3 deaths I've dealt with

I hated him. 

He was annoying, he kept picking on me and stealing all our toys, but I put up with him because he was my cousin. He was always looking for trouble if it hadn't come looking for him first. I remember how the last straw for my elder brother was how he broke his skateboard in half.

One day, he disappeared. I didn't know where he went, nobody told me; it was so quiet without him around, and it felt strange. When I finally had the guts to ask my aunt where was he, she told me: "He's gone upstairs."

I, as a six-year-old, didn't know what it meant, but I recall how I actually pictured him floating in the sky and up above the clouds. I'd thought it was a pleasant thing, and I felt happy for him.

Only now more than a decade later do I understand, fixing together the pieces: my aunt's reminiscing to my eighteen-year-old-self, to that sentence she had said to me when I was a kid.

____

I barely knew who she was.

A long car trip in Malaysia, with my only friend being this bird in a birdcage, a little mechanical one that would chirp whenever I flipped the switch hidden in its feathers.

My mom was bringing us visiting. We visited the same hospital a few times, this memory focusing on a girl about twelve or so, sitting up in the hospital bed. She was pale and weak, but I was too young to be told what she was sick from.

On the last visit, she took a liking to my bird in the birdcage. She would stare longingly at it, and my mom eventually prompted me to offer it to her as a gift. I was a small child, I didn't know what kindness was, and I was selfish. I kept quiet and kept a sulk on my face as a way of saying no.

We no longer visited her. She passed away some time later, me still not knowing of what illness exactly.

____

I didn't get to say goodbye.

All my life, my grandmother's taken care of me. She knows everything about me, whereas I've only seen her life through the stories she tells me everyday.

She's the youngest among her siblings. She's also the most active and healthiest, always smiling to the relatives. Weddings are a frequent form of family gathering because of these many relatives. We would always spend a few nights in Johore to attend these, and I did enjoy meeting all the people I seldom see.

I never exactly talked to them but I recognised their faces, always ready to take the hands of the elderly to kiss as greeting and goodbye.

During a wedding in September of 2012, I met these many relatives as usual. I'd kiss the hands of her sister and brother, both of whom I know weren't even aware of what my name is.

However when me and my mom were leaving, I hadn't managed to kiss my grandmother's brother's hand. I remember how I realised when I was already in the car and looking at him in the distance. I recall how I shamelessly told myself; "Nevermind, next time, I won't forget to kiss his hand goodbye."

About 2 weeks later we got news that he'd passed away.

____

There'd been too many moments in my life where death came when least expected, when the last few moments with them were filled with regret. I'd be grateful that I've never gone through the passing of someone very close to me, but the above 3 incidents have never left my mind.

I should have gotten to know my cousin better,
I should have given the sick girl my birdcage,
I should have gone out of the car and kiss my granduncle's hand goodbye.

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."