my brothers are discussing a matter that does not involve me: Avengers.
*shuts the bedroom door*
WEMCAMWHORING TIME MY DEAR AXES.
please understand my jakonism. i love you guys.
so today, i'd gone to Maccy D at zee Whitesands for a little chillaxing while waiting for the designated meeting time with a certain Syamirul. we were supposed to meet at 1, but i was already there at 11.
i totally regret though. by noon, i was shivering like mad. the freaking place had totally unneededly low temperature, but the black hoodie i was wrapped up in wasn't helping.
eventually he turned up, and talking to him seemed to have helped distract me off the cold. (i had tried writing to distract me, but it only resulted in messy squiggles that seemed to form the words fucking cold!!! all over the pages of my diary.)
so Syazim (his full name is Syamirul Azim so i shortened it to Syazim - cool kan?) and i were talking about many random things, from the people in my school to life to academic stuff.
splitz somewhere near 2.30, him to school at TP and me to the library to resume with Blood Brothers. some eons later went back before going out again, to Tamp library, where i completed the book and borrowed another called The Vanishing Game.
don't be one of the many morons who don't know how to freaking use the new borrowing machine.
so here i am back at zee humble abode.
these are the library books which i currently have in my possession. such bliss! Feral's the one i'm reading right now.
i love books so much. all things that's got to do with words, be it writing or reading. i don't think i'm good with words when using them on people, like in conversation. it frustrates me that i can think of many things to say but when it's time to release them onto the examiners, i'm stumped. must be the self-esteem.
so what's up with me? why the low self-esteem? is it really just the shame and lack of pride?
let me ask you: is it better to have abundant of something, or a lack?
when you're abundant of something, you'll always be using it, thinking, oh, "i've got plenty of it, i can use a lot of it this time, don't worry. i will not run out."
if you keep thinking that you have enough for the next time, eventually it'll just cause you to keep using it til there's none left.
on the other hand, if you have a lack of it, you'd be like, "if i use it now, i might not have enough to use next time, and what if there's a time that i really need it? alright, i won't use any this time."
so you keep it, and eventually, there comes a time when you absolutely don't need it at all. get what i mean? for example, chocolates. if you keep saving them, eventually they'll expire and you end up throwing them away.
so which is better; abundant or lack?
tomorrow is a tuesday, and the longest day of the school week. we've got periods for all subjects apart from Humans, so. hoo. awaiting our results. i can't wait to receive back my karangan. i've already got the first person to read it in mind. *grin*
had gone to the library twice today. two different libraries. first trip was after breakkie with the younger bro, and second trip was a solitary escapade in the afternoon. i'm back now, and i've been once again webcamwhoring.
i can't help it, it's worth being jakon over!
i've been dreaming many odd things lately, one after the another. i have difficulties figuring out what some recent ones mean, especially two which consisted of the same people. been trying my best to analyse them but no luck. my existing theories make little sense. o well.
my dreams always have meanings. ALWAYS. i can remember them (most parts; and slowly remember) and i can decipher their meanings, even the strangest parts, and they are always valuable.
the dreams you have at night ain't stupid. if you remember them and do bother to sit down and think about them, they do have important lessons buried underneath. depends on how you see your dreams.
even if they don't make sense to you now, they might mean something in the future. i've had many dreams in the past of things that are happening in the present.
okay, nevermind. i guess not everyone can remember their dreams.
but i still treat them seriously.
anyway, i'm listening to gekidou. had loved this song back in 2008, and i'm surprised i can still remember some of its lyrics. although there's nothing significant about it so why am i telling you guys?
yeah, you guessed it. i'm bored.
i've been bored the whole of today. for some reason today's boredom level was just... off the charts. i've never been that bored my entire life (so far, anyway).
you should listen to this song. i'd first listened to it in my primary school years. an extremely long time ago. it's the soundtrack of Jirachi Wish Maker, a Pokemon movie consisting of the Hoenn region characters. honestly, the Hoenn region is my favourite among all.
and admittedly, i think the pokemon from Black and White aren't that pretty. to put it bluntly they're kind of ugly. *nods vigorously* uh huh, Hoenn is the best.
i've lost my Ruby cartridge after training all my Pokemon so hard. i remember the 6 that i always brought around were Gardevoir, Absol, Flygon, Rayquaza, Milotic, and SHIT, suddenly i can't remember who was the last one.
i miss playing Pokemon. i miss training them like hell. O! i remember who was the last one. Blaziken.
so anyway, i remember loving the double battles with the reporter and the cameraman. i always frequented the places where they would be waiting, especially after i noticed the three spots that they would be in a cycle.
1 place was by the secret base hotspot near Fortree City. another was by a desert somewhere near... i can't recall. another was by a lake with a waterfall.
i liked all the gym leaders too, in terms of looks and strength. o! i remember buying the comics that involved only the Hoenn region. wow, i used to read that over and over again all the time!
and for the record, gijinka versions of my all-time top two Pokemon.
just imagine if Pokemon truly existed. Absol and Gardevoir would be so damn gorgeous.
had gone to the library today! alone though, contradictory to this picture above.
had spent eons there reading my current book, which is The Shattering. changed my place halfway cause the first spot was damn cold, despite a black hoodie.
so anyways, i was caught in a dilemma. i had found two nice books to borrow, which was just nice to squeeze into my loan list, because the quota is 6 and i already had 4 in my possession.
but the thing was, both the books were thick hardcovers, and so was The Shattering; and i hadn't had my backpack with me.
in the end i just borrowed the both of them, put on my hoodie around me (i usually carry it when i'm outside the library) and carry all three books PLUS my diary in my arms. it was just damn troublesome.
so here we are, and granny's gone back to guilley already.
i don't know when is it my turn. and i've not been there for quite some time too.
i am bored.
there's no school on monday, and i still wonder what are my plans for that day. what i do know is that i am looking forward to having my MYE results back, especially my MTP2 and Humans papers. cause truth be told i think i did a really good job with those. we shall see.
so anyway, there had been Flag Day today, which i hadn't gone, as you could have guessed. texted Syazana asking how it had went; and lo and behold she hadn't been present then as well! awesome. and yeah, we will be bonding during the make-up Flag Day thingy then.
it makes me think of the Flag Day i had last year.
that aside. i'm actually yawning. i do apologize for the lack of, uh, interesting stuff in this post. i only talked about how my day went. which is pretty much boring to you.
as you can see, i've been webcamwhoring a lot. really, it's the jakonist side of me. i've not used my webcam before! and the other day, i'd gone to Syazana's house and spammed her webcam. i guess i pantangnampak webcam. hehe.
i'm kinda wondering if there are any other people in my school who still blogs. i'd like to read other peoples' blogs apart from constantly writing in mine.
oh, and i dislike the fact that people on Fb and twitter do visit 109blackaxes when i post the links, but they don't do anything to indicate their presence. sometimes in a day there'd be many posts that had been read by many people, but no comments or whatevernot.
comments had been plenty when i first started blogging. that was way back in 2006. i deleted that one; 109blackaxes had been many a name, and it was only created in late 2007.
i guess bloggie actually changed along with me, didn't she? enough said, i don't want to elaborate. i am embarrassed. but i still love this website, with all my heart.
actually, 109blackaxes' birthday is somewhere in november.
o, and shall i share with ya the story behind this link? truth be told, it's got to do with the younger twin. black because he had once given me a notebook that has "the color black" on its cover; axes because when i was really sick, he bought me minyak kapak, which direct translation is "axe oil".
109 simply because i like the number 109. and for your info, this moniker had been taught of eons before i even met that douche.
and i changed blog's link to 109blackaxes when we were still together. i ain't gonna change it again just because we're over and it's got to do with him. i like black axes.
and it really means a lot. girls aren't the ones who go through all the pain. boys have their own share of beatings as well. us girls are usually brought down emotionally, things like heartbreak, lies, self-esteem.
but who are the ones who have to go to the army? who are the ones who roam the streets and get dragged into the violence, gangsterism? who are the ones who are forced to deliver drugs secretly and all those stuff? have you heard of any girls who get involved in those?
girls: dress immodestly; walk in dark alleyways; get themselves raped; cry. end result? everyone's concerned and cares about her, hoping she goes through her trauma and all that shit.when it's the consequence she deserves.
boys: family has financial difficulties; try to earn money through drug trafficking; gets caught; juvenile detention and all that shit, and everyone's got a permanent bad impression, when he was just trying to earn a living for his family.
maybe us girls keep saying some guys have got no heart and all. maybe cause the kind of pain they get is a whole lot worse than ours, so of course to them, loss of love is nothing at all.
that's what i like to think anyway.
so girls, just appreciate all the boys in your life. your brothers, your classmates, strangers. i'm not saying you treat all of them like king, but don't treat them like trash either. they have it tough as well.
for once you're here reading a comparison between boys and girls that is not about love. so, take this seriously.
i just realized that it's been awhile since i read other people's blogs. i've been selfish; only writing and never reading what others have to say. o well. i'll see if i have the time.
anyway, the Mid Year Exams are over. as you can see, i am not excited; neither am i depressed. it's a neutral feeling. after all, the last day of mid years doesn't indicate an ending. it is the beginning of the true battle against our O levels.
i've heard that endings are new beginnings. i have to agree with that one. the N levels period had taught me that. when the prelims were over, the next step had been the actual N levels. when that was all done, i thought it was over. but nope; i hadn't made the decision between sec 5 and ITE.
and after i had, there was still my results to await. and when that came, that was it; the beginning of sec 5. get it? see the journey? it never stopped even when i thought it had. in fact, your whole life is one whole journey. all that you're doing now is a sequel to your past.
and what you're doing now is a prequel to your future.
my principal once told us that we ain't kids; we are young adults who should not be bribed with things like television in order to make us study. instead, we should use our future as motivation. that actually means a lot.
that's what i'd like to think anyway.
last evening, i had this weird wonder: had there really been a time when i hadn't known my own name? was there really a time when i was learning to pronounce my name? and when did i ever learn all that i know now?
and all that aside, i've been camwhoring with my com's webcammie. admittedly it's my first time playing with my webcam, cause i've been using my cammie all along. well, cammie's still with mom cause she borrowed it for her trip.
i can be pretty if i want to, you know. but that's just the problem; i don't.
wow, i never knew webcamwhoring could be so much fun! i'm so happy i think i'll upload these on facebook. tell the whole world that the one-eyed douche is a happy little girl right now.
ya k .
maybe i'll blog again tonight. after all, i am not busy. for now.
they say when someone shows their anger or sadness, they are asking for attention. i beg to differ; you see, if i were to be sad, and yet i smile, it'll be considered lying. and the last time i checked, i hear society hates liars.
just stating.
had physics today, and it was alright. manageable. i dont know why though, but i'd been feeling pissed off for no reason through out my journey home. and it didnt help that the lift door closed on me, hitting my shoulders when i was walking in.
had fallen asleep in my contacts again, thankfully they hadnt gotten stuck or any shit like that. hadnt gone out on a solitary escapade or hung out with the bestie. he had work to do, although i was hoping we could meet to vent the frustrations.
he still hadn't brought me to watch waves.i wonder if he's free tomorrow.
tomorrow's the last paper! i shall go out to celebrate afterwards. milk tea after milk tea after milk tea, and page after page after page of words in glistening black ink. that's such a beautiful combination.
i've noticed some changes in my older bro. somehow, he's a lot more... caring? not towards me though, unfortunately. but to dad. i heard him talking to my granny that he was the one who told dad not to work today, because dad's unwell. something like that.
and i'm like; "since when are you so filial, you douche?"
but then i'm like oy. don't doubt somebody's sincerity. if you've always wanted someone to change for the better, don't be so freaked out when one day he does.
well, i guess i'll see how further he develops. i hope his maturity comes a'knocking very soon too. i need that. his parents need that. he needs that.
and i need mine too. have i told you guys, i treat the last baby tooth of mine as a symbol of my immaturity. it's constantly shaking, and each day i feel like it's getting closer to dropping off. once it's out, i'll do my best to be, well. less immature.
i'll prove to myself that i can be mature in terms of characteristics as well and not just the mind. hmph. you shall see, you stupid douchebag. in the meantime, i shall continue running towards pigeons when no one is looking.
heidiho. as you can see, i aint in school, because if you remember, i'd told you i wouldnt be going for my art exam today.
there's physics at noon, which makes it 11.40 that i have to be there. okay, i shall now concentrate further on my studying. i have no idea what's my plans for today after my paper. solitary escapade?
anyway, good morning to you all my Axes. i am a morning person!
wednesday nights are the best, with everyone flooding my timeline about AM3. really, those tweets can make you smile so wide no matter how bad your day had went. (provided you follow up the show la)
so today's episode sort of focused on emmy, ida and azwan. you should have seen all the tweets about it! and yeah, as the episodes progress, the show is getting sort of more and more unrealistic.
the thing that made me laugh the most tonight was the Emmu thing. here i thought it was my eyes that had misunderstood.
was watchin with my bros, and at the part where emmy had brought azwan to the void deck before she got trapped in the lift with fahrin, my older bro was like; "issh, eh jahat eh! macam takda jantan lain gitu!"
now that the show's ended, twitter is less noisy now. can't wait for next week's episode.
my plans for tomorrow: am skipping art exam, have fun waking up in the morning suckers.
so mom just called and complained to my grandma about some disturbings in her hotel.
she and her colleague named Aidah has got an apartment with three bedrooms, and due to my mom's paranoia or some shit like that, they both shared a room and left the others empty.
which, in the first place, i think is kinda stupid because empty rooms will just attract the beings more. said that aloud and my granny just had to agree.
while i was slurping on the maggi noodles i had cooked for myself, granny sat with me and shared what mom told her over the phone.
on the first two nights at the hotel, around 1 to 2 am, she and her colleague had heard the door of their apartment banging for no apparent reason. and then on other nights, mom was showering when she heard her name being called, but her colleague denied having ever called her.
yupp, that's it.
granny and i were saying out all the possibilities of those happenings, and we were sitting at the dining table laughing at mom's silliness.it could have been wind, cause after all they were on the 15th floor. the calling of her name was probably hallucination from the wild thoughts.
and then it was time for granny's share of such encounters.
granny used to travel a lot, with my aunt. there was that one trip they had around indonesia with my cousin and his friend.
so they put up in a lot of hotels, and there was that one time when my granny stayed behind in their room because she had been too lazy to go out anymore. she was like dadadoo when she suddenly heard noise coming from the room above.
each time she was alone, she would hear, from upstairs, the tapping of feet, laughter of a little kid, and on some occasions, a singing that was, to her, melodious. every time.
and guess what, just as granny and my aunt, cousin, and cousin's friend were about to check out, my granny realized that the room they had been staying in was on the uppermost floor. the only thing above them was the rooftop of that hotel.
another hotel they had put up in was weirder, according to granny.in this one, when she was left alone, she suddenly had this feeling that she doesn't want to do anything.
like, damn, i can't find the correct word for it. it's like, you want to do something but there's this intuition of some sort pulling you back, preventing you from making any movement to do what you need to.
she had felt that in the hotel room, and due to that weird force, she hadn't been able to get anything done. she couldn't even perform her prayers. the only thing she could do was lie down, which was what she did til my aunt and the rest returned. that was when she went back to normal.
granny had talked about it to their tour guide; apparently granny hadn't been the only one who encountered that strange force thingy.
from what i understand, it's not anything like a force, literally. it's like a mindset? i guess? well, it's hardly explainable if i ain't a witness.
granny pointed out that mom's in malaysia, which means there's kind of a low possibility of being disturbed. compared to indonesia, where there's abundant of "ilmu".
back here in singapore, granny's never seen anything, not even during her kampung days. all the hotels we've ever stayed in had never had any disturbings either. in conclusion, mom's just hallucinating.
even if that's the case, i still think we gotta be careful when putting up in hotels in countries like indonesia or malaysia. for us, the very first thing we do when we step into a room for the first time is to give our greeting.
i read somewhere then when entering for the first time, black and red clothes should be avoided. i dont know how true it is, but just saying; all this while i've had my red and black hoodie on when travelling. nothing's happened.
so i guess it's up to you what you want to believe. but still, respect must be there no matter what.
that aside, i had my chemistry paper today. i don't understand the concept, is this paper 3 or what? meaning what? physics is paper what? then why must there be chemy/phy on friday? meaning what? mcq?
i hadnt wanted to come to school just because there was lightning. but then foster bro was like, "GO." and i'm like: "..............ok." upon reaching school, saw that there were many puddles!
the cleaner seemed pissed at me.
chemistry was alright, if i had remembered what i studied. really. i understood, but i forgot stuff, and that was the main reason why i did badly, i think. the essay questions were alright though.
aku ada best friend baru. mengikut katanya; "i was, all along. i just... disappeared for awhile."
you know, all the talk about hotels is bringing back memories of my overseas trips, especially kuching (2009), langkawi (2010) and bali (2011). for me, langkawi was the best!
see the shape of a pregnant woman lying down? there's this island called Dayang Bunting; pregnant maiden. the locals believe that if women who cant get pregnant despite all the hard work bathe their tummies here, they'd soon be able to conceive.
if you must know, the girl in this picture had just gotten up from a bad fall. mom was like, "elak-elakkan atuk dia, dia pulak yang jatuh!"
that aside; i just cleaned my printer. had been exploring the maintenance tab, and it's kinda fun cleaning the printer and changing the ink cartridges.
yes boss, i shall get going on my physics now. or maybe i shall go on a solitary escapade. it's been a while since i last went to my favourite neighbourhood. do the milk tea people miss me?
so the kitchen table is pretty much loaded with chemistry stuff right now. why am i studying chemy when tomorrow's maths and malay, you ask? simple. because my sciences have been declining, and the fact that i had skipped practical exam isn't helping, so here we go.
been revising some stuff we'd learnt in sec 4. back in those days, chemistry and physics had been damn easy. a lot more manageable than it is now, in my humble opinion. had had an A2 for my n level combined science, which is why i'd aimed an A1 for my Os. we shall see.
so today, had gone to the library with my younger bro to read, although most of the time he was either fidgeting with a book in his lap or texting. he went off halfway to meet some friends of his, before coming back some time later and setting off for Mad Jack.
it was his treat because he's the one who's still getting money, after all. made our way to popular after that where we spent an eon in before finally buying a set of foolscap paper for me.
when we were on our way to the counter i caught sight of these notebooks which had "1 for 1" by its pricetag, and i'm like, "what's that mean? but 1 get 1 free?" bro said it was, so i wanted to buy but remembered that i hadn't had any money.
the book that i'm currently reading is called "I Don't Want To Kill You", Dan Wells. it's the third book, though i hadn't read the first two actually.
i like this art of profiling that is done when thinking of who a murderer might be. they look at the body of the deceased and see what is it that the murderer had no need to do, but had done, and they would be able to tell a distinguishing trait of the suspect.
for example, there was this guy, who searched for victims in a forest. from the bodies that were investigated, it was seen that this guy kills his victims in a very quick move. there hadn't been any need for him to do so, because he and the victim were the only ones in the forest, and the nearest human would have been a far distance away.
so they start thinking of why this guy must kill his victims very quickly. a profiler would be able to think of one reason; that there is something about the murderer which he's ashamed of.
thus, the suspect is thought to have a deformity of some sort. so they start looking for people with things like a big scar on their faces who might be a possible suspect. alas when asked around, none of the people had seen anyone like that leave the forest.
so the profiler thinks further and says the deformity might be something internal. and yeah, when they found the murderer, he was a stutter.
i hope you get what i mean, cause i really think it's damn cool. it's like a form of art.
a fact: did you know that the lines on cheques are actually words, when magnetized a lot of times? it's to tell apart an original from fake copies.
we humans are like that too. sometimes we're not really being who we are, and the only way someone can tell is if he or she bothers to look deep into your heart and soul.
it is a normal Monday morning lest for the fact that we are at home and not in school.
going off to the library with my younger bro now. we're watching Shrek 2 with my other bro. i've had my cuppa hot milk tea made by my beloved granny, and a few slices of raisin bread.
will be looking forward to after my midyears, for more than one reasons.
whenever people start slamming things around due to their inner anger, it scares me. i don't like the shock i feel, or the chill down my spine.
maybe that's exactly why i turn tables and chairs upside down whenever i'm angry myself. i'd want it to scare me so bad that i grow numb to the fear and to the frustration altogether. does it show an appreciation or a lack of respect for these furnitures?
tables and chairs are where you sit and think. where you have conversation with someone. where you have meetings. where you do your homework, or whatever work. tables are where you put objects of respect, such as food or books.
they serve you in so many ways, and how do we repay? we sit on the tables and put our feet on the chairs. we vandalise and break.
i know i've not been any better, due to the fact that i've been turning desks in classrooms upside down for quite awhile now. admittedly i feel that it's good enough i pick them back up right after and that i'm including them in my life.
but nevermind. what do you consider appreciation for your tables and chairs?
i've not yet touched on floors. don't make me. once i talk about floors, i'll really make sure you learn how to appreciate them, cause i'm really in love with floors. think i've blogged about this before. have i?
you know, i kind of don't understand what is it that parents want. they want us to be successful, but when we are, in the future they're just gonna feel lonely when we're busy with our careers.and then they'd be coming crying to us about how we neglect them.
i think when parents want us to study hard, it is either one of these two reasons: they want you to be like them, or they do not want you to end up like them.
parents who fall in the former category are those who are successful now, and want you to follow their footsteps. as for those in the latter, they're probably regretting having wasted their education away thus they want you to re-enact the shit that they should have done when they were your age.
that aside, had gone to Tamp today, to read for a bit in the library and to buy pen from Urban Write. there was a dude sitting next to me who seemed real sick. he was shivering so badly and wouldn't stop sniffing and drinking his water.
at first i had felt annoyed but when his shiverings got a lot more obvious, i felt empathetic. eventually some woman came and fetched him, and due to the silence i had been able to unintentionally eavesdrop on their conversation. turns out, the guy had been damn sick for days already.
somehow my crossing paths with this Malay guy in the library seems to leave an impression on me. you should have seen the way he had been persistent in his reading despite his trembles and sniffing. he must have been damn uncomfortable but he still kept reading.
as mrs sherri constantly reminds us; even when we're sick, we must push ourselves to come to school, unless it's really a very bad condition. i guess i'd just witnessed an example of that huh.
there's no school tomorrow! maybe i'll head to maccy d in the morning once again to do a little bit of studying. maybe.
had sent her off at the airport today. i dont know if it had been expected or not, but i hadnt had any tears. and neither had she.
i feel so relieved.
that aside, i accidentally cut my thumb this morning. there was so much blood, even 5 pieces of blood-soaked tissues hadn't been enough to stop the bleeding. admittedly, i liked the sight of all that blood. it's a sign of life, and death, at the same time.
------------------------------------------------- i see you. i see him. at a mere glance, i can immediately tell who's who.
you see me, but he doesn't. you slowly divert your eyes from me to him. you know what he'd done to me more than three months ago, but he doesn't know what you've done to me barely three nights ago. he looks at you and smiles, and you return the gesture.
as soon as he turns away, you're looking at him with remorse in your eyes.
the tooth is the key to my senses. each time my hands slither toward your windpipe, do me the ultimate favour; take my hand and force my finger onto your tooth. your life is at stake, but more importantly, so is my sanity.
and for once, i dont mean this metaphorically. this is literal.
i wonder what are my plans for tomorrow? somebody's going off to KL for a one-week trip at noon, not that it makes a difference to me. but granny insists on sending her off, so i've no choice but to tag along as well, cause granny doesnt know her way around the airport.
still gonna try bargaining with her. my plan shall be to go on a solitary study session from morning, and then she'll take a cab to the airport with her daughter. after that, i'll meet with her and then we'll go home together.
that way, her daughter and i wouldnt have to put on a show of insincere hugs and crocodile tears in front of her colleagues. get it? good.
that aside, is it Mother's Day tomorrow? or isit next week? i'd like to do something for my aunt at guilley and granny. aunt says she's gonna bring me for another check-up regarding my gastric after my midyears.am looking forward.
did you know that the activation for Painty brand markers is just damn cool?
everyone's saying the moon is beautiful tonight. i shall run out right now and see for myself. hold on a minute!
not bad. though i could have done better in terms of the shot.
regrettably, i've nothing more to share with you guys today. most of the recent happenings are more personal hence their place in merely my diary.
o, yes. i can't wait to get the hell out of prcs. really. i always feel like i'm walking in a straitjacket each time i'm within the school compouds. for some reason i keep getting this feeling that i'm being buried by a dozen invisible eyes, being judged for every movement.
it's the paranoia, the shame. and everything else in between.
what do you think of bloggie's new outfit? i sayang my blog you know. i sayang with all my heart!
why was i in this get up you ask? excellent question! ain't gonna answer it though.
had maths at 1 to 3 today, got pretty restless halfway. and then there was my geog midyear yesterday, which efforts i had given for was sort of satisfying. can't wait to get back my results.
alas, my sciences have been declining, so i dont really look forward to the midyears for that. had skipped my practical exam two fridays ago, and honestly, i'm gonna be doing the same for art.
anyway. there's a change in me, in terms of my livelihood. it's for the best, so i've no heartache for this one.
went all the way to whitesands earlier just to buy the 6 packets of milk tea, because there weren't any at E.M. the things i do for the things i like.
i accomplished something today! i had my fringe up from home to home; the time i left, to the time i reach back. which is like, 4 something all the way to 9.30. i'm damn proud of myself, heheheheh.
so anyway, how was my day, you ask? had my social studies and maths P1 mid years today. i'm pleased with the former's section B, but for section A... not so much. i dream of 25/25 for sect B though, heh.
as for maths, i'm satisfied with a few of my answers, but not all too.
during my break, had fallen asleep after eating 2 paos and studying a little. luckily jaslyn could wake me up to get going to the hall, it's not her first time calling out to me from the opposite block. she was like, "you think we your alarm clock or what huh?"
but so sweet, thank you very much Jaslyn, Huiyu, Sherlyn and Roxanne, for having seen me sleeping all the time. or maybe i should just stop sleeping there altogether.
reached home about 1.45? slacked at home a bit, getting mighty pissed with my brothers before stomping out of the house some eons later.
the surface is contradictory to the interior:
i had gone to the airport today, but i ended up regretting because i started missing my milk tea halfway through the iced coffee i had ordered. did a little bit of maths and wrote in my diary before taking the train back to pasir ris some eons later.
when the train got to tampines, an announcement came on saying that we aint gonna stop at the station. i wonder why.
made my way to pasir ris lib to read Lockdown for awhile before meeting my mom to eat ananas. she's got a free hoodie from her company! imagine if we've got free orange hoodie from eXplorer kids. that'd be awesome!
but then again, it's just an imagination, isn't it.
made my way to tuition some eons later, where i attempted this effing question about 6 times before finally getting it.bought my milk tea afterwards, before going home to watch Anak Met 3, at the same time reading everyone's tweets about it.
damn funny! the one that had made me laugh to myself was Muzzy Malek's "aku hello punya hello", for some reason. i actually LOL-ed.
so yes. i seem to be picking myself up, slowly but surely. but i ain't got nothing to philosophy about today, not really in the mood or energy. *yawns* there we go! it's an indication for my slumber. goodnight my Axes.
have changed my Fb name back to E'indah. E'indah N.Axe, because i am not yet forgiven by my father so i daren't use his name. and i'm still pretty much pissed off with both my bio brothers.
i'm pissed off with everyone in fact, apart from a few people scattered around my life. like, different people who have got no link whatsoever to one another, apart from me. examples, Mayang cousie, Syazana, Nicholas Jude, Haikal dood. yes i've mentioned this already.
maybe they are indeed. but don't forget, some windows are decorated with curtains. some with lacy curtains, pink so cheerful. who would have imagined what really lay in the house?
even if you manage to sneak a peek into the house through the windows, it's not affirmative that you'd be able to see everything inside. who knows what lays beneath the windowpane of the window you're looking through?
there could be something horrid, an ugliness contradictory to the dollhouses and dresses with ruffles you see by the opposing wall. until you're allowed in by the owner of this house, you're never gonna see everything inside.
sometimes the owner places a mirror opposite the window you're looking through, just so YOU could see what is it that's hidden beneath you. in this case, you're being called upon for help. don't ignore this privilege. it takes a lot of strength to place the mirror there; a lot of courage to share with you the pain and sadness.
look at me through my Wrister glasses. you can't see much, because these glasses are dirty, scratched. even with my contacts, you won't be able to truly see in, because there are still pieces of plastic for you to look through.
this hair covering the eye thing, it's a sign of lack in pride. it's a symbol of shame. it's not a trend.
some people hide behind their smile. others, behind the hair. who's the braver one? definitely not the latter. definitely not me.
so what's my point? are eyes truly the windows to the soul? indeed they are. but it's not confirmed that you'd be able to see everything inside. we all have got secrets. we all, from time to time, place mirrors opposite the window that people look through, as a cry for help.
for my case, three people have seen what lay beneath the windowpane of my eyes. two of them left abruptly some time after, making me shatter this mirror, pieces swept under one of the pink carpets. never again am i gonna bring forth another mirror. the weight of it exhausts me. there's no more strength in me to carry anymore mirrors.
i've always wondered why Labour Day is a public holiday when labour obviously means to work. have never gotten an answer to this childhood question of mine. o well.
i'd just got home from a solitary escapade. had gotten up in the morning and made my way to breakkie and a little bit of studying at mac. i like looking like a nerd, eating alone staring into thin air.
although all my innocence has gone so many eons ago.
that aside, what have i got to share with you today?
meet Zorro. (this picture is from 2 years ago)
he's the third arrival in my aunt's household of 6 cats, my cousin bringing him home upon discovery of the shaking little kitten, barely covering a human palm.
someone had attempted to burn this little kitty, as proved by a long burn mark etched into the side of his body. it's permanent, it's still there now, just seemed a little shrunken due to the growth of his body.
so anyway, my cousin had saved Zorro's life, my aunt had provided him with shelter and food, while my uncle showers him with love and care. the household had been Zorro's saviour, and sometimes, he returns the favour in tiny but visible and meaningful ways.
my grandmother says Zorro is their rezeki.
in this very household there's another cat by the name of Katie, the anak dara tua, who is pretty feisty and temperamental. she's always reaching out her claws to unsuspecting passing feet, for no apparent reason.
now, my mother; she sees something in Katie which is worth teasing. each time Katie is minding her own business, my mother would come over and disturb her. eventually, Katie recognizes my mother, but for the wrong reasons.
time to come, my mother grows afraid of Katie. one day, the huge cat decided to lie down smack dab in the middle of the lane when my mother had to leave. to go out the door, she had to pass by that cat of course, who would no doubt try to bite or scratch my mother's legs.
grandmother and i had tried to coax her into moving away, but of course, she refused.
jokingly, my mother shouts: "Zorro! come and help me."
along came the smaller cat, staring up at my mother, and then at Katie. to all our horros and surprise, Zorro pounced on Katie; the latter started to cry and they got into a horrible catfight.
eventually Katie dashes back to the room, away from the scene, clearing the path to the door once again.
my mother still believes that Zorro had saved the day then.
Zorro is also my uncle's alarm clock. in the night, my uncle would yell at Zorro, "Zorro! wake me up at 7 tomorrow morning." and the next morning, by 6:55 Zorro would be meowing at the top of his voice by my uncle's mattress.
i dont have any recent pictures of Zorro, or any of the other cats from Guilley for that matter. i've got dozens of stories though. the household is always chaotic with all 6 of them around.
there are Katie, Hometown, Zorro, Halia, Tilda, and Tanda. i love Hometown the most. that's not his real name though, this is just what i address him as. i don't even remember the reason, it's been years.
when Katie and Hometown were still little, they came over to my own house here in Pasir Ris once. Hometown couldnt stop meowing for some reason, not until i took him in my solace and cradled him in my arms. he had fallen asleep and only woke up when it was time for them to go home.
that's my earliest memory of Hometown, way back in 2008.
so yeah. maybe someday i'll gather all the bizarros that had happened with these cats, and share with ya. here are just some random facts about the cats, that i notice.
-Katie loves boxes.
-Hometown is the quiet gentleman type.
-Zorro is the one who brings chaos.
-Halia will always call out to you whenever you pass him by.
-Tilda loves to massage my grandmother's inner thighs.
-Tanda is very attached to Zorro.
hmmm, now that i mention it, it's been awhile since i last went to Guilley.
it is the first of May, 2012. what has this month got in store for all of us? granted, our future depends on who we are, on whether we work hard, put in the effort, or simply lucky.
we are all different, we are all expecting different things in this month that remains mysteriously under the shadows. not all of us are depressed right now; we are not all expecting the month of May to be better.
if you're happy now, rest assured the month of May is bound to test you a lot harder and more difficult in terms of your patience, resilience, courage, strength, and everything in between.
we're all gonna fight. for our happiness, we're all gonna fight, aren't we? we've got the strength, the physical ability, mental ability, the courage.
so yeah. whether you've been depressed or happy in the month of April -- which lies behind us now until it comes around again next year -- be prepared to fight, to fight with all your life for your happiness.
and not only for the month of May, but the battle goes on til the end of time. the end of your life. and even then, your passing wouldn't mean you've lost. it is an act of bravery, that you've managed to last so long.
i hope you get what i mean.
anyway, am at mac right now, just finished a little breakkie. hopefully stomach wouldnt be upset or anything, because i'm not really in the mood to go to the toilette.
so yes, i am gonna study. tomorrow's my social studies and maths papers. all the best to everyone else who's taking their mid years too.
gah. if only i can keep writing and writing for the rest of my life.
heidiho my dear Axes! here i am once again, behind my computer screen, the choice of letters laid out in front of me to help me form words and phrases and lessons to share with you all.
the top 3 things from school:
1. haziq was amazing during pledge taking. really, i applaud him.
2. social studies is actually kinda fun if you really understand it.
3. i hate mondays.
after school, had intended to go to changi airport, but halfway received a text from Maya cousie, who was on her way to compass point so that was where i made my way towards instead.
i've never explored the district before apart from the time when i had to get Haikal dood to come save me. but fortunately for me i was able to find my way to compass point, where Maya was already waiting.
her friend is so adorable. the dude was immediately like "Hello!" when he saw me peek out from behind cousie's back. i was taken aback and couldn't respond, but lucky for me cousie was like, "oh, dia pendiam sikit,", something like that?
he asked me about my tee, which was from Ministry of Clothing, and then he was like sharing info about the company sponsoring for Anak Metropolitan, so i was like, Cool.
later on when we were splitz, maya was like, "i told him you were pendiam, that's why he tried talking to you, and all you had to say was Cool !?"
we made our way to kfc, where i just bought a few egg tarts, and while eating, we kept laughing as always. at the end of it all, i managed to write a real cheesy poem for her on a piece of serviette. if memory serves me right it'd went like this:
my dear cousie always there for me. my dear cousie makes me so happy. my dear cousie always makes me laugh like crazy. my cousin Mayang whom i will always sayang.
it's kind of last minute but i'm proud of it all the same. made her shove it into her wallet, heh.
made our way to the library where i completed The Dead Of Winter, maya leaving halfway through my completion. so blah3 went to pasir ris lib on my own before going to elias mac where i bumped into Wei Liat eating M&Ms in the queue. for some reason damn cute lah.
know why i hate mondays? my top reason is the fact that the bus stop is ultra crowded after school every monday. yeah, it's as simple as that. simple yet extreme.
so tomorrow is a public holiday. unfortunately, though, the library will be closed. and tadah, it's a wrap as April 2012 comes to a close.
from what i observed, May is always one of the best months each year. May always consists the crest with the highest amplitude for the year, while October consists of the trough with the same amplitude. if you get what i mean.
am looking forward to May this year, although this Wednesday would have made it half a year if Irshad and i were still together.
but we're not, so, que sera sera. i just felt like talking about him cause our song is playing right now. shuffle, not intently. okay? okay. done.
this thursday, have got an appointment. have vowed to wear anything apart from my usual get up of Nikes and skinnies, so, that is what i shall do -- not wear Nikes or skinnies. though i'd most prob leave home in the mentioned, and just bring along some other stuff to change into.
well. shall do my best.
the song is over, and now it's Stolen, Dashboard Confessional.
this song had been the song i was listening to when i was meeting Irshad before our trip to WW back on the 29th of Jan, 2012. i saw him sitting, in the distance, oblivious to the pair of eyes he had been buried in. at that moment, the very lyrics that had screamed into my head were: "you have stolen my heart" .
because indeed, he had.
i remember, my very thoughts at that very moment were just: "This boy. he's truly the love of my life. i love him so much. i love him with all my heart and soul."
i had cried. this sudden recollection is making me remember tiny details i had never thought of before. now i remember, i had cried as i stared at him from the distance, on the platform of Kembangan mrt station.
it must have been a premonition, i must have felt something wrong. i probably sensed he was gonna leave me in a matter of less than a week's time, so i wanted to take in all of him while i still could. maybe. i dont know. i never wrote anything about it in my diary of that period.
in any case, it's all over now. he may have been the most handsome boy i've ever met, but he wasn't the bravest. all the time i've known him, nearly two years of friendship, he'd never allowed any tears fall from his eyes in the comfort of my presence before.
the fact that he's left me as many as three times, already symbolizes his cowardice. the fact that he's lost the strength to hold on, while there i remained with arms continuing to grip on to the feelings, it's already proved who's the braver one here.
the fact that he doesn't dare to cry, that he doesn't dare to have the feelings, that he doesn't dare face consequences to the actions he took.
that said, i conclude that i'm a brave girl. i dared to linger in the memories, the feelings that once existed, i dared to cry and respond in inhumane ways, before finally gathering the strength to try and get up.
i'm back to normal now. i'd like to thank the one who had told me not to be a lamppost. you know who you are. this person had been the one to push me when i needed it the most, towards the correct direction. i'd like to thank you. so, thank you.
now stare at all the memories of Irshad and i for one last time before i burn these pictures. pictures over the years.
-----------------------------------------------
"i'd like to wish you a happy birthday."
i turn to face him. "Huh?"
he smiles. "your birthday. i'd wanted to wish you, but i remembered Khairul telling me to stay away from you, so i didnt know whether to wish you or not. so, happy birthday. belated."
"Wow. thank you."
we resume our way towards pasir ris park. i take in his scent from next to me; so familiar, yet so new. each time his hand touches mine, a jolt of electricity shoots up my arm, despite our past in which we had hugged each other so many times.
we pass by the spot where we had shared our first kiss. he's talking about a friend of his now, and i sneak a glance at him, hoping to see a shroud of remembrance. i find myself being disappointed, but i shrug it off.
"oh, there. waterbreaker. let's go sit there." he quickens his pace, but slows it down as i answer: "it's not a waterbreaker. it's a breakwater."
"no it is not, it's a waterbreaker."
"who's the one who learnt geography here?"
silence engulfs us before he laughs, "breakwater, waterbreaker. who cares! it's the same, just said differently."
"right."
he sits next to me, and after a whole line of conversation, catching up on each other's lives, we seem to run out of things to say, and he rests his head on my shoulder.
"tired, aren't you." i say.
"yes. very." he answers quietly. i rest my head on his, taking in the scent; still the same as more than a year ago. memories are flashing in my head right now. we were barely fifteen then.
i lift my head and look over the horizon. from the corner of my eye, i see his eyes on me, so i return the stare. he smiles, and again, i copy his action.
we lean our heads closer to each other's, and before i realize what's happening, we kiss.
our second kiss, more than a year after our first.
his eyes are on mine--no, more like in mine. deep in mine. i remain silent, only words in my head being able to reveal my feelings.
he speaks. "be my girlfriend?"
i recall the day back in october last year, when i had requested for a relationship after having shared our first kiss. he had told me he'd think about it. is this his answer now?
i smile. it doesn't take a lot of strength for me to smile right now. nodding my head off, i empathize my acceptance, repeating over and over: "yes, yes."
with that, my crush of two years is now my boyfriend.
his arm around my shoulders, he nuzzles his head against my hair and states: "believe it or not... i'm never gonna leave you again."
i believe you. i believe you with all my heart. I love you. Irshad, I love you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want you to know: with everything, i won't let this go. these words are my heart and soul. i'll hold on to this moment, you know. cause i'd bleed my heart out to show that i won't let go.
i cried when it's within my reach, i cried when i've got it in my grip. i cried when i fought to keep it in my hands, i cried when it left. i cried when i was holding on to it so strongly; and now, i cry when i'm getting up once again on my feet.
if only i can have your hands in mine now, i just want to thank you. one last time, i just want to hold your hands, to show my sincerest apologies and gratitude. to share my tears with you one last time, to have you witness my first true smile since you left me, cause really. you taught me so much.
