the typical Solitary Author outfit.

darkness really brings out the light in me... in more ways than one.

7th June, 2012 at The Zon.

just saying, but i think my webcamwhores from the windowsill made me look better than in my very own sanctuary. and the hood thing really works for me, doesn't it? Syamirul says being in hoods suits me.

Syazana says i shouldn't use eyeliner because it'd make me look all the more like an emo freak. well, all the more i'm tempted to try! i'd like to see how i would look. *grins*

the typical Solitary Author outfit would be the skinnies and tee combo, which comes with a magnetic bracelet and a pair of Nikes.

of course, every few weeks there would be a special promotion whereby the Solitary Author outfit would be available in skirt-and-stockings as well as the tee-and-bermudas combo! o, and we might even throw in the limited edition smile, too!

look at what i just drew, man.

i forgot her scowl.

and this, i love this one so much!!! yahahah! she's so cute!

if you're wondering why on earth i dropped art, well it's because i lost interest in drawing. but, i still do, occasionally, when i do feel like it, and only in pens; no painting or whatever.

this kind of preference is not suitable for an art student. so yeah. that's my reason for wanting to drop art, because i lost interest.

O YEAH! i just received a DPA letter from SP. i've made my mind up. i know where i'm gonna go!

shall blog again if i'd still be awake later.

a sea above the sky.

this drama on suria is about, from what i understand anyway, two girls who didn't really get along in school, til they are forced into the same family when their parents decided to remarry each other. well the song is nice.

so anyway, yeah. hadn't been able to wake up early to meet with zee syamirul. i hadn't gone out at all in fact, just to maccy d with my younger bro earlier. truth be told i think the filet o fish is pretty much slackened. it doesn't taste as good as before.

hey isn't that amazing? i'd talked about three different things in one paragraph. but no kids, that's not good. when you're writing letters be it formal or informal, each paragraph must have one main point, elaboration and an example. not like that douche above.

yeah let me be an English guru for awhile here. speaking of which, have you read my all-out English lesson post before?

so i'd continued with Mystifying in bed this morning, and i've two more stories which i really liked; "The Master" by Diana Wynne Jones and "The Whisperer" by Vivien Alcock.

i've no idea how to summarize the former without leaving any spoilers (if you want to read it, that is) but the latter is about how a girl seldom brings friends over for tea because of a ghost haunting her house.

this girl always goes to her friend's place for tea, so one day this friend of hers asks to go to her house for a change. reluctantly, the girl gives in and brings the friend home. 

it was a sad one, really. you should read it.

and, did you know that some folks believe there to be a sea above the sky?

once upon a time, a sunday; because people were coming out of church when this happened. they saw an anchor on one of the tombstones in the cemetery.

the cable from the anchor went all the way up to the sky, and where it came from nobody could see. just as they were looking at the strange sight, wondering what to do, the cable started to tug.

tug it did, as if someone from above was pulling it. they were all so sure that there was a ship full of sailors where the anchor and its cable came from.

the anchor wouldn't come loose because it was firmly clung onto the tombstone. eventually a sailor came down on the cable, and tried to loosen the anchor.

by the time he managed to loosen it a little, the church people had managed to grab hold of him, not allowing him to go back up.

then they saw the cable falling from the sky, as if the sailors on the ship had given up and just cut off their anchor. the sailor who was held back had died; as if he had drowned.

another story that contributes to the belief of the sea in the sky is this man who had gone on a voyage or something once, where he had dropped a knife overboard.
some time later, when he was home, that exact knife had fallen through his window. it had happened in the same kind of weather and around the same time of the day that he dropped the knife when he was on the ship before.

so there you have it. well, it's amazing indeed, but it's up to you to react in any way you like. i think it's got something to do with christianity, because it happened in church, and it was an anchor; you know how there's a hidden cross in an anchor?

i can't sleep, period.

i am far from slumber.

was going high on 1:09 AM earlier when someone suddenly went all "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

it gave me such a fright! turned out to be Syamirul, and had exchanged a few texts. he asked if i'd like to meet tomorrow, but the problem is; these days i've been waking up as late as 3 PM. he wants to meet at 1.

so i'm like, should i at least try to awake early tomorrow? (or more like later)

but here i am, it's 3:22 in the morning and i haven't even changed out of my skinnies or removed my contacts. and i feel like singing right now.and still chatting with Natalee, she's so noisy even in the wee hours of the morning!

i think i'll change and hit the sacks right now.

did you know that i can't sleep with pillows under my head? i always wake up with my head on the bed itself, or anywhere away from the pillow.

brings me back to the time when i was with the douchebag and i fell asleep, and he complained about how my head kept sliding off his lap, even after he kept pulling it back up.

this is bad.

how the Solitary Author is really like at school.

how are your studies, my Axes? if you are consistent (my maths teacher's word) then that's good. if not, then when are you gonna start?

is it procrastination? or laziness? either way, you should remember what our teachers always ask us; "enjoy now and suffer later or suffer now and enjoy later?"

admittedly, i haven't been focused, not the least bit.

i had skipped two of my exams during Mid year; science practical and art. i havent officially dropped the latter actually, because my principal doesn't allow me to.

but i still refuse to do my art, mainly because i am attitudinal. (that's the actual word; not the attitudous that i had came up with, if you remember)

and really, i hate practical, i've told you. the chemistry one frustrates me to no end.

i'm sharing with you these so that you know how badly i'm really doing in my studies. cause it's stupid. it's really stupid of me. as the foster brother had said: "you're not stupid; you're being stupid."

i've been skipping school a lot, and out of the 4 days of june structured programme, i only went for one, and that was just to collect my bloody popular voucher. hadn't even bothered about the prelim oral after sch hours.

every time i sit outside the hod office because of suspension from class, my subject teachers would always stop and talk to me. i know how concerned they are about me, especially mrs sherri, mr syafie, ms fatimah and mr bernard.

they worry about why i've ostracized myself from the rest of the class, too. and the other day, ms adimah had came into class and immediately asked me; "is there a reason why you're sitting so far away from the rest of your classmates?"

when i shook my head she was like, "am i missing something? are you not telling me something?"

ms adimah once saw me writing in my diary and said; "the thing about writing in diaries is that, even after you've written all your sad things, at the end of the day you still got to write something positive about it.", something like that.

and she had been the only teacher i had shared with about the thing with naked mole rat and his lil shish. ms adimah was a really good listener.

in spite of all that, i don't feel the least bit guilty about it at all. i don't feel bad for having disappointed them over and over again, although they've always shown me concern.

studies down, teachers down, classmates now.

yeah, i don't sit with the rest. i like to pull my table nearer to the window and away from the rest of them, just sitting on my own doing my work. if Syazana is around, she would come and chat, but that's not always.

i don't take part in class interaction, and i hate groupwork. the last class activity i had actively participated in was cheering comp; the day i broke down at the bus stop because of the fucking ghost of the douchebag.

last year i was always recording stuff and making videos for my classmates, and trust me; i really loved doing that. but this year... i don't know. things got screwed up real bad.

and yeah, Syazana's pretty much the only one i talk and laugh with, if she comes that is. and not just in school but in general too.

i don't take notice of schoolmates, and i hope they don't take notice of me too. sometimes i wish i was invisible because recently, even sleeping by the gym is difficult as some people has never seen a girl sleeping on the floor before. well i will be that, so get used to seeing it.

yeah, just sharing with you guys what i've been like in school.

i hate school, you know. no, hate doesn't even begin to cover the dread i feel when i have to go to school. it's far worse than that. you know how some kids feel like they're in prison when they're in school?

well yeah. it's like that. no, it's like juvenile detention or whatever. i'm only in school for my aunt. and to my parents, skipping school is always equivalent to not studying at all.

i do study on my own, you know. maybe i just dislike being taught by others. i don't know. it's my being attitudinal, i guess.

yeah, this sure is the solitary author.

now you know.

"my clocks only tell ACCURATE times!"

whoohoo! heidiho my Axes!

no, there's no good reason for me to be whoohoo-ing like that. but i am watching We Are Singaporeans right now and i can't help giggling a little. Hossan Leong is cool.

so i hadn't gone to any libraries before my Maths today. guess what? i had been able to do most of the questions in the practice paper. *grins*

the foster brother is right, i have got to keep practicing.

i'd also done a bit of reading today; my current book is a collection of short stories. i like the one called "The Scythe" by Ray Bradbury.

although it does not has any moral embossed into it (as far as i can tell, anyway) its thrill and suspense really got me so engrossed.

it's about this farmer named Drew and his family who bumped into a house whereby an old man, the previous owner, had died and left a will, that whoever found him would inherit his whole farm.

they wouldn't believe their good luck because before that, they had had difficulties with food and stuff like that, so of course they took to the house and started living there (after burying the old man)

so this old man; at his deathbed there had been a scythe that he had used on the wheat in the field. engraved on its blade was: "WHO WIELDS ME - WIELDS THE WORLD!"

read the story to know what this scythe does. it's pretty scary. but, interesting. *grins* read it! "The Scythe", by Ray Bradbury.

had wanted to throw some rubbish into the common level dustbin, when i saw my neighbour's gate wide open. the neighbour with the... dog.

my younger brother told me, there had been this one time when the dog had somehow been able to run free, and it came into our house and well, just ran around on a crazed escapade.

yeah, so i kind of freaked. but i am fine now. *grins*

so i'd like to tell you guys a dream i once had, nearly as long as a year ago; somewhere in july.

i had been walking past a shop that sold clocks. many of them were on display, and i stopped to take a look. the man was shouting, pretty cheerfully, "come, come! look at my clocks! they tell only accurate times!", something like that.

i looked in closer on a few that were huddled together, to see that the hands were moving pretty quickly. so i asked the man, "are you sure they tell the correct time?"

"yes yes! of course! my clocks only tell accurate times!", he replied.

and then i noticed that all his clocks were speeding up, hands going crazy, making rounds and rounds across the numbers. i remember some creepy music had been playing, and there were strange lights everywhere, while the man just insisted cheerily; "my clocks only tell accurate times!"

that was one of the scariest dreams i ever had.

moral of the story? well i actually made use of it to remind me that N levels were nearing, and that i didn't have as much time as i thought i did.

so now, i'm gonna use it to remind me of my Os as well. it is a threat, in a way.

and you guys should do so too, especially if you're, like, taking some major exam this year. it's the june holidays, and yeah pretty much summer, but you shouldn't have been wasting your time away.

speaking of clocks, have you ever noticed how they (and watches too) are always set to 10:08, in shops/advertisements? i heard it's because when clocks are set to 10:08, their hands resemble a smiley face, so they want to, uh, encourage positivity.

no, wait, i know they do so to resemble a smiley face, that's right. but why exactly, i'd forgotten. but yeah, amazing isn't it?

look! cool right? my magnet bracelet.

what? i was bored. i still am, actually. hohum.

o. i've got some important stuff to talk about tonight. i shall take a break first.

one.

good morning.

hadn't slept much, really. well it's 6.10 in the morning now. still up and awake. or more like i am up and awake. get it?

my face is really near the comp screen right now cause i don't have my glasses or contacts on.

a little webcamwhoring in the dark. *grins sheepishly*

sigh. really, thinking of him alone can keep me up all night. a million words, a million pictures, a million dreams, a million memories; one boy.

more than a million... for a one in a billion.

focus both eyes in a forward direction.

i kind of understand the cations and anions thing in chemistry now. in fact, i must admit; chemistry seems to be my weakest subject as of late.

i found these. yeah, i'm a jakonist with shades too. *grins*

well so anyway, i'd gone to the library after a quick lunch at burger king with my younger bro today. i love the non-fiction section now, had spent the time reading on snakes, sharks, insects and spiders. absolutely fascinating, that they are!

did you know that there are such things as legless lizards? they look almost exactly like snakes! the only way to identify is through the presence of eyelids; snakes don't blink because they don't have eyelids.

also, unlike fish which have scales that are attached to them, snakes have scales that are part of their body. meaning to say snakes' scales can't drop off.

the species that i particularly feel attracted to is the Long-nosed Whip Snake, Ahaetulla Nasuta. the shape of its nose allows both its eyes to look forward more, to be able to look in front better, to be able to focus forward. shouldn't we all be like that? 

look! isn't he just beautiful?

i apologize to my Axes who dislike snakes.

that aside, hmm. i'd gotten an e-mail from Temasek poly, saying that my registration for TPRAWKZ has been confirmed. and, they had also sent me some stickers *laughs* i love the stickers so much!

ain't that sweet?

okay, no. i still don't know how the cations/anions thing go. have i told you i hate practical? i skipped out on my mid year's. i know it was a dumb thing to have done, but really.

Ahatuella Nasuta ! i will be saying that a lot for now.

2NE1 - Ugly [Live Session]

heidiho my early Axes, come, take a listen at this.

not my type, as you all know, but the fact that it's Live actually softened me a bit. never would have thought that their voices are that good. and i like how not all their MVs are dance videos like other groups.

yes, i guess 2NE1 ain't that bad after all. not like any of their other die-hard fans, just a listener, that's all. done.

am currently writing down my analysis of the dream i had had last night. *sigh* it truly was the saddest dream i had ever had.

really like some crazed one-eyed witch, huh.

*sigh* think i'll crash at Syazana's place tomorrow.

who on earth spilled the fish?

i had the saddest dream ever last night. or more like this morning since i only fell asleep somewhere at 4. i'd written about it in my diary, but it hadn't made me feel any better.

this is Gingy, aka Halia.

Hometown had gone to the door when i was about to leave, and as i was petting him goodbye he started meowing and stood up to place his paws on my stomach.

either he wanted me to bring him out for a walk as well, or he hadn't wanted me to leave. either way it was just too adorable.

although Hometown is white, if i were to have a familiar, i would choose a black cat with green eyes. maybe red or pink if that's possible, although scary.

o! remember the cat from outside the house? the one whose name i couldn't remember. well first of all her name is Belolok, not the boplok crap my memory had came up with.

secondly, i'm gonna call her Loke for short.

thirdly, she had been eating outside earlier when i sent my aunt off to work. was walking back into the house when i tripped over the house stair step or something, and i was sent flying. Loke had gotten so startled that she just ran off to stare at me from the distance.

the funny thing was, when i looked down, all her food had been splattered across the ground, and i'm like, Holy firetruck! who did that?

til now i still have no idea whether it was my foot that had tripped over her bowl, or it was her who clumsily knocked into it when scattering away from me out of shock.what do you think? who on earth spilled the fish? *grins*

so that aside, i was just telling Syamirul last night, about how life is a piece of glass with sharp edges. that we've got to touch it all over even if we know we'll end up bleeding.

well it's what i think, anyway.

will there ever be anyone who would be privileged enough to read all my diaries? no, wait... will i be blessed enough to meet someone like that?

actually yeah. there was the younger twin.

*cough*

i've got nothing smart to say tonight. but i'm still wide awake, as you can see.

so what now?

am currently rocking out to this song. listen to its lyrics, kind of means a lot to me.

one day, i will find my white tadpole all tell him everything about the other tadpoles.
i'd be damned if the white tadpole is apparently splashed with red.

you should listen to this . you know how some songs could bring you to a certain time period of your life? well this brings me to late December, and i must say; it actually reminds me of the black tadpole more than the red.

my childhood friend.

am snacking on a strawberry roll and slurping on chocolate vitasoy to wash it down my throat. *yumyum*

aside from that, it sure is a boring Sunday night. as always, though, isn't it? i must admit, i sure ain't making use of my holidays wisely. i've been reading though; this is my current book.

 a little segment from it catches my attention, as always. you see, the Ghost, which is a high school cheerleader, keeps flickering in and out of existence when she's a ghost.

the Goth tells her to say genuine nice things, as that is the only way for her to be able to stay in solid form (although invisible to all apart from the Goth), otherwise she would disappear forever.

"Yeah, but it's also a basic scientific principle," I pointed out. "Ask any of the science club kids, they'll tell you. While you're here, you're primarily a form of energy. Being positive allows more energy to flow through you, helping you stay here. Negative energy, like when you say all those clever and nasty things about people, drains you, eating away at your ability to be here. In simple terms, it's like a battery. Being nice helps you recharge."

i like that. 

been watching so many 2NE1 videos these days, i suddenly remembered having made a video for one of the members of the clique i had been in, to an SS501 song. i remember being so damn irritated during the process because i had to keep the song in my head for a really long time.

it's too big to be uploaded real quickly, and it doesn't help that i hadn't uploaded it anywhere else apart from my previous Fb account (i'd deactivated it). it had been made in late 2010, so it pretty much consists mostly of the Wrister girl.

that aside, i kind of miss going on shopping trips with friends. or window shopping since i don't really buy anything. the times with members of the clique i had been in, the twins, or the boy himself.

in fact i miss talking with friends. kind of. the fact that i'm admitting this is actually kind of an improvement.

o well. whatever had happened, had happened, and i don't think i'm gonna be doing anything to bring back the joys of company.

least i have my childhood friend who still cares for me. nearly thirteen years since i had known her, yet our friendship is constantly on and off.

was it fate that sent us both into the same class in sec three and then make-up bridging at the end of sec four? whatever it is, i'm glad we still had had the chances of interacting with each other.

she's really the one who can make me laugh so hard, even effortlessly. as i type this all the memories i'd had with her, from make-up bridging period to the time we had gone to bugis together.

and i'm smiling on my own.

i like the fact that even after making me laugh so hard, she's still able to look away and continue doing what she was doing with an innocent expression, leaving me next to her laughing to myself like some maniac.

i like how we could look at each other and just laugh without saying anything, despite the emotionless expression which we had had before.

i like how she gets irritated with me but she still loves me very much. *grins*

most of all, i love how i would be lying down in a pathetic little ball on the floor of her house late at night and she would be there, just listening to all my whines. i like how she would scream at me to knock some sense into me after i'd be done crying. she listens first.

i like the weird nicknames she gives me, like Big Monster and Mory (short for moron, apparently).

she's my Small Monster. *grins*

well. the time now is 11:20 PM. am currently chatting with Syamirul while listening to some *cough* twentyone.

i'll blog again if i'm unable to sleep.

"but bro, lampposts ARE bright."

 who says you can only eat porridge when you're sick?

had there been a storm this morning, in the wee hours? i remember waking up to a loud bang, coming from my bedroom door slamming shut or something. after that, i hadn't been able to sleep because of the wind howling.

and a howl it had been! you should have heard it. it was amazing and beautiful in its own way, but no doubt it did scare me. if i hadn't known winds could howl i would have thought supernatural.

had finished Happyface this morning. the book actually contains drawings as well, that's why i had been able to complete it pretty quickly. try reading it, it's a really fun book and it had made me giggle to myself numerously.

am currently watching Aliens in the Attic and it's making me laugh on my own too, still. one part baffled me, somewhere during the final battle part. Tom had called Sparks by its actual name, and i'm like, i thought the kids didn't know its real name?

anyway, i've always wondered which body part of mine do i like best. in the past, many people have admired my height (i'm 171 cm tall) and my eyelashes (they say mine are long), and i do appreciate all my features but i'm not that proud, if you get what i mean.

for all i observe, many people love their eyes. their own, and people of the opposite gender. if i like mine, it's probably not because of the way people look into them, but because of the way i look out of them.

meaning to say i like my eyes because of the way i look at the world. as syamirul would always say; you are weird in a unique way.

nobody is gonna be looking into my eyes for a while now, especially my right one which seems to be off-limits.

i once declared to the foster brother that i wanted to be a lamppost when i grow up. he said lampposts are only needed in the night, and that in the daytime, nobody would notice them. "why would you want to be somebody like that?", he had asked.

it was a good question, but the answer doesn't come as simply. i think lampposts are lucky to be alone in the daytime when everything is fine.

as night falls, they get more scared and start to cry, but at least the moths would keep them company. you know how some moths fly around the lights sometimes?

i still like lampposts though, although he had told me not to be one. he said it's because i have a bright future, which, believe it or not i had responded with a; "well... lampposts are bright." i really ruined the moment.

i'm kind of unoccupied right now, i think i'll continue with my book. it's currently The Ghost and The Goth, about the high school cheerleader who dies and ends up a ghost whom only the weird socially outcast kid can see. unsurprisingly and unfortunately, it is in american english.

currently having a Capsizing the Sea/In Waves marathon. 

a little souvenir to the hotel from me. was just doodling and then i decided to leave bloggie's address, for some reason. i guess it's a sort of ad or something. think i'll collaborate with my aunt to make tees advertising 109blackaxes. *laughs*

meeting the red tadpole again.

one thing i like about non-English songs is that, even though i haven't the slightest clue what the lyrics are, there are still appropriate emotions delivered.

this ain't half bad, you know. i find CL really pretty, and both the videography and storyline are just beautiful. 

*ahem* i barely listen to kpop or stuff like that. this is just an occasional, uhm, release of the inner Nadhie.

what are the biggest lies in the whole world? 

"believe it or not i'm not gonna leave you anymore." 

"i'll take care of you til you find the right guy." 

biggest lies ever. 

imagine this: a girl. two guy friends. three years.

they're the only guys she ever allowed herself to interact with and trust. time and time again they betray her but she still forgives them and trust them whenever they cross paths with her.

she still gets stabbed in the back at the most critical point of her life, but she still misses them and would like to share secrets with them once again.

is she a stupid person?

i don't think she is not. you see, she doesn't allow herself to be easy with all guys, you know. meaning to say she doesnt just give out her trust like that. it's just those two.

it's like this; she chooses to trust only them, or nobody at all. is that stupid?

ugh, i don't know how to put it in words properly. i don't think you guys get it. o well.
____________________________________________
the pink frog jumps from one lily pad to another, lost in her own little world. ironically, this causes her to travel unknowingly to an unfamiliar spot of the lake she lives in.

she never realizes that she's lost, for when she looks up, who was there but none other than the red frog; she focuses her all on him, forgetting her surroundings.

his body was a shade of alizarin crimson, yet he glowed with a bright red from his tadpole days. she thought he was the most handsome frog in the entire lake.

the pink frog's own body is still the shade of carmine which the black tadpole had left her in when they were swimming among the dark recesses of the lake a long time ago.

the red tadpole hadn't been around to witness her in her carmine; only her pink and magenta days did he swim with her. now, as a frog, he doesn't seem to recognize her. he stares at her, absorbing the carmine of the pink frog's body.

she pretends not to recognize him, and feigns a meeting with a stranger. her carmine glows with all the light that the pink tadpole she once was hadn't been able to shine in, further baffling the red frog to believe that he hadn't met her before.

the pink frog gives him one last look before jumping to the next lily pad, further and further from the red frog. she recalls what the black tadpole had told her then; .....someday, you will meet a tadpole, who would be able to make this piece glow brighter than possible for such a tiny fragment...

as if on cue, the gem in the pink frog's chest starts to glow. its brightness isn't that remarkable, but she looks down at it with happiness in her eyes.
___________________________________

it's better to never have had it.

heidiho, i am back in singapore as you can see. (no actually you can't.)

both my brothers have came down with fever, the older one since the days before the trip, and the younger just after the trip. i wonder what's up. and really, stop looking at me like that. it's got nothing to do with me. in fact, i'm unwell myself.

been a little blue since last night's dinner, as i'd told you; a sudden gastric attack which silenced me for the rest of the meal. i'm a little better in terms of tummy now, but my head is starting to throb. and don't forget the same ole emotional issues.

i'd completed The Double Shadow and am halfway through Happyface now; had gone to the library just a while ago. The Double Shadow was marvelous, you should give it a try. it's set in the 1930s to '40s as i'd told you, so don't read it if you've no interest in such settings.

something at the end of the book truly fascinated me; each time Ezra thought of Amaryllis, he would take a match from his box of matchsticks and light one up. and that is metaphorically.

he had one last match left, and was so afraid to light it, until one day many years later he eventually had the courage to do so; and he met someone else with violet eyes and jet-black locks, like the Amaryllis whom he had been forced to leave behind.

it's truly beautiful, in my opinion. don't you just love the matchsticks/hope metaphor?

ah. have i told you; there'd been a time when i woke up from sleep, looking forward to a brand new day only to realize that a sleeve of foster brother's hoodie was wrapped around my neck.

as if it had been trying to strangle me to death...

i'm not gonna exaggerate to the point of saying that the foster brother is out to kill me.

if memory serves me right, that night i had dreamt of the douchebag. *gasps* don't tell me they're acquaintances in some way, and that they are in cahoots to get rid of me?

nah, i told you i wouldn't exaggerate. kind of cool, though.

so i just cooked myself a bowl of noodles. i'd dropped a little pinch of the raw noodle, if you get what i mean, and without thinking i actually threw it into the bin. a little voice had said, that even if i were to throw it into the pot, i wouldnt be able to find it in the bowl later on. if you get what i mean?

well, it let me to start thinking about this; would you rather not be cooked and be thrown away, or be cooked but not eaten at all?

if you're meant to do something, would you do it even if it doesn't help you earn a living? would you continue doing something you love out of passion, or would you rather force yourself to do something you dislike, just to be able to earn money?

i think it's also the same as this; "is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it?" a line from Our Mutual Friend, Charles Dickens.

in my opinion i think the latter is better. at least there's still the hope of having it in time to come, whatever 'it' is in your case. if you've had it and lost it, you'll just think negative like many humans do, and you might lose faith in hope; something which i'm against.

in my humble opinion anyway.

O! i've really pushed myself today. i kept forcing myself to eat despite having lack the appetite or the wellness. *groans*

 i miss the windowsill back at The Zon already.

master of lip-sync.

i'm so tired. every little thing is pissing me off right now.

i'd gotten a sudden gastric attack when i was having my dinner earlier; had immediately lost my appetite and refused to open my mouth, be it to consume food or release words.

am currently sulking away in my corner of the hotel room, listening to old Japanese songs.

at times like these, i would need arms in terms of comfort and weapon. someone to hold me while i cry, and something to shoot with as a release of my anger.

i don't think i've got anything important to tell you guys today. just some personal stuff, which would be boring.

this song ain't that bad, although it's far from my type of music. the videography was nice at the beginning.

in fact,... i just listened to some other songs and 2NE1 ain't that bad, truth be told.

wow, really... i don't have any smart thing to say now.

have you heard of the Woolly Bear Caterpillar? personally, i think it's really beautiful. i heard, that this species take 14 years to change into a moth. before that, it will keep eating and eating in order to quickly cocoon.

there was a documentary on it but i'd missed it, unfortunately. but no matter, i'm fascinated by caterpillars in general. and butterflies, of course. i love the way caterpillars work so hard to be their adult form, their way of immaturity.

animals are sometimes a lot more inhumane than us humans, you know. in my opinion. have you ever met a cat who is in love? not being with another just to mate, but for the sake of true affection.

i think it's beautiful. you can sense the feelings you know, if you happen to cross a pair of felines in love. it's rare, but it's not impossible.

i keep peeing because the hotel room is just too bloody cold !

i am zee Master of Lip-Sync.
(actually i did sing a bit, but it was horrible.)

am currently eating cup noodles whilst flipping through the malaysian version of Seventeen. they made a mistake with the colour codes! triple 0 triple 0 is black; not white, and triple f triple f is white; not black.

hey ....... i like Discovery Channel .