Ramadan 2014 reflection

It's the last day of Ramadan for this year. Could've sworn the fasting month only started yesterday. Although I'd managed to have my first buka there, I'd barely spent any time at Paya Lebar this year. It's bittersweet, because even though I hadn't been there with my granny, at least I managed to be with my parents and brothers.

This year's fasting month has been interesting, even when the rest of the year wasn't so eventful. Laughter was shared, voices were raised, people were hugged, tears were shed. All in the time and space of one month.

After many years, I'm back with my parents. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be on my knees apologising to them tomorrow, because... I still feel like they're the ones who wronged me. They were the ones who kicked me out after all, who never made the effort to bring me back.

I know I shouldn't be thinking of them that way, after the whole fasting month that we've been through together. Fixing my bookshelf together, trips to Tampines and Geylang, and even an emotional roller-coaster just 10 minutes before buka time.

Only when I came back did I finally realise that my mom loved me after all. The past decade or so, I was so convinced that she hated me for not turning out as a perfect daughter.

I'm closer than ever with my little brother, and that makes me glad to be back. However, 2014 is just yet another addition to the collection of years that I failed to bring my elder brother back into close terms with me. And I know this is the last year I could ever try, because he's gonna be gone by his 23rd birthday.

The gust of wind that took my flame out at the beginning of this year, blew at my hair again during this Ramadan. It was an unexpected gash of cold, one that I could not take but still embraced with open arms. And I'm glad I did, because it made me realise many things which I wouldn't have had guts to admit.

This wind's presence helped me realise that I had to tell someone if I didn't like him. That I had to admit it if I still thought of someone else. After a long game of charades, I finally had the guts to say "I don't like you that way, and I can't be with you that way."

This year's Ramadan made me think twice about giving up my religion. For the whole year, I've toyed with the idea of being an atheist. Reading the texts from my Heroine members, listening to the takbir raya, realising it was God who helped make the things that happened happen; all these events have put me through more consideration into hugging my own religion again. I should be glad I was born a Muslim, and I think it's time I start to embrace it.