Social anxiety.

social anxiety: the discomfort or fear of being in a social situation whereby you will get looked at and judged. the insecurity, and being convinced that you are not good enough for other people.

you fear criticism, rejection, embarrassment. and most of the time when you are surrounded by people, you are convinced that these aspects are what's being shot at you from their heads.

as you read the above i bet you're already thinking that that's what you are. but honestly, you dont know how bad you've got it. neither of us do.

i'm not saying i've got this disorder though. i've never been diagnosed with anything. maybe it's because i rarely go to the doctor's anyway but who cares?

i've had many things happened in my life which cause i'd never been able to explain. i've never heard of "social anxiety" only until recently. i did some research on it this morning and my previous explaination is what i understood of it.

there's a reason why i stopped going to school in sec 5 after i left my girlfriends. i may or may not be given a fuck about but i had always thought everyone in school was always whispering about me when i was walking around alone. it felt like everyone was whispering my name, uttering of my sudden solitude and stupidity.

there's a reason why i bailed out on my cousin's wedding during the time when my mother and i werent on talking terms. my dad was with the men, i wasnt close with my elder brother, and my little brother had the other young cousins to play with, and my girl cousin/best friend from the big family had invited her secondary school friends and was entertaining them. i had no one to talk or sit with, and i felt so alone that i just left, without telling anyone.

there's a reason why i stoned at my other cousin's wedding party, with all the strangers around me and me being the only one 'representing' my side of the family. i wanted so badly to leave when everyone was in their own families or social circles, and when i was finally in my uncle's car nearly to midnight, all i could do was release the tears that i had been holding in the whole night.

there's a reason why i always have to look at my phone when walking down the halls in school, although i hadnt had any notifications. if i look up, i wouldnt know where to look. all i could think of would be everyone is looking at me, and at least being on Twitter while i walk would distract my mind from the awkwardness.

there's a reason why i dreaded school this year because i stopped talking to the only good friends i had made in poly. it wasnt easy making friends with them, and even more so difficult to talk to the other classmates. it may seem like bullshit to others, but i swear, talking to the other classmates other than these two was more difficult than you think.

there's a reason why i felt so left out in the clique of five, when my two Chinese friends were talking with each other, while my two Indian friends too. there's a reason why i always decided to go on my own instead because if i followed them, i would look like an extra head.

there's a reason why i'm not going to this classmate's open house today. if i go, i'd definitely be alone because they both have their own friends and cant be with me around the clock. i'd definitely dread being there in five minutes. i understand that they can't be with me the whole time, so i may as well not go. but thank you once again for inviting me.

i'm not diagnosed with this condition called "social anxiety", but the pieces are falling into place. maybe i do have a mild case of it, which may or may not worsen if i dont do anything about it.

i dont know why i'm the way i am. i know i'm unpopular and shit, but why am i not doing anything? because my lack of self-esteem tells me, "no matter what you do, people still arent gonna look at you. they're still gonna ignore you and shit. oh, and they're also gonna think you're weird."

this is what the voice tells me when i want to talk to my other classmates. this is what it tells me when i try to talk to the prince's classmates. this is what it tells me when i want to tell someone on Twitter to cheer up when i see someone being sad. this is what it even tells me when i want to follow someone randomly on Twitter.

i'm not sure if it can be changed, but i'm really doing my best to tell this voice off.

and i'm also not sure why i want to be a journalist when this mindset of mine is in the way. because i'm ambitious? or maybe because once i'm given words to speak, that's all i'd care about? or maybe i'm just so hell-bent on doing the best for my writing? or perhaps words will always be my one protection. maybe.

but then again have you heard the story about the girl who was born with no legs, and who wanted to be an athlete?

i've still got to tell this voice off though. i'll find a way.