I saw your problems from day 1. You say "You don't know me" but in a way, I do. Because I've been in your position. I know what you're doing, what you'd do next.
I knew how to tackle you from the very beginning, to help you go through all your bullshit with me. I took on the challenge but it was harder than I thought. Helped me realise this is what I'd made everyone around me go through when I was in that phase.
I wanted to accept you the way you are, and I managed to because you showed me that side of you. It frustrated me to see you being someone else around everyone else, but close the doors behind us and it's all bliss you are.
The things you told me, the things we laughed about, the things we loved each other for. It was so easy to fall for you. It was so easy to feel that all of it was 'love', so easy to have appreciated the little events in the previous weeks that led up to that moment.
When you asked me to be yours, I had to take a huge risk. I'd seen you hurt other girls in my presence, and you know how people say whatever a guy can do to another girl, he can do the same to you. I was betting on my life when I said yes.
But knowing that, I did my best to make sure you'd never feel the need to hurt me. I put you as my number 1 priority, which wasn't difficult in the first place because I didn't have my own best friends that I see everyday. There's 1, but he's your best friend too, so there was no problem with that.
As time went on you started giving me reasons to be mad at you, but I only reacted that way because I loved you and didn't want to lose you. I kept telling myself to deal with it because that's how you are and I'd have to accept it even if it hurt.
Sometimes it felt like my existence was nothing to you, because you'd always choose to confide in someone else about whatever problems you have. I kept emphasising on the fact that it may be fun and laughter and jokes between us but that it was okay if you had serious things to talk about too. I was willing to listen to it all.
When you first started talking to me, you told me all the problems you had with her. I tried not to hurt you the way she had, but time went on, and it turned into you hurting me that way instead. At times I thought I understood why she had acted that way in the first place; you were the one pushing people away.
You told me not to put so much trust in you, not to care about you. I wanted to give you whatever you needed, but give you too much space and you'd say the same thing about me like what you said about her: "I have a girlfriend but I don't feel like I have one." you were the one pushing your significant other away. It was hard to grasp whether you wanted attention or space.
During our pre-relationship days, we both had someone else. We were both indecisive at the time, we had the same hard decisions to make. In the end we chose each other, chose to put away whatever it was we had before with somebody else.
I did that. I totally forgot about the wind when I was with you, very sure he'd be nothing compared to you. Very sure you'd give me all the bliss he gave, and I was glad when you became more and more comfortable with me like how he was. I loved how you'd get annoyed with me and love me at the same time.
In return, I tried to be better than your previous girl too. I took your confidings into consideration, remembering the things you told me about her that hurt you, made sure I didn't do the same and made sure I gave you more, gave you whatever you needed.
Was that not enough, because even when you said you chose me, your heart was still with her. I thought you were happier with me but the kept photos and changed wallpaper and contact name "Love" proved me wrong. It was unfair to me because at that point you were already my only one.
I learnt your logic was screwed, so screwed I had to bend over backwards to understand you. It was hard, but I figured it was worth whatever pain for you.
I really gave my best for you. I give my best for every one of my significant other, be it an official relationship or dating or just infatuation. Whoever I'm with deserves nothing but the best for choosing to be with me of all people.
We were starting to fight nearly everyday but I just didn't want to lose you. You were hurting me every other day but I kept quiet because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. The 2 times I did cry in front of you, I just couldn't take it anymore at that point because everything was just crashing into me.
Even if you were the one who killed me in the first place, I'd be grateful for you the moment you resurrected me with a simple wipe of my tears and a kiss on my head.
I loved making you laugh. I loved teasing you non-stop even if you were already ignoring me the past 10 minutes. I loved hearing you give that "what am I doing with my life" sigh when I drag you to do something stupid with me.
Whatever we've done together the past few months will stick with me for a long time you know.
How you wrapped your arms around mine when we watched our first movie together.
How the both of us had coincidentally worn navy blue shirts for our first date.
How you'd said "It's because I love you" before you dived in for a kiss when we were sitting at my school field.
How you fell asleep with your arms and legs around me during City Of Bones.
How we kissed to the same song over and over.
How we explored each other in the dark, every outline, every inch of skin, with our lips.
How I brought my hand up your leg slowly when we watched If I Stay, only for us to look up and see Adam doing that to Mia as well.
How I puked in the middle of VivoCity, my vomit landing right between your shoes and how we just walked away after a minute of processing what just happened.
How we always pretended to wrap our arms around each other only to unleash a deadly burp into the other's ear.
How shy you were when I gave you a surprise kiss on your cheek when you're in the middle of talking.
How I'd spin under your arm and you'd spin under mine as well just to make me laugh.
You hurt me but oh you do not know how willing I am to go through the hurt just to go through all these little things again.
I could go on and on, because if I remember people for the tiniest of interactions with them, I'm very sure I'll never forget you.
If all this wasn't enough to convince you that it's okay to be with me, then I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. Following suit your screwed logic, you told me you take words very seriously. Well these are all the words I have for you so please take them. This has been me spilling out my heart so please take it.
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