my soul crushes your fragile being. You're so precious, and right now you are the most wonderful thing in the world.

I find it hard to believe you are my niece. I look at you and I can't help wondering what it's like to have a person like me as your aunt. I hope I am worthy enough to be, and I hope you grow up to love my big brother and sister-in-law more than anything.