Unknowingly disappointing someone.

you know, back in secondary school my teachers were always doing their best for us, in order to motivate and make sure we understood what is going on. if we were to sleep, they'd wake us up, and also call us to stay back after class for extra lessons.

they kept telling us to be grateful. they told us, that in poly life, none of the teachers were gonna do that. none of the teachers would give a shit if we slept in class, if we could focus or not, if we understood or not. i graduated from secondary school and moved on to Ngee Ann Poly believing this.

but who would've thought; what they had told us was wrong. my lecturers weren't as mean as i thought. they weren't just nice; my EG1 teacher bothered to single me out because i was lagging behind. some of you may find it annoying, but at least they noticed that you need extra guidance.

my EMPTS teacher also bothered to come over to my table and ask me to try again, when he saw that i had given up and had laid slumped in front of the oscilloscope. he'd come over again and again to explain to me how to work that damn machine, but i still shamelessly didnt try again.

in the end, i handed in empty worksheets for that lesson, and stopped turning up completely for this module. a classmate just recently returned me my worksheets, which i had just chucked into my backpack without any second glances.

just a few days ago, i was looking through the mess of my notes, when i bumped into these worksheets again. what i had left blank all those weeks ago, had been filled in with red ink.

my EMPTS teacher had completed the worksheet for me. it may be a small gesture, but it really means a lot. he had bothered to fill in what i had left blank, perhaps in the hopes that i'd come back and try again. it hurts me in a way you can't imagine; to have disappointed someone and only realising it. you gave them the impression that you didnt care about their efforts.

and then there's my EngMec teacher. right from the start, he has always been trying to help me. i never paid attention to the base chapter. he had taken the effort to look for me in the middle of a lesson [not his] and requested that i come look for him for extra guidance because he realised i wasnt doing well.

i was reluctant; i was still in my daydream mood and didnt feel like it. but i went, and thanks to that, i got the base of this module. the rest of the topics came easy, though i still went for consultations here and there.

the thing about him was, he bothered to go the extra mile. he called a bunch of us over to sit with him and revise through the questions again and again til we got it. he held consultations for us to come and busy him with queries, and he was more than happy to help us; always had that smile on his face.

he asked if there were any problems when he saw me sleeping in class. i told him i had to work; just that simple truth, and he was always talking to me, asking me how things were going between work and studies.

one day i told him that i had to work because of the issue with my parents. he took the initiative to call the school counsellor to talk to me. and when the class was noisy as fuck [as per normal] during one of his lectures, he had stopped teaching just to talk some sense into everyone.

"if you don't want to listen, at least learn to keep silent. all of you are fortunate to have your parents paying your school fees. but there are some of your schoolmates who have to work to pay for themselves. they know how difficult this is, and they are really trying to listen in class; the least you could do is respect these people."

on the last day of tutorial, he actually brought a camera to class and told us to take a class photo together.

today, i sat for my EngMec exam. and i'm sorry to say but i've disappointed this teacher once again.

just imagine your teacher, sitting down, staring into space and thinking of you as you sit for your exam. what would he be doing as you handed in a blank answer paper and left the exam hall an hour before the exam ends?

he's probably thinking of you, thinking of all the time he had helped you, held consultation sessions so you could come and ask him questions. so he could help you, because he wanted the best for you. he'd be thinking of his faith in you, believing that you can do your best.

while you, in the exam hall, stare at the questions, decide that you cant do them, write your seat number and student id number, and raise your hand without a single thought. and you leave the hall, looking forward to your vacation, without realising that you have disappointed someone.

tell me how that doesnt hurt you? look me in the eye and tell me you don't give a shit?

unknowingly disappointing someone; letting someone down without even realising it. that's just one of the shittiest feelings in the world.