Quicksand.

a hat on your head, some rings on your fingers.
eyes behind shades, a weight on your shoulders.

i feel like a burden. i feel like i'm bothering everyone who cares for me. it feels like i'm making them bend over backwards whenever they show me concern.

studies. finances. family. love. i find problems in all of them, and because of these, the people around me get affected too.

i'm a slow learner, and Susan and Shafie have to be bothered with in order to teach me. i refuse to eat just to save money, and Susan and 'Aamir end up paying for my meals just to make me eat. family and love; i force that honour out of my boyfriend all the time.

yupp. i'm a burden to everyone else.

and then sometimes i feel like a burden to even myself. maybe that's why i dont tell myself what're my problems. maybe thats why i cry, and most of the time it's for no reason that i know of.

i'm so heavy, with all this weight on my shoulders. adding with the heavy burden that i already am; i sink quicker into this quicksand.

____

ELTech lecture was so cold and sleep-inducing til Susan and i decided to go out for a walk. we were soaking up the warmth of the balcony at the end of the lane, when appeared a wild Shafie and Qi Hong. so the four of us were slacking and by the time we got back to class, it was time to go.

Shafie and Nicholas both got injured during yesterday's Sports&Wellness, and the whole class was busy fussing over them. Shafie's ankle and wrist were hurt while Nicholas broke a hamstring.

so i decided to remove my cardigan since it was soaked with my perspiration, and i was sitting right at the back anyway, when Shafiq decided to announce "HOMAIGOD E'INDAH WITHOUT LONG SLEEVES!!" ugh no stop!

right after C Programming, Susan, Shafie, Qi Hong, Nicholas, Edwin & i made our way to the atrium to slack for a while before them four of us had to go for our bridging math.

and damn. the way Nicholas struggled to hoist his body weight up the wall. too adorable.

bye.

Classmates of 2013.

hey guys. how's it going? how has school been? Ngee Ann just recently celebrated its 50th Anniversary and we were all forced to go Botanic Gardens to lepak.

at least my classmates and i managed to have a few laughs together. like we always do. the top 2 things which made me laugh:
1. edwin's "you think we all so organised ah, all bring the same mat together?!"
2. edwin's "even if i push him down the drain also you all will still continue walking one!"

XD

we had dinner together afterwards, at a Wendy's at Orchard, laughing at the most random things ever. Susan and i went into H&M for a while to look at clothes which i will never be able to pull off; told her about how 'Aamir always picks clothes out for me when we go shopping, and she agreed that such a boyfriend is so damn rare ^_^

how i treasure my classmates right now. we all took the mrt together and alighted at our respective stations, me being the first to drop off at Bishan to transfer to the circle line. i missed them immediately after i watched the last carriage of the train disappear from my view.

every Monday i have a class which sits at Block 50; near the school of Film &Media Studies. something which i wanted. it broke my heart everytime.

what if back then on the 31st of January, the text i received had stated that i was admitted to the film course indeed, instead of where i am right now. i'd be over the moon wouldnt i?

but then i thought. what if today, when i am walking down the lanes in Ngee Ann, as an FMS student instead of SOE; and i see the people of ECE 1A1 walking past me. i wouldnt recognise them. and this thought alone is enough to make me sad.

it would feel like waking up in a hospital to a family who had been erased from your memories.

this is 2013. how many times have i told myself, yet i still havent gotten this into my head despite it being almost half the year through already.

the reason why i'm not even living with my parents was because i stayed out overnight with my sec 4 and 5 classmates. it was the last straw for my father.

how i loved those classmates so; my classmates of 2011 and 2012. i thought they loved me too. i thought they treasured me as much as i did them. apparently not. i was invisible in the classroom. i thought they could see me already. they did, but i guess they didnt accept it.

i shall cherish my classmates of 2013 like there is no tomorrow.

The power of words.

A musician, producing music with their guitars and pianos and voices.

An artist, creating works of art with their pencils and paintbrushes and spraypaint cans.

An athlete, showing their bits of strength by running and jumping and swimming.

I'm neither of the above, but music forms from my paragraphs, my art comes from my sentences, and my strength shows in my words.

I'm a writer and although i cant sing, or draw, or run even for a bit; i have everything as long as i have the power of words.

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A dozen purple hyacinths, to and fro.

you pulled me to you, buried your face in my hair and you said; "i fucking love you."

you held me til my ribs were about to break, til i wasn't sure if you were ever gonna let me go. even when you released me from your arms, you held my hand every moment you could.

that was just yesterday.

what got into you? you were fine this morning. all you did was go out to have breakfast with your family and you even went to the park. you came home, and started venting it on me.

i dont understand your transitions. sometimes you get angry at me simply because of something from the past. it's not fair, don't you think?

you've made your mistakes too. like the 13th of April this year. i met my mama after four months of not seeing each other but she made me upset and literally left me at the side of the road. a hearty reunion! i texted you, but you ignored me. your last seens showed how you were ignoring me.

and when you did talk to me, what did you say? you said i was exaggerating, and that you didnt believe me.

i couldnt help it, i did what i did in the past. you abandoned me for a moment there, and all i could do was remember the promise i made you of across in abandonment, down in death.

i really needed you. but you werent there. you didnt want to be there.

had my first day of tertiary education two days later, and i had to cover what i did. they were a constant reminder of you not being there. even when i was afraid of my new classmates seeing them and not accepting me for it. do you know how afraid i was...?

still, i forgave you each time i looked at them.

a dozen purple hyacinths, to and fro; just that i am forcing them out of you while i willingly give a thousand to you.

Still developing, still learning.

once upon a time, she who had a good husband went looking for another man outside the household.

she brought her daughter on their dates, and her daughter watched them caress each other as he held she in his arms. the little girl couldn't focus on the movie; she was getting fascinated with the way she and the man enjoyed the other's embrace.

once upon another time, he who had a sweet girlfriend went looking for another girl from the very same classroom.

he wasnt having any problems with his girlfriend but he went to look for solace from the girl. he held her hand and he held her in his arms and he made her fall in love with him.

i dont even know what 'karma' is anymore. it means so many things. not only in the sense that you get treated the way you treat others; but what about in the sense that you are now treating others how you were treated in the past? what about in the sense that you've watched your role models do "bad" things that you are doing right now?

i lost my last baby tooth yesterday; my symbol of immaturity, if you remember from this post.

now that it's gone, i feel like i can finally move on in life. i've been admiring the space between my other adult teeth and staring at the top of my last growing adult tooth sprouting from my gum.

and then i thought; just because the milk tooth is out, it doesnt mean the adult tooth will just as instantly grow in its place. it takes time for the latter as well.

give me time, would you? i'm still growing up. i still dont know what goes on in my head. you're right, i have escaped it, physically, but i sure as hell havent escaped it mentally.

give me more time, would you, baby?

'Aamir and I. [for fifteen minutes]

the boy popped by for a visit yesterday. we had the best sandwiches i've ever tasted, and coke which his stomach was not able to digest.

A metaphor not worth reading.

it just breaks my heart to walk past the places where i'd wanted to go. but have no authorised access to. it just pains me, to imagine myself being able to go there. but in reality, i'm not.

it feels like i'm lost. i know where i'm going, but i'm not even sure what i'm doing here. i know i'm heading north. but what am i gonna do once i'm there? why am i even here in the south?

o well. at least here where i am, i get to gain experience, acquaintances; what i never once expected to obtain. at least i know i am gonna continue walking; because i havent got what i wanted.

i will keep on walking. til i get to where i really want. for now wherever my destination is, i'll get there, complete what i must, and then i'll head towards where i really want to.

i just hope, that by the time i get to the north, i still have the same desire to go where i want to right now.

____

am in class now. just a quick update. smell ya later!

A new semester.

opens new post

remember back in our childhoods when we were kids getting all worked up over Mew's clone because he was so powerful and so cool?

well, there is a rumoured new form of Mewtwo in Pokemon X and Pokemon Y.
and it looks like this.

a tail on the head! so c o o l!! :-)

SURF through seas, FLY through skies, ROCK SMASH and CUT through all obstacles, back to Kanto and hide in Pallet Town

____

Saturday, 6th of April, 2013

had one last date with 'Aamir. he's starting school on the 8th and he was gonna be real busy soon. as would i. so i just thought i'd better spend my off day with the boy.

he had a long journey through the North South and Circle lines before meeting me at Paya Lebar, and we made our way to Lavender to look for a street we've both never been to.

and the shop we were looking for was closed.

Bugis was our next stop, where we went to Cotton On; and he picked out a pair of jeans and a shirt for me {: where the hell can you get a boyfriend who picks out clothes for you?

tried them on and damn girl. for once i liked what i saw in the mirror. 'Aamir did a good job.

so i had a conversation with the salesgirl which i initiated, and i was telling 'Aamir about it when he gave a surprised smile and said; "you started a conversation?" and he gave me applause.

he kept staring at me and exclaiming, "you look so pretty today!" because i wore my hat like how i always did on our first few dates {: to ignite that memory, and spark the passion, you know?

sat at the staircase  snacking on fishballs, chicken wings and cheap apple juice before heading to Tampines to meet an Instashop owner.

'Aamir and i were really pissed at each other at this point of time. it was something i did, but i only got pissed at him because he was rejecting my advances to cheer him up.

in the end i got him a meal from Burger King and specially presented his chocolate sundae to him, before he decided he wanted to talk to me.

made our way to Woodlands, all the way in the green and red lines, to do a little bit more shopping before heading to the gym to meet Luke.

and that was the last time i hung out with 'Aamir before he started school.

____

Sunday,7th of April, 2013.

upon alighting from bus 3, i straightway ran down the street, across the road, and up the escalators, only slowing down to turn corners. and damn girl! i was still late for work! 

still, i did what i always do when i am late on Sunday mornings: slack. Shushan repeatedly came to me and exclaimed, "SLACKER!" i just laughed and practically dragged myself to do my work. 

even when we both had our things to do, i kept going to her and telling her about my date with 'Aamir the day before, and making her admit how adorable the boy really is :3 

the thing about the tuna puffs made me laugh til i was literally kneeling on the floor clutching my stomach!! holy shit that was priceless! 

when we were both done with our tasks, and there were no more customers coming in, i went down to get us bubble tea. the usual; i didnt have to say anything and the bubble tea lady already knew what i wanted, for myself and for Shushan. 

we were slacking back at the bakery, when Shushan received a text from Lady Boss. she read out loud; "lao ban shuo, yo kong, *some tasks that we were supposed to do on our own initiative*" 

and Shushan was like, "scary right? how she know we are free now? she got spy sia." 

so we decided to take a cloth and clean the shit out of every surface we could find. 

and yes! once again i got addicted to cleaning for a while there. Shushan kept stealing my best friend Cif from me, and kept meddling with the space that i was cleaning. we had so much fun that it didnt feel like work at all! 

during the night shift, though, there were so many customers coming and going, and although it was time for me to go, i decided to stay and help Shushan because she looked so stressed. 

we endured the endless waves of annoying customers, til it was 8, and i left when things were getting quiet again. 

and that was the last time i worked a whole day with Shushan. 

____

Monday, 8th of April, 2013.

came the day both 'Aamir and Shushan started at their respective new schools. i dragged myself to work, knowing Shushan wouldnt be there, knowing i would not be able to text 'Aamir. i felt so alone, i felt left behind. 

it felt like they were walking roads which i would never be able to reach. 

thats how alone i felt. 

____

Monday, 15th of April, 2013 - Friday, 19th of April, 2013

had brand new Converse on my feet, and on the Paya Lebar MRT platform, i took the train heading to Joo Koon instead of Pasir Ris; i was on my way to school instead of work, finally!

both 'Aamir and Shushan were texting me too; i was not alone after all. silly me to think i was getting abandoned. they gave me support i needed to feel confident about myself, and damn girl! i was early in reaching school :D 

my classmates were, initially, really quiet. annoyingly quiet in my humble opinion. you couldnt blame me for comparing them to my previous classmates, the chaotic 4/2 2011 and 5/1 2012. 

there is this one particular guy who caught my attention for looking really unamused. and when i say unamused, he really looks unamused. 

so unamused that it began to amuse me. 

the lunch with advisor on Thursday the 18th was awesome. by then most of us were in the class Whatsapp group, and when things got a little awkward, we do what we do when we are awkward... look at our phones. 

we were snickering here and there and occasionally burst into laughter throughout the presentation, til the advisor had to ask, "what are you all laughing about?"

and the unamused guy? his name is Shafie. and during that hour or so, he looked so darn amused. 

i couldnt stop giggling myself! this class is awesome. 1A1, just so you know :3

we chatted til 2 in the morning, the wee hours of Friday the 19th; and we got pizza together before school started. Shafie was looking smokin hot but damn, it started raining and we were all freezing. 

at least the rain stopped when it was time to make our way to school. arrived at the lecture hall early, and we all sat down to Whatsapp for a while, still giggling here and there XD 

when the briefings were over, Susan and i went to the poolside canteen, with Shafie and Qi Hong joining us a while later. the more i talked to Shafie, the more amused i was because he was so darn good at keeping that unamused face! 

the four of us hung out at the Grandstand to charge phone [Shafie] and look at people in their sports ccas [Susan]. talked a bit, getting to know each other, all the way til 8.30.

i'm starting to really love my current classmates. 

in the past, whenever i started in a new class, i would spend the first few days with the new classmates thinking and missing my previous ones. but 1A1 is different. i'm looking forward to school days with this great bunch of people. 

Poem for his first day of school.

Hey there, charming little prince.
Little girl calling you here from the East.
For granted i had taken your embrace.
And then three months passed without my notice.

Someone tomorrow is starting school.
Friends and environment, everything is new.
People and surroundings, probably scaring you.
But dont you worry babyboo.

With the lines above your mouth when you smile,
Underneath the eyes that are indescribable bright,
Head to the sky chin held high.
Yes boy you today are going to shine.

Eyes will look and some will judge.
Some will glance and wont think much.
Girls will turn and start to gush.
Some might even develop a crush ]:

Just look ahead and remember why you're here.
Dont dwell on the past, because those failures are over.
Ahead of you believe me is a bright future.
Advert your eyes to it, pretty as a picture {:

Wallowing in self pity i may be.
Not the perfect example for you to see.
But i'm not stopping here, and neither are you.
Im not giving up my dreams, so you'd better not too.

This is specially for 'Aamir Kamsari and anyone else who's starting in a new school tomorrow/soon.

Don't stop, no matter what you do. Cry and regret and get pissed at the education system all you want. But don't ever, ever stop moving forward.

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The right hand.

as a child, i was taught to always accept things with my right hand. especially money. every time an adult gave me money and i stuck out my left hand, Mommy would snap, "ambik dengan tangan apa tu?"

Granny also tells me all the time; "apa-apa tangan kanan. tangan kiri tangan syaitan."

now as a salesgirl, people pass me money every single hour of the day. those who don't follow this courtesy would still accept their change with the left hand, but i still make the effort to free my right hand to accept the money.

there is this particular customer who left an impression on me long ago in regards to this. he works at the barber's three shops away and he passes by the bakery to and fro regularly. once in a while he comes in and buys mineral water; occasionally a red bean bun.

he was talking on the phone when he paid, that one day, and i was giving him his change when he switched hands just so he could retrieve it with his right hand.

you may think it's nothing much but it left a deep impression on me. i told myself that i would make sure i will always accept money with my right hand, especially to this guy.

so two days ago, i was doing my work as always. it wasnt that crowded, it being a weekday. but i dont know what possessed me to be so hasty; i cut myself by accident, by hitting my hand on the corner of a sharp edge. with full force.

at first i felt the pain of  bruise, til i saw there was a cut, and a few drops of blood were sliding down. i stared, fascinated, until i realised that the blood was not stopping its flow.

plop, plop, plop. like the start of a drizzle, the blood dripped onto the floor. i crouched on the floor watching, not knowing what to do. and then someone called me over the counter.

i stood up. it was the barber guy. "oh, sorry, my bad." i laughed nervously. i hid my right hand behind me as it was bleeding profusely, and proceeded to take his money with my good hand, when i remembered how he had always accepted his change with his right hand.

i switched hands, and nervously stuck out my bleeding hand to him. as he was laying his coins into my hand, i withdrew it behind the ledge and more blood dripped onto the lower end of the counter.

he looked at me suspiciously and asked, "is something wrong?"

another nervous chuckle. "nothing, i'm just bleeding."

i walked over to the cash register afterwards, making more and more blood drip all over the floor. he walked behind the counter and took a look, and he paused for a second, taking in the sight.

"you need a plaster." he declared. he disappeared for a while and came back with tissues and Hansaplasts; cleared and covered the wound for me.

he asked me what happened and i tried to remember too but i couldnt seem to.

he went back to work after seeing that my wound was all wrapped up, and came back later to give me a few more plasters in case i needed them.


if it hadnt been for him, i would be at a loss of what to do. never had an accidental cut for so long, and not in public, so i wasn't very prepared for the massive blood loss.

i have many points for telling this story. not only the kindness of a stranger, but also the emphasise on safety at work, and the fact that if you keep a promise, it would help you more than you can imagine in future. 

i've been relying on my left hand for now, because parts of my right hand still feel numb, especially around the cut. i cant even hold a pen properly, so im forced to suspend my writing til it's fine again. o well.

it's a struggle to push up the shutters, you know! 

Bringing up the past a while.

Where was he when i needed him? Wasnt it his mistakes, wasnt it his trail of gasoline? Wasnt it his mess; wasnt it his responsibility to clean up?

I called. I texted. I waited underneath his void deck. Hoping, just hoping, that he would just look at me and help me. That he would know what is going on with me and understand that i needed him the most.

But no. He never looked at me. He had left, and i pushed everyone away, and he wouldnt even look at me.

Now, 2013. I have you. You always have your eyes on me. But... You still talk to your ex-girlfriend so regularly. Someone from your past. Is she alone? Is she an island isolated from the people she thought she could count on?

I was ignored when i really needed the one who left me. Why should i give someone from YOUR past the privilege of having your eyes on her, when you are mine now? Why should i let you talk to her, why? Tell me why.

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Beyond saving.

I will never forget how you both kept hitting me without listening to me first.

I recall how she always hit me with a hanger, and he with his belt. ...Oh, i was the one who got him that belt for his 45th birthday.

It was unfair. Not only were they never there for me, but they never tried to listen to me when i had problems. Oh he said i could go to him if i had problems. So i told him. All he could do was hit me.

"Patut ah, tak belajar, selama ni kau keluar dengan jantan!" i remember his words, shouted from my bedroom door. As i laid on the bed clutching my stomach.. "Kalau dapat itu jantan aku rembat habis ah."

I didnt want to go to school because it was getting pointless.. He didnt listen to what i had to say. He only presumed that i was losing interest in my studies. What did he know.. He never looked behind the bedroom door.

All he cared was the competition between him and his many siblings. It was obvious from the very start. He kept pressuring me to go Jc. Mommy told me it was because.. If i did, i'd be the first among his brothers and sisters' children to have made it.

I dropped art on purpose so i'd only have 5 subjects. So i wouldnt have enough subjects to go to Jc. It was a rash decision but at that time i really didnt know what else to do..

Do you still remember..? When he thought i was being cocky just because i was taking O levels. "Dia ingat dia O levels je dia dah boleh pijak kepala kita." what did he know.. He didnt know i was way behind my classmates and i was aware of that.. THATS why i wanted to study so bad.. Is that "cocky"..?

And she.. When she carried me in her stomach did we not create any bond? Why does she understand my brothers but never me? I thought she would dote on me the most because i was a girl. She used to call me her "sweetheart darling honey".. And her nickname for me: "Nure'in". When was the last time she called me that in her affectionate tone? Is it just a childhood thing?

Why did she like to hit me? Why did she enjoy insulting me? Why did she give her attention only to her sons and not me? Why did she not notice that i was cutting? Was the blood all over the sleeve of my uniform not enough?

17 years, they raised me.. Was that not enough to notice if there was anything wrong with me?

Why did my elder brother received help and their attention when he already announced wanting to drop out of school? Why was my younger brother immediately sent to the hospital whenever he had a high fever?

Why was i shunned when i made it to Sec 5, an O levels year? Why was i not bothered with when i was sick, presumed to be pretending so i could skip school?

I never understood why they always came searching for me when i ran away in rebellion to their negligence. Like i used to say; "dont bring home an injured cat if you've no idea how to treat it."

They should be happier now. They have one less mouth to feed. A useless girl out of the family. A ghost out of that God-damned house.

I still dont understand why they hated me so much.

But it's okay. They dont own me anymore. I'm just an injured cat. They're sending me away, my aunt's place is like a vet, take care of me and heal me, or put me to sleep for all they care, so they can say "It really was beyond saving already."

I am beyond saving.

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Crappy quotes.

You know writing is all i have.

It's what i've ALWAYS had.

It was my friend in primary school. It was my solace in solitude. It was my pride and joy.

I dont mind getting criticised for everything else in this world; my lack of looks, my lack of intelligence, my lack of musical ability, my lack of athletic ability.

I dont mind being looked down upon for not being good in certain things.

So dont ever hinder me for the ONLY thing in this god-damned universe that i AM good at.

Writing is all that i have.

It's all i fucking have. Get that into your head.

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Not too much cheese or he'll puke.

now that i've a boyfriend, i havent been blogging about intelligent stuff much. all i can talk about here is how wonderful our dates are and how incredible our time spent together is. 

that's so cheesy. 

i still remember what was 'Aamir's Twitter bio when we first met, up to this day. i like cheesy jokes but not too much cheese cause it makes me puke. 

so this boy was supposed to work but he fell sick his first day on the job and the lady boss told me to send him home, one hour after he started. so i did. and he puked a lot!

you know how in Pokemon contests the trainers make their Pokemon combine their attacks to create something new, something for presentation. well 'Aamir combined Waterfall and Mud Sport and let it flow through to the toilet bowl, letting me be the judge of that show. 

ok that was a silly metaphor. 

took 969 from Tampines to the other end, Woodlands, and he was already wrapped up in my hoodie but he was still shivering, the poor boy. 

i felt bad for being unable to send him all the way home; he lives in Johore after all. 

i'd spent another whole day with him again the other day. we met in the North, Marsiling to be exact, at 8 in the morning because he wanted to go for a run. 

got some soya milk thing which we drank while walking to Woodlands Sports complex, and halfway i already wanted to surrender. 

"can i not run?" i kept asking. and each time he answered with a frustrated look which said don't you dare back out on me. 

upon arriving at the sports complex he made me change into his tshirt and shorts and his first reaction was "so cute!!" stuffed our phones and wallets into the locker and walked out to the field, and yes, my Axes. i ran, ok? i really did! without stopping! 

i ran 1/6 of the number of rounds 'Aamir ran. 

and 'Aamir ran 6 rounds. 

he could really run, and i'm surprised at that! really. 

so we separated to our respective changing rooms and i was done with cleaning myself up so i went over to the guys'. the whole lane was deserted so i just stood there by the door, and there he was, checking himself out in the mirror and adjusting his hair. 

i was just staring at him, thinking how cute he was when he turned, saw me, and jerked hard, exclaiming "HO! MAK KAU TERKEJUT!"

i swear i did not mean to scare him at all, but his reaction was priceless!!! you should have seen how he jerked in shock! i should have recorded that shit, damn it! i couldnt help giggling each time i remembered, and up til now it makes me giggle in memory. 

we explored the purple line mostly, first we headed to Hougang where i collected something i bought online; these keychains of Red's and Pikachu's sprites; gave the latter to 'Aamir. 

our last stop was Serangoon where we took a walk through Nex and sat at the library a while. by then it was 6 in the evening and we decided to go one last stop; Cotton On. 

i made him try on some of the "2 for $30" printed tees at the guys section, and when he showed me he had this proud grin on his face as he declared "i like it!" 

and then he exclaimed, "i like this shop! why havent i came in here before!?" with that smile of his and the lines at the corners of his mouth. too adorable.

headed to the Mrt station and took the Circle Line to Bishan, where we took the red line to Choa Chu Kang. and that was when we parted. 

days with 'Aamir are the best. 

when i'm with him i don't need to be anywhere else.

the time spent with him i'll always remember. 

even years down the road; this i assure. 

ok, too cheesy. wouldn't want the boy to combine his Waterfall and Mud Sport again. 

If they could read this now.

Now playing: The Script - If You Could See Me Now

The man called Father. And the woman called Mother. The two most important people who contributed significantly to our existence.

Did that give them a right to take my life as their own? Is it right for them to have expectations of me, to be proud of me or disappointed with me. Did they have the right?

My parents practically tossed me aside during my critical period back in 2012. Why? Because i disappointed them. Because i wasnt making them happy. So they decide; "i dont regard her as mine anymore."

If they could just abandon me during my failures, why should i regard them during my success?

Mommy locked me out of the house when i came back late from a study session. She vented her anger on me in the middle of my exam period.

Yet she had the guts to come over to my aunt's place, where i was living, and demand my O levels results slip.

Daddy was always working and didnt understand modern things. He did not understand that i needed friends and that i could not be alone anymore. He kicked me out when i stayed up overnight with my classmates.

Right. You're gonna say they're still my parents no matter what, and that they gave birth and raised me all my past 17 years. And that yes, i was young and stupid and wrong.

You know how tongues wag; "her parents didnt raise her properly", if eyes see an attitudinal teenager. Yes, it is true. My parents never raised me right. They did went wrong somewhere.

I just dont know where.

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The ginger cat's lullaby.

Buai laju-laju
Sampai hari petang.
Orang banyak lalu
Ginger tinggal seorang.

A song which my grandma sings to lullaby our ginger cat to sleep. It obviously has another meaning to it. One which describes me and my entire life thus far.

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I made a promise i will not fulfill.

"sit down. I need to talk to you."

I let go of the swing that Halia is lying in and turn to face my aunt. She turns off the radio as i take a seat by the dining table, legs up as usual.

When all is silent apart from the creak from Halia's swing, my aunt says; "do we give you any problems E'indah?" in that gentle-and-threatening-at-the-same-time tone. You know, the tone which makes you unsure of what it is you have to answer.

I shake my head.

"let me ask you then: what time did you work yesterday?"

"8 to 8 something."

It is a lie. But she can't know that. I've promised not to tell.

"why did you lie to us E'indah?" she asks again, expression unchanged. "you were 'sick' yesterday were you? You had yesterday off right?"

"I was supposed to work. But she gave me a day off."

"So why didn't you come home then?", to which i kept quiet.

She tells me how she had gone to talk to my lady boss at my workplace, how she had been told that i had the day off because i was apparently sick.

"Why did you lie to us E'indah? Do you know," her tone increases menacingly, "that the people i hate most are liars?"

She tells me how she used to beat her son up for lying.

I recall the times my own mother beat me for other little reasons. For anything but lying.

Whatever my aunt says after that recollection becomes a blur.

"i didnt want to tell your grandma but i had to. I dont want to keep things from her."

"do you really want to drive us to our graves quicker?"

"i went through all the time and trouble to take care of her health and you want to destroy my effort?"

"why do you like to be alone?"

"this house is not the same as your previous house where nobody cares. This is your home now and everyone here loves you so much."

"do you really want to prove your parents right when they told us about the insolent devil that they think you are?"

She tells me to apologise but my refusal comes in the form of ignorance and silence.

My grandmother comes in and my aunt says; "take her hand and kiss it, and say sorry. Promise you wont do it again. Please."

I still refuse to the point of her increasing her voice. I cant help getting scared... And i do as i was told.

Tears are sliding down my cheeks as much as i am trying not to cry. Strange how tears are a sign of your weakness yet they are always winning over whatever strength you have in you.

"do you ever want to go back to your house E'indah?"

I gather the strength to say: "Never."

Help; not punishment.

What happens when you find the body of a dead child in the playground? What would you do if the one guilty is none other than another child, not much older than the deceased?

What if he had no valid reason for the murder? What if it WAS intentional, and that he really is a violent child? Would you declare him guilty in court?

You do. You declare him guilty of murder. You lock him in juvenile detention, where he wastes his time away as punishment for his crime. Where he is exposed to other dangers, other kinds of pain; for what he had done to another boy.

But halt. This child, this murderer, has gone through more than you think. He has gone through more violence than you can imagine. His mother's boyfriends abused her, after she killed his father ruthlessly in front of his very eyes.

Does this boy deserve to be charged guilty of murder?

When a child commits murder, what he needs is not punishment; but help.

Think about it. And not only in the literal sense.

You dont leave someone because she's not religious. You stay with her and show her what's right and wrong. You know how stubborn she is; like every little boy who's seen more violence than he should.

But if you really want to help her,... If you really love her; would you not stay and hold her hand throughout her repent? 

When a child commits murder, what he needs is help, not punishment.

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Two months together.

i'm really sleepy right now actually, but i shall blog because 'Aamir was just complaining to me about my lack of updates here. i haven't been writing in my diary too, believe it or not, because i've been either too busy working or too tired from working.

i got drunk at work yesterday and i got terrible scoldings from the lady boss about every single thing i did or didn't do. she decided to give me a half day today, seeing how tired i looked.

took a train to Bugis and i sat on its platform, watching the many trains pass to and fro. when the millionth train heading to JooKoon was nearly leaving, a hand grabbed my arm and i was pulled towards the doors, just in time, as they closed behind me.

"hey," he said; a boy named 'Aamir.

he gave me my hat, which i had entrusted upon him a few weeks back because he said he wanted to personally handwash it. in return i gave him the earpiece i had bought for him, a beautiful red and black Sony which he initially refused to accept.

he did eventually, and i watched our reflection as he leaned in to kiss my cheek.

we had lunch at a Wendy's at Orchard, where it was freezing! even his hoodie [mine actually, since i was the one who gave it to him] wasn't enough. what's more he ordered ice-cream for whatever reason, the damn barrel. [although i can't deny that it was delicious]

our initial plan of seeing each other was to head to Bishan, so we did. the first thing we looked for was The Wallet Shop, because 'Aamir had lost his. stood in there for quite some time before picking out one which really described him!

we walked around some more but there were really no bags that caught my eye. he pulled me to Royal Sporting House where there were a few pink ones, which he kept persuading me to get.

i kept wandering off to Artbox and Popular to look at the notebooks and books, but he dragged me to the arcade; the more i resisted, the harder he pulled.

we played Silent Hill first, familiar because i'd watched our Pewds play it. that one was awesome til we got to the point where we both died.

i've never really liked arcades but it was really fun, i have to admit.

and so... he pulled me to RSH once more and tried to coax me into buying the backpack he'd pointed out earlier. knowing i liked pink, he picked it out for me and told me to try it. i told him i do like pink, but it doesn't suit me. and so didn't the other colours.

"what about blue?" he asked, already looking tired. then his face lit up; "it's the colour of your Squirtle!"

and that was enough reason for me to get the blue one.

sat aside to change backpacks, removed all the rubbish and transferred the shit that i still use. 'Aamir hung my Squirtle and Pikachu together, and it pissed me off because 1. now Squirtle doesn't stand out because my bag is blue as well 2. Water-type and Electric-type?? are you kidding me? Pikachu is gonna kill my Squirtle.

he sang for me some One Direction songs, knowing how much it annoys me.

walked to the mosque, where he did his Maghrib prayers with a bunch of others. i sat at the bus stop watching, and i couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes in memory of the fact that i've never done that all my life.

walked to Bishan Mrt station talking about the least important things in our lives, and that was when we realised the date.

"it's our monthsary!!!" he exclaimed.

it's been two months since we got together. and i never realised how that time has passed so quickly.

we parted with our earpieces dangling down our fronts, his new wallet in his pocket and my new backpack hanging from my shoulders. along with a slight grin at the corner of my mouth.

and that, my Axes, was how i had spent my second monthsary with none other than 'Aamir.

[just so you know i rarely give a shit about monthsaries.]

but he's such an adorable boy and i can't help it.

Tertiary education worries.

how long have i not blogged? it's been nearly a month or so; that's long compared to the past where i'd find time to blog every single day.

it's March now; that was quick. i could have sworn it was just December yesterday. 

i've said this many times: this is 2013. i'm happy with the way things are, namely my residence in Guillemard and my relationship with 'Aamir Kamsari. 

i didn't have them in 2011 because i had other people to call my "family" and "boyfriend". i didn't have them in 2012 because i was hell bent on my solitude, believing in my misanthropy. \

i don't want things to ever change, but i know that's not possible. this happiness will only last for a while, and i can't deny that. i have to accept it. 

anyway, it's a month or so away from the start to my tertiary education. i still can't believe it; having gone through my O levels: that still feels like a dream. 

the new school year in a new school stirs worry for three things: the school fees, the mutual trust between 'Aamir and i, and my social awkwardness. 

just a few days ago, my aunt and uncle were talking about heading to this organisation to legalise my aunt as my guardian. my parents are not gonna be responsible for my school fees anymore; and it's impossible to have me pay for them on my own.

my lady boss has talked to me and she told me how many China girls have been waiting to get a job at the bakery. she said she was keeping a spot for me on Sunday mornings and holidays once school starts because she knows how i need the money. 

we all know how my previous boyfriend had left me a little after his first year in ITE started. maybe it was because he didn't have time for me anymore, maybe because it was another girl, maybe because he just wanted to focus on his studies. 

'Aamir and i are going separate ways, two different schools; i know 'Aamir will definitely look at other girls. but i don't want any particular one to get too close to him. 

i know it sounds silly, but i really don't want that to happen, no matter how little time we both have for each other in the future. yes, i'm being a silly girl right now. but you can't blame me. not when you have a really cute and funny guy as your boyfriend. 

ah... my social awkwardness. my good old social awkwardness. who would forget my first job where i didn't talk to anyone unless they talked to me; or my cousin's wedding dinner where i sat alone in the corner watching everyone socialise with each other, ignoring my presence?

first day of tertiary school is not the same as back in secondary 1 where everyone was all friendly faces. now i'm facing a judgmental society where one wrong move leads to a thousand wrong first impressions. 

i don't want to care about it, but i have to. because i don't want my tertiary years to end up like my sec 5 year, where i didn't get to focus on my studies just because i didn't have any friends to confidently interact with during lessons. 

yes, i can't deny that i didn't like being alone in school. i have to do my best to make friends in the poly life; to be myself; but not to the extent that would make people dislike me. 

we all know that my "true" self is a very unpopular person. 

it's a long road ahead of me, and i have to change the way i see things. if not, this ride is gonna be uncomfortably bumpy.

am i aware? yes. am i prepared? yes. but am i ready? no.