Birthdays, past and tomorrow

19th September, 2008. 

I wasn't sure what was going on, but my best friend wouldn't let me go home. She made me wait at Burger King for more than an hour, though I had no idea why.

When it was apparent that whatever it was wasn't gonna turn up, she brought me to the third floor, to More Than Words. I waited outside, staring at people in the distance, recognising a Hai Sing student as one of my primary school classmates.

My best friend exited the store and presented to me an envelope. I opened it to see her tiny handwriting on the front of a card; it was my birthday that day. "Happy 13th Birthday E'indah :D", it said. I nearly teared up.

I asked her what it was that she'd made me wait for, but she wouldn't answer. I tried not to be sad, but it was already eating away at me. We parted at the bus interchange, and I went straight home, trying not to cry the whole way.

As usual, nobody greeted me when I stepped into the house. It just hit my emotions a lot harder, and as stupid as it sounds, I lied down on one side of the bed and bawled my eyes out.

After an hour, I got a text from my mother, telling me to go down to where she was at. I refused, because I wasn't in the mood, but she scolded me to listen to her. So I did, as much as I didn't want to.

I found her at the community centre and greeted her with a scowl on my face. She told me to head on to the second floor, for unknown reasons, but I wasn't in the mood to wonder why so I just did as told.

The first thing I heard was my favourite song at that year playing. I went to the pillar in the middle to see a purple package with my name on it. I was a little confused until I saw two girls creeping up on me.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" they exclaimed. I was still in a state of shock, but when I registered what just happened, the first thing I did was cry. They laughed at my silliness and commended, "Asal kau nangis!? Jangan kental ah!" I couldn't help smiling at that.

That day, I received tons of birthday wishes from my classmates in school and through texts. My first birthday of secondary school, and it was nothing but sweet.

19th September, 2010.

My 15th, my third birthday of secondary school. 3 of my friends had brought me out to eat Mad Jack, which I so happily devoured. In the middle of the meal, one of them asked the other in Chinese, "When do we give her?", probably talking about a present. I chuckled to myself because they didn't think I understood.

They brought me up to the 4th floor of the mall, where the photobooths were at. That was probably the last time I ever took photos there because the place shut down a few years later.

I was rained down upon with presents later. I still remember what they were up to this day; a handmade bracelet from Siying, a pair of headphones from Shushan, Sticky candy from Pearl.

We went to the park afterwards, with the intention to cycle. Because I didn't know how to, my best friend Siying spent her time teaching me. I was still a complete failure at the end of the day but she didn't stop trying.

The next day, 20th of September, I went to get Cinammon Melts after school with the Malay girls of the clique, Asleah, Farizah and Sabby. After plenty of chit-chat and laughter at McCafe, we went to get slurpees and walked over to the pond beside the mangrove.

We spent all our time taking photos, and after a while somebody got the crazy idea of a birthday bash for me. They eyed a row of water taps along a brick wall outside the toilet, and without warning, they filled their Slurpee cups with water and splashed the contents all over me.

I'd thrown away my cup so I didn't have anything to defend myself with. Water was thrown all over me and I was laughing away with them but it was so, so cold!!! I tried to run but my stamina wouldn't help me, til eventually I just let myself get destroyed.

I was soaked by the time the sun was setting, drenched and shivering, but it was the best birthday ever. A birthday that had spread over 2 days with all the important girls of my life.

19th September, 2012. 

I was dreading this day. My 17th. My parents and I hadn't been on good terms for a while, and I knew they were too egoistic to put that aside to spend time with me. Also, I'd left my best friends earlier that year about 6 months before, a fall-out which I didn't put my own ego aside for.

It was my first ever birthday alone, and I allowed it to be spent with someone who was using me. A day that should have been happiness and gifts ended up in the spill of tears and first blood.

Later on in the afternoon, someone came knocking on my door. It was Sabrina and Shushan, probably the nicest and the most forgiving in the clique. Despite how shitty I'd been toward all of them, they took effort to come over and bring me out.

I cried seeing them there on my doorstep, I cried reading the long birthday card from Sabrina. She was never emotional, never one to speak her mind, but she spilled her heart out to me in her letter.

How I'd appreciated it, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that it was too late.

That was when I declared my hatred for birthdays. I promised myself never to utter the words "happy birthday" to anyone ever again, because those words when said to me never made me feel any better.

19th of September, 2013. 

A year since I last spoke with my parents, of course they wouldn't wish me, much less take me out. I rarely went out with my aunt too, so I didn't mind that she couldn't bring me out.

At this point I'd patched up with the girls from secondary school, but they were all too busy with their own things, of course. Everyone worked, or had assignments, or projects. I understood, and I really wasn't expecting anything from anyone, so it was okay.

The wind called me to wish me, but when he said he couldn't come to Singapore to bring me out, a part of my heart broke. I told him it was okay, because it really was.

I had nothing to do, and my grandmother kept making comments about how birthday girl was spending her day alone and at home, so I went to blog. I blogged about the exact reasons why I hated birthdays, right out from my 17th and from my heart.

The wind read everything and he ended up getting angry at me, because "You just had to make me feel more guilty." We got into an argument just minutes before my birthday ended.

18th of September, 2014. 

So here I sit, staring at the clock, daring it to turn midnight. I can't remember the last time I wished someone 'happy birthday'. Maybe I improved from it a little, because I did acknowledge some birthdays, like how I'd gone out with Mom on hers and sang "22" for Zye on his twenty-second.

But I told myself I don't want to accept anymore acknowledgement for my own. I've told maybe just one or two new friends about my birthday, most of whom have left my life and probably wouldn't give a shit tomorrow.

Even most of my Heroines don't know when my birthday is. I've seen how chaotic it gets when another member has their birthday. Wishes and surprises. It's scary; even scarier if they do know my birthday but not care about it. One of the reasons I dread my own birthday.

I don't know if I have the balls to face tomorrow. I don't know if it's time for me to cherish my birthday again. I don't know if I should tell Heroine that I'm turning 19 tomorrow, if I should take that one step towards having a normal relationship with birthdays again.

It's so scary, it really is. Nobody would understand this weird feeling I have for birthdays, and that saddens me. I'm too scared to acknowledge my 19th, my 20th, my 21st... I'm too scared to risk cherishing it when I'm not even sure if others would.