In this quite confusing post, I am retelling the tale of the wind that swept me off my feet. I've copied and pasted my past posts and poems, retelling a story through them. This is a closure to my path with someone I was with for a year, who took me for a ride again and again.
If it gets confusing:
italics are text from a past blog post, written at the time it happened.
Courier are text in the perspective of the wind.
Bold are taken from poems I'd written to briefly describe my feelings.
normal are text I am writing right now, in telling the story.
I'm trying my best to tell this story without much new content, because I'm quite sick and tired of writing about the same asshole again and again. This is a closure, to remind myself and show others how cruel this innocent face really is. Or you can go this link for more shit [posts labelled 'Aamir]
Also, this post is fucked up because it's shit from my head. That's always fucked up, but I'm just too pissed off at his cruelty and my stupidity.
Four, crooked teeth, lines above the smile;
Held hands and fought for love far longer than a while.
Convinced and believed, worked hard for forevermore;
Until the day "I just don't love you anymore."
January, 2014.
You weren't missing her as much as you used to;
The flame that was burning for her had turned blue.
She wasn't moving you the way she was before;
You just didn't love her anymore.
I went up to him with a frown on his face. I did not deserve that. He brought me somewhere we could talk, and once we were seated I just lashed out whatever was on my mind.
You woke up the next morning without her in your head;
No recollection of all the things she had said.
Forgotten the things she had done for you;
Forgotten the days she had planned for two.
And I still did not understand when he just said he had "lost his feelings" for me. I thought I did my best to make him happy and listen to him and to not pull him further from God anymore. I thought I gave him space and checked on him sometimes and not be a bitch when he made me upset, I thought I did everything I could, why would he suddenly say that?
It was all I could do to persuade him I'll try harder, harder than I ever had if he weren't pleased with my efforts. I was trying not to cry but that was an absolute failure, like my persuasions were.
A veil across your eyes to her good side;
Yet convinced it was all along that you'd been blind.
Two arms wrapped around yours, tears down your uniform;
No guilt in you, walked away from your own storm.
He shrugged me off coldly and walked away. I never saw him again.
____
I went back to my family at Pasir Ris, I made new friends, I went back to writing. Things I never had when I was with him.
The last time I had a bad break-up, it wasn't that easy. I told myself Wow, I'm pretty strong for a one-year relationship with a boy I'd adored.
It was all so peaceful for the next 6 months, until that day in July.
July, 2014.
What if you woke up to remember why you loved her;
Would she again become part of your desire?
Would you walk with her again no matter how your legs tire;
Would you ignite again, that fire?
Today, you continue missing her. You find yourself still thinking of her, missing her, six months after you abandoned her. A part of you regret the decision of going back to the life before her, and yet you know you need to have this new start.
Would it be shrugged off as just another regret;
Would she be no more than just a girl you met?
Would it sadden you to realise what you've lost;
Or would it no longer dare be again in your thoughts?
You meet her again after half a year; there she is, as usual, waiting patiently for you to come home.
She stares at you in awe as you approach her, that longing in you to sweep her off her feet like you used to everyday. You embrace her, and she allows it, and she looks up at you with those hopeful eyes. She doesn't look one bit mad at you for abandoning her; she looks like all she cares about is the fact that she's right there in your arms.
He told me "I freaking miss you", his exact words I promise, and we met the next day. Broke fast together, caught up on each other's lives. He told me he found it difficult to move on from me, unlike the past crushes he'd had. Convincingly asked me "Do you think we're made for each other?"
He told me a lot of things which I believed, and when he asked if I would like to start over again with him, I said yes.
A second chance, Four times two makes Eight;
His love never forgotten, he thinks we're joined by fate.
____
Two steps into a new beginning, he decides he isn't ready;
I hide my upset, understand and accept whatever his need.
Two days after he came back, he told me he wasn't ready, that he wanted to be just friends. To be lifted up like that only to be let down again, of course I was saddened. I thought it was cruel, but I told myself it's okay. I have to understand it's what he needed.
We continued talking after that and we even met a few times, just as friends. I mingled around and I met someone I really liked who was Ghost-Type, but was not as familiar with as I was with the wind. I didn't give the Ghost a chance at this point.
Two weeks later the wind asked me once more, if I would like to be his girlfriend... again.
Raising my arms and letting my feet go light;
Closing my eyes shut despite my fear of the night.
Having faith in the breeze running through my hair;
Allowing it to lift me and take me anywhere.
I was scared that he'd hurt me again, but I was always brave enough to try again.
I said yes, I would.
I had to reject the Ghost and the block of Ice, both of whom would never hurt me like how the wind had done, twice.
Hanging in the eagle's arms, hands around its neck;
Not an inch afraid, believing it's got my back.
Hair over its shoulders as I'm brought across the skyline;
The pair of wings on its back is as good as mine.
I thought I was a brave person. This boy had hurt me two times, and yet I still had faith in him to carry me once more. I believed with all my heart and soul he would never let me down again. I even promised his best friend I'd make sure he would never lose interest in me again.
Taking me away to places new and old;
Faith to protect me from the fall or cold.
Caught up in the euphoria and in your laughter;
Forgetting the possibility of what would come after.
Because we were together for a year, we were familiar with each other. I was familiar with him. Deep inside I was grateful I didn't have to start over again with someone else, that I was starting over with someone who already knew me. And I trusted him with my life.
The wind turns into ice sliding down my spine;
Shards of cruelty stabbing into the heart that's mine.
The arms around me quickly releasing their hold;
I didn't know the flames of Hell could be so cold.
I was wrong.
I was not brave, I was stupid.
He let go of me again, told me he didn't want me after all. That he didn't know what he was doing when he asked for me back. He even mentioned he liked someone else, and that that person liked him back too, and that's why he was thinking twice about getting back with me again.
He dropped me for the third time in a year, second time in a month. How cruel.
Broken legs and a twisted neck as I hit the ground;
Continuously admiring you in flight, withholding all sound.
I told him it was okay, and I continuously told myself it was okay, even though I was having so much difficulty holding in the tears. There he was, free and probably happy while God I thought I was gonna die.
All I'd done for him and all the faith I had in him and all the chances I gave him; I gave him all I had and even that wasn't enough for him.
Puddle of blood the only reminder I was once alive;
A raging fire, once in control over this knife.
Watching your wings being your strength to be gone;
Your happiness and freedom being the last I set eyes on.
The last time I talked to him was when he confided in me about the girl he likes. He was mindlessly going on about someone else the way I would have talked about him. God it hurt so bad but I just listened. Not for long though because I cracked a while after.
He said "I promise I will never hurt any girl anymore like how I hurt you," and was insulted when I pointed out the fact that he never keeps his promises.
God I had to hurt so many good guys because I stupidly chose this asshole.
It was the last time I talked to him, and it was when I learnt to close the windows so the wind can never come in again. The wind just wants a room to hide in, to protect himself from himself, that he doesn't care whose house it is as long as he's away from the outside world.
Don't go knocking on people's windows if all you want to do is make a mess of everything and leave again. Think twice before you decide to come back or do anything at all.
P.s. I'm not doing a check on this post like I do with the others, so if you think it's crappy and messy I don't fucking care.
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