freedom or visibility?

Mother Tongue Intensive comes to an end!

had the third and last day of MTI today. i must say, it had been effective to a certain extent, and it was considerably a fun experience as well.

 had spend the time writing karangans, and my latest had been a 27 out of 40. it's all due to my Bahasa; my Bahasa seems pretty bad.

according to Cikgu Fatimah, it is my weakness, whereby my strength is in the plot/storyline of my compos. she says i add too many unneeded imbuhans. shall work on that.

damn, i am going to miss this MTI thing. especially the lectures in the AVA room with the 4E kids and cikgu ridzuan. it's so damn entertaining.

had the JC talk today, had paid attention although i've no intention of going there, and i've only got 5 subjects anyway (though not officially yet).

guess what! i'd had my fringe up for the whole school day today, from right after flag raising. aren't you proud of me?

had gone to the library to drop off After The Snow. admittedly, it hadn't been to my liking. it hadn't been able to engross me that much. i actually took almost a week to complete reading it, and the last time that had happened to me was when the book was 800 hundred pages thick and i was saddened to think of finishing it. [remember Brave Story?]

you know, i really like the viewing plaza at Changi Airport's Terminal 1. you should go there, this is my reason why;

do wings really represent freedom? is flying really a symbol of freedom? does flying really mean you're free? is your taking to the skies equivalent to your freedom?

i'd read a book called The Boy Who Could Fly, whereby this Loblolly Boy had to leave his humanity behind in exchange for power of flight. he couldnt bring his humanity to the skies with him.

it had seemed amazing at first, but later on, he realised that having left behind his aspects of human life is actually a horrible thing to do. he misses the taste of his favourite food. he misses his school life. he misses his former life.

this Loblolly Boy lived in invisibility, in order to roam the skies freely. can you imagine that? would you rather live in freedom or visibility? i guess that's the main point.

i guess you can't have both.

if you're visible, everyone can see you, everyone can restrict your movements, like your teachers/parents. you would be given rules in school, at home.

however if you're free, it just means nobody cares about you anymore. nobody bothers about you, that's why you're able to live your life in any way you want. nobody sees you as important to them. you're invisible to the world.

it's what i think anyway.

so which would you rather? freedom, or visibility?

that aside, i kind of have a silly schoolgirl crush right now. *awkward grin* nobody from our school, though. well, not anymore anyway.

when was the last time i had a silly schoolgirl crush? o, right. when i first saw that little boy next door with the bandage, three years ago.

i'd loved those times. hm, maybe i shall write a cheesy poem about that.

i'm way overdue getting over the douchebag, but the earlier memories with him had truly, truly been wonderful. the sweetest moments of my secondary school. the innocence... is long gone.

am currently listening to this song right now. kind of relevant, isn't it?

anyway, yeah. schoolgirl crush. hehe.

Malay Intensive! Bahasa Melayu, let's go!!!

heidiho! ohidieh!

no, i've been pissed the whole day actually.

today had been the second day of Malay Intensive, and as usual there were lots of laughs. cikgu ridzuan was our lecturer, and by ours i mean 5NA and the Malay peeps from a few classes which i ain't so sure. 4/7 and 4/8 i think.

the girl who was asking her really long question and ended off with "asal senyapnya?", damn cute!

we focused on karangan today, and i really wanted to give my ideas, but i hadn't seemed to have the opportunity, damn it. o well.

after Malay Intensive, we had another course which Syazana had to drag me to once again. but hey, guess what? the course kind of helped me a teeny weeny bit. it's on raising self-esteem.

after it all, i had gone to the toilet to stare at my reflection and i wanted to bring down my fringe but then i was like, would you believe it, "hey, i'm actually quite pretty."

i've actually thought that very sentence many times before. but i just keep denying it again due to my insecurity. i guess i'm slow at gaining the self-esteem.

past is past. shame is the past. i have a chance at having moments of pride in the future. in fact, i'm proud of myself now, for this change.

*holds up fists* kay. from now on, i shall do my best to clip up my hair in school, for the whole day.

but ok, we take it slow okay? s.l.o.w.l.y............. .

had gone on a milk tea solitary escapade today, but not to write in my diary. instead, i wrote a karangan about a betrayal that ended up in regret.

and now. hear ye, hear ye; the circus master shall be exposing the most extraordinary act for tonight:........*drum roll*......... her ability to write in Bahasa Melayu!!!
____________________________
apakah masalahnya? mengapa kau berperangai seperti begitu? apakah salah aku? aku hanya melakukan apa yang manusia berkebolehan. aku hanya menunjuk perasaan yang ditanam dalaman hatiku ini.

aku telah membuat begitu sebab aku percaya dengan kau. aku cuma hendak merendam diriku yang susah ini dalam keselesaan kau; kaulah seorang sahaja yang aku membenarkan untuk sentuh aku. kaulah seorang sahaja yang telah mengada kekuatan yang cukup untuk menarik aku untuk timbul ke permukaan.

setiap kali kau berjalan ke arah bercanggah pendirianku, kau akan pusing lalu bersenyum manis serta melambai. aku sering tenung menghadap kau walaupun kau telah menoleh ke hadapan kembali, dan menunggu sehingga kau hilang daripada pemandanganku.

aku selalu mangsa kepada kecuaian seperti ini. tidak pernah ada seseorang yang melindungi aku semasa aku berjalan arah yang bercanggah; aku lazim menjadi mangsa yang tenung kepada orang kesayangan yang membuat keputusan untuk meninggalkan aku.

jangan! jangan meninggalkan aku. aku merayu; tolong, janganlah jalan daripada aku. tolong jangan melarikan diri daripada hidup aku. aku sayang kau. aku sanggup buat apa-apa sahaja untuk mengadakan kau dalam hidup aku. tolong... janganlah meninggalkan aku... aku merayu...

the story of the pink tadpole.

*read without music, or you won't understand.*

once upon a time, there gathered a group of tadpoles.

they were huddled together in an isolation, away from the rest of their society, as they thought up of a plan for them to put into action once they join the rest.

all of them were present; the green tadpole, the red tadpole, the black tadpole, and the white tadpole. only the pink tadpole was absent.

the red tadpole was the biggest of them all, and he announced; "we shall shatter the source of life within the chest of the pink tadpole when we make acquaintance."

the green tadpole replied; "we must attract the pink tadpole's fullest attention and concern before we get the chance to break it."

the black tadpole added; "we must make the pink tadpole believe in our kindness and sincerity, however lack."

the white tadpole remained silent.

so they all agreed that they would, one by one, fool the pink tadpole into giving them a piece of her life. once they got hold of it, they would shatter the piece, and let the next tadpole break another fragment of the remnant.

the red and black tadpoles swam off first, followed by the green tadpole. nobody knew when the white tadpole made his departure, and that meeting was the last time they had seen him.

the red tadpole had met with the pink tadpole first, among all four tadpoles who were present at the meeting. they swam together for awhile, before the gem on the pink tadpole's chest started to glow.

the gem penetrated through her chest and floated towards the red tadpole, who took it with its tail, embracing it for a moment.

it hardly lasted. a fragment chipped off the corner of the gem, the glow dimming as the piece shattered into smaller remnants. leaving the pieces behind, the red tadpole started swimming further and further away from the pink tadpole.

next came the black tadpole. he reached out to the pink tadpole, who amidst her devastation managed to reach out to grab onto the black.

they swam together for awhile, before the gem on the pink tadpole's chest started to glow once more. again, it didn't last long. the black tadpole embraced it only for a moment before another fragment chipped off the corner of the gem, and the glow dimmed a little more.

the black tadpole swam away as well, further and further away until he was too far for the pink tadpole to reach. the distance remained constant.

the pink tadpole continued to swim, and met once again with the red tadpole. they swam together again, this time exploring an entire new district of the lake they had been living in. they only looked from afar though; never going in too deep.

the gem from the pink tadpole glowed once again; a little shinier than the dimness that the black tadpole had left it in. the red tadpole embraced it once more, a little longer than before. the red and pink tadpoles started swimming a little nearer towards the deep, dark end of the district.

just as they neared the strange-looking aquatic plants that shadowed the deep end, there sounded a crack. the red tadpole had broken off another fragment of the pink tadpole's gem; a piece slightly bigger than before.

the pink tadpole's gem, or rather what was left of it, dimmed a lot more, and the colour of the tadpole changed from pink to a shade of magenta.

as it lingered around the dark district of the lake, down below the surface, along came the green tadpole.

at first, the pink tadpole hadn't bothered to heed the presence of the green tadpole. she was engrossed in the sight of the currents that the red tadpole had formed when he swam away. the green tadpole finally managed to get the attention of the pink tadpole when the current stopped its movements.

the pink tadpole went to chase after the red tadpole; the green tadpole following close behind.

they swam together, the pink and green tadpoles.

eventually the pink tadpole decided to regard the green tadpole. the gem started to glow once again, this time under the embrace of the green tadpole.

the embrace lasted longer; but of course eventually the green tadpole broke off a segment of the gem as well. the remaining piece was so tiny, and as the green tadpole started swimming away, the pink tadpole started to sink towards the deep, dark district of the lake.

thank goodness for the signals she had sent out earlier; and along came the red tadpole again, before she got herself lost in the dark water plants. the red tadpole saved her life. the gem started to glow, shinier than original, in fact.

and would you believe it, the red tadpole's gem started to glow as well. it was their third time swimming together, and this time, he had felt the same as the pink tadpole.

their gems, glowing together, were as bright as no words could ever describe.

they swam together, exploring the dark, deep district of the lake. they embraced the strange aquatic plants together, regarding the oddness as beauty, gems never ceasing the bright glow.

the pink tadpole's gem had grown with the strength shared by the red tadpole's.

however, it didn't last long either.

the pink tadpole started to feel weights upon her shoulders. she couldn't keep up with the red tadpole, and even when she could, she was weak, and could do nothing but cry. each time the pink tadpole cried, the gem of the red tadpole would dim a little more.

eventually the red tadpole's gem stopped glowing completely.

the same old thing happened; the pink tadpole's gem, which had been in possession of the red tadpole, broke off a piece. this time, the piece that chipped off was bigger than all the previous fragments, and the pink tadpole couldn't continue swimming anymore.

so she sank, all the way to the strange district of the lake, lost between the tall, dark aquatic plants. her colour was shifting to a shade of dark carmine.

just as she was about to give up everything she had left, a current starts forming right in front of her.

and appeared; the black tadpole.

they stare at each other for awhile, before the pink tadpole's gem started to glow once again. it glowed bright as ever, unfortunately not as bright as it had been when she was last swimming with the red tadpole.

they swam together; the pink and black tadpoles. they only dared swim far below the surface, among the dark water plants that lined along the strange district of the lake, for they didnt want to be seen by any of the other tadpoles.

still remaining carmine, the pink tadpole's gem glowed a little brighter as time passed with the black tadpole by her side.

unsurprisingly, as the black tadpole held onto the pink tadpole's gem, he shattered the remaining piece.

but wait a minute.

the black tadpole took a fragment of that last piece of broken gem, a tiny piece, and embraces it properly for awhile longer. the pink tadpole was surprised. none of the other tadpoles had done that, and neither had she. she watched the black tadpole carefully.

the black tadpole spoke.

"hold this tiny piece, and hold it tight in your chest. someday, you will meet a tadpole, who would be able to make this piece glow brighter than possible for such a tiny fragment, and he will take care of this remnant of your gem.

your source of life.

your heart."

with that, the black tadpole swam away.
___________________________________________
the white tadpole swims away, unsure of where to go. he had gotten his gem broken by the yellow tadpole, the orange tadpole, and the violet tadpole.

the violet tadpole had said to him, before she swam away; "hold this tiny piece, and hold it tight in your chest. someday, you will meet a tadpole, who would be able to make this piece glow brighter than possible for such a tiny fragment, and she will take care of this remnant of your gem.

your source of life. your heart."

so now he wanders around, beneath the surface of the lake, awaiting the presence of this tadpole who sounds to him powerful, not knowing that she reflects the impression back to him, and waiting for him too.

aww so cute. pink tadpoles and black axes; a strange combination, don't you think?

so how's the story? it means a lot more than the surface. every tiny detail. see if you can figure out who's who.

damn i just love making up stories like this one.

upset.

and now i am going to blog about my own feelings.

i'm at a loss as to what to do.

i am upset.

i've written in my diary, i've watched aeroplanes, i've walked in the blazing sun, i've petted two stray cats i met along the way. what more can i do to bring away this negativity in my heart?

right. interaction.

no! i hate humans. the only one i still dare, and want, to talk with is the foster brother. nobody else. but he's not that well himself.

what should i do??? i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. i want to talk to my foster brother. i need to. this agony is strong, not even writing could make me feel better.

what should i do? what should i do??? where is he? sigh. just what is the problem eating away the inside of me this time? and why is it so strong this time?

what will be of the bad?

so i've got a question.

if all of us are chasing after the good people, what about the bad people?

if the whole world wants to marry someone who is good, what will be of the bad? are they going to be fated with meaner people of the opposite gender or something?

get what i mean?

or, is it that, the people they're going to marry shall be someone who can change them? it's possible i guess. i've heard stories of wives dying under the abuse of their drunk husbands. maybe they could have had used more time. so it's a pity that they died trying to make their other half a better person.

amazing isn't it? i can really think to wonder of all these little details that others would have missed out, don't you think. if only i can apply that ability to my exams though.

this is lovely.

drastic effects of sitting by the windowsill.

i'd discovered this song some time ago, like early last year? or late 2010. somewhere along the line. it's from Sims 3. *grin* and i think it's beautiful. listen to the lyrics.

anyway, i'd gone on a milk tea solitary escapade. the last time i'd done that was friday the 11th; the last day of mid years. it was uber crowded today! but i still enjoyed myself writing, shutting out the chaos.

writing's full of contradictions for me. i write when i'm upset, yet writing always makes me happy. it is where i feel joy and sorrow at the same time. where i feel suffocated and free at the same time.

had taken a bus instead of the train back to pasir ris today. was reading on the bus, but i got nauseous halfway, and gastric area was painful again. nearly wanted to puke when i finally got off.

somehow i'd felt sleepy today as well, while reading at the library. i think the problem is the book. it's not pulling me beneath the surface too deeply.

saw farhan telor. was surprised he recognized me, the last time i'd seen him was after cheering comp. he had squinted his eyes and mumbled "who is that?" when i called out to him from afar.

and i saw syazana as well, with afiq. wish i could text her to ask stuff but i can't.

reached the house on time to have the last moments of having sunlight burst into my bedroom. that's what i love about evenings in my sanctuary. my room doesn't face the sunrise; but the sunset.

i've not savoured a sunrise properly before. the younger twin had promised to bring me to see one, back in our sibling days. i remember the exact date he had claimed to bring me; 30th september, 2010.

come! look at these. some random shots i'd taken today. been playing with my cammie.

ain't that wonderful? it's the first star of the night. doesn't look like one though, doesn't it.

i heard, a long long time ago, that if you wish upon the first star of the night, your wish would come true. i don't know how affirmative that is, but based on my own experience, i'd say it's not.

Magda say, maybe the world just been a speck of dust in a giant man's pocket and outside been a whole other world of giants we know nothing about. -After the Snow, S.D.Crockett 

what do you think? the proportion of the universe can get pretty scary sometimes, doesn't it? just imagine, the sun is such a far distance away from the earth but the heat can get pretty unbearable sometimes, even to me. (i love the heat)

i feel like talking about distance now.

so here i am, here. out there, outside this house, this town, this country; my future love of my life awaits.

i wonder who he is. sometimes i question his existence. sometimes i get the intuition i've already met him. sometimes i think we've locked eyes and exchanged glances one time. sometimes i doubt he's still alive.

he's probably thinking of me, isn't he? he's thinking the same things as i am. i wonder if he's a solitary author as well? i wonder if he's given his everything to another girl who walked out on his life the way the younger twin did me. i wonder if he's afraid to fall in love anymore.

somebody tell him i'm here, waiting for him. somebody assure him of my existence.

i'm here. i'm right here. i'll find you. if you're really in pain, don't cry anymore. we'll meet, and i'll return you your love for me twicefold. til then, be strong. if i'm the strongest girl in the world, i'm sure you are the strongest man in the entire universe.

i'm waiting for you too. all the hurt i'd been given by the younger twin is just a test to strengthen me before i get to you.

when we finally meet, our combined strength will be so great. our strength and courage will magnetize each other's, and we'll stick together for the rest of our lives; strong.

my goodness, believe it or not i'm actually crying as i type out this post. silly.

but really.

til then, i shall just explore my youth for awhile first. he'll accept me for who i am, and i will him too. if he's a solitary author, he'll understand my past, and have a cheem reason for it. he wouldn't look down on me for my idiotic actions i'd done.

damn, i've not even met him but i seem to have a crush on him already.

hmmmmm, yeahh...... can't wait to meet him. this shall be the first and last time i talk of him until i meet him. i am embarrassed right now.

once in a while i'm blogging about matters of love, eh?

Blogger.

i think people should start taking blogger seriously as well. especially those who blog on a regular basis. twitter, facebook, tumblr and yaddayadda. but what about blogger? for all i remember many people had been on Blogger before they were on the other social networking sites.

shall now explore the world of blogger and start following some interesting blogs.

that aside, i am going out soon. but i've no idea where to go; just the library or milk tea solitary escapade?

okay, the latter. since i want to write. i've got a new notebook as my diary! "Keep it Simple". it's so beautiful.

alright, so once i get back, i shall think up some stuff to share with you guys that is neither too personal nor cheem.

shoes.

i think i should cut my hair short. just the back. my fringe remains.

so today i had decided to bring a hoodie to school despite having neither rain nor remnants of any. i guess i kind of liked to cuddle in it during class.

bag was ultra bulgy today. i had decided to do physics during self study, so i brought along the TYS. After The Snow was a thick hardcover, and was supposed to record thus cammie was added to the load, and there you have it, a heavy backpack.

so anyway, had morning assembly in the parade square today, where i nearly fell asleep listening to mr syafie scolding us.

was admiring the cover of After The Snow, and somehow it reminded me of the album art of the album where Boy With A Coin had came from. thus, the song was stuck in my head for the entire morning.

there was the recess performance during recess, which zharfan had requested me to record. so i kind of recorded the violinist as well, though there hadn't been any need to.

i dont know when i'll upload the footage. maybe overnight? we'll see the rate of uploading.

had spent my lunch with Syazana, my dear old childhood friend. conversed a lot; she's really one of the very very few people who can still make me laugh effortlessly.

took a walk around the poly booths, taking brochures and the free gifts. we'd signed up for the TPRawkz camp thing and gotten an "I'm Independent" badge.

bumped into Natalee, talked awhile about the usual academic stuff before going back up to class with syazie. munched on my chicken bbq pau while watching her talk with her baby boo as always.

o, when syazie was walking around the corner, i tried to scare her but she just laughed at the way i did. and imitated the face i had made.

sat with noraini and farizah during my first slot poly talk, and truth be told the former is a really funny person. and goodness, i couldnt stop laughing at the "i have a cat" thing. it was obviously a dog!!!

while i was waiting for the bus, i caught sight of this shadow which reminds me of MBS. doesn't it?

had gone to the library to resume with After the Snow, but for some reason i felt sleepy real quickly today, so i went home a little earlier than usual.

my younger brother had asked me to write in this little book for a friend of his named chloe roberts, where we all had to write our likes, dislikes, and some message for her.

this is my entire space;

and somehow i came up with this thing here;

i've also webcamwhored a lot today, as proved:

anyway, today i want to tell you guys about something small in your everyday life; your shoes.

your shoes are kind of like your base. whenever we dress up, we always end off with the shoes. i'm not saying we start by wearing shoes when we're putting on clothes. my point is, just because you put them on the last doesn't mean that they're the least important.

and just because they are at the bottomest of your entire body, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be appreciated and admired.

in fact, they are the most important. so why do you, whenever you reach home, kick them off and chuck them aside? because you don't need them when you're home. that's it?

your shoes don't need your feet. they can always run away anytime.

when you outgrow your old ones, you should place them somewhere in the outside world for them to roam free. maybe they'd separate, but at least they'll continue running.

once again i say: if the things i say don't make sense to you, find your own meaning from my words. as long as they teach you something positively valuable. eg once something has served you and which services are no longer needed, appreciate all it had done for you in the past, and let it have the freedom it deserves. do it a favour to aid in its freedom. like your parents, if you want to think that.

get it?

*yawns*

that is an indicator for my slumber.

o, and speaking of shoes. there is a superstition i'd heard, not to give someone a pair of shoes as a gift lest you want them to walk out of your life.

two years ago, the younger twin had given me a pair of school shoes cause mine were broken.

who was the one who had walked away; again and again?

a dream i had during art.

holy firetruck! i'd forgotten to share one more thing with you from today.
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he has done so many things in his life until a point where he gets himself stuck at a dead end with no way out.

the only escape is to rewind back time, which is exactly what he does. i watch him re-do everything he'd done earlier, only backwards this time.

he is in the midst of picking back up a gangster which he had beaten to a pulp earlier, when miss christina chua's voice pierces into the balloon of my dream and bursts it.

"E'INDAH! STOP SLEEPING!" she thunders.

i open my eyes; still seeing only darkness. i realize it is my black hoodie, and i jerk awake. he is gone, and i'm back in reality.

problem? find the cause.

heidiho my dear Axes.

it rained this morning, in the wee hours, stretching to the time that we had to get ready for school. had worn my class parka, but then i was like, damn, i like to cuddle in black hoodie. so i decided to bring it along. thus, the reason why i had two sweaters.

spent the morning in class reading, while waiting for morning assembly. o! and i completely never realized what the shit was happening in chemistry. i only remember waking up and reading a text from foster bro about his being unwell.

had English in the comp lab, where i just blogged, as you can see. there was pretty much nothing else for me to do. oh, and mr syafie said that mdm kamisah told him that she was very impressed with my writing. when i get it back my section 1, maybe i'll type it for you guys?

had once again stayed in class during recess, in the same old corner, listening to Capsizing the Sea/In Waves. napped for a bit til it was time to get up and go for art.

had gone down to the canteen to buy food during lunch, and was walking towards the stairs when there, seated on the stone seats was none other than mr syafie. he opened his eyes wide and yelled, "YOU! clip up your hair." and there i was, like, "...............ok."

so during maths, wei wen made me laugh twice.

1. when he fell off the chair, i actually saw the whole process. it was almost in slow motion, he was like dadadoo and then the chair breaks and he drops, landing on the floor and stones in that position. holy shit, i seriously couldn't stop laughing!!! sorry to say but seeing that really made me so happy. *awkward grin*

2. heard him saying to daniel or zharfan, can't remember who. just someone next to him. he was like, "i never see teacher go toilet before leh." i dont know why but that was damn funny , so damn random! i was smiling to myself.

i'd webcamwhored a while when i got back, as you can see. this is the look of 'expected surprise' (?).

had gone to the library to finish up The End Of The World As We Know It. a good book, but honestly not good enough like other books which i'd read. when i was done, which was around half past 7, i went to borrow Happyface, which's by the author of Winter Town. remember Winter Town?

as Evan from Winter Town had said; "the memories are in your head. no matter where and how far you try to run away, your memories will always follow you."

anyway, here i am seated by the coffee table in my room, sipping on chocolate flavoured soya bean. i am damn worried about foster bro. i had had the feeling that something was wrong with him, but i didn't know what it was.

but it's alright, because he is the bravest boy i have ever met. and he has a percentage of my strength, which is a gathering of all there ever was in the world. so we'll both be fine!

o, i forgot to add the fact that i am having another Capsizing the Sea/In Waves marathon right now. and despite all i'd said this morning about having solid walls around me before i can philosophize, i don't have anything wise to share with you guys right now.

mr bernard had shared with us a little story in maths class, where this man goes to the doctor complaining of aches in his whole body when he poked with his finger. in the end, the problem only lied within his finger, which was what was injured.

according to mr bernard, the moral of the story is; you've got the problem. find the real cause. 

i think he means when doing your exams, you gotta know what your weakness is in order to conquer any sorts of academic calamities.

that aside, i still worry a teeny weeny bit for foster bro.

admittedly, i like it when it rains in the morning when i'm on the way to school, even though the cold can get pretty much unbearable most of the time. i like to be in the class parka and i like the late morning assemblies. and i love the chillaxing in class before flag raising.

i kind of miss the bond i used to have with my classmates. i ostracized myself from everyone, pushing my table to the corner of the classroom and just scowling through out all lessons. "videographer/editor from 4/2 2011" indeed. not doing any of that stuff for 5/1 much, am i?

o, but speaking of which. there's the recess performance tomorrow, and zharfan had asked if i could record him, timothy, faiz zainal and some other people. i'm more than obliged. but something's holding me back.

it's okay, i shall go with the flow.

so my next book is After The Snow, about this boy who returned home to find everyone in his family gone. he goes on a journey where the only way for him to survive is to listen to the intuition of the dog spirit in his head.

i love my foster brother very much. he had taught me the difference between "trying my best" and "doing my best". and he had drilled into my head; "one piece of advice for you: jangan layan your emotions."

uh huh! i am the strongest girl in the world. and he; the bravest boy in the world.

shall resume with my Capsizing the Sea/In Waves marathon.

still in English class.

here i am again because there's pretty much nothing else to be done apart from blogging. i've had enough of retweeting for this morning.

and damn. this keyboard is really ultra noisy.

dadadoo. i be like dadadoo and everything i want to remember gets wiped out.

i be like nnnnggghhhhh and everything i don't want to remember stays strong in my head.

there's a douchebag at the back of my head, and he's actually starting to rot. he's calling out! he wants to escape! but no. he stays at the back, rots, and wilts away. go!

yeah i still haven\t got anything to philosophy about.

hair's covering my right eye as always but nobody's saying anything about it. this the way i like it.

once i get home, i'll blog out my heart and soul. right now there's that little straitjacket feeling, of being buried by a thousand invisible eyes, forced to sit in a chair facing the world and being judged for every little movement.

i am a joker at times like these. but really! that's how i feel. so i don't really feel safe blogging right now. nobody watches the assassin planning his attack.

o yeah, speaking of which, there was this one time where i was walking around on my solitary escapade as always, when the little voice in my head started repeating; "assassinate him!" each time a guy walks past.

it's probably the douchebag, from the back of my head. he wants me to kill some other guy to take his place in the dirty old box under my bed.

get it?

it's only the 17th day of May but this is already my 22nd post for the month.

am i the only one who's typing here? everyone else seems to only be clicking. aaaah. *shuts out the world*

a quick update from English class.

i have nothing to philosophy about currently. but here i am, surprise surprise!

foster bro is not well. o how i worry. but no. he's the bravest boy in the world. and me, the strongest girl in the world, have all the strength in the world to share with him. i'm more than obliged.

it rained today, and for some reason i had brought along both my class parka and foster bro's hoodie. i have a very cheem reason for that.

so , what is up right now, you ask? my english teacher is currently next to me marking some stuff while here i am, shutting out the world and writing all i can in this little bloggie of mine.

i am playing Capsizing the Sea/In Waves with the discipline master right next to me.

the album art for In Waves is truly spectacular. i've been staring at it since last night but still hadn't figured out what it symbolizes.

i wonder what the rest of the class is doing on their comps. shall turn off the force field i'd created around me and take a little look.

girls are on tumblr, boys are on some game website. so cute.

so yeah, currently nothing to share with you guys. the philosophical theories/theorical philosophies only come when i'm completely all alone in my sanctuary, with solid walls around me. i guess this is considerably a quick update.

yupp, i am stumped. my mind is blank. nothing to teach you guys. for now, anyway.

truth be told, i know my lessons dont mean a thing to most of you out there. that's because your mistakes are not the same as mine, or you simply dont understand what is it that i imply.

it's like this: we are all in the same world but we have different views of it.

so if what i write here doesnt make sense to you, all the more you should think about it, and try to get something out of it.

in my humble opinion anyway.

clack-clack-clacking of the keyboard. so irritating. i am unsure of myself, that is why i have to type real forcefully. this keyboard is not to my accustomization.

Capsizing the Sea/In Waves.

this is damn addictive.listen to it in earpiece with high volume. mighty awesome. (provided you have interest in these kinda songs)

from trivium's album In Waves. they're actually two separate song; Capsizing the Sea and In Waves. i hate the fact that my phone's music player is not as continuous as my WMP. thus, the effect of the combination of these songs is not there.

still fantastic though. and the lyrics mean a lot too. i love the "do i sink everybody else down with me?", cause there was that one time that i allowed that to happen. i slipped, grabbed onto the nearest human being, and a whole chain of people fell along with me. 

i'd set In Waves as my alarm tone. it really works, i tell you. fueled by the fact that my phone was placed right next to my ear this morning. i be like having a nice dream and the next thing i knew, i'm jerked awake by the freaking "IIIIIIIIIN WAAAAAAAVES" . bloody hell, damn awesome...

in the meantime, i shall keep going on with many many rounds of Capsizing the Sea/In Waves.

i find their album art kinda fascinating. wonder what it means.

is stupidity an act of bravery?

"death, death, and death. the only difference is how slowly it comes." --Candlewax/Con

i can't remember how exactly it had went, but it was somewhere along the line. Candlewax was referring to the choices we have in life.

so anyway, this book is about a stray cat and a street kid, fighting for their survival without a place to call home, apart from the subway tunnels.

the book is sort of from the perspective of the cat, who is addressed as Little Cat through-out. it tells how she survives in such an environment, meeting all sorts of people and going through many kinds of pain.

this street kid sells candles by the subway to earn a living, and he's the only one whom Little Cat is accustomed to. she's wary of other humans, including the girl named Katherine who comes and gives her food all the time.

Feral: wild animals that are not owned or controlled by anyone, especially ones that belong to species which are normally kept by people.

1. we received a DSA (direct school admission) form in school this afternoon. i had my head down on the table as everyone was chaotic about it, and then i heard weiliat saying, "D-ITE-A." that was funny kay!

2. miss christina chua and amalina were arguing about the type of logic needed to solve this puzzle. amalina was persistent on the fact that the dog and cat were not next to each other, but miss chua was dead-set against the idea. "sekali CatDog, how?!" that was funny too, kay!

yeah, the top 2 funny things which had happened today.

had vomitted before mother tongue started. i dont know, was walking into the spare classroom when suddenly had this horrible nausea shit feeling, so straightway ran to the toilet, thank goodness cikgu fatimah hadn't arrived yet.

sat in the classroom for the whole of recess again, this time curled in the little hole at the corner by the back door. it was so painful. but o well.

so who was the bitch who asked to pass the bag during humans? because of whoever, i got scolded by mrs sherri, bloody hell. what an awesome way to end the school day. and to think i had had my hair up for 5 whole periods on my own accord.

got home and went out again, to tamp library, finished up Feral. made my way to urban write after to buy a new notebook. was actually broke, but thank goodness for the Popular voucher which a certain MKI had given me back in august last year.

so i tried milk tea from EAC. honestly, i don't like it. i still prefer the ones i usually drink on my milk tea solitary escapades.

the scariest thing i had encountered today was the crowds at the MRT station. my goodness! there were so many people. i couldn't help it but tried to hide my face as much as possible, but each time i let my hair fall, a voice in my head says: "don't be scary. the hair, douche, the hair. good. no! move it away. i said move it away. don't. be. scary!"

uh huh.

spent three chapters at pasir ris library next, before making my way to maths tuition at 7.30. was walking through the lane to the bus interchange when i felt that nausea again, and i nearly blacked out. but i didn't, so, good.

maths was alright, i understand a little more stuff now. just gotta keep practising, as foster bro says.

let me ask you. can stupidity be considered as bravery?

is it brave if you still have the strength to have a crush on someone like him shortly after a douchebag broke your heart so badly and ruined your life into shambles?

a wake-up call to some. (esp me)

so today i was "the girl with the fever" for the first two periods of the day. apparently, "not feeling well" is always a direct translation to "fever".

i am eating right now, but still taking the time to blog because i love my Axes.

gastric was acting up suddenly, so i sat out P.E. again. my napfa tests are all in wreckage, apart from my sit-ups and sit-and-reach, which basically were the only stations i'd done all semester.

the teacher was mighty insistent on getting me to go to the sick bay. counter the persistence with your signature stubbornness, and there you have it. a turn of the back against the teacher, and a casual walk-off. i must admit, i was being attitudious. (i just invented that word)

i got damn irritated with the fact that mr syafie hadn't showed up for english class. i was looking forward to receiving my MYE results. o well.

slept in the classroom for the whole of recess, where two acts of kindness were embossed onto me:

1. someone had turned off the lights, but left the fans on. for some reason, i find that little gesture damn sweet.
2. these two councilours had took the initiative to come in and ask me if i were okay. remember the BBQ pit video? yeah, was... that girl. and... that guy. (i see their faces but i dont know how to describe.)

the next thing i knew, i was hearing many different voices, contradictory to the silence i was sleeping in. it was physics, and everyone was already creating chaos in the classroom. terpaksa menyedari diri kembali ke realiti. (is that right?)

had fallen asleep in lunch and art too, where miss christina chua was like, "EINDAH! STOP SLEEPING!" but i ended up falling back to slumber right after she screamed that. goodness. was exhausted.

when school was done, i dashed out, and guess what, i was literally the first out the front gate. alas, the bus stop soon started to crowd, and people were irritating me by standing close by, their bags shoved into my face. if not for the ounce of patience, i would have smacked the FREAKING--

i rushed like hell back home, before going out once again (yeah, still rushing like hell) to ehub. met up with Syamirul and bought tickets for.... THE AVENGERS! take that, my two bio brothers! (foster bro watched it alr as well, but i shall forgive him because he hadn't talked about how awesome it was in front of me. get it?)

Avengers, was, as they said, awesome indeed. truly, truly awesome. no, wait. awesome doesn't even begin to describe the WOAH! of the Avengers. get it?

captain america somehow reminds me of Christian Climer. he's the guitarist from There For Tomorrow. remember There For Tomorrow?

see the resemblance? i dont know if you do but i do.

walked with Syazim around, talking about life and its contents before splitzing somewhere near central. slacked at the es paris bus stop for awhile, writing in my diary til the bus came, bringing me back to this abode.

something simple that you do now will always make things difficult for you in the future.

like when you're removing your socks or pants. you have the choice of taking them out carefully in a way that they are removed properly and not inside out.

but sometimes you are lazy, so you leave them be. alas the next time you put them on again, you are in a rush so you end up getting frustrated that the socks/pants are inside out.

i've no idea why i'm giving you such a lame example when my main point is: suffer now and enjoy later or enjoy now and suffer later? 

that's what our teachers ask us all the time, isn't it?

so how was your mid year exams results thus far?

pleased, or rudely shocked?

which is better: abundant or lack?

blah blah blah blah.

my brothers are discussing a matter that does not involve me: Avengers.

*shuts the bedroom door*

WEMCAMWHORING TIME MY DEAR AXES.
please understand my jakonism. i love you guys.

  

so today, i'd gone to Maccy D at zee Whitesands for a little chillaxing while waiting for the designated meeting time with a certain Syamirul. we were supposed to meet at 1, but i was already there at 11.

i totally regret though. by noon, i was shivering like mad. the freaking place had totally unneededly low temperature, but the black hoodie i was wrapped up in wasn't helping. 

eventually he turned up, and talking to him seemed to have helped distract me off the cold. (i had tried writing to distract me, but it only resulted in messy squiggles that seemed to form the words fucking cold!!! all over the pages of my diary.)

so Syazim (his full name is Syamirul Azim so i shortened it to Syazim - cool kan?) and i were talking about many random things, from the people in my school to life to academic stuff.

splitz somewhere near 2.30, him to school at TP and me to the library to resume with Blood Brothers. some eons later went back before going out again, to Tamp library, where i completed the book and borrowed another called The Vanishing Game.

don't be one of the many morons who don't know how to freaking use the new borrowing machine.

so here i am back at zee humble abode.

these are the library books which i currently have in my possession. such bliss! Feral's the one i'm reading right now.

i love books so much. all things that's got to do with words, be it writing or reading. i don't think i'm good with words when using them on people, like in conversation. it frustrates me that i can think of many things to say but when it's time to release them onto the examiners, i'm stumped. must be the self-esteem.

so what's up with me? why the low self-esteem? is it really just the shame and lack of pride?

let me ask you: is it better to have abundant of something, or a lack?

when you're abundant of something, you'll always be using it, thinking, oh, "i've got plenty of it, i can use a lot of it this time, don't worry. i will not run out."

if you keep thinking that you have enough for the next time, eventually it'll just cause you to keep using it til there's none left. 

on the other hand, if you have a lack of it, you'd be like, "if i use it now, i might not have enough to use next time, and what if there's a time that i really need it? alright, i won't use any this time."

so you keep it, and eventually, there comes a time when you absolutely don't need it at all. get what i mean? for example, chocolates. if you keep saving them, eventually they'll expire and you end up throwing them away.

so which is better; abundant or lack?

tomorrow is a tuesday, and the longest day of the school week. we've got periods for all subjects apart from Humans, so. hoo. awaiting our results. i can't wait to receive back my karangan. i've already got the first person to read it in mind. *grin*

Pokemon Ruby memories.

had gone to the library twice today. two different libraries. first trip was after breakkie with the younger bro, and second trip was a solitary escapade in the afternoon. i'm back now, and i've been once again webcamwhoring.

i can't help it, it's worth being jakon over!

i've been dreaming many odd things lately, one after the another. i have difficulties figuring out what some recent ones mean, especially two which consisted of the same people. been trying my best to analyse them but no luck. my existing theories make little sense. o well.

my dreams always have meanings. ALWAYS. i can remember them (most parts; and slowly remember) and i can decipher their meanings, even the strangest parts, and they are always valuable.

the dreams you have at night ain't stupid. if you remember them and do bother to sit down and think about them, they do have important lessons buried underneath. depends on how you see your dreams.

even if they don't make sense to you now, they might mean something in the future. i've had many dreams in the past of things that are happening in the present.

okay, nevermind. i guess not everyone can remember their dreams.

but i still treat them seriously.

anyway, i'm listening to gekidou. had loved this song back in 2008, and i'm surprised i can still remember some of its lyrics. although there's nothing significant about it so why am i telling you guys?

yeah, you guessed it. i'm bored.

i've been bored the whole of today. for some reason today's boredom level was just... off the charts. i've never been that bored my entire life (so far, anyway).



you should listen to this song. i'd first listened to it in my primary school years. an extremely long time ago. it's the soundtrack of Jirachi Wish Maker, a Pokemon movie consisting of the Hoenn region characters. honestly, the Hoenn region is my favourite among all.

and admittedly, i think the pokemon from Black and White aren't that pretty. to put it bluntly they're kind of ugly. *nods vigorously* uh huh, Hoenn is the best.

i've lost my Ruby cartridge after training all my Pokemon so hard. i remember the 6 that i always brought around were Gardevoir, Absol, Flygon, Rayquaza, Milotic, and SHIT, suddenly i can't remember who was the last one.

i miss playing Pokemon. i miss training them like hell. O! i remember who was the last one. Blaziken.

so anyway, i remember loving the double battles with the reporter and the cameraman. i always frequented the places where they would be waiting, especially after i noticed the three spots that they would be in a cycle.

1 place was by the secret base hotspot near Fortree City. another was by a desert somewhere near... i can't recall. another was by a lake with a waterfall.

i liked all the gym leaders too, in terms of looks and strength. o! i remember buying the comics that involved only the Hoenn region. wow, i used to read that over and over again all the time!

and for the record, gijinka versions of my all-time top two Pokemon.

just imagine if Pokemon truly existed. Absol and Gardevoir would be so damn gorgeous.

the story behind bloggie's URL.

had gone to the library today! alone though, contradictory to this picture above.

had spent eons there reading my current book, which is The Shattering. changed my place halfway cause the first spot was damn cold, despite a black hoodie.

so anyways, i was caught in a dilemma. i had found two nice books to borrow, which was just nice to squeeze into my loan list, because the quota is 6 and i already had 4 in my possession.

but the thing was, both the books were thick hardcovers, and so was The Shattering; and i hadn't had my backpack with me.

in the end i just borrowed the both of them, put on my hoodie around me (i usually carry it when i'm outside the library) and carry all three books PLUS my diary in my arms. it was just damn troublesome.

so here we are, and granny's gone back to guilley already.

i don't know when is it my turn. and i've not been there for quite some time too.

i am bored.

there's no school on monday, and i still wonder what are my plans for that day. what i do know is that i am looking forward to having my MYE results back, especially my MTP2 and Humans papers. cause truth be told i think i did a really good job with those. we shall see.

so anyway, there had been Flag Day today, which i hadn't gone, as you could have guessed. texted Syazana asking how it had went; and lo and behold she hadn't been present then as well! awesome. and yeah, we will be bonding during the make-up Flag Day thingy then.

it makes me think of the Flag Day i had last year.

that aside. i'm actually yawning. i do apologize for the lack of, uh, interesting stuff in this post. i only talked about how my day went. which is pretty much boring to you.

as you can see, i've been webcamwhoring a lot. really, it's the jakonist side of me. i've not used my webcam before! and the other day, i'd gone to Syazana's house and spammed her webcam. i guess i pantang nampak webcam. hehe.

i'm kinda wondering if there are any other people in my school who still blogs. i'd like to read other peoples' blogs apart from constantly writing in mine.

oh, and i dislike the fact that people on Fb and twitter do visit 109blackaxes when i post the links, but they don't do anything to indicate their presence. sometimes in a day there'd be many posts that had been read by many people, but no comments or whatevernot.

comments had been plenty when i first started blogging. that was way back in 2006. i deleted that one; 109blackaxes had been many a name, and it was only created in late 2007.

i guess bloggie actually changed along with me, didn't she? enough said, i don't want to elaborate. i am embarrassed. but i still love this website, with all my heart.

actually, 109blackaxes' birthday is somewhere in november.

o, and shall i share with ya the story behind this link? truth be told, it's got to do with the younger twin. black because he had once given me a notebook that has "the color black" on its cover; axes because when i was really sick, he bought me minyak kapak, which direct translation is "axe oil".

109 simply because i like the number 109. and for your info, this moniker had been taught of eons before i even met that douche.

and i changed blog's link to 109blackaxes when we were still together. i ain't gonna change it again just because we're over and it's got to do with him. i like black axes.

so there you have it. black axes!!!!!!!!!!!

boys have it tough too!

 this is the last book i'd finished reading.

and it really means a lot. girls aren't the ones who go through all the pain. boys have their own share of beatings as well. us girls are usually brought down emotionally, things like heartbreak, lies, self-esteem.

but who are the ones who have to go to the army? who are the ones who roam the streets and get dragged into the violence, gangsterism? who are the ones who are forced to deliver drugs secretly and all those stuff? have you heard of any girls who get involved in those?

girls: dress immodestly; walk in dark alleyways; get themselves raped; cry. end result? everyone's concerned and cares about her, hoping she goes through her trauma and all that shit.when it's the consequence she deserves.

boys: family has financial difficulties; try to earn money through drug trafficking; gets caught; juvenile detention and all that shit, and everyone's got a permanent bad impression, when he was just trying to earn a living for his family.

maybe us girls keep saying some guys have got no heart and all. maybe cause the kind of pain they get is a whole lot worse than ours, so of course to them, loss of love is nothing at all.

that's what i like to think anyway.

so girls, just appreciate all the boys in your life. your brothers, your classmates, strangers. i'm not saying you treat all of them like king, but don't treat them like trash either. they have it tough as well.

for once you're here reading a comparison between boys and girls that is not about love. so, take this seriously.

endings and beginnings.

i just realized that it's been awhile since i read other people's blogs. i've been selfish; only writing and never reading what others have to say. o well. i'll see if i have the time.

anyway, the Mid Year Exams are over. as you can see, i am not excited; neither am i depressed. it's a neutral feeling. after all, the last day of mid years doesn't indicate an ending. it is the beginning of the true battle against our O levels.

i've heard that endings are new beginnings. i have to agree with that one. the N levels period had taught me that. when the prelims were over, the next step had been the actual N levels. when that was all done, i thought it was over. but nope; i hadn't made the decision between sec 5 and ITE.

and after i had, there was still my results to await. and when that came, that was it; the beginning of sec 5. get it? see the journey? it never stopped even when i thought it had. in fact, your whole life is one whole journey. all that you're doing now is a sequel to your past.

and what you're doing now is a prequel to your future.

my principal once told us that we ain't kids; we are young adults who should not be bribed with things like television in order to make us study. instead, we should use our future as motivation. that actually means a lot.

that's what i'd like to think anyway.

last evening, i had this weird wonder: had there really been a time when i hadn't known my own name? was there really a time when i was learning to pronounce my name? and when did i ever learn all that i know now?

and all that aside, i've been camwhoring with my com's webcammie. admittedly it's my first time playing with my webcam, cause i've been using my cammie all along. well, cammie's still with mom cause she borrowed it for her trip.

i can be pretty if i want to, you know. but that's just the problem; i don't. 

wow, i never knew webcamwhoring could be so much fun! i'm so happy i think i'll upload these on facebook. tell the whole world that the one-eyed douche is a happy little girl right now.

ya k .
 
maybe i'll blog again tonight. after all, i am not busy. for now.