Our love story.

the first time i saw you was on the internet. you were beautiful. i really thought you were beautiful. i knew right away that i wanted you, that i needed to have you more than anything else.

i thought it'd be easy to find you, but it wasn't. i had to remain in my past before i finally found you. when i looked in the mirror, it just hurt that you weren't there with me. i looked ugly without you.

on the day we met, you were right there next to me, but i didn't see you at first. instead, i was looking everywhere else. only when my friend pointed you out did i notice you.

you stood out among your brothers and sisters, really you did. i wanted you so bad. i touched you. and damn... it sent more than electric shocks up my arm.

i stood in front of the mirror again, this time with you. i liked what i saw. my friend did, too, and she said we looked good together; i couldn't agree more.

i had to have you. i held on to you, not wanting to let go. the feeling of having you on my skin was just overwhelming. you were just as beautiful as you were on the internet, and more.

we have been inseparable ever since. you protect me from prying eyes. you remind me to keep my hair neat. you tell me i'm cute even when i'm not dressed up. you make me feel like i'm glowing just by being here with me.

i fucking love you, my dear hat. others may think you're nothing special but damn i fucking love you so much.

Silly weekend.

in case you havent noticed, i've not been blogging much these days. apart from the fact that i've got a great book to read, i've also been up and about this past weekend. shall i share it with you now?

i don't remember much of Friday.

i spent Saturday afternoon at Johor, shopping at this shopping mall which name i did not catch. i tried on a few dresses from a few shops but i bought only two, for a total of RM50. i think that's not bad!

s u n d a y ~
spent my Sunday out with Esha at Tampines. it was my first time going out with her actually, but she already seemed so open and very much like herself instead of all awkward like i was.

Esha made me try on this super high stick-thin heels at New look, my goodness! it was like tossing Physics homework onto a kindergarten kid! ;_;

we sat at Mac where we talked about exes [both were absolute douchebags.] and all the least important things in our lives.

got a Blueberry for her best friend who was working at Tamp Mall, and we all went to look at the watches that Esha wanted to get for her mom. spent an eon at the glass display before finally going into the shop and asking for assistance.

so while Esha was putting on makeup in the toilet, i had to stand there next to her awkwardly watching her. i told her how i've no idea how to put on shit like that, and she told me she learnt on her own.

the three of us sat outside for a while talking about this guy we all know. i told them how my year has been, with the crap and all the bullshit.

and then they decided.... to give me... a makeover........! it's kinda nerve-wrecking to think about it but hey. i shall give it a shot!

m o n d a y ~
at first i thought i'd go for a solitary escapade in a dress and shit. but i didn't feel like being alone for any second longer, so i decided to text none other than Shushan, and we met up before deciding to make our way to Bugis.

she warned me beforehand that she's not gonna go shopping because she's currently short of money, so i assured her by telling her our main objective would be merely a pair of shorts for me.

but tadah! in the end, i bought not a single thing and she, a long sleeved sweater from Bugis and a hoodie from Uniqlo. the latter had these gorgeous hoodies with tribal patterns that were going at a reasonable price of 24.9 bucks!

Cotton On had some nice shorts that were going for 2 for 20 bucks. i tried them on and they were really comfortable and shit, but like i said, i didnt buy anything today.

and then i got to the house and curled up in bed crying my eyes out. i read my Chicken Soup and darnit, these stories really made me feel a lot better.

just had a meaningful talk with a schoolmate.

so yes, that was how my weekend had gone. i think if i were to hang out with Esha more, i'd really start to treasure our friendship. when she was still with my brother, she always tried to make friends with me but i always ignored her. she never stopped trying.

and now she still wants to be friends with me. idk, i find it somewhat... hmm i can't find the word. sweet? touching? it's more than those.

Why I'm not going Grad Nite.

First reason is simple. Im sure you remember me mentioning that i wasnt allowed to go for Grad Nite cos of my conduct grade. My home tutor had said that i was invited last min on one condition: help out with the preparation and all that. Kinda like a CWO. I said okay.

But nobody called me and asked me to help out and shit, like tell me how to report to help out and blablabla, you know? And then just recently after my exams ended, i was told that mr syafie said i was the one who didnt look for him.

Okay fine so maybe i should have but how was i supposed to know? I didnt see him much when i was in school for my exams.

So that's one.

Another reason is because Shushan said she and Priscilla aint going, which caused Asleah to not go too, cos the rest of their clique had already decided to skip it. I would be comfortable if they were there, namely these three and Farizah and Sabrina because, well yeah. I'd be more comfortable sitting with them.

Being with the other classmates... Not so much. Dont get me wrong, i love them like hell. But nah. Thinking about it, i wouldnt want to be there with them. Id be awkward. Super awkward.

Another reason is my scars. Enough said i suppose. I've no idea how to cover them up when im dressing up. I saw a sweet long sleeved dress some time back but it was really expensive.

Even if i do manage to hide them somehow, it doesnt help my self esteem in any way. Id still feel ugly. And that is not a nice feeling to have on my graduation night. I dont need that reminder of how my last year of secondary school had went.

So there we go. Silly little reasons every step of the way.

Im not sure what my plans for this evening would be. I was supposed to go on a date with Haikal Doodle cos we already had that idea in September. But he cancelled it because he was "broke" and had "work".

The thing which pissed me off most was how he didnt have the thought to say it earlier. I had to go to him excited abt it and shit before he was like "hey listen can we not go" blablabla stupid excuses blablabla.

I had TPRawkz today too. But forget that, already. Now im probably just gonna go to the airport and write in my diary or read my Chicken Soup. Oh, and get chocolate ice cream. Maybe look for a job too while im at it.

So yes. An awesome start to the week. An awesome end to my stupid secondary school life.

I shall blog about my weekend tonight.

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Choices.

so lately i havent been blogging much because i've been reading a book of mine called "Chicken Soup: Tough Times for Teens". i'm gonna share my favourite story so far. it's called "Choices".

i'm not gonna type it out, but i'm just going to summarise it in a simpler way.

what happened was this; the protagonist, her name was Makaila, had this boyfriend and best friend, and they decided to go to this party. they have always liked going to parties and stuff, but they had never drink or did drugs, stuff like that.

this particular party though, Makaila and her boyfriend decided to drink a little. when they started, they couldn't stop. her best friend came along and joined in as well.

her boyfriend was supposed to drive Makaila home, and as drunk as he was, they made it to her doorstep, although her parents panicked like hell.

that night, she had a dream whereby her best friend also drove drunk, and had gotten into an accident. she, along with the truck driver that was also involved, died at the scene.

some time later Makaila received news that her dream came true. her best friend had died on the night of the party because she was driving so carelessly on the highway. it didn't help that the truck driver also didn't have his seatbelt on.

the man died, leaving behind a young son and a pregnant wife.

so the moral of the story, i suppose, is this: that whatever choices you make, it will not affect only yourself but the people around you. just imagine if Makaila hadn't made that choice to drink that night. could the whole accident have been prevented?

I may not have changed the world with my story, but I do hope that by sharing it I make people realize the responsibility they have to themselves and to everyone else out there. Don't ever think that your choices are yours alone. Every choice, whether good or bad, is like a pebble dropped into still water--each ripple represents someone your choice affects. That's quite an impact, isn't it? 

and yes, i do agree with that.

perhaps it's something to do with the phrase "what goes around comes around". that if you pass on a kindness, it will spread too, but if you decide to be mean or whatnot, the negativity gets passed on instead.

see, i told you already that choices are very important. i said this before, but i shall say it again in case you've forgotten; life is only from B to D; birth to death. the only thing in between is C; choices.

alrighty, i believe that's it for now. am currently just chilling in bed with a new tin of chocolate Hello Pandas and my book. o and i downloaded these apps called Restaurant Story and Bakery Story, and they... are... downright... addicting. *shakes head*

well then, smell ya later! *plays z Gary Oak approaching/exiting theme*

Choices.

Just me being me.

so people my age [plus and minus] nowadays are getting well-known in the country for their looks, their photos, their covers, their comedy, their tweets, blah blah.

and me? i'm not a funny person. i can't sing [and i'm damn proud of this, actually] nobody looks at my pictures for a second time. i only get retweeted once every two or three days.

i guess i'm happy enough if people bother reading what i blog. it may not be appealing to everyone especially when i go on about Pokemon, but sometimes when i blog about my personal stories and some inspirational shit, i get so damn happy when people read that.

ah, dammit, all of a sudden i can't wait to be 25 years old x_x

the above seems totally redundant somehow.

i have nothing intelligent to say right now.

so lately, i've been losing touch with music. it seems like the songs i've always liked are getting "old", in the dusty and broken kind of way. it feels like i don't want to listen to them anymore. like my good ole Sum 41 and Three Days Grace.

maybe it's because all these songs have memories with someone who was long gone. maybe it was too difficult to untangle those pictures from these sounds; the more i try to separate them, the more they entwine with one another.

maybe i got extremely desperate in trying to forget. that's why i developed a sudden liking to things which i'd never liked before. i don't know.

i'm not gonna cry tonight, no. and not tomorrow, too. i want yesterday's paper ring to be the last red. as difficult as it is, it's not impossible. isn't it?

been having late night/early morning talks with Syamirul that were very meaningful. i really treasure this friend of mine, i swear. he believes in me so much although i do not have the self-confidence.

ah, ah. i have the feeling the six months of holidays ahead is gonna be super tough to go by.

if you ride on your past, the only thing it'll do for you is bring you in the opposite direction of where you're really headed.

The DAMN urban area!

this collage would have been completed if i had taken a picture with my cousin. but didn't manage. hohum. anyway, since i haven't anything intelligent to say right now, i shall share with ya first, what i have been up to.

y e s t e r d a y ~
woke up about 5 hours after i fell asleep, and immediately tried to wake Shushan up cos we had made plans to eat breakfast together. i was too happy and excited that i didn't even feel tired at all!

we both ate porridge while i had an additional honey biscuit because that's how i roll. went to Popular cos i had to apply for my membership, before starting to walk back to her house.

halfway through it started raining so i had my hood up. but shushan wasn't so prepared and she decided to take a bus back home, leaving me to take a 358 from the same bus stop.

upon reaching the house, rested for a while before showering again and leaving this time to Guilley. my cousin Kak Siti invited me out shopping for my bridesmaid dress, for her wedding next month, so we assembled first at the granny's house.

took a cab to a place called H&M... it was huge! and the clothes were kinda nice. so many long sleeved tops with nice material huhu ^^ but no, our main mission was to look for red dresses. took a few pieces but i really liked the first one which i tried on.

walked to Forever 21 first, to see if there might be any other dresses, but there weren't. went to Typo where Kak Siti bought me two notebooks with quotes on their covers, and then to Smiggle where i bought a notebook for someone.

got ourselves bubble tea before walking back to H&M to get that dress from earlier. walked around too, and i saw a long sleeved striped top which i really wanted! and so, my dear cousin bought it for me :-*

bought KFC before taking a cab back to Guilley, where we all sat and ate and talked in the company of one another plus the kitties.

so Kak Siti found a recording of my parents' engagement, in the form of a really dusty cassette tape. it looked really mysterious and scary at the same time, but it still arouses my curiousity.

how do we convert it to a watchable format though?

t o d a y ~
was rotting in the house, reading my Chicken Soup listening to the main theme of the game Heavy Rain, with matching weather. til i decided to make a solitary trip to Orchard in the mid-afternoon.

so the train hadn't even left pasir ris and i was already feeling lost. i seriously didn't know how to go to Ion Orchard. cause you know, Orchard is so big, and i wasn't sure if the Orchard mrt station would be the nearest station to Ion or not, you know?

so i asked Black, only to have him yell at me. he really didn't have to raise his voice.

i spent the next few minutes thinking about my mom, and her navigating skills which she'd always been so proud of. and then i thought about me, how i was the exact opposite.

i nearly wanted to cry right there and then ;_; he really didn't have to say all those mean things, he really didn't!

my thoughts got interrupted when the girl to my left leant across to talk to her companion, who was sitting on my right. when they finished talking i asked the former if she would like to change places with me so it'd be more convenient, and then i realised she's someone i know!

it was Fazilah, a very good friend of mine from primary school. she was a really really good friend, actually. i remember her :3 from back in primary one!

there was one time in primary one or two, during mother tongue. i called her some names which i had read in a book, [for absolutely no reason] and then we ended up fighting, and we had to stay back during recess. i remember damn clearly!

chatted about our current states, and future, and a little bit of reminiscence. she's still as chatty as always!

well thank goodness she was there, she was going to orchard as well, so she told me how to switch from the Green to Red lines. she and her sister alighted at Somerset though, while me, at Orchard.

right. so upon walking through the train station gantries,... i got completely lost. the signs were super confusing, i really didn't know whether they meant Up or Straight Ahead!!! i wasted quite some time just looking for Ion Orchard itself.

when i eventually did, the place was freaking huge and not as i remembered, which ate more time while i looked for a directory.

AND THEN I FREAKING MADE IT TO THE BEAUTIFUL {PROLOGUE}..........

spent more eons in there, walking from the books on the shelves to those on display and from the notebooks to the stickers x_x in the end, i bought two books which were given a huge discount, and two notebooks that were on promotion if buying two.

so here, as happy as i was, i got lost once again. i didn't know the way back out, back to the mrt station although i was really careful in remembering the ways which i had taken before.

eventually i found it though, luckily. i came to the conclusion that mrt lines are what confuse me the most when it comes to navigating.

i'm so proud of myself for making it, all the way to Orchard and back alone!

and nope, didnt go hunting for any grad nite dresses or shit like that. anyway, i don't think i am going to grad nite. instead, i am going on a date with my Doodle! :3

the last time we met, i told him i might wanna go out on a date instead on the night of my grad nite, just that i didnt have anyone i could think of to ask. and then he was like, "ask me then!" hopefully i can patch things up with him properly when the day comes.

Swinging mood.

i'm really not in the mood to blog right now. i'm so damn pissed off. with everything, beginning with my comp. it's lagging like fuck right now and i have absolutely no idea why it's doing this to me. i'm so pissed off that i'd like to smash this comp, but i'd also like to bawl my eyes out.

tumblr and twitter lags like shit and i can't click on the freaking scrollbar without having the whole screen freeze. and as i type here on blogger, the letters are appearing a lot slower than they should.

and then, there's the website where i've been playing Ruby/FireRed, who tells me to install a new plugin because we now need that in order to play their games. so i did, and when i did, the freaking window said plugin not found.

what's gonna happen to my precious team!?!? i trained them like shit. my dearest Pidgeotto finally evolved into a Pidgeot, took me so much effort to go hunting for Pokemon and training them from scratch to beat the gym leaders, and i finally made it to Cinnabar and Seafoam islands.

i'm not so pissed off with people yet for now, but i feel it coming. i'm starting to get irritated with the black tadpole, although i'd long gotten used to his arrogance and what not.

maybe it's cause i haven't eaten the whole day apart from some Hello Pandas. maybe it's cause i had a nightmare and it's affecting me in reality. maybe it's cause something's bad is gonna happen and this is just me showing my premonitional [no such word btw] behaviour.

anything is possible, but for now i believe that it's the last.

at least this feeling of being annoyed at everything is better than crying over every single little memory right? right.

i'm gonna read a book now.

Sleeping problems.

i've been sleeping at 4 to 5 am in the morning these days. it's not that my body clock got twisted. i do get sleepy at night, like i am now. but i don't go to bed and sleep. instead, i force myself to stay awake by being on the comp.

if i sleep early, i'd always wake up for no apparent reason around 3 am. i dont like the feeling of that. that's why i'm more comfortable sleeping only when the sun is about to come up. i don't know what kind of silly logic that is.

and then another problem is my waking up a few hours later. i don't even have 8 hours of sleep or so. yet the whole day when i am awake, i don't feel so sleepy.

another problem that comes with this sleeping shit is the fact that i tend to overthink as i lay in bed. nights are when i cry the most about the younger twin. i know i should have gotten over this a very long time ago. but i can't help it.

i am undergoing my own personal training :3 am currently playing songs which remind me of the younger twin [we shall call him Red, yes], the catch being that i am not allowed to cry. not one teardrop!

i've been doing this paper chain thingy, made out of paper rings. for every night that i cry for the younger twin, i add a red paper ring to the chain. for everyday that i do not, it is black.

why am i doing this personal training shit for myself, eh? well... it is because i believe i have a crush x_x but it feels like these feelings can't develop further because of the memories with Red acting as a barrier. that's why i've got to demolish these walls.

it's difficult, isn't it. after all, it's what i've been trying to do for nearly the past year.

i have to be strong, for myself first, before i can think about lifting anyone else up. right after i stand up on my own two feet, the first direction i wish to walk forward to is towards the moon.

i want to hold the moon in an embrace no matter how high the tsunamis and seas rise. because that can be conquered as well, with the moon's bravery, and the strength that i'd have then.

that said, i am still having difficulty putting myself to sleep for tonight.

p.s. FireRed updates tomorrow. 

O LEVELS ARE OVER!!!!1

yes they are, my precious Axes, yes they are! [well, for most of us anyways, hehe]

although i was already starting to slack even before my last few papers ended, i feel glad that this battle is finally over. i may have gone through a national exam before and that is N Levels, but this feeling is entirely different.

i feel a certain accomplishment like never before, a feat which i never thought i would have pulled off. yes, i still can't believe that i made it this far. these five years of studying and exams and all that crap in school. those battles are over, we've won the war!

i really wouldnt have imagined that i'd be here. that i'd be able to go through my O Levels. i mean, looking at how my life and studies was going so horribly back in the middle of the year... really, i never would have thought.

i still feel like crying because of how far i've marched on!

though there is still the results to determine our fate.

now that exams are over, the next upcoming event is none other than prom night. i am damn clueless about dressing myself up. ended up going to Esha for help, heh. we're gonna go shopping somewhere next week, huhu ^^

i'd go for something like this.

i seem to have a thing for ribbon belts. or sashes, whatever they're called. and it'd be nice if there's a lace drop at the bottom half. that'd be gorgeous.

now that exams are over, we can all focus on something else can we? JOBS. we've got like what? half a year of holidays? school used to be my main source of income [allowance] but now that school's out, i can only depend on a part-time job to earn some moolah.

i really hope i can continue working at EK!

i wanna make some new videos. but it'd be damn difficult without humans. so might have to depend on photographs and drawings indeed.

aaahahh, i really can't wait to spend my holidays the way i want to. the next time i meet with Black, we shall have a celebratory dance (; he was as always emotionless to my excitement earlier.

i guess that's it for now. see you soon my dear Axes! hope you enjoy your holidays.

Anticipation.

it'd be nice to go to this sale. but there are so many more reasons why i shouldn't. first of all is i'd end up splurging. plus, it's too far away for convenience. and then i don't have anyone to go with. lastly, i still have a few unread books on my desk.

o well, woe is me. maybe in the future i'll have another chance. and hopefully by then there'd be plenty more appealing books!

tomorrow's my last O Level paper, after so many eons of awaiting. i'm going to lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling for the whole of tomorrow.

alright. so what are my plans after Os, i wonder? maybe i'm gonna work at dear old Explorer Kids again. it's been almost a year! many people left and came, so i'm not sure if it would ever be the same. which is good, actually.

i hope i'd be able to cope easily like i did, too. i mean, many things happened this year. i'm afraid that i lose that ability to interact properly with humans.

well at least Yani is still there {: damn i'm starting to miss the EK people now... especially those that were from my "batch", plus and minus. namely Benna, Farhan, Nasrul [i really liked these three a lot] and etc etc. those were really the days.

what would i do to turn back time, right? yup, everything. o wells. o barrels.

my solitary wardrobe photoshoot from July, if you remember. what? i was bored. 

alright. so... i wanna talk about something which is relevant to everyone. but the thing is, i don't have much general knowledge. i usually do the informal e-mails for my Malay, but today's was regarding the pros and cons of JC and Poly. i lacked the knowledge so i had to do the formal one.

the only thing i'm good at talking, which everyone can relate to, is emotions. but even that is difficult. cause everyone has their own stories. my sadness may be nothing to you. your sadness may be bullshit to me. we'll never understand one another because we've gone through different things.

everyone judges, but nobody deserves to be judged. you've never gone through what they did, so you can't think that their way of coping with it is stupid or whatever.

like how every smoker has a story. how every tattoo has a story. how every single scar on a wrist has its own story. [well i've not had a tattoo but i'm sure people have reasons for getting one]

well, these are all just my very humble opinion. but i know saying all these will never stop anyone from continueing to judge.

that aside, i find memory to be very strange. you can spend four or five years going through the same shit in school all over and over again, but at the time of exam, you completely blank out.

yet something small and meaningless always sticks to your head so easily. like how you can remember which books you've read before. which songs you've listened to before. which tumblr posts you've reblogged before. am i making sense?

Pewdie's latest gameplay made me laugh like shit.



alright, what more have we? ah, that's right. i owe Fazerah ten bucks for the class chalet fund. well thank goodness i can start working soon so i can afford to pay her already.

i guess that's it for tomorrow. be prepared for maximum euphoria tomorrow night. right after i stare at my ceiling the whole day, okay?

oh hold on, i've something to add.

so recently there'd been Hurricane Sandy. and then i saw someone tweet about how the movie 2012 had started with floods in October. coincidence? conspiracy? or maybe it's just God punishing us for believing in a movie more than believing in Him.

it's like, nak sangat percaya dengan movie, kan? ah, ambek kau obat. like that la.

alright. goudenbaye my precious Axes. damn i wish you would talk to me more, my readers.

The deafening silence.

i just fucked up another friendship.

this is not an excuse, but i'd had an emotionally rough day. i don't want to be here. and then i see my Doodle tweeting things like i'm sick of being alone, i'm sick of this loneliness. all that shit.

when the truth is; he has plenty of friends. he's one of the few best friends i'd had, one of the few i could trust. [i rarely talk about him on my blog, i know.]

but because he has many other friends, we don't hang out much. and it doesn't help that he lives in the Sengkang/Punggol/whatever area.

i don't know, but i missed this very good friend of mine. and now he's really gone.

i feel like i'm a really selfish person. someone who wants you all to herself if you show her an inch of your attention. maybe it's because i automatically think you really care just because you show a little concern.

everyday i am alone, but today i was lonely. today i wasn't alone, but it was a lonely day.

nobody hears me anymore. if nobody hears me talk, why would they listen to me speak? i feel so invisible. so invisible, that, when i sit and cry at the side of the streets, nobody notices.

this is the dream i had this morning: i had trouble speaking. this time, something was on my throat instead of my chest. i couldn't talk. when i tried to get someone to help, nobody was there.

when i did manage to talk, it was not my voice. it was a deep and unrecognisable sound, and i could barely make out what i was saying.

i struggled with my throat for a while more until some green globs came out of my mouth.

this dream is easy to analyse. that when i do speak, it's not something that i really want to say. and the more i try to talk, the more difficulty i have. and that whatever words that come out from my mouth is unpleasant and not worth hearing.

everyone may seem quiet on the outside, but their head is banging with thousands and thousands of words that they can't say.

it's so loud inside my head with words that i can't say. nobody hears me when i talk, so who would listen when i speak?

Pokemon; a childhood friend.

we all know i love Pokemon. yes, who doesn't. [who doesn't know i love pokemon and who doesn't love pokemon. muahaha.] Black & White 2 was released not too long ago, but since i couldn't play that, i decided to start back... in FireRed.

i thought i'd play the original versions first, but then i remembered all the shit about the glitches [namely Missingno and the truck which Mew was supposedly under] and the lack of individual sprites [which, trust me, is super annoying] so i ditched the idea.

so my character's name is 109 as always, while my rival was named after the black tadpole. i dont know why i did it, but it really made me smile to see his character being so annoying!

from the moment we were choosing our starter pokemon and he threw a tantrum because i got to pick first; that was when i knew that naming this annoying snob after someone who's really quiet in real life was gonna be interesting.

you know the tune that plays when the rival appears? it seriously doesn't suit the black tadpole at all! and i love it when i get the feeling like "oh no not again *groans*" each time it plays and my rival comes walking towards me. idk, it really cheers me up.

although sometimes it makes me curse at the real person when the rival defeated me. like he just did. that's why i'm taking a break now, cos i'm super pissed off.



my gosh, if i keep listening to this, it's bound to play in my head automatically when i'm meeting the black tadpole.

anyway, some FireRed updates. my current team is Charmeleon, Pidgeotto, Raticate, Gloom, Dugtrio, and Growlithe. only the first three were the consistent ones, because i had them all the longest. caught them on the outskirts of Pallet Town, that i did!

i caught Gloom as an Oddish near Cerulean City where Misty was, because she's a Water-type expert after all. i didn't have any Grass or Electric type Pokemon, and since the latter was not so common around those parts, i went hunting for an Oddish.

i caught Dugtrio at none other than the Diglett's Cave, when it was still a Diglett. i trained it til it evolved, cause i was going against Lt Surge in Vermillion City, who specialises in Electric-type.

so Vermillion was also where the S.S. Anne was. and there, i battled my rival again. if you remember my blog post from way before, the one about the conspiracy theories. the one where we supposedly kill our rival's Raticate.

well first of all, i did not injure the Raticate that badly! in fact the other Pokemon got hit worse. secondly, there was one room where you talk to a girl and she heals all your Pokemon. she did that for me ok, why wouldnt she do that for rival!?

anyway, i didn't immediately went to Lt Surge right after S.S. Anne set sail. i went around Kanto for a while actually, all the way to Celadon, where i caught a few more Pokemon and soiled Team Rocket's evil plans at the game corner.

currently i'm at Saffron City; the Silph Co. Building. i just bumped into my rival, who has admittedly grown much stronger than me.

apart from that, i'm training Growlithe and Charmeleon to go against Erika from Celadon cause she's a Grass-type expert. i can use a Fire Stone to evolve the former to an Arcanine, but well, i'm waiting for it to be strong enough first.

i think i should stop talking about FireRed now. or more like babbling if you're not a Pokemon fan. my apologies. though most of my loyal readers are fans of Pokemon too {:

if you've been wondering what happened to me on Ruby, well... i stopped playing after the Groudon episode. i was really damn irritated with it, til now. so yes, taking a break from that.

when i was a young teenager, i had Punk Rock to be there for me through my rough times. with lyrics so fun when i'm happy, and meaningful when i'm sad, it never failed to get to my emotions.

in my young adult years, i had Pewdiepie when i had nobody else. he made my days so easily without even knowing it, and watching his gameplays made me forget all the crazy things that were happening for a while.

but Pokemon's the one that has been with me my whole life. i still remember back in those days when i wasn't so knowledgeable about the strengths and weaknesses of the different Types; i always got defeated so easily.

now, i feel like such an expert when i defeat so many gym leaders on my first try! not only do i research on the Types' strengths and weaknesses to get through the game, but i do research on conspiracy theories about the Pokemon world too.

it's like a childhood friend that is still together with you. he grows up together with you. maybe as he got older he starts to become creepier or weirder [i'm starting to appreciate Sinnoh and Unova, okay?] or someone that you don't know.

i guess Pokemon is like a childhood friend of the opposite gender. at first, you just hang out and play together and stuff. but as you grow older, your thoughts start to mature. you want to know him better. you develop romantic feelings for him.

you know what? it doesn't feel like a hobby anymore. i think this is passion.

p.s. i wanna use Pokemon cards to decorate my walls.

Stammering.

I seem to speak more when i am writing. Or typing, whatever. I do talk, but i never speak up; especially in reality. Tell me who isnt like that? Not many people. I'm sure you tend to speak better on twitter than during your oral exams.

I guess i was never good with expressing my feelings in the presence of people. It's like i'm afraid i twist my words too much and people end up getting the wrong idea. And when they do, i tend to not correct them.

People assumed. Maybe because i said it wrongly. Maybe i let them exaggerate and never bothered to correct them. Maybe i was scared that if i did, they would think i'm lying or something. Because i was never good at talking. I would stammer and be suspected for lying.

I'm not sure. I don't know why i feel more guilty when all the more i was innocent. Sometimes it feels like i AM guilty of smth, but my "child-like" side is scared of punishment and doesnt want to be caught. Or maybe i'm just scared of being accused any way, and being left behind yet again.

I'm not sure if any of you get what i mean. But this are some of my thoughts right now.

Right now, the thing which is confusing me is my feelings for the moon. I care for him, i really do. In fact i dare say i care for him more than for anyone in the world. I want to look after him, to have him trust me with his own thoughts and feelings.

Because he always listens to me. He may not give thoughtful answers or even give me any reply, but he listens. He has never once told me to Shut Up when i was babbling away. And he never once interrupted me when i was talking.

He's always been the moon because of the way he tends to shy away during the daytime. He's also like an Umbreon; you have to have high friendship with him during the night to obtain him. I noticed that he always seemed happier and less tense in the nighttime.

I've watched tears roll down his eyes once. I thought that was really brave of him; to cry in front of me. That was the most he had ever spoken to me. His tears spoke for him. And it was also what made me care for him so much.

It was a crescent moon that night. This i remember because when we were walking, he paused to look up so i did too, and that was when i saw it.

He may have an affinity with the moon. But that's because it is what feeds his sadness.

Idk. I find all this easier to write out than to say to him. I doubt he even reads my blog though.

He's just so mysterious. Sometimes i thought that i know him well because of the years we've known each other. But thinking back, i know nothing about him. He's... Different.

What's more, i'd only seen him under the daylight all these years. The sun never had any effect on his emotions...

.....hmmm. I'm not sure if he'll read this, really i'm not. But if he does, this blog post is not enough to know my feelings for him. If only he could read my diary and know my more intimate thoughts about him..

Well. The sun is coming up soon, i think. I have to go. But really.. I appreciate this moon so much more than you think.

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The abuser was the victim.

why is it so difficult to be loved? it's so easy to love someone. but why does it take so much just to have a little bit in return?

was it wrong to stand up for myself? did it give the family, and the whole world reason to hate me? did i have to keep quiet for the family to love me?

if you have a problem you can talk to me, the father said. when i did, he yelled at me, call me names. i knew it; because he once got irritated like hell just because i asked him to help with a cockroach in my room. what more if it's the teen drama? he'll never understand.

he thinks i love my aunt more just because she always gets me things which he can never afford. he thinks i'm cocky just because i'm taking O levels. he thinks the lower the EMB3, the worse it is.

he called me daughter from hell when he heard i had 11 for n levels. he called me idiot when i was getting the bursary award for my n levels. i will never forget that.

my patience has limits, the boyfriend said. he left when things were getting tougher for me. was that his limit; a bucket of my tears? was his being there for me measured by his patience and not by his love?

was crying a sign of immaturity? is someone's maturity dependent on her ability to control her tears?

believe it or not i'll never leave you again, he said. who was he kidding? o, right: me.

it'll get better, they said. you'll get over it, they said. i believed everyone.

they tell me to appreciate my parents. they tell me that i should love them while they're still here. well, that's what i have been doing. they're the ones who didn't give me the attention i needed. the mother was with the older brother; the father with the younger brother.

each time i run away to seek solace in my grandmother's arms, they come searching for me, to drag me back to this house. here, they neglect me again. what's the point of having me here if they're treating me as invisible?

why would you bring home an injured cat if you have no idea how to treat it?

i gave up fighting for the love from my parents. that took me years, and even then i did occasionally try again. i don't know when i'd give up fighting for this boy's, if i ever would.

i am the victim here. but then again, i am also the abuser. because i am still too weak to stand upon my own two feet...

Queasiness.

you're tired. you're sick, and you're tired. you have trouble at every corner no matter which way you turn. you've been trying to put up with it, to smile through it all. but you're running out of strength.

pictures. those memories you want to forget. rings. the promises made which weren't kept. diary entries. the happiness of your past, which existence you want to burn, forever. they're all everywhere.

where do you go? wherever you look, there's something which reminds you. you don't want to remember anything. you want your memory to be erased, because your past does nothing but haunt you, hurt you, kill you slowly.

you want to run. you don't care where you run, as long as you don't stop. as long as your legs keep moving; as far as they can take you. as far as you can take yourself.

it's funny how you're so exhausted if you stay here, and yet when you start running, it feels like you can go on and on forever.

so go ahead, run. you know you can. but why won't you? why won't you, even when you so badly want to, even when you know you can? what's holding you down?

____

i had my Geography paper today. surprisingly, i thought it wasn't that bad. it was my first time completing the paper, with answers that to me were satisfactory. we'll wait til our results day to determine how i really fared.

it's Physics tomorrow, followed by Malay and the Science mcq next week. and yes i've said many times, that i'm gonna screw the world upside down afterwards!

followed me on instagram @_109TH yet? (;

so i haven't been feeling well lately. haven't had any appetite these past few days, and when i do eat, i feel stuffed halfway through. there's that churning feeling in my tummy that won't stop, and i kept wanting to puke.

i've not smoked in about a week already, so i don't think it's that. if it's my gastric flu that has returned,... i have no idea what to say.

but it's really uncomfortable. i hate it. there's something wrong with me. if there's already something wrong with me mentally, then this is physically.

anyway, thanks to all the people who sent me texts, and private messages, giving me your support. and for those who read my blog, too. if you don't know, i've always addressed my readers as Axes.

if you're wondering why, there's no special reason. i mean, it's based on the link 109blackaxes, which has its own story, but the reason i call you guys that is none.

okay, shall see you soon. i can't wait til my national exams are over!

Scars are better than cuts.

so, my precious readers/Axes. i shall blog something more about my personal life for a while now. you can choose whether or not you wish to continue, because i don't want you reading and end up judging me as 'attention-seeking' or whatever. these are all just my thoughts and feelings.

lately, i've been getting texts and private messages on twitter and tumblr, from people telling me that they read my blog. some tell me to be strong, some tell me it's exactly what they've gone through themselves. some just wanted to commend on my English.

either way, i'm kinda glad that my writing is somewhat getting more recognition now. [isn't it? no?]

we shall start this post with way back in mid of this year. when i was still an island, in isolation away from my precious classmates. when i would sulk in the corner of the classroom and skip school on events like national day and teacher's day celebrations.

i detested going to school. it wasn't like the little kid's type of dont-wanna-go-to-school, you know? it was more than a dread. it felt like my life depended on my absence from school; if i went, i'd die.

i liked to skip school on Fridays, because it was the day of the week with P.E. i hated that lesson, because it was the time that everyone would be having fun with one another. something that i wouldnt be part of.

another reason was because it would remind me of the times back in 4/2 last year when i would always join in the fun. whenever i see the classmates enjoying themselves, i'd always cry.

then came the Friday where i decided to go to school. one of my classmates decided to come and talk to me during P.E. she asked me why i left my clique, and we both had a conversation. the day before, we had one, too. it was considerably pretty rare.

and then she asked me if i would like to study with her the next day. of course i agreed. after the P.E. for that day, i felt a little lighter. it felt like i had the courage to talk with my classmates again.

sometime later after that week, my other classmates invited me to join them for recess. it probably seemed random, but i was happy as hell.

i usually hid in the classroom during recess and sleep no matter how hungry i was, because i just didn't want to go to the canteen alone. that was probably one of the reasons why i lost a lot of weight this year.

it was probably thanks to that invitation to recess that i started going to school a lot more frequently. recess with my classmates was what stopped my starving, my loneliness, and the negligence in my studies. it didn't feel like school was hell anymore.

on the last day of school, my home tutor called me out of the classroom in the middle of her lesson. the first thing she asked me was; "E'indah do you want to go to the Graduation Nite?"

if it wasn't for that last few days that i had talked with my classmates, i would have shook my head for an answer. but thinking back, to how my last week of school had changed so drastically, i nodded my head instead.

my home tutor told me that i have a Poor conduct grade and that i was not invited, because of that. a part of me expected that, but my heart still broke a little inside.

she continued, "but you want to go right?"

i said, "yes. because i have my classmates."

she smiled and said, "Mr Syafie said that you can come..." my eyes lit up and she laughed. "cause i told him how you have been coming to school more frequently these few days."

"really? i can come???"

"he said so. but we have a condition for you... you'll have to help out with the preparation for the grad nite itself." she explained that i had to help out with the stuff like decoration, and all that stuff, you know? and then i'm invited.

right afterwards, i was joining my classmates for recess again, and they happened to talk about grad nite. i told them the news, and i was super excited. we were already talking about the dresses and heels and shopping trips!

now here i am, in the middle of my O Levels. grad nite is about three weeks away and since we end our exams a little earlier than some, we've time to get ready for it and all.

i do want to go to this event. in the past, i had the mindset where i didn't have a need to celebrate my last year of school because it sucked. but now... i really want to go to this event with my classmates. with my 5/1.

this is the problem...

every morning, when i stare in the mirror, at my bare self. the only thing i can focus on is my left shoulder.

i started cutting my shoulder in early May this year. i felt so high looking at all the cuts, the lines and streaks of blood down from my shoulder to my elbow. i thought they were beautiful. they were proof that i was alive. i really thought that.

i cut frequently ever since my first time. mostly i did it when i just felt lonely, but i did it after my parents beat me up too, which they did a lot because i kept refusing to go to school.

as for now, all i can say is, i cut lesser than back then. maybe because i found a new tension-reliever in smoking. the last time i cut was last, last Thursday, the 18th. after my Science practical exam.

i don't know why i stopped bothering to hide them. i used to cut higher, so even short sleeves could cover the cuts. but over time, i cut lower and lower, and never covered them all the time. maybe i just wanted someone to notice. i don't know.

know what's the Butterfly Project? it's something i found on Tumblr. if you have the urge to cut, draw a butterfly at the spot instead. you name it after someone. if you cut again before it disappears, it dies. if you do not until it fades away, it lives.

you may think it is not brilliant... but it helped me. the first time i tried it, i didn't cut even though my mother started thrashing out her anger on me again right afterwards. instead, i drew on my wall.


my point is... it's bad enough that my parents have been disappointing and upsetting me a lot during my O Levels period. if they keep this up, i might cut all the way til Grad Nite.

and i do want to dress up for my graduation night. but these scars...

they don't stand out so much in photos. but through the mirror, they're the only things i see. i feel ugly. i used to think the cuts were beautiful, but i think their scars are just plain ugly now.

all i can hope for is for me to never cut again til after Grad nite. or maybe for the rest of my life too. but with all that is going on right now, i'm not sure.

if i can control these tendencies til then and afterwards, i'll have everyone to thank for. because i think if i hadn't been invited to grad nite, i wouldn't have reason to stop cutting. i don't know.

but if something happened on the day before Grad Nite that were to make me cut... i don't know. i really want to go to this event. and i don't want to look ugly for it.

thank you for taking the time to read this. i just felt like i needed to blog it out, because unlike my diaries, these entries have an audience... i just wished people would listen to me; hear me out.

i don't know what will happen after i Publish this, but whatever it is... i have my own two feet.

Poem for all you strong people.

It's been a year;
Came and gone without a sound.
Or maybe we just didnt hear;
When the past few months tried to shout.

The midnight prayers;
Begging God to return your past.
The endless flow of your tears;
The sadness that never ceased to last.

Do you remember that?
The ways you tried to cope.
The ways you tried to forget.
The ways you begged for hope.

The ways everyone ignored you;
How nobody heard your cries.
Nobody even bothered to look;
Or look deeper beneath your smiles.

You isolated yourself;
In hopes that someone would come over.
To notice you sitting behind the shelf;
Or to see you crouching in the corner.

For you to have come all this way;
I really think you are strong.
Perhaps you were awaiting the day;
When someone asks you what's wrong.

But you dont need that;
For you have your own two feet now.
So my strong dear, no need to be sad;
Stand above the world and take a bow.

(c) solitary author @109blackaxes.blogspot.com

Am blogging on my phone now! Everything seems so new. So... See you guys sometime soon? Stay strong. You all are. Goodnight!

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24 hours.

had a hell of a 24 hours, guys. let me just share it with you.

so right after my previous post, i packed up my stuff and left the house, though my dad tried to stop me. i snapped at him not to be so contradicting; after all, he was the one who told me that my presence was not appreciated.

when i was waiting for the lift, i saw that the new neighbours had moved in. well fuck them. their presence irritated the hell out of me.

i made my way to Whitesands first where i sat and wrote in my diary for a while. my stomach started to rumble halfway and i got really hungry so i decided to ask my classmates out for dinner. i asked Rayner.

Ernest fetched me and i got Maccy D cause there was really nothing else. when we got to their cinammon spot, Jiayao and the guys were practically monkeying around. turned out, they were playing Charades.

watching them play really cheered me up. they got in pairs and we all had to guess what their sentences were. the way they jumped and shook their heads, or brightened their eyes when one of us guessers got a word right. it was just too memorable.

i really liked a lot of Cedric and Chengyong's, honestly! their sentences and performances. i totally forgot all that had happened back at my house for a while there.

they all started to play Spiderweb next. the tension between Jiayao and Rayner and the way they all kept wanting to attack Ernest was just so funny, and Cedric won three rounds!

Eli even called to tell Jiayao that she could hear them laughing from her house!

we all walked away from there around 11 i guess? made our way to the really nicely-structured carpark between Pasir Ris and Tamp.

i used to climb shelters on carparks too, in a pathetic way while the younger twin did his parkour. last night reminded me of those times, more than 2 years ago. but a part of me whispered to me Hey; you have new memories to replace those, now, don't you?

we all gathered at the middle of the basketball court, right around the circle in the middle. Jiayao was sweet enough to be so concerned about where i was gonna stay for the night, so he called Wanxuan. who, well, scolded me as i expected.

it was sweet that she cared too. i've written about these two in my diary a lot; somehow they're always the ones being concerned about me, caring for me.

but nope. i was still against the idea of going to Pasir Ris or Paya Lebar.

i stayed with the guys there at the basketball court, and i was falling asleep til i heard Jiayao mentioning something supernatural. and we all ended up sharing ghost stories.

by then it was way past midnight, probably nearing around 1? as nerve-wrecking or cold as it got, i really enjoyed being in that cosy circle, wrapped around my foster brother's hoodie, in the company of my lovely class/schoolmates.

had a fair exchange of stories and all, until Jiayao interrupted one of his, and said: "i think i better stop talking now. i swear to God i need to fucking stop talking right now." that really got me nervous.

at one point he asked Chengyong, "eh Chengyong, when we were talking just now, you lying down ah?" and Chengyong said no i think, to which Jiayao asked again, "so all along you were sitting up?"

and then Ernest said he felt the wind change direction, and that it was even coming from different directions.

Jiayao soon suggested we make a move, so we all did. by then it was 2, and i was getting somewhat freaked out.

so this morning woke up to texts; from Had Rafael and the black tadpole. the former with a Good morning, one less lonely girl, and the latter with a How are you feeling? your stomach? answered both and got up to have a good shower.

i had really good hosts, thank you very much. though i annoyed him by waking him up every half an hour, my apologies! i got him to teach me SS too, and i think i am banging on conflicts/bonding now. i hope it's not too late.

went off at 11, thanking my host again, and went off to meet Shushan next. thank goodness there was a charger at her place so i left my phone behind while we went off to Maccy D to study.

got cold so i changed into my sweater for a little while, and then many eons later, she tested me for my causes of the Sri Lankan conflict. i did a great job!

took a break at 4, and went off to meet Had Rafael at dte. saw Azreenie and Dhabitah, so we talked for a little bit while waiting for Rafe. Azreenie really wanted a notebook! maybe i shall give her one of my unused ones, cos she seemed like she had a hard time.

Rafael came some time later, and he had this craving to go to the mangrove at pasir ris park. so i brought him there, and he was really so excited!

so before we went in, he mentioned that the one thing he's afraid of is bees. i told him not to worry because there weren't any in the mangrove, and he calmed down for a while.

halfway through the trek [which i swear he was being annoying throughout] this tiny little bee came flying from afar, and we both froze and stared at it, til it came flying towards us. that was when we went into chaos.

Rafael ducked real low and had his hands on his head, while i grabbed him and pulled him back, practically crouching as well. we must have looked so dumb.

it disappeared, and we decided to continue walking. we were still being damn noisy about the bee though! i was just telling him again that there are no bees in the mangrove, when that damn beast came back.

well the same thing happened with Rafe and i, we panicked like hell once again. really, that was so dumb, but it was so funny! damn memorable! i couldnt stop laughing.

that was enough trouble already so we decided to walk back to dte. we took turns blasting our own music, only to get disgusted with each other's music tastes; him with his Justin Bieber and me with my Trivium.

when we got to dte, we split for a while to get ourselves drinks. me with milk tea and him with cup walker. so i did a teleporting trick and he got freaked out for a while.

i love that look on his face when he was poking in his straw and the apple tea just freaking flew all over his white shirt; priceless!

i just got to my aunt's place, though.i made my granny cry, my Axes. she really cried so much; it just hurts to see this strong tiny woman cry, you know? it hurts.

but i know she's strong. and deep down, that strength of hers has been passed down to me too.

spilled my heart out to the moon. but he didn't seem to give a shit. what's new?

shall blog more tomorrow. i've had a hell of a 24 hours, and i think i deserve my rest now. thank you very much to everyone who accompanied me throughout this whole period, though, be it in person, calls or texts.

and thank you too for taking the time to read this.

and they said a police report would be made for being missing for 24 hours. no? right.

Pain.

i'm just studying peacefully at the kitchen table, as i was the whole day because nobody was in the house. she comes home and when she's in the kitchen, i happen to get tired. so i stare at my books and decide to pack up.

as soon as i make the decision, she yells at me that she wants to use the table. i don't respond and start to put a few of my pens into my pencil case. she comes to me and tells me to move away again, this time in an increased voice. so i answer, "yeah, i'm moving."

she yells again, "shut up! don't answer!" i give her my WTF look and says again, "i just said yeah i'm moving." and she practically screams for me to shut up. "don't raise your voice at me! NEVER raise your voice at me!"

i point out that i never did, and that she's the one raising her voice. "shut up! i am your parent, i am different! i am your mother!" i stop packing and stare at her. "what is your problem?" i ask. [note that i don't raise my voice, not one bit]

she loses it here. she stomps over and kicks the chair, throwing it against the iron board. she hovers over my laptop which is playing the soundtrack of To The Moon, and yells, "do you want me to throw this!? do you want me to throw this!?"

ah, fuck me. is all i can think of. i stare at the mess which her kick has made. i repeat, "what is wrong with you? what do you want from me?" somehow, asking her what's wrong is always what makes it wrong. if you get what i mean.

note. i have never raised my voice throughout her entire screamfest.

well, no worries. i continue packing while she continues screaming, and i stuff everything into my backpack just so i can get away from this faster.

when i get to my room, i start to cry. why does she hate me so much? is all i can think of.

i look at the butterfly that i had drawn on my left shoulder. it's my first butterfly from The Butterfly Project, and i've already made a pact not to cut myself. what's more, i've named it Natalee, after my very good friend who cares for me. i don't want it to die so quickly.

so i decide to do something else. i decide to draw on my wall, the space above my bed. that woman's voice rings in my head; you're crazy! delinquent! you son of a bitch! tears roll down my face but i try not to sob because it tells myself that i'm weak.

i want my foster brother here with me, but he's probably busy. and then i think of something else: tomorrow is Hari Raya Haji. why is she doing this to me tonight?

i make plans to run away from home in the early hours of Hari Raya Haji. i decide to draw myself on my wall with the words don't you dare miss me next to it.

this morning when i woke up, the first thing i do is take out my social studies and study. my bedroom light has blown and i can't study there which is why i'm at the dining table instead.

that woman has cooked dishes which i really like. i watch my little brother eat next to me and i really want some. i sneak a few bites of the rendang daging from his plate. when i want to get some for myself, that woman is practically watching the kitchen like a hawk.

in the end, i only manage to steal two pieces of fried chicken. well it's fine, i suppose. i do love chicken.

although it'd be nice to have a little of that ayam masak merah and that lontong and more rendang daging...

i continue to study.

here comes evening and she's asking my brother to ask me where is my baju kurung. i tell him i don't know, cos i really don't. she tells [no sorry, i mean yell.] she yells at me to search for it. i totally refuse because 1.i don't wanna follow them out. 2. i don't like her manners.

once again she loses it. she yells at me repeatedly, all of which i ignore. she runs to the room and gets something to hit me with, as she always does. but this time i don't shrivel from her threathening stance. maybe i've grown stronger.

i continue writing into my social studies notebook. "look at me! you look at me when i am talking to you!" she is not even talking, my dear Axes. she is yelling.

so i give her face anyway and look at her. my fringe is in the way and she can't see my eyes, i suppose, because she continues to shout, "i said you look at ME!" i say, "i am looking at you, what is your problem?"

"no, you are not! you are looking at my feet!"

for goodness sake, i am not.

she yells again, "i don't mind if your studies are bad, as long as you are not RUDE!"

"i was not being rude."

"YES YOU ARE!"

my goodness, who's the one being rude now!? she's the one yelling isn't she?

ah. the father decides to join in. "she thinks she's already smart just because she's taking her O Levels. she think she's good enough to step all over our heads now."

i've held it in, my dear Axes. but that. that makes me want to scream.

he continues, "just live with your aunt, please. i have no heart to look at you anymore. having you here just breaks my heart and irritates the hell out of me. you think you're good enough just because you're having your O Levels already."

you see? they don't know what i'm going through. yet they like to assume. both of them.

they think i'm cocky.

have i been cocky? i don't think so. i think i have been studying fairly hard enough.

why did he say that? did he really have to say that...?

they should be the ones who are always here for me.

when i write on a post it that my O Levels are coming and that i hope they'll give me the support, it got torn down from the fridge and into the rubbish bin.

and now they're breaking my hearts.

why do they not see that i'm really trying...? why is everything i do wrong in their eyes...?

maybe it's because my older brother is our mother's apple of her eye, while my younger brother is our father's baby. nobody dotes on me. they don't have time to tell me everything will be okay, because they're busy telling that to my brothers.

my brothers are wimps. maybe that's why they have to comfort them all the time and stuff...

this whole family is full of wimps! i have always been the black sheep and therefore i am not a wimp like them. i am the strongest girl in the world!

i hope to run away from this house. i don't know what else to do. i wish i have someone. i want to have someone who genuinely cares for me and for me alone.

i want to be someone's somebody... 

this really hurts so much... 

this loneliness eats into me everyday, 

it's just waiting to devour me whole right now.

For the moon.

you always act like you don't care. you're cold, you're aloof, you're ignorant, and you don't give a shit about what others think. sometimes i think you're just plain mean, and you don't even have to try.

your one-word answers that you give to my stories, your sarcastic encouragement that makes me feel more useless than i already am, how you're always sleeping when i need you the most.

your eyes that are blank, your arms that never hold, and your lips which never speak.

sometimes it seems like you're an insecure person too. you think compassion's a flaw. that once you start to show care and concern for someone; bam, you're dead, defeated.

you once told me that it's difficult for you to trust. thinking back, the fact that you dared tell me that; maybe it was a warning. maybe you're starting to trust me but you're warning me never to breach that benefit.

i don't know whether you want to have me in your life or not. at times you push me away, and when you do pull me towards you to the point that i'm about unlock your door, you shut me out and slam it in my face.

i wish i know what you're thinking. i wish you know that i'll take care of you with all that i can. if you would just allow me to. if you would just tell me how. if you would just trust yourself to trust me.

because sometimes when i think you're being mean to me, you're just intimidating me on purpose so that i can learn how to strengthen myself the way you do.

your coldness is what makes me desperate for warmth from you.

you're just like the moon. you've always been the moon; but don't ever think that it's 'small'. that's because you compared it to the sun. please don't ever compare yourself with anyone else. especially not the sun.

see how the moon glows against the dark background. like you. maybe you just don't realise it. but from where i'm standing, i can see your glow. and i want to be as brave as you are.

maybe you've been the inspiration for me to stand on my own two feet. maybe someday i'll have the courage to lift myself, along with you. and you would be the one to have taught me that.

i really care for you. you may or may not allow me to love you, but i'll always be here for you. if you would just look at me longer than you usually do.