i will not jump in puddles.
i will not run to pigeons.
i will not walk on lines.
i will not go high on cookies.
i will not slide down staircase railings.

i will not be immature. bloody douchebag. i hate you .

and yet, i love you with all my heart and soul.

gah, i hate you so much.

o i just realized smth. there're two D-cubes in my life actually. douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag and dunkin donuts dude. and then there's also a D-squared, drummer dude. hahahahaha. k.

heart still belongs to the douchebag tho, cause among all 3 i know him the best.

spent last night/this morning making this.



it's an AVSSS. kind of a tribute to E'indah E'esa and the Wrister girl as well. the latter wasnt tht bad actually. it's Re'ine Nadhie who's the douche here. sigh. i'm still sticking to being her though, altho i dont really like it.

this is a rebellion against myself.

for how long you ask? now tht u mention it, i dont have the slightest clue.

hmmm. i think i shall go to T3 dunkin donuts every monday. to drink coffee and write . and, some other stuff. yeahh .....

off a little notebook from sanctuary .

you think he's really The One when you guys keep meeting each other, again and again, even aft each fall-out. even aft the fact tht he left you aft every critical moment, you still find yourself so willing to forgive him for leaving you behind. you find yourself believing him, again and again, even aft every lie he had just told you.

if you're positive, and have a mind set as such, you'll find yourself believing he's really The One. but is he, really? the fact tht he can make you feel all tht, make you lost like tht... doesnt it prove tht he's a douche who doesnt deserve you at all?

you came back to her each time you left her behind. she's always willing to welcome you back with her open arms with tht smile of hers. you dont think she's The One, you're letting God decide for you. but you're always getting reminded of her, she was the first girl you had hugged, held hands with, kissed, touched. you had said you really wanted to marry her.

each time you see her, you still get butterflies, even tho you were the one who had made the choice to separate from her. she loves you just as much, maybe a lot more, and you'll never find someone else who loves you tht much. but from the way you treat her all these years, dont you think you're just a douche who doesnt deserve her at all?

this wasnt what i had written in the airport ytd tho.

a solitary escapade to z airport.

successfully went to the airport today.

had made my way to the library to drop off Ten Mile River first, resisting the temptation to borrow another book, before walking to the bus stop that had the bus which would bring me to changi airport.

read Winter Town on the bus, alighted at T3 with the hopes of buying a kit kat chunky caramel (one of my absolute favourites) but nope, there was just the cookies and creme one, which unfortunately had memories of tht boy.

tried not to recall, but damn. it was too late. me 0 him 1.

saw dunkin donuts, never knew they opened one on the 'outside' side of T3. it was empty apart from two girls studying in one of the booths, thought i'd chillax there til 830, which was the time my mom would have finished working.

but then i was like, my main intention of coming here was to watch aeroplanes, not to drink coffee and chillax at a cafe.

made my way to T1, up the escalator tht brought me to the viewing plaza. stared at all the aeroplanes, standing on the little glass floor. all sorts of thoughts had came to my mind then.

eons later made my way back down, to the little bookshop near the airasia counter. spent some eons browsing thru the novels, thought of buying the horror book by this japanese author, or the one called Headhunters by good ole Jo Nesbo (the book was only 14 bucks!) .

but nah. in the end, made my way to the magazines corner pondering over which one to get. eventually i decided on Asian Geographic, aft thinking tht the sch aint giving us those anymore, right?

took the skytrain to T3 back to dunkin donuts, dumped my stuff at one of the booths and made my way to the counter.

ordered an iced coffee before lingering around there, not sure where to wait til my drink was done. the countergirl said to me, as if she had read my mind, "you can wait at the side for your order to be ready."

so found a chair by the straws and looked around the little cafe while waiting for my iced coffee to be made.

eventually, the worker dude peeked over the counter and stared at me with a cuppa in his hand. he looked lost, and i thought he looked kinda cute.

he said to me, "is this yours?" i was like, "iced coffee?" and then he looked lost some more before nodding his head off and repeating "iced coffee. iced coffee."

God. he's cute. but he had a lot of piercings, which was damn contradicting to his cute exterior.

sat back at my place sipping z iced coffee, writing in my little notebook. just writing and writing, getting rid of all the rubbish tht's been making the inside of my heart stink really badly.

not saying it's all out clean right now, but the little writing session made me feel so much better. as it always does.

the world feels and sounds so much better without having my ears plugged into by earpieces. like seriously. it's been like, what, 2 or 3 weeks since i discovered my phone's jack was spoilt.

so anyway. when it was 830, made my way to the toilette before gg back to T1 on the skytrain to meet my mom at the airasia counter.

i enjoyed tht solitary escapade while it lasted.

and now here i am, sitting at my own desk back home, sharing my day with you.

i found this in my big bright notebook before i left house this evening. it made my day.



and the dunkin donuts worker dude. he's really so cute. kept thinking abt the way he smiled so shyly when passing me my iced coffee. when will i see him again, if i do? will i have any chance at all to talk to him someday, other than "can i have an iced coffee?" ?

wow, this is the first time ive talked like this abt a boy i met once ._.

unfortunately, unless or until i meet him again and get a chance to know him eons better, my heart still belongs to the most douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag in the world. the D-cube.

hey i like tht. the D-cube. the D-cube yo. hahahah!

i'm smiling to myself! hehe.



and i'd be the M-cube. most moronest moronic moron. hehehe!

...i'm scaring myself .

aku, bersama sepasang kaki,
aku, yang tidak yakin dengan kelajuan ini.
aku, dengan semangat setajam duri.
aku, yang tidak percaya diriku memang berani.

i, with a pair of legs.
i, who doesnt have faith in this speed.
i, with courage sharp as thorns.
i, who doesnt believe i really am brave.

the airport.

i like the airport.

i've had many dreams abt the airport. there aint any memories of tht boy over there, and, it's where i bond with my mother the most.

and i like aeroplanes. i like their structure. i like the view from the tiny little windows. i like to watch the ppl there, the foreigners, and listen to their ways of speech.

it makes me look independent, somewhat. it makes me think tht ppl look at me as a 'traveller', especially when i always go there with a backpack, altho i am not. metaphorically i am tho.

i shall make my way there now. my mother is not replying. i have no idea whether i'm meeting with her or not. o well .

actually, there are a little memories of tht boy over there. but not the physical memories. just the stories type of memories, because he used to tell me some abt the airport, or pilots, or theories abt aeroplanes.

but i shall not think of all tht, nope. this is my solitary escapade. it is where i shall be E'indah E'esa. *puts on glasses* cheyy . haha.

which reminds me, i miss 500A. there's another carpark nearby where there's also the little shelter, but the view is not tht nice. and it just aint the same. o well .

ohhh.... gastric pain sucks.

gastric pains been keeping me awake these past few nights.

ive been watching some old videos from 2011. i must say... it was the best year of my life so far. and im not including 2012 in the years im talking abt, cause it aint even halfway thru yet.

anyway. 2011.

1. cheering comp. for three years we've never won any shit, not even 3rd place. and then suddenly we were the effing overall champions. totally unexpected .

dammit, im suddenly so lazy to talk abt 2011.
or more like afraid to reminisce ?

it's raining. some trivium just played on my WMP . im skipping to some enrique iglesias right now. so very the re'ine nadhie. bloody bitch .

o God... my gastric area still hurts like hell. it's been a lot more painful ever since the fever i had like, last week. i ignored the pain in rebellion against Being Left Behind.

have i told you? during my escapade over the weekend, i made my grandmother lose her trust in me.

my grandmother. the one person before tht boy whom i truly truly ever bothered to care about.

whose fault is it tht she lost trust in me? yes. mine.
no, it's not mine. it's E'indah's. cause she allowed tht boy to make her do stupid things like run away from guilley, lie to her grandmother tht she was gg home but didnt.

my God. how i hate... her.



this song.

once, i was listening to it when in a conversation with tht boy. i watched the lyrics. i was addicted to this song, but i wasnt empathetic. i didnt feel for this person, because...

i had thought i wouldnt be in this state, i had thought tht boy would be with me forever. i really thought tht. i rmb it so clearly. back in november .

i hate you. yet, i love you.

"you know that when i hate you, it is because i love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul."

isnt it strange?

imagine you just had a walk in ur hometown and it was a horrible reminiscence of sweet memories. it was a horrible remembrance because it's a realization that all you once had is now gone.

so you wish your memories can be erased. you wish you can forget all those, everything that's ever happened between you and that boy, because it pains you to remember that he who was once there for everything isnt there for you anymore.

and you really did forget, you wake up one day to realize that you dont remember a single thing about your life.

the first thing you would want to do, is to remember everything in your life... right?

get what i mean? see the irony or whatever the word is?

when they've got smth, they want smth else. when they've got smth new, they want the old one back. humans are truly strange creatures. they all dont know what they really want.

at some moments i wanna kiss the shit out of you. at others i wanna crush your windpipe with my bare hands. these bloody hands are capable of doing shit, and my current mental unstability has the will to do all tht.

i dont know what's your problem. if you had planned on leaving me, why come back in the first place?

you made me like you, and then you left and then came back and then made me fall in love with you and then left again. and then you came back again and made me believe you love me and then you fucked me up and then you left me again.

yeah, what's your problem? i am asking you .
what. is. your. problem ?

i know mine. i wanna know yours. i wanna know why you do all those shit to me, why you treat me like this.

and o God. i wanna know why God makes us meet again and again each time. why God makes our paths cross each time. no, why your path happens to intrude mine each time.

and this moron named E'indah . why the fuck she making me so in love with you, why the fuck she make me so at your mercy. bloody hell. she made me suffer because of you . both of you are in cahoots. i hate the both of you .

but then again i love the both of you. both of you taught me many important stuff, and altho sometimes i dont heed them, i do think of those memories, those lessons. she taught me many stuff which only i would have understood.

i miss you. i miss her . but what can i do? i cant bring her back like how she cant bring you back.

bloody hell. she's letting you ruin her life. my life. she's got the choice not to be affected, and she's choosing to be. and it's making me suffer as well .

i hate her. i hate you . i wish you'd just die. i didnt get to bash you the second time you left, but this time i'll do it. i'll kill you first, and then i'll kill her. it'll make my life so much better .

not giving a shit .

he pressed
the button.
when there were no cars,
he jay-walked.
behind him, the red man
turns green
and a dozen cars
wait for an invisible man
to walk across.

when you're walking towards it, you hurry like there's no tmrw, but when walking away from it, you stroll like you have all the time in the world.

and then there's the douchebags who are the exact opposite. they stroll like they have all the time in the world when walking towards it, but when walking away from it they hurry like there's no tmrw.

why is life like tht? and why are those douchebags like tht ? or more like why is tht douchebag like tht?

i think blind ppl have got some advantages as well. they dont have to see anything, and other ppl dont have to see anything abt them. no eyes to look out of, no seeing things tht hurt.

no eyes to be looked into. nobody to look into ur eyes and saying things like, are you sure you're ok?

and most of all no seeing ghosts of the past.

whats up with me you ask? currently on a solitary escapade. but then again i always am, you say? this one's different. this one's really a solitary escapade. one thing is i dont have my friends anymore. dont think they care shit abt me anymore.

been dreaming of tht boy.
been seeing tht boy.
been hearing tht boy's voice.
been remembering. reminiscing. sometimes i'd laugh, sometimes i'd cry, sometimes i'd get mad. i dont know. whats wrong. with me .

i wanna be blind, or disappear from here completely. i wanna run. i wanna not give a shit abt my stamina and just run, run, run . without mercy .

o, god... why do those ghosts smile? why do they laugh? i guess they're just performers. my personal performers. they smile and laugh while they act even tho in actual fact they're both stripped of their happiness .

o wait, i'm stripped of my happiness. idk abt tht boy. he probably enjoying his life right now. good for him then. if he's happy, then i should be happy too .

then why do i get the feeling tht he aint happy at all ?
maybe it's just my imagination .

i wanna run. without. mercy. because ive got. the choice. and. time of day .

sacrificial protection.

i'm falling apart by my own desire.
dont make it difficult for me please.

i love all of you, tht's why i'd rather leave you all be, so you wont be affected. i'll just leave the clique, so all of you can just be seven and there wont be any One Who Spoils All Mood.








Mg is more reactive than Fe so the former will corrode in the latter's place until it runs out.

just some feelings .

you're right. "what happened?" maybe if you had been there for me all along you would have known. when i needed you, where were you? you were busy with other stuff.

i did try to ask you out but you never replied me. and when you finally texted me, it was during my gastric flu time and all you had to ask was is your job hiring? yeah, you're the most awesome cousie ever dont you think ?

couldnt sleep last night. had naps in between my insomnia , with very very brief but weird dreams.

i aint blaming anyone, but ive coped with everything in my life pretty badly ever since tht boy left me behind.

i know you all thinking he just a boy, he nothin. but no, to me he everythin. he was there for me when i aint got nobody else, when everyone else had them boyfriends or girlfriends or cca or jobs. he was my boyfriend, my brother, my parent, my best friend. he was my everything.

like i said, all i cared abt in this world was him, my grandmother, my aunt at guilley. tht was just the problem, they were both at guilley. the only one i truly had by my side all the time was tht boy.

it aint my fault i have this attitude like a child's, feeling neglected at every single thing, not being understanding tht ppl have got their other important stuff. i aint as mature as some ppl think.

the problem with me is tht i dont practise what i preach. i tell ppl tht time goes on and all tht crap but no, here i am wasting my life away because of a boy. i'm a bad role model arent i .

no, im a weakling arent i . yeah, of course i am, bloody hell. i may be the strongest person ive ever met, but still the weakest.

been getting some sort of weird moodswing. sometimes i would cry, and then suddenly i would laugh at some funny memory. and then i'll rmb some shit he had said and get angry tht he had lied to me again.

once again im having the shit tht one second he the love of my life, the next i wanna smear his blood all over the ground with my nikes.

this has always scared me . i got this in nov 2010. i wanted so badly to bash him up tht i was so scared of seeing him, i was afraid i would really murder him. but i wanted to , but i was afraid tht i would.

anyhoos, as you can see, im not in sch right now. yes i am still sick with the gastric flu. as ive said before, i truly deserve this .

i once mentioned tht i didnt feel connected with the ppl from pasir ris anymore, be it the clique, the sch mates, the strangers i see every day at elias mall, etc. i still do feel tht. aft my o levels, if i manage to survive it, imma move out of pasir ris . i dont care anymore .

a silly little sch girl crush .

oh firetruck. no, no, no. i cant go on anymore. the ghosts scare me. them memories affect me so greatly even aft all these years. i hate the fact tht here i am falling into a fever because of him and there he is gg on so well with his own life.

but enough abt tht boy, right? right.

maybe ive got a crush. this crush of mine, is just another silly one, many years aft my first real crush which was in 2009. all them others were just walls to help me deny my real crush for tht boy. if u get what i mean.

so anyways, this crush, i find him cute uh. and in all the class vids, he's like so awesome ah. there's one more thing abt him tht makes him damn awesome, but if i were to say it straight it'll be obvious who's this crush i'm referring to .

hmmm, who knows my blog tht knows this person ah? siying, timothy, syazana. okay, most of them are me classmates. shall i just shut up and tell you who this person is? oh but then if i shut up, how am i supposed to tell you who's he?

ok, ok. i shall shut up. and tell you who he is .

maybe ah. maaaaybe only, maybe i might have this silly little crush on zharfan.

i must admit, the very first time i ever noticed him was when i saw him sleeping in class. he looked so much like tht boy when he was sleeping.

tht made me notice him. and ever since then, i've only looked at him for the way he is. his drumming is just damn awesome.

been watching back some of the old 4/2 videos, and i never noticed how i captured him on camera so much. he's quite good looking in his own way, and when he smiles or laughs, it's like so cute. he so pendiam, yet it must be because he's got a lot in his mind. he seems tht type. to me.

during cheer it's like we had to rely on each other ah. cause, he had to listen for my 5678 before starting his beat. and then i was watching our 4/2 encore cheer, and he had looked out for my signal before making his final beat before my 5678. if u get what i mean.

then tht time when they were teaching the new moves, i didnt get it, and then he was like, "eindah eindah, like this eindah." and then he showed me them moves.

and another time when everyone was chaotic and then i was like, "oh i know i know!" cos i had suggestion but faiz didnt hear me then i was like, ok nevermind. and then zharfan was like, "eh faiz faiz, eindah got smth to say" or smth like tht ah.

but, too bad he only likes chinese girls. o well .

anyhoos. there's the camp thingy tmrw. aahhhh . and look, my earring the sharp part has been bleeding a lot lately. means my earlobe is bleeding too. ouch indeed. it's gonna get an infection. again.

you know how some ppl with the third eye wish they could just be blind instead? i feel tht way too. i wish i dont have to see them ghosts everywhere. i know it's just my imagination, but ... i cant control seeing those stuff.

i hafta stop my imagination, but i dont really know how. and,... i think those ghosts are real beautiful. they look so happy. i'm the only one in the world who can see them, so why make them stop existing?



reminds me of the time when he went to z SK right aft he and i shared first kiss. he's really the most douchebaggest douchebagic douchebag i know.

haix. but still, he's also truly the most handsome boy ive ever met.

i found a lie, and then it grew. i found myself still thinking of you. i felt so empty, and then i'm fine, but still it's burning: when will you be mine?

was dragged to the doc ytd and guess what? i've had gastric flu all along. when i was told tht, the first thing tht came to my mind was, he was right.

i didnt listen to him, didnt think tht i'd really get the shit. and when i went to the doc back in jan and was told i had too much acid in my stomach, i didnt eat the medicine. he told me to, but i didnt heed him at all.

and tht is why i truly deserve this.

aunt came over, she was the one who dragged me, and fed me my medicine. in the past it would be my mom. but no, ever since some shit happened between me and parents, they hardly take notice of me alr.

my dad didnt believe me when i told him i was sick in the morning. he was waking me up for sch and when i couldnt get up, he started yelling at me to get up, get up. and then in the end he was like, "i hate you ah. really." and then it was all silent again.

took my temp in the afternoon, was 38.4 . i couldnt find any comfortable position to sleep in. and i kept having weird nightmares when i slept. like seriously uber weird.

this just the thing i hate the most abt being sick. cause of the weird stuff i see in my sleep. and you all know how seriously i take my dreams.

and all along during this pity party of mine, what i had thought of the most was for tht boy to come and take care of me again. like he used to.

at some moments, i would think tht i was back in jan, where he texted me every half an hour asking how i was doing. back then, there was tht one time when i called him telling him tht the pain was really unbearable and i just wanted to cry, and he had said tht he wanted to cry too. he was yelling shit like "yes! i know it hurts! i feel like crying too!"

and he's the type of person who rarely cries. like super rarely.

haix. yeah, i am a moron for still thinking of him. why am i being like this? why am i still affected by him? i bet he doesnt even rmb all our memories even tho there's alr like a dozen by the time he steps out of the lift at his house.

are all males like tht ? there she is being so damn brought down by all the words you had said to her, and here you are going on with your life like as if you had done nothing wrong towards her.

so anyways. yeah, ive got gastric flu. congratulations irshad. you were right. and i deserve this.

a post abt tht boy. dont read if u aint interested

this song makes a lot of sense.



it's like, you have a very bad past which still affects you greatly, and when someone new comes along, you disregard it because of the ways the previous someone had hurt you. but this new someone loves you so much tht he's willing to wait for you til you're ready to accept him.

he's waiting for you to get over it, but he's not rushing you. he doesnt mind being away from you while you take your time healing your scars, because he loves you so much. he wants you to take it slow. the waiting doesnt bother him as long as you're okay.

at least, tht's what i think ah.

anyhoos, it's been a month. have i told you tht aft cheering comp i bawled at the bus stop whining tht boy's name repeatedly into pearl's hoodie sleeve? yeah, i did. just a random breakdown. but it was embarrassing as hell.

the last time i saw him, he had tears in his eyes. it's damn difficult to make him cry. i wonder if he's getting affected by the memories now, like he had been when he left me for the 2nd time. i wonder if he ever cried missing me .

whenever i go for walks, i end up walking by his block, it's been tht way since 2010. but despite knowing where exactly he lives, i've never went up there and beg for him back. no . because i am not obsessed .

i do think of him. i do wish tht we would be like last time because i miss him. yeah, it's all because i love him so much. but at least i dont beg him. i cry over him, i get angry because he lied to me again. but at the end of the day, .... i know it's his choice.

altho i start thinking abt him again the very next morning, and wish he'd be with me, i know it was what he wanted, and i respect it. i just havent been able to take it yet.

it's not as simple as it seems. there's a lot more reasons why i was so upset when he left, some reasons tht not even my best friend knows. it's all in tht little notebook .

anyways. ive been listening to Trapt a lot these days. many of their songs make so much sense, in particular These Walls. kinda like the situation i am in right now, the new identity shit.

i hope you dont kill me for what i'm gonna say now, but i once, for a second, had thought of dropping out of sch entirely. i'm damn tired. my mom been forcing me to continue taking art. it aint persuade you know, it's force. and all the teachers too .

bloody hell, it's supposed to be my decision. who's the one doing the o levels, me or you? it's my choice whether i want to bloody draw and paint and all tht shit or not.

there was smth abt a literally bloody post-it during this morning's dream, with 109 written on it. cant rmb any other words, just tht particular number.

what should i do ?
what shall i do ?
what would i do ?

hmm, tht all depends on what i want to do .

eh, wait, no. if it depends on what i want to do, we're all screwed, with me being the most fucked up. yeah thanks.

i'm like so in love with These Walls. maybe should make a vid to tht instead. currently putting re:the world calling on hold first cos i had planned it to be filmed at prp, which i'm still phobic abt, as proven by friday's cross country.

i see them ghosts everywhere. the male ghost even haunts me in my sleep, his words haunt my thoughts, and his face haunts my mind.

but to me, the female one is the scarier one. she's telling me to do things i shouldnt, and i think she's gonna try hypnosis very very soon.

like clockwork, i commit the crime. i pretend to be everything they write.

Last Cheering Comp!!

i miss 4/2 2011.
i love 5/1 2012.

had cheering comp today! aft cross country of cos, but tht was boring so i aint gonna go into details abt tht. just tht, i ran with priscilla and farizah, and it was an accomplishment tht we managed to run tht first long stretch without walking!

ok, so went back home, my rest before making my way to sch to practice one last time for the cheering comp. bumped into shushan and amalina when i walked in, so we walked up to class tgt, to find it was empty.

some ppl started coming, and then we all just decided to practice first even tho our main leaders were like, missing. i liked tht circle where we were all reciting and doing the movements, when we were having so much trouble ytd.

this year, jia yao was in, he wasnt so participative last year. and then the rest all came and we had a few more last practices, full of gusto and energy and all tht stuff. i saw zharfan doing the #ahahsiol , damn cute sia. i laughed real loudly at tht .

had the part where we place our palms tgt, before making our way down to the hall with our usual ohhh, oh, oh, ohhh, here comes 5/1, here comes 5/1 cheer.

so yes, started off with the sec 3s followed by the 1s and 2s before coming to the 4s and 5s. we've watched the others rehearse, but i still felt kinda restless during the three 4N classes.

no matter, we all still stood up calmly and prepared, taking our places when 4/8 went up stage, cause we were gonna have our turn aft theirs. everyone adapted our entrance from last year, but we took them by surprise, gg up stage in an entirely different kinda formation. sneaky little douches, we are.

the hall was silent when i went all 5, 6, 7, 8! tht was awesome. and then we all just ran to stage gg all eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh 5NA1 , and then just doing all the shit tht we did at practice but many eons way better.

i realized the peeps always forget the Thank You part, so i had made it a point to rmb tht the most. and i shouted with all my heart thank you, PRCS! aft the throne line. i dunno, i think i kinda helped a bit. cause i watched the vids and tht part was silent apart from a few voices coming from my area :3

halfway down to backstage, i took out my camera and started recording shit sia, sempat right? we were gg crazy screaming backstage, jia yao was like knn non stop -.-

sat in the hall watching 5/2's cheer, clapping and screaming for them the way they did for us. went back to our places aft they went backstage. the emcee gave them judges (ms delsise, mrs sheri, and mr bernard) time to, well, judge.

according to the english language, the judge judges and the judges judge.
i find tht funny .

k so well anyhoos, camwhored a little, watched some vid tht the sch made for us, and then suddenly, it was time for the results.

i was so excited til i forgot tht the other levels had their top 3 as well. so waited for tht, and then it was finally the time for the announcing of the winners for sec 4/5s.

when the emcee was like, "in third place....." i was like, "notfiveone notfiveone notfiveone....." and when she was like, "fourrrr......." i was like hoo!

and then she's like, "in second place.......... fourtwo!" and we're all like O:

finally she was like, "and finally, it is time for the first place of the sec 4s and 5s.... who do you think it is?" all the sec 4s were like making 5/1 with their fingers, like woah....

and YEAH! we won first place for sec 4/5s! for the second time in a row! everyone was like screaming and jumping abt, including me, and i have proof ! but we'll get to tht later.

so then they announced the other awards before asking for the drumroll before Overall Champion. and once again everyone was like 5/1 5/1 5/1, and HELL YEAH. WE GOT THE PLACE OF OVERALL CHAMPION AGAIN !

did our encore, which was like so many eons more fun than the real thing. holy firetruck, we won overall champion twice in a row! i was damn tired by then and i could only mouth the words. at the end of it all, we invited 5/2 up on stage and we were all jumping around like crazy!

jeremy and hannan were behind me, hannan was like, "what, do what???" then jeremy was like, "i dunno, i just jump jump." damn cute sia! and yes, it was damn fun just jumping around, us remaining 2011 cohort.

when we were dismissed, us 5/1 went to the pond to take photos, and it was raining! damn dramatic. i dont have the class photos with me. but there were plenty! and then we did the putting our hands tgt thing again on the pond board.

dammit, i love all those ppl so much. and those who were with us right there a year ago as well. i love them all, 4/2 2o11 and 5/1 2012. and then all of the sec 5s took photo tgt! tht was bloody awesome. ok, i love 4/3 2011 and 5/2 2012 as well ^_^

and here are just some photos from cheering comp. from my cammie.










went to ehub with asleah, farizah, pearl, priscilla, sabrina and shushan. talked with daniel on the bus, and then we all made our way to mac's to eat. saw 4/4 staring at us, murmuring all, "eh, eh. 5/1, 5/1."

so we ate, and we all laughed a lot. i like the part where i had tartar on my lip and asleah was like, "abeh tu untok aper? sarapan besok pagi?" kurang ajar! hahahah!

i looked at reflection off the glass, which was behind sab, and then i just licked the tartar off my lip. sab was like staring at me do tht and she made this face and looked away. her face looked real bad ! cause she seriously disgusted with mayo and she was like surrounded by tht!

went to carpark to send pearl off cause her mommy was picking her up, and then we all went to the rooftop, as always, to camwhore. i liked it when pris said, "you like self high eh." hahaha!






we were dancing like shit, asleah and pris and sab and shan dancing their korean stuff. farizah and i were doing a horrible job just imitating what they were all doing. i like the lifting up the feet and then touching the ankles part, i kept doing tht sia! damn fun.

first time laughing so much with them.

splitz from the rest, loitered around central area on my own, admiring the board tht i drew on, before reaching home around 9.30.

and here is z video abt 5/1 2012's cheering experience!


i just realized tht when i said to wai kit "all hail 5/1, current and previous." i was referring to him as well. but he didnt even take part in cheering last year lor.

so anyhoos! now tht cheering comp is over, i hope my dear classmates would take their time aft sch to go home and study. i hope they'd all do their best in the o levels and beat the express ppl when collecting results next year.

okay, i love my classmates so much . so very much.

i cant, im sorry.

i cant handle this anymore. i dont have the physical ability. i aint as strong as i think i am. im the weakest person i know. im sorry. i aint strong aft all. i cant be on my own aft all. im sorry, but i really need tht boy. i really need him. please do smth abt it, would you, God ? please ?

there's been a song playing in my head since ytd, but i cant tell whether it's trapt or trivium. ive listened thru all the trapt i have, none of them was the one tht was in my mind. then it must be trivium, but whats the problem now?

tht's right. trivium is tht boy's fave band. i cant bring myself to listen to any of tht. not yet, at least, cause im the strongest person ive ever met. we take it slow. im not saying trapt has no memories of him, tho. cause yeah... there is.

anyway, this was the very last picture i took of E'indah E'esa. 5th of feb 2012.



i think she's a really beautiful person, in her own way. she just never believed it, and only did when tht boy was the one who told her. tht's why when he left, she just decided to abandon her whole self, just believing tht her soul is ugly.

tht was stupid of her.
but it was also stupid of him.

To wake up
Knowing you've got a day
Is a blessing.
Make yourself unwilling
To sleep away
The Pain.
And run
Run
Without mercy
Because you've got
The choice,
And time of day.

hold on tight to the things you're given. because you never know when someone might just come over and snatch it all away from you. tht someone looks like you sometimes. you see yourself coming up to you, and you're thinking you look so beautiful, when you suddenly snatch your things away from you.

it's scary, isnt it ?

i've finally got the guts to be on the comp.

somehow, it's always the most dangerous place. it's where people hurt you, and where you hurt yourselves. it's where you get hurt, basically. you see things tht hurt your feelings, be it enemies tht talk abt you, or exes tht are doing fine without you.

and you see things tht spoil your mind, be it the violence or the pornography. it makes you want to do things tht you shouldnt. on the other hand, it's where you can get inspired. you see things tht others do, the good things, like video diarying or blogging, letting out all your feelings.

but maybe it's not good. you see so many things tht so many people do, tht you just lose the interest in your main talent. you get undecided. spoilt for choice. sometimes, they are the wrong choices.

i'm still getting over the Being Left Behind. he was really the love of my life. why has my emotions towards his leaving not numb? aft all, he's alr left me behind three times. why do i not get used to it ?

currently planning my second MV which is to re:the world calling. the beginning would be easy, i can go on my own filming shit. but towards like near the ending of the 1st minute, i'd need someone to help alr.

well.
i shall get over this, and i will. i will move on. not to other guys, just to the future. if he and i meet again someday, then we are meant to be. he cannot avoid tht. no more excuses.

none for me too . because i am the strongest person i have ever met.
the weakest, but still the strongest.

a new identity.

this is a rebellion against myself. remember Eindah Wrister? she was created when tht boy left me for the 2nd time, in 2010. this girl was meant to be a withdrawn person, a douche who doesnt care what ppl think of her.

he left me again. he left me for the 3rd time, and yes, i decided to be somebody i aint, all over again. who's the She tht i am creating this time, for 2012? she's a bitch. now tht ive got contacts, somehow i feel somewhat more confident abt my looks.

remember the girl who hides her face because she'd rather look at the world than have the world look at her? tht was E'indah E'esa, the girl who had cared what she thought of the world and not vice versa.

im neglecting her again, and this time i shall be Re'ine Nadhie, the bitch who doesnt care what she thinks of the world, but who cares what the world thinks of her.



take it as a show of cowardness if you like, but i think i'm the strongest person i have ever met.

yes, i've changed my blog url again. dont ask me why please, i have my own reasons. but i dont wanna explain, so dont ask me at all, like seriously. favour ok ?

anyhoos, shall make a blogskin tht suits bloggie's new url tmrw. for now, *yawns* i shall go to bed. goodnight my firetrucks. i mean, my axes. o, and i shall also share the story on how the name came up. aahhhh -_____________________- goodnight. love you all.