Oblivion

I'm just gonna get straight to the point.

I've been feeling suicidal lately. I've been wanting to just die. This feeling has never felt so great before. It's been here for a week and it isn't going away.

While most of the time in the past I wanted to die only because I wanted people to start appreciating me, right now all I want is to leave everything behind. I really don't care who mourns and who doesn't.

I just want to abandon the world, my emotions, and whatever little responsibilities that I have.

I want to let the world rot without me watching.
I want to leave my sadness and anger and even happiness behind.
I want to stop feeling pressured by the future whenever I do something.

Right now I feel like whatever I do either (1) does nothing and has no point, or (2) will make a drastic effect on my future.

Whatever I put all my heart and soul into gets me nowhere, and whatever I carelessly do will affect my entire life. It's so tiring. I just want to stop whatever.

I want to stop thinking of my lack of money,
I want to stop thinking of my non-existent ties with religion,
I want to stop thinking of how I've been neglecting my studies,
I want to stop thinking of how I keep draining my parents' money and energy.

I should and I can do something about the above, but right now I just don't want to. I just want to leave those sources of pressure behind. Like I just want to cut of all ties with them, and even though "the only way out is through", right now I only see one route: death.

At the moment I'm not that sad or angry at anything, I'm just tired at all these thoughts. Tired of the effects of whatever I'm doing and not doing.

Seems silly to be exhausted about all these little shit when I'm not even 20 yet, but yeah. I guess I'm giving up.

Like how Kenny from The Walking Dead said he felt peaceful when he was about to die; that's exactly how I want to feel. Peaceful, to be taken away from all this mess, instead of being awake every morning and having to fight this shit everyday.

I'm not gonna attempt anything, don't worry. I just wish I could be taken away to oblivion, just floating around in space and time, taken away by neither floods nor wind. Nothing to care about.