it's March now; that was quick. i could have sworn it was just December yesterday.
i've said this many times: this is 2013. i'm happy with the way things are, namely my residence in Guillemard and my relationship with 'Aamir Kamsari.
i didn't have them in 2011 because i had other people to call my "family" and "boyfriend". i didn't have them in 2012 because i was hell bent on my solitude, believing in my misanthropy. \
i don't want things to ever change, but i know that's not possible. this happiness will only last for a while, and i can't deny that. i have to accept it.
anyway, it's a month or so away from the start to my tertiary education. i still can't believe it; having gone through my O levels: that still feels like a dream.
the new school year in a new school stirs worry for three things: the school fees, the mutual trust between 'Aamir and i, and my social awkwardness.
just a few days ago, my aunt and uncle were talking about heading to this organisation to legalise my aunt as my guardian. my parents are not gonna be responsible for my school fees anymore; and it's impossible to have me pay for them on my own.
my lady boss has talked to me and she told me how many China girls have been waiting to get a job at the bakery. she said she was keeping a spot for me on Sunday mornings and holidays once school starts because she knows how i need the money.
we all know how my previous boyfriend had left me a little after his first year in ITE started. maybe it was because he didn't have time for me anymore, maybe because it was another girl, maybe because he just wanted to focus on his studies.
'Aamir and i are going separate ways, two different schools; i know 'Aamir will definitely look at other girls. but i don't want any particular one to get too close to him.
i know it sounds silly, but i really don't want that to happen, no matter how little time we both have for each other in the future. yes, i'm being a silly girl right now. but you can't blame me. not when you have a really cute and funny guy as your boyfriend.
ah... my social awkwardness. my good old social awkwardness. who would forget my first job where i didn't talk to anyone unless they talked to me; or my cousin's wedding dinner where i sat alone in the corner watching everyone socialise with each other, ignoring my presence?
first day of tertiary school is not the same as back in secondary 1 where everyone was all friendly faces. now i'm facing a judgmental society where one wrong move leads to a thousand wrong first impressions.
i don't want to care about it, but i have to. because i don't want my tertiary years to end up like my sec 5 year, where i didn't get to focus on my studies just because i didn't have any friends to confidently interact with during lessons.
yes, i can't deny that i didn't like being alone in school. i have to do my best to make friends in the poly life; to be myself; but not to the extent that would make people dislike me.
we all know that my "true" self is a very unpopular person.
it's a long road ahead of me, and i have to change the way i see things. if not, this ride is gonna be uncomfortably bumpy.
am i aware? yes. am i prepared? yes. but am i ready? no.
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